Thirtysomething (1987) s01e20 Episode Script
Tenure
1 Well, my first reaction was total panic.
I mean, co-op.
But then I Is this fried chicken? - No.
Potato salad.
- Then I thought, you know, I have treated my apartment like a hotel room ever since I moved in.
I mean, I might as well have had my TV mounted on the wall.
And I thought this is really gonna force me to do something about it.
Wait a minute.
What are you saying here? I'm saying that it's a really, really good offer, and it's really hard to refuse.
You mean you're gonna buy your apartment? Well, well, yes.
If I don't, I'd have to move into another apartment.
- But you hate your apartment.
- No.
No, I don't hate my apartment.
My apartment has charm.
Well, my apartment has Has potential.
My apartment has resale value.
When will you hear? Oh, the English department has to recommend me first.
That should happen sometime this week.
They love you, right? Your students love you.
Yeah, but what does teaching ability have to do with tenure? I hate tenure talk.
I don't know how it works.
Thirty-seven You show them everything you've published and That shouldn't take long.
What was that one article? Oh, yes.
"Aspects of Early English Alliterative Poetry.
" Oh, that was my favorite.
What a plot.
Yes, but did you read the action-packed sequel, "The Motif Index of Early Icelandic Folktales"? - Is it out in paperback? - Anyway, you've published.
- You're a semi-reputable guy.
- Oh, yeah.
But it's all politics, you know.
It's who you have lunch with, how many footnotes you have, which conferences you speak at.
- I'm not good at that stuff.
- Gary the Good.
Gary the Pure.
Oh, I can't believe I've been here seven years teaching already.
It takes seven years to get tenure? It would be seven.
It's so mythic.
- Am I ever gonna finish this thing? - Yes.
Yes, you are.
Because I'll make you.
See what you have to look forward to here, class? Today it's Humanities 101.
In a few short years, you, too, could be writing an incredibly obscure senior thesis and have your very own Carol at the library.
- Okay, Sir Gawain, yes? - Yeah.
Where were we? Did you get to the part where he doesn't sleep with her yet? All right.
Um, it's New Year's Eve, yes? And everybody's assembled King Arthur, all of his heroes.
And this guy rides in.
I mean, you don't challenge King Arthur.
I mean, you have to understand this.
This is unbelievable.
This guy rides a horse into the hall and challenges everybody.
And nobody has the guts until Gawain stands up.
"I'll do it," he says.
Pulls out his sword and whacks the guy's head off.
I mean, bam! The head rolls down on the floor.
Only the guy's not dead.
He reaches down, picks up his own head, and the head talks.
"Next year, pal, I get to do this to you.
" So "With a roisterous rush, "he flings around the reins, "hurdles out at the hall door his head in his hands.
"But the flint fire flew from the flashing hooves.
"Which way he went not one of them knew, nor whence he was come, and the wide world so fair" What? Roger, what? Yeah.
Before you get started, I want to know about the final.
Is that gonna cover the whole syllabus or just the second half? The whole enchilada.
But don't worry about it, okay? I mean, if you've read the material and been here once in a while and stayed awake 40, 45% of the time, you'll do fine, okay? - Okay.
- Good.
Okay, there you have it, anyway.
The guy sets off on a quest.
And what's the point of this quest? It's to have a 7-foot tall green guy kill him at the end of it.
So what's the point of that? Okay, Andrea.
Give.
The nature of honor in the tale of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight.
No, I get the feeling that you've covered the traditional authorities pretty well.
I wonder if you've gone into the analogs deeply enough, that's all.
Do you think I should get involved in the Near Eastern stuff? I mean, I've read a lot of her background, and I don't want to get tangled up in Medusa.
"Tangled up in Medusa.
" I like that.
- That's good.
That's good.
- Ha ha.
No, really.
I I just want to get the feeling that you've mastered the antecedents, that's all.
And that cross-cultural stuff could be a lot of fun.
No, it can.
It can.
Let's go over your bibliography.
Wait, wait.
I can't go in there.
- Why not? - It's for faculty.
- I'm faculty.
- I'm not.
They'll put my eyes out or something if I go in there.
No, I think the real danger is you might die of boredom.
I've got a class anyway.
Okay.
Um, when do we meet again? Thursday? Okay, we'll go over your bibliography then.
- All right.
- Okay.
- See you later.
- Thanks.
Oh, Gary.
Tom was just telling me about his fellowship at Oxford next term.
Oh.
Take a raincoat.
Thank you, Gary.
Tom is such an idiot.
Do you think we could keep him out of the country for good? Oh, come on.
He's not so bad.
We missed you at the reception for Dr.
Nikoliab last week.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
I had Sixer tickets.
Was it a good crowd? Oh, Andy Morgan's wife got a little drunk and propositioned our guest in front of most of the department of Slavic studies.
Again? How's your class load this term? It's okay.
It's okay.
I wish my 19th Century Survey was later so I could sleep in, but other than that, it's fine.
- Is that all, Dr.
Shepherd? - No.
I'm plowing through Gawain in my Intro Humanities and I'm halfway to Canterbury in my Chaucer seminar.
Elena Brody told me that you had handed back a paper to a student with a Z on it.
- Elena Brody, huh? - With a Z? Well, I was trying to impress upon the freshmen the fact that grades aren't trophies.
Gary, we do have an accepted system of quantifying scholastic performance.
I know.
I know.
Well, if you know that, then I think you should know that it might be a little more prudent for you to more fully participate in a faculty meeting.
All right.
Well, maybe we can talk about that later in the week.
Go over your vitae, perhaps? Ah, yeah.
The tenure meeting.
Yes, the tenure meeting.
I should tell you that Elena Brody's package is very impressive.
Oh, well, I'll put in my order right away.
Flowers and champagne for every member of the department.
Gary, I never said the system was a good one.
In fact, you and I both know that it stinks, but it is the one that we are stuck with.
So when will I hear? When you hear.
Okay.
I remember when you moved in here.
Your mother was here.
Yeah.
And she cried.
Yeah, she saw you had a queen size bed, and she cried.
This is my first real place, Hope.
No roommates.
I didn't really want to live with Chris Foster.
He lived in a van.
His place was clean, it was cheap, and it could all be mine.
It only has one bedroom.
I thought you needed an office.
Well, I have an office at my office.
You think that this is a terrible idea, don't you? No, I don't think it's a terrible idea.
I was just wondering why you felt you had to rush into it.
I'm not rushing, Hope.
But there's a deadline if I want the insider's price.
You talked to Woodman? Yes, we talked about it.
Including my requisite total anxiety attack about major changes in the relationship.
I don't think that we're ready to live together.
How can anybody live with me? I can't live with me.
- I lived with you.
- I know.
For one summer.
And then we didn't even speak for three months afterwards, until you returned my tape deck.
Your tape deck? God, it's so weird how when I first moved into this place, I thought, Wow, this is my place.
You know? Next place I live in will probably be his place.
You know, whoever.
Boyfriend, lover, significant other.
- Husband? - Yeah, husband.
I don't know.
We work so hard not to be like our mothers, right? We've got all these things that they didn't have, all this freedom, and now I You know, Melissa's right.
Maybe I could paint the place, huh? Pull up the carpet.
Maybe there's a nice layer of concrete under there, sort of early industrial.
I shouldn't do this, should I? Oh, my.
There were never girls like this when we were in school.
Stacey Waterville.
Oh.
Oh.
Is Janey gonna look like that? Oh, is she gonna want to go out with college guys, like we were college guys? This is terrible.
Oh, I'm gonna have to do something about this.
She can't live in a dorm.
There's no way she's gonna live in a dorm.
- I mean, do you remember - Stacey Waterville.
I remember.
Oh, it's so green here.
So beautiful.
Oh, I can't deprive her of this.
I mean, even in winter, there's probably snow everywhere, and everybody has snowball fights on the way to class.
And then, in the spring, I remember the first warm day and all the girls are walking around barefoot.
They might as well have been naked, it was so sexy.
There's sexual tension everywhere.
She's going to a convent school.
It won't bother my family, will it? So, Gare, are we Are we getting an RSVP for the Harding Symposium? Naomi's been baking for a week.
Oh, you know, I have trouble reading anything written after 1800.
Could you believe Weiss yesterday? The man has about as much business being chairman of the English department as my Great-uncle Boris from Latvia.
Did you read his article on deconstruction? Yes.
Jejune.
Does that come before "Jejuly"? See what I have to put up with here? - Oh.
- This is two different worlds here, Mike.
You remember green lawns and bare feet.
I see bickering, backstabbing, and toady.
