The Young Ones (1982) s01e01 Episode Script
Demolition
Once in every lifetime Comes a love like this Oh, I need you, you need me Oh, my darling can't you see The Young Ones Darling, we're The Young Ones We're The Young Ones SHRILL WHISTLE Shouldn't be afraid To live, love This is up to us to decide Because we may not be The Young Ones Because we may not be The Young Ones very long.
CANNED LAUGHTER MUSIC ENDS That's a great new version of The Young Ones.
That was brilliant! Shame about Cliff Richard.
What about him? What?! What about Cliff Richard? Are you trying to be funny? LAUGHTER Um, ah Because if you are, I think it's in pretty poor taste, that's all.
I'm not a fridge, you know! LAUGHTER Weird, eh? I'd better get back to the lentil casserole before I get disorientated.
LAUGHTER GALES OF LAUGHTER It'll soon be over for you lentils.
(SNEEZES) LAUGHTER Oh, wow! This is really, amazingly hot.
I'd better get it to the table quickly.
LAUGHTER Oh, no room at all, eh? Heavy! LAUGHTER I'll never get it back to the cooker in time now.
I'm just going to have to Ow! RIOTOUS LAUGHTER Oh, no! ALL GROAN Bad karma.
Again! Guys? There's some dinner on the floor if you want it.
But if you don't, like, that would also be cool because I only spent all day cooking it, right? And I was the one who got it together to put the lentils on to soak last night, but maybe we should just get a cat, right, and give it to the cat 'cause it's obvious none of you can be both Guys? LAUGHTER Maybe it would be cool if I just died, right? LAUGHTER Well? Well, what, Rick? Have you decided to apologise for what you said about Cliff Richard? I didn't say anything about Cliff Richard, Rick.
I wasn't even Look, I don't want to discuss it, OK? I wouldn't even discuss the colour of orange juice with you, Neil.
LAUGHTER But I've written a poem and I think perhaps it might help you.
It's orange, Rick.
And, look, I don't want to depress you or anything but, like, you're standing in a huge mound of lentil casserole.
LAUGHTER Oh, Cliff! Sometimes it must be difficult not to feel as if.
You really are a cliff.
When fascists keep trying to push you over it.
Are they the lemmings or are you, Cliff? Or are you, Cliff? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Wow, that was really pretty bad, Rick.
Bad for society when the kids start to get into it.
I'm going to kill myself now.
Pretty angry stuff, right? Let them try and ignore that, right? Those clever trousers in the army! And the police and the government, if they can.
I see things much more clearly now.
Bye, Rick.
Yes, goodbye.
I'll probably come back as a lentil.
LAUGHTER I might even get put in prison and have water dripped on my head! I might even get a personal message from Cliff.
Oh, wow.
This is the end, man.
Doesn't anybody ever suss out cleaning this oven except me? LAUGHTER Oh, this is so dirty, man! Uncool.
I bet you could look inside all the dirty ovens in the world, right, even the ones at the bottom of swamps, and you wouldn't find one as dirty as this, right? LAUGHTER Neil! Why don't you listen to me, Neil? Why don't you listen to me?! Dodo you find me boring or something? Look, look! That's a saucer.
That's boring.
Look.
GALES OF LAUGHTER Pretty different, really, isn't it? It's not really the same thing at all, is it, Neil? Neil! SMASH! I will not be associated with saucers.
Hi, guys.
6:15, enter Mike the cool person for his dinner.
Strolls across the floor, "Hi, Neil," he says, looking good and already warming up.
Is that supper? Oh, no, that's supper over there.
LAUGHTER Why are you smashing up saucers, Rick? You prints on 'em? I know just how you feel, man.
Sometimes saucers used to make me pretty angry too.
Yeah, there's a lot of heads buried at the bottom of the garden because of a saucer in the works.
I suppose you think it's pretty weird, don't you, Mike? Well, you'd be right because that's the kind of guy I am, right?! Weird, which is why I go over people's heads.
A bit like an aeroplane.
You think I'm an aeroplane, don't you, Mike? Well, I'm not.
I don't think you're an aeroplane, Rick.
Sycophant! LAUGHTER Guys, I really think we ought to get it together to eat something.
Eaten any good books lately? Oh, don't! The best I can manage these days is to stuff down a few pages of The Guardian before I nip out.
I managed to nibble away at a few lines of Hippolytus the other day, number 32.
Oh, lucky you.
Euripides is my dream poet.
(BOTH LAUGH) Wonderful! This should raise a dry smile then.
Knock knock.
Oh, how wonderful! Who's there? Euripides.
Euripides who? Euripides these trousers, you mend-a these trousers! (BOTH LAUGH) (SHOUTS) Oh, a rat! LAUGHTER Oh, wow! Rick, man, that's really heavy, man.
My grandfather made that guitar entirely out of matchsticks on his deathbed! I hate rats, OK? DISGUSTED GROANS (BURPS AND SLURPS) It's what he would've wanted.
LAUGHTER Guys, I'm sorry the meal got a bit uncool, like, floor wise but it's all right because I've probably got the dirtiest bit.
Ha ha ha! OK, guys, don't do anything unusual.
Did a guy with a lisp phone? Ah, no-one phoned you, Mike.
Well, we haven't got a telephone.
Yeah, I know.
I know, but did a guy with a lisp phone? No, he didn't.
Did he say anything about the bananas? Ahno.
I thought you said he didn't phone? He didn't! OK, OK, that's good.
