This Country (2017) s03e04 Episode Script

Kurtan's Half-Brother

1
Suit, ex-window display, Moss Bros, £30.
Shirt, Burton's sale, £8.
Tie, Moss Bros rental, £1 a day,
£1.
Shoes, Cats Protection League, £2.
Looking a million dollars at a funeral
- absolutely priceless.
- (SHOUTS) I think it's appalling
what you lot have done to this village!
You should be ashamed of yourselves,
turned this place into a bloody circus,
clogging the roads up with your vans,
- filming unsociable hours!
- I did say
you can't park there, Graham, did I not?
- I did say that.
- It weren't like this
when that Father Brown lot were here.
No, they were good as gold.
And that Mark Williams, taking time out
to pose for photos with anybody!
Don't get nothing but grief from you lot.
Nan, what you?
- Get inside.
- It's disgraceful!
- Get inside now.
- Somebody's got to say it to them.
Somebody's got to say it.
Your bath bomb's gonna
dissolve to nothing
if you don't hurry up and get in
that bath.
For crying out loud!
You won't be able to use that.
You know that, don't you?
Because she doesn't want to be seen
in a documentary.
She says it's TV for nitwits.
(BIRDSONG)
KERRY: Er, so, Kurtan's brother
- snuffed it.
- Half-brother.
Yeah, he died, unfortunately.
Er, but, to be honest,
I didn't really know him.
We weren't close or anything.
Yeah, it's a bit complicated. So
me and Ray had the same dad,
Marshal Mucklowe.
He died when I was young.
Er, but he had Ray when he was 20
and then had me
when he was in his fifties.
Kurtan's dad was so old.
He was the same age as Tina Turner.
Yeah, but he couldn't move
like Tina Turner.
Well, no, he had polio.
Try dancing
when your knees are back to front.
Agony.
REV FRANCIS: Well, it's always sad
when someone passes away.
I never knew Ray, but, er,
he was a hard-working chap,
by all accounts, and I'm sure
the Mucklowes will give him
the sendoff he deserves.
They're a real, erm, sturdy bunch.
Nice church, though, innit?
Yeah, it's really sad,
but everything happens
for a reason, I suppose.
Yeah.
What reason's that?
Well, it's just the wake's at the Keepers.
Well, what's that got to do with anything?
Well, it's just weird,
because John the landlord's recently
installed a power-punching machine.
So you're saying
the reason for Ray's death is
so you can have a punch with the new
power-punch machine at the Keepers?
Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways.
Vicar?
Doesn't the Lord work in mysterious ways?
I'm sorry?
The Lord works in mysterious ways,
doesn't he?
Um, yes. Yes, he does.
See?
(SIGHS)
(LIVELY CHATTER)
Ohhh!
(TAPPING ON GLASS)
Thank you. Thank you.
Um, I'd just like to, er, quickly say
a few words about my colleague Ray.
Now, er, we worked together at Mitsubishi
until Ray retired this year
after 42 years of, um, excellent service.
Er, he he was known as someone
who, er, very much
kept himself to himself.
But, um, if you remember Ray
like like I remember Ray,
then you'll remember Ray
liked wearing his overalls
and eating his lunch at his workspace.
Ray lived and breathed
working at Mitsubishi,
and, er, he was often heard
on the, er, factory floor
saying, er, something about, erm
saying something about,
er, power, er, pumps
and, er, suspension arms
and, um, what have you,
because that, er, that was
his specific area.
But But over the years,
when we did happen to cross paths,
which, er, was, sadly, not as much
as I would've liked,
he'd he'd always say things like, er,
"Morning,"
and, "See you tomorrow"
while Fridays, when he would say
"See you on Monday."
To Ray, ladies and gentlemen, to Ray.
ALL: To Ray.
(POWER-PUNCH MACHINE JINGLES)
(CHATTER)
KURTAN: I cannot believe that.
What was that speech all about?
You know what? I don't think
Clive knew Ray at all,
because when I asked Clive
what sort of person Ray was,
he was like, "Oh, he was sweet,
he was mellow,
"a bit nutty."
And I looked at the blackboard
where Clive was looking,
and he was just reading out
a description of a guest ale.
A guest ale, Ker.
Huh?
Were you talking to me?
Yeah.
What did you say?
You need to get your head
out of them books.
Just reading your life away.
