There She Goes (2018) s01e04 Episode Script
The Wrong Grandad
1 Look what Rosie's little Grandad John's found! It's a ladybird, Rosie.
They can also be yellow or orange, but they all have those pretty spots on the back.
Isn't it beautiful? Whoa! Easy, Lenny.
No, no, no.
We don't eat things we've killed in the park.
Has your mum mentioned we were thinking we could take Ben off your hands for three weeks in the summer? What? Yeah.
Get him down the countryside, take him swimming in the river, go tor climbing.
Not really your thing, I know, but he'd love it.
And we know how hard it is with kids in the summer holidays.
What about Rosie? Not really her thing, is it? What's her thing? I just think it might be good for Ben to spend some time away playing with just his cousins.
Get him muddy, doing kids' stuff.
He is an only child, when you think about it.
He's not an only child, he has a sister.
I know, but not in a normal sense.
Okay, lets not talk about this in front of Rosie.
What? She can't understand.
What are you worrying about? I'm just saying, it's not like Ben comes to the park to play with her, does he? Okay, John, just don't let Em hear you saying all of this.
So, Rosie, this is Nana and Grandad John's house.
Yeah, if he starts, you're going to have to deal with him, okay? He's your stepdad.
[music blares in car.]
Oh, here we are, darling.
Good boy.
I'll take this one, thank you.
Hello, my big boy! How long has it been like that? - Two months.
- Two months?! Well, it's hard to get around to stuff with, you know, looking after Mistress Chaotica.
- I'll take that.
- Why? She's fine.
She's just putting everything in her mouth at the minute.
She's not going to bloody swallow it, is she? - Well - Well, I can mend that.
Piece of piss.
You know we're here for you whatever you want, Simon.
Right, what else needs doing? Pictures putting up? Hm! Picture of Pat.
She loves her Gandalf.
[Rosie vocalises.]
She definitely prefers you to my dad.
I'm not bothered.
While we're here, we can take some pictures of me and Nana.
Would you like that? - [door slams shut.]
- I'm home! It's okay, Ann, I can manage.
No, Rosie, leave the bags alone.
She's a nightmare with the shopping.
It's all right, she's helping! Rosie, that's not helping.
It's fine.
Nothing's broken.
[Rosie vocalises.]
She has a terrible diet still, doesn't she? Sophie's started putting cauliflower in the pizza dough for Alice and Fliss.
Sadly, pizza is no longer Rosie's favourite.
In fact, she seems to have decided to stop eating it altogether.
She does seem interested in salad.
No, she's interested in the clingfilm.
She starts chewing it and then she swallows it and that's no good, because when it comes out, it's like a magician pulling out the flags of all nations, except not as cool because it's covered in You know.
Have you thought about seeing a nutritionist? Treats are all very well, but maybe if they were used as rewards.
Yeah.
Yeah, we do try.
In there.
Right Oh, Rosie, this is lovely! - That Em's Mother's Day card.
- Aw! It's meant lovingly, but there should be some quality control.
Surely the teacher looks at that and has to say, let's have another go? Why can't you just be nice? You get Mother's Day and you get Father's Day, but why don't you get Children's Day? Every day is Children's Day.
So, Ben, I've been chatting to your dad.
How would you like to come down to Nana and Grandad's house for three weeks during the summer? Yeah, that sounds fun.
I thought it might be nice for Ben, and it would get him off your hands for a few weeks.
You can take Rosie off our hands.
Well, we just thought it would be more suited to Ben.
Grandad's thinking of building a treehouse.
In the holidays, do not get any respite provision from Social Services? You know, professional carers who can take her for a night or weekend? Might be good for Rosie.
We don't really want her waking up in strangers' houses.
What about in the day? Well, Mencap offer a couple of days, but they're really oversubscribed.
And what about her friends? Is there not a system of mutual playdates? John, Rosie doesn't have any friends.
We're all she's got.
Except Hippo.
Well, I'd better get down to Wickes.
Ding dong merrily on high So on Christmas morning, we were thinking a big family walk to Coombe Stone Tor.
That'll be fun, eh, Ben? Isn't it supposed to be bad weather? There's no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing.
That's how we do things on Dartmoor, rain or shine.
- That won't be any good for Rosie.
- Why not? Her routine is really important.
She's not sleeping.
Fresh air might knacker her out.
- Not in the cold.
- I know one thing for sure, babies and kids are a lot tougher than you think.
It'll be fine, Em.
Yeah, I think I might be the expert here on Rosie.
[clears throat, sighs.]
["How Soon Is Now?" by The Smiths plays.]
Oh, for fuck's sake! But if the 19th doesn't work for you, Ben's probably old enough to come down on the train on his own.
- It'll be good for him.
- [Rosie vocalises.]
Rosie, no snargling with Nana.
Be careful, Ann, because she's been quite bitey recently.
Oh, she's fine.
She probably just wants something.
Rosie, are you thirsty? Do you want your milk? You want to watch her with the milk 'cause it often goes everywhere.
