The Weekenders (2000) s01e13 Episode Script
Party Planning
1
Okay,
not 30 seconds ago,
Dot Cardigan walked up
and handed me this.
Mysterious notes can be
forces for good or evil,
but I found that it's generally a
good idea to engage in a little paranoid
speculation before you open them.
Carver, check it out.
Mysterious note from Dot Cardigan.
Paranoid speculation time?
Absolutely.
Hmm.
Could be one of those checkbox things.
Check, yes or no?
Did you do your homework?
Do you like me?
Do you think I'm pretty?
I find those deeply unsettling.
Or it could be a chain letter.
Well, like, "Pass this on to 10 people
and you'll have good luck,
but break the chain, you'll destroy the galaxy"-kinda thing.
You look bad, man.
Checkbox, right?
Worse.
Party invitation.
So?
It's a boy-girl party.
You've been to boy-girl parties.
Well, yeah, but this one
has dancing, and no clowns!
Hmm.
A subtle but important distinction.
Carver,
look at me, man!
You know what a clown-less party is?!
It's a boy-girl party where the
boy-girl-ishness is the whole point!
The entire focus of the event, and there's
going to be dancing, and it's this Sunday!
Man, you are totally overreacting.
Ah!
Dot!
Hi, Carver.
This is for you.
I really hope you'll come.
Hey, Tino.
What are we gonna do!?
It's a whole boy-girl event with the
boy-girl stuff and the dancing and the things --
Hey, what's Carver freaking out about?
Our first clown-less party?
Oh, Dot's thing?
Yeah, we got invited, too.
What are we gonna do?
We don't know what to do around girls!
Hello.. ?
We're girls.
Okay, we know what to do around girls.
We just don't know what to do around
girl girls in a "boy/girl"-type scenario.
Got it.
Hey, it's noo problem~
If you're afraid of the
fairer, smarter sex,
we can give you a
few pointers,
you know, help you develop
the proper party persona.
I don't know.
I don't think we want to, like,
change who we are or anything.
Are you kidding?
That's exactly what we wanna do.
Well, I suppose you guys could help us
out.
After all, girls are
natural social experts.
Does this look infected to you?
Some girls.
Hey, um, what is the new age special?
Two cheese pizzas served with tranquility.
Can we substitute colas for the
tranquility?
Certainly.
Namaste.
So, what do we do when
we get to Dot Cardigan's party?
Not so fast.
We need time to put together a carefully
planned curriculum.
Well, can you give us any tips now?
Yeah, like, is there anything
we should avoid?
L.G.S.
Oh, yeah.
They should definitely avoid L.G.S.
I think I got vaccinated for that.
No, it's Lateral Gravity Syndrome.
But what is it?
Lateral Gravity Syndrome is the
strange unexplained force
that draws boys and girls inexorably
to opposite sides of the dancefloor.
You could spend the entire
party against the wall,
to be released from the iron grip of
L.G.S. only when you go home.
Wow.
Alright, recruits~!
Party training begins at 08:00 hours.
The four areas we will cover are
Conversation, Attitude, Dancing,
and, you know, stuff you
can't put your finger up.
Intangibles.
I don't think underwear is important
enough to be a whole area of training.
Okay, guys, Lor will cover
"Conversation" and "Attitude".
I will handle "Dancing" and "Intangibles".
I chose the arcade for our conversation
lesson because, at the party, there will
be lots of distractions you'll have to
ignore.
AWOL already.
Ask the girl about herself.
Don't interrupt and always pay attention.
Okay, dry run.
Carver, pretend Tish is Dot Cardigan,
and engage her in conversation.
Engage me.
Okay, uh, how do you have, I mean,
you have shoes!
I have shoes, too!
Mine are for basketball, but I have shoes for
skateboard and I have shoes for highgate.
My favorite shoe is my cross-skate --
Carver, pay attention.
Remember, there is no "you" in "me".
What?
Another important aspect of conversation
is eye contact.
Tino, try making confident eye contact
with Tish.
There's a fine line between
confident and deranged!
I had no idea, just talking to someone was
so hard.
