The Young Ones (1982) s02e06 Episode Script
Summer Holiday
Once in every lifetime Comes a love like this Oh, I need you, you need me Oh, my darling, can't you see? Young ones Darling, we're the young ones The young ones (RICK) # Shouldn't be afraid To live, love There's a song to be sung 'Cause we may not be the young ones very long - Michael? - Don't broadcast the handle, Vyv.
My safety means nothing, but the innocent must be protected.
Uh Right.
Andrea? - Yes? - Do you think ants go to discos? Vyvyan, it's proved that ants are highly intelligent, with a well-ordered society.
Why would they go to discos? Well, why is that one wearing a silver boob tube, then? Simple, Vyvyan.
You're talking crap.
(LAUGHS) You'd have to get up pretty early to catch you out, Michael.
You'd have to stay up all night.
God, I'm bored.
Term only finished four hours ago and already I'm bored.
School's out foreverI Yeah, let all your hairs hang out! Do whatever you want! What's all the excitement, Rick? Has education been cut altogether? That's the reason I voted Tory.
We're on holiday! I finished my last exam and the summer term is over! Over? I didn't know it had started.
Oh, yes, Michael.
That's right.
Your tutor said that if you don't turn up again next year, then he and the Dean might reconsider your grant.
Well, tell him that I've still got the photographs of him and the Dean.
I'll ask for one of those PhDs next year.
Ah! Summer holidays.
Twelve weeks with nothing to do, and the sun's shining already.
Hey, it's like when you were little, in the garden in your underpants.
And you used to put fruit down them and pretend to be pirates.
Then, when your parents went out, you used to take off your clothes and wriggle around in the sandpit.
- Oh, great! Here comes Neil! - It was terrible.
I sat there and put my Polos on the desk and my spare pencil and my support gonk and my chewing gum and extra pen and my extra Polos and lucky gonk and my pencil sharpener shaped like a cracker and three more gonks with Polos and lead for my retractable pencil and my retractable pencil and spare lead for my retractable pencil and chewing gum and pencils and pens and more gonks, and the guy said, ''Stop writing, please.
'' You must tell me that story again sometime.
Neil, you've got the intelligence of an ant.
Has he? Neil, do you go to discos? Did you know that humans can actually build bridges? Really? How do they get them into the disco? One of the great things about summer is tea on the lawn.
Unless you're an ant, in which case, it's a real bottomer.
No, Vyvyan, it's a bummer.
Summer is a bummer.
Oh, God, Neil! You're such a killjoy.
Hey, I know what Neil writes in public lavatories.
''Look out.
Killjoy was here.
'' Yeah, that's a really good idea.
Let's all bring Neil down.
That'd relieve the boredom.
Would it? OK.
Um Shut up Neil, you ugly poo-faced git! - Your turn, Michael.
- Oh, thanks, Vyv.
What's ugly, smelly, boring, and is standing in front of me called Neil? - Me.
- Perfectly correct.
- You all really hate me, don't you? - Yes, we do, Neil.
That is, when we can remember who you are Umthingummyjig! (ROARS) (VYVYAN) What's happened to your clothes, Neil? I think I'd better go and lie down for a bit, actually.
God, I hate him.
He's a bore, he's a sneak, - and he's a bloody eavesdropper.
- I heard that, Rick.
- Henry? - Shut your face, saucepan-tits! Can't you see I'm busy? Darren, stop that! Yes, don't put your tongue in Rover's ear.
It's unhygienic.
I only want to taste his brains.
- (SCREECHES) La-de-da-de-da! - All right, Granny? Granny? - She's doing her voodoo.
- Can I go out? I shouldn't think so.
I've nailed your feet to the floor.
- La-de-da-de-da! - For Christ's sake, Rosemary, tell your mother to keep that stupid bird quiet! Why don't you stick them both in a home? (SHOUTS IN PAIN) - What's in this, you stupid bitch? - Oh, for goodness' sake! I don't know who said you could use my room - Actually, I've got a good idea.
- Me, too.
(WHACK) (ROSEMARY) Nice here, though.
(HENRY) It's all right.
Even mindless violence seems boring today.
No more English, no more French, no more bloody anything at all.
Where's Vyvyan? Well, he said he was going to water his plant.
Strange that such a ruthless and sadistic maniac as Vyvyan should care for a begonia.
- He's had it two years.
- And it was dead when he got it.
Still, he's watered it every day.
He can't be bothered to go upstairs to the lavatory.
Bored! Bored! Bored! Bored! Bored! Bored! Bored! Bored! Bored! (LAUGHS) Well, why don't we play a game? - Oh, boring! - No, come along.
What about Botticelli? You have to guess the famous person.
What about Jelly Botty, where you have to eat 18 curries? Very, very amusing.
No, come on.
Come on.
Let's play Botticelli! Come on.
I'll start.
I'm ''A''.
- What? - No, I'm ''A''.
- Banana.
- What? - You're ''a'' banana.
- No, you don't understand.
- A moron? - You've got it wrong.
My name begins with the letter A.
- Rick isn't your real name? - Of course it is.
- It begins with A? - Of course not.
- Could be a silent A.
- No, it's a silent P.
What? Oh, yes! Tee-hee, Vyvyan.
Must be five minutes since you made that joke.
And I know who drew that thingummyjig on the back of my curriculum vitae! They like to know your hobbies, Rick.
Well, tiny things please tiny minds.
With a thing that tiny, you'll be hard put to please anything.
