Thirtysomething (1987) s02e08 Episode Script
First Day / Last Day
[theme.]
[phone rings.]
[ring.]
[click, beep.]
[Elliot.]
Hello.
If you're calling the offices of the Michael and Elliot Company, you're too late.
If you're calling about leasing the space which used to contain the Michael and Elliot Company, leave your name and number after the tone, and we'll get back to you.
[beep.]
[Man.]
This is Sherman Howard.
I'm a writer for Advertising Age.
We're doing a story on the collapse of small agencies that overextend themselves in the first year.
I'm at area code 212 555-4808.
Thanks.
[click, dial tone.]
[beep.]
This is not a small agency.
Bernstein-Fox is one of the most influential advertising agencies in the world.
[background chatter.]
Annette, call them up and take care of that.
Our billing in '81 was in excess of 90 million.
The company's a giant.
That's very impressive, Mr.
Borden.
Yvonne, why don't you have the woman look at her husband as if she loves him? Our bigness is based on smallness, if you see what I mean.
Your bigness is based on smallness.
Hey, a few shots, you're going to be a regular rocket.
Now, we call this H304-D, but you can call it home.
- It's great.
- It's a hall with oak inlay.
But you won't be here long, I can tell.
You have what it takes to make advertising your life, unless, of course, you can get that novel published.
Yeah, I figured.
Well, I'll let you savor the moment.
Welcome aboard, Mr.
Steadman.
Thank you very much, Mr.
Borden.
[exhale.]
Don't worry.
It won't look so monastic once we get you a lamp in there.
I'm Cheryl Eastman, personnel.
Oh.
Michael Steadman.
- Hi.
- Hi.
We, um we need some tremendously intimate personal information - about you and your family-- - Okay.
before we can start paying you.
Okay.
Did you want me to fill these out now while you wait? "Love, Melissa.
" Wife? - No.
Cousin.
- Oh.
I have cousins.
They're nice.
Yeah.
I guess they are.
Yeah.
Well, listen, why don't I try and hustle you up some office supplies? Hustle away.
I'll be back in no time.
You must sit tight.
It's no trouble at all.
[background chatter.]
- [Man.]
Sam.
- Yeah.
Uh, look.
Yeah, are you going to go to that meeting tonight? I'm on it.
Don't worry.
I got it.
[knocking.]
[whistling.]
It's a white collar crime.
I mean, is no one safe? Actually, um, I'm from quality control.
When was the last time you had this pen serviced? I had it in the shop all last week.
They put in new ink, they tightened the clips, - they even re-felted the tips.
- Yeah? - So are you words or pictures? - Words.
Good.
No competition.
Elliot Weston.
- Michael Steadman.
- Classic, isn't it? They hire a guy to write.
They don't even give him a pen.
You probably even had a completely empty office.
I bet they didn't even put a dead light bulb on your desk.
I got the light bulb.
- Excuse me.
- I'm sorry.
That's all right.
So what brings you to the hallowed halls of Bernstein-Fox? They got me from a band of gypsies, actually.
They traded me for a water cooler and a player to be named later.
Oh.
Hey, watch out, watch out, watch out, watch out.
It's pastel.
Don't want to ruin your suit.
No.
It's-- It's pretty.
Yeah.
Thanks.
This is, uh-- That's the missus.
- You're married? - Yeah.
- Really? - Yeah.
Huh.
Why? I'm a little surprised to hear you're married, that's all.
What are you talking about? Why? Well, you seem kind of, uh-- kind, of, uh Easy now.
Choose your adjective with care.
Bohemian? - Okay.
- Okay.
I even got a kid.
You got a kid.
Yeah.
Little boy.
- Really? - Yeah.
Ethan.
- Oh, a kid.
- Yeah.
That's great.
Yeah, it is, actually, real cool.
- Huh.
- Yeah.
Okay.
I better-- I better let you get back to work.
Yeah, I got a ton of stuff here.
- Sure was nice meeting you.
- You, too, Michael.
Hey.
Yeah.
That's, uh-- [muttering.]
- Hey, Mike.
- Yeah, yeah.
You can keep the pen.
Thanks.
[Man.]
Felt-tip pens, assorted colors.
This-- [grunting.]
Copy machine consumables.
Copy machine service contract.
Ooh.
Non-transferable.
Too bad.
Uh, are those the appointment books? Yeah, business and personal that date back to '82.
Well, it's good documentation in case anyone wants to challenge us on expenses.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Well, you can start thinking about your future because it looks as though the government and your creditors are going to let you have one.
Thanks, Accountant Fred.
Uh, so, do you have anything lined up or-- Uh, yeah.
We, uh, we have a meeting with Al Pressman.
Of Pressman Discount Stores? Yeah, yeah.
They have an in-house agency, and there might be room for us.
Oh.
Great.
Uh, Sy's got the last couple of bank statements back at the office, but from what you've told me, there shouldn't be any real surprises.
You know, you got roughed up, and you feel pretty bad, but believe me, it could have been worse.
I know.
I've seen worse.
Yeah.
Well, thanks, Accountant Fred.
Thank me when I set up your new company.
I'll call if Sy's got any questions.
- Okay.
Goodbye.
- Bye-bye.
it gives us an opportunity to jump light years in front of the competition in the arena of perceived quality.
Now, this nutrition-weighted approach will present Sunny Clime as a state-of-the-art health-conscious bakery.
Mm-mm.
Gentlemen, Sunny Clime makes doughnuts.
We make doughnuts and pies and coffee cakes.
We do not make the staff of life.
We make snacks.
Well, uh, yeah.
It was our thinking that we would make Sunny Clime stand out from the competition.
We'll stand out, all right.
People think we make vitamin pills.
I mean, all these charts and lab tests and nutrition levels.
Haven't you people ever eaten a cookie? [murmuring, chuckling.]
You think it's funny.
I talk to you people.
What I get back indicates you haven't heard a word.
Michael is one of our new men.
He's-- He's an observer, really.
We have a-- What kind of observations can you make at this level, Mike? Maybe we should have stayed with what you wanted.
Um made the product fun.
Find a way to link the cookies and the doughnuts and the, uh, chocolate marble pound cake, which is a personal favorite of mine, and associate it-- them-- with them.
Then how would you do that? How would I do that? How? [Michael.]
Um How would-- How would we do that? How? Um Ahem.
Visual puns.
Um, billboards and magazine ads all built around a kind of show-and-tell one-liners.
Uh, Sunny Clime cakes and cookies.
So much fun, you'll get a case of the giggles.
It would be a series, you know, that would all-- it would all visualize the fun.
A giant guffaw.
Um, um, um, a burst of laughter, catching a smile.
Blowing a joke.
Hmm.
Hmm.
[chuckling.]
[laughing.]
Seems like two years should take up more space, you know, more bulk.
We should talk about Pressman's.
Yeah.
Listen, it's not that bad a job.
Sure would have wear and tear on the upper brain functions.
All right, maybe it's retail advertising, but it's a national outfit, they pay good money, and they're willing to talk to us.
I got lost in a Pressman's when I was a kid.
Wandered around this big airplane hangar of a store filled with major appliances.
It was almost as traumatic as the first time I saw Ann-Margret in Bye-Bye, Birdie.
She comes on before the credits in this tight yellow dress cut way low-- Maybe we should go over there, look around, so we have something to show the man.
Man, it says that planning is the foe of inspiration.
- Napoleon said that.
- No, he didn't.
Yeah, he did.
He said it in French.
- No, he didn't.
- Sure, he did.
He said-- Elliot, do you mind if we do something positive? Okay.
Have a cruller.
[Announcer on PA.]
Pick up on go-backs on-- This is the place to be when the next Ice Age hits.
Patio furniture, gas-powered generators, and activewear.
Come here, Elliot.
Hey, Mike, that's it.
Wait, wait, wait.
Listen, listen.
That's the whole concept that we give Big Al.
We do this whole Mad Max post-Apocalypse world where a ragtag band of plucky survivors hold together the last threads of civilization barricaded in Pressman's Discount Store.
Listen to this.
They defeat the mutants by throwing cheap transistor radios and costume jewelry at them.
Mike, there are other companies.
We don't have to work for this guy.
We don't have to eat, either.
Maybe they'll let us take stuff home with us, like-- like camcorders and stuff.
That would be great.
Hey, look.
Little League bat.
Ethan starts Little League this year.
- Little League? - Yeah.
- Really? - Yeah.
What happened to T-ball? I didn't get him in time for T-ball last year.
16.
99.
He can use one of my old bats.
