The Worst Week of My Life (2004) s01e07 Episode Script

Sunday

You do want to be with me! Cassie Turner's been stalking me all week.
It's bad luck to see each other before the ceremony.
Cos we've had great luck so far this week.
I've had these feelings for years.
Do you know what it's like to live a lie? I think I will make a sandwich.
You groped my wife.
You killed our dog.
And now you've hospitalised my mother.
- The wedding's off.
- The bride is driving off in my van.
Drive around, see if we can spot her.
- Dick's locked himself in his study.
- It's chaos.
Nobody knows where to sit or park.
- Granny, you're alive! - No thanks to your sodding fiancé.
- At least Mel's on her way.
- I think we should take up positions.
(Screams) - (Loud discussion) - (Howard) She's been taken! - My daughter's gone! - Listen.
Listen, somebody has seen her.
She's been missing for hours.
What are you going to do? Yes! Can we all just sit and calm down?! (Sighs) Right.
Thank you.
Mr Steel, could you explain what happened? Yes, well, my fiancée was late for my wedding and then eventually she arrived.
Only it wasn't her.
- I'm having his baby! - No, she's not! - We made love in his Volvo! - Once! And it was two years ago.
Oh, Mel! Oh, thank God you're here! - (Sighs) Oh.
- Howard! - I thought you got cold feet! - What the hell is going on? - Bloody Cassie just tried to marry me.
- What? - Walked down the aisle, bold as brass.
- Where is she? Look, I mean, she's gone now.
Can't we just do this? Oh, for God's sake! Look.
If you won't sort her out, I will! - Mel, wait! Look, no! - Is there going to be a wedding or not? Yes! (Congregation murmuring) Mel! Mel! - Mel! - Mel! - (Shrieking) Mel! - Mel! (Screeching) Mel! Ladies and gentlemen, sorry to have kept you.
There's another teeny delay.
Because we seem to have "lost" the bride.
- Again.
- (Murmuring) Look.
I can't wait any longer.
I've got two other weddings this afternoon.
- Right.
I think I've got all the details now.
- Look, Cassie's got her, I'm sure of it.
I'll go back to the station, put this into the computer and, um, we wait.
- Wait? - Er, yes.
Wait for what? 24 hours, until she becomes a missing person officially.
So, for the next 12 hours, you're going to do nothing.
- Well, yes.
- Cassie's taken her! (Sighs) This is the other woman in the wedding dress? The one Howard banged at the office Christmas party.
- Once! Two years ago! - Can you describe Cassie? Er, yes.
Um dark-haired.
Er slim.
Quite, er - Plain.
Not much to look at, really.
- Good arse, though.
- Oi! - Yeah.
Good arse.
Dom.
And, er, you think she's kidnapped your fiancée, do you? Yes.
Well, kidnapping's much rarer than you think.
Um.
She could have gone to Alec Banneman's.
- Why would she go to Alec's? - She called Alec on her hen night.
- What? - Who's Alec Banneman? - The boyfriend before Howard.
- I liked Alec.
Yeah, they had this chat, like a really long chat.
- She hasn't gone there.
Cassie has her.
- Really nice chap, Alec.
- I don't think she ever got over him.
- Melissa and Alec Banneman.
Does anyone have Alec Banneman's phone number? Yep, I'll get it.
- Would you like a mini Kiev? - Oh.
What are they? They're balls of chicken and cheese in breadcrumbs.
Oh.
Thank you.
- Very nice.
- Yes.
They are, aren't they? Look, can we please get back to my missing fiancée? (Sighs) Don't worry.
I'm sure she'll turn up.
Most people reported missing do.
It's just as well, isn't it? Because you lot don't seem prepared to do anything.
Mr Steel, we do have a highly trained missing persons bureau.
In fact, we've only had one failure in the last three years and even then it's a bit unfair to hold it against us - we did find the body.
It was the, er, head we never located.
(Sighs) Your cousins from Toronto have checked out of the hotel.