That's my good girl! Yes, you're being very good for Nana, aren't you, Rosie? All done.
It needs to dry and then you just use fine-grade sandpaper to get the filler flush.
Right, we should start thinking about food.
Don't worry, we can do that.
No, you sit down, relax.
I can just go and throw on a big load of pasta with tomato sauce.
It's no bother.
- I'm not sure we want that.
- I won't do you one.
Just something that's more bother.
Why don't you two go out? Yes.
What about Rosie? She'll be fine.
Yes, go out.
Sophie went to see The Dance of Reality at a cinema the other week.
You know, Jodorowsky.
She said it was wonderful! It's bound to be on somewhere around here.
We could go out.
We can go out, yeah.
We won't be back late.
Be as long as you like.
So, be a superstar for Nana and Grandad.
Help with Rosie.
- Yes, Mum.
- And if Grandad asks about going on holiday, you don't have to say yes to everything.
Because three weeks is a long time, and they don't have iPads, do they? I really want to go.
Although Grandad does make me work in his allotment.
- Em? - Yes, coming! [sighs.]
Be a good girl for Nana.
Who's Mummy's gorgeous girl? If she makes the noise, she might want a bath, but it might be the telly.
But we've got loads of Peppa Pig on the box.
It's the black remote.
Shoo! Go on, bloody shoo! Have fun! We're going for a quick drink first, right? - Yeah.
- Where shall we go? - Well - Where do you want to go? Go on, have a good time.
We'll take it from here.
EMILY: Where do you want to go? - Hiya.
- Oh, hello.
Sorry, I'm John, Simon's stepdad.
Chris.
Hi.
Sorry.
Yeah, I've just been out.
I've got a half marathon in a couple of weeks.
Trying to beat my time.
1:37.
15.
I was just having a look at this wall.
Simon said it was a bit wobbly, but it looks all right to me.
Yeah, it just needed a bit of repair, so I just went ahead and did it.
It was about a year ago, I think.
DIY is not my stepson's forte.
He'd sit watching a self-tapping screw.
Needs instructions to work a hammer.
[they laugh.]
- No, he's a good bloke.
- Oh, yeah, we're proud of him.
Yeah.
See you later.
[footsteps.]
[door opens.]
[moans.]
- What? - Simon! Oh, God! Don't wake me up, it's three in the morning.
- I just want a cuddle.
- [sighs.]
No.
Get off! No, I don't want any of that, I just want to talk, Em.
[sighs.]
Simon, not this again.
She's only just stopped crying.
No, come here, come here.
- Oh, Simon, stop! - Oh! I'm just trying to show some affection to my wife! What's so fucking wrong with that? What?! Because you're going to upset Rosie, you stinking, selfish bastard! [she sighs.]
How are you this pissed again? Fuck off! Oh, just fuck off, you sanctimonious arsehole! You're boring.
You're boring.
- You bore me.
- I don't care.
Just go away.
- Sanctimonious fucking arsehole.
- [baby cries.]
Happy fucking Christmas.
[baby continues to cry.]
Sh, sh, sh, sh.
Oh, I can stay in here if I want.
Sh, sh, sh [baby cries.]
Simon.
This has got to stop.
["The 12 Days of Christmas" plays on radio.]
Right, we're going out.
- What are you doing? - Taking the kids out.
No.
Can you come here, please, Ben? Give us a chance to get out of your hair.
Where are you going? We haven't decided.
Can you make sure that you keep holding his hand on the roads? No need to worry.
We'll be a couple of hours.
Her snow suit is on the pram.
Bye, Ben.
[front door closes.]
[she sighs.]
I'm sure it'll be fine.
I'm their mother, why does no-one in this family get that? Thanks.
This date isn't going great.
You look older than I thought you were going to be.
I'm just glad to be going on a date, to be honest.
You know, I'm married, I'm just looking for fun.
My husband is a total arsehole.
Well, you made your vows, so I'm all you've got for the rest of your life.
Oh, sweetie, for the rest of your life.
Well Child free for the night.
It's like we just met.
Let's rekindle that magic.
We can go to the student union and spend the evening playing Ms Pac-Man! - That would be awesome.
- Yeah! So, do you want to go and see that movie? What was it? Dance of something? Reality? Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, Mad Max: Fury Road is on at eight.
Mm.
Is Minions still running? They waste so much money on special effects.
There's so much fascinating real natural history to watch.
Oh, that latest Attenborough programme is stunning.
Oh, yeah, he went to the Hwange National Park, we've been there, and caught this incredible game of dare between agama lizards and a pride of lions.
It was mesmerising.
I mean, what is that even meant to be? A Nazgul.
Bloody daft.
And how does that not kill him? I mean, he stabbed him and he's not even bleeding.
- He's protected by Elvish armour.
- It's unrealistic though, isn't it? No, it's about a Hobbit trying to destroy a magic ring in Mount Doom.
It's Mum and Dad's favourite film.
That doesn't surprise me.
Right, Rosie, I think it's time for your tea.