(KURTAN SIGHS)
WOMAN: "a being of flame and air.
She shivered in his embrace
"then, eyes still shut, put up her lips.
"There was nothing cool about the kiss."
KERRY: Yeah, I really
got into my books of late,
and the vicar suggested
I go to a book club that he runs.
And reading this,
I genuinely
felt like I was reading a diary
of a vampire.
Yes.
REV FRANCIS: It's absolutely
wonderful having Kerry in a book club.
Um, she's, I think, getting
so much out of it. I was
clearing out Jacob's room
and I found a box
of all his old Goosebumps books
so I gave them to Kerry,
and she has devoured them!
I've got The Blob That Ate Everyone,
er, Say Cheese And Die!,
er, A Shocker On Shock Street.
That's really shocking.
The book club used to be run
by a lady called Margaret,
and, as can happen with these things,
it had become a bit of a closed shop.
But Margaret's moved on
and I'm running it now,
and I'm keen the group should be
open to everyone,
particularly those who might, er, not be
the most advanced readers
or might lack a bit of confidence,
and it's amazing to see people
come out of their shell.
Next time is Colin's suggestion,
and it's an all-time classic,
The Jungle Book.
Colin, would you quickly like to say
why you chose this one?
No?
That's
OK. Er, never mind.
Erm, well, have fun reading, everyone.
Lovely.
REV FRANCIS: So, how are you
doing, then, Kurtan?
(SCOFFS) That wake was an absolute joke.
Oh.
I thought it was a lovely day.
I thought you gave Ray a proper sendoff
that he would have been proud of.
Really? It was like
an advert for Mitsubishi.
Is there really nothing else
anyone can say about him,
other than the fact
he worked at fuckin' Mitsubishi?
- Kurtan, language.
- Sorry, but come on!
Everyone was more interested
in that power-punch machine
than they were paying their respects.
I went round with the condolences book
for people to sign,
and Martin signed it "RIP, Roy".
And he was Ray's uncle,
for crying out loud!
"Roy"?!
How can someone's life
be so meaningless?
No-one's life is meaningless, Kurtan.
(SIGHS) That's what it feels like,
because if that was my funeral,
I'd be absolutely raging.
And now he'll just be forgotten about,
like Flat Eric.
- Who's Flat Eric?
- Exactly.
Look, Ray will not be forgotten,
because he'll live on in the memories
that you have of him.
I have no memories of him.
I barely knew the man.
Well, this is a good chance
for you to find out about him, then.
I'm sure the rest of the family
have some great stories about Ray.
He was probably a lot more interesting
than you give him credit for.
- Do you think?
- Mm!
Yeah. Maybe.
- I made up my own McDonald's burger
- Yeah?
- by combining two burgers.
- Yeah.
It's called Air, Land and Sea.
- So it's a Filet-O-Fish
- Yeah.
a burger, with, erm
- a chicken burger
- Yeah.
- Oi!
- a McChicken Sandwich
I heard about your half-brother.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, cheers, Mand.
Yeah, you think that's bad,
my whole brother died once.
- Oh.
- Aww.
Well, s sorry to hear that, Mand.
Why are you sorry?
I Sorry that he died.
Oh, do you know Kevin?
KERRY: Do you know Kevin?
N-No. No.
Why are you sorry, then?
Well, I'm sorry for you.
Well, why?
I hated him. I'm glad he's dead,
all the wicked things he's done.
Good. And he's burning in hell.
I'm smiling my head off.
Oh. Well, that's good, then.
Yeah.
Why's that good?
He's still my little brother
I used to read stories to at night.
- Aww.
- Yeah. Of course.
OK, well, see you in a bit, Mand.
Yeah, see ya.
Hairy Maclary from Donaldson's Dairy.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hm.
Blitzer Maloney, all skinny and bony.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Muffin McLay bundle of hay.
Yeah.
Bottomley Potts, all covered in spots.
- Right.
- Yeah.
- Hercules Morse, big as a horse.
- Mm.
And Hairy Maclary at Donaldson's Dairy.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You know, we were discussing that book
at Book Club the other day.
- Where?
- Well, see ya.
Er, at Book Club at the village hall
with the vicar.
But, yeah
- Bye, then!
- Oh, bye!
Right. Sorry, bye.
(KERRY BREATHES HEAVILY)
I think my fight-or-flight's kicked in.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
- Look at that.
