The Weekenders (2000) s01e06 Episode Script

1
Hey, it's Tino.
Up here.
Welcome to The Big Tree.
I'll soon be meeting the guys
here to start our weekend.
Apparently, Tish has an exciting surprise
plan for us.
I can't wait to find out what it is.
Even though our last exciting surprise was
a museum tour.
And the one before that was a museum tour.
And the one before that was, a museum.. tour
Jinkies..
Am I stoked?
And this is the famed 'Venus de Milo',
on loan from the Louvre in Paris.
How fortunate we are to
be so close to such a masterpiece.
And yet not so close as to actually touch
it and smudge it with our nasty,
filthy, little hands.
sigh I don't know much about
art, but I know what I like.
And I like stuff with arms.
Now we move on to Bronze Pot Handles of Ancient Borneo.
Let us all stay close together.
But not so close as
to actually step on my
heels with our nasty,
filthy, little, sneakers.
We gotta get out of here.
I'll do anything.
Wait, I know.
I'll fake appendicitis and you guys can
rush me to the emergency room?
Mmn I like it.
But, uh, tiny problem.
People will expect to see a scar.
I'm willing to actually have the surgery
if it gets me out of this museum.
Wait, hold up a second.
Where's Tish?
Maybe she's in the cafeteria.
No way.
This is Tish?
The most artsy intellectual person on the planet?
If she's not drooling over
the art, I guarantee you
she's at least doing
something art-related.
I say: we ditch the tour to find her.
Let's do it.
We'll start in the cafeteria.
You just said she wouldn't be there.
Yeah, but I'm hungry.
And we add some Vitamin C for depth,
and to accentuate the contour
and continuation of landscape.
Okay.
Approach with extreme caution.
Tish?
Hey there, how you doin'?
Tish, what's goin' on?
Is the food here that bad?
Yeess, but that's got nothin' to do with it.
This is something I call 'Abstraction
Through Available Sundries'.
Huh?
Stand back.
I'm about to introduce organic texture.
Put down the cilantro.
Slowly.
Now step away from the canvas.
But the art-going public
will be crushed, won't you?
I dunno about that..
Philistines
Since you clearly have an over-
whelming desire to be creative,
why not do it through one of the
many classes the museum offers?
Classes.
Classes.. ?
Classes!
Come ooon, you've been staring at
that clay for nearly an hour.
[speaks French]
Is that something nasty?
Because if it is, you can
find yourself another model.
I just said "keep still".
Look, I'm flattered you
want to sculpt me and
everything, but my whole
derri-area is falling asleep.
All right, I'm ready.
This is going to be worth it, Carver.
Not many people can
say they've had their image
immortalized in non-toxic
artificial modeling clay.
Immortalized, huh?
Yeah, I like the sound of that.
I can't get enough of
this magnificent piece of art.
They should return the Statue of Liberty
to the French; put this in its place.
This statue will preserve the glorious
image of Carver Descartes forever.
Hey, buzz off!
Get off my head!
Take a hike!
I said, sit still.
Ready?
Un, deux,
trois. tada!
Eh, this is name of the skull pattern, "Ta-Da"?
Noo, Poppy, I call it: Carver.
So, what do you think?
Pretty, pretty, pretty.
Aaand, do you guys like it?
Okay, we all hate it like poison.
Do we tell her?
What would you do?
Oh, man, I hate this kind of stuff.
Uh, Tish, this, uh, this Carver,
wow.
That puts you right up
there with Michelangelo
and all those other
museum kinda guys.
What, he said?
Ooh, you guys.. what do you think, Carver?
Oh, man, he's speechless with delight.
Oooh, I think this calls for celebration.
Yes, yes, I'm made upside down pineapple cake pie.
Tish and Poppy, you come help me lift it.
Is this the ugliest piece of
junk ever or is it me?
It's both.
Alright, stand back.
I'm gonna put this thing out of my misery.
Nooo.. !
What were you thinking, dude?
That I wish Tish lived in a high-rise.
I mean, what if people see this thing?
I'll be humiliated.
It's true.
Remember last year's Arts and Crafts Fair?
They show that ugly painting of Chloe Montez,
and she locked herself in the bathroom for a week.
I know, they had to feed her aerosol
cheese through a keyhole.
Like Look, sure
we don't like the thing.
But Carver, you know how sensitive artists
are.
You can't let Tish know
you hate her sculpture.
It'll crush her.
