The Whitest Kids U Know (2007) s03e07 Episode Script

Genie, Epilepsy Test, Throw Up Employee

I gotta find some stuff for the yard sale! Oh, my God! A lamp! At last, I'm free from the lamp's confines.
I was in that thing for quite a long time! Wow! A rhyming magic genie! No.
Actually, that was just a mistake! But now you have three wishes to make! Wow, you rhymed again! Oh, I did, didn't l? But I assure you, that was just an accident.
Oh-mee, oh-my.
You totally did that on purpose.
No, I didn't.
No, I didn't.
Fuck this, I'm getting another genie.
Whoa! Yeah, baby! Yeah! That is so outdated.
Wait a minute, somebody took my idea for a movie? You mean, ''Austin Powers''? Austin Powers! That was my idea! Fuck this, I'm getting another genie.
Mini Me? Dr.
Evil? Did they do that stuff? Hey, kid.
I'm Darren, your genie! Eh.
Now we're talkin'! Helloooooo, kid! Helloooooo, Genie! So I get three wishes, right? That's right.
You are the lucky recipient of three magic wishes.
These wishes may drastically change your life, so think long and hard about what you really want and what may improve your existence, and then make your choice.
I want my teacher dead! Uh.
Look, I want you to know, I really don't feel comfortable doing this.
I don't give a flying fuck.
Shoot.
I've never even used one of these before.
It's easy.
That's the business end.
Point it at the target and go to work.
But it'll make her die! And that's my wish.
Now do it! Okay, okay.
You can do this.
You can do this.
You're a fuckin' genie for Christ's sake.
[ Gunshot ] Did we get her? Oh, you fucking got her.
[ Groans ] Now about my second wish.
I wanna have sex with Megan Welbly.
Who's that? She's the hottest girl in school.
She's a senior.
Kid, I don't know.
You're a genie, you have to make it happen.
That's the rule.
Hi.
What do you want? Well, I don't know if you've noticed any of the freshmen this year or anything, but I have this friend -- he's really cool, and he thinks you're really pretty.
MAN: Meg, who is it? It's just some Smurf.
Actually I am a genie.
Kid, get in.
The talks didn't go so well.
So, about my third wish.
What could you possibly want now? I want to be President of the United States of America.
Kid, that's gonna take a long time.
I mean, we're gonna have to start all grassroots.
And kids aren't even eligible.
Plus it's gonna be tough since you just raped that woman.
Or maybe I could wish that there were no more genies.
No, no, no.
I'll do it.
Fucking psycho.
Hi, my name is Genie Simmons, and I'm here to talk to you about Proposition 262A, which, if voted for, would enable children to run for President.
And I would just like to -- Hi.
I'd like to talk to you about electing Billy Masterson to city council.
Hi.
I'd like to talk to you about councilman Billy Masterson's campaign for Mayor.
Hi.
I'd like to talk to you about our adorable child senator, Billy Masterson.
Well, he's decided to take a run for the Oval Office.
N EWSCASTE R: Our pollsters in Virginia say it is going 49 to 51 there in favor of the Governor of Alaska.
Ladies and gentlemen, we've just received word.
With 63% of our precincts reporting in, we are calling it for Billy Masterson! Whoo! Well, kid, I guess this is good-bye.
We've had some times, haven't we, Genie? Yeah.
My bitch teacher's dead, I got some sweet puss, and now I'm the leader of the free world.
I picked up smoking, and my doctor says I have an ulcer.
Ha, yeah! Epilepsy test! One moment please.
Getting your resuIts.
One moment please.
Getting your resuIts.
One moment please.
Getting resuIts.
Please be patient while we get your resuIts.
Thank you for your patience while we look for your resuIts.
Okay, I'm getting your resuIts now.
Please hold for resuIts.
ResuIts are in! I'm reading your resuIts.
Please hold while I'm reading your resuIts.
Congratulations, you don't have epilepsy.
[ Cheering ] But you have tested positive for: Glaucoma! Um, okay.
You had one Super Bacon Cheeseburger.
Yes.
Um, with Monster fries and Extreme Sauce.
Yes, thank you.
Um.
A Spiderman Coke.
And.
Oh, one large pickle.
Okay, thanks for shopping at -- [ Vomits ] Um.
Okay.
No refunds.
Next in line, please.
Um, hold on a second.
Let me talk to your manager.
Um, I am the manager.
No refunds.
Next in line, please.
No, not ''next in line, please.
'' You threw up all over my food.
Um, no, I didn't.
Thanks for shopping at Wen-- No, you did.
Get the manager.
Dude, why are you making a scene? All these people are watching you.
