The Whitest Kids U Know (2007) s03e03 Episode Script

Presidential Props, Island Cannibal, Helicopter Door, Super Dog

Welcome back to Montgomery Hall for the live presidential debates.
If you're just joining us, I'll introduce the four candidates.
Bill Homestead is the junior senator from South Dakota.
Pleased to be here.
Up next is the New Hampshire congressman, Jack Moyer.
The former Illinois governor, Guy Ludlum.
Mary.
And the senator from Delaware, Jack Patton.
Thank you, Ma'am.
Let's talk about the war.
Many would say that our involvement has been lengthier than initially intended.
Most Americans are in favor of withdrawal, but there is a disagreement about the timetable of that withdrawal.
Senator Homestead, what would be your exit strategy? Well, I've said since the beginning that the main problem with the current administration is that they have no exit strategy whatsoever.
I believe we can have the troops back home by this time next year while leaving behind a stable government over there.
I see.
Now, Senator Moyer, I know you've disagreed with Senator Homestead in the past, so I will allow a rebuttal.
Thank you.
I believe that Senator Homestead talks a good talk but lacks the foreign policy experience and the military know-how to actually accomplish such a plan.
My administration would start from day one by withdrawing every troop from the area.
We would also leave the burden of securing order to the citizens of the country and their surrounding allies.
I believe this is the will of the country, I believe this is the best course of action, and I also believe that, come November, Americans are going to be ready for a real change.
Excuse me.
Senator Homestead? Yes.
I'd like to object, if I may, to Senator Moyer's use of an electric guitar to punctuate his point.
This is the kind of dirty politics and distracting theatrics that we need to get out of the White House right now.
If we are going to continue this debate, I'd like to call for the removal of the guitar.
Now, now, Senator Homestead.
As made clear from the beginning, you were each allowed to bring two props to this debate.
The guitar is one of Senator Moyer's.
You are free to use one of your props, if you'd like.
Well, I didn't know they could be distracting props! All I brought was a copy of the Bible for inspiration and a supportive letter from my wife, Barbara! Okay, I guess I'll make my rebuttal.
I'd like to take a moment to talk about the ''surrounding allies'' that Mr.
Moyer mentions.
These are nations that have very hostile feelings towards the United-- [ Air horn blows ] [ Applause ] Oh! An air-horn interruption from Governor Ludlum.
Here we go.
There is no way that should be allowed! Now, now, Mr.
Homestead.
That is one of his props.
Governor Ludlum, do you have something you'd like to add to Mr.
Homestead's statement? [ Air horn blows ] Very well, Governor.
Let's move on down to Senator Patton.
We all know that you have a very specific exit strategy.
Would you care to elaborate? [ Rock music plays ] [ Cheers and applause ] Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Objection! He's got way too many props! He's got a dog, he's got a boombox, he's got the cape, he's got the sunglasses Clothing is not a prop.
Ugh! Super Dog Everyone loves Super Dog [ Applause ] Thank you, Senator Patton.
Senator Homestead, do you have a rebuttal prepared to Super Dog? Super Dog? My mistake, Senator Patton.
This is absurd! These guys are over here putting on some circus show when all I want to do is talk about the issues.
We have over 36 million people living below the poverty line right now.
[ Air horn fades and stops ] Awww! Good! It's out of juice.
At least that's over.
Well, it looks like Governor Ludlum is using his second prop, a machine that fills air horns.
[ Applause ] [ Air horn blows ] Oh, my God! [ Air horn blows ] Senator Homestead, perhaps you'd do well to use some of your props and stop smearing the other candidates.
What do you want me to do? Read the entire Bible? God, no! How about the letter from your wife? It's personal! It's clearly stated in the rules that each candidate must use one of their props.
Okay, fine! Maybe this will bring a little insight and reality into this debate! I wasn't planning on reading this tonight, but here we go.
[ Music plays ] ''Dearest beloved, good luck tonight with the big debate.
The children and I are proud of you no matter what happens.
We know what a wonderful man you are and what a great leader you would make this fine nation one day.
We will pray that God give you a quick tongue and a sharp mind as you engage this evening.
Your loving wife and daughters, Barbara.
P.
S.
I have enclosed a lock of my hair to give you strength.
'' Aw, that's sweet.
[ Buzzer ] I'm sorry, Mr.
Homestead, but that's three props.
You are now officially disqualified from this debate.
You and your seed will be be banned from politics from this day until the end of time.
What? Fuck this country! [ Rock music plays ] Super Dog! President Super Dog! [ Applause ] Eighteen days.
-No food, no water-- -There's water! -No drinking water.
-Ooooh! Drinking water.
Right.
All right, man, I've been thinking, we're gonna die if we don't get some sort of nourishment.
And I don't wanna have to kill and eat you, and I don't want you to have to kill and eat me.
No, we're best friends.
