The Weekenders (2000) s03e01 Episode Script
Crushin' Roulette
Ladies and gentlemen, I shall now recite
"An Ode to Pizza" by Tish Katsufrakis.
"How crisp thy crust and sweet thy cheese."
"How lovely thy aroma."
"Now taste I must, thy nectar, please,
or slip into a coma."
I guess what I'm trying to communicate
with this poem is,
I'm hungry!
Oh, thank gosh!
I've been waiting forever,
let's get a pizza!
Can't. Thompson's going to Funville,
and I bet I could talk to him if I,
you know, sorta, lurk around a little.
Tino, come on, let's hit the pizza place.
Now, the new issue of
Captain Dreadnought is out.
Tasha will be at the comic book store,
and I plan to "accidentally" run into her.
Who's gonna get a pizza with me?
I'll go, Miss K.
Oh, great!
There's a Friday special
Friday!?
Oh my gosh, I have to get
home to watch something.
Is this not a program about that shoe
model you have a crush on?
I do not have a crush on
Yeah, that's it.
It's called "Behind the Shoes".
Later.
I would recite an ode
to my rotten friends for ya,
but it has some words
that I can't say on TV!
Need some poems to read to Tasha!
Thanks!
Everyone but me has a crush on someone.
It's like there's love everywhere I look.
I want in on this "love" thing!
Sorry, hun.
Not till you're 17.
Not "Love" the movie!
I meant "love" like having
a crush on someone.
Me too.
Not till you're 17.
I suppose you're wondering
why I've called you all here today.
You want us to help you fix your music box?
What music box?
The one I just sat on?
No, I've called you here because I've
decided to have a crush on someone.
And I need your help selecting a crushee.
Let's do this scientifically.
I've limited myself to two categories.
One, a guy from school, or two,
a teacher or other adult.
Tish, a crush happens
when it's time, y'know?
You can't just decide to have one.
Sure I can.
Remember how I forced
myself to like broccoli?
You don't like it.
You just forced yourself to eat it.
Don't be ridiculous!
I love broccoli!
I did not know this.
From now on, we having
many broccoli at every meal times.
Alright. I want you guys to interview
potential crush candidates.
Tonight, we'll assess your data,
and decide with perfect geometric logic,
who I'm gonna go mushy googoo gaga over.
Okay, but I still say this isn't gonna
work.
Hey, I fixed your music box.
I can fix that.
Are you sure you don't want to help with
the interview questions?
Nope.
I got 'em all written up.
I just hope Coach Colson doesn't answer
the door in his robe again.
Ugh, tell me.
I've moved teachers and
robes up to number three
on my list of stuff that
gives me nightmares.
Right between snakes
and reality television.
If you're a peace activist,
why won't you leave me in peace?!
Oh.
Sorry, kids.
I thought it was that "No Nukes" guy again.
So, what can I do for you?
Put on a robe.
We just have a few simple questions.
Well, I
Question one!
If you could be any kind of food,
what would it be?
Uhh.. is this school related?
Question two!
If you had an extra toe,
how would you use it?
We don't know this girl.
Question three!
What is your favorite flavour of dog food?
Ring, brrring.
Ooh, the phone!
I have to go now.
This is easy.
Don't worry.
I have much better questions this time.
Well, how can I
Question one!
Are you happy with your appearance?
I, I, I haven't had plastic surgery.
Question two.
Do you enjoy travel?
I do not travel!
Who told you I visited
former Soviet Union?!
Question three.
What would you do if
you had a million dollars?
I have never been paid for espionage!
[ in Slavic accent ]
You can prove nothing.
Go away!
We are closed!
I just keep getting
better and better at this!
I really think you should
let us handle it this time.
No, I can do it.
Okay, give me the clipboard.
I said, I can do it!
You are the doingest doer ever that I can
imagine it being done by.
Oh, there's the museum guy.
Come on.
How may I help you nasty,
filthy little persons?
Question one!
What state is round on the ends and high
in the middle?
O-hi-o.
Next?
Question two!
What has twelve legs
and ruins the drapes?
Three cats.
Next.
He's good.