- Come on, let's just get home.
- I think I've got it working.
- Yeah? Great.
I've got the tapes here, look.
If it's gonna be anywhere,
it's gonna be in there.
KURTAN: Well, yeah,
I've been thinking a lot about
what the vicar said, and he's right,
I just need to get to know Ray better,
which is, obviously, hard
with him being dead now.
But Kerry remembered that her mum's got
a video of Ray's 40th birthday party,
which was also the millennium.
So, yeah, proper excited about
seeing what Ray was really like!
Oh, it takes me back, doing that.
SUE: Oh, bloody hell! Mart?
Yeah, what?
I can't bloody work this thing! I don't
know if it's been poisoned or not.
MARTIN: I don't wanna lose my deposit
from Radio Rentals. Give it here.
- SUE: Look, I can't.
- Martin.
- SUE: There's no No, no, no!
- Just press that.
- SUE: I do display there
- MARTIN: So press that!
Oh, I see.
Oh, little Monica and Chandler in there.
- Aww.
- Are you looking forward to
the millennium, little fellas?
Millennium party. Party. Party!
- KERRY: Look how old everything is!
- Yeah.
2000!
- You all right there, Trish?
- KERRY: Trish!
Oh, there we go.
Lovely, lovely!
And, er, you all right there, Rick?
KURTAN: Rick! (LAUGHS)
(PARTY CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)
- Hi, Sue!
- Hiya!
KURTAN: Where's Ray?
- Martin!
- My dad!
His hair!
- (PHONE RINGS)
- SUE: Him and that ringtone!
I'm telling you, Stuart!
Oh, for goodness' sake.
- Stuart doesn't change, does he?
- No.
SUE: Kerry!
- Kerry!
- That's us!
No finishing the crisps, please!
Kerry!
- We loved that game!
- Yeah.
You can't get through to them
when that Crash Bandicoot's on.
I can't get over Dad's hair.
KURTAN: Well, where's Ray, then?
KERRY: Dancing!
- KERRY: There he is.
- You having a good birthday, Ray?
KURTAN: There he is. But
Give me the remote.
(SUE LAUGHS)
Rewind it.
You having a good birthday, Ray?
KURTAN: There he is, look.
That is haunting.
Yeah.
His own 40th birthday party,
on his own,
a ghost at his own feast.
They were right about
him always wearing his overalls, though.
Yeah.
So, welcome to Book Club, everyone,
and a very warm welcome
to a new face, Mandy Harris.
It's so lovely to have new members.
Welcome, Mandy. Erm,
so, The Jungle Book,
how did everyone get on with it?
Yes, Kayleigh?
I think identity plays
a big part in this world
and the nature-nurture debate,
cos I think Mowgli struggles
with his sense of belonging
in the two worlds.
No.
REV FRANCIS: Er Er, sorry,
Kayleigh, carry on.
- Carry on.
- And, erm
I think we see this when he gets
frustrated that he can't do
- the things all the animals can do
- REV FRANCIS: Mm.
like smelling.
That's wrong.
REV FRANCIS: Yes, it's great
to have new members.
It's important that the club
is inclusive of everyone,
no matter how experienced
a reader you are,
and each new member brings
a unique and different perspective,
which is always welcomed
and creates good, healthy debate.
I don't know about the rest of you,
I think I would love to be friends
with Baloo. He's that big brother
you always wanted, isn't he?
He's not the big brother
I wanted. He's an idiot.
Erm Er, next time we'll be reading
something a little spookier.
Kerry, maybe you'd like
to explain your choice?
Er, this is Goosebumps.
Don't know if you're familiar
with the Goosebumps books.
And this is called
Piano Lessons Can Be Murder.
And let's just say, after you read this,
you won't be taking piano lessons
any time soon!
MANDY: Why?
Er, well, I don't
Er, you'll find out when you read it.
Er, no, I won't.
You can tell me anyway, because
I probably won't read it, anyway.
- Well, you might read it.
- No, I ain't gonna read it.
OK.
Er, it's basically about
a boy called Jerry
who takes piano lessons
and finds out his piano teacher
is a robot.
And then what happens?
He, er, murders people,
just chops off everyone's hands.
That's the end.
I probably would've read that
if you hadn't ruined the ending.
Well done.
Right
KERRY: So, how do you think
Book Club went?
- Um
- Mm-hm?