[Man.]
Sal? Sally, come on.
Long fly ball.
Back, back, back! Weston! All right! - Whew! - Get out.
I'm starving.
When are we going to eat? [Nancy.]
When I get ready.
Now go on.
- Hope - Elliot.
Come here.
What are you doing? - Come here.
- What? - I want to ask you something.
- What? I want to ask you something.
What? Come on.
Let's play ball.
How did you ask Nancy to marry you? - Oh, come on, man.
- I'm curious, Elliot.
All right? I'm a little curious.
- Are you serious? - Yeah, I'm serious.
Yikes, man.
Well, I didn't ask her.
I told her.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
We were in college, and she took me home to meet her parents, where I passed the ultimate test of manhood by drinking a lot of her father's Bloody Marys.
Anyway, you know, they didn't want us to sleep together in the house, and so-- it was, like, the first time we hadn't slept together in a long time, and I had to sleep in another room, in a den with all these stuffed deer heads and marlin and all that kind of stuff on the wall.
Uh-huh.
Oh, and, uh I couldn't sleep without her.
I mean, I-- I just couldn't.
And so I got my pad, and I did this sketch of her.
It's the one that I got in the office.
- That sketch.
- Uh-huh.
And it's like 4:30 in the morning, and it's the fish and the deer and all that stuff, they're all watching me draw Nancy's face.
I never loved anyone before that.
Anyway, next day, we're on the Trailways bus.
- We're going back to school.
- Right.
And I said, "That's it.
That's it.
"We're gonna do it.
We're gonna get married.
- That's it," I said.
- [sigh.]
So where am I going to find a Trailways bus around here? Huh? You don't need a Trailways bus, man.
You just need a split second of that stuff that lets sky divers jump out of planes.
Ha.
All right.
Uh, so what if I lose my nerve, Elliot? Well, if you lose your nerve-- just look at that.
So did Virginia Woolf look this good when she was writing? Huh? - Hello, husband.
- Hello, wife.
Mm.
Uh, Hope, I swear to God, that part of the ceremony-- for richer, for poorer-- honest, I thought it was just boilerplate.
Hey, hey.
I need a hug.
Come here, young lady.
Come here.
I need a hug.
Come here.
Give me a big one.
A big one.
I want a big one.
Give me a big squeeze.
- Oh! - [phone rings.]
[Janey cooing.]
Okay.
I got to get the phone.
MM.
Go to your mommy.
Got to get the phone, sweetie.
- Got to get the phone.
- [ring.]
Okay.
Okay.
Hello.
Yeah.
Hi, Fred.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
No, no, no, no, no.
We reconciled that.
[Hope.]
Oh, here we go.
Oh, Mommy-- [Michael.]
Yeah, sure.
Definitely.
Don't you? [Hope.]
Let Mommy go get Floppybutton.
[Michael.]
Good.
Okay, what else? [Hope.]
I'll do that.
[Michael.]
Uh-huh.
When? [Hope.]
You love that doll? Oh, look at Mr.
Reindeer.
[Michael.]
How much? No, no, no, no, no.
[Hope.]
I didn't want to deal with the boring statistics about people over 25-- [Michael.]
I'm surprised, too.
[Hope.]
who probably won't get married.
No, no.
Fred.
He never mentioned that.
- Oh, no.
- Very boring.
Oh, b-- Okay.
Um, no.
I'll ask him.
I will definitely ask him.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah.
I'm sorry about the curve.
Okay.
Thanks, Fred.
What's wrong? Uh Fred just got the last couple of bank statements.
There's a check.
There's a check I didn't know anything about.
Michael.
Elliot, uh, wrote himself a corporate officer loan without telling anybody.
He took $5,000 out of the bank, and he put it in his own pocket.
[exhales.]
[crying.]
I need Mommy.
- [Hope.]
Oh, sweetie.
- [Janey continues crying.]
- The man was sitting right-- - I'll deal with it.
Mike, I just said I'll deal with it.
Why didn't you just tell me.
We always took out officer loans, and then, at the end of the year, Accountant Freddie would wave his magic tax chart and turn them into bonuses.
This year, there's no end of year.
I didn't know that when I took the loan.
We were up to our expectations in Motherland Yogurt and 2% Milk.
Well, we're stuck in something else right now, Elliot.
You knew that when we talked to Accountant Fred.
That's $5,000 we have to account for.
$5,000, Elliot.
Why didn't you just tell me? That way, we could deal with it.
Look, I was-- I was scared.
I knew about it.
I knew it was a problem.
I just-- I was afraid.
Afraid of who, Elliot? Scared of what? Of this fight we're having right now.
I don't want to have any more fights.
I'm over my quota.
Look, when I took the loan, we were sailing, right? And I thought it was a chance to get a real apartment, and, Mike, I was trying to date, and that's, like, a hundred bucks a pop, even if you hate her guts.
Look, Mike, I'm sorry, and I'll pay back the money.
You know I will.
I just-- I didn't know what to-- - All right.
- I'm sorry, okay? I should have told you and Fred when you were in here.
I apologize for not doing that.
I apologize for blowing the whole situation.
Is there anything else that you were afraid to tell me - that I should know? - Mike.
- Is there? - No.
- Is there? - No.
It's simple enough.
Mr.
Borden, it's not the work.
It's-- I mean, if I do this, then it changes everything.
It throws everything off.
It ruins the speech.
- You see-- - Michael, it's a commercial, not a soliloquy.
Make the changes.
You're knuckling under the client.
That's correct.
You know, Mr.
Borden, I don't know if I can do this.
You can.
Well, I'm not going to do it.
You what? The changes are stupid, okay? They make the agency look bad.
They make me look bad, and I refuse to do it.
Taking an artistic stand on a quarter-page newspaper ad and jeopardizing your job to do it doesn't seem like a terribly smart move, does it? Now save your quixotic convictions for your fiction.
Do the job you're paid to do.
Ohh.
It's all so, so-- Crass? Commercial? Ordinary.
I don't want to do ordinary.
That's not how I see myself.
That's not how I see my life.
I mean, they hire us, and then they won't let us do what we know how to do.
It's their candy store, Mike.
I'm getting a little sick of the candy store.
Not me.
I love using my God-given talents to sell custom slip covers.
Oh, God.
Why can't we make money doing what we want to do? What is it you want to do, Mike? I want to write.
Yeah? So write.
What's stopping you? Oh, what if it turns out to be-- - Ordinary? - Yeah.
Yeah, welcome to the seventh circle of hell.
You'll like it here, Mike.
We even get cable.
What if my book actually gets published? Then you buy the wine next time.
Yeah, but I've been wondering.
Did I really earn it? Of course you did.
You wrote an incredible book.
That's not what I mean.
Did I earn getting it published? Or is it just some consolation prize for my marriage not working out? That's bad karma.
Tell you what, go out, buy a couple of crystals.
Fix you right up.
Do you have one of those-- Yeah, it's over there.
Do you talk to Elliot much lately? You know, about this business thing? Yeah, I mean, we talk, but not about the business.
He doesn't, you know, tell me much about that stuff.
Isn't that kind of strange? I know why he hasn't told me anything about the business going under.
- Why? - Why? He hasn't figured out how to blame it on me.
Janey-bird, show yourself.
Michael, have you seen her? She's not in here, honey.
I found her.
Where was she? Oh, under the sink with the power tools-- mm-- and the caustic household chemicals.
Yeah, well, she snuck up on me.
Yeah, sure.
Ninja baby.
Yeah? How do I look? Mm.
Edible.
Come on, Hope.
Okay, you look great.
You look confident, dependable, stain-resistant.
What do you want me to say? Confident's good.
So when will you be back? We could be out of there in five minutes, or if he likes us, who knows? If you're back by 3, I can make a run to the library.
Right, right, right, right, right.
So will you be back by 3 so I can? I'll try, honey.
Could you maybe be a little firmer than "I'll try"? I'm sorry.
What? Janey, honey, I'll be right back.
Could you maybe be a little firmer than "I'll try"? Hope, that's as firm as I can get right now.
I thought we understood that with you not working, you'd be more available for Janey.
But I am working.
Looking for work counts as work.
It may even be harder than actually working because it's so humiliating.
Understand? [door opens.]
- 3:30? - 3:30.
[door closes.]
I hope you boys don't mind doing this on the run.
No, no.
So, tell me why I should hire you.
Mr.
Pressman, we want to hit-- - Al.
- Al? Al.
All right, Al, we want to hit the ground running.
What happened to us in Motherland has nothing to do with our advertising abilities.
