This Fool (2022) s01e04 Episode Script

Y Tu Julio También


Angelic vocalizing ♪

I need your help.
But in order to help me,
I need you to be sneaky.
- Are you two little fools sneaky?
- Yes.
- How sneaky?
- Very sneaky.
Okay, then.
I need you to go out back
and blow up these fireworks.
- You can do that for your tío Julio?
- Yeah.
You know how to use a lighter?
- Yeah.
- You do?
- Yeah.
- Okay, here.
Alright, get the hell outta here.
WOMAN: ¡Niños!

- Hey, perro. What was that sound?
- That shit woke me up.
Oh, shit, uh
I don't know.
You should probably go check it out.
I gotta bounce.
Why? Where you going? What's the rush?
- Luis, just move!
- No, hold up.
Ominous music plays ♪
[EERILY] Feliz cumpleaños a ti ♪
Feliz cumpleaños a ti ♪
Feliz cumpleaños querido ♪
Julio! Did you give
my fucking kids fireworks?
Feliz cumpleaños a ti ♪
[GRUNTS] Motherfucker!
Fuck you. LUIS: Get your ass back here!
Tres leches.
Theme music playing ♪

Wah, wah.
It's funny. Nobody did anything
for my birthday last week.
Hey, what's Julio's problem?
I would have killed to have celebrated
my birthday while I was locked up.
He's not happy with where he's at in life
because he doesn't know what he wants,
and so he, like, hates himself for it.
So instead of celebrating his birthday,
he literally thinks he deserves to suffer.
I'm gonna make sure he suffers
by celebrating
the shit out of his birthday.
Good luck finding him.
Every birthday he disappears all day.
I bet he even called in sick to work.
- Pinche huevón.
- Hey, hey.
Maybe he's out doing something fun.
BARRY THE DENTIST: Good morning, Mr. Lopez.
I, uh, I'm reviewing your paperwork here,
and I noticed a little mistake.
It says here that it's your birthday.
Oh, uh, it's not a mistake.
Today is my birthday.
Oh. Well, in that case,
we should reschedule.
You shouldn't have to be here
on your birthday.
- Oh, no, that's okay.
- Thanks for offering, though.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
I specifically scheduled this for today.
- You wanna be here?
- I wanna be here.
- Oh. Okay.
- Yeah.
Mr. Lopez, then I guess, uh, open wide.
JULIO: Yeah.
BARRY: Oh, okay. I just I can't do this.
I'm sorry. I cannot do this.
But it's your job.
What are you, into BDSM or something?
No. BARRY: You like getting punished?
No. BARRY: Naughty birthday boy.
I went to dental school
and they warned me about people like you.
Hey, you wanna get weird with a doctor?
You go see a podiatrist. Okay?
Don't you ever
come back here again, pervert.
And I'm still charging you for today.
- Fuck
Hey, Minister Payne, what's up?
Fabian got arrested.
For what?
Public nudity at a Jewish temple.
He was screaming to be converted.
- What?
- Julio, are you listening to me?
Fabian is tweaking again.
I need you to come down here and run things
while I work on finding him a good lawyer.
But I specifically took today off.
Goddamn it.
Oh, hey, Julio.
I hope you're having
a very nice and special day.
Oh, um for no particular reason.
Thanks. You too.
Ominous music plays ♪
Oh, yeah, I'm making this cake
extra special for this motherfucker.
That fool told me
his birthday was on Christmas.
That's why I didn't buy him anything.
Which is fucked up,
'cause he always go hard for our birthday.
Last year, that motherfucker
got me some fancy-ass soap.
Somehow he knew
the exact kinda soap that I wanted.
Shea butter.
FABIAN: He thinks we're a charity case.
Martyr-ass bitch.
Make a wish, bitch.
'Cause your birthday's getting celebrated.
Damn, that cake looks bomb!
Hey, check this shit out.
Julio? Let's get his ass.

MINISTER PAYNE: Stop right there!
Luis told me everything.
You fuckin' lied to me.
We just wanna celebrate your birthday.
You made me do this.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Come on, get him!
- Go! Go!
What happened?
He fucking bit me,
bit right through the fabric.
Let's get his ass!