Whatever.
Look.
What if I just ate a little bit of you, and you ate just a little bit of me, just to keep us going until rescue arrives? That sounds fair.
What part of me do you wanna eat? Huh? What on me looks good? I don't know.
What on me looks good? Hmm, you know, if I had to pick I guess your, ah, I guess your lips look pretty good.
Yeah, I was thinking that, too.
Yeah, lips look good, right? Yeah.
They're like, meaty, right? They seem pretty easy to eat.
You know? Yeah, and you don't really need your lips.
Totally! Settled, man.
Let's just eat each other's lips.
At the same time? Just go for it, man.
I'm fucking starving.
Okay.
[ Moaning ] Ah, yeah.
That's good.
[ Moaning ] [ Moaning ] [ Laughter ] Hey, fags! -Hey! Hey! -Hey! Stop the boat! [ Laughter ] Oh, that was good! Man, we are really far out here! Yeah, maybe we should turn back.
Hey, you guys see those fags? -Oh, dolphin! -Oh! [ Scraping metal ] [ Laughter ] Fag! This war is crazy, man! Can't wait to get back to base and get one of those Vietnamese burritos! What? I said I want to get a Vietnamese burrito! What? Close the door, man! I know it's a crazy war! I just said that! No, no! Close the door! Yeah.
Yeah.
Close the door, man! Right on, man! I love it! Dude! Just close the door shut! I don't know.
Like, maybe once.
With, like, my uncle's sister.
What, dude? Close! The! Door! Dude, I'm just saying, close the door! Are you sure? What? Aren't I gonna need that? Just shut the fucking door, man! You're crazy, man! All right! Dude! Stop doing that! Whoo! Just close the door! Aaagh! All right, let's do this! Shut the door.
My boot.
Retard! This song is for everyone in the club.
Someone very special just walked in the door, and he's ready to party.
A Super Dog is here to play A Super Dog is here to play A Super Dog is here to say I say hail to the chief Hail to the chief Someone grab a stick and play fetch with the chief Super Dog's in the discotheque And and he's gonna take some honeys in here to bed He doesn't roll over and never, ever begs If you look real good he'll hump your leg But don't get mad, girls Don't get bitter Some lucky lady's gonna have his litter Everybody get on your knees And pray like good little super puppies Everybody get on your knees And pray like good little super puppies Oh, Super Dog, don't kill us all Don't murder us with your furry paws We are your subjects You're our ruler Like Kennedy and Buddha but so much cooler The bark you make is a golden sound And the spots on your coat so round and brown And the cute little curl that's in your tail And nobody wears a cape so well l_s Super Dog Yeah, Super Dog Everybody get a picture with Super Dog Pet him on the head Give him a toy Oh, Super Dog is such a good boy l_s Super Dog Yeah, Super Dog Everybody get in line and touch Super Dog Please bless our food and bless our crops And we pray that the music never, ever stops [ Air horn blows ] And then I gave the guy an uppercut right there at the bar! That is so hot.
You're sure he was gay? Totally! Oh, my God, we're coming up on my ex-boyfriend's street! Should I beat his ass? No, it's not like that.
You actually have heard of him, probably.
His name is Trent Reznor.
Oh, yeah.
Who is he again? Ugh! He's like the piano player for that band, Nine Inch Nails.
He's like some big, stupid rock star or something.
Like Dave Matthews? Yeah, kind of like Dave Matthews.
Wait, is he one of those musicians who wears, like, makeup and stuff? Yeah, he's, like, totally goth now.
It's pathetic.
And check it out, I'm the one that did it to him.
Look.
Here's a picture of Trent two days before I dumped his ass.
Seems like a cool dude.
Okay.
And now here's the picture of Trent two days after I dumped his ass.
Oh! Oh! -Fag! -Totally.
He's a total fag.
So, anyways, now sometimes when I get bored, I like to just drive over to his house and just drive him crazy.
It's pretty fun.
Do you want to try it? I like fun.
[ Dog barks ] Now, don't uppercut him or anything, baby.
Leave this to me.
ls that the pizza? Golly, you guys sure got here in a-- Aaagh! Stephanie! How did--? Ugh! Ugh! Ugh, ugh! Aaugh! Agh! Ahg! Ugh, uh, Stephanie! Wha--? Wha--? What are you doing here? I-- I-- I thought you were the pizza man! Oh, I was just in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd pop in and tell you that I'm probably totally in love with you again.
Ooh! Augh! I-- I knew this day would come! I never stopped believing! Stephanie! I love you, too! Psych! I'm just fucking with you, Trent.
I think you're totally pathetic and weird.
Hah! [ Cries ] [ Inaudible dialogue ] Stephanie, why would you come here and do this to me again? Because I want you to meet my new boyfriend.
His name is Dirk, and his dick is huge.