You look ridiculous right now.
Okay.
Help! Manager, please! Dude! Narc! Yes, can I help you? I'm the manager.
Yes, your employee just threw up all over my food.
Um, no, I didn't.
He threw up on his own food.
No, he did it.
I saw him.
Okay, you got me.
Can't blame a guy for trying, though.
I tried to play if off.
Up top! No, no.
Brian, you're not feeling well.
You need to go home.
No, I think you need to go home 'cause you're the one that's not feeling well.
Brian, I'm not gonna tell you again, go home.
Dude, why are you making such a scene? Everyone's watching.
You look ridiculous right now.
Go home, Brian.
Uh, no, Mr.
Lagurski, I'm not gonna make out with you and take you to prom like you always asked me to.
Okay.
Brian that is strike three.
You are fired.
Uh, you can't fire me because my dad owns the franchise.
No, Brian, I own the franchise.
Your dad is the town drunk, and you are fired.
Now, go.
All right.
Tried to play it off though.
Come on, up top.
-Get out.
-Come on.
Get out.
Okay.
I will get out.
But you guys will all be sorry.
You'll never know what you are missing because I swear to God, that that dude was the dude that threw up in his own -- [ Vomits ] [ Screams ] [ Children scream ] You kids look like you could use a delicious fruity beverage! Who are you? Might I suggest fizzy-Pops Grape Blast, the new soda from Johnson and Hedges! Open wide, kids, 'cause I'm gonna grape you in the mouth! [ Screams ] [ Children scream ] He's going to what them in the mouth? He's gonna grape 'em.
He's going to grape them? Yeah, in the mouth.
Right.
Sure.
There's more.
No, I -- I'm sorry.
All right, well, I'm not sure that I'm comfortable with the catch phrase ''I'm gonna grape you in the mouth'' for our new mascot.
I mean.
We're just not sure about that one.
Yeah, we might want to workshop it a touch.
Really? Why? That's his thing.
He grapes people.
He grapes people in the mouth.
We're just not exactly sure that is -- He sneaks into little kids' rooms in the middle of the night, and he grapes them in the mouth.
Okay, see, 'cause I think that the reason that I'm a little hesitant is because to me it sounds like he's saying -- to me it sounds like he's saying he's going to.
Rape them.
What? Oh, oh, no! No, no, no, no, no.
What? Oh! I'm sorry, it -- Sir, get your mind out of the gutter! He's a grape.
How is a grape gonna rape a kid? What are you talking about? But it sounds like -- It's a grape commercial.
I love it.
He, like, grapes the kids! Okay, I mean, if I'm the minority here, we can keep going.
Come here, kids! I'm gonna tie you to the radiator and grape you! Okay.
What? Why'd you stop it? I'm gonna tie you to the radiator and grape you? What? I'm going to rape you! [ Gasps ] No, that's what it sounds like he's saying.
-I love it! -Really? Are you back on this rape thing again? Why was he going to tie them to a radiator? That's how he grapes people! That's what he does! No! He's the Grapist! The Grapist?! That's his name?! The Grapist! Classic! This is obviously a rape scenario.
What? Why are you trying to twist a children's soda commercial into your weird, sick, sort of twisted pervy -- Why were they running? Why was that child screaming, ''Mom!''? Well, that kid is a horrible actor, and the next time we shoot the commercial, we're gonna use somebody else because the thing is -- These kids were obviously horrified.
Not that girl.
Look, she's totally asking for it.
What?! Look at her.
She's begging to get graped.
Will you listen to yourseIf? Look what she's wearing.
Look what she's wearing?! It's purple! Oh, okay.
No! No! No! Grape those kids! I love it! Look, do you guys want the commercial or not? Yes, we want the commercial.
Of course we want the commercial.
-We want it.
-Here's the paperwork.
I just have some serious reservations about this whole thing.
Do you mind? No, not at all.
[ Children scream ] ANNOUNCER: Buy some today and get a free grape whistle.
A grape whistle? Really? G RAPIST: Okay, when I finish graping you, I'm gonna go upstairs and I'm gonna grape your mother and your father and then I'm gonna take your whole family down to the basement and grape you all for decades and decades and decades .
I think this is too much.
I think it's too much.
Shh.
Thanks.
Hey, get me one of those lottery tickets.
[ Dog barks ] ANNOUNCER: New fizzy-Pops Grape Blast.
Dave, did you take out the trash? Shh.
In a second.
_OST: And now it's time for the Power Slam Pick 7.
Tonigh_s winning numbers are: Whoo! What are you gonna do with all that money? Well, I have plans to invest.
Hi, I'd like 35 million Iottery tickets, please.