That's true in every job.
Yeah, but it's not supposed to be true here.
This is the academy.
It's supposed to be the preserver of something, of pure thought, unencumbered study, not territorial disputes.
You know, Shepherd, you've got to get past this.
You love it here, right? I've heard you lecture.
I see the way the coeds look at you.
You're a star.
This is your own realm.
I mean, you own this place.
I didn't say I didn't like it.
Well, you'll see.
You're gonna get tenure and then you'll be set for life.
Yeah, maybe.
Great is the glory of Shepherd, lord of all that is read and unread.
We anoint you.
Hail Lord Dr.
Shepherd! Long live Dr.
Shepherd! My lord, we have so little to offer you.
Hey, what about girl's volleyball practice? You know, volleyball.
They wear the tight little shorts.
The skimpy little T-shirts.
They jump up in the air.
- That's the library.
- Uh-huh.
Mrs.
Edelstein.
She knows the art collection, so you can exploit the masters with your tawdry commercial purposes.
Okay, Mrs.
Edelstein.
Did she play volleyball? - Go now.
- Okay.
See ya later.
- We'll just talk later, okay? - Okay.
Thanks.
Yep? I just heard.
I thought it might be easier if you heard it from me.
You're not getting the department's recommendation for the tenure committee.
- Who is? - Elena Brody.
I'm really sorry.
Is he gonna be okay? He's been watching golf for two hours.
Poor Gare.
- What's he gonna do? - I don't know.
We have to tell him something.
Cheer him up.
Something.
What? What are we gonna say? "Better luck seven years from now"? Michael, he's in there watching golf.
Wait.
Wait.
This guy's putting for birdie.
He's putting for birdie.
There's the putt.
Oh.
Too bad, bud.
Too bad.
So you need anything? Tenure.
Ha.
I should have gotten into film studies.
Glamour stuff, you know? Did I ever tell you I got accepted into the American Film Institute? - About a thousand times.
- Mmm.
I should have gone.
Live on the beach.
Drive a Jag.
Seriously, Gary, why don't you talk to this Weiss guy? I don't want to give him the satisfaction.
Yeah, but this is important.
It doesn't matter who's right.
Maybe it doesn't matter who's right.
Gary, the tenure committee hasn't met yet, right? So maybe the fact that you didn't get a recommendation No.
If they don't give you a recommendation, it's a waste of time.
Michael, say something.
Gary, this is worth fighting for.
Is there any mustard on this? - Single.
- Mm-hmm.
Look, you think I'll qualify? Is there anything that you need to tell me right up front, before we go through all this? - Variable or fixed rate? - Variable.
I mean, who wants to pay all those extra points, you know? Particularly since I'll probably only be there a couple years.
Really? Well, yes, although I could stay there longer.
I mean, I'm prepared to meet my obligation for the length of the loan.
How long is the loan? 30-year variable.
Unless you want 15.
Whoa, you don't have anything shorter? Gee, I was kind of thinking, you know, until next Monday when I get my paycheck.
What? What? What is that? It's your credit report.
Oh.
Oh, well, is that all? Gee, I have terrific credit.
Credit cards all over the place, I always pay my rent.
What's the problem? Look, if it's about the gym, the membership to the gym, I cancelled that before I even went there.
Couldn't even get on the equipment, it was so packed.
I think some of those women actually do live on those LifeCycles.
- I show an outstanding balance.
- No.
No, you don't.
Imposs Where? Oh, no.
Oh, no.
That is so impossible.
That is totally impossible.
That I took care of that, really.
It's in the report.
Well, the report is Is is wrong.
It shows an outstanding balance of $145, - dated May, 1984 - 1984.
Yes, well, in May, 1984, I bought one pair of off-white pumps to match a two-piece dress I paid way too much for to wear to Dana Paden's wedding.
- But the report says - I paid for these shoes with a store credit card.
I took them home.
I tried them on.
The heel fell off.
So I took the shoes back to the store.
But then I decided that I would really rather wear this sort of peach-colored thing to the wedding.
And I already had sandals that went with it perfectly, so I told the store that.
The store said, "Don't worry, the $145 charge" will not appear on your bill.
" But it did, naturally.
So I called the store, I explained everything.
They said, "Don't worry, we'll take care of it.
" But they didn't.
So for eight months, I shouted and screamed, they added interest and threatened me with collection agencies, until finally, I got so mad, I went to the president of the company, and I sat in his waiting room for 3 1/2 hours, and I told him that if he did not stop harassing me, I would file suit with the Federal Trade Commission.
And that was the end of it.
You've been in your current job how long? Uh, six years.
What? Can I have a word with you, Dr.
Shepherd? Depends on the word, Rog.
It's about my grade on this paper.
It's a B.
You think you could do better? Well, see, that's it.
I think I did do better.
I mean, I covered all the points you made in class, I read everything on the supplementary list.
And? And I think you could give me a better grade.
See, I'm pre-med, and I need an A in this course to give me a 3.
9.
Now, I haven't even gotten to organic yet Whoa, whoa, wait.
In other words, you think I should give you a better grade because after all, this is just Humanities 101, right? Well, I've done all the work and even the extra credit reading so Okay, Roger, have you thought about what you've read? Of course I have.
It's all there in my paper.
No, no.
What's here is a reshuffling of words.
Obviously I can see that you've read the material, that you can put together a sentence of English prose in a competent manner.
That's all I see here.
What do you mean? I Roger, tell me, what's an epic hero? It's someone who does heroic deeds.
- Name one.
- Achilles.
From outside the reading.
Custer.
Okay.
Custer.
Let's think about that for a minute, shall we? He was fearless, dashing, the youngest general in the Civil War.
But this is where you hang yourself, Rog.
Custer was a wacko.
His cause was annihilating the Indians in the Northern Plains.
Not a very heroic approach, not something for which you'd like to be remembered.
Custer, an epic hero? Wrong, Roger.
That's a Z.
You didn't even give me time to think.
There has to be a willingness to fight.
To fight for anything.
This isn't cowboys and Indians, Roger, it's fighting for a cause.
It's against the demons that you can't see.
Against hypocrisy, prejudice.
It's fighting for honor.
Do you get it, Rog? It's It's one man fighting against all the hostile forces of the universe.
Do you understand? Yeah.
Look, you better go, okay? Alden, hi.
Hi.
Can I talk to you for a second? Actually, I'm just on my way to a meeting The tenure meeting.
I know.
That's why I need to talk to you.
I'm afraid it's a little late for that.
What do you mean, it's a little late? Where were you a week ago when there was time to talk? "He gathered up the grim ax and guided it well.
"But the barb at the blade's end, brushed the bare throat.
" "He hammered down hard "yet harmed him no wit, "save a scratch on one side that severed the skin.
" "The end of the hooked edge entered the flesh.
A little blood leapt lightly to the earth.
" On the subject of Gary Shepherd's tenure.
I challenge you.
I challenge every one of you.
Mortal combat.
Dr.
Shepherd, this is a tenure committee.
What? Is there no man or woman among you prepared to do battle? Is there? Is there? Cowards! What about you, cowards? Well? I can't tell you anything.
You know that.
Why not, Alden? Gary, don't put me in this position.
What position's that? I think you better go back to your office.
- This isn't - Official procedure, huh? - That's right.
- Oh, I see.
Why are you hanging yourself? Oh, is that what I'm doing? Oh, I thought I've been working my butt off here for the last seven years.
I thought that's what I was doing.
Now listen, Dr.
Shepherd, I want you to know that you were considered just as impartially as the other candidates.
Your qualifications are generally quite impressive, but frankly, sometimes, you are a royal pain! Now, why couldn't you have prepared a little bit better for this? Or at least been a little bit more pragmatic? Pragmatic, oh.
Don't give me any of that holier than thou crap, Shepherd! You knew how this place worked when you signed on here.
- Did I get tenure? - No, you didn't.
Well, I bet you made a real impassioned plea.
You have no idea what I did or what No, but I can guess! I can guess! You haven't stuck your neck out once since the day O'Connor had a stroke and you realized you could be chairman of the English department! Yeah, I'll finish off the semester, and then that's it.
What are you gonna do then? Look for a job, I guess.
I don't know.
I still don't see how they can do this.
Oh, they did me a favor.
I've been in a rut for the last seven years there.
What do you mean, look for a job? You mean teach at another college? Yeah.
Whatever.
I guess.
I don't know.
- Excuse me? - A lot of people change careers.
Mall shop supervisor.
Utilization Analyst.
What do you mean change careers? You mean you would actually change careers? Yeah, why not? Because you're a teacher.
