The Windsors (2016) s02e03 Episode Script
Season 2, Episode 3
1 I'm brilliant at drinking, so I'll be in charge of the bar.
Do people pay for drinks? There's a law that reins us in called the Magna Carta.
I call it the fun stopper.
I'm Johnny Matthews, I run a hedge fund, live in Belgravia, and I'm worth £2 billion.
I'm a bland, goody-two-shoes head girl who bores the tits off everyone I meet.
I can't believe I finally got you to a family shoot.
- You're going to love it.
- Yeah, although, I think I've got food poisoning.
I might have had a dodgy prawn.
Royals don't have dodgy prawns.
That's what the tasters are for.
Well all right.
The truth is, I think shooting is wrong.
But before we got married, you said you hunted the whole time.
Yes, as a young Gypsy, I enjoyed nothing more than dragging hedgehogs.
But that was to eat.
We eat everything we shoot.
1,000 pheasant? I'm certainly going to have at least one.
What's so wrong with one family killing a 1,000 birds in a day - for no reason whatsoever? - You should know -- you're the co-founder of United for Wildlife.
Don't you think that's a bit inconsistent? I hope you're not suggesting that in my head, animals have some sort of minimum height requirement below which they're all right to shoot? Of course not.
And I will come on the shoot, but I'll just watch.
Look, Kate, I love you, but if you're going to fit into this family, you better kill something.
What's with the shepherd's crook? It's a symbol.
I'm shepherd to the people of Britain and you ever by my side, are my trusty dog.
You really need to see someone.
I'm not seeing another psychiatrist.
A stylist or someone who can drag you into the 1950s.
I'm more modern than you.
At least I can operate a toaster.
The main reason I married you is so I wouldn't have to operate a toaster.
You're late! I'm not running a hotel here.
I know, that would involve turning on the heating.
It's not my fault you haven't taken the precaution of sewing yourself into your winter underwear.
Hessian.
I bid you good morning.
I have .
.
things to attend to.
- Be the best you you can be.
- Stop talking, start doing.
With the fig are you on about? Sorry, can't stay.
We just got jobs.
We're motivational speakers.
Motivating people to do what -- top themselves? No, no, no, no, I think it's admirable.
I've always tried to inspire Britain's youth.
It was after hearing me that Tim Peake decided to become an astronaut.
- Really? - Well, I can't be sure, but why else would he have done it? We're addressing workers in management at South Wales' last remaining steel works.
Which is so great because we've always wanted Britain to have a wider manufacturing base.
I've always thought the Royal skill set waving from balconies, cutting ribbons and so forth perfectly qualifies us to give advice to everybody.
Especially heavy industry.
Exactly.
Kate! You're here for the shoot.
I thought it was against your principles.
I'm here to support my husband.
You're a bit touchy today.
Sounds like someone's in a tizz about the prospect of fucking up - mall animals.
- Shut up, Pippa.
Shut up! Harry, I've been looking for you.
I found this the other day.
You must have left it when we were Bonking each other's brains out.
In a relationship.
Queen Mother gave me this for my eighth birthday.
Harry, do you ever think about our time together? Sometimes.
It's always good to something in the spank bank.
Ah, Harry.
Got any more nightclubs that I can turn into office blocks? You cheated me out of that nightclub.
You knew I couldn't read when you gave me that contract.
I saw a weakness and I exploited it.
It wasn't just me you cheated, it was a whole community.
Because of you, there's now just eight members-only nightclubs in South Kensington.
They're just statistics to me.
Necessary stepping stones to get what I really want.
A shitload of money.
Right.
Let's take this outside.
Wait.
Strike him with this.
Thanks, Auntie Anne.
It's like that, is it? Name the time and place.
Round the back, after tea.
All right, but you do realise I was small ball pistol champ at Uppingham - four years in a row? - What's that got to do with anything? You just challenged him to a duel.