Oh! Listen, it's what you do with it that counts! Can we get on with the game? This is getting tedious.
- I was beginning to enjoy myself.
- I'll give you an example.
Now, I think of a famous person, right? Say Neil Armstrong.
I give you the first letter of their second name - ''A''.
- Then you have to guess who I am.
- All right.
Let me try.
- Are you Neil Armstrong? - No, no.
I mean, yes, but you're not allowed to ask me directly.
You say something like, ''Were you the first man on the moon?'' Were you the first man on the moon? - Good.
Now, say I don't know - Neil Armstrong.
Yes, but supposing I didn't know that.
- You'd be stupid.
I've told you.
- Yes, but say I'd forgotten, then you can ask me if I'm a man or a woman.
- Pervert! - Oh, this is getting stupid! Look, let's start again.
I'm ''S''.
''S''.
Were you the first man on the moon? Are you a 12th-century druid and political activist? Ooh, yes! I know this one! Um Oh, God! It's on the tip of my tongue.
Uh no, you'll have to tell me, Michael.
- Ken Smith.
- Of course! - Are you dead or alive? - Wait.
A 12th-century druid and political activist - Ken Smith? Are you sure? - Of course.
I only just made it up.
- Honestly, people! - Are we playing properly? - I've got one.
Do you make loads of money by sticking your fist up a duck's bottom? No, I'm not Keith Harris! And his name begins with H, you cheat! Wait, wait.
Do you give up? Do we stop playing this stupid game? - Of course.
- (BOTH) We give up.
- And I'm the best? - (BOTH) Yes.
Right.
I'll tell you, then.
I was Paul Squires! (BOTH) Who? Surprise! - I know.
Let's play cricket! - Yes! - Rick, you're the stumps.
- Thanks, Mike.
- I'm what? - Shut up, nerdy.
Surprise! - What's a hippie worth? Six? - Six? It would be six if you'd killed him.
- Let's say two.
- Fair enough.
- I don't want to play.
- Rick, shut up.
- Howzat! - Nice one.
- You win.
- What's my prize? - The ashes.
Just burn the stumps.
- Great.
- Surprise! - More of a shock, Neil.
It's not every day somebody sets fire to you during a cricket match.
Shut up, Rick.
No one's on fire.
Neil, it's rare that you interest me, but you have.
Why do you keep coming in, carrying a cake, saying, ''Surprise''? It's my birthday.
You knew that and we don't care, so where's the surprise? I baked a cake.
A cake? Can a cake dance? Can it get you drunk? Will it let you put your hand up its jumper? I don't know, Mike, but we're having a party, and you're invited, 'cause you're my fr Well, you pretend to be Well, you don't even pretend to be my friends.
You hate me.
If I was in hospital dying, you wouldn't even bother to visit me.
Just like my mother.
Everybody hates me.
But we're having a party, and you're here, so you might as well enjoy yourselves.
(MAN) Stop thatI Stop it nowI Go on.
Rub it off.
Oh, now look what you've doneI Get the picture back before Elephant Head starts singingI Oh, too lateI Think it over Stop, in the name of love Hi, Vyv.
Having a good time? Yeah.
Great.
Great.
Uh I'm glad you could make it to my party.
Well, thanks for inviting me, Neil.
I so rarely get a chance to go out these days.
Yeah, great.
Oh, excuse me.
I just have to go and circulate.
Catch you later, OK? Hi, Mike.
It's going well, isn't it? I was worried before.
You know how you get before a party.
''Is everyone going to turn up?'' - This is great, isn't it? - Yeah.
Yeah, and just about everyone I invited is here.
- Where's the booze? - Yeah, hippie, where's the bloody lager? I was drinking something puffy And the girl just looked straight through me So I had a pint of Hawk And now she's gonna screw me What about Babycham? One glass of that and I'm anybody's! Then it's a pity that absolutely nobody wants you, then.
Shut up, or I'll tell everybody in this room that you've got an iron-on cartoon worm on your Y-fronts that says ''girl bait.
'' Oh, you've been going through my Y-fronts, have you? I suppose you fancy me, is that it? Yes! As a matter of fact, I do.
I really fancy you, and I want to give you a big kiss on the bottom! Urgh, Mike! Mike! Vyvyan's gone all funny! Urgh! He says he wants to kiss my bottom! Oh, did I say kiss you on the bottom? I meant, ''Stick an axe through your spinal column!'' - Oh, no! My party's having a row! - No booze, Neil.
Tempers fray.
Yeah, I'm very sober and very, very bored! Wait.
I know.
TV time.
Yeah.
(MUSIC: ''GOD SAVE THE QUEEN'') Why are they closing down? It's only half past nine.
- It's BBC1, Rick.
- Oh, right.
Not this band again.
They're always on! Crap! What about some Hawkwind or Marillion? Yeah, fascists! No one tells me what time to go to bed! - Go to bed, spotty.
- Blimey! - (TESTSIGNAL) - That's better.
Oh, turn it off, Neil.
No, this is really good.
(SINGS) Ooooh! (CRACKLES AND FIZZES) Oh, Vyvyan.
I was just getting into that.
I'm bored and deserve to die.
This is the end.
Armageddon! No future! Bastard! Well, thank goodness I haven't got to stay with you ghastly so-and-sos.
- I can't wait to get home.
- Oh, sorry.
I forgot.
- You had a phone call.
- Did I? It was probably Mummy, asking what train I'll be getting.