What are you gonna do with all that money? I have some more plans to invest.
[ Dog barks ] _OS_: 69.
Saints are playing the Power Slam 7.
You're an idiot, you know that? Fuck you.
Take out the trash.
Hi.
Hello, Ronald Reagan, nice to meet you.
Mr.
Reagan, I'm your biggest fan! I loved that movie where you get drunk with a monkey! Oh, man.
Thanks, sweetheart.
Thank you.
Mr.
Reagan, now that you're President, are you still gonna make movies? The President will be very busy serving the country.
I don't think he'll have any time to make any movies.
I don't know about that.
I don't know.
Yeah, you're the best, Mr.
Reagan! Sorry, everybody, but the President has to go, okay? President Reagan, have you seen any movies that you've liked lately? Well.
Okay, again, I'm really sorry.
We've got to be on our way.
Well, hold on now.
I'm talking about the movies.
Now, I quite like those Star Wars movies.
Okay, Mr.
President, we have a very important meeting to go to.
Mr.
President, would you consider being in one of those Star Wars movies? Okay, the President's not gonna be in any Star Wars movies.
Now, now, hold on.
I think I might do a pretty mean Han Solo impersonation.
Watch it, Chewie! There's Stormtroopers around! [ Cheering ] Mr.
President, we have a very important meeting about how to stop the unprecedented rise of AIDS this decade! Oh, fuck all that! I'm talking about the movies! Yeah! Movies! Movies! Need movies! Need movies! Ah, geez.
I don't know, Mr.
Benji.
There sure are an awful lot of people around him.
And they're probably all gonna be hoppin' mad if I go and shoot the President of the United States.
What? Nah.
No, they will.
They totally will.
They'll be plenty mad.
Then they'll probably all chase me down and beat me up or something! No, they won't.
People don't like to get involved.
They'll probably just think it was something between you and him.
They'll be like, ''Whoa, not my business!'' I don't know.
I'm starting to think I'm a crazy person for even considering something like this.
You? John Hinkley? Crazy? Don't be ridiculous! Let me tell you what would be crazy.
finding a talking dog on your doorstep one morning and not doing everything it tells you to do! Yeah, I guess you're right.
Of course I'm right.
Now don't be a crazy person and go and shoot the President in the fucking face! I think he's buying it, Vice President George Bush.
Shh.
Come on, really? Why the hell would you say that? -Sorry about that, Sir.
-You said my name and title.
It sounded so unnatural.
So sorry, Sir.
I think he's buying it, Vice President George H.
W.
Bush.
who lives in Washington D.
C.
'' Sorry, Sir.
You're a CIA agent, for Christ's sake! So sorry.
Shut up! Don't say sorry! -My B.
-Stop it! -Sorry about that.
-No, stop saying sorry! Don't even say sorry.
Just stop talking.
-Sorry.
-Stop! Why don't you just read out my entire Social Security Number while you're at it? Jesus! Doggie, why do you have two voices? Nothing, I'm just possessed with demons, like in ''The Exorcist.
'' Oh, my God! That movie is so scary! The first time I saw it, I couldn't watch a little girl sleeping in a bed for months! Yeah, it was really scary.
Now, come on, let's do this shit! You know what a really scary movie is? Have you ever seen ''Rosemary's Baby''? No.
John, let's stay focused.
Oh, my God.
Doggie, you have to see it! Okay, Mr.
President, we got this budget meeting now.
We really gotta -- [ Growls ] That was my Chewbacca impression! [ Laughter and cheering ] Mr.
Reagan, what are you going to do about the Soviets? Oh, well, I think I'll tell everyone that they're like the empire! That way nobody will like them! Yeah! And then I'll get NASA to build its own Star Wars weapons! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Mr.
President, are we getting a Death Star? Oh, we're getting a Death Star! [ Cheering ] And then the shark comes up, and the lady is all like, ''Aaaaaaggghhhh! Gahhhhaaaaaaaaaaaa!'' And it was so scary.
I don't care.
John, listen to me! John! Like, seriously, top three times scared ever.
Hey, do you want to know what this is from? No, I don't.
Are you talking to me? Mo.
'Cause there's nobody else here.
I don't care.
-Then who are you talking to? -I don't care! John! John Hinkley! Listen to the possessed dog! It's from ''Taxi Driver.
'' Have you seen that movie? It is so good! Jodie Foster's in it, and she's, like, super cute! Hey, I know Jodie foster.
You do? Yeah, and I'll get her to blow you if you'll shoot the goddamn President in the face so I can fucking be President! Okay, sounds good.
[ Gunshots ] God, people fucking love movies.