- What? - Pistols, live ammunition, death.
I've got to be honest, Anne, that sounds a bit dangerous.
Well, you can't back out now -- the family honour is at stake.
Yeah, but couldn't he just buy me a pint? Johnny, call it off -- this is madness.
I'm sorry Pippa, but you knew I was a psychopath when you agreed to marry me.
Do think I do all those Iron Man runs because I'm normal? Yeah, look, I hate to do this because I was really looking forward to being shot at by a marksman but I've got to go.
I've got a thing.
You're not going anywhere, Harry.
Oh, it opens that way? - Dad? - No, Wills, I'm your father's identical twin brother, imprisoned here at Sandringham for 68 years.
So you've been in here your whole life? How did you learn to speak English? From Radio Four.
Dogger, Fisher, German Bight.
Gosh, that's amazing.
The answer to your next question is I am the elder twin by two minutes.
And thus the rightful heir.
How did you know I was thinking that? Locked away alone, all my senses became highly acute.
Most of all my emotional sense I've evolved into what I believe is known as a super empath.
The exact opposite of my father.
Emotionally, Dad's a bit fucked up.
Sorry, you wouldn't have heard swear words on Radio Four.
You'd be surprised what they let go on the Today programme.
Anyway, he was the one who was meant to be locked up.
Even as a baby, he was considered a social embarrassment.
So there was a mistake, then? Yes, Princess Margaret was in charge that day and she'd been drinking rather heavily.
Sorry, I still can't believe that bloody door.
So all I had to do was pull? Yeah.
- Could you wait here? - You're going to see your father, aren't you? - Damn right.
- And the answer to your other question is, no, I've never had sex with a lady.
Sorry, that was rude.
Fuck.
As you know, we were hoping to have Richard Branson speak to us, but as it turns out, he's too expensive, but as a more-than-adequate replacement, we have Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie who are here to talk to us about Sorry, what's your speech about again, love? Making it happen in the internet age.
You know this is a steelworks, right? - Yes.
- Right.
Um So please welcome Beatrice and Eugenie.
Hello, Port Talbot! Make some noise! So where are you from? Port Talbot.
Amazing.
Here's our top ten tips for "insert nature of business here".
- Making steel.
- So you're in the coffee shop with your BFFs having a chai bubble tea and you're spitballing, "How can we use the internet to make steel?" Am I right? Well, mainly you need heat and iron ore.
The internet doesn't really come into it.
Yes, but with the internet, you could turn the machines on from your smartphones so you wouldn't need workers.
Also, you could use an app to outsource your admin, so you wouldn't need managers.
So, top tip number two.
He got out! He got out! He got out! Charles! Have you done something to your hair? Oh, yeah, it's a new shampoo.
You're Kate, aren't you? - Of course I am.
- I sense pain.
You're worried about killing all those small birds and also you've got a crush on Ryan Gosling from La La Land.
He was just so passionate about jazz.
It's all right, Kate.
I don't like killing birds either.
Unless one's flown down the chimney and I can have an extra snack.
- What? - Nothing.
We should cancel the shoot.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Do you know, I don't think we've had a hug.
I always saw you as rather cold.
Oh, quite the opposite.
I ought to be going.
Feeding time! Who want a biccie? Feeding time! Charles, what have you done to your hair? Oh, erm, it's this new shampoo.
What are you wearing? You've taken my advice, haven't you? Yes.
You're in the mood for sex, aren't you? I've got ten minutes before the pubs open -- why not? Look, there is something I should tell you, I - What? - Nothing! It's been great talking to you, Meghan, and if I never see you again, remember I'll always love you.
Harry, I've got a car outside.
We can sneak down the back staircase.
No, I'm staying.
Auntie Anne explained it all to me, how it's better to die with honour the live with shame.
You can't fight a duel for the honour of the House of Windsor, not when It's A Royal Knockout is still available on YouTube, and besides, you weren't worried about all that honour stuff when you were photographed in Vegas with your knackers out.