She gets so overexcited when she hears I'm coming.
She's probably started making shepherd's pies already.
Actually, I don't think she'll be making any more shepherd's pies.
And Daddy, so he's an old square and votes Tory, but he's got where he is by hard slog, and he's got to put tax concessions first.
Daddy will be chuffed when he hears about my exam results.
Touch wood! We argue about politics all the time.
Did he ask about my exams? I don't think so.
He wouldn't be able to.
I wonder if they've redecorated my bedroom, because I'll never let them! Rick, your parents died this morning.
I suppose it's a bit childish to have aeroplanes on your wallpaper.
But they are blue, and I am a boy! At least I was last time I looked! - My parents are dead? - So, I guess you're staying here.
I I can't believe it.
My parents are dead.
- You think that's bad? - Yes, I do, actually, piss-face! - Shut up.
You're ruining my holiday.
- What about my holiday?! Both my parents are dead! The selfish bastards! I was going to spend the summer with them! Shut up, right.
Shut up and listen, right, for once.
All the bad things that have happened to you have happened to me before, twice as badly, for twice as long, so shut up.
- Shut up yourself! - Both of you shut up! - Everybody shut up! - Who are you, telling me to shut up? Yeah, who are you? A cinema commissionaire? - He thinks he's Giant Haystacks.
- Or José Feliciano.
Someone with a girl's name, anyway.
Look on the bright side.
The holiday can't get any worse.
- Evening, boys! - (All) Oh, no! Hey, guys, some sod broke your window.
That's £18 you owe me.
Go away, Balowski.
This is a private party.
Ba-Ba-Ba, Ba-Barbara Ann.
Ba-ba-ba, Ba-Bar Oh, some sod broke your chair.
That's what happens at parties.
That's another £27 you owe me.
- Could you come back later? - Next year? Mr Balowski, you're the worst landlord ever! You think I'm the worst landlord ever? You should see me! I'm so funny! (GROWLS) Wow! That was amazing! OK, the beautiful items that Jerzei has given you, the Western consumer items, let's see what you've done with them.
- Number One, a beautiful TV set.
- Smashed.
That's £97 you owe me.
Number two Number twos! Number Two, one beautiful Afghan carpet that I bought at Top Shop.
- That's OK.
- A bit bloodstained, but - And some puke.
- What exactly is this? Is this a zoo? Do we say, ''See the elephants at Jerzei's house''? No, we don't.
I'll charge you £2,000 for parking that there.
And finally, one beautiful Huntley & Palmers-style fridge.
(EXPLOSION) Oh, no! I never knew I wore a wig.
Urgh! The bad new is, you owe me £1,400 in back rent, damages and hire of your fancy swimwear for 17 years.
- And you are all evicted.
- Oh, ruddy heck! Hello.
Let me introduce myself.
I'm God.
You didn't expect a woman, did you? Welcome to your Jerzei Homes showhouse.
What a great house it is.
We don't need some old actor in a helicopter to sell you a Jerzei Home, because Jerzei Homes are great.
They're crazy.
You get furniture with the emphasis on comedy.
It's zany.
It's crazy.
It's wild.
It's the wackiest house on television! If it isn't, may God strike me dead! The way that you run And the way that you walk is all body talk The way you move your hips And the way that your lips hold your cigarettes If you gonna laugh, if you're gonna cry Oh, honey, you give it away with your body talk Every time you breathe And every time you sneeze, body talk If you're having a good time Or are just plain bored or undecided If you're thinking of me passionately Hmm-hmm, I can see by body talk (SNORES) Can you hear my body talking? Can you hear my body talking? Can you hear my body shouting? I'm making so much noise with my body I'll bloody well make his body talk.
Whey-hey-heyI - God, I can't live like this.
- You wanted to live on the road.
Thatcher's Britain.
Thatcher's bloody Britain! Look at me.
I'm young.
I'm pretty.
I've got five O-Levels.
Blummin' good grades, considering I didn't work because I'm hard.
And look at me now.
Homeless, cold and prostitute.
- Destitute, Rick.
- Glory be and save us! Do we have to mince words? Anyway, I can sell my body if I want.
Who cares? I'm gorgeous! I am sex! Women want me and will pay, so keep your phony morality! It's dog-eat-cat, and you won't find me in a tin of Pedigree Chum.
- You can't be a destitute, Rick.
- Why not, prudey square? Well, who'd want to go to bed with you? Look, dawn's coming up.
(ALL) Hi, dawn.
Hello, boys.
- Hi, Dawn.
- Hi, boys! Haven't seen you since the end of term.
Why are you in the gutter? We got evicted by a complete bastard.
Oh, never mind.
Our results are through.
That should cheer you up.
I've just been to get mine early, because I'm such a girlie swot.
I knew I was going to do brilliantly, and I did.
Ciao.
Dawn.
Dawn.
Hi.
Obviously, you're feeling pretty good about everything.
I was wondering if you fancied celebrating by letting me show you a really good time obviously for lots of money.
- All right.
- What? - All right.
How much have you got? - Oh, no.
You pay me.
You must be joking! Look, here comes the postman.
Vyvyan, why do you keep telling us what's happening next? Because it's a studio set, and they can't afford long shots.
Guten Morgen, meine kleines Freundliches.
Bloody hell! Give them a uniform and they think they're Hitler.
I brought your exam results.
I opened them.
I didn't think you'd mind.
Exam results! Great! This is my ticket out of the gutter.