Well, er
I think I know
why you're asking that question.
Oh. Why would that be, do you think?
- Mandy
- Yeah?
- has
- was like an atomic bomb,
blasting Book Club and all the books in it
within a 40,000-mile radius
Kerry I I just think she was
getting the hang of it.
- She was getting the hang of it?
- She misunderstood the ground rules.
- Totally dominating the whole thing
- Yes.
being rude to Kayleigh.
I had to look after Kayleigh.
Kayleigh was in tears afterwards.
- Was she?
- So I just thought I'd let you know
that we both, um, are now
non-members of Book Club.
- No, wait a second, Kerry.
- No, we're walking out.
- Kerry
- It's either her or us.
Kerry, it doesn't need to be like that.
I'm going to talk to Mandy, all right?
- You've got to give me a chance.
- What are you gonna say to her?
You need to say
I will do what you have to say.
"Mandy, this behaviour is mental, yeah?
"You have to not come to Book Club
any more. In fact, you're banned."
- No, Kerry.
- "You need to seek mental health
- "and not come to Book Club."
- Kerry
- That's what you need to say!
- Hold on one second, please.
Can I speak?
Book Club is for everyone,
- and that's the way it's going to remain.
- Yeah, who's not nuts.
Please let me deal with this and
- OK, I trust you.
- and please just trust me
- I trust you.
- to talk to her.
Thank you. Thank you for
your patience. I appreciate it.
Because I have been patient.
Yep, you have.
OK? Bye!
Bye!
REV FRANCIS: Well, look
there are always tensions
in any group dynamic,
but Book Club is for everyone,
and that is not something
I'm prepared to compromise on.
I'm sure, with time and support,
Mandy will blossom into
a very valued contributor.
(BANG)
(BANG)
(BANG)
(THUD)
Can you just stop doing that, please?
(KURTAN SIGHS)
You all right?
No, not really.
Why?
Just
I just wish I had
an anecdote or a story about Ray
so I know that, you know, at least
he made some sort of mark
on the world before he died.
Well, I could always ask Mum.
No, don't bother.
I'm not in the mood for her.
Well, she must have some memories of Ray.
Yeah, but I just
- Well, I can just ask her now.
- No.
- Don't
- Mum?
Ker
Do you remember Ray?
- Ray?
- Ray!
No!
Ray Mucklowe, Kurtan's half-brother!
Mum, he's dead.
Mum, Kurtan's down here.
All right, Mum.
OK, enough.
Enough, please.
Sorry.
I did say, didn't I?
- Just don't get her involved.
- Mm.
REV FRANCIS: OK, so,
Piano Lessons Can Be Murder.
Well, I have to say Kerry, I was
very pleasantly surprised by this book,
so thank you very much for your
suggestion. It was a real page-turner.
- I don't know what you thought. But
- Oh, Vicar?
If it's all right, I wondered
if, erm, because I've been
so very, very inspired
by everybody reading books
if I read out a story
that I've written.
Er
w well, that's
wonderful. Erm
- Murder In The Cupboard
- OK, very quickly.
by Mandy Harris.
(MANDY CLEARS HER THROAT)
"A little girl called Sarah was asleep.
"'Bark, ' said Sarah's dog.
"'Shut it, ' said Sarah.
"'Bark, bark, bark, ' said the dog.
"'Shut your mouth, I'm trying to get
40 winks here, ' said Sarah.
"'Bark, ' said the dog.
"'If you bark one more time,
I'm kicking you so hard up the arse.'
"'Bark, ' the dog replied.
"Sarah booted the dog so far up the arse
his head smashed into the cupboard.
"The door swung open to reveal
a murderer what had been
"hiding in the cupboard this whole time.
"'Oh, fuck, ' said Sarah,
"'I didn't realise you was barking
at a murderer in the cupboard.
"'I thought you was winding me up,
because that's what you usually do.'
"The dog didn't reply,
cos it was massively concussed.
"Sarah looked at the cupboard.
"It wasn't a murderer after all.
"It was just a suit jacket
that looked like a murderer in the dark.
"'So you was winding me up
after all, then, ' said Sarah.
"The very next day, Sarah took the dog
to the Dogs Trust
"and they couldn't rehome him,
so they, sadly, put him down.
"The end."
