The Whitest Kids U Know (2007) s01e01 Episode Script

Hitler Rap, Sexy Fawn, Get a New Daddy

- I'm nervous - I'm nervous We've been trying for three or fours months now, to get pregnant.
I think this time is I feel good about it - I do too - This time And we've been wanting to have kids for quite some time I think we are ready, both of us.
- We are both ready.
- Ready, ready together.
- This is it.
- This is it.
I can't read it, what does it say? What does it say? That's my ipod shuffle.
You peed on my ipod shuffle.
You're such a stupid bitch.
H-I-T-L-E-R.
Driving down the streets in the fancy car.
Say H-I-T-L-E-R.
Thought we'd never make it but here we are.
The name is A! And I'm back in command.
Cause I'm the illest fuhrer, representing Deutschland.
Reich 1, Reich 2, Reich 3.
That's me! The mastermind behind World War 3.
No, 2! My bad! Well, start it over! Been gone for so long but now I'm back and I'ma show ya.
Everybody Hitler-hatin' when they speak my name.
But it's the new millennium and the Führer has changed.
And what I bet ya'll didn't know is now I'm down with the Jews.
The gypsies, homosexuals and retards too! Cause I stopped burnin' people, started burnin' CD's.
Stopped battling'the world, started battlin' MC's.
Just started bustin' rhymes, finally found my groove.
And now the "S.
S" on my jacket stands for "Super Smooth".
Driving down the streets in the fancy car.
Thought we'd never make it but here we are Driving down the streets in the fancy car Thought we'd never make it but here we are To all the aryans in the area that are carryin' rhymes.
And neo-nazi's better watch me, catch on up with the times.
When other rappers see me coming, yo they run and they hide.
I grab the mic and commit lyrical genocide.
Cause when it comes to droppin' hooks there is none greater.
Throw a finger to my public, then I grab my dictator! Cause I'm flexin' my might and I'm showing my strength.
I'll get your lady going, get her moaning "Mein Kampf!" No longer Nazi, but I still like to party.
And there are plenty women up in here with master racy bodies.
Blonde hair, blue eyes, you know I like em'that way.
Yo, Goering, you got something to say? Driving down the street in my Panzertank.
Sittin' drinkin'Cris' with my bitch Anne Frank.
And when I step into the club's you know I'm steppin with style.
I Raise my left hand, party people say "Heil!".
Got a page from Eva Braun, that I'll say that I missed.
There's a party up at Schindler's and I'm on his "A-list".
Cause I put my past behind! Ya'll can think what you will! But no more propoganda, it's Triumph of the ill! Driving down the streets in the fancy car Thought we'd never make it but here we are That's it that's my rhyme! We outta here! Give it up! Give it up! West Berlin! Everybody, I'll start this meeting here, Sam just got back from the West Coast.
So he was at our office out there, you wanna fill everybody in? Well as you know, I just got back from LA.
Just gotta say, It's a real chore for me to go out there with the beautiful weather and all the gorgeous women, you know.
Real chore, man.
- Cry me a river.
- I'll bet.
I twist my arm.
Gross.
Sorry.
Did you just pull shit out of your pants and throw it in the trash? I thought I fell something down there so I reach back with my hand, I got it It was poop.
Sorry.
- That's fucking disgusting.
- But That is so disgusting.
I can't believe you did that.
How could you do that? Why did you do that? We can not go a simple meeting without some sort of major disturbance going on.
This is ridiculous.
How could you just pull it out like that in the middle of a meeting? - You couldn't go to the bathroom? - I didn't need to go to the bathroom.
Wash your goddamn hand.
It's on my hand.
- I'll not lose control of this meeting.
- He's got poop on his hand.
And last week, Zack kept getting phone calls, the week before that, Daryl had to leave early.
Timmy has poop on his hand, deal with it, alright.
We are gonna go into these numbers.
What would make you think it's okay for you to grab poop out of your butt during a meeting.
- A business meeting.
- It's a business meeting.
I didn't know what it was.
What did you think it was gonna be down there? You just shat your pants in the middle of a meeting.
I felt that there was something in my pants, and I wanted to take it out.
Guys, forget about the poop.
I'm serious here, let's go into these numbers.
Rule number one, it smells like shit in this office.
- Right, it's down in the basket.
- I can't deal with this.
No, the basket goes into the bathroom.