Question three.
What is blue in the summer,
brown in the winter,
and smells like cheese?
I
It
It's
Give me a minute.
Three, two, one!
[makes buzzer noise]
Ehhhnh!!
Sorry, but thanks for playing.
My associates have
a consolation prize for you.
Gum?
Okay, we gotta help Tish
decide who to have a crush on.
So we're gonna interview
some guys from school.
And I'm asking the questions this time.
Agreed?
Can't we --
Ah!
But!
Eh-eh!
I!
Nyeh-neh.
Fiiine, let the baby have his bottle!
Thank you.
First subject, please.
Tell me, what is your
idea of the perfect date?
A long walk on the beach in the moonlight.
And she doesn't hit me.
I like to take girls to wrestling matches.
Actually, I could skip the "girl" part.
I can't eat dates.
I'm allergic.
What is your favourite musical instrument?
Why, I enjoy the Didgeridoo, the Kalimba,
and Tibetan singing bowls.
I think my favorite is
the Kazoo!
[ playing air guitar, badly]
Piano!
Uummm the radio.
Okay.
If I were an ice cream cone,
what flavour would you want me to be?
Wait a minute, is this a trick question?
Meat!
I guess chocolate
But you're not one, are you?
We'll be in touch.
I have examined all your data,
and come to a conclusion.
Your questions stink.
I blame the public school system.
But, I am going to pick Mr Higginbotham,
because he loves the dulcimer.
And of the guys from school,
Percy seems
like the only choice.
Yeah, he's kind of a dweeb,
but he's also kind of a brainiac.
Fine, I just have one question.
What is blue in the summer, brown
in the winter, and smells like cheese?
I don't know.
I was hoping that
museum guy could tell me!
Okay!
Here's my plan.
I'll go in,
walk up to Mr Higginbotham,
and stare at him
until I'm in looooove.
I don't think that's gonna work.
It did with broccoli!
Well, if it isn't my best customer, Tish!
and her nosy friends.
So!
How may I help you?
Uhh.
Is there something
bothering you?
Is do you what?
[ in Slavic accent ]
Alright, yes!
Is true!
But I am proud, proud I tell you!
This isn't working!
Come on!
Let's go before the
weirdness level gets any higher.
Get me National Security Agency.
I must confess to being international spy.
Tish.. maybe you ought to just
give up on this whole "crush" thing.
No, I want to move on to Percy.
I just need to think things through a
little better in advance.
All my life, I've dreamed of this moment.
As have I, my lady.
Yes!
I know exactly
how to approach Percy.
Hey, Tish! What
Um
All my life, I've dreamed of this moment.
Really?
All my life, I've dreamed I'd
show up for school with no pants.
Can't you understand, I
am saying I love you!
You are?
Yes!
Oh my gosh, that is so great!
What?
Yeah!
You can be my girlfriend
and we can spend all
our time together and
we can go to the movies?
Um, I don't know about
And you can meet my parents, and I can get
your name tattooed on my chest.
And I can play the kazoo for you!
I you know, I just
I don't know if
I'm ready for this.
Sorry, bye!
That, my friends, is how you ditch a girl
who's got a crush on yoa.
Oh, he's good!
[ in a German accent ]
What size pizza would you like?
A large, please?
Yes, a large.
I see.
Und how does zis make you feel?
Uh
I'm sorry,
looks like our time is up.
Oh, why can't I make this work?
Everyone else has a crush.
Why can't I just be normal?
Everyone must develop
at his or her own rate.
What is normal for one person
may not be normal for another.
Until you accept this,
you will never be happy.
You're right!
If I'm not ready to have a crush,
then that's normal for me.
Why should I push myself?
But I
how did you know that, Lor?
Know what?
I was just reading some of the psychology
stuff in the menu.
You got any idea what it means?
It means I'm not a freak just because I
don't have a crush on someone.
Duh! I coulda told you that.
You're a freak, because you do
equations in your head for fun.
So, Tish found out that a crush,
is like a burp.
If you try to force it,
you're just gonna make a mess.
Later days.