You've been very good.
Would you like some of Aunt Sophie's special recipe pasta? They're going to unload the dishwasher, then it will take hours to put everything back in the right place.
Last time, they took the salad dressing jar, they put the jar in with the glasses, they put the lid in the knife drawer.
What made them split them up, Si? Why? Maybe we put them in the wrong place.
Well, we have done everything else wrong.
Earlier I had, "Rosie's got a shit diet.
" She does.
I know! Have you noticed how suddenly, she's not playing up? Everything is so easy and I'm sitting there thinking, "Go on, love, go mental.
" You know, "Bang your arm a bit, bite Nana.
"Not too hard, obviously, but make a mark!" Maybe it is just us, maybe we are terrible parents.
We are.
Compared to your sister Jesus! God.
I've had that all day.
I think Fliss probably came out of Sophie's vagina doing her Grade Three violin exam and getting a distinction.
- One more round? - Yeah.
Yeah, take it easy, though.
We don't want you calling your mum and step-dad a cunt.
You know, we can't afford a trip to Center Parcs to say sorry.
Again.
Yeah.
Now then, my darling Rosie, this is delicious pasta and sauce.
Well, then, we'll just have to start all over again, won't we? You'll see plenty of real animals in the summer.
Grandad, are we going to eat outside all the time in Devon? Of course we will, get the picnic blanket out.
With all the wasps? Bloody hell, you'll be all right.
They mollycoddle you.
Ooh, is he the one that's in Sharpe? - All good? - She didn't want her pasta.
But we got there in the end, didn't we, Rosie? I think it's time for bath-time.
Here's what I don't get if she so easy to look after, why won't they look after her in the summer? "Do anything for you, cut off my leg for you, Simon.
Anything.
" "Look after Rosie?" "Sorry, I can't hear you.
Ben? Yeah, of course we'll take Ben.
" "Rosie.
Rosie.
" "Busy that week.
What week was it? Cos we're busy.
" And it's because they won't admit that it's a boring nightmare.
You know, why would anyone want to take her for three weeks? Yeah, of course, but they dress it up like it's good for Ben.
Only child - What's that? - Nothing.
I mean, he's not even allowed an iPad there.
That's what I said! And their broadband is even slower than Rosie.
Oi! Hands off my Rosie.
You know, it probably is really good for Ben.
I know, but I don't want them to take Ben, because they keep saying they're making it easy, it's easier with Ben here.
He helps with her.
He helps me.
[voice breaking.]
: He's always helped me [she sniffles and sighs.]
They're all right at home, aren't they? Shall I phone? Maybe we shouldn't talk about the kids all night.
Yeah.
It's very good beer.
I'm sure they're okay.
Besides, there's only one field in the village where you get reception.
Even then, you have to jump in the air.
[sighs.]
Is this a qualifier for the World Staring Championships? What do you want me to say, Simon? I think this is a chance to talk.
I've run out of talk.
If I've done something wrong, tell me.
You don't remember, do you? Cos you never remember, because you've blown away that bit of memory with the magic of booze, and you don't remember this morning because you were unconscious while I'm dealing with all the shit at 5am.
Okay.
Sorry.
It's happening all the time, Simon.
You know, you're out getting hammered at work with Helen or now, it seems, by yourself.
Sorry.
Em, I need to be loved.
And you have the nerve to act all hard done by and self-entitled.
And demand love.
It feels like you don't love me any more.
Oh, Jesus, Si.
Listen to yourself.
It's not about you.
When was the last time you paid any attention to what I'm going through and what I need? You make that hard.
Oh, shut up, just shut up.
[she sighs.]
Do you know what I think about when I'm lying next to you, after you've shouted what a shit I am in my face at 3am? I play it in my mind like it's a film, and you're pushing Rosie in the buggy down the street, a distance ahead of me and Ben, and a 337 bus goes past and just swerves and flattens you both.
And I don't see anything, I just see the buggy under the bus, but it's obvious that, you know, no-one survived, and I'm free.
I'm free to make a fresh start with Ben, wonderful Ben who makes me so proud every second of every day.
[shivers.]
And I might meet someone new, someone loyal and boring, who's nice to me and doesn't get drunk, and I might be bored shitless, but at least I'd feel valued.
You know, and it makes me sad that I've set the bar so depressingly low.
And I-I I hate you.
I hate you, Simon for not even trying to reach a bar that's so far below what I actually think I deserve.
But, mainly, I I despise myself for having those thoughts about Rosie.
But, you know it couldn't happen, because when the four of us actually do go out, you walk ahead with Ben.
It's always me who ends up pushing the fucking buggy! Don't.
Just don't.
Don't.
[murmur of tv.]
Amazing sequence, this.
African forest buffalo, hippo, elephants and Red River hogs all come out of the forest to sunbathe and swim.
You don't get that in London.
There is the zoo.
[water splashing.]
Rosie, that's lovely splashing! Oh! Now, Rosie, calm down! I think it's time you should be getting out.
- [Rosie vocalises.]
