The Windsors (2016) s02e01 Episode Script

1 Hey, Wills.
Morning, Kate.
Just getting things ready for George and Charlotte.
Gosh, when you said you want to be a hands-on dad, you really meant it, - didn't you? - Oh, I just want to do what any other dad does Put off working full-time till I'm 40, and take the kids up the park in their sedan chair How are you coping with all your new royal duties? I find, if you really embrace these things, they hardly seem like work at all.
Like that royal premiere the other night.
It was really just like going to see a film, except you get driven there in a big car, and meet Ryan Gosling.
You know, I really did marry a remarkable woman.
Wotcha, you two.
There's someone I'd like you to meet.
Meghan Markle.
Oh, my God! Wills and Kate! Yah, please do call us Wills and Kate.
The way you handle the spotlight is such an inspiration.
As you know, I've had to deal with many of the same issues, since I was catapulted to fame as a regular on Suits.
Yah, that's a TV show? - Of course.
- Yah.
My character's a strong, fiercely intelligent woman, like me.
Yeah, but she's still a sexual being.
Which is why she's always in her bra.
You see, she's an empowered, independent woman, who knows what she wants.
- Like me.
- Meghan's feeling a little unsure of herself, I'm taking her to meet Dad and Camilla later.
Well, I could give you a few pointers if you like.
- Would you? - Good idea, those two can be a lot more formal than us.
I think er said the Dresden china, Baines.
Let us begin now.
Uh-huh.
Listen, bro, I'm worried about this meeting with Dad and Camilla.
You know Great Uncle Edward had to abdicate because he fell in love with an American divorcee? Harry, that's amazing, how do you know that? I'm watching The Crown on Netflix.
Well, Meghan is an American divorcee.
So now I'm worried I'm going to have to give it all up and live in France.
And I can't be expected to learn another language.
That was 80 years ago.
The modern Royal Family's completely different now.
No, Baines, that's the Davenport.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Oh, God.
That awful woman Theresa May is here.
You're just jealous cos she's got real power.
She has to rule by democracy.
Whereas I ruled by the Divine Right of Kings.
When you say rule, do you mean open the Chelsea Flower Show? The right honourable Theresa May.
Ah, Prime Minister.
Can we offer you a drink? Just water, please.
I've recently installed a re-bed filtration system to recycle the household waste, so that glass of water you're drinking is actually my urine.
It's delicious.
Now then, Britain's in crisis.
- Thanks to you.
- Since Brexit, we've got no-one left to trade with, so we're trying to do a deal with the Chinese, and it's vital you host a royal lunch.
You know my position on China.
That cavalier attitude towards the environment.
But you travel everywhere on a huge private jet.
Which is offset by my huge private forest.
That was planted in the 12th century.
I still have to prune it! You'll do what you're told.
I am a man of principle, which is why it was such hell conducting an extramarital affair with her for 15 years.
- I won't.
- Yes, you will.
I won't.
You're the worst Prime Minister since Gordon Brown.
I hate you.
Charles! Charles, come back here at once! I'm so sorry about my husband.
Just get him to host this lunch.
And you don't have to apologise, I didn't get into this job to make friends.
Oh, I don't have any friends either.
Maybe we could grab a coffee some time.
Do this, and we can have as much coffee as you like.
- Hello, Auntie Anne.
- So, you want to get back on the sovereign grant, do you? Mm? Not happy with your Uncle Charles' new, slimmed down, - Royal Family? - We just feel we could help.
Oh, do you? Well, let's see what you were up to in, let's say, 2015.
Goodness me.
You did do a lot.
- Thank you, Auntie Anne.
- Of sunbathing! Greece, Bahrain, Rome, the Bahamas, Roman Abramowitz's yacht in Ibiza.
We needed to unwind from our high pressure jobs.
You don't stick at anything for more than a couple of months.
I've got toilet rolls that last longer than you do.
- And are a lot more useful.
- It's not our fault.
We don't have the work ethic.
It's been bred out of us.
But we are bubbly.
When people meet someone royal, they don't want bubbly! They want someone stern, and austere, who'll create a bit of an atmosphere.
Someone dead inside, who's clearly the victim of some unspecified trauma.
In short, me.
Sorry to have troubled you.