Oh, and that makes me totally unfit for any other human activity? - Gary - Hazardous materials.
Waste specialist.
Benefits include free lunch.
Wait.
Read me that one again.
Is this something that you've actually thought about, or is this like a hallucination you had over morning coffee? Ah, aesthete wanted.
Prefer overeducated dilettante.
Experience frowned upon.
- That's you, Gare.
- That's me.
Yeah, it's rough, huh? I mean welcome to the real world.
You don't play by their rules, you end up with gutter balls.
Well, at least you don't need a mineral supplement.
No, no.
There's a trick to it.
See? Okay.
Are you really giving up teaching? How can I stay? You know? I'll finish out the semester, but do you know how depressing it would be teaching there another year with everybody knowing I didn't get tenure? What do you care what everybody I mean, don't you just like teaching? I don't even know if that's the point anymore.
You know? And if they don't think so, I don't know if I should become a hypocrite and go along with it.
Hmhh! That rationalization almost hit me.
What do you know? You don't have these problems at City Hall.
You're joking, right? You're joking.
Right? Oh, my God.
Why do you think I went there to work in the first place? You like the building.
No, no.
I know.
It was the fringe benefits, right? - You're a jerk.
- I know why you went there.
It was to help people.
I had a masters in public administration, and yeah, damn right I wanted to help people.
Public administration.
That was the one with the shorter dissertation, right? I hate you.
It was much shorter, yes.
But I really did want to help people.
My God.
I came in there with three proposals on the homeless.
I had this whole plan on the elderly.
And it's, like, that's not what it's about there.
These people forget why they came.
You know? For them, it's about getting good tables at restaurants now and who can get the city to give 'em a car, who can work in the City Attorney's office 'cause soon they can get their picture in the paper.
Wow! You get your picture in the paper? Maybe I should get a job there.
Oh, God.
Why don't things work out the way we plan them? I'm personally offended by that.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, um so, how's your power? Any flickering frequent outages, anything like that? - No.
- No? Fireplace work okay? - Gary.
- Yeah.
Um what do you think about this place really? Well, a little boring.
You know? But functional.
Boring but functional.
That's a fate worse than death.
You know, we could put in a skylight.
Yeah? This is the top floor, right? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Oh, good.
You're checking the bathroom.
Um, because I think there's something living in my toilet.
- Hey, Gare? - Yeah.
Maybe you could try advertising.
Right.
Now, there's a creative field.
Good morning.
After I've humiliated Michael, then we get to work.
Then we have the bagel versus the doughnut debate.
It's kind of an ethnic clash here, you know, Michael and all.
Maybe you could help sway that vote with me here.
Huh? Huh? We're going a little too fast for Elliot, what is on the agenda? - King Copy Center.
- King Copy Center? Oh, I hear they're not very good.
Uh, King Copy Center.
Okay.
Gary, just, you know, come here.
Watch for a little while.
You'll get a feeling Chime in.
You know, chime in.
Say whatever you want to say.
But when we get rolling, it gets kind of intense here with the boys.
- Great.
- The King Copy Center.
- What do we got so far? - All right.
Uh Okay.
Uh, if you If you, uh, want money, go to the bank.
If you want copies, go to King.
Okay.
Okay.
Come on.
- It was late last night.
- That's a little long.
People are never gonna read all that.
Wait, wait.
Why Why wouldn't people read all that? What do you mean? Most people have a second grade reading level.
They only read, like, six words, maybe.
Okay.
Uh, Ki King King Copies.
We're We're the original.
We're original what? Royalty.
- Royalty.
- Royalty.
Okay, okay, okay.
Here we go.
Uh uh, pageantry, um, uh, coronation.
Uh, polo.
Uh, hemophilia.
Oh, no, no.
I got it.
King Copy less majesty at less cost to you.
You get it? It's actually pronounced lèse magisté, you know, but of course, they won't know that unless we explain it to them, right? Yeah.
Look, why don't you just just listen.
Just listen just a little bit longer.
Okay? Then you'll, you know, you'll get the flow of things.
- Yeah.
Here we go.
- Sure.
Uh, K Uh, Ki King, uh King Copies.
Uh, "A prince of a price.
" Uh, "A copy princes would love.
" You get the royal treatment at King's Copies.
- That's better.
- Now is the printer of our discontent.
"Now is the printer of our discontent"? You know, it's No, I know, I know.
It's good.
No, it's good.
I like that.
It's good.
That's really good.
It's just I don't think a lot of people that are gonna go to this place - are gonna be big fans of Shakespeare, so - No.
- We're gonna get a lot of people in off the street.
- Right.
They've got tax forms.
They've got résumés.
- Things like that.
- Simple.
- How do you know that? - Uh - It's the demographics.
- Demographics.
- You know, we do research.
- Really.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, sometimes, I mean, you know, between basketball games, we say, "Hey, maybe we should do a little work.
" And so these demographics, they tell you about the second grade reading level? No, Gary.
They tell us our market share all have doctorates in particle physics, actually.
Okay.
Uh, all right.
Um"This is the printer of our discontent.
" - Now.
- Now.
Now is the printer of our discon Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay, here you go.
You got You got the hunchback.
Right? And he's carrying all these books.
A copy shop! A copy shop! My kingdom for a copy shop! Copy shop.
You know.
Kingdom.
So in part two, I follow up on the water motif and some of the aspects of the hags' traditional relationship to water.
- Good.
- Only I don't want to get too deeply into that because.
Dr.
Gordon did that whole book on the image of the lake in Occidental mythology, and I know she'll hate it if she thinks I'm trying - to co-opt her.
- Wait.
What? Dr.
Gordon.
She's on my thesis committee, so I have to be careful about her specialty.
Do you really think like that? Like what? Well, I mean, all this political stuff.
You know? Well, I just want to be realistic.
Oh.
Oh, I see.
And it's more important to be realistic than it is to do a good job.
No, I didn't say that.
Dr.
Shepherd.
Dr.
Shepherd, could I talk to you No, Roger.
Roger, now's not a good time.
All right? Well, it's it's almost the end of the term.
- I have to make sure - Make sure of what? Could we talk about this when you're through here? 'Cause I really I really gotta settle this.
Here.
Why don't you two decide the grade? You know, it's not really the intrinsic value of the work that matters, is it? It's more the negotiation.
Politics, right? Excuse me.
Are you his teaching assistant or something? Could you change that grade for me? She's so beautiful.
Who do you think she looks like? I don't know.
That guy you went out with before me? I think she looks like your father.
Yeah? You think? Don't you? - Did you call Gary? - Why? Did he call? I'm supposed to call him back? - No, but I just thought - I'll call him tomorrow.
Michael, I think he needs you right now.
No, he doesn't need me.
He's lost.
Gary? No, no, no.
Gary's never lost.
Gary always lands on his feet.
Where do you want him to land them? Oh, it's just everything's so easy for him.
What? Yeah.
I mean, he put off his thesis for six years.
He wrote it in a week.
He got an A.
Didn't bother him.
I mean, he thinks he can just walk in, you know, and then do advertising.
I remember when I first met him when we started dating.
I thought he really hated me.
Gary? Mmm.
Well, I felt like I was taking you away from him, you know, and he was jealous and a little hurt.
And part of me was saying, "Ha ha, I win.
" - He didn't hate you.
- Hmm.
I think sometimes that he really misses you.
Uh-oh, it's the advertising police.
I promise I'll never think of another slogan again.
So this is where you indoctrinate the willing young minds.
Yeah, I'm lobbying for a return of the 12th century.
So, um I know this guy.
He's got a friend that's, uh, a career counselor.
Think I can get this painted on my car? They do, um, an extensive career profile.
You know, they find out exactly what you're suited for.
Is this sort of like those tests they give you in high school? Told me I should stay in shop class.
Supposed to be very good.
They have a placement service and everything.
Yeah, well, pass.
So, um this Dr.
Weiss guy.
Think maybe you can meet with him again, talk to him? - Mike - I'm trying to help.
I don't need any help.
What? I think you do.
Oh, well, well, fine.
I don't know.
You just I get the feeling that there's more going on here than just, uh I'm trying to get this right.
Than just what? Your whole attitude.
Your Your You seem unwilling to do anything to make this happen.
Well, there are principles involved here.
Oh, no, there are not.
Gary, this is your life we're talking about.
Same difference.
So you live according to, uh, you live a principled life.
Your words.
And if the rest of the world In this case, the English department Doesn't live up to your lofty standards, then the hell with them.
More or less.
Why do I find that so hard to believe? Well, that's your problem.