But it could've been very bad.
Anyway, forget you ever even heard the name.
LAUGHTER Ah, what name? Hey, hey, you're learning! That's good! I've got an uncle called Dusty.
Neil, are these lentils South African?! Well, ah You bastard! You complete and utter bastard! Why didn't you just go out and become a policeman, become a pig, there's no difference, you know?! Argh! Ow, ow! There's no difference, you know? You think there is, but there isn't.
I suppose you hate gay people too.
Hippie! Listen, listen, just don't bring me down again, all right, Rick?! OK.
Where is my biro? Where is my biro?! Here, here, use mine.
This is my biro! I just saw it lying on your desk, I thought you didn't want it any more.
But look at it, it's half empty.
It was just lying there, Rick, what's a guy supposed to think? Neil.
What are you doing, Neil? To make a meal, Neil.
That's surreal.
From totalitarian vegetables.
How much does it cost, Neil? Well, actually, it's about ã4.
50 each.
BOTH: ã4.
50?! I'm not paying you money to eat black men! I can pick up a pig and do that for free.
Neil, when I eat a meal worth ã4.
50, I'm not paying for it, you got me? Yeah, OK, OK.
Like, house meeting, OK? I know ã4.
50 is a hell of a lot of bread to lay out just for a lentil casserole, but I did a lot, right, and it struck me that, like, considering what I'm going to do tonight, I should do, like, 13 portions.
13? What are you doing, starting a football team? No, no, killing myself.
Killing myself.
This is my last supper, right? I've finished building my gallows and its totally far out.
You should see it, Rick.
When the trapdoor opens and I, like, die, it lights joss sticks and plays Rock Around The Clock.
It's totally amazing, man.
LAUGHTER Oh, far out! Really great! Woodstock! BANG! AUDIENCE ROARS WITH LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Oh, fine, great, yeah! Why don't you sit in the supper, man, yeah? Vyvyan, you might've washed your hands.
I been down the morgue.
Oh, fine.
Yeah, great, let's talk about death.
I mean, don't consider my feelings tonight or anything, will you? Cutting up bodies for my course, you know.
None of you ever give the slightest consideration to a word I say.
That's because you're very boring.
Oh! LAUGHTER Oh, and I suppose you think ideas like peace and freedom and equality are boring too? Yes, they are.
Ah, fallen into my trap! In that case, why isn't Cliff Richard boring, clever trousers? Tell me that.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE OK, lads.
Right, umthis is it, OK? I'm going now, this is the final moment, OK? I've got a leg! Vyvyan, that's not unusual.
No, look.
I'm supposed to write an essay on it, right, but I think I'm just going to stick it on the bonnet of my car.
Bye then.
OK, Rick.
OK, go back, go previous.
Now the scotch egg's another story.
That's a nice angle on the wall.
Straight through it, I like your style.
Certainly had me fooled.
That's only part of the puzzle.
Most days you come through the door.
Sometimes you even open it.
But today you didn't.
Today you suddenly changed your routine.
Why? Eh? You in trouble, Vyv? Are you the final sausage in the fridge? Is someone coming after you with a piece of cling film? LAUGHTER No.
We got a letter from the council.
Look, nobody's fed my hamster, have they? Um Look, I'll see you on the other side, OK, lads? This is really it.
I'm going, OK? Yeah, yeah.
See you, Neil.
Yeah, bye, Neil.
And you can forget about the bread, OK, man? Hey, listen, it's just like going to sleep, OK? I'm an insomniac, Mike.
So what are you worried about? LAUGHTER Oh, yeah, thanks.
Thanks, Mike.
Bye.
Look, nobody's fed Special Patrol Group, have they? Listen, Vyv, this letter, are you sure it wasn't a packing case? Or maybe a tea chest with Zurich stamped on it? No, a letter! I think Special Patrol Group is a stupid name for a hamster.
OK, I'll change it then.
Hello, Cliff Richard.
Bastard! GALES OF LAUGHTER Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh! Thanks a lot, Vyvyan! You know I'm a vegetarian! LAUGHTER I really think you ought to feed that hamster more often.
Look, I don't want to spoil him, OK? He looks like Tesco's when the beans are reduced.
He looks well-fed, though, don't he? LAUGHTER CRASH! Ugh! I could murder a curry! (FARTS) Poor old Special Patrol Group.
What's poor about him? It'll take ten weeks to starve another one.
One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock rock Five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock rock Well, that's put the rent up by a third! LAUGHTER I really screwed that up, didn't I? I should think I'd look pretty stupid if anyone was watching.
Oh, look at that! He should've had a shorter rope.
He could've down with it being a bit shorter.
What that lad needs is a good, hard BELL RINGS GALES OF LAUGHTER I never knew there was so much in it.
Hey, Vyvyan, I don't want to get specific or anything, but if you knock that wall down, this house is going to collapse.
And there's my duvet and my passport collection.
We got a letter from the council.
Yeah, what letter? Clarity, Vyvyan.
Elucidate.
LAUGHTER Hello, everybody.
Hello, Mike, my little Thunderbird poppet.
Thunderbirds are go, yeah? Come on, let's twist again like we did last summer Yeah, yeah, yeah Let's twist again like we didn't do in Moscow Because I've never been there, of course, I am English person.
Hi, I am Jerzy, the crazy, whacky landlord.
You know, I like very much your English punk rock stars, you know.
Your Lulu, your Dave Clark Five.
Oh, yes.