There's big bucks for a guy with a degree in domestic science.
Mrs Thatcher's certainly got this country on its feet.
You have come bottom in the whole world.
Hooray! - Who came top out of us? - You, Neil.
Then Mike, then Vyvyan, then Rick.
Ha! You bloody little swot, Neil! - You bloody swot! - I came top out of us.
Oh, who cares about exams? Who cares about life? Who cares about me? Not me, that's for sure! Look.
I just don't care.
I care.
I'm used to high and easy living.
I know about dirt.
I used to eat it.
I'm never going back, you hear? - (RICK) What? - I'm never going back! I swear now that whatever I do, I'll never be poor or hungry again.
OK, guys.
I've got a plan.
Now, listen carefully.
(WHISPERING) - You got that? - Yeah.
We go, ''Psshh.
'' Brilliant.
Mike, Mike, don't you think robbing a bank is? Well, it's tantamount to stealing, really.
C'mon, let's do it! White riot.
Stand down, Margaret.
I've got hate in my eyes.
I've got a one-way ticket to oblivion and I'm gonna raise hell getting there! - Let's do it.
- Yeah! You mean now?! - I've got the stocks, Michael.
- What? You said we need stocks on our heads.
Stockings, Vyvyan! Like tights.
Urgh! I'm not putting my head where some horrid girlie's bottom has been.
I will! No, it doesn't matter.
This is a one-off job.
All right, take these.
Now, just say I didn't get them at Tesco's, OK? - I didn't get them at Tesco's, OK? - Shut up! Now, for God's sake, don't go using them.
- Why not, Mike? - Yeah! Robin Hood! Baader-Meinhof! They didn't have to become bank clerks.
They knew the risks.
Let's let them have it! We can't.
If we do that, they may discover these are water pistols.
- Brilliant! - Has everybody got their alibis? - (ALL) Yes.
- Vyvyan? - It was Rick.
- Neil? - It was Rick.
- Rick.
- It was me.
- What's your alibi? I don't need one.
I phone the police.
OK, Vyv, keep the engine running.
The getaway car is the most essential element in any robbery.
Message received and understood.
All right! ''Dog Day Afternoon''.
Typical.
The place is completely packed.
- Why don't they put more staff on? - Yeah.
And if we join one queue, the other is bound to start moving quickly.
If we join that one, then the other one will start moving quickly.
Whichever queue we're in, the guy in front will be from a penny arcade cashing up millions of pennies.
All right, Mr Real Robber, the manager will see you now.
The solution is simple.
We join separate queues.
The one who gets served first starts the robbery.
I'd like to open a bank account, please.
- Good morning, sir.
- You need a steady job, cash, and a reference from your bank manager.
Hello.
Do you work here? Yeah, the penny arcade across the road.
I've pushed the alarm and the police will be here soon.
- Put the money in the sack.
- Of course, yes.
Banks are only open for about five minutes a day.
The only people there are unemployed, who aren't supposed to have money.
- Good morning, sir.
- Hello, I - Good morning, sir.
- Yes, hello - Good morning, sir.
- Shut up! Excuse me.
This is our ''good morning'' window, where customers experience the nice face of the bank.
For financial transactions, try any other window.
Look, I'm not queuing again! All I want (LOUDHAILER) This is the police.
please be calm.
A robbery is taking place.
Lie down on the floor and await instructions.
We have the place surrounded.
Bloody pigs! I didn't finish my sentence.
Mike, the bank's being robbed.
Quick, get down! - We're doing the robbery! - Oh, yeah.
All right.
If they won't let us out, we'll shoot a hostage.
Yeah.
Let's shoot Neil.
What? Oh, yeah.
OK, if you think it will help.
I don't mind.
It's only water pistols.
- (RICK) Shh! - I told you that was our secret! - Water pistols?! - Good morning, sir.
Neil, you've ruined it.
I never got to shout, ''Give me the money.
'' - What?! - Bloody hell! Quick! We did it! We bloody did it! And it was mostly me! - Come on! - We did it! We did it! Oh, what have I done? (SOBS) Come on.
There's no time for that.
My car! My beautiful, beautiful car! (SIRENS) Oh, no! The pigs! This is it, guys! I'll see you later! Oh.
Yellow chicken! (WAILS) Forget about your car, Vyvyan.
Start again without it.
- After all, you've still got SPG.
- I don't think so, Michael.
He was asleep on the radiator.
(BAGPIPES) I'll see you later, you wimp.
We've got our whole lives ahead of us.
It's just that we'll be spending them in prison.
- Oh, yeah? - Oh, yeah.
Oh, no! (INAUDIBLE) (GUITAR PLAYS OFF-KEY) (ALL SING) # We're all going on a summer holiday No more working for a week or two Fun and laughter on a summer holiday (TUNELESS WAILING) (OFF-KEY) - Yes! Yes! It's really happening! - Basingstoke, 35 miles! This is what I call riding in a double-decker bus.
Right on.
I'm aboard the Freedom Bus, heading for Good Time City, and I haven't even paid my fare! Look, we need to pick up some great girls whose car has broken down, and they can cook and clean.
Yes, girls like Una Stubbs.
Una Stubbs! Yeah, fantastic! We can all play charades.
Charades?! Ha! More like nudie plod games.
(TYRES SCREECH) What's the difference? There'll be plenty of chicks on the road.
This is it! It's really happening! Who needs qualifications? Who cares about Thatcher and unemployment? We can do whatever we want to do! And do you know why? Because we're young ones.