Put the basket down.
Sit down.
If the basket stays, I'm leaving.
I can't help it, I can smell it, it's in my clothes.
Go to the bathroom.
- I can't go the bathroom.
- Get out of here.
Freeze, now sit down at the table.
- He needs to go.
- Shut up.
Be quiet.
Sit.
He's got poop in his hand.
Now, the numbers coming out of L.
A have been positive.
We've seen a tend of 12% increase since the last fiscal quarter.
This is very good as everyone knows because in spring of next year, we are going public.
Now what I want everyone to think about and put their heads together, it's how we can make that tend of 12% go to a 16% to 18%.
Now, what we want to focus on is primarily metals in the San Fernando Valley area but I want everyone think of ways that we can get that stock just to go a little higher before the IPO I got it on my face.
- I don't care.
- That is fucking gross.
I fell asleep in this meeting and I got my poop on my face.
- I don't care.
- I have to go.
He has to go.
You need to go to the bathroom.
He has to go.
He has poop on his own face.
Alright, go.
Geez.
- Go to the bathroom.
- I'm going.
And that's when I knew I'd hit rock bottom, I woke up in the streets, I didn't have a penny to my name, my wife and children, they'd left me and I had no job, I had no direction at all.
All I had was drinking and that, that right there, that's when I knew that I needed surrending.
Alcohol for alcoholics.
The vampire arme has taken the city.
We must check the castle tower and make sure that no vampire have gotten into our homebase.
You wait here, I'll go check the castle.
You do that.
My God, Hamlet, I just saw a fucking vampire, it bit me right in the neck.
Save yourself Hamlet.
My fellow, I will avenge you.
And rid this castle of the vampires that have taken this fair city, I shall hunt each and everyone down in this town, and drive a wooden stick through their hearts.
All this for my friend fellow.
Turn around.
He turned into a vampire! He's gonna bite you.
Shit, Hamlet! I can't watch this, - Everybody, I can't watch this.
- Well some of us are trying to.
Who said that? Which one of y'all damn motha fuckers said that shit? Was it you string bean? You skinny ass looking motha fucker! Turn around and say it again! Turn around and say it again! Will you please be quiet.
It's the president of the United States.
I don't care who it is, he's ruining Hamlet.
Now, you fucked up! Now, you fucked up! Mister President, will you please be quiet.
Suck my presidential cock, bitch.
You fat ass piece of shit.
You tubbalard looking motha fucker.
What? What? I don't know why you're looking up at me, bitch.
Play is on stage.
I'm not putting up a play up here.
I'm trying to be entertained right now.
Be quiet.
Calm down.
Listen to the woman John.
Calm down! Calm down! Acting.
Stop the play.
I gotta go to the bathroom, I drank too much liquid, now I gotta piss.
I got a bottle, it's alright.
Rewind the play 5 minutes though, 'cause that fat piece of shit was talking I couldn't pay attention what you guys were doing so rewind.
And shut the fuck up.
That's it, I'm gonna do what I should have done a long time ago.
What are you going to do? I'm gonna beat him to death with this hammer.
What? What are you doing skinny? What are you doing you piece of shit? Where is he? What's that fat piece of shit doing now? He's hitting me in the butt! He's hitting my butt! Don't break my butt! He's breaking my butt.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is what actually happened on that faithful night all those years ago.
American historians and documentarians believed that the actual events were far too embarassing for our fetching nation to endore.
But Abraham Lincoln actually got hammered in the ass so much that he died of being hammered in the ass.
Thank you.
Morning dear, what's for breakfast? Mama John's pizza bagels, eight cheesy pizzas on a thin flaky trust.
Now, pizza is for breakfast.
Pizza is not for breakfast.
Mama John's pizza bagels, now pizza is for breakfast.
You made me do this.
Alright, now remember, they say that 90% of all hunting accidents are caused by carelessness.
I like to say that 90% of all hunting accidents are caused by Rick.
That's not funny.
Rick is our friend and he died.
That's why it's funny.
Because it really happened.
It's funny because it's true.
It's not funny 'cause it's true because Rick is a close friend of ours who died in a hunting accident yesterday.
No, that's why it's funny.
It's funny 'cause it happened and we know Rick, it's like an inside joke amongst friends.
Look, a squirrel.
- You blew its head off.
- I Ricked him.
Guys, look a deer.