I think they are F-A-B, that's English for stupid.
OK, fantastic.
Hey, Mikey, look.
I have some Coca-Cola, yes? We have party, yes.
OK, let's dance.
Let's do The Fog.
You know, I am liking very much your Harold Macmillan.
Thanks to him I am never having a Mr Balowski, we have residents' rights, you know.
You're supposed to knock.
Listen, don't you think it's a nice house here? It's good house, it's clean house.
Michael Caine and Twiggy, yes.
So maybe sometime you would like to pay me some rent, then we go down milk bar for soda pop, you shovel, yes? Listen, Jerzy Jeremy, actually.
Jeremy.
Listen, if you're worried about the rent, I've got that sussed.
Gentlemen, house meeting, in the hall, two seconds.
Be there! Hey, I think you are nice, good, democratic boy, yes? I hope you marry a Scottish person like Lulu, yes? 'Because I am also Scottish, you know.
' foreign, you know.
I just do it to appear more sophisticated.
I mean, nobody would buy Evian water if it was called Blackburn water, would they? LAUGHTER Nobody would wear kicker boots if they were made in Scunthorpe.
ABBA, ABBA, Swedish.
I knew them when they were a Lancashire clog dancing trio.
RIOTOUS LAUGHTER Arthur, Betty and Boris and Angela.
Solzhenitsyn, Solzhenitsyn, a former pipe fitter/welder from Harrogate! LAUGHTER Back to the acting.
OK, Jerzy.
Yes? About the rent.
Yes.
Oh, I nearly forgot, these two men wanted to see you.
Two men, Morecambe and Wise, yes? Funny comedians with the wigs and the buckets of water, yes? No, no, no.
They said they were with the Moscow Dynamos Ice Hockey Squad.
Eh? I told them I never heard of you, said I'd never seen you before.
OK, yes, I say, it's good joke, yes? It's earthy English humour, yes? Like seaside postcard from Leicester, yes? Yeah, yeah.
So we'll forget about the rent, we'll pay you another time, is that cool? Yes, that's absolutely icebox.
LAUGHTER See you later, Ford Anglia.
LAUGHTER I hate him.
Do you think he really is British? Well, he knows a lot about the Mersey sound.
Shut up! I'm trying to stir my coffee.
Well, listen, we got a letter from the council.
They're going to demolish the house tomorrow.
THUNDER CRASHES LAUGHTER But I was going to turn it into an entertainment complex.
This room is a roller disco.
Hey, I'm depressed.
It's Nine Below Zero.
He's bloomin' right, you know.
NINE BELOW ZERO PLAYS INTRO Out there shacked up on the beach we'd see her Seeking out an ice-cream Big shout Terror's in the cake stall Thrown down So much for the gate cool I've got nothing but sit around here playing with my cube I've got nothing to do Eleven plus eleven Had more to do when I was seven Eleven plus eleven Had more to do when I was seven Stand here There's got to be a corner round here You can't say any surer but watch out We've moving and pushing round to come here You're lucky to be out of gaol I've got nothing to do but sit around here playing with me cube I've got nothing to do Eleven plus eleven Oh, I've got nothing to do but sit around here playing with me cube I've nothing to do Eleven plus eleven Had more to do when I was seven Eleven plus eleven Had more to do when I was seven More to do when I was seven More to do when.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE WHISTLING AND CHEERING How can they, ie, the council, destroy the house of Mike? Listen, Michael, there's no need to worry.
I've got a plan with which to thwart them! LAUGHTER Oh, God, no sugar! LAUGHTER Oh, wow.
A wet bum, just what I need.
Far out.
Wait, now we're in the same supermarket and we're not buying peas.
Look, you're agreed the council must be thwarted, right? Hey, does this face empty knickers? That I don't know.
But when the council come to demolish the house tomorrow, Michael, they're going to find it already demolished from within.
OK, step back, recoil.
Go previous.
I want to study the angles, and, hey, I'm not talking about fishing.
Give me the letter.
The letter, yeah.
With pleasure.
CRASH! LAUGHTER Vyvyan, this isn't our house.
Well, whose is it, then? Somebody else's.
Look, when they get back, tell them I'm incredibly sorry.
LAUGHTER Well, old man? Woods and the darkness and the howling wind.
Will the snows never cease? They seem to reach back forever.
They began the night Uncle Volga died on the night we heard the shot.
If only we were deaf.
Do you remember when this very room was filled with light and laughter and young people? How we laughed.
Ha ha! LAUGHTER Hee hee! Was the food richer then? Or have we just forgotten? It was sort of crunchy.
GALES OF LAUGHTER The woods and the darkness and the howling wind.
Will the snows never cease? They seem to reach back forever.
Could you be quiet, please? I'm trying to watch my favourite programme.
Will you stop it, Vyvyan? Listen, if we don't smash the house up, the council are going to demolish it tomorrow.
He's right, you know.
They're going to knock the house down tomorrow.
That's all very well but finally after years of stagnation the TV people have woken up to the need for locally based minority programmes made by amateurs and perhaps of interest to only two or three people.
It's important, right.
It's now and I want to watch.
LAUGHTER Wet feet.
Nice one, Vyvyan.
I thought you were dead.
Well, that's no reason to hassle me on the toilet.
LAUGHTER Council are going to knock the house down.
Shush! Shush! Ssssssh! Ssh-ssh! And now let's shake some action here on 2 with a new programme for young adults - Nozin' Aroun'.