We were not at a low point.
We were at a high point when our financial base was taken away from us.
In fact, we were doing some of our best work, and now we want to give you a chance - to take advantage of our-- - Hold this a second, would you? Mr.
Pressman, Al, Mike and I have come up with some ideas to show you what we think we can do.
Got a problem with the way we're doing things now? Mike and I started to build a reputation.
Our work is recognized, and we've done pretty well against the competition.
Yeah, you're a couple of creative guys.
Thank you.
See, Mr.
Pressman, every client has special needs.
We adapt to those needs to best serve the client.
Newspaper inserts, throwaways, barter radio at Christmas.
That's the way we advertise, so save your brainstorms.
We actually do know what we're doing.
Excuse me.
Elliot.
I started with one outlet and built myself the sixth largest discount chain in the country, so I know what I'm doing, too.
I also know that you two fellas wouldn't be talking to me unless you were up against it.
Al, we're the first to admit we've made some mistakes.
We are? Listen, I know how you feel.
You two are just starting to find out that things are the way they are for a reason.
You know, you're dead right.
Put your money into mediocrity, you got it made.
Elliot.
Mike, face it.
We're jerks.
He's got the right to insult us and denigrate our work.
We gave him that right when we asked for this interview, didn't we? I thought you wanted this job.
I do want a job.
I just don't want this one.
Come on, Mike.
I don't see what you're so steamed about.
You blew him off, Elliot.
He was jerking us around, Mike.
- We don't need to take that.
- It was a job.
It was a job.
We could have gotten a job.
You don't want to work for a lame outfit like that.
No, Elliot, I don't want to work for a lame outfit like that, but I want to work somewhere and fast.
- We are bankrupt.
- I know that.
I'm not stupid.
I got a house.
I got a family.
Well, so do I.
At least I'm trying to pay to pay the upkeep on it, but I've got some pride, too.
Well, I'll tell you something, Elliot.
I think pride might be a bit of a luxury right now.
I'm not ready to eat that stuff that Pressman's shoveling out.
Do you understand, Elliot? Do you understand the reality of our situation? Yeah, I do, but obviously you don't, Mike.
- End of conversation.
- You're so damn short-sighted.
Don't you get it? Don't you see the danger? Yes, Elliot.
That is exactly what I'm talking about.
No, no, no.
I'm not talking about the money.
I'm talking about the danger.
Look, if we fold now, it's like saying we were wrong in the first place.
If we do that, we're finished.
We'll never work up another head of steam, Mike.
Michael, this is all that I got now.
I got nothing else holding me up.
We can't stop now.
We can't.
- [laughter.]
- [Woman.]
Whoo! [Man.]
Merry Christmas.
[balloon pops.]
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Let me see this thing.
Hey, hey, hey.
You're going to wear out the batteries.
Cut it out.
All right, so tell me again how this guy with the 9-volt nose, how he fits into the Christian hierarchy.
It's in the Bible.
God created Santa Claus right after he made all the fake dinosaur bones for all the Satan-kissing paleontologists.
Mikey, listen to me.
We got to start our own agency.
We got to blow this place.
Oh, Elliot, come on.
You don't just start an agency.
Sure you do.
Where's your pioneer spirit? Remember the Donner party? Huh? Come on, Mikey, you know.
We got more creativity in our whole bodies than these guys got in their little finger.
- Which finger? - The little-- Mikey, come on.
You and me, masters of our own fate.
Clear-eyed shapers of the future.
We can't stay here.
Elliot, the startup costs would be impossible.
You can't put stuff like that on your MasterCard.
Mikey, I tell you what.
You want to stay here? You stay here a couple more years, and the only way you're gonna know you're Michael Steadman is by checking your driver's license.
[helium voice.]
I have to go to the bathroom.
Wow, man.
You stay here two more years, they'll take that from you, too.
[general chatter.]
Ho ho ho.
Partridge in a pear tree.
I like your balls.
Excuse me.
Uh, your balls.
In your ears.
- Oh.
- I like your balls.
Oh, thank you.
It sounds like Oscar Paige ran his tongue through the postal meter again.
What's Christmas without tradition? If we stay in here, we'll miss all the fun.
For you it's fun.
For me it's ducking cheap feels.
Oh.
Then you better stay in here where it's safe.
Are you safe? Uh, what-- what-- what do you mean, Ms.
Eastman? I just thought I would, um-- uh, sorry.
That's okay.
Take this festive opportunity to ask.
Ask what? Why the guys that you're kind of interested in are never the ones who make passes at you.
Why is that, do you suppose? I don't know.
Uh-- What are we talking about here exactly? Oh.
It's just a party, and I'm asking-- and I'm asking a question.
Oh.
Oh.
I-- I, you know-- Oh, easy, easy, easy.
- Oh, easy, easy.
- What's this thing? It's a box.
It's a box.
Um-- Yeah, it lights.
But I'm married.
I have one kid, one on the way.
Um, I'm an only child, which in the saddest-- scar, and if you want to, um, trade personal data all night, we could just forget the whole thing.
Uh how come there's never any mistletoe around when you need it? I want you to imagine for a moment that there was.
[copier beeps.]
Let's see, the meeting with Pressman was a disaster.
Your sort of ex was a nightmare.
Oh.
Being blindsided by Elliot.
Now, I wonder what that would be like.
Oh.
Sorry.
No, no, no, no.
That's all right.
Just, you know, welcome to the club.
It's all really clear to him, isn't it? It's very clear-- the good guys and the bad guys.
It's like he sees the world-- he sees the world just like one way.
But-- But then, you know, how much he thinks you love him, it depends on how much you deviate from the party line.
If you're trying to tell me how impossible Elliot is, you're a little late.
Mm.
But you know what really bugs me? Uh, I'm not a particularly retentive person.
And then, when I'm around-- - What? - Nothing.
What? I'm not.
Okay.
You're not.
Well, anyway, whenever I'm around him, I feel like this really bad high school guidance counselor.
Now why is that? That's because he's got dibs on all the impulsive, wild behavior.
See, see, he forces you to move to the right of yourself so the other things around him don't fall into chaos.
Yeah, well, I wish somebody would tell him that every once in a while there are other people in this world that might like to have an impetuous, unguarded moment once in a while.
Yeah, well, I wish somebody would.
Yeah.
God, I got some nerve bitching to you-- No.
No, no, really.
That's all right.
- That's all right.
- Yeah? I guess now we've got something in common.
Yeah.
We should probably have, you know, reunions and support meetings and things like that now.
Like survivors of the Titanic.
[humming.]
Why did you let him put us way the hell back here? How's it going to look if somebody from the office sees us? We're having lunch with a client.
That we want to steal from our employers.
We're not stealing, we're exploring.
Stealing comes later.
Mikey, this is going to be great.
We're gonna dazzle this guy, and he's just the first.
After this, it's going to be like a red carpet unrolling like destiny-- just baroom, baroom, baroom.
We're just gonna-- What are you looking at? Oh, my God.
Did she see us? Uh, who cares if she sees us? This was too close to the office.
No, come on.
Cool your jets.
We're all right.
- We can't stay.
- What? - We got to go.
- No.
We have to stay.
We have an appointment.
We'll catch him outside.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, just try and act cooler than you actually are.
I'm going to call him.
No, Mike, Mike, Mike, do do this.
Mike, Mike, Mike-- [whistles.]
Okay.
Okay.
You scared me.
Ha ha ha.
Very funny.
Mike, sit down.
It's time for us to act grown-up and businesslike.
Let go of my arm, Elliot.
- Mike, Mike-- - Let go, Elliot.
Don't do this to me, Mike.
Don't leave me hanging out in the wind.
- Let go of me, Elliot.
- We can do this together, Mike.
Mike, listen, I can vamp this guy, okay? I can give him the spiel.
I can do all of that stuff, okay? But I need you.
Mike, listen.
I need you.
You give us respectability, Mike.
- You make it work.
- This is not the time, Elliot.
This is not the place.
This is a disaster.
We'll talk about this after the meeting.
There's not going to be a meeting.
Mike, Mike, you're going to stay here, and there's going to be a meeting.
- Let go of me.
- Mike.
Mike! [Hope.]
Hello? Who is this? Oh.
Okay.
Yeah, he just walked in.
Pressman.
Hello.
Steadman, Al Pressman.
Uh, hi, Mr.
Pressman.
I don't think you got a fair shake today, but we still might be able to do business.
Can you come back in tomorrow morning? Uh, yeah, sure.