That was different -- that was a party.
This is just my life.
Well, you won't be able to go to any parties if you're dead.
Even if that were true, it still wouldn't change my mind.
- But that's insane.
Johnny will kill you.
- Don't be so sure.
I'm a pretty good shot myself.
See? Getting closer.
And that is how you can use Instagram to really boost your steel productivity.
OK, that's all from us.
Later, guys.
Wow.
What a rush! How are we going to come down from that? Yeah, it's like a drug.
As I say, Richard Branson was too expensive.
Dad! Daddy? Where are you? - Now is the winter of our discontent.
- Richard III.
You do realise if you reveal the existence of your father's twin, he will become king and that will destroy your father? I hadn't thought about that.
What should I do? Keep your uncle locked up in the tower.
- But that's illegal.
- It was illegal when I locked up the princes.
It wasn't the Middle Ages.
It WAS the Middle Ages.
Well, it's not when you're in it, is it? It's the present.
Thank you, Richard III.
You've made my mind up for me.
Oh, so you are going to lock your uncle up? No, I'm going to make him king.
Wills, there you are! I just ran into your dad, who said we should cancel the shoot, then he gave me the longest, warmest hug ever.
That wasn't Dad! That was his identical twin brother who the family have kept locked up for the last 68 years.
- Of course! - Come on! That was so urgent.
Almost as if you hadn't had sex for years.
Yes.
And you knew everything I wanted before I knew myself, and you weren't reading a gardening book.
That's right, Camilla.
I'm not your husband.
I thought an identical twin was merely a legend and there were just big squirrels in the loft.
I'm sorry, I should have told you, but when I saw how alluring you were, I [No tics, no waffle, no fancy dress.]
[But does he have the common touch?.]
Does this answer your question? My old man said follow the van - And don't dilly-dally on the way - Yes, and with my new-found popularity since offering one of my kidneys to a small girl, the two of us would be unstoppable.
.
.
me old cock linnet You were right! Betrayed by my own identical twin brother! You must have realised you were having sex with a different man.
It was odd at the end when you didn't shout, "Alternative medicine!" And you must have known -- everyone knows I'm married to Camilla.
We're Charmilla.
Come on.
Come on! Let's get you back to the attic.
- Who wants a biccy? - Have you been feeding him dog biscuits? - Well, that's what I eat.
- Yes, back in the attic with you.
No.
He's the rightful heir.
You little bastard.
Calm, darling.
We've all had a drink.
I've trained all my life to be King.
But he'd be so much better than you.
How can that be possible? Think of all the fetes I've opened.
Because who could be more sensitive to the peoples' needs than a super empath? Plus, you like shooting, but you believe in reincarnation.
What if you come back as a pheasant? Pheasant? The worst I'd get is leopard.
Camilla, where do you stand on all this? Well, I stand with you, of course.
Exactly.
And besides, if he was made king and people found out we kept him locked in an attic, they'd think we were all insane.
- Which we're not.
- Look, why don't we discuss this later, after the shoot? Right, back to the attic while we decide what to do with you.
No, Anne.
He should come with us and see nature for the first time -- and us killing it.
Just a moment.
There's something you don't know about Charles.
His health is failing.
It seems very unlikely he'll meet the predicted Windsor's life span of 150.
Oh, no.
How long's he got? Months.
Days.
So, when the sad moment finally comes, you could simply fill his boots.
The public need never know.
That was absolute shite.
- Ugh - How can they be motivational speakers when they've never done a day's work in their lives? Telling us how to manufacture steel.
Eh We're actually agreeing on something.
How about we put our differences behind us and concentrate on how to compete with the Chinese? Huh? Deal.
They think we're twats.
The only thing they can agree on is how terrible we are.
But that's great! We've got them working together.
Fucking hell, Bea.
We've single-handedly saved the British steel industry.