And yet there is something you could help with.
There's a royal lunch for the Chinese coming up.
And you want us to attend in a royal capacity? No.
I want you to do the catering.
That one's for grouse, that's for partridge, and that's for swan.
That's a lot for a humble TV actress like me to process.
You'll be fine.
I'm a gypsy, and I managed it.
I see.
So there's a piece of you who's still gypsy Kate, who always tells it how it is? Kind of like my character in Suits, and then there's Princess Kate, who has a quiet, understated dignity.
A bit like my character in Suits.
It's true, but in here, I'm Catherine.
Changed my name to Kate at uni so I didn't seem such a stiff.
Oh, my God! That's exactly like my character in Suits! Hello.
Who's this? Oh, Pippa, um, this is Meghan.
- Meghan Markle? - You know me from Suits? No, The Mail Online.
Hasn't Harry done well for himself? So have I.
You know Harry, he's the kindest, warmest, sexiest, funniest, cutest, most generous, charming, handsome man in the whole world.
I'm marrying a billionaire.
Pippa, it's a bit vulgar to talk about money.
That's a one, with nine noughts after it.
Ah! I'm late for twerk-a-cise.
I have to stay in shape, for my TV show, Suits.
Oh Are you an actress? How fucking dare you have her round here! She's nervous.
Just like I was.
You see, for a while, I didn't feel I belonged in the Royal Family.
But now I do.
I really do.
And I'm ready to be Britain's Queen.
You know you said that out loud? And you know what Harry meant to me.
You've got Johnny now.
Yes, I do.
And I'm in love with him.
And he just bought me a special ticket, which means I can go to Wimbledon whenever I like.
Well, I shall see you there, because I've just been made patron of Wimbledon.
I'm going to hand out the trophies.
You fucking what? What qualifies you for that? Well, I do really like tennis.
But I really like tennis! Yes, but you've got to really like tennis and be Go on.
Say it.
And be a royal.
So, there it is.
I've had enough of this.
I'm going to put a gypsy curse on you.
Pippa, you can't put a gypsy curse on me just because - I've become patron of Wimbledon.
- Watch me.
May your hand be shaky and old when it touches anything gold.
Oh, Pippa! I won't be able to hand over the trophy.
Exactly.
And the curse can only be lifted if I perform an act of kindness.
But you've never done anything kind your whole life.
I know.
Charles, you don't think this dress is, um, too tight? Do you? Shall we? I don't think we'll be doing any of that for a while.
Not unless you change your mind about this Chinese lunch.
Absolutely not.
Shame.
Oops! Clumsy.
Oh, my God! Ah, they're right there.
Just a light buff, please.
- Excuse me? - Oh, Dad, she's not here to clean your shoes.
This is Meghan.
My girlfriend.
Oh, right, yes.
Of course.
Sorry about that.
It's just the woman who cleans my shoes is also a woman.
Not now! Delighted to meet you, my dear.
Hey, Pops! - I love you.
- Yes, that was nice.
And you, you have been an inspiration of the whole world.
I can't deny it.
And by the way, you don't look anything like 90.
- What? - You could be 80.
- Well, 85.
- That's not the Queen, that's the stepmum.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's cos you're so sun-damaged.
All I heard was 90.
Come on, Meghan, we can start getting our bibs on.
I think I really made a connection with your folks.
Yah, absolutely.
She's nice.
Sparky.
About this lunch, Theresa's awfully keen for you to host it.
The thought of sitting down and eating with her makes me physically sick.
The way that woman talked to me was utterly disrespectful.
She's a jumped up little oik who has no business even meeting us.
Blimey.
I'm going to have to abdicate.
Like Edward V one, one, one.
We deserve this.
24 hours to go, and we've already organised the catering - for an entire state banquet.
- Yah, that one call to Fortnum and Mason's was pretty tiring.
Hello, girls.
Mummy, have you been invited? No, that's why I'm here a day early.
I like to get in before the security cordon goes up, and hide in a box.
Ooh, that's a possible.
Ooh, I don't think that's a good idea.
Remember what happened when you got your freckly bangers out - at the French state dinner? - I was on prescription painkillers.
And I need to get in.
I've got to penetrate the Asian market with my right royal juicer.
I'm sorry, Mummy.