And, Mike, could you come in alone? Alone? I only want to talk with you.
Got a problem with that? No, I don't think that presents any problem at all.
Then come in at 9:30.
Okay.
I'll be there.
Thanks.
I, uh, I need to take a shower.
Um, I'll call you when I get out of the meeting, okay? Okay.
You know, the things I do, I-- He's my friend, but, you know, you're my life.
Mmm.
[phone rings.]
[ring.]
Hello.
Oh.
Hi, Elliot.
Oh, no, no, no.
He's here.
Michael.
Hello.
Hey.
You heading into the office? Uh well, I have a couple of errands I have to run first, then I'm coming in.
You know, because we should be out of there today.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, um maybe we could talk about this.
- About what? - You know.
About what we should do next.
You know, about planning the future.
Yeah, we can do that.
Okay.
Okay.
All right, I'll see you at the office.
Okay.
He wants to plan the future.
I-- I am very disappointed in both of you.
Now, this is not the first time that's somebody's tried to go over the side with this company's clients, and it won't be the last.
I should fire both of you, but I'm not going to.
Michael, you made a mistake.
I feel that you were under someone's influence.
Everyone is entitled to one mistake, and as far as you're concerned, the matter's closed.
Thank you.
- I'm sorry.
- Don't apologize to him.
- Uh, Mr.
Weston-- - Save it, save it.
- As far as you're-- - I said save it.
I quit.
You coming with me? Wait a minute.
That's not fair.
You can't fire him and not fire me.
I didn't fire him.
He quit.
You mean-- Just because I walked out? I mean, you know, you-- No, you can't reward me for losing my nerve.
Sure, he can.
That's what makes good worker bees, right? I quit, too.
- What? - Look, I'm doing you a favor.
I-- I-- We're supposed to be a team.
I mean, you don't want to be stuck with half a team, so, um, so I quit, too.
Way to go.
Yeah.
All right, Mike.
That was great.
I am so proud of you.
[Pressman.]
You'd be junior ad manager of the chain under Phil Gorman, who's going to be retiring in two or three years.
Then, if you want it and you're still here, we could talk.
But it would be just me.
Just you.
You I can use.
It's that simple.
Yeah.
For you.
See, we, uh, Elliot and I, we've been together for a long time.
You're talking about the past.
I'm talking about your future.
So, you want the job? [car passes.]
Hey, school's out.
Time to clean out your desk.
Yeah.
Listen, I don't know what you want to keep, so, uh [Elliot.]
It was in the trades.
What are you talking about? This is great.
Look at this place.
[Michael.]
It's nice, Elliot-- Mike, what, what, what-- Look at this place.
This is unbelievable.
- I know, Elliot.
- Mike, look, it curves.
It's a ground floor office, Elliot.
And the light's gonna come through here.
It's gonna be backlit.
It's gonna be great.
Wait, Elliot.
How many more offices-- There are very good reasons not to do this.
No, I'm just being realistic, that's all.
Mike, come on.
Come in here.
Come in here.
What? What? Elliot, wait a minute.
Let's just be practical here for a moment.
Michael, you're gonna detail us right into the ground.
You have to think about these things.
Where's the fuse box? - How should I know? - That's the problem.
Maybe I can throw this out.
I mean, it wouldn't change anything.
Wouldn't be symbolic.
Sure.
Look at this.
Look what I did.
Maybe I got pictures of my kids I can rip up.
Elliot, there's only two 40-amp breakers.
What are you planning, search lights in the parking lot? - Come on.
- This is it.
This is the bottom, isn't it, Mike? Let me see the lease again.
I can't go through with this.
I got to get out of here.
This has to be done, Elliot.
Not today, not by me.
I can't.
Let me see the lease, Elliot.
Let me see it.
Give it to me.
We have to be out of here.
This is the last day.
We have to do this, Elliot.
You can't, you understand that? I can't.
So that's it, huh? I have to clean up after you? Is that the deal? What's that supposed to mean? It means that you can't split and leave me holding the bag this time.
- This time? - Yeah.
It's grownup time.
You have to get on with your life.
On a 10-year lease-- I got to get on with my life? My life? I'm the one who's trying to keep things going here.
You're the one that wants to cash in on all we've done.
What we've done? [Mike.]
That's a million dollars.
Elliot, that's a million dollars.
No.
Is it? We are in debt up to our eyes.
I have $40,000 on my credit card.
These are facts.
They have to be accepted.
We failed, Elliot.
We have failed.
Mike, we haven't failed.
The business may have failed, but we have not failed! That's just semantics.
That doesn't change anything.
We can't change anything if we settle for Pressman.
Mike, there's got to be more.
What if there isn't, Elliot? What if there isn't? What if Pressman and the job you booted, what if that's the best we can do, huh? What about that? I mean, Hope is-- The baby is coming.
There's no stopping it.
[stammering.]
And I-- I lie in bed next to Hope, and I swear I hear it in there next to me.
It's ticking like a bomb.
But at least you've got a wife, right? - I didn't say that.
- That's what you were thinking.
- How do you know? - Because you got a glass head! Mike, you're nothing but good intentions wired together with guilt! Fine, Elliot.
At least I have a wife.
- Oh, please.
- And a child who sees me on weekdays and a house, and I have never, never been unfaithful to my wife.
- You hypocrite.
- Oh, I'm a hypocrite.
Mike, you're making virtue out of cowardice! You don't have the guts to sleep around on Hope.
You think it takes guts to totally screw up your life and ruin your marriage? That's a good line? Did you get that line from Hope? It sure sounds like wife-driven rhetoric to me.
The hell with it, Elliot.
The hell with you.
I'm not feeding you any more justification, all right? - Is that right? - It's pointless, Elliot! No guts, Mike! Look, I'm warning you.
Listen to me now, okay? I'm warning you, don't push any of my buttons.
- What are you gonna do? - I'm not carrying you anymore, Elliot! I've been carrying you since Bernstein-Fox.
Oh, yeah? Then how come Pressman offered me a job and not you? Huh? Huh? You'd work for that creep? He insulted us, Mike! Well, sometimes you got to eat it.
We were supposed to make something here! It didn't work! No matter what lies we tell ourselves-- - What lies? - I'm talking about facts! The hell with the facts! Elliot, you forget the facts! You forget the facts! You bastard.
You stupid bastard.
That's right.
Go on.
Go on home, Mike.
Snap to.
Come on.
Got people waiting for you, Mike.
Can't be late.
- Here.
Take this.
- Huh? - Take this.
- Put it on the desk.
Take them, Elliot.
I am not taking anything from you, Michael.
Put it on the desk.
[keys clatter.]
[door closes.]
[thump thump thump thump.]
[Mike.]
We're not ready for this.
I'm not ready for this.
Mikey, Mikey, Mikey, ready-schmeady.
If you wait till you're ready, the moment's gone, zip.
Elliot, you don't understand, okay? This-- This is-- This is-- This is a building.
- [laughing.]
- What? This is what? We keep on borrowing money, right? We have no way of knowing if this is gonna work.
We both have families.
I mean, I feel like I'm drowning, Elliot.
I can't swim.
I'm heading right for the bottom.
Listen, people don't drown because they can't swim.
They drown because they panic.
See, Mike, the trick here is to relax.
When you relax, you float, right? Then you can drift on the river and see where it takes you.
Adventure, Mikey.
It's just around the bend, my huckleberry friend.
You're quoting Henry Mancini.
That's supposed to convince me, right? Mike, life.
Life is like a-- It's like a series of bad haircuts or an ultimate E coupon ride.
What you don't understand is that my family has avoided adventure for generations.
Aren't we lucky we met? Come on, Mike.
There's more, baby.
There's more.
There's a lot more.
There's a lot more, huh? What are you looking at? You.
I'm looking at you.
I got something on my nose or something? No.
You're, uh, you're trouble, that's all.
You're the devil in my ear, you know what I mean? Jimmy Stewart had this rabbit named Harvey.
I have you.
Oh, Mike.
Listen, Mike, you know, I really appreciate the sudden display of affection.
It's very nice, but, uh, you're not going to start buying me jewelry, are you? I just want to thank you, that's all.
Uh, you're welcome.
What did I do? I know.
Thank you, Mike.
[phone rings.]
[ring.]
[ring.]
[ring.]
[beep.]
[Elliot.]
Hello.
If you're calling the offices of the Michael and Elliot Company, you're too late.
If you're calling about leasing the space which used to contain the Michael and Elliot Company, leave your name and number after the tone, and we'll get back to you.
[beep, click.]
Closed-Captioned By J.