You're right! We're not absolute shite.
Looking forward to the shoot? - How did you hear about it? - That's why we're all here.
Oh, the shoot.
Yah, I've got to sort something out first -- but there's a 50-50 chance I'll see you later.
- Foof de fafta? - Well probably a bit worse.
Hang on.
Dad? OK.
Which one of you's the robot? You're Harry, aren't you? I'm your father's identical twin brother.
Ah, but isn't that exactly what a robot would say? No.
A robot would say, "What is this emotion called love?" But that's what Dad says all the time.
Oh, my God! Dad, are you the robot? Neither of us are bloody robots! You're worried about some sort of fight, aren't you, Harry? But you're also thinking about ice cream.
And a Katy Perry video.
Harry! Haven't we got some business to be attending to? Oh, yeah.
Well Bye, Dad.
Bye, identical twin robot dad.
Right! Let's get you out of this at once.
- Thank you, Anne.
- And into some handcuffs.
And don't you get any ideas about escaping.
Right.
I'm off to kill an inordinate amount of helpless birds.
Charles, you know, whether I end up as king or you do, I'm glad we've had this time together.
Well, I'm not.
It's been an enormous worry.
Luckily, I heard Bear Grylls on Start The Week.
Still can't believe that bloody door.
You can't do it, Johnny.
You'll be taking a man's life.
Er, hello! Psychopath! Harry, will you see sense? Well, that's the stupidest question I've ever heard! Choose your weapons! Well, I'll take these two, if that's all right.
- No, you cretin.
Give one to him.
- Oh.
You will stand back-to-back and, on my word, walk ten paces.
Then turn and fire.
Got it.
No! as the one that's been challenged, Johnny gets the first shot.
What? While I just stand there? Yes.
And I never miss.
- But he'll be killed! - Be quiet! Yah, but she does make a good point.
Assume positions.
Anne, please! Begin! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
No, Johnny! Agh! Harry! Well, you two seem to be getting on well, considering the row earlier.
Oh Nothing gets in the way of shooting.
There's one! That's what this is all about, isn't it? - What? - Shooting.
It's the one thing you still share with him, isn't it? Like football is for working-class fathers and sons.
Or sleeping with Russell Brand is for mothers and daughters from Essex.
No, Kate! You're right.
Nothing should die just so I have something to talk to my daddy about.
That's all I needed to hear.
Yes, pheasant.
The gun just went off, William.
I don't know how.
I'll never forgive myself.
I'll never forgive myself.
Harry! It's all right, Bubs.
- The hip flask.
- Harry! The duel must continue.
Harry, it's your shot.
- What? - But that's enough, surely! Honour must be satisfied.
Right No.
Harry, please.
I'm sorry I cheated you.
You see? He admits it.
Kill him.
Please! Harry Oh, cock.
Thanks, Harry.
See you around.
Come on, you.
Get up.
I'm sending you the cleaning bill for these trousers.
What's the matter with me? I can't do it.
He may be a useless, dithering lump Die, pheasants.
Die.
.
.
but he's my useless dithering lump.
What was that, dear? Agh I've been shot.
Be a good king.
Don't be silly, you'll be fine.
I want you to know, even though you kept me locked in an attic for 68 years, I wouldn't have had things any other way.
Yes, it's been fun, hasn't it? I'm going.
I can't feel my legs Those are my legs.
.
.
and I need to tell you .
.
I love you.
And best wishes to you in all your endeavours.
- What happened? - He's dead.
No! But we'd only just to know him.
It's not just a tragedy for us.
It's a tragedy for Great Britain and Northern Ireland.
No, Wills.
We can learn from him.
Bring his sensitivity and wisdom to our reigns, so that he can live on through us -- through me, and then through you .
.
but me first! Together we could've been the British Ferdinand and Imelda Marcos.
Don't worry, Camilla.
- Something will come along soon to put a smile back on that face.