- No, Rosie! Grandad, can I have some help getting Rosie out the bath, please?! [tv channel changes.]
We should think about getting our dinner on.
Come on, you.
Come on, you little munchkin.
Let's get you ready for bed.
["Boys Don't Cry" by The Cure plays.]
You know what they say, if life gives you lemons, well, a lemon, make a gin and tonic.
Coping mechanism, I guess.
No, it doesn't.
- You've always drunk too much.
- All right, John, don't tell me.
Don't you dare use Rosie as an excuse.
Well, I better thank my dad, then.
To faulty fucking genes! One way or another, - it's the bane of my family.
- Got nothing to do with Bill.
It's your responsibility, Simon.
Thanks for the pep talk, John, that's just what I needed.
Thanks.
Yeah, well, someone's got to say it.
You need to sort yourself out, because you're going to lose Em.
You could lose them all.
I don't even know if she loves me any more.
Yeah, well, I may just be a silly old sod.
But you carry on, drinking and sulking.
Women find that really attractive.
[she grumbles.]
Yes, I know! I'm the wrong grandad, apparently.
- Should we put the stair gate up? - No, she'll be fine.
Honestly, they worry too much.
Now, you, into bed! [she wails.]
Uh, no, we're not having iPads tonight.
I'll read you a story.
You know, I've never understood why people are so obsessed with bloody dinosaurs.
Ah! Now, we bought this for Ben when he was tiny.
It's a wonderful book of African folk tales for children.
It was one of Nelson Mandela's favourites.
Here's a fantastic Botswanan story.
- "Many years ago - [she whines.]
"a young boy called Nkipidi lived deep in the country "in a beautiful village, "next to where the motlopi trees grow.
" Ow! Whoa.
I think we need to get those nails trimmed! Nana, do you want to go and see if there's some scissors? Yeah.
There's lots of different scenarios.
You know, like on the playground, or um just at home, sitting watching telly, or, um, playing the iPad or something.
Or there there is one that I keep having where she's going to a party and I'm helping her get ready, and she's like, "No, Dad, get off.
I can do it.
" That's the thing, Em, she talks, she always talks in my dreams.
[she sighs.]
We really need to go home now, Si.
Come on.
Let's go see if she's awake.
- Yeah.
- Give her a big hug.
So do you want to, like, hook up again? Same time next year? "He took very great care to give the buffalo a wide berth "from then on.
" It's good, isn't it? It'll be fine, stop worrying! EMILY: it's not about aesthetics! - I think that's where your - It's just the whole thing.
- It's a knee-jerk response - No.
I don't appreciate - Nice evening? - Yeah, great.
- How were they? - Fine.
- Rosie? - Mm, fine.
Yeah? She eat anything? Yeah, a big bowl of pasta with tomato sauce.
Gave her a bath, brushed her teeth.
She's up in bed now.
Yeah, John says Rosie behaved herself.
Yes! Good as gold.
What, Mum, why're you being weird? Nothing! I was just checking on Rosie.
She's, uh, she's not asleep yet, so let's leave her for a bit.
I'll put the stair gate up.
Mum, what's happened? Rosie? Rosie! Oh, my God! What have they done to you?! What've you done to my beautiful princess? What did you do to her?! How special needs do you think she needed to look?! Oh, her fringe needed cutting.
It was in her eyes.
She has enough problems in life, without looking like she just escaped from One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest! Don't be daft, it's just a trim.
She looks like Dave Hill from Slade! It's not even straight! You just can't stop interfering, can you, in everything? Why can't you just leave things alone, eh? Why?! I mean I'm actually asking! Why can't you just stop?! She just looks horrid, Mum.
Why did you let him do it? I wasn't in the room! And he was only trying to help.
Don't forget everything he does for you.
I know, but sometimes it seems like when it suits him.
- It's not about me or him or the kids.
- That's not true.
Isn't it? "Oh, I'll do anything for you, Simon.
" Well, then, why is it okay to take Ben away over the summer and not Rosie? He's not the problem, she is.
J-John would have her at the drop of a hat.
[shakily.]
: It's because I'm scared, Simon.
If anything were to happen to her.
I mean, it's all right here in London.
You have the house all set up, but in Devon?! The river's so near.
If anything happened to her, I would never forgive myself.
I love her so much! - Come on, give Rosie to me.
- No, it's all right, she's okay.
I know she is, I'm not here for Rosie.
I came to look after you.
You'll get some sleep.
We've got her from now on.
Thank you.
You know, we all love you very much, Emily.
I think maybe we should all be telling you that a lot more.
[she sighs.]
What happened? Hair was in her eyes, so I started cutting her fringe, but it wasn't even, so I was trying to compensate by cutting the other side.
And by the end of it That's all right.
It'll grow back.
- Stupid bastard! - I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.
John, it's okay.
Thank you for letting us go to the pub.
And I'm sure that Ben would love to spend some time having adventures with his grandad.
You haven't cut Ben's hair as well, have you? ["Love Will Tear Us Apart" by Joy Division plays.]