What a beauty, Don't shoot her, let's wait and study her movements.
I think she sees us.
- What's she doing? - She's coming closer.
She's not even scared of us.
What is she? Is she presenting herself to us? She is, she totally is.
That stupid dear want us to have sex with it.
She wants it bad.
That's gross, right guys? Like never ever, right? That is a horny deer.
She's playing hard to get.
She's pretending to walk away.
Whatever, she wants it.
Whatever, you know you want it.
You want it.
I'd rock your world.
Humans are way better at doing it than deers.
Sam, outrageous.
Holy fucking shit.
Is that how it is? I'd make your hooves curl up you dirty little doe.
She's going back inside her deer-hole.
Man, I wanted to see her choose who she was going to do next.
You guys wanna go back to the truck.
Man, that deer wanted me.
She's got a fucking bra.
That is so fucking hot.
That is so funny 'cause that means at some point, that deer killed a woman.
That deer doesn't know what its doing, man.
That deer knows exactly what's its doing.
That deer shaves his vagina, that is so attractive me.
That is it, it is fucking on.
Sam, are you gonna do that deer now? - Don't shoot until I'm done.
- Better use a rubber dude, lime disease Who wants to see this deer get fucked? All who wanna see a deer get fucked say "yeah!".
Excuse me Timmy Williams, park ranger.
First of all, you guys need to move your truck.
Secondly, bestiality is way against park regulations here so you three need to get outta here right now.
- Screw you, fuzz.
- Get outta here, get.
You're gonna get it, hard.
Off, off, outta here.
And you, you can have your ring back and I want all my stuff back from your deer-hole you tramp.
Sorry I didn't hang out with you.
- That's all right.
- So what did you guys do? What's wrong with you? Stop it, what was that for? Stop it! Dude, you weren't there.
That's the new thing, we all decided on it last night.
Pretty cool? What's the new thing? That's the new thing? Stop it! Dude, that's the new things, what's the matter you don't like it? There you go.
So that's the new thing? That's the new thing, pretty cool? Hi, kids.
My grand dad.
But the thing, I was just doing the thing.
We only slap people after they use sentences that are questions ending in a one syllable word.
What does that mean? - Questions ending in one syllable words - How was I suppose to know that? What's going on you guys? Was that right? - So we taught Kyle the new thing.
- Just found out.
That another new thing.
If you use an incomplete sentence, you get kicked in the balls.
Kicked in the balls? All right.
I understand that this is the new thing but can't we just hang out like we did before? That's another new thing, if you use a contraction before a preposition, - you get hockey punched.
- Did I? You see, the word "can't" is a contraction and the world "before" is a preposition, you can't say that before you use one of those.
Stop it, stop it.
I can't hang out with you guys anymore without getting slapped, kicked, punched or some other stupid shit.
Expletive! Hey there Kids! I see you're feeling blue, Parents push y'around and tell you what to do.
Dad makes you clean your room and go to bed, Instead of watch TV you have to do homework instead.
And I know it makes you angry and you're full of rage, Let me tell you a secret I wish I knew at your age.
Next time you're angry and you wanna fight back, Just tell your teacher that daddy likes to play with your sack.
And you can get a new daddy, get a new daddy, Police will take the old one away in a caddy.
You can get a new daddy, get a new daddy, Stay up real late, kick back and light up a fatty.
You can get a new daddy, get a new daddy, In a couple of months you'll probably get a new daddy.
Get a new daddy, get a new daddy.
In a couple of months you'll probably get a new daddy.
Now for a little while you're new daddy's cool, Buys you things and tries real hard to bond with you.
He let's you eat candy and play video games, But your friends at school all think that he's kinda lame.
Now you can't have your buddies making fun of your dad.
And all n'all this one's not so bad.
But you think you might want to try once more, Take naked polaroids of yourself and leave them in his sock drawer.
Now your mom is wondering what's wrong with her, and why she keeps attracting men that are dirty pervs.
She has a breakdown and cries and cries, And after a while she's institutionalized.
And you can get a new mommy, get a new mommy.
A new brother and sister, new house and new mommy.
Get a new mommy, get a new mommy.
New brother, new sister, a new house and new mommy.
Get a new mommy, get a new daddy, Stay up real late, kick back and spark up a fatty.
You can get a new daddy, get a new daddy, Police will take the old one away in a caddy.

Next Episode