R.
Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA And dance by the light of the moon
[phone rings.]
[ring.]
[click, beep.]
[Elliot.]
Hello.
If you're calling the offices of the Michael and Elliot Company, you're too late.
If you're calling about leasing the space which used to contain the Michael and Elliot Company, leave your name and number after the tone, and we'll get back to you.
[beep.]
[Man.]
This is Sherman Howard.
I'm a writer for Advertising Age.
We're doing a story on the collapse of small agencies that overextend themselves in the first year.
I'm at area code 212 555-4808.
Thanks.
[click, dial tone.]
[beep.]
This is not a small agency.
Bernstein-Fox is one of the most influential advertising agencies in the world.
[background chatter.]
Annette, call them up and take care of that.
Our billing in '81 was in excess of 90 million.
The company's a giant.
That's very impressive, Mr.
Borden.
Yvonne, why don't you have the woman look at her husband as if she loves him? Our bigness is based on smallness, if you see what I mean.
Your bigness is based on smallness.
Hey, a few shots, you're going to be a regular rocket.
Now, we call this H304-D, but you can call it home.
- It's great.
- It's a hall with oak inlay.
But you won't be here long, I can tell.
You have what it takes to make advertising your life, unless, of course, you can get that novel published.
Yeah, I figured.
Well, I'll let you savor the moment.
Welcome aboard, Mr.
Steadman.
Thank you very much, Mr.
Borden.
[exhale.]
Don't worry.
It won't look so monastic once we get you a lamp in there.
I'm Cheryl Eastman, personnel.
Oh.
Michael Steadman.
- Hi.
- Hi.
We, um we need some tremendously intimate personal information - about you and your family-- - Okay.
before we can start paying you.
Okay.
Did you want me to fill these out now while you wait? "Love, Melissa.
" Wife? - No.
Cousin.
- Oh.
I have cousins.
They're nice.
Yeah.
I guess they are.
Yeah.
Well, listen, why don't I try and hustle you up some office supplies? Hustle away.
I'll be back in no time.
You must sit tight.
It's no trouble at all.
[background chatter.]
- [Man.]
Sam.
- Yeah.
Uh, look.
Yeah, are you going to go to that meeting tonight? I'm on it.
Don't worry.
I got it.
[knocking.]
[whistling.]
It's a white collar crime.
I mean, is no one safe? Actually, um, I'm from quality control.
When was the last time you had this pen serviced? I had it in the shop all last week.
They put in new ink, they tightened the clips, - they even re-felted the tips.
- Yeah? - So are you words or pictures? - Words.
Good.
No competition.
Elliot Weston.
- Michael Steadman.
- Classic, isn't it? They hire a guy to write.
They don't even give him a pen.
You probably even had a completely empty office.
I bet they didn't even put a dead light bulb on your desk.
I got the light bulb.
- Excuse me.
- I'm sorry.
That's all right.
So what brings you to the hallowed halls of Bernstein-Fox? They got me from a band of gypsies, actually.
They traded me for a water cooler and a player to be named later.
Oh.
Hey, watch out, watch out, watch out, watch out.
It's pastel.
Don't want to ruin your suit.
No.
It's-- It's pretty.
Yeah.
Thanks.
This is, uh-- That's the missus.
- You're married? - Yeah.
- Really? - Yeah.
Huh.
Why? I'm a little surprised to hear you're married, that's all.
What are you talking about? Why? Well, you seem kind of, uh-- kind, of, uh Easy now.
Choose your adjective with care.
Bohemian? - Okay.
- Okay.
I even got a kid.
You got a kid.
Yeah.
Little boy.
- Really? - Yeah.
Ethan.
- Oh, a kid.
- Yeah.
That's great.
Yeah, it is, actually, real cool.
- Huh.
- Yeah.
Okay.
I better-- I better let you get back to work.
Yeah, I got a ton of stuff here.
- Sure was nice meeting you.
- You, too, Michael.
Hey.
Yeah.
That's, uh-- [muttering.]
- Hey, Mike.
- Yeah, yeah.
You can keep the pen.
Thanks.
[Man.]
Felt-tip pens, assorted colors.
This-- [grunting.]
Copy machine consumables.
Copy machine service contract.
Ooh.
Non-transferable.
Too bad.
Uh, are those the appointment books? Yeah, business and personal that date back to '82.
Well, it's good documentation in case anyone wants to challenge us on expenses.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Well, you can start thinking about your future because it looks as though the government and your creditors are going to let you have one.
Thanks, Accountant Fred.
Uh, so, do you have anything lined up or-- Uh, yeah.
We, uh, we have a meeting with Al Pressman.
Of Pressman Discount Stores? Yeah, yeah.
They have an in-house agency, and there might be room for us.
Oh.
Great.
Uh, Sy's got the last couple of bank statements back at the office, but from what you've told me, there shouldn't be any real surprises.
You know, you got roughed up, and you feel pretty bad, but believe me, it could have been worse.
I know.
I've seen worse.
Yeah.
Well, thanks, Accountant Fred.
Thank me when I set up your new company.
I'll call if Sy's got any questions.
- Okay.
Goodbye.
- Bye-bye.
it gives us an opportunity to jump light years in front of the competition in the arena of perceived quality.
Now, this nutrition-weighted approach will present Sunny Clime as a state-of-the-art health-conscious bakery.
Mm-mm.
Gentlemen, Sunny Clime makes doughnuts.
We make doughnuts and pies and coffee cakes.
We do not make the staff of life.
We make snacks.
Well, uh, yeah.
It was our thinking that we would make Sunny Clime stand out from the competition.
We'll stand out, all right.
People think we make vitamin pills.
I mean, all these charts and lab tests and nutrition levels.
Haven't you people ever eaten a cookie? [murmuring, chuckling.]
You think it's funny.
I talk to you people.
What I get back indicates you haven't heard a word.
Michael is one of our new men.
He's-- He's an observer, really.
We have a-- What kind of observations can you make at this level, Mike? Maybe we should have stayed with what you wanted.
Um made the product fun.
Find a way to link the cookies and the doughnuts and the, uh, chocolate marble pound cake, which is a personal favorite of mine, and associate it-- them-- with them.
Then how would you do that? How would I do that? How? [Michael.]
Um How would-- How would we do that? How? Um Ahem.
Visual puns.
Um, billboards and magazine ads all built around a kind of show-and-tell one-liners.
Uh, Sunny Clime cakes and cookies.
So much fun, you'll get a case of the giggles.
It would be a series, you know, that would all-- it would all visualize the fun.
A giant guffaw.
Um, um, um, a burst of laughter, catching a smile.
Blowing a joke.
Hmm.
Hmm.
[chuckling.]
[laughing.]
Seems like two years should take up more space, you know, more bulk.
We should talk about Pressman's.
Yeah.
Listen, it's not that bad a job.
Sure would have wear and tear on the upper brain functions.
All right, maybe it's retail advertising, but it's a national outfit, they pay good money, and they're willing to talk to us.
I got lost in a Pressman's when I was a kid.
Wandered around this big airplane hangar of a store filled with major appliances.
It was almost as traumatic as the first time I saw Ann-Margret in Bye-Bye, Birdie.
She comes on before the credits in this tight yellow dress cut way low-- Maybe we should go over there, look around, so we have something to show the man.
Man, it says that planning is the foe of inspiration.
- Napoleon said that.
- No, he didn't.
Yeah, he did.
He said it in French.
- No, he didn't.
- Sure, he did.
He said-- Elliot, do you mind if we do something positive? Okay.
Have a cruller.
[Announcer on PA.]
Pick up on go-backs on-- This is the place to be when the next Ice Age hits.
Patio furniture, gas-powered generators, and activewear.
Come here, Elliot.
Hey, Mike, that's it.
Wait, wait, wait.
Listen, listen.
That's the whole concept that we give Big Al.
We do this whole Mad Max post-Apocalypse world where a ragtag band of plucky survivors hold together the last threads of civilization barricaded in Pressman's Discount Store.
Listen to this.
They defeat the mutants by throwing cheap transistor radios and costume jewelry at them.
Mike, there are other companies.
We don't have to work for this guy.
We don't have to eat, either.
Maybe they'll let us take stuff home with us, like-- like camcorders and stuff.
That would be great.
Hey, look.
Little League bat.
Ethan starts Little League this year.
- Little League? - Yeah.
- Really? - Yeah.
What happened to T-ball? I didn't get him in time for T-ball last year.
16.
99.
He can use one of my old bats.
[Man.]
Sal? Sally, come on.