Love, love will tear us apart Again Love, love will tear us apart Again
They can also be yellow or orange, but they all have those pretty spots on the back.
Isn't it beautiful? Whoa! Easy, Lenny.
No, no, no.
We don't eat things we've killed in the park.
Has your mum mentioned we were thinking we could take Ben off your hands for three weeks in the summer? What? Yeah.
Get him down the countryside, take him swimming in the river, go tor climbing.
Not really your thing, I know, but he'd love it.
And we know how hard it is with kids in the summer holidays.
What about Rosie? Not really her thing, is it? What's her thing? I just think it might be good for Ben to spend some time away playing with just his cousins.
Get him muddy, doing kids' stuff.
He is an only child, when you think about it.
He's not an only child, he has a sister.
I know, but not in a normal sense.
Okay, lets not talk about this in front of Rosie.
What? She can't understand.
What are you worrying about? I'm just saying, it's not like Ben comes to the park to play with her, does he? Okay, John, just don't let Em hear you saying all of this.
So, Rosie, this is Nana and Grandad John's house.
Yeah, if he starts, you're going to have to deal with him, okay? He's your stepdad.
[music blares in car.]
Oh, here we are, darling.
Good boy.
I'll take this one, thank you.
Hello, my big boy! How long has it been like that? - Two months.
- Two months?! Well, it's hard to get around to stuff with, you know, looking after Mistress Chaotica.
- I'll take that.
- Why? She's fine.
She's just putting everything in her mouth at the minute.
She's not going to bloody swallow it, is she? - Well - Well, I can mend that.
Piece of piss.
You know we're here for you whatever you want, Simon.
Right, what else needs doing? Pictures putting up? Hm! Picture of Pat.
She loves her Gandalf.
[Rosie vocalises.]
She definitely prefers you to my dad.
I'm not bothered.
While we're here, we can take some pictures of me and Nana.
Would you like that? - [door slams shut.]
- I'm home! It's okay, Ann, I can manage.
No, Rosie, leave the bags alone.
She's a nightmare with the shopping.
It's all right, she's helping! Rosie, that's not helping.
It's fine.
Nothing's broken.
[Rosie vocalises.]
She has a terrible diet still, doesn't she? Sophie's started putting cauliflower in the pizza dough for Alice and Fliss.
Sadly, pizza is no longer Rosie's favourite.
In fact, she seems to have decided to stop eating it altogether.
She does seem interested in salad.
No, she's interested in the clingfilm.
She starts chewing it and then she swallows it and that's no good, because when it comes out, it's like a magician pulling out the flags of all nations, except not as cool because it's covered in You know.
Have you thought about seeing a nutritionist? Treats are all very well, but maybe if they were used as rewards.
Yeah.
Yeah, we do try.
In there.
Right Oh, Rosie, this is lovely! - That Em's Mother's Day card.
- Aw! It's meant lovingly, but there should be some quality control.
Surely the teacher looks at that and has to say, let's have another go? Why can't you just be nice? You get Mother's Day and you get Father's Day, but why don't you get Children's Day? Every day is Children's Day.
So, Ben, I've been chatting to your dad.
How would you like to come down to Nana and Grandad's house for three weeks during the summer? Yeah, that sounds fun.
I thought it might be nice for Ben, and it would get him off your hands for a few weeks.
You can take Rosie off our hands.
Well, we just thought it would be more suited to Ben.
Grandad's thinking of building a treehouse.
In the holidays, do not get any respite provision from Social Services? You know, professional carers who can take her for a night or weekend? Might be good for Rosie.
We don't really want her waking up in strangers' houses.
What about in the day? Well, Mencap offer a couple of days, but they're really oversubscribed.
And what about her friends? Is there not a system of mutual playdates? John, Rosie doesn't have any friends.
We're all she's got.
Except Hippo.
Well, I'd better get down to Wickes.
Ding dong merrily on high So on Christmas morning, we were thinking a big family walk to Coombe Stone Tor.
That'll be fun, eh, Ben? Isn't it supposed to be bad weather? There's no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing.
That's how we do things on Dartmoor, rain or shine.
- That won't be any good for Rosie.
- Why not? Her routine is really important.
She's not sleeping.
Fresh air might knacker her out.
- Not in the cold.
- I know one thing for sure, babies and kids are a lot tougher than you think.
It'll be fine, Em.
Yeah, I think I might be the expert here on Rosie.
[clears throat, sighs.]
["How Soon Is Now?" by The Smiths plays.]
Oh, for fuck's sake! But if the 19th doesn't work for you, Ben's probably old enough to come down on the train on his own.
- It'll be good for him.
- [Rosie vocalises.]
Rosie, no snargling with Nana.
Be careful, Ann, because she's been quite bitey recently.
Oh, she's fine.
She probably just wants something.
Rosie, are you thirsty? Do you want your milk? You want to watch her with the milk 'cause it often goes everywhere.
That's my good girl! Yes, you're being very good for Nana, aren't you, Rosie? All done.