Okay, okay.
I'll.. pretend I like it.
Why is my sculpture out on the lawn?
Well, that is an excellent question.
Tino, why don't you field this one and
then I'll take the next one.
Thanks.
Um, well, the truth is
Well, we brought your sculpture
out here, so uh, so people could see it.
It, it's a crime to keep it shut up indoors.
Is this true, Carver?
You guys are so right.
My work must be put on public display.
C'est magnifique!
What's going on here, Tish?
It's a special exhibit of the works of
local artists.
And right in the middle,
that's right, uh-huh, LOOK!
'Carver'!
Wow, congrats, Tish.
What a beautiful, beautiful piece of work.. ?
Yeaah, kudos.
There it is, right out in
the open for everyone to see
You see that, Jimmy?
That's art.
Ug'y!!!! Ug'y!!!!!!
Ug'yyy boyyy!!!
Ahh!!!
What's with him?
Uhh.. Lor, I believe it's your turn to field this one!
He's
overwhelmingly touched,
by thehonour, you have bestowed on him
That's one small step for man,
and one large pizza for you!
So here's my plan.
Tonight at midnight, we sneak into the
mall to a readily accessible air duct
and terminate that sculpture
with extreme prejudice.
Doesn't that.. verge on illegal?
That's why we need to get in and out fast,
which is where the hovercraft comes in.
Tina, you'll be operating the radio
-controlled robot from here.
It'll be armed with a huge meat
tenderizer.
You guys will never guess the great news!
The mall was hit by an asteroid?
Try: the art critic from the
Bahia Bay Times liked my sculpture.
Try: it's gonna be on the local news
tonight.
Try: thousands of people are gonna see it.
Try: by morning you'll be a Household Word.
Ahh!!!!
slams door
Okay, maybe you should stop bestowing
overwhelmingly touching honors on him.
So, what up?
Oh, not much.
I'm just gonna be the laughingstock of the whole town.
And I don't even know what a laughingstock is!
The whole town, what are you nuts?
You really think?
That news show is carried all over the
county.
I hear you can pick it up in Nevada.
You know, it's great how you have this
gift for making people feel better.
Well, there isn't really anything
you can do about it.
Oh, no?
Uh-oh.
I'm sick of lyin' to Tish!
I don't think the truth will hurt her
nearly as much as lyin' is hurtin' me.
The truth?
The truth?
You can't use the truth.
It's untested!
It could blow up in your face.
Good heavens, man.
It could cause a chain reaction
that would destroy the Earth.
Okay, you seriously need to
lay off the comic books.
Fortunately, I, Captain Dreadnought will be
there to save you all from peril.
What?
Tish, you got a sec?
Yeah, first tell me, does this
lighting do justice to my sculpture?
Well, I would personally prefer more
of a play of light and shadow.
Accent on the shadow.
That would be different.
Okay, look.
I'm just gonna say this.
You know your sculpture of me?
Yeah.
Um, I don't really like it.
I mean, I pretended I liked it because
I didn't want to hurt your feelings, but.
I just really don't like it much.
You thought that would hurt my feelings?
Whoa!
I can't handle criticism, Carver.
What do you think I am?
Some kind of oversensitive loser?
No!
I what?
So you're not crushed?
Of course not!
Look, I'll just make a few minor changes.
Tweak
Tweaakk..
And it's a whole new objet d'art.
Voila!
Now it's called: 'Tino'.
It's only fair, since he keeps
saying how much he loves it, right?
And we definitely want to be fair.
And here with me is Tish Katsufrakis.
A young artist whose work has received
unstinting critical praise.
Observation:
Art critics are nuts.
I hear ya.
Tish, would you like to tell us a little
something about your sculpture?
Certainly, Helen.
Let's get a close up, shall we?
Not unlike the 'Venus de Milo',
my masterpiece has a name
people shall never forget:
'Tino.'
Ug'y boyyy!!!!
Okay, I messed up good.
But at least Carver learned
No, no, no, no.
I'm the one who figured it out.
Let me tell it for a change.
What, well you can't just..
Shoo!
Get on.
Okay.
Now, I figured out that you shouldn't lie
to protect a friend's feelings.
I mean, you ought to trust that your friend
can handle what it is you have to say.
Plus, if you do, the whole thing could
wind up biting you hard on the hindparts.
Got it?
I think I handled that pretty well.
Sure.
But your fly's open.
Ahh!!