(Sighs) It wasn't supposed to be like this.
- (Door slams) - People billeted all over the county.
- 150 turbots rotting in the kitchen.
- (Footsteps) I can't do nothing.
I'm going to look for her.
Can I borrow your car, please, Dick? - My car? - Yeah.
- You're not covered by the insurance.
- I will be on mine.
You won't be used to it.
The clutch slips a bit.
- I'm sure it'll be fine.
- I'm very low on petrol.
- Oh, come on.
Give me the keys.
- Oh, give up.
It's over.
- What? - She's not coming back.
- What do you mean? - The poor girl's come to her senses.
She's realised she can do better than you.
What you don't seem to realise, Dick, is that Mel loves me.
Oh, does she? (Chuckles) I don't see her here, do you? Oh, for God's sake, Dick! Give him the bloody keys! Why do you always have to see the worst in everybody? - Satisfied? - (Sighs) (Sighs) I'm not going to lie to you.
- Dom! - What? I can't find Mel's keys.
I need to borrow your car.
- It's not very convenient.
- I'm in a hurry.
Sorry! - Oh, God, don't stop! Oh, oh! - Sorry, I really need the keys! - Oh, oh! - Where are the keys? - What? - The car keys.
They're not in your jacket.
- Trousers.
Try my trousers.
- Oh! Just there, just there, darling.
- They're not in your trousers.
- Try the table.
- Table? - There, there! - Where? - There! - Sorry.
- Oh! - Right.
Got 'em.
Thanks.
Carry on.
- Oh! Oh! - Howard! - Hm? - Just wanted to say sorry about earlier.
- Hm? All that nancy boy talk.
- Oh, Fraser, look, it's fine.
Don't worry.
- I went for a run this morning.
Just taken a cold shower.
Anything to get rid of those damn feelings.
I'm sure they'll pass.
Er l'd better get looking for Mel.
Used to get these feelings in the jungle, you know.
If it got too much, you'd just bore a hole with your bayonet in a papaya and then slip it one.
- Ever made love to a papaya? - I can't say I have.
No, well, pretty thin on the ground over here.
A little tip for you.
Melons, next best thing.
- Great.
Well, I - Cantaloupe are best.
- I'll bear it in mind.
- Smaller pips.
(Mobile) - Hello? - Hello, Howard.
- Cassie? Have you got Mel? - Ye-es.
I knew it! Howard, you're just not giving us a chance.
Now, listen.
If you lay a finger on Mel, I'll kill you.
Do you hear that? - I'll bloody kill you.
- What was that? You're breaking up.
I said if you lay a finger on Mel, I'll bloody kill you! You have to speak up, the reception's terrible here.
I said, if you lay a finger on her, I'll bloody kill you! Something about a finger? - Just don't hurt her.
- Oh! Well, I won't! As long as you do exactly as I say.
- Where's Mel? - She's in the boot of my car.
What? What the hell's going on? Howard, you remember that lay-by we made love in after the Christmas party? - In your Volvo.
- What? Outside the quarry by Buckleberry Hill? - Well, Mel and I are in that quarry now.
- Look, Cassie, it's been a very long week.
Mel's going to be a witness at our wedding.
All you need to do is bring the vicar.
No, Cassie, I'm going to bring the police.
Ho-ward.
If you do that, Mel goes into the quarry.
Oh, and if you tell anyone, or you don't bring the vicar, Mel goes into the quarry.
And if you don't come in the next hour, Mel goes into the quarry.
Are you getting the pattern here? Oh.
(Sighs) Used to be such a quiet house.
Before he came.
You know, you sit there every week judging people, deciding whether they're right or wrong.
And yet you are the worst judge of people I know.
Oh, I don't think that's fair.
Dick, you can't even recognise love when it's staring you in the face.
- Love? - Yeah.
Look into Howard's eyes and you'll see it.
I'm not looking into his eyes.
Yeah.
Well, I did.
Just now.
And do you know what I saw? I saw his total love for Mel.