No, Gary.
That's your problem because you don't believe it, either.
Where do you get off having any idea what I believe? Because I know you, Shepherd.
Everything is a moral issue with you.
If the dry cleaner overcharges you, it's the breakdown of modern civilization.
If you're nailed for speeding, then suddenly we live in a police state.
In other words, I'm totally detached from reality, right? Yes, but that has nothing to do with it.
What I'm saying is that you're self-destructive.
Oh, the great catch-all phrase.
Anybody who's not safe, like some people I know, they're self-destructive.
Come here.
But all the people who aren't willing to risk their nice little lives with their cars and their perks and their little demographic strategies, to try and change what's wrong with society, they're balanced, they're settled.
What exactly are you risking? What exactly are you changing? What I see is that you don't want tenure.
You're using every means at your command to make sure you don't get it Not because these people are so bad, Gare, but because you'd be here for life.
- Hi, Dr.
Shepherd.
- You'd be attached to something.
You would have to accept its flaws.
You couldn't run off the first time something didn't meet up to your expectations, the way you have with every apartment, with every girl.
Math grades are posted in the middle of the next hall.
"But Gawain "at the great axe glanced up aside "as down it descended with death-dealing force.
"And his shoulders shrank a little "from the sharp iron.
"Abruptly, the brawny man breaks off a stroke "and then reproved with proud words, "that prince among knights, "'You are not Gawain the Glorious, "the green man said, "'that never fell back on field "'in the face of the foe.
"'And now you flee for fear and have felt no harm'.
" My first piano teacher, Mrs.
Alfred, she wore bedroom slippers and smoked Kools.
God, I hated piano lessons.
And, uh, I was in my 20s, and suddenly I realized that thanks to Mrs.
Alfred, I could play the piano.
I mean, not great.
I am not Horowitz, but I can play.
If you show me where to put my hands, I can play Heart and Soul.
Oh, man, what am I going to do? What am I going to do? I can't give it up.
There are other colleges, if you really want to teach.
Yeah, yeah.
And the other colleges are in other places, and if I want to teach, I'd have to go there, and I'd have to give up a life and friends that I've spent 16 years pulling together, and I don't know if I could do that, either.
I don't think I can.
Can I be incredibly selfish? I don't want you to go away.
Come in.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Oh, God, the cleaners.
Pay them all this money, and all they do is put your clothes under heavy books.
What are you doing here? - I was around.
- Right.
Well, help yourself to some coffee.
I will be right back.
Maybe we could have lunch.
Are you busy today? Oh, bad day for me.
These people are coming down from D.
C.
, this anti-gang group.
They promised to teach us how to read graffiti.
Sounds fun.
Okay, which ones? Which ones? Uh, silver.
Really? You think? What's this? What does it look like? Like you're picking out wallpaper.
For my apartment.
For my new co-op.
- But I thought you - I know what you thought.
How could I not know? You told me enough.
You thought, Ellyn, it's a bad idea, so naturally you assumed I wouldn't do it.
I never told you not to.
"Your place? You're kidding me.
" That's not what That's exactly what you said, Hope.
You and Michael, everybody.
It's like I couldn't do it.
We were I was just trying to help you.
Help me? God, you're acting like I was incapable of making a mature decision.
It's just such a big step.
Uhh, I'm just so tired of thinking, Where am I going to be in the next ten years? Will I be married? Will I be dead? I just have to start calling this my life right now, you know? Whether it's perfect or not, you can't keep living this fake rented existence forever.
So this place isn't perfect, either.
So what? I got to start somewhere, you know? So, Hope, could you just maybe be a little happy for me? Just fake it if you have to? Well, I guess it's kind of like buying your first bra.
You wish there was more there, but you got to start somewhere.
Yeah.
It is kind of like buying your first bra that you have to pay for for the next 30 years.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, I'm late.
Goodbye.
Bye.
Oh, the wallpaper.
Can I help you pick it out? No chance.
Spare me, gentle knight.
Tenure shalt thee have, and gold, and several attractive female teaching assistants.
Yaah! Oh, no.
I need to talk to you.
All right, all right.
Come on.
Shoot.
It's about my A.
I've been giving this a lot of thought, and I don't think you realize how important this is to me.
Oh, come on, Roger, of course I do.
Think I wasn't ever a student? You're making fun of me.
No, no.
I'm not making fun of you.
If I could get you to learn something.
Okay, granted, it may not be brain surgery or liposuction, but you might find it more useful than you think.
Plus, I have a standard.
When I give an A, it means something.
I'm not bring unfair or judgmental.
Of course you're judgmental! You're the teacher! - Roger - If I don't get into med school This is my plan.
This is the only thing I've ever thought of doing.
I have prepared my whole life.
- Really? - Everything I have ever done, it has all been for this.
I intend to go to med school.
I have to go to med school.
And it has to be one of the top five med schools so that I can get a good residency.
If I don't get it, I might as I won't go to med school in Mexico, and I can't let you stand in my way.
And if you are not going to give me my A - What? - I don't know! I don't know! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Look.
I didn't I didn't mean anything, really.
No, no, no.
Wait a minute.
No, R-Roger, for a minute there, you were almost epic.
Of course, you were also almost psychotic, but it's because something's missing here.
Why Why do you want to go to medical school? To be a doctor, of course.
I told you that.
Oh, no, no, you didn't.
This is the first time you've mentioned it.
Oh.
Well, I want to be a doctor.
Uh, how many doctors are in your family? There's three my father, my mother, and my brother.
How'd you know there were doctors in my family? Why do you want to be a doctor? I've always wanted to be a doctor.
Why? It's an interesting field.
Interesting? And I think I could be a good doctor.
And? And I guess I want to feel, you know, like I'm doing something good in the world.
Well, well, well.
A noble cause after all.
See, Rog? You understand the epic better than you know.
- Dr.
Shepherd? - Yes, Roger.
Does this mean I get my A? Ohh.
Okay, Roger.
Rework the paper, using your thinking this time, not everybody else's, all right? And we'll see.
- Okay? - Okay.
Whew.
Jake, wait up.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I had to return these books.
They're good books.
Janey liked the pictures.
Yeah? You remember Janey? She's the one that lives with her mother and her tactless, stupid father.
Yeah, yeah, I know him.
He's got this arrogant, stubborn friend from college who suffers from delusions of grandeur.
Yeah.
Nice sweater.
Yeah, thanks.
You know, you're a slime bag.
- Really? - I hate your guts.
You've completely ruined your life.
There's no chance of redeeming it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true.
But you're the most judgmental, obnoxious, co-opting person I have ever met, and worse than that, you're glad that I failed.
- Yeah, that's true.
- I know.
It's nice to be right.
So what are you going to do? Well, I guess I'll go find Alden Weiss and do some serious groveling.
Right? And life or otherwise.
- Alden, can I talk to you? - Now? Please? See, the truth is I want to stay.
- Stay here? - Yes, here at the college.
I want to keep teaching.
You picked a hell of a time to realize it.
I know, but have I blown it irrevocably? Oh, yes.
There's got to be something I can do.
- Really? - Yes.
What can you do? Petition.
I don't know.
Get an injunction.
Start a revolt.
You know, exact a death for a death.
I'll never rest until every Saxon in this shire can stand up free men and strike a blow for Richard and England.
Sir Walter Scott,Ivanhoe.
No, Errol Flynn, Robin Hood, 1938 version, you know, with that three-strip Technicolor.
It's my favorite one.
Alden, I need your help here.
Gary, I remember when the curriculum committee was proposing we cut the English Comp Literature, and you walked in.
You stood up, and you spoke about education, about life.
You were impassioned, and I was impressed.
Of course, they still dropped the requirement, but that's not the point, is it? No.
Do you want to file an appeal? Yes, sir, I really do.
Mm, that won't be pretty.
I know.
I know it's going to be It's going to be an uphill battle, and I have to tell you that I hate uphill battles.
I know.
But I do have a couple of favors I can call in on the committee.
I appreciate that.
Because frankly I would like to keep you around.
The kids love you, and I enjoy watching you needle the rest of the faculty.
Plus now I'm going to need an ally against Elena Brody.
Yeah, I guess so.
And you're going to have to play some departmental games.
- Oh, I know.
- A little.
I will.
I will.
Thanks, Alden.
I'm not at all sure you should be thanking me.
I want to see you in my office tomorrow morning at 8:30.
Okay.
Package with all your papers, recommendations, and this time, please leave out the one from your ski instructor.
She did know her Icelandic Sagas very well.
- Gary.
- I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
You're going to have to file an appeal with Dr.