Other conversational techniques include
nodding, humming, and laughing
if you think there's even a remote
chance she said something funny.
Okay, let's give it a try.
Okay, goat boys.
When in doubt, get her some punch.
And this completes part one of your
dance lesson, the fox trot.
I get the feeling the girls aren't quite
as clued in as we thought.
Seriously.
That was great, but how about a dance from
this century?
Part deux:
Contemporary dance styles.
If that counts as dancing, then it counts
as singing when I burp.
Now, let's learn proper attitude.
Attitude is what separates the boys
from the.. uh.. older boys!
And rather than try to explain attitude to
you, we thought we'd show you,
using this videotape of the
finest hunk of all time:
50's heartthrob,
Nick Zance~
Oh, Johnny, Johnny.
Why do you have to be so cruel?
[ accented mumbling ]
Girls like boys who are mysterious.
He's only mysterious because you can't
understand a word he's sayin'!
But mysterious with the
kind of lost puppy quality~
Yeaah, and dangerous!
You like mysterious, dangerous,
lost puppies?
And vulnerable!
Um, I have a question.
Shoot.
Well, I do believe you guys have never
been to a clown-less party either.
So what makes you think you know so much?
Well, you know, we know what girls like.
But my question! is
do you know what boys like?
Well, how do you mean?
Alright, recruits~
Guys like girls who uh,
how should I put it?
Girls whose hairdos
outweigh their brain.
So we're s'posed to act stupid?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, and say stuff that makes the guy
feel strong and manly.
Okay, I think we can handle that.
Okay.
It's scrimmage time.
Uh, fun party, huh?
Well, heh, uh hell beans and
Uh, would you like some punch?
You are so strong and manly.
Are you a ath-uh-lete?
I'm a dangerous puppy~
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff.
Punch, who wants some punch?
I'm the winner, punch, punch.
Getting ready for the
big clown-less party?
Mom, which one of these
shirts projects a mysterious,
vulnerable, dangerous,
lost puppy quality?
Come here, lemme feel your forehead.
I don't have a fever.
It's just, that Tish and Lor said that
that's what girls look for in a guy.
Honey, Tish and Lor like you
for who you are, don't they?
Yeah.
Oh I see!
You're saying that if I want girls
to like me, all I have to do is be myself.
Ha ha!
Yeah, right.
No, listen, some of them still won't like
you.
What I'm saying is that even you
won't like you if you're not yourself.
Could I have a map to
that sentence, please?
Tino, sweetie,
you're twelve, alright?
So parties are still going to be
uncomfortable for you for quite a while.
But pretending to be someone you're not is
only going to make that worse.
Anyway, none of this
will matter tonight because
Lateral Gravity Syndrome
will get you for sure.
Oh, curse you, L.G.S.
We will fight you.
Whatever it takes, we will fight
and we will win!
Hey, guys, I've been practicing
my stupid act.
Ooh,
shiny button.
We don't want you to act stupid.
Ugh, my gosh,
what a relief.
And we don't want to act like mysterious,
vulnerable, dangerous, lost puppies.
Yeah, you like us for who we are,
right?
So why shouldn't other girls?
Well, um, very, very good.
You have found the true
point of our training.
Right, you see, that's what we meant by
the intangibles.
Just, you know, be yourself.
Guys, I am so ready for this party.
Yeah, with all our training,
we are going to rock this place!
Party!
Party!
Party!
Party!
Hello, young people!
Welcome to the party!
Hello!
We were mad to think we could
resist the insidious effects of L.G.S.
Okay, alright!
Not bad for our first
clown-less party, huh?
Yeah, I'm just happy we didn't embarrass
ourselves in any way.
You said it,
kudos to us!
And maybe next time, we can take
just one step away from the wall.
Well, let's not get carried away.
Don't talk crazy.
So, our first clown-less
party was a success.
Well, maybe not a
blockbuster success,
but any party you can walk away
from is a good one, right?
And I'll tell you one thing,
I did not miss the clown at all.
Those guys creep me out, man.
Come on, Tino!