And suddenly it all made sense.
She's very lucky to have him.
You're tired.
You've been under a lot of stress.
- I want you to have these back.
- What are they? Cheques.
My Christmas and birthday presents for the last six years.
- Have you not cashed them? - No.
Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday.
Oh, and there's a couple of anniversary ones too.
I give you a cheque so you can choose something yourself.
Something nice.
No, Dick.
You give me a cheque because you don't know what I want.
You don't know what I want because you don't know me any more.
- Rubbish.
You're my wife.
- Yes.
Mrs Dick Cook.
The judge's wife.
- The chairman of the Rotary club's wife.
- And a mother.
And a housewife.
Whatever happened to Angela Edmonds? The art school girl who wanted to study watercolours in Venice, paint gondolas and ended up married to this stuffy old barrister! We've been through this.
That course is six months long.
It clashes with the Bar summer ball, the Rotary fête.
You're needed here.
- It's a daft idea.
- Yes.
But it's my idea.
(Door slams) - I hate this job.
- Right, look for signs to Buckleberry Hill.
You're on call 24-7.
All it takes is for some idiot to drop dead and there goes your night's telly.
I missed the last four frames of the snooker last week.
- It's down here somewhere.
- And you could never say no.
They report you to the bishop if you say no.
And he hates my guts.
I'm already on a warning.
Look, do you think you could help me? Help? (Scoffs) Yeah, everybody wants help these days.
What about the spirit of the Good Samaritan who crosses the road to help someone in need? He wasn't dragged from his bed at two in the morning.
- I'm really sorry to do this, Mel.
- Oh, don't apologise.
Howard just doesn't seem to be able to see that he and I are destined to be together.
Yes, well, he can be a bit slow sometimes.
I really don't enjoy doing this.
No.
No, it can't be much fun.
He could make things a lot easier if he just cancelled the wedding.
Look, why don't you just have him? - What? - Take him.
He's all yours.
I've gone off him.
Just let me out of the boot here and just have him.
- As simple as that? - As simple as that.
Uh I'm not falling for that.
You think I'm stupid! No! No.
Not stupid.
He really does love me.
He's always buying me things.
Last Christmas, he got me a leather desk diary and when he went to Stuttgart he brought me back a gonk.
Did he buy you a gonk? - Did he buy you a gonk? - No! No! No gonk! Excuse me.
Er, is your wife about? - I've got this Scottie dog for her.
- (Whining) - From Howard.
- Oh.
Er, do you think there's going to be a wedding tomorrow? Only the hotel want to know if I need to stay for another night.
- Oh, who cares? - Oh, I do.
I don't want to pay for another night.
I'm sorry.
I don't know.
- Oh, dear.
- (Whining) They say weddings are stressful.
When my mother was stressed, she used to sing herself a little song.
When I was just a little girl I asked my mother, "What will I be? "Will I be pretty, will I be rich?" Here's what she said to me "Que sera, sera "Whatever will be, will be "The future's not ours to see "Que sera, sera"? - Come on, it's your turn.
- Yeah, OK, OK.
I spy with my little eye something beginning with B.
- Boot.
- Yeah.
- There she is.
- Oh, God.
- Hi, Howard.
- Mel, are you OK? - I've been better.
- Right, now let her out! Hang on a sec.
You'll see.
I'm holding the handbrake.
If I release it, the car is going down there.
Give me the keys.
I'm letting her out.
Oh, shit.
Look! Cassie! You're a lovely girl, but I really think you've got problems.
I've looked you up on the Internet and you're quite possibly "bipolar"! - What? - It's an illness.
Very bad mood swings.
- Shut up! - You should be on a gluten-free diet.
Now, there's a freephone number you can c (Siren) - What's that? - It's nothing to do with me! If you've called the police, I'll bloody do it, Howard! I haven't! I haven't.
(Siren fades) Right.
Now.
- The vicar is going to marry you and me.
- No, he's not.
- You know what I'll do if he doesn't! - Oh, shit.