Nozin' Aroun' Nozin' Aroun' Nozin' Aroun' Nozin' Aroun' Nozin' Aroun'.
Hi, my name's Baz, and me and my mates thought that TV just wasn't now, right? I expect, like us, you're not into all that stuff your old man's into.
Right? So we just thought we'd have a programme for us, right? And this is it, Nozin' Aroun'.
Yeah, N-O-Z.
Z for zap.
This is a programme for young adults made by young adults, and concentrating on all the subjects that young adults are interested in.
Like, unemployment.
Maggie.
Hey, yeah.
Really great! And now I'm going to be looking at what it's like to be a young, unemployed adult because more young adults are becoming unemployed on account of the fact that they can't find work.
Basically, the problem is this.
If you haven't got a job, then you're out of work and that means only one thing.
Unemployment.
Yeah, got your back.
All right, yeah.
So, thanks a lot, Maggie, worth listening to.
After all it's our world too.
Right? Right.
Really great.
Hi, well, I'm standing up here on this scaffolding because that's what this programme is all about - shock, yeah, right.
OK.
Thanks a lot there, Maggie.
Right, but now it's time to have a bit of a natter with our very special guest, Roland Percival, who's careers officer at East London College.
GALES OF LAUGHTER Roland, getting down? Right down, thank you.
Well Baz? Well, a lot of my mates say to me, "What is the point?" What would you say to them? But, surely, Baz, your mates must realise that there definitely is a point.
So, a real message of hope and good cheer there from Roland, a really ace guy.
Drop in and see him for a chat at the call-in.
But that doesn't mean I want you to seduce my parrot.
(LAUGHS) Oh, yeah! GALES OF LAUGHTER Anyway, if you're on the dole, go and see Rol.
Oh, I should stress that you do have to have a degree.
Yeah, right.
OK.
Thanks a lot there, Rol.
But now it's the part of the programme where you, yeah, you the viewers, get a chance to put your ideas and opinions.
New concept, right - our world too.
So, here we go, with Street Level.
I'm 16.
I'm old enough to marry and have children but I can't drink in pubs.
When will the government wake up and realise that young adults are mature and responsible people? I'm 16, right.
I can join the army, the air force or the navy but I can't drink in pubs.
When will the government realise that young adults have a valued contribution to give to society? GALES OF LAUGHTER A lot of people say that young adults are violent, right? But how would you feel if you were old enough to have intercourse with a partner of your choice, yet you could not drink in pubs? LAUGHTER Right, well, there you go.
That's the problem.
What do you do of an evening if you're a young adult and can't go drinking in pubs? Now what I think is that if the kids are united, we will never be divided! Did you see that? Did you? The voice of youth.
They're still wearing flared trousers! LAUGHTER Why don't you try a bit of poetry, you hippies! Rick, Rick, the council are going to knock me house down tomorrow.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, so you keep saying, but they'll never do it.
This is a student residence, a seat of learning.
The council have OK'd it, OK? Oh, right on.
Right on! Typical! Human beings are the last consideration.
Take a street, any street, an English street, filled with life and hope and poetry Not the whole street, just us! It says we're a health hazard.
But I live in the laundrette! Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's OK, it's OK because, because the letter is signed T Smith, Miss.
See? Do you see? T Smith, Miss.
Yes, I can see that! I even believe it's perfumed.
Dust off the duvet, lads, I'll handle this.
I'll handle this! SMACK! I'll handle this! I can't handle this.
When they come, I'm going to hide in the wall cavity and pretend to be thermal insulation.
And then when they knock the wall down, boom shanka! MORNING HAS BROKEN LAUGHTER House, house, house.
Oh, you are made of stone.
But you're not a lone-ly house.
I am here.
I've got myself a walking, talking, living, walking, living doll Excuse me.
Yeah? If you're looking for the house that's going to be demolished, it isn't this one.
I think it's the one on the other side of town.
Excuse me? Another half hour, just a bit more time, OK? KABOOM! Some of these bricks explode.
That's good, innit? Excuse me.
I mean, why don't you just go and live in Iran, right, or Russia?! Listen, everybody, I've stewed up some lentils and seaweed as a sort of last positive action.
Hey, Rick man, what are you doing with my crucifix, man? I'm protesting.
I really think I should lay this one on you, man.
That's a really negative way to kill yourself, you know.
Like, I've tried it hundreds of times.
There's no way you can hammer in the last nail.
LAUGHTER Excuse me.
Are you the leaseholder to these premises? (STAMMERS) I'm being hassled in the street by a chick.
I'm a bit paranoid, man.
Stop making him paranoid, you slag! Ugh! Hey, baby.
Maybe just once I'd like to keep the lentils off the floor.
ALL GROAN So who turns on your bulb in the wee small hours? I'm sorry? If the world's an egg, border collie, then this kid's the lion, stamped on the side.
Thank you.
Now what I really need is your rent book.
You know the French for duvet? I'm talking about 100% cotton.
Mmm! I'd like to find your duck down stuck to the soap.
That's enough.
Now what I really would like Open mouth surgery? Feel my scalpel.
You ever done it on a beanbag? Baby, I do it inside beanbags.
All right! Aaaaah! MEN SHOU Don't worry, lads.
These bastards won't get away with this.
RIOTOUS LAUGHTER CRASH! Yeah, come on, man.
You'd be doing me a favour.
LAUGHTER Oh, right on! Wow, I really hope we don't have a crash.
Me too.
But they say it's safer than crossing the road.