It needs to dry and then you just use fine-grade sandpaper to get the filler flush.
Right, we should start thinking about food.
Don't worry, we can do that.
No, you sit down, relax.
I can just go and throw on a big load of pasta with tomato sauce.
It's no bother.
- I'm not sure we want that.
- I won't do you one.
Just something that's more bother.
Why don't you two go out? Yes.
What about Rosie? She'll be fine.
Yes, go out.
Sophie went to see The Dance of Reality at a cinema the other week.
You know, Jodorowsky.
She said it was wonderful! It's bound to be on somewhere around here.
We could go out.
We can go out, yeah.
We won't be back late.
Be as long as you like.
So, be a superstar for Nana and Grandad.
Help with Rosie.
- Yes, Mum.
- And if Grandad asks about going on holiday, you don't have to say yes to everything.
Because three weeks is a long time, and they don't have iPads, do they? I really want to go.
Although Grandad does make me work in his allotment.
- Em? - Yes, coming! [sighs.]
Be a good girl for Nana.
Who's Mummy's gorgeous girl? If she makes the noise, she might want a bath, but it might be the telly.
But we've got loads of Peppa Pig on the box.
It's the black remote.
Shoo! Go on, bloody shoo! Have fun! We're going for a quick drink first, right? - Yeah.
- Where shall we go? - Well - Where do you want to go? Go on, have a good time.
We'll take it from here.
EMILY: Where do you want to go? - Hiya.
- Oh, hello.
Sorry, I'm John, Simon's stepdad.
Chris.
Hi.
Sorry.
Yeah, I've just been out.
I've got a half marathon in a couple of weeks.
Trying to beat my time.
1:37.
15.
I was just having a look at this wall.
Simon said it was a bit wobbly, but it looks all right to me.
Yeah, it just needed a bit of repair, so I just went ahead and did it.
It was about a year ago, I think.
DIY is not my stepson's forte.
He'd sit watching a self-tapping screw.
Needs instructions to work a hammer.
[they laugh.]
- No, he's a good bloke.
- Oh, yeah, we're proud of him.
Yeah.
See you later.
[footsteps.]
[door opens.]
[moans.]
- What? - Simon! Oh, God! Don't wake me up, it's three in the morning.
- I just want a cuddle.
- [sighs.]
No.
Get off! No, I don't want any of that, I just want to talk, Em.
[sighs.]
Simon, not this again.
She's only just stopped crying.
No, come here, come here.
- Oh, Simon, stop! - Oh! I'm just trying to show some affection to my wife! What's so fucking wrong with that? What?! Because you're going to upset Rosie, you stinking, selfish bastard! [she sighs.]
How are you this pissed again? Fuck off! Oh, just fuck off, you sanctimonious arsehole! You're boring.
You're boring.
- You bore me.
- I don't care.
Just go away.
- Sanctimonious fucking arsehole.
- [baby cries.]
Happy fucking Christmas.
[baby continues to cry.]
Sh, sh, sh, sh.
Oh, I can stay in here if I want.
Sh, sh, sh [baby cries.]
Simon.
This has got to stop.
["The 12 Days of Christmas" plays on radio.]
Right, we're going out.
- What are you doing? - Taking the kids out.
No.
Can you come here, please, Ben? Give us a chance to get out of your hair.
Where are you going? We haven't decided.
Can you make sure that you keep holding his hand on the roads? No need to worry.
We'll be a couple of hours.
Her snow suit is on the pram.
Bye, Ben.
[front door closes.]
[she sighs.]
I'm sure it'll be fine.
I'm their mother, why does no-one in this family get that? Thanks.
This date isn't going great.
You look older than I thought you were going to be.
I'm just glad to be going on a date, to be honest.
You know, I'm married, I'm just looking for fun.
My husband is a total arsehole.
Well, you made your vows, so I'm all you've got for the rest of your life.
Oh, sweetie, for the rest of your life.
Well Child free for the night.
It's like we just met.
Let's rekindle that magic.
We can go to the student union and spend the evening playing Ms Pac-Man! - That would be awesome.
- Yeah! So, do you want to go and see that movie? What was it? Dance of something? Reality? Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, Mad Max: Fury Road is on at eight.
Mm.
Is Minions still running? They waste so much money on special effects.
There's so much fascinating real natural history to watch.
Oh, that latest Attenborough programme is stunning.
Oh, yeah, he went to the Hwange National Park, we've been there, and caught this incredible game of dare between agama lizards and a pride of lions.
It was mesmerising.
I mean, what is that even meant to be? A Nazgul.
Bloody daft.
And how does that not kill him? I mean, he stabbed him and he's not even bleeding.
- He's protected by Elvish armour.
- It's unrealistic though, isn't it? No, it's about a Hobbit trying to destroy a magic ring in Mount Doom.
It's Mum and Dad's favourite film.
That doesn't surprise me.
Right, Rosie, I think it's time for your tea.
You've been very good.
Would you like some of Aunt Sophie's special recipe pasta? They're going to unload the dishwasher, then it will take hours to put everything back in the right place.