Long fly ball.
Back, back, back! Weston! All right! - Whew! - Get out.
I'm starving.
When are we going to eat? [Nancy.]
When I get ready.
Now go on.
- Hope - Elliot.
Come here.
What are you doing? - Come here.
- What? - I want to ask you something.
- What? I want to ask you something.
What? Come on.
Let's play ball.
How did you ask Nancy to marry you? - Oh, come on, man.
- I'm curious, Elliot.
All right? I'm a little curious.
- Are you serious? - Yeah, I'm serious.
Yikes, man.
Well, I didn't ask her.
I told her.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
We were in college, and she took me home to meet her parents, where I passed the ultimate test of manhood by drinking a lot of her father's Bloody Marys.
Anyway, you know, they didn't want us to sleep together in the house, and so-- it was, like, the first time we hadn't slept together in a long time, and I had to sleep in another room, in a den with all these stuffed deer heads and marlin and all that kind of stuff on the wall.
Uh-huh.
Oh, and, uh I couldn't sleep without her.
I mean, I-- I just couldn't.
And so I got my pad, and I did this sketch of her.
It's the one that I got in the office.
- That sketch.
- Uh-huh.
And it's like 4:30 in the morning, and it's the fish and the deer and all that stuff, they're all watching me draw Nancy's face.
I never loved anyone before that.
Anyway, next day, we're on the Trailways bus.
- We're going back to school.
- Right.
And I said, "That's it.
That's it.
"We're gonna do it.
We're gonna get married.
- That's it," I said.
- [sigh.]
So where am I going to find a Trailways bus around here? Huh? You don't need a Trailways bus, man.
You just need a split second of that stuff that lets sky divers jump out of planes.
Ha.
All right.
Uh, so what if I lose my nerve, Elliot? Well, if you lose your nerve-- just look at that.
So did Virginia Woolf look this good when she was writing? Huh? - Hello, husband.
- Hello, wife.
Mm.
Uh, Hope, I swear to God, that part of the ceremony-- for richer, for poorer-- honest, I thought it was just boilerplate.
Hey, hey.
I need a hug.
Come here, young lady.
Come here.
I need a hug.
Come here.
Give me a big one.
A big one.
I want a big one.
Give me a big squeeze.
- Oh! - [phone rings.]
[Janey cooing.]
Okay.
I got to get the phone.
MM.
Go to your mommy.
Got to get the phone, sweetie.
- Got to get the phone.
- [ring.]
Okay.
Okay.
Hello.
Yeah.
Hi, Fred.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
No, no, no, no, no.
We reconciled that.
[Hope.]
Oh, here we go.
Oh, Mommy-- [Michael.]
Yeah, sure.
Definitely.
Don't you? [Hope.]
Let Mommy go get Floppybutton.
[Michael.]
Good.
Okay, what else? [Hope.]
I'll do that.
[Michael.]
Uh-huh.
When? [Hope.]
You love that doll? Oh, look at Mr.
Reindeer.
[Michael.]
How much? No, no, no, no, no.
[Hope.]
I didn't want to deal with the boring statistics about people over 25-- [Michael.]
I'm surprised, too.
[Hope.]
who probably won't get married.
No, no.
Fred.
He never mentioned that.
- Oh, no.
- Very boring.
Oh, b-- Okay.
Um, no.
I'll ask him.
I will definitely ask him.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah.
I'm sorry about the curve.
Okay.
Thanks, Fred.
What's wrong? Uh Fred just got the last couple of bank statements.
There's a check.
There's a check I didn't know anything about.
Michael.
Elliot, uh, wrote himself a corporate officer loan without telling anybody.
He took $5,000 out of the bank, and he put it in his own pocket.
[exhales.]
[crying.]
I need Mommy.
- [Hope.]
Oh, sweetie.
- [Janey continues crying.]
- The man was sitting right-- - I'll deal with it.
Mike, I just said I'll deal with it.
Why didn't you just tell me.
We always took out officer loans, and then, at the end of the year, Accountant Freddie would wave his magic tax chart and turn them into bonuses.
This year, there's no end of year.
I didn't know that when I took the loan.
We were up to our expectations in Motherland Yogurt and 2% Milk.
Well, we're stuck in something else right now, Elliot.
You knew that when we talked to Accountant Fred.
That's $5,000 we have to account for.
$5,000, Elliot.
Why didn't you just tell me? That way, we could deal with it.
Look, I was-- I was scared.
I knew about it.
I knew it was a problem.
I just-- I was afraid.
Afraid of who, Elliot? Scared of what? Of this fight we're having right now.
I don't want to have any more fights.
I'm over my quota.
Look, when I took the loan, we were sailing, right? And I thought it was a chance to get a real apartment, and, Mike, I was trying to date, and that's, like, a hundred bucks a pop, even if you hate her guts.
Look, Mike, I'm sorry, and I'll pay back the money.
You know I will.
I just-- I didn't know what to-- - All right.
- I'm sorry, okay? I should have told you and Fred when you were in here.
I apologize for not doing that.
I apologize for blowing the whole situation.
Is there anything else that you were afraid to tell me - that I should know? - Mike.
- Is there? - No.
- Is there? - No.
It's simple enough.
Mr.
Borden, it's not the work.
It's-- I mean, if I do this, then it changes everything.
It throws everything off.
It ruins the speech.
- You see-- - Michael, it's a commercial, not a soliloquy.
Make the changes.
You're knuckling under the client.
That's correct.
You know, Mr.
Borden, I don't know if I can do this.
You can.
Well, I'm not going to do it.
You what? The changes are stupid, okay? They make the agency look bad.
They make me look bad, and I refuse to do it.
Taking an artistic stand on a quarter-page newspaper ad and jeopardizing your job to do it doesn't seem like a terribly smart move, does it? Now save your quixotic convictions for your fiction.
Do the job you're paid to do.
Ohh.
It's all so, so-- Crass? Commercial? Ordinary.
I don't want to do ordinary.
That's not how I see myself.
That's not how I see my life.
I mean, they hire us, and then they won't let us do what we know how to do.
It's their candy store, Mike.
I'm getting a little sick of the candy store.
Not me.
I love using my God-given talents to sell custom slip covers.
Oh, God.
Why can't we make money doing what we want to do? What is it you want to do, Mike? I want to write.
Yeah? So write.
What's stopping you? Oh, what if it turns out to be-- - Ordinary? - Yeah.
Yeah, welcome to the seventh circle of hell.
You'll like it here, Mike.
We even get cable.
What if my book actually gets published? Then you buy the wine next time.
Yeah, but I've been wondering.
Did I really earn it? Of course you did.
You wrote an incredible book.
That's not what I mean.
Did I earn getting it published? Or is it just some consolation prize for my marriage not working out? That's bad karma.
Tell you what, go out, buy a couple of crystals.
Fix you right up.
Do you have one of those-- Yeah, it's over there.
Do you talk to Elliot much lately? You know, about this business thing? Yeah, I mean, we talk, but not about the business.
He doesn't, you know, tell me much about that stuff.
Isn't that kind of strange? I know why he hasn't told me anything about the business going under.
- Why? - Why? He hasn't figured out how to blame it on me.
Janey-bird, show yourself.
Michael, have you seen her? She's not in here, honey.
I found her.
Where was she? Oh, under the sink with the power tools-- mm-- and the caustic household chemicals.
Yeah, well, she snuck up on me.
Yeah, sure.
Ninja baby.
Yeah? How do I look? Mm.
Edible.
Come on, Hope.
Okay, you look great.
You look confident, dependable, stain-resistant.
What do you want me to say? Confident's good.
So when will you be back? We could be out of there in five minutes, or if he likes us, who knows? If you're back by 3, I can make a run to the library.
Right, right, right, right, right.
So will you be back by 3 so I can? I'll try, honey.
Could you maybe be a little firmer than "I'll try"? I'm sorry.
What? Janey, honey, I'll be right back.
Could you maybe be a little firmer than "I'll try"? Hope, that's as firm as I can get right now.
I thought we understood that with you not working, you'd be more available for Janey.
But I am working.
Looking for work counts as work.
It may even be harder than actually working because it's so humiliating.
Understand? [door opens.]
- 3:30? - 3:30.
[door closes.]
I hope you boys don't mind doing this on the run.
No, no.
So, tell me why I should hire you.
Mr.
Pressman, we want to hit-- - Al.
- Al? Al.
All right, Al, we want to hit the ground running.
What happened to us in Motherland has nothing to do with our advertising abilities.
We were not at a low point.