Yes, but we have to do that too.
Best not to think about it.
HUGE ROAR OVERHEAD Oh, no! That plane is going to crash on us.
HUGE EXPLOSION Closed Captions by CSI
CANNED LAUGHTER MUSIC ENDS That's a great new version of The Young Ones.
That was brilliant! Shame about Cliff Richard.
What about him? What?! What about Cliff Richard? Are you trying to be funny? LAUGHTER Um, ah Because if you are, I think it's in pretty poor taste, that's all.
I'm not a fridge, you know! LAUGHTER Weird, eh? I'd better get back to the lentil casserole before I get disorientated.
LAUGHTER GALES OF LAUGHTER It'll soon be over for you lentils.
(SNEEZES) LAUGHTER Oh, wow! This is really, amazingly hot.
I'd better get it to the table quickly.
LAUGHTER Oh, no room at all, eh? Heavy! LAUGHTER I'll never get it back to the cooker in time now.
I'm just going to have to Ow! RIOTOUS LAUGHTER Oh, no! ALL GROAN Bad karma.
Again! Guys? There's some dinner on the floor if you want it.
But if you don't, like, that would also be cool because I only spent all day cooking it, right? And I was the one who got it together to put the lentils on to soak last night, but maybe we should just get a cat, right, and give it to the cat 'cause it's obvious none of you can be both Guys? LAUGHTER Maybe it would be cool if I just died, right? LAUGHTER Well? Well, what, Rick? Have you decided to apologise for what you said about Cliff Richard? I didn't say anything about Cliff Richard, Rick.
I wasn't even Look, I don't want to discuss it, OK? I wouldn't even discuss the colour of orange juice with you, Neil.
LAUGHTER But I've written a poem and I think perhaps it might help you.
It's orange, Rick.
And, look, I don't want to depress you or anything but, like, you're standing in a huge mound of lentil casserole.
LAUGHTER Oh, Cliff! Sometimes it must be difficult not to feel as if.
You really are a cliff.
When fascists keep trying to push you over it.
Are they the lemmings or are you, Cliff? Or are you, Cliff? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Wow, that was really pretty bad, Rick.
Bad for society when the kids start to get into it.
I'm going to kill myself now.
Pretty angry stuff, right? Let them try and ignore that, right? Those clever trousers in the army! And the police and the government, if they can.
I see things much more clearly now.
Bye, Rick.
Yes, goodbye.
I'll probably come back as a lentil.
LAUGHTER I might even get put in prison and have water dripped on my head! I might even get a personal message from Cliff.
Oh, wow.
This is the end, man.
Doesn't anybody ever suss out cleaning this oven except me? LAUGHTER Oh, this is so dirty, man! Uncool.
I bet you could look inside all the dirty ovens in the world, right, even the ones at the bottom of swamps, and you wouldn't find one as dirty as this, right? LAUGHTER Neil! Why don't you listen to me, Neil? Why don't you listen to me?! Dodo you find me boring or something? Look, look! That's a saucer.
That's boring.
Look.
GALES OF LAUGHTER Pretty different, really, isn't it? It's not really the same thing at all, is it, Neil? Neil! SMASH! I will not be associated with saucers.
Hi, guys.
6:15, enter Mike the cool person for his dinner.
Strolls across the floor, "Hi, Neil," he says, looking good and already warming up.
Is that supper? Oh, no, that's supper over there.
LAUGHTER Why are you smashing up saucers, Rick? You prints on 'em? I know just how you feel, man.
Sometimes saucers used to make me pretty angry too.
Yeah, there's a lot of heads buried at the bottom of the garden because of a saucer in the works.
I suppose you think it's pretty weird, don't you, Mike? Well, you'd be right because that's the kind of guy I am, right?! Weird, which is why I go over people's heads.
A bit like an aeroplane.
You think I'm an aeroplane, don't you, Mike? Well, I'm not.
I don't think you're an aeroplane, Rick.
Sycophant! LAUGHTER Guys, I really think we ought to get it together to eat something.
Eaten any good books lately? Oh, don't! The best I can manage these days is to stuff down a few pages of The Guardian before I nip out.
I managed to nibble away at a few lines of Hippolytus the other day, number 32.
Oh, lucky you.
Euripides is my dream poet.
(BOTH LAUGH) Wonderful! This should raise a dry smile then.
Knock knock.
Oh, how wonderful! Who's there? Euripides.
Euripides who? Euripides these trousers, you mend-a these trousers! (BOTH LAUGH) (SHOUTS) Oh, a rat! LAUGHTER Oh, wow! Rick, man, that's really heavy, man.
My grandfather made that guitar entirely out of matchsticks on his deathbed! I hate rats, OK? DISGUSTED GROANS (BURPS AND SLURPS) It's what he would've wanted.
LAUGHTER Guys, I'm sorry the meal got a bit uncool, like, floor wise but it's all right because I've probably got the dirtiest bit.
Ha ha ha! OK, guys, don't do anything unusual.
Did a guy with a lisp phone? Ah, no-one phoned you, Mike.
Well, we haven't got a telephone.
Yeah, I know.
I know, but did a guy with a lisp phone? No, he didn't.
Did he say anything about the bananas? Ahno.
I thought you said he didn't phone? He didn't! OK, OK, that's good.
But it could've been very bad.
Anyway, forget you ever even heard the name.
LAUGHTER Ah, what name? Hey, hey, you're learning! That's good! I've got an uncle called Dusty.