Last time, they took the salad dressing jar, they put the jar in with the glasses, they put the lid in the knife drawer.
What made them split them up, Si? Why? Maybe we put them in the wrong place.
Well, we have done everything else wrong.
Earlier I had, "Rosie's got a shit diet.
" She does.
I know! Have you noticed how suddenly, she's not playing up? Everything is so easy and I'm sitting there thinking, "Go on, love, go mental.
" You know, "Bang your arm a bit, bite Nana.
"Not too hard, obviously, but make a mark!" Maybe it is just us, maybe we are terrible parents.
We are.
Compared to your sister Jesus! God.
I've had that all day.
I think Fliss probably came out of Sophie's vagina doing her Grade Three violin exam and getting a distinction.
- One more round? - Yeah.
Yeah, take it easy, though.
We don't want you calling your mum and step-dad a cunt.
You know, we can't afford a trip to Center Parcs to say sorry.
Again.
Yeah.
Now then, my darling Rosie, this is delicious pasta and sauce.
Well, then, we'll just have to start all over again, won't we? You'll see plenty of real animals in the summer.
Grandad, are we going to eat outside all the time in Devon? Of course we will, get the picnic blanket out.
With all the wasps? Bloody hell, you'll be all right.
They mollycoddle you.
Ooh, is he the one that's in Sharpe? - All good? - She didn't want her pasta.
But we got there in the end, didn't we, Rosie? I think it's time for bath-time.
Here's what I don't get if she so easy to look after, why won't they look after her in the summer? "Do anything for you, cut off my leg for you, Simon.
Anything.
" "Look after Rosie?" "Sorry, I can't hear you.
Ben? Yeah, of course we'll take Ben.
" "Rosie.
Rosie.
" "Busy that week.
What week was it? Cos we're busy.
" And it's because they won't admit that it's a boring nightmare.
You know, why would anyone want to take her for three weeks? Yeah, of course, but they dress it up like it's good for Ben.
Only child - What's that? - Nothing.
I mean, he's not even allowed an iPad there.
That's what I said! And their broadband is even slower than Rosie.
Oi! Hands off my Rosie.
You know, it probably is really good for Ben.
I know, but I don't want them to take Ben, because they keep saying they're making it easy, it's easier with Ben here.
He helps with her.
He helps me.
[voice breaking.]
: He's always helped me [she sniffles and sighs.]
They're all right at home, aren't they? Shall I phone? Maybe we shouldn't talk about the kids all night.
Yeah.
It's very good beer.
I'm sure they're okay.
Besides, there's only one field in the village where you get reception.
Even then, you have to jump in the air.
[sighs.]
Is this a qualifier for the World Staring Championships? What do you want me to say, Simon? I think this is a chance to talk.
I've run out of talk.
If I've done something wrong, tell me.
You don't remember, do you? Cos you never remember, because you've blown away that bit of memory with the magic of booze, and you don't remember this morning because you were unconscious while I'm dealing with all the shit at 5am.
Okay.
Sorry.
It's happening all the time, Simon.
You know, you're out getting hammered at work with Helen or now, it seems, by yourself.
Sorry.
Em, I need to be loved.
And you have the nerve to act all hard done by and self-entitled.
And demand love.
It feels like you don't love me any more.
Oh, Jesus, Si.
Listen to yourself.
It's not about you.
When was the last time you paid any attention to what I'm going through and what I need? You make that hard.
Oh, shut up, just shut up.
[she sighs.]
Do you know what I think about when I'm lying next to you, after you've shouted what a shit I am in my face at 3am? I play it in my mind like it's a film, and you're pushing Rosie in the buggy down the street, a distance ahead of me and Ben, and a 337 bus goes past and just swerves and flattens you both.
And I don't see anything, I just see the buggy under the bus, but it's obvious that, you know, no-one survived, and I'm free.
I'm free to make a fresh start with Ben, wonderful Ben who makes me so proud every second of every day.
[shivers.]
And I might meet someone new, someone loyal and boring, who's nice to me and doesn't get drunk, and I might be bored shitless, but at least I'd feel valued.
You know, and it makes me sad that I've set the bar so depressingly low.
And I-I I hate you.
I hate you, Simon for not even trying to reach a bar that's so far below what I actually think I deserve.
But, mainly, I I despise myself for having those thoughts about Rosie.
But, you know it couldn't happen, because when the four of us actually do go out, you walk ahead with Ben.
It's always me who ends up pushing the fucking buggy! Don't.
Just don't.
Don't.
[murmur of tv.]
Amazing sequence, this.
African forest buffalo, hippo, elephants and Red River hogs all come out of the forest to sunbathe and swim.
You don't get that in London.
There is the zoo.
[water splashing.]
Rosie, that's lovely splashing! Oh! Now, Rosie, calm down! I think it's time you should be getting out.
- [Rosie vocalises.]
- No, Rosie! Grandad, can I have some help getting Rosie out the bath, please?! [tv channel changes.]