We were at a high point when our financial base was taken away from us.
In fact, we were doing some of our best work, and now we want to give you a chance - to take advantage of our-- - Hold this a second, would you? Mr.
Pressman, Al, Mike and I have come up with some ideas to show you what we think we can do.
Got a problem with the way we're doing things now? Mike and I started to build a reputation.
Our work is recognized, and we've done pretty well against the competition.
Yeah, you're a couple of creative guys.
Thank you.
See, Mr.
Pressman, every client has special needs.
We adapt to those needs to best serve the client.
Newspaper inserts, throwaways, barter radio at Christmas.
That's the way we advertise, so save your brainstorms.
We actually do know what we're doing.
Excuse me.
Elliot.
I started with one outlet and built myself the sixth largest discount chain in the country, so I know what I'm doing, too.
I also know that you two fellas wouldn't be talking to me unless you were up against it.
Al, we're the first to admit we've made some mistakes.
We are? Listen, I know how you feel.
You two are just starting to find out that things are the way they are for a reason.
You know, you're dead right.
Put your money into mediocrity, you got it made.
Elliot.
Mike, face it.
We're jerks.
He's got the right to insult us and denigrate our work.
We gave him that right when we asked for this interview, didn't we? I thought you wanted this job.
I do want a job.
I just don't want this one.
Come on, Mike.
I don't see what you're so steamed about.
You blew him off, Elliot.
He was jerking us around, Mike.
- We don't need to take that.
- It was a job.
It was a job.
We could have gotten a job.
You don't want to work for a lame outfit like that.
No, Elliot, I don't want to work for a lame outfit like that, but I want to work somewhere and fast.
- We are bankrupt.
- I know that.
I'm not stupid.
I got a house.
I got a family.
Well, so do I.
At least I'm trying to pay to pay the upkeep on it, but I've got some pride, too.
Well, I'll tell you something, Elliot.
I think pride might be a bit of a luxury right now.
I'm not ready to eat that stuff that Pressman's shoveling out.
Do you understand, Elliot? Do you understand the reality of our situation? Yeah, I do, but obviously you don't, Mike.
- End of conversation.
- You're so damn short-sighted.
Don't you get it? Don't you see the danger? Yes, Elliot.
That is exactly what I'm talking about.
No, no, no.
I'm not talking about the money.
I'm talking about the danger.
Look, if we fold now, it's like saying we were wrong in the first place.
If we do that, we're finished.
We'll never work up another head of steam, Mike.
Michael, this is all that I got now.
I got nothing else holding me up.
We can't stop now.
We can't.
- [laughter.]
- [Woman.]
Whoo! [Man.]
Merry Christmas.
[balloon pops.]
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Let me see this thing.
Hey, hey, hey.
You're going to wear out the batteries.
Cut it out.
All right, so tell me again how this guy with the 9-volt nose, how he fits into the Christian hierarchy.
It's in the Bible.
God created Santa Claus right after he made all the fake dinosaur bones for all the Satan-kissing paleontologists.
Mikey, listen to me.
We got to start our own agency.
We got to blow this place.
Oh, Elliot, come on.
You don't just start an agency.
Sure you do.
Where's your pioneer spirit? Remember the Donner party? Huh? Come on, Mikey, you know.
We got more creativity in our whole bodies than these guys got in their little finger.
- Which finger? - The little-- Mikey, come on.
You and me, masters of our own fate.
Clear-eyed shapers of the future.
We can't stay here.
Elliot, the startup costs would be impossible.
You can't put stuff like that on your MasterCard.
Mikey, I tell you what.
You want to stay here? You stay here a couple more years, and the only way you're gonna know you're Michael Steadman is by checking your driver's license.
[helium voice.]
I have to go to the bathroom.
Wow, man.
You stay here two more years, they'll take that from you, too.
[general chatter.]
Ho ho ho.
Partridge in a pear tree.
I like your balls.
Excuse me.
Uh, your balls.
In your ears.
- Oh.
- I like your balls.
Oh, thank you.
It sounds like Oscar Paige ran his tongue through the postal meter again.
What's Christmas without tradition? If we stay in here, we'll miss all the fun.
For you it's fun.
For me it's ducking cheap feels.
Oh.
Then you better stay in here where it's safe.
Are you safe? Uh, what-- what-- what do you mean, Ms.
Eastman? I just thought I would, um-- uh, sorry.
That's okay.
Take this festive opportunity to ask.
Ask what? Why the guys that you're kind of interested in are never the ones who make passes at you.
Why is that, do you suppose? I don't know.
Uh-- What are we talking about here exactly? Oh.
It's just a party, and I'm asking-- and I'm asking a question.
Oh.
Oh.
I-- I, you know-- Oh, easy, easy, easy.
- Oh, easy, easy.
- What's this thing? It's a box.
It's a box.
Um-- Yeah, it lights.
But I'm married.
I have one kid, one on the way.
Um, I'm an only child, which in the saddest-- scar, and if you want to, um, trade personal data all night, we could just forget the whole thing.
Uh how come there's never any mistletoe around when you need it? I want you to imagine for a moment that there was.
[copier beeps.]
Let's see, the meeting with Pressman was a disaster.
Your sort of ex was a nightmare.
Oh.
Being blindsided by Elliot.
Now, I wonder what that would be like.
Oh.
Sorry.
No, no, no, no.
That's all right.
Just, you know, welcome to the club.
It's all really clear to him, isn't it? It's very clear-- the good guys and the bad guys.
It's like he sees the world-- he sees the world just like one way.
But-- But then, you know, how much he thinks you love him, it depends on how much you deviate from the party line.
If you're trying to tell me how impossible Elliot is, you're a little late.
Mm.
But you know what really bugs me? Uh, I'm not a particularly retentive person.
And then, when I'm around-- - What? - Nothing.
What? I'm not.
Okay.
You're not.
Well, anyway, whenever I'm around him, I feel like this really bad high school guidance counselor.
Now why is that? That's because he's got dibs on all the impulsive, wild behavior.
See, see, he forces you to move to the right of yourself so the other things around him don't fall into chaos.
Yeah, well, I wish somebody would tell him that every once in a while there are other people in this world that might like to have an impetuous, unguarded moment once in a while.
Yeah, well, I wish somebody would.
Yeah.
God, I got some nerve bitching to you-- No.
No, no, really.
That's all right.
- That's all right.
- Yeah? I guess now we've got something in common.
Yeah.
We should probably have, you know, reunions and support meetings and things like that now.
Like survivors of the Titanic.
[humming.]
Why did you let him put us way the hell back here? How's it going to look if somebody from the office sees us? We're having lunch with a client.
That we want to steal from our employers.
We're not stealing, we're exploring.
Stealing comes later.
Mikey, this is going to be great.
We're gonna dazzle this guy, and he's just the first.
After this, it's going to be like a red carpet unrolling like destiny-- just baroom, baroom, baroom.
We're just gonna-- What are you looking at? Oh, my God.
Did she see us? Uh, who cares if she sees us? This was too close to the office.
No, come on.
Cool your jets.
We're all right.
- We can't stay.
- What? - We got to go.
- No.
We have to stay.
We have an appointment.
We'll catch him outside.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, just try and act cooler than you actually are.
I'm going to call him.
No, Mike, Mike, Mike, do do this.
Mike, Mike, Mike-- [whistles.]
Okay.
Okay.
You scared me.
Ha ha ha.
Very funny.
Mike, sit down.
It's time for us to act grown-up and businesslike.
Let go of my arm, Elliot.
- Mike, Mike-- - Let go, Elliot.
Don't do this to me, Mike.
Don't leave me hanging out in the wind.
- Let go of me, Elliot.
- We can do this together, Mike.
Mike, listen, I can vamp this guy, okay? I can give him the spiel.
I can do all of that stuff, okay? But I need you.
Mike, listen.
I need you.
You give us respectability, Mike.
- You make it work.
- This is not the time, Elliot.
This is not the place.
This is a disaster.
We'll talk about this after the meeting.
There's not going to be a meeting.
Mike, Mike, you're going to stay here, and there's going to be a meeting.
- Let go of me.
- Mike.
Mike! [Hope.]
Hello? Who is this? Oh.
Okay.
Yeah, he just walked in.
Pressman.
Hello.
Steadman, Al Pressman.
Uh, hi, Mr.
Pressman.
I don't think you got a fair shake today, but we still might be able to do business.
Can you come back in tomorrow morning? Uh, yeah, sure.
And, Mike, could you come in alone? Alone? I only want to talk with you.