- Yes.
Yes.
Like a new Magna Carta.
Do people pay for drinks? There's a law that reins us in called the Magna Carta.
I call it the fun stopper.
I'm Johnny Matthews, I run a hedge fund, live in Belgravia, and I'm worth £2 billion.
I'm a bland, goody-two-shoes head girl who bores the tits off everyone I meet.
I can't believe I finally got you to a family shoot.
- You're going to love it.
- Yeah, although, I think I've got food poisoning.
I might have had a dodgy prawn.
Royals don't have dodgy prawns.
That's what the tasters are for.
Well all right.
The truth is, I think shooting is wrong.
But before we got married, you said you hunted the whole time.
Yes, as a young Gypsy, I enjoyed nothing more than dragging hedgehogs.
But that was to eat.
We eat everything we shoot.
1,000 pheasant? I'm certainly going to have at least one.
What's so wrong with one family killing a 1,000 birds in a day - for no reason whatsoever? - You should know -- you're the co-founder of United for Wildlife.
Don't you think that's a bit inconsistent? I hope you're not suggesting that in my head, animals have some sort of minimum height requirement below which they're all right to shoot? Of course not.
And I will come on the shoot, but I'll just watch.
Look, Kate, I love you, but if you're going to fit into this family, you better kill something.
What's with the shepherd's crook? It's a symbol.
I'm shepherd to the people of Britain and you ever by my side, are my trusty dog.
You really need to see someone.
I'm not seeing another psychiatrist.
A stylist or someone who can drag you into the 1950s.
I'm more modern than you.
At least I can operate a toaster.
The main reason I married you is so I wouldn't have to operate a toaster.
You're late! I'm not running a hotel here.
I know, that would involve turning on the heating.
It's not my fault you haven't taken the precaution of sewing yourself into your winter underwear.
Hessian.
I bid you good morning.
I have .
.
things to attend to.
- Be the best you you can be.
- Stop talking, start doing.
With the fig are you on about? Sorry, can't stay.
We just got jobs.
We're motivational speakers.
Motivating people to do what -- top themselves? No, no, no, no, I think it's admirable.
I've always tried to inspire Britain's youth.
It was after hearing me that Tim Peake decided to become an astronaut.
- Really? - Well, I can't be sure, but why else would he have done it? We're addressing workers in management at South Wales' last remaining steel works.
Which is so great because we've always wanted Britain to have a wider manufacturing base.
I've always thought the Royal skill set waving from balconies, cutting ribbons and so forth perfectly qualifies us to give advice to everybody.
Especially heavy industry.
Exactly.
Kate! You're here for the shoot.
I thought it was against your principles.
I'm here to support my husband.
You're a bit touchy today.
Sounds like someone's in a tizz about the prospect of fucking up - mall animals.
- Shut up, Pippa.
Shut up! Harry, I've been looking for you.
I found this the other day.
You must have left it when we were Bonking each other's brains out.
In a relationship.
Queen Mother gave me this for my eighth birthday.
Harry, do you ever think about our time together? Sometimes.
It's always good to something in the spank bank.
Ah, Harry.
Got any more nightclubs that I can turn into office blocks? You cheated me out of that nightclub.
You knew I couldn't read when you gave me that contract.
I saw a weakness and I exploited it.
It wasn't just me you cheated, it was a whole community.
Because of you, there's now just eight members-only nightclubs in South Kensington.
They're just statistics to me.
Necessary stepping stones to get what I really want.
A shitload of money.
Right.
Let's take this outside.
Wait.
Strike him with this.
Thanks, Auntie Anne.
It's like that, is it? Name the time and place.
Round the back, after tea.
All right, but you do realise I was small ball pistol champ at Uppingham - four years in a row? - What's that got to do with anything? You just challenged him to a duel.
- What? - Pistols, live ammunition, death.
I've got to be honest, Anne, that sounds a bit dangerous.