[ Cries ] GuiIty! Hey, man.
What's up? Nice to meet you.
Psych, fag! [ Laughter ] Good one, Dirk.
Kiss me.
Guys, sorry, I've got to go.
I have to channel my pain into my music! He always does this! [ Piano Plays ] Uh, by the way, Trent, Dirk's a musician, too, and he's probably totally better than you are! [ Sobs ] Yeah, I know, like, almost every Sublime song on bass! My God! Hey, Trent, your place Iooks like shit! [ Sobs ] Yeah, this is what I imagine a girl vampire's house to look like.
I thought you were a pizza but you were )ust my heartbreak Insects in the rotting fruit My head is a hammer So, yeah, basically I just come over here every couple years or so, and I give him a hard time, and then he goes and makes an album and makes like a shit ton of money.
It's kind of a win/win situation.
Yeah, I heard the Sublime guys always like to write music when they smoke weed.
Oh, oh, baby, want to see him really turn on the waterworks? Take out your dick, and then I'll call him into the room.
This will be funny! Dirk! Dirk! What a jerk! What a jerk! There's pigs everywhere Hey, Trent, I think the pizza guy's at the door.
Oh, finally! A pizza will help take my mind off of-- [ Cries ] I'm just kidding, I'm totally blowing my boyfriend.
Fuck you, nerd! Oh, yeah! Ladies, and gentlemen, the surviving members of Sublime! So, sorry about all that music we put out.
Hindsight's 20-20.
We just hope you guys can all find it in your hearts to forgive us.
Anyway, the Grammy for Best Industrial/Emo Album of the Year goes to Nine Inch Nails, with the album ''Dirk, the Pizza Jerk''.
[ Cries ] Okay, Caleb.
Well, good morning, and welcome to your first day of homeschool! Now, our first class of the day will be geometry.
I was looking at our lesson plan Iast night, and it looks to me like-- Mom, I'm gonna get some Cap'n Crunch.
Ah, excuse me, Caleb.
No, you're not.
There's no eating in the classroom.
This is the kitchen.
Well, during school hours, we're calling this the classroom.
And I would appreciate it if you did not call me ''Mom'', but instead refer to me as ''Mrs.
Carlyle''.
Ms.
Carlyle? Thank you, Caleb.
Yes? You're not a real teacher.
During school hours, I am your homeschool teacher.
Okay, Mom, I hope I do really, really good at homeschool, so that way I can get into a homecollege, and then I can get a homejob and make tons of homemoney! Caleb, I will be making sure that you are more than prepared to get into a good college! What's the square root of 1 44? Excuse me? What's the square root of 1 44? Keep it up! Keep it up, young man.
Because that's not in the lesson today.
I don't need to know that today.
So.
I'm supposed to learn geometry from a lady who never graduated college? Caleb! I dropped out of school so I could raise you! Okay, so I'm supposed to learn geometry from a lady who never graduated college and wasn't smart enough to use condoms.
That--! You--! That is detention! Sweet! Where's that, like, my room? Yeah--! No! That is-- That is in the laundry room! Okay, going to the laundry room.
See-ya.
During school hours, it's a detention hall! Thanks for clearing that up, Professor.
That's 20 more minutes in the detention hall! Uh-huh.
Excuse me, I've got to do your lau-- [ Gasps ] Caleb! Are you smoking? Yep.
Where do I got to go now? ls the principaI's office my room? 'Cause I'm really just trying to make it back up there.
You are on strike two, young man! One more, and you get suspended! If I get suspended, does that mean l go back to real school? This is real school! Now, back to the kitchen! You mean classroom.
That's right! Classroom! Okay, now, there are three types of triangles.
-There's the isosceles-- -Mrs.
Carlyle.
Yes, Caleb? I just got an invisible telegram from the EIf Kingdom.
Princess Buttercup is in trouble, and they need me to go help, so, I'm gonna have to skip today.
Caleb Jesse Carlyle! What? You're pretending, I'm pretending! We're pretending together! That is--! That's it! You go down to the garage! Oh, no! The garage? ls that, like, super detention? Yes! That's like super detention! It's the super detention hall! The super detention hall! ls that the one with the pool table? Yes! No! You don't go to the garage! You go -- outside to the backyard! That's where the real pool is! I'll go get my swim trunks! No! Caleb! You--! You go--! To your room.
There we go.
Good first day, Mom.
It's Mrs.
Carlyle.
[ Music plays ] It's working! Yes! Yes! I'm finally ready! I'm finally ready! Oh, oh.
Oh.
Awesome! Fucking awesome! [ TV dialogue ] Dude! The mail just came! Shut up! Did they come? X-ray glasses! [ Music plays ] Oh, yeah.
Wha-- wha-- wha-- whaaaat? Doooog paaaark! Doooog paaaark! Ooooh myyyy! Uhhh-huuuh!