Where do you think you're going, man?
Get out, homey.
Happy birthday to you ♪
Happy birthday to you ♪
What the fuck is wrong with them?
Happy birthday, dear Julio ♪
Time to eat your cake, birthday bitch!
Happy birthday to you ♪

Hold this.
This isn't over, motherfucker.
- Maggie?
- Shouldn't leave your window unlocked.
There's a lot of perverts
and sick fucks out there.
You didn't text me back.
About that earthquake that didn't happen?
You're so pathetic.
Now move over, loser.
What are you doing here?
- We broke up again.
- I know.
But it's your birthday.
I had to come by and give you your gift.
- I don't want anything.
- Bullshit.
So you think you know me, huh?
I'm the only one who knows you.
And I know exactly what you want.
Oh, yeah? What is that?
You wanna lie here and stare at the ceiling
and think about how much
you fucking hate yourself.
Because you're 31
and you still live at your mom's house
because you chose a career path
that doesn't lead
to financial independence.
- Oh, yeah? Fuck.
And also because you broke up with me,
because you're scared of commitment.
So you're all alone.
Oh, shit, this is good.
But guess what, sucio?
I'm here now, and I'm gonna
let you have your cake and eat it too.
- Oh, fuck, yeah.
So we're just gonna lie here
and be fucking miserable all night long!
- Oh, fuck!
- Oh, yeah!
You feel that earthquake?
LUIS: Hey, Julio, it's me.
Fuckin' leave me alone.
LUIS: I'm sorry that I told everybody
it was your birthday.
I know you don't like
to make a big deal out of it,
but, you know, you've done
a lot to help me out.
I know you had good intentions.
It's all good.
LUIS: Hey, listen, I really think
you should come out tonight.
I promise we'll do it up right, primo.
I'd rather kick it by myself.
LUIS: Come on, dawg.
We don't even gotta go out anywhere.
Just come out and have a pisto with me.
You didn't hear me? I said no!
LUIS: Alright, then, you fuckin' pussy.
Have it your way.
Ominous music playing ♪


What the fuck?
[EERILY] Happy birthday to you ♪
What the fuck?
- LUIS: Get him, homeys, get him!
- No! No!
- LUIS: Watch out, that fool bites.
- Get the fuck off me!
LUIS: His teeth are fucked up,
but they're strong!
JULIO: No! No!
Respect my birthday wishes!
Music playing on TV ♪
JULIO: Leave me the fuck alone! No!
No! No!
LUIS: Surprise!
You're at a bowling alley, bitch.
You ready for the best fuckin' birthday
of your life, primo?
Come on, tell the homey your shoe size.
Don't be stupid.

Magic Carpet Ride
by Step pen wolf playing ♪

Right between the sound machine ♪
Come on, Luis.
On a cloud of sound
I drift in the night ♪
Yeah, homey!

- WOMAN: Get in here.
- No, you can do it. You can do it.
You don't know what ♪
FABIAN: Come on.
- Wah!
You don't know what ♪
LUIS: Oh! Oh, shit.


Close your eyes, girl ♪
Look inside, girl ♪
Let the sound take you away ♪

MINISTER PAYNE: Feliz cumpleaños, buddy.
Chili cheese fry.
- I'm good. No, thanks.
- Your loss.
I get that you hate your birthday,
but you should be happy
there are people who wanna celebrate you.
You've made a difference in their lives.
They're better people because of you.
LUIS: Oh, damn, oh, I'm pregnant.
Ay, Mira, look, it's a baby Julio.
You're totally right.
I need to change my attitude.
How about this?
I'll stop being a little bitch
if you bowl a round with me.
Loser has to lead group hug tomorrow.
Oh, game on, bitch.
- I'll go get us another round.
- No, no, no.
- It's your birthday. Drinks are on me.
- Uh! I insist.
I fuckin' bit you.
Fair enough. You did break the skin.
What can I say, I'm blessed, I'm blessed.