Bachelor boys! Crazy, mad, wild-eyed, big-bottomed anarchists! Look out! Cliff! (BRAKES SCREECH) (ALL) Phew! That was close!
My safety means nothing, but the innocent must be protected.
Uh Right.
Andrea? - Yes? - Do you think ants go to discos? Vyvyan, it's proved that ants are highly intelligent, with a well-ordered society.
Why would they go to discos? Well, why is that one wearing a silver boob tube, then? Simple, Vyvyan.
You're talking crap.
(LAUGHS) You'd have to get up pretty early to catch you out, Michael.
You'd have to stay up all night.
God, I'm bored.
Term only finished four hours ago and already I'm bored.
School's out foreverI Yeah, let all your hairs hang out! Do whatever you want! What's all the excitement, Rick? Has education been cut altogether? That's the reason I voted Tory.
We're on holiday! I finished my last exam and the summer term is over! Over? I didn't know it had started.
Oh, yes, Michael.
That's right.
Your tutor said that if you don't turn up again next year, then he and the Dean might reconsider your grant.
Well, tell him that I've still got the photographs of him and the Dean.
I'll ask for one of those PhDs next year.
Ah! Summer holidays.
Twelve weeks with nothing to do, and the sun's shining already.
Hey, it's like when you were little, in the garden in your underpants.
And you used to put fruit down them and pretend to be pirates.
Then, when your parents went out, you used to take off your clothes and wriggle around in the sandpit.
- Oh, great! Here comes Neil! - It was terrible.
I sat there and put my Polos on the desk and my spare pencil and my support gonk and my chewing gum and extra pen and my extra Polos and lucky gonk and my pencil sharpener shaped like a cracker and three more gonks with Polos and lead for my retractable pencil and my retractable pencil and spare lead for my retractable pencil and chewing gum and pencils and pens and more gonks, and the guy said, ''Stop writing, please.
'' You must tell me that story again sometime.
Neil, you've got the intelligence of an ant.
Has he? Neil, do you go to discos? Did you know that humans can actually build bridges? Really? How do they get them into the disco? One of the great things about summer is tea on the lawn.
Unless you're an ant, in which case, it's a real bottomer.
No, Vyvyan, it's a bummer.
Summer is a bummer.
Oh, God, Neil! You're such a killjoy.
Hey, I know what Neil writes in public lavatories.
''Look out.
Killjoy was here.
'' Yeah, that's a really good idea.
Let's all bring Neil down.
That'd relieve the boredom.
Would it? OK.
Um Shut up Neil, you ugly poo-faced git! - Your turn, Michael.
- Oh, thanks, Vyv.
What's ugly, smelly, boring, and is standing in front of me called Neil? - Me.
- Perfectly correct.
- You all really hate me, don't you? - Yes, we do, Neil.
That is, when we can remember who you are Umthingummyjig! (ROARS) (VYVYAN) What's happened to your clothes, Neil? I think I'd better go and lie down for a bit, actually.
God, I hate him.
He's a bore, he's a sneak, - and he's a bloody eavesdropper.
- I heard that, Rick.
- Henry? - Shut your face, saucepan-tits! Can't you see I'm busy? Darren, stop that! Yes, don't put your tongue in Rover's ear.
It's unhygienic.
I only want to taste his brains.
- (SCREECHES) La-de-da-de-da! - All right, Granny? Granny? - She's doing her voodoo.
- Can I go out? I shouldn't think so.
I've nailed your feet to the floor.
- La-de-da-de-da! - For Christ's sake, Rosemary, tell your mother to keep that stupid bird quiet! Why don't you stick them both in a home? (SHOUTS IN PAIN) - What's in this, you stupid bitch? - Oh, for goodness' sake! I don't know who said you could use my room - Actually, I've got a good idea.
- Me, too.
(WHACK) (ROSEMARY) Nice here, though.
(HENRY) It's all right.
Even mindless violence seems boring today.
No more English, no more French, no more bloody anything at all.
Where's Vyvyan? Well, he said he was going to water his plant.
Strange that such a ruthless and sadistic maniac as Vyvyan should care for a begonia.
- He's had it two years.
- And it was dead when he got it.
Still, he's watered it every day.
He can't be bothered to go upstairs to the lavatory.
Bored! Bored! Bored! Bored! Bored! Bored! Bored! Bored! Bored! (LAUGHS) Well, why don't we play a game? - Oh, boring! - No, come along.
What about Botticelli? You have to guess the famous person.
What about Jelly Botty, where you have to eat 18 curries? Very, very amusing.
No, come on.
Come on.
Let's play Botticelli! Come on.
I'll start.
I'm ''A''.
- What? - No, I'm ''A''.
- Banana.
- What? - You're ''a'' banana.
- No, you don't understand.
- A moron? - You've got it wrong.
My name begins with the letter A.
- Rick isn't your real name? - Of course it is.
- It begins with A? - Of course not.
- Could be a silent A.
- No, it's a silent P.
What? Oh, yes! Tee-hee, Vyvyan.
Must be five minutes since you made that joke.
And I know who drew that thingummyjig on the back of my curriculum vitae! They like to know your hobbies, Rick.
Well, tiny things please tiny minds.
With a thing that tiny, you'll be hard put to please anything.
Oh! Listen, it's what you do with it that counts! Can we get on with the game? This is getting tedious.
- I was beginning to enjoy myself.
- I'll give you an example.