Braddock, who's the original organizing
I mean, co-op.
But then I Is this fried chicken? - No.
Potato salad.
- Then I thought, you know, I have treated my apartment like a hotel room ever since I moved in.
I mean, I might as well have had my TV mounted on the wall.
And I thought this is really gonna force me to do something about it.
Wait a minute.
What are you saying here? I'm saying that it's a really, really good offer, and it's really hard to refuse.
You mean you're gonna buy your apartment? Well, well, yes.
If I don't, I'd have to move into another apartment.
- But you hate your apartment.
- No.
No, I don't hate my apartment.
My apartment has charm.
Well, my apartment has Has potential.
My apartment has resale value.
When will you hear? Oh, the English department has to recommend me first.
That should happen sometime this week.
They love you, right? Your students love you.
Yeah, but what does teaching ability have to do with tenure? I hate tenure talk.
I don't know how it works.
Thirty-seven You show them everything you've published and That shouldn't take long.
What was that one article? Oh, yes.
"Aspects of Early English Alliterative Poetry.
" Oh, that was my favorite.
What a plot.
Yes, but did you read the action-packed sequel, "The Motif Index of Early Icelandic Folktales"? - Is it out in paperback? - Anyway, you've published.
- You're a semi-reputable guy.
- Oh, yeah.
But it's all politics, you know.
It's who you have lunch with, how many footnotes you have, which conferences you speak at.
- I'm not good at that stuff.
- Gary the Good.
Gary the Pure.
Oh, I can't believe I've been here seven years teaching already.
It takes seven years to get tenure? It would be seven.
It's so mythic.
- Am I ever gonna finish this thing? - Yes.
Yes, you are.
Because I'll make you.
See what you have to look forward to here, class? Today it's Humanities 101.
In a few short years, you, too, could be writing an incredibly obscure senior thesis and have your very own Carol at the library.
- Okay, Sir Gawain, yes? - Yeah.
Where were we? Did you get to the part where he doesn't sleep with her yet? All right.
Um, it's New Year's Eve, yes? And everybody's assembled King Arthur, all of his heroes.
And this guy rides in.
I mean, you don't challenge King Arthur.
I mean, you have to understand this.
This is unbelievable.
This guy rides a horse into the hall and challenges everybody.
And nobody has the guts until Gawain stands up.
"I'll do it," he says.
Pulls out his sword and whacks the guy's head off.
I mean, bam! The head rolls down on the floor.
Only the guy's not dead.
He reaches down, picks up his own head, and the head talks.
"Next year, pal, I get to do this to you.
" So "With a roisterous rush, "he flings around the reins, "hurdles out at the hall door his head in his hands.
"But the flint fire flew from the flashing hooves.
"Which way he went not one of them knew, nor whence he was come, and the wide world so fair" What? Roger, what? Yeah.
Before you get started, I want to know about the final.
Is that gonna cover the whole syllabus or just the second half? The whole enchilada.
But don't worry about it, okay? I mean, if you've read the material and been here once in a while and stayed awake 40, 45% of the time, you'll do fine, okay? - Okay.
- Good.
Okay, there you have it, anyway.
The guy sets off on a quest.
And what's the point of this quest? It's to have a 7-foot tall green guy kill him at the end of it.
So what's the point of that? Okay, Andrea.
Give.
The nature of honor in the tale of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight.
No, I get the feeling that you've covered the traditional authorities pretty well.
I wonder if you've gone into the analogs deeply enough, that's all.
Do you think I should get involved in the Near Eastern stuff? I mean, I've read a lot of her background, and I don't want to get tangled up in Medusa.
"Tangled up in Medusa.
" I like that.
- That's good.
That's good.
- Ha ha.
No, really.
I I just want to get the feeling that you've mastered the antecedents, that's all.
And that cross-cultural stuff could be a lot of fun.
No, it can.
It can.
Let's go over your bibliography.
Wait, wait.
I can't go in there.
- Why not? - It's for faculty.
- I'm faculty.
- I'm not.
They'll put my eyes out or something if I go in there.
No, I think the real danger is you might die of boredom.
I've got a class anyway.
Okay.
Um, when do we meet again? Thursday? Okay, we'll go over your bibliography then.
- All right.
- Okay.
- See you later.
- Thanks.
Oh, Gary.
Tom was just telling me about his fellowship at Oxford next term.
Oh.
Take a raincoat.
Thank you, Gary.
Tom is such an idiot.
Do you think we could keep him out of the country for good? Oh, come on.
He's not so bad.
We missed you at the reception for Dr.
Nikoliab last week.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
I had Sixer tickets.
Was it a good crowd? Oh, Andy Morgan's wife got a little drunk and propositioned our guest in front of most of the department of Slavic studies.
Again? How's your class load this term? It's okay.
It's okay.
I wish my 19th Century Survey was later so I could sleep in, but other than that, it's fine.
- Is that all, Dr.
Shepherd? - No.
I'm plowing through Gawain in my Intro Humanities and I'm halfway to Canterbury in my Chaucer seminar.
Elena Brody told me that you had handed back a paper to a student with a Z on it.
- Elena Brody, huh? - With a Z? Well, I was trying to impress upon the freshmen the fact that grades aren't trophies.
Gary, we do have an accepted system of quantifying scholastic performance.
I know.
I know.
Well, if you know that, then I think you should know that it might be a little more prudent for you to more fully participate in a faculty meeting.
All right.
Well, maybe we can talk about that later in the week.
Go over your vitae, perhaps? Ah, yeah.
The tenure meeting.
Yes, the tenure meeting.
I should tell you that Elena Brody's package is very impressive.
Oh, well, I'll put in my order right away.
Flowers and champagne for every member of the department.
Gary, I never said the system was a good one.
In fact, you and I both know that it stinks, but it is the one that we are stuck with.
So when will I hear? When you hear.
Okay.
I remember when you moved in here.
Your mother was here.
Yeah.
And she cried.
Yeah, she saw you had a queen size bed, and she cried.
This is my first real place, Hope.
No roommates.
I didn't really want to live with Chris Foster.
He lived in a van.
His place was clean, it was cheap, and it could all be mine.
It only has one bedroom.
I thought you needed an office.
Well, I have an office at my office.
You think that this is a terrible idea, don't you? No, I don't think it's a terrible idea.
I was just wondering why you felt you had to rush into it.
I'm not rushing, Hope.
But there's a deadline if I want the insider's price.
You talked to Woodman? Yes, we talked about it.
Including my requisite total anxiety attack about major changes in the relationship.
I don't think that we're ready to live together.
How can anybody live with me? I can't live with me.
- I lived with you.
- I know.
For one summer.
And then we didn't even speak for three months afterwards, until you returned my tape deck.
Your tape deck? God, it's so weird how when I first moved into this place, I thought, Wow, this is my place.
You know? Next place I live in will probably be his place.
You know, whoever.
Boyfriend, lover, significant other.
- Husband? - Yeah, husband.
I don't know.
We work so hard not to be like our mothers, right? We've got all these things that they didn't have, all this freedom, and now I You know, Melissa's right.
Maybe I could paint the place, huh? Pull up the carpet.
Maybe there's a nice layer of concrete under there, sort of early industrial.
I shouldn't do this, should I? Oh, my.
There were never girls like this when we were in school.
Stacey Waterville.
Oh.
Oh.
Is Janey gonna look like that? Oh, is she gonna want to go out with college guys, like we were college guys? This is terrible.
Oh, I'm gonna have to do something about this.
She can't live in a dorm.
There's no way she's gonna live in a dorm.
- I mean, do you remember - Stacey Waterville.
I remember.
Oh, it's so green here.
So beautiful.
Oh, I can't deprive her of this.
I mean, even in winter, there's probably snow everywhere, and everybody has snowball fights on the way to class.
And then, in the spring, I remember the first warm day and all the girls are walking around barefoot.
They might as well have been naked, it was so sexy.
There's sexual tension everywhere.
She's going to a convent school.
It won't bother my family, will it? So, Gare, are we Are we getting an RSVP for the Harding Symposium? Naomi's been baking for a week.
Oh, you know, I have trouble reading anything written after 1800.
Could you believe Weiss yesterday? The man has about as much business being chairman of the English department as my Great-uncle Boris from Latvia.
Did you read his article on deconstruction? Yes.
Jejune.
Does that come before "Jejuly"? See what I have to put up with here? - Oh.
- This is two different worlds here, Mike.
You remember green lawns and bare feet.
I see bickering, backstabbing, and toady.
That's true in every job.
Yeah, but it's not supposed to be true here.