Ah, gotta run!
Later days!
Okay,
not 30 seconds ago,
Dot Cardigan walked up
and handed me this.
Mysterious notes can be
forces for good or evil,
but I found that it's generally a
good idea to engage in a little paranoid
speculation before you open them.
Carver, check it out.
Mysterious note from Dot Cardigan.
Paranoid speculation time?
Absolutely.
Hmm.
Could be one of those checkbox things.
Check, yes or no?
Did you do your homework?
Do you like me?
Do you think I'm pretty?
I find those deeply unsettling.
Or it could be a chain letter.
Well, like, "Pass this on to 10 people
and you'll have good luck,
but break the chain, you'll destroy the galaxy"-kinda thing.
You look bad, man.
Checkbox, right?
Worse.
Party invitation.
So?
It's a boy-girl party.
You've been to boy-girl parties.
Well, yeah, but this one
has dancing, and no clowns!
Hmm.
A subtle but important distinction.
Carver,
look at me, man!
You know what a clown-less party is?!
It's a boy-girl party where the
boy-girl-ishness is the whole point!
The entire focus of the event, and there's
going to be dancing, and it's this Sunday!
Man, you are totally overreacting.
Ah!
Dot!
Hi, Carver.
This is for you.
I really hope you'll come.
Hey, Tino.
What are we gonna do!?
It's a whole boy-girl event with the
boy-girl stuff and the dancing and the things --
Hey, what's Carver freaking out about?
Our first clown-less party?
Oh, Dot's thing?
Yeah, we got invited, too.
What are we gonna do?
We don't know what to do around girls!
Hello.. ?
We're girls.
Okay, we know what to do around girls.
We just don't know what to do around
girl girls in a "boy/girl"-type scenario.
Got it.
Hey, it's noo problem~
If you're afraid of the
fairer, smarter sex,
we can give you a
few pointers,
you know, help you develop
the proper party persona.
I don't know.
I don't think we want to, like,
change who we are or anything.
Are you kidding?
That's exactly what we wanna do.
Well, I suppose you guys could help us
out.
After all, girls are
natural social experts.
Does this look infected to you?
Some girls.
Hey, um, what is the new age special?
Two cheese pizzas served with tranquility.
Can we substitute colas for the
tranquility?
Certainly.
Namaste.
So, what do we do when
we get to Dot Cardigan's party?
Not so fast.
We need time to put together a carefully
planned curriculum.
Well, can you give us any tips now?
Yeah, like, is there anything
we should avoid?
L.G.S.
Oh, yeah.
They should definitely avoid L.G.S.
I think I got vaccinated for that.
No, it's Lateral Gravity Syndrome.
But what is it?
Lateral Gravity Syndrome is the
strange unexplained force
that draws boys and girls inexorably
to opposite sides of the dancefloor.
You could spend the entire
party against the wall,
to be released from the iron grip of
L.G.S. only when you go home.
Wow.
Alright, recruits~!
Party training begins at 08:00 hours.
The four areas we will cover are
Conversation, Attitude, Dancing,
and, you know, stuff you
can't put your finger up.
Intangibles.
I don't think underwear is important
enough to be a whole area of training.
Okay, guys, Lor will cover
"Conversation" and "Attitude".
I will handle "Dancing" and "Intangibles".
I chose the arcade for our conversation
lesson because, at the party, there will
be lots of distractions you'll have to
ignore.
AWOL already.
Ask the girl about herself.
Don't interrupt and always pay attention.
Okay, dry run.
Carver, pretend Tish is Dot Cardigan,
and engage her in conversation.
Engage me.
Okay, uh, how do you have, I mean,
you have shoes!
I have shoes, too!
Mine are for basketball, but I have shoes for
skateboard and I have shoes for highgate.
My favorite shoe is my cross-skate --
Carver, pay attention.
Remember, there is no "you" in "me".
What?
Another important aspect of conversation
is eye contact.
Tino, try making confident eye contact
with Tish.
There's a fine line between
confident and deranged!
I had no idea, just talking to someone was
so hard.