- I'm not marrying you! - Oh, no? Howard, I don't want to go into the quarry.
Don't worry, honey, she's bluffing! - I don't want to take that chance! - I'm not marrying her, Mel, I love you! - Howard, for Christ's sake, just do it! - What? Yes, just marry her, for God's sake! - We're gathered here today - No sudden movements, Howard.
- Now, get on with it.
- Er - We're gathered here tod - Yeah, yeah.
Just get to the vows.
Um, do you I'm sorry, what's your name? Cassie.
Do you, Cassie, take Howard to be your lawful wedded husband? I do.
Do you, Howard, take I'm sorry, what was your name? Cassie! Do you, Howard, take Cassie to be your lawful wedded wife? Howard! I I I 'd rather die.
I'm sorry.
- Ohhh - Aaah (Wailing) Howard! - (Screams) - (Brakes screech) (Rubble falling) - (Knocking on door) - (Creaking) Angela? - That's our wedding photo.
- Yes.
I want to use the frame for something else.
Right.
Yes.
Look, um Obviously it would be impossible to undo the last 30-odd years.
I'm sorry if I I never realised you felt Er I'd like to take you to Venice.
So you can paint the gondolas.
- I told you she'd be all right.
- She was dangling over a cliff! They always turn up.
- Ha.
- Mel! Oh, Mel.
- What? Ah! - You could've killed us! - But she wouldn't do it! - You bloody idiot! - (Sighs) - Are you all right, honey? (Breathing deeply) Look, can we just get married now? - Before anything else happens.
- What? I just want to do it, now, get it over, get on with the rest of our lives.
- Now? - Right now.
But where? - (Horns) - Howard.
Will thou Do you have a ring, at all? - No.
- No.
- Let's not bother about a ring.
- No, no, Mel.
If we're going to do this, we should do it properly.
- Er - Howard, um Your family have been very keen on us having the right ring.
- Perfect.
- Right.
Howard.
Wilt thou have this woman to thy wedded wife to live together after God's ordinance in the holy estate of matrimony, wilt thou love, comfort, honour and keep her, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, keep thee only unto her, so long as you both shall live? I will.
Melissa.
Wilt thou have this man to thy wedded husband, to live together after God's ordinance in the holy estate of matrimony, wilt thou love, comfort, honour and keep him, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, keep thee only unto him, so long as you both shall live? I will.
I now pronounce you man and wife.
Cheese! (Howard) Anyway.
We decided to go ahead with the reception.
Oh, hello! Hello! Seating plan's over there.
Enjoy your meal.
Smoked chicken, turbot and meringues.
(Sniffs) Hello.
Hello.
Seating plan's over there.
Sorry about the chairs.
They delivered executive conference and not banquet dining.
(Sniffs) Hello.
(Cheering) (Whistling) (Tapping on glass) Sometimes um Well, sometimes it takes a wedding for us to be reminded of what love means.
And watching Howard and Mel this week and seeing how much in love they are made me realise how I felt on my wedding day and how important it is to keep building on the Iove that Angela and I have for each other.
As some of you may know, I wasn't Howard's first choice as best man.
I had to step in at the last minute.
But it's been a privilege to be a part of his wedding, watching an old friend marry someone as delightful as Mel.
Howard once said that the ideal wife was an angel in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom.
And that's exactly what Mel is.
- On behalf of my wife and I - (Applause and whistling) I'd like to thank you all for coming back.
(Laughter) It's been the worst week of my life.
But also the best.
I'd like to thank my dad for being a great dad, though I'm still coming to terms with the idea of having a step-mum who's two years younger than me.
You step out o' line and I'll give you a right spanking! Finally, I'd like to thank Dick and Angela for being sensational hosts.
And Angela, a little present.
(Guests) Aaah.
- Oh! Aah! - (Barking) Thank you.
I won't get a look-in, will I? (Cheering and whistling) - Bye! - Bye! (Cheering) Mum.
Dad.
Guess what.
Dom and I are getting married!