Well, you can't back out now -- the family honour is at stake.
Yeah, but couldn't he just buy me a pint? Johnny, call it off -- this is madness.
I'm sorry Pippa, but you knew I was a psychopath when you agreed to marry me.
Do think I do all those Iron Man runs because I'm normal? Yeah, look, I hate to do this because I was really looking forward to being shot at by a marksman but I've got to go.
I've got a thing.
You're not going anywhere, Harry.
Oh, it opens that way? - Dad? - No, Wills, I'm your father's identical twin brother, imprisoned here at Sandringham for 68 years.
So you've been in here your whole life? How did you learn to speak English? From Radio Four.
Dogger, Fisher, German Bight.
Gosh, that's amazing.
The answer to your next question is I am the elder twin by two minutes.
And thus the rightful heir.
How did you know I was thinking that? Locked away alone, all my senses became highly acute.
Most of all my emotional sense I've evolved into what I believe is known as a super empath.
The exact opposite of my father.
Emotionally, Dad's a bit fucked up.
Sorry, you wouldn't have heard swear words on Radio Four.
You'd be surprised what they let go on the Today programme.
Anyway, he was the one who was meant to be locked up.
Even as a baby, he was considered a social embarrassment.
So there was a mistake, then? Yes, Princess Margaret was in charge that day and she'd been drinking rather heavily.
Sorry, I still can't believe that bloody door.
So all I had to do was pull? Yeah.
- Could you wait here? - You're going to see your father, aren't you? - Damn right.
- And the answer to your other question is, no, I've never had sex with a lady.
Sorry, that was rude.
Fuck.
As you know, we were hoping to have Richard Branson speak to us, but as it turns out, he's too expensive, but as a more-than-adequate replacement, we have Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie who are here to talk to us about Sorry, what's your speech about again, love? Making it happen in the internet age.
You know this is a steelworks, right? - Yes.
- Right.
Um So please welcome Beatrice and Eugenie.
Hello, Port Talbot! Make some noise! So where are you from? Port Talbot.
Amazing.
Here's our top ten tips for "insert nature of business here".
- Making steel.
- So you're in the coffee shop with your BFFs having a chai bubble tea and you're spitballing, "How can we use the internet to make steel?" Am I right? Well, mainly you need heat and iron ore.
The internet doesn't really come into it.
Yes, but with the internet, you could turn the machines on from your smartphones so you wouldn't need workers.
Also, you could use an app to outsource your admin, so you wouldn't need managers.
So, top tip number two.
He got out! He got out! He got out! Charles! Have you done something to your hair? Oh, yeah, it's a new shampoo.
You're Kate, aren't you? - Of course I am.
- I sense pain.
You're worried about killing all those small birds and also you've got a crush on Ryan Gosling from La La Land.
He was just so passionate about jazz.
It's all right, Kate.
I don't like killing birds either.
Unless one's flown down the chimney and I can have an extra snack.
- What? - Nothing.
We should cancel the shoot.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Do you know, I don't think we've had a hug.
I always saw you as rather cold.
Oh, quite the opposite.
I ought to be going.
Feeding time! Who want a biccie? Feeding time! Charles, what have you done to your hair? Oh, erm, it's this new shampoo.
What are you wearing? You've taken my advice, haven't you? Yes.
You're in the mood for sex, aren't you? I've got ten minutes before the pubs open -- why not? Look, there is something I should tell you, I - What? - Nothing! It's been great talking to you, Meghan, and if I never see you again, remember I'll always love you.
Harry, I've got a car outside.
We can sneak down the back staircase.
No, I'm staying.
Auntie Anne explained it all to me, how it's better to die with honour the live with shame.
You can't fight a duel for the honour of the House of Windsor, not when It's A Royal Knockout is still available on YouTube, and besides, you weren't worried about all that honour stuff when you were photographed in Vegas with your knackers out.