Other conversational techniques include
nodding, humming, and laughing
if you think there's even a remote
chance she said something funny.
Okay, let's give it a try.
Okay, goat boys.
When in doubt, get her some punch.
And this completes part one of your
dance lesson, the fox trot.
I get the feeling the girls aren't quite
as clued in as we thought.
Seriously.
That was great, but how about a dance from
this century?
Part deux:
Contemporary dance styles.
If that counts as dancing, then it counts
as singing when I burp.
Now, let's learn proper attitude.
Attitude is what separates the boys
from the.. uh.. older boys!
And rather than try to explain attitude to
you, we thought we'd show you,
using this videotape of the
finest hunk of all time:
50's heartthrob,
Nick Zance~
Oh, Johnny, Johnny.
Why do you have to be so cruel?
[ accented mumbling ]
Girls like boys who are mysterious.
He's only mysterious because you can't
understand a word he's sayin'!
But mysterious with the
kind of lost puppy quality~
Yeaah, and dangerous!
You like mysterious, dangerous,
lost puppies?
And vulnerable!
Um, I have a question.
Shoot.
Well, I do believe you guys have never
been to a clown-less party either.
So what makes you think you know so much?
Well, you know, we know what girls like.
But my question! is
do you know what boys like?
Well, how do you mean?
Alright, recruits~
Guys like girls who uh,
how should I put it?
Girls whose hairdos
outweigh their brain.
So we're s'posed to act stupid?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, and say stuff that makes the guy
feel strong and manly.
Okay, I think we can handle that.
Okay.
It's scrimmage time.
Uh, fun party, huh?
Well, heh, uh hell beans and
Uh, would you like some punch?
You are so strong and manly.
Are you a ath-uh-lete?
I'm a dangerous puppy~
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff.
Punch, who wants some punch?
I'm the winner, punch, punch.
Getting ready for the
big clown-less party?
Mom, which one of these
shirts projects a mysterious,
vulnerable, dangerous,
lost puppy quality?
Come here, lemme feel your forehead.
I don't have a fever.
It's just, that Tish and Lor said that
that's what girls look for in a guy.
Honey, Tish and Lor like you
for who you are, don't they?
Yeah.
Oh I see!
You're saying that if I want girls
to like me, all I have to do is be myself.
Ha ha!
Yeah, right.
No, listen, some of them still won't like
you.
What I'm saying is that even you
won't like you if you're not yourself.
Could I have a map to
that sentence, please?
Tino, sweetie,
you're twelve, alright?
So parties are still going to be
uncomfortable for you for quite a while.
But pretending to be someone you're not is
only going to make that worse.
Anyway, none of this
will matter tonight because
Lateral Gravity Syndrome
will get you for sure.
Oh, curse you, L.G.S.
We will fight you.
Whatever it takes, we will fight
and we will win!
Hey, guys, I've been practicing
my stupid act.
Ooh,
shiny button.
We don't want you to act stupid.
Ugh, my gosh,
what a relief.
And we don't want to act like mysterious,
vulnerable, dangerous, lost puppies.
Yeah, you like us for who we are,
right?
So why shouldn't other girls?
Well, um, very, very good.
You have found the true
point of our training.
Right, you see, that's what we meant by
the intangibles.
Just, you know, be yourself.
Guys, I am so ready for this party.
Yeah, with all our training,
we are going to rock this place!
Party!
Party!
Party!
Party!
Hello, young people!
Welcome to the party!
Hello!
We were mad to think we could
resist the insidious effects of L.G.S.
Okay, alright!
Not bad for our first
clown-less party, huh?
Yeah, I'm just happy we didn't embarrass
ourselves in any way.
You said it,
kudos to us!
And maybe next time, we can take
just one step away from the wall.
Well, let's not get carried away.
Don't talk crazy.
So, our first clown-less
party was a success.
Well, maybe not a
blockbuster success,
but any party you can walk away
from is a good one, right?
And I'll tell you one thing,
I did not miss the clown at all.
Those guys creep me out, man.
Come on, Tino!
Ah, gotta run!
Later days!