This is the academy.
It's supposed to be the preserver of something, of pure thought, unencumbered study, not territorial disputes.
You know, Shepherd, you've got to get past this.
You love it here, right? I've heard you lecture.
I see the way the coeds look at you.
You're a star.
This is your own realm.
I mean, you own this place.
I didn't say I didn't like it.
Well, you'll see.
You're gonna get tenure and then you'll be set for life.
Yeah, maybe.
Great is the glory of Shepherd, lord of all that is read and unread.
We anoint you.
Hail Lord Dr.
Shepherd! Long live Dr.
Shepherd! My lord, we have so little to offer you.
Hey, what about girl's volleyball practice? You know, volleyball.
They wear the tight little shorts.
The skimpy little T-shirts.
They jump up in the air.
- That's the library.
- Uh-huh.
Mrs.
Edelstein.
She knows the art collection, so you can exploit the masters with your tawdry commercial purposes.
Okay, Mrs.
Edelstein.
Did she play volleyball? - Go now.
- Okay.
See ya later.
- We'll just talk later, okay? - Okay.
Thanks.
Yep? I just heard.
I thought it might be easier if you heard it from me.
You're not getting the department's recommendation for the tenure committee.
- Who is? - Elena Brody.
I'm really sorry.
Is he gonna be okay? He's been watching golf for two hours.
Poor Gare.
- What's he gonna do? - I don't know.
We have to tell him something.
Cheer him up.
Something.
What? What are we gonna say? "Better luck seven years from now"? Michael, he's in there watching golf.
Wait.
Wait.
This guy's putting for birdie.
He's putting for birdie.
There's the putt.
Oh.
Too bad, bud.
Too bad.
So you need anything? Tenure.
Ha.
I should have gotten into film studies.
Glamour stuff, you know? Did I ever tell you I got accepted into the American Film Institute? - About a thousand times.
- Mmm.
I should have gone.
Live on the beach.
Drive a Jag.
Seriously, Gary, why don't you talk to this Weiss guy? I don't want to give him the satisfaction.
Yeah, but this is important.
It doesn't matter who's right.
Maybe it doesn't matter who's right.
Gary, the tenure committee hasn't met yet, right? So maybe the fact that you didn't get a recommendation No.
If they don't give you a recommendation, it's a waste of time.
Michael, say something.
Gary, this is worth fighting for.
Is there any mustard on this? - Single.
- Mm-hmm.
Look, you think I'll qualify? Is there anything that you need to tell me right up front, before we go through all this? - Variable or fixed rate? - Variable.
I mean, who wants to pay all those extra points, you know? Particularly since I'll probably only be there a couple years.
Really? Well, yes, although I could stay there longer.
I mean, I'm prepared to meet my obligation for the length of the loan.
How long is the loan? 30-year variable.
Unless you want 15.
Whoa, you don't have anything shorter? Gee, I was kind of thinking, you know, until next Monday when I get my paycheck.
What? What? What is that? It's your credit report.
Oh.
Oh, well, is that all? Gee, I have terrific credit.
Credit cards all over the place, I always pay my rent.
What's the problem? Look, if it's about the gym, the membership to the gym, I cancelled that before I even went there.
Couldn't even get on the equipment, it was so packed.
I think some of those women actually do live on those LifeCycles.
- I show an outstanding balance.
- No.
No, you don't.
Imposs Where? Oh, no.
Oh, no.
That is so impossible.
That is totally impossible.
That I took care of that, really.
It's in the report.
Well, the report is Is is wrong.
It shows an outstanding balance of $145, - dated May, 1984 - 1984.
Yes, well, in May, 1984, I bought one pair of off-white pumps to match a two-piece dress I paid way too much for to wear to Dana Paden's wedding.
- But the report says - I paid for these shoes with a store credit card.
I took them home.
I tried them on.
The heel fell off.
So I took the shoes back to the store.
But then I decided that I would really rather wear this sort of peach-colored thing to the wedding.
And I already had sandals that went with it perfectly, so I told the store that.
The store said, "Don't worry, the $145 charge" will not appear on your bill.
" But it did, naturally.
So I called the store, I explained everything.
They said, "Don't worry, we'll take care of it.
" But they didn't.
So for eight months, I shouted and screamed, they added interest and threatened me with collection agencies, until finally, I got so mad, I went to the president of the company, and I sat in his waiting room for 3 1/2 hours, and I told him that if he did not stop harassing me, I would file suit with the Federal Trade Commission.
And that was the end of it.
You've been in your current job how long? Uh, six years.
What? Can I have a word with you, Dr.
Shepherd? Depends on the word, Rog.
It's about my grade on this paper.
It's a B.
You think you could do better? Well, see, that's it.
I think I did do better.
I mean, I covered all the points you made in class, I read everything on the supplementary list.
And? And I think you could give me a better grade.
See, I'm pre-med, and I need an A in this course to give me a 3.
9.
Now, I haven't even gotten to organic yet Whoa, whoa, wait.
In other words, you think I should give you a better grade because after all, this is just Humanities 101, right? Well, I've done all the work and even the extra credit reading so Okay, Roger, have you thought about what you've read? Of course I have.
It's all there in my paper.
No, no.
What's here is a reshuffling of words.
Obviously I can see that you've read the material, that you can put together a sentence of English prose in a competent manner.
That's all I see here.
What do you mean? I Roger, tell me, what's an epic hero? It's someone who does heroic deeds.
- Name one.
- Achilles.
From outside the reading.
Custer.
Okay.
Custer.
Let's think about that for a minute, shall we? He was fearless, dashing, the youngest general in the Civil War.
But this is where you hang yourself, Rog.
Custer was a wacko.
His cause was annihilating the Indians in the Northern Plains.
Not a very heroic approach, not something for which you'd like to be remembered.
Custer, an epic hero? Wrong, Roger.
That's a Z.
You didn't even give me time to think.
There has to be a willingness to fight.
To fight for anything.
This isn't cowboys and Indians, Roger, it's fighting for a cause.
It's against the demons that you can't see.
Against hypocrisy, prejudice.
It's fighting for honor.
Do you get it, Rog? It's It's one man fighting against all the hostile forces of the universe.
Do you understand? Yeah.
Look, you better go, okay? Alden, hi.
Hi.
Can I talk to you for a second? Actually, I'm just on my way to a meeting The tenure meeting.
I know.
That's why I need to talk to you.
I'm afraid it's a little late for that.
What do you mean, it's a little late? Where were you a week ago when there was time to talk? "He gathered up the grim ax and guided it well.
"But the barb at the blade's end, brushed the bare throat.
" "He hammered down hard "yet harmed him no wit, "save a scratch on one side that severed the skin.
" "The end of the hooked edge entered the flesh.
A little blood leapt lightly to the earth.
" On the subject of Gary Shepherd's tenure.
I challenge you.
I challenge every one of you.
Mortal combat.
Dr.
Shepherd, this is a tenure committee.
What? Is there no man or woman among you prepared to do battle? Is there? Is there? Cowards! What about you, cowards? Well? I can't tell you anything.
You know that.
Why not, Alden? Gary, don't put me in this position.
What position's that? I think you better go back to your office.
- This isn't - Official procedure, huh? - That's right.
- Oh, I see.
Why are you hanging yourself? Oh, is that what I'm doing? Oh, I thought I've been working my butt off here for the last seven years.
I thought that's what I was doing.
Now listen, Dr.
Shepherd, I want you to know that you were considered just as impartially as the other candidates.
Your qualifications are generally quite impressive, but frankly, sometimes, you are a royal pain! Now, why couldn't you have prepared a little bit better for this? Or at least been a little bit more pragmatic? Pragmatic, oh.
Don't give me any of that holier than thou crap, Shepherd! You knew how this place worked when you signed on here.
- Did I get tenure? - No, you didn't.
Well, I bet you made a real impassioned plea.
You have no idea what I did or what No, but I can guess! I can guess! You haven't stuck your neck out once since the day O'Connor had a stroke and you realized you could be chairman of the English department! Yeah, I'll finish off the semester, and then that's it.
What are you gonna do then? Look for a job, I guess.
I don't know.
I still don't see how they can do this.
Oh, they did me a favor.
I've been in a rut for the last seven years there.
What do you mean, look for a job? You mean teach at another college? Yeah.
Whatever.
I guess.
I don't know.
- Excuse me? - A lot of people change careers.
Mall shop supervisor.
Utilization Analyst.
What do you mean change careers? You mean you would actually change careers? Yeah, why not? Because you're a teacher.