We can't risk you bollocking this up.
We're trying to get back on the sovereign grant.
No, you're right, girls.
I'll go.
And I definitely won't try and hide in that box.
- Hello, Your Highness.
- Emma.
You remembered? I still can't believe you're here at mums and toddlers group, instead of stopping elephant poachers.
No, parenting's much more important.
I mean, look how well little George is fitting in.
He's made a mess.
No rest for the wicked.
Nanny! - HRH Prince Wills.
- It's about this lunch for the Chinese - Ya? - I wondered if you might host it.
- I can't.
I'm putting in the hours to be a proper part of my children's lives.
- Here's your cup of tea.
Camilla's so desperate for me to do it, she's gone on strike.
- From what? - From the boudoir.
You think just because women are late 60s we don't do it? - All right, Dad.
- We're every-nighters.
Our whole relationship has been a relentlessly sordid sexual adventure, breaking every taboo, and now she's shut up shop.
- And I'm getting rather - Gloomy? Backed up.
Look, Dad, I've got to go.
I give up.
Camilla! You look done in.
What time are your staff getting here? - How do you mean? - Well, it's nearly lunchtime.
Who's going to feed little Dean? Well, I will.
'Oh, my God.
'I'm not a hands-on dad at all.
'I'm just a posh bloke with a nanny.
' Well, that's cleared the custard.
It's from Theresa.
Oh.
She must be very busy, she's forgotten emojis.
Now nothing stands in the way of getting what I've always wanted.
Your first female friend? - Exactly.
- Care for a mug of cocoa to celebrate? Why not? Two large cocoas, please, Ken.
It gives me great pleasure, as patron of Wimbledon, to present you, Andy Murray, with the All England Cup, which is made entirely of gold.
Ah! I can't hold on to it! Ah, you've fucked up my fucking foot! Kate! Wills, Wills, I just dreamt Andy Murray really swore at me.
Oh, darling, Wimbledon's going to be easy.
All you have to do is pick up the gold cup and give it to the winner.
Even a non-royal could do that.
I'm just being silly, aren't I? - What are you doing? - Making the kids sandwiches.
I've given Nanny the day off.
But who's going to take the kids to the park with you? No-one.
- But don't you think - I know it sounds crazy, but it's something I've got to do, for me.
I understand.
Camilla.
Theresa! You're looking very regal.
You're looking very powerful.
We make quite a team.
Yes.
Excuse me, everyone, I have a message from the newly retired Prince Philip.
"Dear funny foreigners, "don't think, just cos I'm not there, that you can nick stuff.
"I've made an inventory, and if anything's missing tomorrow, "I will fuck you up.
"All the best, Phil.
" Well read.
Oh, and you've also been asked to present the state gift to the Chinese president.
- What is it? - Some sort of gold bowl, I think.
What? The gypsy curse! How did she know I called her that? Now, Pippa, I met Harry's new girlfriend the other day.
Wouldn't be surprised if we hear wedding bells.
Not worried she's a little old for him? Oh, no, no, she's so pretty.
Probably the prettiest girl he's ever been out with.
I went out with him.
Oh, it's no slight on you.
It's just she's really, really pretty.
The wheels on the Rolls go round and round All day long The chauffer on the Rolls says, Morning, Your Highness No nanny today, Wills? I'm proud of you.
- We all are.
- Thanks.
As you're doing so well, we just wondered if you'd look after - the kids for an hour.
- On my own? - Yeah.
Well, they love you.
It's just, River Island's got a sale on and me and the other mums fancied a quick look.
Sorry, "River Island"? It's a shop.
And "sale"? It's where they lower the prices.
Do you think they'll be all right, or? Yeah, yeah, you go for it, I've got this.
Great, thanks, Wills.
You, you're gonna make a fabulous king.
You've got to want it, Roger.
Own that stick.
And let's see some swagger out of there with the hanky, Nigel.
And remember, big finish.
- What's going on? - Oh, we thought we'd have some entertainment.
And we put Edward in charge of it.
Why the fuck would you do that? Don't you remember it's a Royal Knockout? John Travolta and Meatloaf were chased by Sheena Easton, dressed as an enormous cockerel.
- TV gold.
- Oh, shut up.