REV FRANCIS:
Yes, it's very important
that the book club remains as open
as possible. Er, at the same time,
sometimes one has to think about
the happiness of the group
rather than the individual
Was any of you surprised
when the murderer in the cupboard
turned out to be a suit jacket?
Cos I was,
and I was the one that wrote it.
especially when
the individual concerned is
somewhat of an acquired taste.
(KURTAN EXHALES)
Auntie Sheila sent me Ray's diary,
and it's just
"Monday - Mitsubishi.
"Tuesday - Mitsubishi.
"Wednesday - Mitsubishi.
"Thursday - Mitsubishi."
I I give up.
I mean, the man's life
was just Mitsubishi,
and I've just gotta accept it.
I just realise I've wasted
a lot of time trying to pin
a personality on Ray
that I don't think ever existed.
The man just loved Mitsubishi,
and that's that.
"Tuesday - Mitsubishi.
"Kitchen hygiene review."
Fuck me, what's the point?
Yeah, so.
I rang up Mitsubishi and asked them
if they'd name their next car after Ray,
which they said was
absolutely out of the question,
but they did say they'd, er, fund
a memorial bench in his name,
which is nice, and, er, Clive said he'd
come down and do an unveiling ceremony,
erm, which is a little bit annoying.
REV FRANCIS: Ah, lovely.
Yeah, but will people get
that he's dead, though,
and it's not just a retirement bench?
Mm. Yeah, I I think so.
To me, that looks like a retirement bench.
Well, it's certainly a lovely view
of the cricket pitch.
That I agree with, yeah.
Yeah.
- Oh, look, I don't believe it.
- What?
Look, it's a Mitsubishi pulling in.
- How poignant!
- Oh!
CLIVE: Er, no, that's
a Honda Civic Type R.
I can see why you think
it's a Mitsubishi, though.
Looks a lot like the Evo.
- Ah.
- But it's not.
Well, he's making a meal
of parking that, ain't he?
No, I think he's just
trying to turn round.
You know, it's funny, if you, erm,
if you put the marketplace
in the sat nav, it always brings you
here, for some reason.
- Really?
- Yeah! (LAUGHS)
Are you on Waze?
Er, no, I tend to use Google Maps.
Oh. Well, I would download Waze.
Why? What's the difference?
Um, well, Waze is more
sort of community-based,
and, er, Google Maps is
more data-based, you know.
Waze is better with, er, you know,
traffic alerts and whatnot.
And, well, Google, it's I dunno.
It's more kind of I don't know,
it's not it's not so, er
Rest in peace, Ray!
Yeah, absolutely.
Yes, rest in peace, Ray.
Yeah.
So, does Waze alert you to, like,
erm, speed cameras and that?
Well, what happens is
that other people alert you,
so it's like it's like a kind of
sort of social networking group.
- Right.
- So what happens is, you're.
- How clever!
- Yeah, yeah, it's great.
It's really good. So, you'll get alerted
about all sorts of things, you know,
and it re-routes you.
He's more of a Google Maps man, then.
- I think he's a bit overwrought.
- Yeah.
It's understandable.
Well, yeah, give it a year, I think,
and everyone will be using Waze.
- KERRY: Oh, do you think?
- Yeah, yeah, I think so, yeah.
Oh, hello, Mandy?
Er, it's, er, Francis Seaton here.
Hello, how are you?
Er, obviously, my intention was
for Book Club to be a broad church,
but, well, some people just work better
on their own than in a group.
But that's fine. Er, the world would be
a bit boring if we were all team players.
Look, the last thing I want to do
is to upset you.
So Mandy and I had a really
good, robust honest conversation,
and we decided that the best way forward
would be to have a special book club.
So, which one do you want to hear first?
I've got Murder On The Dodgems.
The sessions will be
one on one twice a week,
and it can be a sort of open forum
for her creative writing
which I'm really delighted about.
MANDY: "Harold had smashed
"into Tom's head on his Dodgem,
which served Harold right for shagging
"Tom's wife while Harold was away
doing catering for the RAF.
"Tom was absolutely furious and got out
"and started banging the shit out of
Harold's Dodgem with his mallet.
"But that only made Harold angrier.
"Harold drove his Dodgem straight at Tom
and took his legs clean off
"and then reversed over his arms
and crushed them into bits, too.
"So Tom was just like a fat sack
of potatoes with no arms or legs,
"just a head and a pair of bollocks
hanging off the bottom.
"The end."
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