That was different -- that was a party.
This is just my life.
Well, you won't be able to go to any parties if you're dead.
Even if that were true, it still wouldn't change my mind.
- But that's insane.
Johnny will kill you.
- Don't be so sure.
I'm a pretty good shot myself.
See? Getting closer.
And that is how you can use Instagram to really boost your steel productivity.
OK, that's all from us.
Later, guys.
Wow.
What a rush! How are we going to come down from that? Yeah, it's like a drug.
As I say, Richard Branson was too expensive.
Dad! Daddy? Where are you? - Now is the winter of our discontent.
- Richard III.
You do realise if you reveal the existence of your father's twin, he will become king and that will destroy your father? I hadn't thought about that.
What should I do? Keep your uncle locked up in the tower.
- But that's illegal.
- It was illegal when I locked up the princes.
It wasn't the Middle Ages.
It WAS the Middle Ages.
Well, it's not when you're in it, is it? It's the present.
Thank you, Richard III.
You've made my mind up for me.
Oh, so you are going to lock your uncle up? No, I'm going to make him king.
Wills, there you are! I just ran into your dad, who said we should cancel the shoot, then he gave me the longest, warmest hug ever.
That wasn't Dad! That was his identical twin brother who the family have kept locked up for the last 68 years.
- Of course! - Come on! That was so urgent.
Almost as if you hadn't had sex for years.
Yes.
And you knew everything I wanted before I knew myself, and you weren't reading a gardening book.
That's right, Camilla.
I'm not your husband.
I thought an identical twin was merely a legend and there were just big squirrels in the loft.
I'm sorry, I should have told you, but when I saw how alluring you were, I [No tics, no waffle, no fancy dress.]
[But does he have the common touch?.]
Does this answer your question? My old man said follow the van - And don't dilly-dally on the way - Yes, and with my new-found popularity since offering one of my kidneys to a small girl, the two of us would be unstoppable.
.
.
me old cock linnet You were right! Betrayed by my own identical twin brother! You must have realised you were having sex with a different man.
It was odd at the end when you didn't shout, "Alternative medicine!" And you must have known -- everyone knows I'm married to Camilla.
We're Charmilla.
Come on.
Come on! Let's get you back to the attic.
- Who wants a biccy? - Have you been feeding him dog biscuits? - Well, that's what I eat.
- Yes, back in the attic with you.
No.
He's the rightful heir.
You little bastard.
Calm, darling.
We've all had a drink.
I've trained all my life to be King.
But he'd be so much better than you.
How can that be possible? Think of all the fetes I've opened.
Because who could be more sensitive to the peoples' needs than a super empath? Plus, you like shooting, but you believe in reincarnation.
What if you come back as a pheasant? Pheasant? The worst I'd get is leopard.
Camilla, where do you stand on all this? Well, I stand with you, of course.
Exactly.
And besides, if he was made king and people found out we kept him locked in an attic, they'd think we were all insane.
- Which we're not.
- Look, why don't we discuss this later, after the shoot? Right, back to the attic while we decide what to do with you.
No, Anne.
He should come with us and see nature for the first time -- and us killing it.
Just a moment.
There's something you don't know about Charles.
His health is failing.
It seems very unlikely he'll meet the predicted Windsor's life span of 150.
Oh, no.
How long's he got? Months.
Days.
So, when the sad moment finally comes, you could simply fill his boots.
The public need never know.
That was absolute shite.
- Ugh - How can they be motivational speakers when they've never done a day's work in their lives? Telling us how to manufacture steel.
Eh We're actually agreeing on something.
How about we put our differences behind us and concentrate on how to compete with the Chinese? Huh? Deal.
They think we're twats.
The only thing they can agree on is how terrible we are.
But that's great! We've got them working together.
Fucking hell, Bea.
We've single-handedly saved the British steel industry.
You're right! We're not absolute shite.