Neil, are these lentils South African?! Well, ah You bastard! You complete and utter bastard! Why didn't you just go out and become a policeman, become a pig, there's no difference, you know?! Argh! Ow, ow! There's no difference, you know? You think there is, but there isn't.
I suppose you hate gay people too.
Hippie! Listen, listen, just don't bring me down again, all right, Rick?! OK.
Where is my biro? Where is my biro?! Here, here, use mine.
This is my biro! I just saw it lying on your desk, I thought you didn't want it any more.
But look at it, it's half empty.
It was just lying there, Rick, what's a guy supposed to think? Neil.
What are you doing, Neil? To make a meal, Neil.
That's surreal.
From totalitarian vegetables.
How much does it cost, Neil? Well, actually, it's about ã4.
50 each.
BOTH: ã4.
50?! I'm not paying you money to eat black men! I can pick up a pig and do that for free.
Neil, when I eat a meal worth ã4.
50, I'm not paying for it, you got me? Yeah, OK, OK.
Like, house meeting, OK? I know ã4.
50 is a hell of a lot of bread to lay out just for a lentil casserole, but I did a lot, right, and it struck me that, like, considering what I'm going to do tonight, I should do, like, 13 portions.
13? What are you doing, starting a football team? No, no, killing myself.
Killing myself.
This is my last supper, right? I've finished building my gallows and its totally far out.
You should see it, Rick.
When the trapdoor opens and I, like, die, it lights joss sticks and plays Rock Around The Clock.
It's totally amazing, man.
LAUGHTER Oh, far out! Really great! Woodstock! BANG! AUDIENCE ROARS WITH LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Oh, fine, great, yeah! Why don't you sit in the supper, man, yeah? Vyvyan, you might've washed your hands.
I been down the morgue.
Oh, fine.
Yeah, great, let's talk about death.
I mean, don't consider my feelings tonight or anything, will you? Cutting up bodies for my course, you know.
None of you ever give the slightest consideration to a word I say.
That's because you're very boring.
Oh! LAUGHTER Oh, and I suppose you think ideas like peace and freedom and equality are boring too? Yes, they are.
Ah, fallen into my trap! In that case, why isn't Cliff Richard boring, clever trousers? Tell me that.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE OK, lads.
Right, umthis is it, OK? I'm going now, this is the final moment, OK? I've got a leg! Vyvyan, that's not unusual.
No, look.
I'm supposed to write an essay on it, right, but I think I'm just going to stick it on the bonnet of my car.
Bye then.
OK, Rick.
OK, go back, go previous.
Now the scotch egg's another story.
That's a nice angle on the wall.
Straight through it, I like your style.
Certainly had me fooled.
That's only part of the puzzle.
Most days you come through the door.
Sometimes you even open it.
But today you didn't.
Today you suddenly changed your routine.
Why? Eh? You in trouble, Vyv? Are you the final sausage in the fridge? Is someone coming after you with a piece of cling film? LAUGHTER No.
We got a letter from the council.
Look, nobody's fed my hamster, have they? Um Look, I'll see you on the other side, OK, lads? This is really it.
I'm going, OK? Yeah, yeah.
See you, Neil.
Yeah, bye, Neil.
And you can forget about the bread, OK, man? Hey, listen, it's just like going to sleep, OK? I'm an insomniac, Mike.
So what are you worried about? LAUGHTER Oh, yeah, thanks.
Thanks, Mike.
Bye.
Look, nobody's fed Special Patrol Group, have they? Listen, Vyv, this letter, are you sure it wasn't a packing case? Or maybe a tea chest with Zurich stamped on it? No, a letter! I think Special Patrol Group is a stupid name for a hamster.
OK, I'll change it then.
Hello, Cliff Richard.
Bastard! GALES OF LAUGHTER Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh! Thanks a lot, Vyvyan! You know I'm a vegetarian! LAUGHTER I really think you ought to feed that hamster more often.
Look, I don't want to spoil him, OK? He looks like Tesco's when the beans are reduced.
He looks well-fed, though, don't he? LAUGHTER CRASH! Ugh! I could murder a curry! (FARTS) Poor old Special Patrol Group.
What's poor about him? It'll take ten weeks to starve another one.
One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock rock Five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock rock Well, that's put the rent up by a third! LAUGHTER I really screwed that up, didn't I? I should think I'd look pretty stupid if anyone was watching.
Oh, look at that! He should've had a shorter rope.
He could've down with it being a bit shorter.
What that lad needs is a good, hard BELL RINGS GALES OF LAUGHTER I never knew there was so much in it.
Hey, Vyvyan, I don't want to get specific or anything, but if you knock that wall down, this house is going to collapse.
And there's my duvet and my passport collection.
We got a letter from the council.
Yeah, what letter? Clarity, Vyvyan.
Elucidate.
LAUGHTER Hello, everybody.
Hello, Mike, my little Thunderbird poppet.
Thunderbirds are go, yeah? Come on, let's twist again like we did last summer Yeah, yeah, yeah Let's twist again like we didn't do in Moscow Because I've never been there, of course, I am English person.
Hi, I am Jerzy, the crazy, whacky landlord.
You know, I like very much your English punk rock stars, you know.
Your Lulu, your Dave Clark Five.
Oh, yes.
I think they are F-A-B, that's English for stupid.
OK, fantastic.
Hey, Mikey, look.
I have some Coca-Cola, yes? We have party, yes.
OK, let's dance.
Let's do The Fog.