Can I get my shoes back?
Twenty dollars.
Birthday boy who hates his birthday,
trying to skip out on his own party?
I've seen it a million times.
Give me $20, I'll give you your shoes back.
Goddamn it.
Happy birthday.
- Oh, shit.
- Let me guess.
Luis invited you to this stupid thing, huh?
What stupid thing?
Who the fuck is this?
Th This This is my date.
Hey, what's up, man? Cool shoes.
This guy is my friend Julio Lopez.
Hey, cool name, bro. I'm Julio Tambien.
Oh, great. Another Julio?
What's your last name?
I just told you, bro. It's Tambien.
What kinda stupid-ass last name is that?
I dunno.
How was I supposed to know you'd be here?
You usually just stay at home
and stare at the ceiling on your birthday.
You don't know me
as well as you think you do.
I'm actually having
a fuckin' blast right now.
You were just trying
to escape your own party.
- I don't wanna argue on my birthday.
- It's a special day.
- Aw.
- Also, how'd you meet that fool?
- I met him at a work event for my firm.
- He's a lawyer.
A lawyer? Pfft. What a douche.
An international human rights lawyer.
[SARCASTICALLY] Oh, what a great guy.
- Fuck off.
- Ugh.
Isn't there like a law against
dating one of your coworkers?
It's funny how you work at a law firm
and I know more about the law than you.
Oh, my God, just shut up, okay?
Look, I am happy to go somewhere else.
I fucking hate bowling.
JULIO: No. Just stay.
We're all adults here. I'm 31 now.
Mature enough to handle this
complicated situation with ease.
Okay. If that's what you really want.
- Yeah.
- Hey, babe. Let's go bowl.
Hey. Nice meeting you, Julio Lopez.
Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
Game on, Tambien.

- Thank you.
- Let's fuckin' do this.

- Oh. Oh.

Hey, my boy.
Maggie's there with some other fool.
I know.
Well, how does that make you feel?
It's my birthday. I feel fucking great.

That's right, my boy!
Welcome to the party!

MINISTER PAYNE: Nice job there, gutter boy.




Just nice and easy.
Hey, it's your turn, fool, come on.



Final frame. Two pins to win.
You got this, Lopez.
Fuck you, Tambien.

[WINCES] Fuck.
Damn, Manuela's not doing too good, huh?
Maybe you should throw in the towel
'cause Payne already crushed you.

Can't let that fool win.
Guess I gotta use the other Manuela.
Nookie by Limp Bizkit playing ♪
Right. But what I was saying was
is you already lost, you know, so

I came into this world as a reject ♪
Look into these eyes ♪
Then you'll see the size of the flames ♪
- Dwellin' on the past ♪
- Past ♪
- It's burnin' up my brain ♪
- Hot ♪
Everyone that burns
has to learn from the pain ♪
- Hey ♪
- Like a chump ♪
- Hey ♪
- Like a chump ♪
- Hey ♪
- Like a chump ♪
- Hey ♪
- Like a chump ♪
- Hey ♪
- Like a chump ♪
- Hey ♪
- Like a chump ♪
- Hey ♪
- Like a chump ♪
- Hey ♪
- Like a chump ♪
- Hey ♪
- Like a chump ♪
- Hey ♪
- Like a chump ♪
- Hey ♪
- Like a chump ♪
- The nookie ♪
- Come on ♪
- The nookie ♪
- Come on ♪
So you can take that cookie ♪
- Stick it up your ♪
- Yeah ♪
Stick it up your ♪
I did it all for the nookie ♪
- Come on ♪
- The nookie ♪
- Come on ♪
- So you can take that cookie ♪
- And stick it up your ♪
- Yeah ♪
- Stick it up your ♪
- Yeah ♪
- Stick it up your ♪
- Yeah ♪
Stick it up your ♪

Happy birthday to you ♪
Happy birthday to you ♪
Happy birthday, dear Julio ♪
Lopez ♪
Happy birthday ♪
- To you ♪
- To me! ♪
Did you just stick
your dirty motherfuckin' face
into my beautiful motherfuckin' cake?
You're supposed to let other people
push your head into the cake.
Maybe it's better
you don't celebrate your birthday.
I don't think you know how to do it right.
Go wash your face off.
You ruined your birthday for us.

Why the fuck are you
acting like such a tool?
Hey, this is for men only.
- Hey, you're a fucking idiot.
You're just mad
I beat your boyfriend's ass at bowling.
Guess I'm still Julio number one.
You can't beat someone you're not playing.
That's not how shit works.
You could have at least texted me back.
Why? Did you want to hang out with me?
No. It's just friends should
text friends back on their birthdays.
Just admit it.
You miss me.
I didn't say that.
Stop being such a little bitch
and admit what you want.
I don't want shit from you.
I know what you want.
You wanna kiss me right here
in this dirty-ass bathroom.
Admit it, slut.
Okay. I miss you. There.
And I wanna kiss you
in this dirty-ass bathroom.
Congrats, birthday boy.
You finally said what you want.
You're growing up.
Sapo verde, bitch!

Do not eat the chili cheese fries.
Tell everyone.
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