How could you put this imbecile in charge?! I don't think you should talk like that about Edward, - when he's still in the room.
- Oh, that's all right, I've been called an imbecile to my face many times.
And worse.
Christ! What's an imbecile? I thought we had a deal! You promised if I gave you all the sugary drinks you'd behave! This is a nightmare.
Think this is a nightmare? Try besieging Jerusalem - with a bucket on your head.
- Richard the Lionheart? That's right.
And I didn't get called Lionheart by looking after small children while their mums went to the River Island sale.
So you're saying I should go to the Chinese lunch, and not be such a hands-on dad? Of course.
You should be dealing with matters of state, demonstrating tact and diplomacy, like I did on the Crusades.
When I slaughtered countless infidels and recaptured Jerusalem.
But you didn't recapture Jerusalem.
Shut up! At least I don't have to change Finton's nappy.
Oh, has he? About half an hour ago.
You're right.
I should go to the lunch.
Thanks, Richard the Lionheart.
You're a ledge.
Emma, it's Prince William, time to make your way to the tills.
The thing about granite worktops is, they're wipe clean.
'Gold, why did it have to be gold?' Sir, we have kiln smoked Scottish salmon, Wye Valley asparagus, and Cornish scallops.
I did it.
I am a waitress.
To take this unique product, which isn't just an ordinary juicer with my face stuck on it What the Fergie! How dare you risk ruining today with your tawdry attempts - to line your own pockets.
- Well, it's all right for you.
You survived the cull.
You're still part of the new slimmed down royal family.
- Yeah, what about us? - Where's our free money? Free money? Is that what you think being a royal is about? - Partly.
- Get out, all of you.
You're fired! But what will we do? Where will we go? Apart from our four-bedroom grace-and-favour apartment? Maybe a holiday? Oh, Pippa.
What's up? Dad can't stand Meghan, so I'm gonna have to give up being a royal, like Edward V, one, one, one did.
Meghan says she can get me a job on Suits, which is great, cos I can speak a bit of American.
You'd leave me? I mean, leave Britain? I have to.
I can't perform my royal duties without the support of the - woman I love.
- You don't have any royal duties, apart from going to the rugby.
Exactly.
With her by my side, I can get pissed, cos she can drive.
Anyway.
Your dad really loves Meghan.
He told me.
Really? Thanks.
That was really kind of you.
'That was really kind of you.
'That was really kind of you.
' Everyone, just before we go in to lunch Mr President, as a mark of the mutual respect between our two countries, I would like to present you with this magnificent gold bowl.
Kate! I did it! The gypsy curse has been broken! I mean, I bet this will look lovely on your sideboard.
Have I missed mains? - You came! - Of course.
So you're not going to be a hands-on dad any more, then? No.
This is where I'm most use.
Yes, I can.
The toilets are down the hall, second on the left.
Mr President, for decades now, I've considered your country's energy policy a disgusting affront to Mother Nature.
Which is why I've come up with this, my envirobox.
It produces all the energy you need, no cost at all, and its pollution free.
It sucks in the weather here, and the electricity comes out here.
~ The president asks how it works.
Oh, it's for others to work out the detail.
The point is, it'll help your regime become that little bit less evil.
Were you just talking to the president about the environment? Yes, my envirobox.
I mean, obviously, at the moment it's just an empty ice cream tub, painted green, but when the backroom boys get hold of it, it's gonna be a game changer.
We seem to have a crossed wire here.
No-one gives a fuck what you think about anything.
You're here to caper about in your stupid little panto costume until he signs the trade deal tomorrow.
So I suggest you and your deluded, tragedy of a wife leave everything else to the grown-ups! What the Good bell work, Harry.
Don't force it.
You never wanted to be my friend.
You used me.
Of course.
If I didn't have a trade deal to sort, I wouldn't give you the steam off my piss.
~ His Excellency say .
.
"superb demonstration of strength and pageantry.
" The trade deal is on.
The trade deal is on! She will rue the day she crossed me.
And I have some very powerful allies.
Yes, you do.
Not you, you, idiot.
Donald J Trump.
Begin! I'm your father's identical twin brother.
Just this massive penis, please.
Show the future king your freckly bangers.
I will be taking heroin.
Let's cut the BS! Why are you shouting, Donald? Because I'm erratic!