You know, I am liking very much your Harold Macmillan.
Thanks to him I am never having a Mr Balowski, we have residents' rights, you know.
You're supposed to knock.
Listen, don't you think it's a nice house here? It's good house, it's clean house.
Michael Caine and Twiggy, yes.
So maybe sometime you would like to pay me some rent, then we go down milk bar for soda pop, you shovel, yes? Listen, Jerzy Jeremy, actually.
Jeremy.
Listen, if you're worried about the rent, I've got that sussed.
Gentlemen, house meeting, in the hall, two seconds.
Be there! Hey, I think you are nice, good, democratic boy, yes? I hope you marry a Scottish person like Lulu, yes? 'Because I am also Scottish, you know.
' foreign, you know.
I just do it to appear more sophisticated.
I mean, nobody would buy Evian water if it was called Blackburn water, would they? LAUGHTER Nobody would wear kicker boots if they were made in Scunthorpe.
ABBA, ABBA, Swedish.
I knew them when they were a Lancashire clog dancing trio.
RIOTOUS LAUGHTER Arthur, Betty and Boris and Angela.
Solzhenitsyn, Solzhenitsyn, a former pipe fitter/welder from Harrogate! LAUGHTER Back to the acting.
OK, Jerzy.
Yes? About the rent.
Yes.
Oh, I nearly forgot, these two men wanted to see you.
Two men, Morecambe and Wise, yes? Funny comedians with the wigs and the buckets of water, yes? No, no, no.
They said they were with the Moscow Dynamos Ice Hockey Squad.
Eh? I told them I never heard of you, said I'd never seen you before.
OK, yes, I say, it's good joke, yes? It's earthy English humour, yes? Like seaside postcard from Leicester, yes? Yeah, yeah.
So we'll forget about the rent, we'll pay you another time, is that cool? Yes, that's absolutely icebox.
LAUGHTER See you later, Ford Anglia.
LAUGHTER I hate him.
Do you think he really is British? Well, he knows a lot about the Mersey sound.
Shut up! I'm trying to stir my coffee.
Well, listen, we got a letter from the council.
They're going to demolish the house tomorrow.
THUNDER CRASHES LAUGHTER But I was going to turn it into an entertainment complex.
This room is a roller disco.
Hey, I'm depressed.
It's Nine Below Zero.
He's bloomin' right, you know.
NINE BELOW ZERO PLAYS INTRO Out there shacked up on the beach we'd see her Seeking out an ice-cream Big shout Terror's in the cake stall Thrown down So much for the gate cool I've got nothing but sit around here playing with my cube I've got nothing to do Eleven plus eleven Had more to do when I was seven Eleven plus eleven Had more to do when I was seven Stand here There's got to be a corner round here You can't say any surer but watch out We've moving and pushing round to come here You're lucky to be out of gaol I've got nothing to do but sit around here playing with me cube I've got nothing to do Eleven plus eleven Oh, I've got nothing to do but sit around here playing with me cube I've nothing to do Eleven plus eleven Had more to do when I was seven Eleven plus eleven Had more to do when I was seven More to do when I was seven More to do when.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE WHISTLING AND CHEERING How can they, ie, the council, destroy the house of Mike? Listen, Michael, there's no need to worry.
I've got a plan with which to thwart them! LAUGHTER Oh, God, no sugar! LAUGHTER Oh, wow.
A wet bum, just what I need.
Far out.
Wait, now we're in the same supermarket and we're not buying peas.
Look, you're agreed the council must be thwarted, right? Hey, does this face empty knickers? That I don't know.
But when the council come to demolish the house tomorrow, Michael, they're going to find it already demolished from within.
OK, step back, recoil.
Go previous.
I want to study the angles, and, hey, I'm not talking about fishing.
Give me the letter.
The letter, yeah.
With pleasure.
CRASH! LAUGHTER Vyvyan, this isn't our house.
Well, whose is it, then? Somebody else's.
Look, when they get back, tell them I'm incredibly sorry.
LAUGHTER Well, old man? Woods and the darkness and the howling wind.
Will the snows never cease? They seem to reach back forever.
They began the night Uncle Volga died on the night we heard the shot.
If only we were deaf.
Do you remember when this very room was filled with light and laughter and young people? How we laughed.
Ha ha! LAUGHTER Hee hee! Was the food richer then? Or have we just forgotten? It was sort of crunchy.
GALES OF LAUGHTER The woods and the darkness and the howling wind.
Will the snows never cease? They seem to reach back forever.
Could you be quiet, please? I'm trying to watch my favourite programme.
Will you stop it, Vyvyan? Listen, if we don't smash the house up, the council are going to demolish it tomorrow.
He's right, you know.
They're going to knock the house down tomorrow.
That's all very well but finally after years of stagnation the TV people have woken up to the need for locally based minority programmes made by amateurs and perhaps of interest to only two or three people.
It's important, right.
It's now and I want to watch.
LAUGHTER Wet feet.
Nice one, Vyvyan.
I thought you were dead.
Well, that's no reason to hassle me on the toilet.
LAUGHTER Council are going to knock the house down.
Shush! Shush! Ssssssh! Ssh-ssh! And now let's shake some action here on 2 with a new programme for young adults - Nozin' Aroun'.
Nozin' Aroun' Nozin' Aroun' Nozin' Aroun' Nozin' Aroun' Nozin' Aroun'.
Hi, my name's Baz, and me and my mates thought that TV just wasn't now, right? I expect, like us, you're not into all that stuff your old man's into.