Got a problem with that? No, I don't think that presents any problem at all.
Then come in at 9:30.
Okay.
I'll be there.
Thanks.
I, uh, I need to take a shower.
Um, I'll call you when I get out of the meeting, okay? Okay.
You know, the things I do, I-- He's my friend, but, you know, you're my life.
Mmm.
[phone rings.]
[ring.]
Hello.
Oh.
Hi, Elliot.
Oh, no, no, no.
He's here.
Michael.
Hello.
Hey.
You heading into the office? Uh well, I have a couple of errands I have to run first, then I'm coming in.
You know, because we should be out of there today.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, um maybe we could talk about this.
- About what? - You know.
About what we should do next.
You know, about planning the future.
Yeah, we can do that.
Okay.
Okay.
All right, I'll see you at the office.
Okay.
He wants to plan the future.
I-- I am very disappointed in both of you.
Now, this is not the first time that's somebody's tried to go over the side with this company's clients, and it won't be the last.
I should fire both of you, but I'm not going to.
Michael, you made a mistake.
I feel that you were under someone's influence.
Everyone is entitled to one mistake, and as far as you're concerned, the matter's closed.
Thank you.
- I'm sorry.
- Don't apologize to him.
- Uh, Mr.
Weston-- - Save it, save it.
- As far as you're-- - I said save it.
I quit.
You coming with me? Wait a minute.
That's not fair.
You can't fire him and not fire me.
I didn't fire him.
He quit.
You mean-- Just because I walked out? I mean, you know, you-- No, you can't reward me for losing my nerve.
Sure, he can.
That's what makes good worker bees, right? I quit, too.
- What? - Look, I'm doing you a favor.
I-- I-- We're supposed to be a team.
I mean, you don't want to be stuck with half a team, so, um, so I quit, too.
Way to go.
Yeah.
All right, Mike.
That was great.
I am so proud of you.
[Pressman.]
You'd be junior ad manager of the chain under Phil Gorman, who's going to be retiring in two or three years.
Then, if you want it and you're still here, we could talk.
But it would be just me.
Just you.
You I can use.
It's that simple.
Yeah.
For you.
See, we, uh, Elliot and I, we've been together for a long time.
You're talking about the past.
I'm talking about your future.
So, you want the job? [car passes.]
Hey, school's out.
Time to clean out your desk.
Yeah.
Listen, I don't know what you want to keep, so, uh [Elliot.]
It was in the trades.
What are you talking about? This is great.
Look at this place.
[Michael.]
It's nice, Elliot-- Mike, what, what, what-- Look at this place.
This is unbelievable.
- I know, Elliot.
- Mike, look, it curves.
It's a ground floor office, Elliot.
And the light's gonna come through here.
It's gonna be backlit.
It's gonna be great.
Wait, Elliot.
How many more offices-- There are very good reasons not to do this.
No, I'm just being realistic, that's all.
Mike, come on.
Come in here.
Come in here.
What? What? Elliot, wait a minute.
Let's just be practical here for a moment.
Michael, you're gonna detail us right into the ground.
You have to think about these things.
Where's the fuse box? - How should I know? - That's the problem.
Maybe I can throw this out.
I mean, it wouldn't change anything.
Wouldn't be symbolic.
Sure.
Look at this.
Look what I did.
Maybe I got pictures of my kids I can rip up.
Elliot, there's only two 40-amp breakers.
What are you planning, search lights in the parking lot? - Come on.
- This is it.
This is the bottom, isn't it, Mike? Let me see the lease again.
I can't go through with this.
I got to get out of here.
This has to be done, Elliot.
Not today, not by me.
I can't.
Let me see the lease, Elliot.
Let me see it.
Give it to me.
We have to be out of here.
This is the last day.
We have to do this, Elliot.
You can't, you understand that? I can't.
So that's it, huh? I have to clean up after you? Is that the deal? What's that supposed to mean? It means that you can't split and leave me holding the bag this time.
- This time? - Yeah.
It's grownup time.
You have to get on with your life.
On a 10-year lease-- I got to get on with my life? My life? I'm the one who's trying to keep things going here.
You're the one that wants to cash in on all we've done.
What we've done? [Mike.]
That's a million dollars.
Elliot, that's a million dollars.
No.
Is it? We are in debt up to our eyes.
I have $40,000 on my credit card.
These are facts.
They have to be accepted.
We failed, Elliot.
We have failed.
Mike, we haven't failed.
The business may have failed, but we have not failed! That's just semantics.
That doesn't change anything.
We can't change anything if we settle for Pressman.
Mike, there's got to be more.
What if there isn't, Elliot? What if there isn't? What if Pressman and the job you booted, what if that's the best we can do, huh? What about that? I mean, Hope is-- The baby is coming.
There's no stopping it.
[stammering.]
And I-- I lie in bed next to Hope, and I swear I hear it in there next to me.
It's ticking like a bomb.
But at least you've got a wife, right? - I didn't say that.
- That's what you were thinking.
- How do you know? - Because you got a glass head! Mike, you're nothing but good intentions wired together with guilt! Fine, Elliot.
At least I have a wife.
- Oh, please.
- And a child who sees me on weekdays and a house, and I have never, never been unfaithful to my wife.
- You hypocrite.
- Oh, I'm a hypocrite.
Mike, you're making virtue out of cowardice! You don't have the guts to sleep around on Hope.
You think it takes guts to totally screw up your life and ruin your marriage? That's a good line? Did you get that line from Hope? It sure sounds like wife-driven rhetoric to me.
The hell with it, Elliot.
The hell with you.
I'm not feeding you any more justification, all right? - Is that right? - It's pointless, Elliot! No guts, Mike! Look, I'm warning you.
Listen to me now, okay? I'm warning you, don't push any of my buttons.
- What are you gonna do? - I'm not carrying you anymore, Elliot! I've been carrying you since Bernstein-Fox.
Oh, yeah? Then how come Pressman offered me a job and not you? Huh? Huh? You'd work for that creep? He insulted us, Mike! Well, sometimes you got to eat it.
We were supposed to make something here! It didn't work! No matter what lies we tell ourselves-- - What lies? - I'm talking about facts! The hell with the facts! Elliot, you forget the facts! You forget the facts! You bastard.
You stupid bastard.
That's right.
Go on.
Go on home, Mike.
Snap to.
Come on.
Got people waiting for you, Mike.
Can't be late.
- Here.
Take this.
- Huh? - Take this.
- Put it on the desk.
Take them, Elliot.
I am not taking anything from you, Michael.
Put it on the desk.
[keys clatter.]
[door closes.]
[thump thump thump thump.]
[Mike.]
We're not ready for this.
I'm not ready for this.
Mikey, Mikey, Mikey, ready-schmeady.
If you wait till you're ready, the moment's gone, zip.
Elliot, you don't understand, okay? This-- This is-- This is-- This is a building.
- [laughing.]
- What? This is what? We keep on borrowing money, right? We have no way of knowing if this is gonna work.
We both have families.
I mean, I feel like I'm drowning, Elliot.
I can't swim.
I'm heading right for the bottom.
Listen, people don't drown because they can't swim.
They drown because they panic.
See, Mike, the trick here is to relax.
When you relax, you float, right? Then you can drift on the river and see where it takes you.
Adventure, Mikey.
It's just around the bend, my huckleberry friend.
You're quoting Henry Mancini.
That's supposed to convince me, right? Mike, life.
Life is like a-- It's like a series of bad haircuts or an ultimate E coupon ride.
What you don't understand is that my family has avoided adventure for generations.
Aren't we lucky we met? Come on, Mike.
There's more, baby.
There's more.
There's a lot more.
There's a lot more, huh? What are you looking at? You.
I'm looking at you.
I got something on my nose or something? No.
You're, uh, you're trouble, that's all.
You're the devil in my ear, you know what I mean? Jimmy Stewart had this rabbit named Harvey.
I have you.
Oh, Mike.
Listen, Mike, you know, I really appreciate the sudden display of affection.
It's very nice, but, uh, you're not going to start buying me jewelry, are you? I just want to thank you, that's all.
Uh, you're welcome.
What did I do? I know.
Thank you, Mike.
[phone rings.]
[ring.]
[ring.]
[ring.]
[beep.]
[Elliot.]
Hello.
If you're calling the offices of the Michael and Elliot Company, you're too late.
If you're calling about leasing the space which used to contain the Michael and Elliot Company, leave your name and number after the tone, and we'll get back to you.
[beep, click.]
Closed-Captioned By J.
R.
Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA And dance by the light of the moon