For years I have
spied on your country,
and I would have
gotten away with it,
if it had not been for
those darned meddling kids!
"An Ode to Pizza" by Tish Katsufrakis.
"How crisp thy crust and sweet thy cheese."
"How lovely thy aroma."
"Now taste I must, thy nectar, please,
or slip into a coma."
I guess what I'm trying to communicate
with this poem is,
I'm hungry!
Oh, thank gosh!
I've been waiting forever,
let's get a pizza!
Can't. Thompson's going to Funville,
and I bet I could talk to him if I,
you know, sorta, lurk around a little.
Tino, come on, let's hit the pizza place.
Now, the new issue of
Captain Dreadnought is out.
Tasha will be at the comic book store,
and I plan to "accidentally" run into her.
Who's gonna get a pizza with me?
I'll go, Miss K.
Oh, great!
There's a Friday special
Friday!?
Oh my gosh, I have to get
home to watch something.
Is this not a program about that shoe
model you have a crush on?
I do not have a crush on
Yeah, that's it.
It's called "Behind the Shoes".
Later.
I would recite an ode
to my rotten friends for ya,
but it has some words
that I can't say on TV!
Need some poems to read to Tasha!
Thanks!
Everyone but me has a crush on someone.
It's like there's love everywhere I look.
I want in on this "love" thing!
Sorry, hun.
Not till you're 17.
Not "Love" the movie!
I meant "love" like having
a crush on someone.
Me too.
Not till you're 17.
I suppose you're wondering
why I've called you all here today.
You want us to help you fix your music box?
What music box?
The one I just sat on?
No, I've called you here because I've
decided to have a crush on someone.
And I need your help selecting a crushee.
Let's do this scientifically.
I've limited myself to two categories.
One, a guy from school, or two,
a teacher or other adult.
Tish, a crush happens
when it's time, y'know?
You can't just decide to have one.
Sure I can.
Remember how I forced
myself to like broccoli?
You don't like it.
You just forced yourself to eat it.
Don't be ridiculous!
I love broccoli!
I did not know this.
From now on, we having
many broccoli at every meal times.
Alright. I want you guys to interview
potential crush candidates.
Tonight, we'll assess your data,
and decide with perfect geometric logic,
who I'm gonna go mushy googoo gaga over.
Okay, but I still say this isn't gonna
work.
Hey, I fixed your music box.
I can fix that.
Are you sure you don't want to help with
the interview questions?
Nope.
I got 'em all written up.
I just hope Coach Colson doesn't answer
the door in his robe again.
Ugh, tell me.
I've moved teachers and
robes up to number three
on my list of stuff that
gives me nightmares.
Right between snakes
and reality television.
If you're a peace activist,
why won't you leave me in peace?!
Oh.
Sorry, kids.
I thought it was that "No Nukes" guy again.
So, what can I do for you?
Put on a robe.
We just have a few simple questions.
Well, I
Question one!
If you could be any kind of food,
what would it be?
Uhh.. is this school related?
Question two!
If you had an extra toe,
how would you use it?
We don't know this girl.
Question three!
What is your favorite flavour of dog food?
Ring, brrring.
Ooh, the phone!
I have to go now.
This is easy.
Don't worry.
I have much better questions this time.
Well, how can I
Question one!
Are you happy with your appearance?
I, I, I haven't had plastic surgery.
Question two.
Do you enjoy travel?
I do not travel!
Who told you I visited
former Soviet Union?!
Question three.
What would you do if
you had a million dollars?
I have never been paid for espionage!
[ in Slavic accent ]
You can prove nothing.
Go away!
We are closed!
I just keep getting
better and better at this!
I really think you should
let us handle it this time.
No, I can do it.
Okay, give me the clipboard.
I said, I can do it!
You are the doingest doer ever that I can
imagine it being done by.
Oh, there's the museum guy.
Come on.
How may I help you nasty,
filthy little persons?
Question one!
What state is round on the ends and high
in the middle?
O-hi-o.
Next?
Question two!
What has twelve legs
and ruins the drapes?
Three cats.
Next.
He's good.
Question three.
What is blue in the summer,
brown in the winter,
and smells like cheese?