Now, I think of a famous person, right? Say Neil Armstrong.
I give you the first letter of their second name - ''A''.
- Then you have to guess who I am.
- All right.
Let me try.
- Are you Neil Armstrong? - No, no.
I mean, yes, but you're not allowed to ask me directly.
You say something like, ''Were you the first man on the moon?'' Were you the first man on the moon? - Good.
Now, say I don't know - Neil Armstrong.
Yes, but supposing I didn't know that.
- You'd be stupid.
I've told you.
- Yes, but say I'd forgotten, then you can ask me if I'm a man or a woman.
- Pervert! - Oh, this is getting stupid! Look, let's start again.
I'm ''S''.
''S''.
Were you the first man on the moon? Are you a 12th-century druid and political activist? Ooh, yes! I know this one! Um Oh, God! It's on the tip of my tongue.
Uh no, you'll have to tell me, Michael.
- Ken Smith.
- Of course! - Are you dead or alive? - Wait.
A 12th-century druid and political activist - Ken Smith? Are you sure? - Of course.
I only just made it up.
- Honestly, people! - Are we playing properly? - I've got one.
Do you make loads of money by sticking your fist up a duck's bottom? No, I'm not Keith Harris! And his name begins with H, you cheat! Wait, wait.
Do you give up? Do we stop playing this stupid game? - Of course.
- (BOTH) We give up.
- And I'm the best? - (BOTH) Yes.
Right.
I'll tell you, then.
I was Paul Squires! (BOTH) Who? Surprise! - I know.
Let's play cricket! - Yes! - Rick, you're the stumps.
- Thanks, Mike.
- I'm what? - Shut up, nerdy.
Surprise! - What's a hippie worth? Six? - Six? It would be six if you'd killed him.
- Let's say two.
- Fair enough.
- I don't want to play.
- Rick, shut up.
- Howzat! - Nice one.
- You win.
- What's my prize? - The ashes.
Just burn the stumps.
- Great.
- Surprise! - More of a shock, Neil.
It's not every day somebody sets fire to you during a cricket match.
Shut up, Rick.
No one's on fire.
Neil, it's rare that you interest me, but you have.
Why do you keep coming in, carrying a cake, saying, ''Surprise''? It's my birthday.
You knew that and we don't care, so where's the surprise? I baked a cake.
A cake? Can a cake dance? Can it get you drunk? Will it let you put your hand up its jumper? I don't know, Mike, but we're having a party, and you're invited, 'cause you're my fr Well, you pretend to be Well, you don't even pretend to be my friends.
You hate me.
If I was in hospital dying, you wouldn't even bother to visit me.
Just like my mother.
Everybody hates me.
But we're having a party, and you're here, so you might as well enjoy yourselves.
(MAN) Stop thatI Stop it nowI Go on.
Rub it off.
Oh, now look what you've doneI Get the picture back before Elephant Head starts singingI Oh, too lateI Think it over Stop, in the name of love Hi, Vyv.
Having a good time? Yeah.
Great.
Great.
Uh I'm glad you could make it to my party.
Well, thanks for inviting me, Neil.
I so rarely get a chance to go out these days.
Yeah, great.
Oh, excuse me.
I just have to go and circulate.
Catch you later, OK? Hi, Mike.
It's going well, isn't it? I was worried before.
You know how you get before a party.
''Is everyone going to turn up?'' - This is great, isn't it? - Yeah.
Yeah, and just about everyone I invited is here.
- Where's the booze? - Yeah, hippie, where's the bloody lager? I was drinking something puffy And the girl just looked straight through me So I had a pint of Hawk And now she's gonna screw me What about Babycham? One glass of that and I'm anybody's! Then it's a pity that absolutely nobody wants you, then.
Shut up, or I'll tell everybody in this room that you've got an iron-on cartoon worm on your Y-fronts that says ''girl bait.
'' Oh, you've been going through my Y-fronts, have you? I suppose you fancy me, is that it? Yes! As a matter of fact, I do.
I really fancy you, and I want to give you a big kiss on the bottom! Urgh, Mike! Mike! Vyvyan's gone all funny! Urgh! He says he wants to kiss my bottom! Oh, did I say kiss you on the bottom? I meant, ''Stick an axe through your spinal column!'' - Oh, no! My party's having a row! - No booze, Neil.
Tempers fray.
Yeah, I'm very sober and very, very bored! Wait.
I know.
TV time.
Yeah.
(MUSIC: ''GOD SAVE THE QUEEN'') Why are they closing down? It's only half past nine.
- It's BBC1, Rick.
- Oh, right.
Not this band again.
They're always on! Crap! What about some Hawkwind or Marillion? Yeah, fascists! No one tells me what time to go to bed! - Go to bed, spotty.
- Blimey! - (TESTSIGNAL) - That's better.
Oh, turn it off, Neil.
No, this is really good.
(SINGS) Ooooh! (CRACKLES AND FIZZES) Oh, Vyvyan.
I was just getting into that.
I'm bored and deserve to die.
This is the end.
Armageddon! No future! Bastard! Well, thank goodness I haven't got to stay with you ghastly so-and-sos.
- I can't wait to get home.
- Oh, sorry.
I forgot.
- You had a phone call.
- Did I? It was probably Mummy, asking what train I'll be getting.
She gets so overexcited when she hears I'm coming.
She's probably started making shepherd's pies already.
Actually, I don't think she'll be making any more shepherd's pies.