Oh, and that makes me totally unfit for any other human activity? - Gary - Hazardous materials.
Waste specialist.
Benefits include free lunch.
Wait.
Read me that one again.
Is this something that you've actually thought about, or is this like a hallucination you had over morning coffee? Ah, aesthete wanted.
Prefer overeducated dilettante.
Experience frowned upon.
- That's you, Gare.
- That's me.
Yeah, it's rough, huh? I mean welcome to the real world.
You don't play by their rules, you end up with gutter balls.
Well, at least you don't need a mineral supplement.
No, no.
There's a trick to it.
See? Okay.
Are you really giving up teaching? How can I stay? You know? I'll finish out the semester, but do you know how depressing it would be teaching there another year with everybody knowing I didn't get tenure? What do you care what everybody I mean, don't you just like teaching? I don't even know if that's the point anymore.
You know? And if they don't think so, I don't know if I should become a hypocrite and go along with it.
Hmhh! That rationalization almost hit me.
What do you know? You don't have these problems at City Hall.
You're joking, right? You're joking.
Right? Oh, my God.
Why do you think I went there to work in the first place? You like the building.
No, no.
I know.
It was the fringe benefits, right? - You're a jerk.
- I know why you went there.
It was to help people.
I had a masters in public administration, and yeah, damn right I wanted to help people.
Public administration.
That was the one with the shorter dissertation, right? I hate you.
It was much shorter, yes.
But I really did want to help people.
My God.
I came in there with three proposals on the homeless.
I had this whole plan on the elderly.
And it's, like, that's not what it's about there.
These people forget why they came.
You know? For them, it's about getting good tables at restaurants now and who can get the city to give 'em a car, who can work in the City Attorney's office 'cause soon they can get their picture in the paper.
Wow! You get your picture in the paper? Maybe I should get a job there.
Oh, God.
Why don't things work out the way we plan them? I'm personally offended by that.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, um so, how's your power? Any flickering frequent outages, anything like that? - No.
- No? Fireplace work okay? - Gary.
- Yeah.
Um what do you think about this place really? Well, a little boring.
You know? But functional.
Boring but functional.
That's a fate worse than death.
You know, we could put in a skylight.
Yeah? This is the top floor, right? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Oh, good.
You're checking the bathroom.
Um, because I think there's something living in my toilet.
- Hey, Gare? - Yeah.
Maybe you could try advertising.
Right.
Now, there's a creative field.
Good morning.
After I've humiliated Michael, then we get to work.
Then we have the bagel versus the doughnut debate.
It's kind of an ethnic clash here, you know, Michael and all.
Maybe you could help sway that vote with me here.
Huh? Huh? We're going a little too fast for Elliot, what is on the agenda? - King Copy Center.
- King Copy Center? Oh, I hear they're not very good.
Uh, King Copy Center.
Okay.
Gary, just, you know, come here.
Watch for a little while.
You'll get a feeling Chime in.
You know, chime in.
Say whatever you want to say.
But when we get rolling, it gets kind of intense here with the boys.
- Great.
- The King Copy Center.
- What do we got so far? - All right.
Uh Okay.
Uh, if you If you, uh, want money, go to the bank.
If you want copies, go to King.
Okay.
Okay.
Come on.
- It was late last night.
- That's a little long.
People are never gonna read all that.
Wait, wait.
Why Why wouldn't people read all that? What do you mean? Most people have a second grade reading level.
They only read, like, six words, maybe.
Okay.
Uh, Ki King King Copies.
We're We're the original.
We're original what? Royalty.
- Royalty.
- Royalty.
Okay, okay, okay.
Here we go.
Uh uh, pageantry, um, uh, coronation.
Uh, polo.
Uh, hemophilia.
Oh, no, no.
I got it.
King Copy less majesty at less cost to you.
You get it? It's actually pronounced lèse magisté, you know, but of course, they won't know that unless we explain it to them, right? Yeah.
Look, why don't you just just listen.
Just listen just a little bit longer.
Okay? Then you'll, you know, you'll get the flow of things.
- Yeah.
Here we go.
- Sure.
Uh, K Uh, Ki King, uh King Copies.
Uh, "A prince of a price.
" Uh, "A copy princes would love.
" You get the royal treatment at King's Copies.
- That's better.
- Now is the printer of our discontent.
"Now is the printer of our discontent"? You know, it's No, I know, I know.
It's good.
No, it's good.
I like that.
It's good.
That's really good.
It's just I don't think a lot of people that are gonna go to this place - are gonna be big fans of Shakespeare, so - No.
- We're gonna get a lot of people in off the street.
- Right.
They've got tax forms.
They've got résumés.
- Things like that.
- Simple.
- How do you know that? - Uh - It's the demographics.
- Demographics.
- You know, we do research.
- Really.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, sometimes, I mean, you know, between basketball games, we say, "Hey, maybe we should do a little work.
" And so these demographics, they tell you about the second grade reading level? No, Gary.
They tell us our market share all have doctorates in particle physics, actually.
Okay.
Uh, all right.
Um"This is the printer of our discontent.
" - Now.
- Now.
Now is the printer of our discon Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay, here you go.
You got You got the hunchback.
Right? And he's carrying all these books.
A copy shop! A copy shop! My kingdom for a copy shop! Copy shop.
You know.
Kingdom.
So in part two, I follow up on the water motif and some of the aspects of the hags' traditional relationship to water.
- Good.
- Only I don't want to get too deeply into that because.
Dr.
Gordon did that whole book on the image of the lake in Occidental mythology, and I know she'll hate it if she thinks I'm trying - to co-opt her.
- Wait.
What? Dr.
Gordon.
She's on my thesis committee, so I have to be careful about her specialty.
Do you really think like that? Like what? Well, I mean, all this political stuff.
You know? Well, I just want to be realistic.
Oh.
Oh, I see.
And it's more important to be realistic than it is to do a good job.
No, I didn't say that.
Dr.
Shepherd.
Dr.
Shepherd, could I talk to you No, Roger.
Roger, now's not a good time.
All right? Well, it's it's almost the end of the term.
- I have to make sure - Make sure of what? Could we talk about this when you're through here? 'Cause I really I really gotta settle this.
Here.
Why don't you two decide the grade? You know, it's not really the intrinsic value of the work that matters, is it? It's more the negotiation.
Politics, right? Excuse me.
Are you his teaching assistant or something? Could you change that grade for me? She's so beautiful.
Who do you think she looks like? I don't know.
That guy you went out with before me? I think she looks like your father.
Yeah? You think? Don't you? - Did you call Gary? - Why? Did he call? I'm supposed to call him back? - No, but I just thought - I'll call him tomorrow.
Michael, I think he needs you right now.
No, he doesn't need me.
He's lost.
Gary? No, no, no.
Gary's never lost.
Gary always lands on his feet.
Where do you want him to land them? Oh, it's just everything's so easy for him.
What? Yeah.
I mean, he put off his thesis for six years.
He wrote it in a week.
He got an A.
Didn't bother him.
I mean, he thinks he can just walk in, you know, and then do advertising.
I remember when I first met him when we started dating.
I thought he really hated me.
Gary? Mmm.
Well, I felt like I was taking you away from him, you know, and he was jealous and a little hurt.
And part of me was saying, "Ha ha, I win.
" - He didn't hate you.
- Hmm.
I think sometimes that he really misses you.
Uh-oh, it's the advertising police.
I promise I'll never think of another slogan again.
So this is where you indoctrinate the willing young minds.
Yeah, I'm lobbying for a return of the 12th century.
So, um I know this guy.
He's got a friend that's, uh, a career counselor.
Think I can get this painted on my car? They do, um, an extensive career profile.
You know, they find out exactly what you're suited for.
Is this sort of like those tests they give you in high school? Told me I should stay in shop class.
Supposed to be very good.
They have a placement service and everything.
Yeah, well, pass.
So, um this Dr.
Weiss guy.
Think maybe you can meet with him again, talk to him? - Mike - I'm trying to help.
I don't need any help.
What? I think you do.
Oh, well, well, fine.
I don't know.
You just I get the feeling that there's more going on here than just, uh I'm trying to get this right.
Than just what? Your whole attitude.
Your Your You seem unwilling to do anything to make this happen.
Well, there are principles involved here.
Oh, no, there are not.
Gary, this is your life we're talking about.
Same difference.
So you live according to, uh, you live a principled life.
Your words.
And if the rest of the world In this case, the English department Doesn't live up to your lofty standards, then the hell with them.
More or less.
Why do I find that so hard to believe? Well, that's your problem.
No, Gary.
That's your problem because you don't believe it, either.