I
It
It's
Give me a minute.
Three, two, one!
[makes buzzer noise]
Ehhhnh!!
Sorry, but thanks for playing.
My associates have
a consolation prize for you.
Gum?
Okay, we gotta help Tish
decide who to have a crush on.
So we're gonna interview
some guys from school.
And I'm asking the questions this time.
Agreed?
Can't we --
Ah!
But!
Eh-eh!
I!
Nyeh-neh.
Fiiine, let the baby have his bottle!
Thank you.
First subject, please.
Tell me, what is your
idea of the perfect date?
A long walk on the beach in the moonlight.
And she doesn't hit me.
I like to take girls to wrestling matches.
Actually, I could skip the "girl" part.
I can't eat dates.
I'm allergic.
What is your favourite musical instrument?
Why, I enjoy the Didgeridoo, the Kalimba,
and Tibetan singing bowls.
I think my favorite is
the Kazoo!
[ playing air guitar, badly]
Piano!
Uummm the radio.
Okay.
If I were an ice cream cone,
what flavour would you want me to be?
Wait a minute, is this a trick question?
Meat!
I guess chocolate
But you're not one, are you?
We'll be in touch.
I have examined all your data,
and come to a conclusion.
Your questions stink.
I blame the public school system.
But, I am going to pick Mr Higginbotham,
because he loves the dulcimer.
And of the guys from school,
Percy seems
like the only choice.
Yeah, he's kind of a dweeb,
but he's also kind of a brainiac.
Fine, I just have one question.
What is blue in the summer, brown
in the winter, and smells like cheese?
I don't know.
I was hoping that
museum guy could tell me!
Okay!
Here's my plan.
I'll go in,
walk up to Mr Higginbotham,
and stare at him
until I'm in looooove.
I don't think that's gonna work.
It did with broccoli!
Well, if it isn't my best customer, Tish!
and her nosy friends.
So!
How may I help you?
Uhh.
Is there something
bothering you?
Is do you what?
[ in Slavic accent ]
Alright, yes!
Is true!
But I am proud, proud I tell you!
This isn't working!
Come on!
Let's go before the
weirdness level gets any higher.
Get me National Security Agency.
I must confess to being international spy.
Tish.. maybe you ought to just
give up on this whole "crush" thing.
No, I want to move on to Percy.
I just need to think things through a
little better in advance.
All my life, I've dreamed of this moment.
As have I, my lady.
Yes!
I know exactly
how to approach Percy.
Hey, Tish! What
Um
All my life, I've dreamed of this moment.
Really?
All my life, I've dreamed I'd
show up for school with no pants.
Can't you understand, I
am saying I love you!
You are?
Yes!
Oh my gosh, that is so great!
What?
Yeah!
You can be my girlfriend
and we can spend all
our time together and
we can go to the movies?
Um, I don't know about
And you can meet my parents, and I can get
your name tattooed on my chest.
And I can play the kazoo for you!
I you know, I just
I don't know if
I'm ready for this.
Sorry, bye!
That, my friends, is how you ditch a girl
who's got a crush on yoa.
Oh, he's good!
[ in a German accent ]
What size pizza would you like?
A large, please?
Yes, a large.
I see.
Und how does zis make you feel?
Uh
I'm sorry,
looks like our time is up.
Oh, why can't I make this work?
Everyone else has a crush.
Why can't I just be normal?
Everyone must develop
at his or her own rate.
What is normal for one person
may not be normal for another.
Until you accept this,
you will never be happy.
You're right!
If I'm not ready to have a crush,
then that's normal for me.
Why should I push myself?
But I
how did you know that, Lor?
Know what?
I was just reading some of the psychology
stuff in the menu.
You got any idea what it means?
It means I'm not a freak just because I
don't have a crush on someone.
Duh! I coulda told you that.
You're a freak, because you do
equations in your head for fun.
So, Tish found out that a crush,
is like a burp.
If you try to force it,
you're just gonna make a mess.
Later days.
For years I have
spied on your country,
and I would have
gotten away with it,
if it had not been for
those darned meddling kids!