We should think about getting our dinner on.
Come on, you.
Come on, you little munchkin.
Let's get you ready for bed.
["Boys Don't Cry" by The Cure plays.]
You know what they say, if life gives you lemons, well, a lemon, make a gin and tonic.
Coping mechanism, I guess.
No, it doesn't.
- You've always drunk too much.
- All right, John, don't tell me.
Don't you dare use Rosie as an excuse.
Well, I better thank my dad, then.
To faulty fucking genes! One way or another, - it's the bane of my family.
- Got nothing to do with Bill.
It's your responsibility, Simon.
Thanks for the pep talk, John, that's just what I needed.
Thanks.
Yeah, well, someone's got to say it.
You need to sort yourself out, because you're going to lose Em.
You could lose them all.
I don't even know if she loves me any more.
Yeah, well, I may just be a silly old sod.
But you carry on, drinking and sulking.
Women find that really attractive.
[she grumbles.]
Yes, I know! I'm the wrong grandad, apparently.
- Should we put the stair gate up? - No, she'll be fine.
Honestly, they worry too much.
Now, you, into bed! [she wails.]
Uh, no, we're not having iPads tonight.
I'll read you a story.
You know, I've never understood why people are so obsessed with bloody dinosaurs.
Ah! Now, we bought this for Ben when he was tiny.
It's a wonderful book of African folk tales for children.
It was one of Nelson Mandela's favourites.
Here's a fantastic Botswanan story.
- "Many years ago - [she whines.]
"a young boy called Nkipidi lived deep in the country "in a beautiful village, "next to where the motlopi trees grow.
" Ow! Whoa.
I think we need to get those nails trimmed! Nana, do you want to go and see if there's some scissors? Yeah.
There's lots of different scenarios.
You know, like on the playground, or um just at home, sitting watching telly, or, um, playing the iPad or something.
Or there there is one that I keep having where she's going to a party and I'm helping her get ready, and she's like, "No, Dad, get off.
I can do it.
" That's the thing, Em, she talks, she always talks in my dreams.
[she sighs.]
We really need to go home now, Si.
Come on.
Let's go see if she's awake.
- Yeah.
- Give her a big hug.
So do you want to, like, hook up again? Same time next year? "He took very great care to give the buffalo a wide berth "from then on.
" It's good, isn't it? It'll be fine, stop worrying! EMILY: it's not about aesthetics! - I think that's where your - It's just the whole thing.
- It's a knee-jerk response - No.
I don't appreciate - Nice evening? - Yeah, great.
- How were they? - Fine.
- Rosie? - Mm, fine.
Yeah? She eat anything? Yeah, a big bowl of pasta with tomato sauce.
Gave her a bath, brushed her teeth.
She's up in bed now.
Yeah, John says Rosie behaved herself.
Yes! Good as gold.
What, Mum, why're you being weird? Nothing! I was just checking on Rosie.
She's, uh, she's not asleep yet, so let's leave her for a bit.
I'll put the stair gate up.
Mum, what's happened? Rosie? Rosie! Oh, my God! What have they done to you?! What've you done to my beautiful princess? What did you do to her?! How special needs do you think she needed to look?! Oh, her fringe needed cutting.
It was in her eyes.
She has enough problems in life, without looking like she just escaped from One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest! Don't be daft, it's just a trim.
She looks like Dave Hill from Slade! It's not even straight! You just can't stop interfering, can you, in everything? Why can't you just leave things alone, eh? Why?! I mean I'm actually asking! Why can't you just stop?! She just looks horrid, Mum.
Why did you let him do it? I wasn't in the room! And he was only trying to help.
Don't forget everything he does for you.
I know, but sometimes it seems like when it suits him.
- It's not about me or him or the kids.
- That's not true.
Isn't it? "Oh, I'll do anything for you, Simon.
" Well, then, why is it okay to take Ben away over the summer and not Rosie? He's not the problem, she is.
J-John would have her at the drop of a hat.
[shakily.]
: It's because I'm scared, Simon.
If anything were to happen to her.
I mean, it's all right here in London.
You have the house all set up, but in Devon?! The river's so near.
If anything happened to her, I would never forgive myself.
I love her so much! - Come on, give Rosie to me.
- No, it's all right, she's okay.
I know she is, I'm not here for Rosie.
I came to look after you.
You'll get some sleep.
We've got her from now on.
Thank you.
You know, we all love you very much, Emily.
I think maybe we should all be telling you that a lot more.
[she sighs.]
What happened? Hair was in her eyes, so I started cutting her fringe, but it wasn't even, so I was trying to compensate by cutting the other side.
And by the end of it That's all right.
It'll grow back.
- Stupid bastard! - I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.
John, it's okay.
Thank you for letting us go to the pub.
And I'm sure that Ben would love to spend some time having adventures with his grandad.
You haven't cut Ben's hair as well, have you? ["Love Will Tear Us Apart" by Joy Division plays.]
Love, love will tear us apart Again Love, love will tear us apart Again