Right? So we just thought we'd have a programme for us, right? And this is it, Nozin' Aroun'.
Yeah, N-O-Z.
Z for zap.
This is a programme for young adults made by young adults, and concentrating on all the subjects that young adults are interested in.
Like, unemployment.
Maggie.
Hey, yeah.
Really great! And now I'm going to be looking at what it's like to be a young, unemployed adult because more young adults are becoming unemployed on account of the fact that they can't find work.
Basically, the problem is this.
If you haven't got a job, then you're out of work and that means only one thing.
Unemployment.
Yeah, got your back.
All right, yeah.
So, thanks a lot, Maggie, worth listening to.
After all it's our world too.
Right? Right.
Really great.
Hi, well, I'm standing up here on this scaffolding because that's what this programme is all about - shock, yeah, right.
OK.
Thanks a lot there, Maggie.
Right, but now it's time to have a bit of a natter with our very special guest, Roland Percival, who's careers officer at East London College.
GALES OF LAUGHTER Roland, getting down? Right down, thank you.
Well Baz? Well, a lot of my mates say to me, "What is the point?" What would you say to them? But, surely, Baz, your mates must realise that there definitely is a point.
So, a real message of hope and good cheer there from Roland, a really ace guy.
Drop in and see him for a chat at the call-in.
But that doesn't mean I want you to seduce my parrot.
(LAUGHS) Oh, yeah! GALES OF LAUGHTER Anyway, if you're on the dole, go and see Rol.
Oh, I should stress that you do have to have a degree.
Yeah, right.
OK.
Thanks a lot there, Rol.
But now it's the part of the programme where you, yeah, you the viewers, get a chance to put your ideas and opinions.
New concept, right - our world too.
So, here we go, with Street Level.
I'm 16.
I'm old enough to marry and have children but I can't drink in pubs.
When will the government wake up and realise that young adults are mature and responsible people? I'm 16, right.
I can join the army, the air force or the navy but I can't drink in pubs.
When will the government realise that young adults have a valued contribution to give to society? GALES OF LAUGHTER A lot of people say that young adults are violent, right? But how would you feel if you were old enough to have intercourse with a partner of your choice, yet you could not drink in pubs? LAUGHTER Right, well, there you go.
That's the problem.
What do you do of an evening if you're a young adult and can't go drinking in pubs? Now what I think is that if the kids are united, we will never be divided! Did you see that? Did you? The voice of youth.
They're still wearing flared trousers! LAUGHTER Why don't you try a bit of poetry, you hippies! Rick, Rick, the council are going to knock me house down tomorrow.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, so you keep saying, but they'll never do it.
This is a student residence, a seat of learning.
The council have OK'd it, OK? Oh, right on.
Right on! Typical! Human beings are the last consideration.
Take a street, any street, an English street, filled with life and hope and poetry Not the whole street, just us! It says we're a health hazard.
But I live in the laundrette! Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's OK, it's OK because, because the letter is signed T Smith, Miss.
See? Do you see? T Smith, Miss.
Yes, I can see that! I even believe it's perfumed.
Dust off the duvet, lads, I'll handle this.
I'll handle this! SMACK! I'll handle this! I can't handle this.
When they come, I'm going to hide in the wall cavity and pretend to be thermal insulation.
And then when they knock the wall down, boom shanka! MORNING HAS BROKEN LAUGHTER House, house, house.
Oh, you are made of stone.
But you're not a lone-ly house.
I am here.
I've got myself a walking, talking, living, walking, living doll Excuse me.
Yeah? If you're looking for the house that's going to be demolished, it isn't this one.
I think it's the one on the other side of town.
Excuse me? Another half hour, just a bit more time, OK? KABOOM! Some of these bricks explode.
That's good, innit? Excuse me.
I mean, why don't you just go and live in Iran, right, or Russia?! Listen, everybody, I've stewed up some lentils and seaweed as a sort of last positive action.
Hey, Rick man, what are you doing with my crucifix, man? I'm protesting.
I really think I should lay this one on you, man.
That's a really negative way to kill yourself, you know.
Like, I've tried it hundreds of times.
There's no way you can hammer in the last nail.
LAUGHTER Excuse me.
Are you the leaseholder to these premises? (STAMMERS) I'm being hassled in the street by a chick.
I'm a bit paranoid, man.
Stop making him paranoid, you slag! Ugh! Hey, baby.
Maybe just once I'd like to keep the lentils off the floor.
ALL GROAN So who turns on your bulb in the wee small hours? I'm sorry? If the world's an egg, border collie, then this kid's the lion, stamped on the side.
Thank you.
Now what I really need is your rent book.
You know the French for duvet? I'm talking about 100% cotton.
Mmm! I'd like to find your duck down stuck to the soap.
That's enough.
Now what I really would like Open mouth surgery? Feel my scalpel.
You ever done it on a beanbag? Baby, I do it inside beanbags.
All right! Aaaaah! MEN SHOU Don't worry, lads.
These bastards won't get away with this.
RIOTOUS LAUGHTER CRASH! Yeah, come on, man.
You'd be doing me a favour.
LAUGHTER Oh, right on! Wow, I really hope we don't have a crash.
Me too.
But they say it's safer than crossing the road.
Yes, but we have to do that too.
Best not to think about it.
HUGE ROAR OVERHEAD Oh, no! That plane is going to crash on us.
HUGE EXPLOSION Closed Captions by CSI