And Daddy, so he's an old square and votes Tory, but he's got where he is by hard slog, and he's got to put tax concessions first.
Daddy will be chuffed when he hears about my exam results.
Touch wood! We argue about politics all the time.
Did he ask about my exams? I don't think so.
He wouldn't be able to.
I wonder if they've redecorated my bedroom, because I'll never let them! Rick, your parents died this morning.
I suppose it's a bit childish to have aeroplanes on your wallpaper.
But they are blue, and I am a boy! At least I was last time I looked! - My parents are dead? - So, I guess you're staying here.
I I can't believe it.
My parents are dead.
- You think that's bad? - Yes, I do, actually, piss-face! - Shut up.
You're ruining my holiday.
- What about my holiday?! Both my parents are dead! The selfish bastards! I was going to spend the summer with them! Shut up, right.
Shut up and listen, right, for once.
All the bad things that have happened to you have happened to me before, twice as badly, for twice as long, so shut up.
- Shut up yourself! - Both of you shut up! - Everybody shut up! - Who are you, telling me to shut up? Yeah, who are you? A cinema commissionaire? - He thinks he's Giant Haystacks.
- Or José Feliciano.
Someone with a girl's name, anyway.
Look on the bright side.
The holiday can't get any worse.
- Evening, boys! - (All) Oh, no! Hey, guys, some sod broke your window.
That's £18 you owe me.
Go away, Balowski.
This is a private party.
Ba-Ba-Ba, Ba-Barbara Ann.
Ba-ba-ba, Ba-Bar Oh, some sod broke your chair.
That's what happens at parties.
That's another £27 you owe me.
- Could you come back later? - Next year? Mr Balowski, you're the worst landlord ever! You think I'm the worst landlord ever? You should see me! I'm so funny! (GROWLS) Wow! That was amazing! OK, the beautiful items that Jerzei has given you, the Western consumer items, let's see what you've done with them.
- Number One, a beautiful TV set.
- Smashed.
That's £97 you owe me.
Number two Number twos! Number Two, one beautiful Afghan carpet that I bought at Top Shop.
- That's OK.
- A bit bloodstained, but - And some puke.
- What exactly is this? Is this a zoo? Do we say, ''See the elephants at Jerzei's house''? No, we don't.
I'll charge you £2,000 for parking that there.
And finally, one beautiful Huntley & Palmers-style fridge.
(EXPLOSION) Oh, no! I never knew I wore a wig.
Urgh! The bad new is, you owe me £1,400 in back rent, damages and hire of your fancy swimwear for 17 years.
- And you are all evicted.
- Oh, ruddy heck! Hello.
Let me introduce myself.
I'm God.
You didn't expect a woman, did you? Welcome to your Jerzei Homes showhouse.
What a great house it is.
We don't need some old actor in a helicopter to sell you a Jerzei Home, because Jerzei Homes are great.
They're crazy.
You get furniture with the emphasis on comedy.
It's zany.
It's crazy.
It's wild.
It's the wackiest house on television! If it isn't, may God strike me dead! The way that you run And the way that you walk is all body talk The way you move your hips And the way that your lips hold your cigarettes If you gonna laugh, if you're gonna cry Oh, honey, you give it away with your body talk Every time you breathe And every time you sneeze, body talk If you're having a good time Or are just plain bored or undecided If you're thinking of me passionately Hmm-hmm, I can see by body talk (SNORES) Can you hear my body talking? Can you hear my body talking? Can you hear my body shouting? I'm making so much noise with my body I'll bloody well make his body talk.
Whey-hey-heyI - God, I can't live like this.
- You wanted to live on the road.
Thatcher's Britain.
Thatcher's bloody Britain! Look at me.
I'm young.
I'm pretty.
I've got five O-Levels.
Blummin' good grades, considering I didn't work because I'm hard.
And look at me now.
Homeless, cold and prostitute.
- Destitute, Rick.
- Glory be and save us! Do we have to mince words? Anyway, I can sell my body if I want.
Who cares? I'm gorgeous! I am sex! Women want me and will pay, so keep your phony morality! It's dog-eat-cat, and you won't find me in a tin of Pedigree Chum.
- You can't be a destitute, Rick.
- Why not, prudey square? Well, who'd want to go to bed with you? Look, dawn's coming up.
(ALL) Hi, dawn.
Hello, boys.
- Hi, Dawn.
- Hi, boys! Haven't seen you since the end of term.
Why are you in the gutter? We got evicted by a complete bastard.
Oh, never mind.
Our results are through.
That should cheer you up.
I've just been to get mine early, because I'm such a girlie swot.
I knew I was going to do brilliantly, and I did.
Ciao.
Dawn.
Dawn.
Hi.
Obviously, you're feeling pretty good about everything.
I was wondering if you fancied celebrating by letting me show you a really good time obviously for lots of money.
- All right.
- What? - All right.
How much have you got? - Oh, no.
You pay me.
You must be joking! Look, here comes the postman.
Vyvyan, why do you keep telling us what's happening next? Because it's a studio set, and they can't afford long shots.
Guten Morgen, meine kleines Freundliches.
Bloody hell! Give them a uniform and they think they're Hitler.
I brought your exam results.
I opened them.
I didn't think you'd mind.
Exam results! Great! This is my ticket out of the gutter.
There's big bucks for a guy with a degree in domestic science.
Mrs Thatcher's certainly got this country on its feet.
You have come bottom in the whole world.
Hooray! - Who came top out of us? - You, Neil.