Looking forward to the shoot? - How did you hear about it? - That's why we're all here.
Oh, the shoot.
Yah, I've got to sort something out first -- but there's a 50-50 chance I'll see you later.
- Foof de fafta? - Well probably a bit worse.
Hang on.
Dad? OK.
Which one of you's the robot? You're Harry, aren't you? I'm your father's identical twin brother.
Ah, but isn't that exactly what a robot would say? No.
A robot would say, "What is this emotion called love?" But that's what Dad says all the time.
Oh, my God! Dad, are you the robot? Neither of us are bloody robots! You're worried about some sort of fight, aren't you, Harry? But you're also thinking about ice cream.
And a Katy Perry video.
Harry! Haven't we got some business to be attending to? Oh, yeah.
Well Bye, Dad.
Bye, identical twin robot dad.
Right! Let's get you out of this at once.
- Thank you, Anne.
- And into some handcuffs.
And don't you get any ideas about escaping.
Right.
I'm off to kill an inordinate amount of helpless birds.
Charles, you know, whether I end up as king or you do, I'm glad we've had this time together.
Well, I'm not.
It's been an enormous worry.
Luckily, I heard Bear Grylls on Start The Week.
Still can't believe that bloody door.
You can't do it, Johnny.
You'll be taking a man's life.
Er, hello! Psychopath! Harry, will you see sense? Well, that's the stupidest question I've ever heard! Choose your weapons! Well, I'll take these two, if that's all right.
- No, you cretin.
Give one to him.
- Oh.
You will stand back-to-back and, on my word, walk ten paces.
Then turn and fire.
Got it.
No! as the one that's been challenged, Johnny gets the first shot.
What? While I just stand there? Yes.
And I never miss.
- But he'll be killed! - Be quiet! Yah, but she does make a good point.
Assume positions.
Anne, please! Begin! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
No, Johnny! Agh! Harry! Well, you two seem to be getting on well, considering the row earlier.
Oh Nothing gets in the way of shooting.
There's one! That's what this is all about, isn't it? - What? - Shooting.
It's the one thing you still share with him, isn't it? Like football is for working-class fathers and sons.
Or sleeping with Russell Brand is for mothers and daughters from Essex.
No, Kate! You're right.
Nothing should die just so I have something to talk to my daddy about.
That's all I needed to hear.
Yes, pheasant.
The gun just went off, William.
I don't know how.
I'll never forgive myself.
I'll never forgive myself.
Harry! It's all right, Bubs.
- The hip flask.
- Harry! The duel must continue.
Harry, it's your shot.
- What? - But that's enough, surely! Honour must be satisfied.
Right No.
Harry, please.
I'm sorry I cheated you.
You see? He admits it.
Kill him.
Please! Harry Oh, cock.
Thanks, Harry.
See you around.
Come on, you.
Get up.
I'm sending you the cleaning bill for these trousers.
What's the matter with me? I can't do it.
He may be a useless, dithering lump Die, pheasants.
Die.
.
.
but he's my useless dithering lump.
What was that, dear? Agh I've been shot.
Be a good king.
Don't be silly, you'll be fine.
I want you to know, even though you kept me locked in an attic for 68 years, I wouldn't have had things any other way.
Yes, it's been fun, hasn't it? I'm going.
I can't feel my legs Those are my legs.
.
.
and I need to tell you .
.
I love you.
And best wishes to you in all your endeavours.
- What happened? - He's dead.
No! But we'd only just to know him.
It's not just a tragedy for us.
It's a tragedy for Great Britain and Northern Ireland.
No, Wills.
We can learn from him.
Bring his sensitivity and wisdom to our reigns, so that he can live on through us -- through me, and then through you .
.
but me first! Together we could've been the British Ferdinand and Imelda Marcos.
Don't worry, Camilla.
- Something will come along soon to put a smile back on that face.
- Yes.
Yes.
Like a new Magna Carta.