Where do you get off having any idea what I believe? Because I know you, Shepherd.
Everything is a moral issue with you.
If the dry cleaner overcharges you, it's the breakdown of modern civilization.
If you're nailed for speeding, then suddenly we live in a police state.
In other words, I'm totally detached from reality, right? Yes, but that has nothing to do with it.
What I'm saying is that you're self-destructive.
Oh, the great catch-all phrase.
Anybody who's not safe, like some people I know, they're self-destructive.
Come here.
But all the people who aren't willing to risk their nice little lives with their cars and their perks and their little demographic strategies, to try and change what's wrong with society, they're balanced, they're settled.
What exactly are you risking? What exactly are you changing? What I see is that you don't want tenure.
You're using every means at your command to make sure you don't get it Not because these people are so bad, Gare, but because you'd be here for life.
- Hi, Dr.
Shepherd.
- You'd be attached to something.
You would have to accept its flaws.
You couldn't run off the first time something didn't meet up to your expectations, the way you have with every apartment, with every girl.
Math grades are posted in the middle of the next hall.
"But Gawain "at the great axe glanced up aside "as down it descended with death-dealing force.
"And his shoulders shrank a little "from the sharp iron.
"Abruptly, the brawny man breaks off a stroke "and then reproved with proud words, "that prince among knights, "'You are not Gawain the Glorious, "the green man said, "'that never fell back on field "'in the face of the foe.
"'And now you flee for fear and have felt no harm'.
" My first piano teacher, Mrs.
Alfred, she wore bedroom slippers and smoked Kools.
God, I hated piano lessons.
And, uh, I was in my 20s, and suddenly I realized that thanks to Mrs.
Alfred, I could play the piano.
I mean, not great.
I am not Horowitz, but I can play.
If you show me where to put my hands, I can play Heart and Soul.
Oh, man, what am I going to do? What am I going to do? I can't give it up.
There are other colleges, if you really want to teach.
Yeah, yeah.
And the other colleges are in other places, and if I want to teach, I'd have to go there, and I'd have to give up a life and friends that I've spent 16 years pulling together, and I don't know if I could do that, either.
I don't think I can.
Can I be incredibly selfish? I don't want you to go away.
Come in.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Oh, God, the cleaners.
Pay them all this money, and all they do is put your clothes under heavy books.
What are you doing here? - I was around.
- Right.
Well, help yourself to some coffee.
I will be right back.
Maybe we could have lunch.
Are you busy today? Oh, bad day for me.
These people are coming down from D.
C.
, this anti-gang group.
They promised to teach us how to read graffiti.
Sounds fun.
Okay, which ones? Which ones? Uh, silver.
Really? You think? What's this? What does it look like? Like you're picking out wallpaper.
For my apartment.
For my new co-op.
- But I thought you - I know what you thought.
How could I not know? You told me enough.
You thought, Ellyn, it's a bad idea, so naturally you assumed I wouldn't do it.
I never told you not to.
"Your place? You're kidding me.
" That's not what That's exactly what you said, Hope.
You and Michael, everybody.
It's like I couldn't do it.
We were I was just trying to help you.
Help me? God, you're acting like I was incapable of making a mature decision.
It's just such a big step.
Uhh, I'm just so tired of thinking, Where am I going to be in the next ten years? Will I be married? Will I be dead? I just have to start calling this my life right now, you know? Whether it's perfect or not, you can't keep living this fake rented existence forever.
So this place isn't perfect, either.
So what? I got to start somewhere, you know? So, Hope, could you just maybe be a little happy for me? Just fake it if you have to? Well, I guess it's kind of like buying your first bra.
You wish there was more there, but you got to start somewhere.
Yeah.
It is kind of like buying your first bra that you have to pay for for the next 30 years.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, I'm late.
Goodbye.
Bye.
Oh, the wallpaper.
Can I help you pick it out? No chance.
Spare me, gentle knight.
Tenure shalt thee have, and gold, and several attractive female teaching assistants.
Yaah! Oh, no.
I need to talk to you.
All right, all right.
Come on.
Shoot.
It's about my A.
I've been giving this a lot of thought, and I don't think you realize how important this is to me.
Oh, come on, Roger, of course I do.
Think I wasn't ever a student? You're making fun of me.
No, no.
I'm not making fun of you.
If I could get you to learn something.
Okay, granted, it may not be brain surgery or liposuction, but you might find it more useful than you think.
Plus, I have a standard.
When I give an A, it means something.
I'm not bring unfair or judgmental.
Of course you're judgmental! You're the teacher! - Roger - If I don't get into med school This is my plan.
This is the only thing I've ever thought of doing.
I have prepared my whole life.
- Really? - Everything I have ever done, it has all been for this.
I intend to go to med school.
I have to go to med school.
And it has to be one of the top five med schools so that I can get a good residency.
If I don't get it, I might as I won't go to med school in Mexico, and I can't let you stand in my way.
And if you are not going to give me my A - What? - I don't know! I don't know! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Look.
I didn't I didn't mean anything, really.
No, no, no.
Wait a minute.
No, R-Roger, for a minute there, you were almost epic.
Of course, you were also almost psychotic, but it's because something's missing here.
Why Why do you want to go to medical school? To be a doctor, of course.
I told you that.
Oh, no, no, you didn't.
This is the first time you've mentioned it.
Oh.
Well, I want to be a doctor.
Uh, how many doctors are in your family? There's three my father, my mother, and my brother.
How'd you know there were doctors in my family? Why do you want to be a doctor? I've always wanted to be a doctor.
Why? It's an interesting field.
Interesting? And I think I could be a good doctor.
And? And I guess I want to feel, you know, like I'm doing something good in the world.
Well, well, well.
A noble cause after all.
See, Rog? You understand the epic better than you know.
- Dr.
Shepherd? - Yes, Roger.
Does this mean I get my A? Ohh.
Okay, Roger.
Rework the paper, using your thinking this time, not everybody else's, all right? And we'll see.
- Okay? - Okay.
Whew.
Jake, wait up.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I had to return these books.
They're good books.
Janey liked the pictures.
Yeah? You remember Janey? She's the one that lives with her mother and her tactless, stupid father.
Yeah, yeah, I know him.
He's got this arrogant, stubborn friend from college who suffers from delusions of grandeur.
Yeah.
Nice sweater.
Yeah, thanks.
You know, you're a slime bag.
- Really? - I hate your guts.
You've completely ruined your life.
There's no chance of redeeming it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true.
But you're the most judgmental, obnoxious, co-opting person I have ever met, and worse than that, you're glad that I failed.
- Yeah, that's true.
- I know.
It's nice to be right.
So what are you going to do? Well, I guess I'll go find Alden Weiss and do some serious groveling.
Right? And life or otherwise.
- Alden, can I talk to you? - Now? Please? See, the truth is I want to stay.
- Stay here? - Yes, here at the college.
I want to keep teaching.
You picked a hell of a time to realize it.
I know, but have I blown it irrevocably? Oh, yes.
There's got to be something I can do.
- Really? - Yes.
What can you do? Petition.
I don't know.
Get an injunction.
Start a revolt.
You know, exact a death for a death.
I'll never rest until every Saxon in this shire can stand up free men and strike a blow for Richard and England.
Sir Walter Scott,Ivanhoe.
No, Errol Flynn, Robin Hood, 1938 version, you know, with that three-strip Technicolor.
It's my favorite one.
Alden, I need your help here.
Gary, I remember when the curriculum committee was proposing we cut the English Comp Literature, and you walked in.
You stood up, and you spoke about education, about life.
You were impassioned, and I was impressed.
Of course, they still dropped the requirement, but that's not the point, is it? No.
Do you want to file an appeal? Yes, sir, I really do.
Mm, that won't be pretty.
I know.
I know it's going to be It's going to be an uphill battle, and I have to tell you that I hate uphill battles.
I know.
But I do have a couple of favors I can call in on the committee.
I appreciate that.
Because frankly I would like to keep you around.
The kids love you, and I enjoy watching you needle the rest of the faculty.
Plus now I'm going to need an ally against Elena Brody.
Yeah, I guess so.
And you're going to have to play some departmental games.
- Oh, I know.
- A little.
I will.
I will.
Thanks, Alden.
I'm not at all sure you should be thanking me.
I want to see you in my office tomorrow morning at 8:30.
Okay.
Package with all your papers, recommendations, and this time, please leave out the one from your ski instructor.
She did know her Icelandic Sagas very well.
- Gary.
- I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
You're going to have to file an appeal with Dr.
Braddock, who's the original organizing