Then Mike, then Vyvyan, then Rick.
Ha! You bloody little swot, Neil! - You bloody swot! - I came top out of us.
Oh, who cares about exams? Who cares about life? Who cares about me? Not me, that's for sure! Look.
I just don't care.
I care.
I'm used to high and easy living.
I know about dirt.
I used to eat it.
I'm never going back, you hear? - (RICK) What? - I'm never going back! I swear now that whatever I do, I'll never be poor or hungry again.
OK, guys.
I've got a plan.
Now, listen carefully.
(WHISPERING) - You got that? - Yeah.
We go, ''Psshh.
'' Brilliant.
Mike, Mike, don't you think robbing a bank is? Well, it's tantamount to stealing, really.
C'mon, let's do it! White riot.
Stand down, Margaret.
I've got hate in my eyes.
I've got a one-way ticket to oblivion and I'm gonna raise hell getting there! - Let's do it.
- Yeah! You mean now?! - I've got the stocks, Michael.
- What? You said we need stocks on our heads.
Stockings, Vyvyan! Like tights.
Urgh! I'm not putting my head where some horrid girlie's bottom has been.
I will! No, it doesn't matter.
This is a one-off job.
All right, take these.
Now, just say I didn't get them at Tesco's, OK? - I didn't get them at Tesco's, OK? - Shut up! Now, for God's sake, don't go using them.
- Why not, Mike? - Yeah! Robin Hood! Baader-Meinhof! They didn't have to become bank clerks.
They knew the risks.
Let's let them have it! We can't.
If we do that, they may discover these are water pistols.
- Brilliant! - Has everybody got their alibis? - (ALL) Yes.
- Vyvyan? - It was Rick.
- Neil? - It was Rick.
- Rick.
- It was me.
- What's your alibi? I don't need one.
I phone the police.
OK, Vyv, keep the engine running.
The getaway car is the most essential element in any robbery.
Message received and understood.
All right! ''Dog Day Afternoon''.
Typical.
The place is completely packed.
- Why don't they put more staff on? - Yeah.
And if we join one queue, the other is bound to start moving quickly.
If we join that one, then the other one will start moving quickly.
Whichever queue we're in, the guy in front will be from a penny arcade cashing up millions of pennies.
All right, Mr Real Robber, the manager will see you now.
The solution is simple.
We join separate queues.
The one who gets served first starts the robbery.
I'd like to open a bank account, please.
- Good morning, sir.
- You need a steady job, cash, and a reference from your bank manager.
Hello.
Do you work here? Yeah, the penny arcade across the road.
I've pushed the alarm and the police will be here soon.
- Put the money in the sack.
- Of course, yes.
Banks are only open for about five minutes a day.
The only people there are unemployed, who aren't supposed to have money.
- Good morning, sir.
- Hello, I - Good morning, sir.
- Yes, hello - Good morning, sir.
- Shut up! Excuse me.
This is our ''good morning'' window, where customers experience the nice face of the bank.
For financial transactions, try any other window.
Look, I'm not queuing again! All I want (LOUDHAILER) This is the police.
please be calm.
A robbery is taking place.
Lie down on the floor and await instructions.
We have the place surrounded.
Bloody pigs! I didn't finish my sentence.
Mike, the bank's being robbed.
Quick, get down! - We're doing the robbery! - Oh, yeah.
All right.
If they won't let us out, we'll shoot a hostage.
Yeah.
Let's shoot Neil.
What? Oh, yeah.
OK, if you think it will help.
I don't mind.
It's only water pistols.
- (RICK) Shh! - I told you that was our secret! - Water pistols?! - Good morning, sir.
Neil, you've ruined it.
I never got to shout, ''Give me the money.
'' - What?! - Bloody hell! Quick! We did it! We bloody did it! And it was mostly me! - Come on! - We did it! We did it! Oh, what have I done? (SOBS) Come on.
There's no time for that.
My car! My beautiful, beautiful car! (SIRENS) Oh, no! The pigs! This is it, guys! I'll see you later! Oh.
Yellow chicken! (WAILS) Forget about your car, Vyvyan.
Start again without it.
- After all, you've still got SPG.
- I don't think so, Michael.
He was asleep on the radiator.
(BAGPIPES) I'll see you later, you wimp.
We've got our whole lives ahead of us.
It's just that we'll be spending them in prison.
- Oh, yeah? - Oh, yeah.
Oh, no! (INAUDIBLE) (GUITAR PLAYS OFF-KEY) (ALL SING) # We're all going on a summer holiday No more working for a week or two Fun and laughter on a summer holiday (TUNELESS WAILING) (OFF-KEY) - Yes! Yes! It's really happening! - Basingstoke, 35 miles! This is what I call riding in a double-decker bus.
Right on.
I'm aboard the Freedom Bus, heading for Good Time City, and I haven't even paid my fare! Look, we need to pick up some great girls whose car has broken down, and they can cook and clean.
Yes, girls like Una Stubbs.
Una Stubbs! Yeah, fantastic! We can all play charades.
Charades?! Ha! More like nudie plod games.
(TYRES SCREECH) What's the difference? There'll be plenty of chicks on the road.
This is it! It's really happening! Who needs qualifications? Who cares about Thatcher and unemployment? We can do whatever we want to do! And do you know why? Because we're young ones.
Bachelor boys! Crazy, mad, wild-eyed, big-bottomed anarchists! Look out! Cliff! (BRAKES SCREECH) (ALL) Phew! That was close!