This Fool (2022) s02e01 Episode Script

The Rooster

At Hugs Not Thugs, we
offer the resources you need
to transform your life.
People love buying cupcakes
from ex-gang members.
Bitch, do you want me to relapse?
My cousin spent the
last eight years in prison.
- Sorry I'm late!
- He's crashing at my place.
Check it out.
We don't have to wipe our
ass with sandpaper anymore.
Dawg, put that shit away.
Technically, it's my mom's house.
You're 31 and you
still live at your mom's house.
And you broke up with me because
you're scared of commitment.
You've never been to therapy
but you're leading a group hug session?
That's fucked up, Julio.
In your profile, you said you
were an aspiring entrepreneur.
Oh, well, um,
I have a passion for coffee.
You got some serious
psychological issues.
Hey, homey, what the fuck you doing?
I need someone like you
for a security guard.
Y'all hear that?
This store belongs to Luis
motherfuckin' Hernandez.
- Damn.
- Shit.
- Sorry, guys.
- That verga was massive.
Last week, a huge
potential donor stopped by
and offered us $15 million in grant.
All billionaires are pigs.
I like it when he watches
me have sex with poor people.
I fuckin' knew it.
But the truth is my P was
simply too big for her V.
Anyway, those fucking
billionaire fucks tore up
that check right in front
of me and my big dong.
We're done here. Very sorry.
We got the apartment!
I'm sorry you lost your
job, but I got your back.
I don't wanna move in with you, okay?
You're messy. I don't have a job.
Sometimes I don't even think
we're right for each other.
Get the fuck outta my apartment.
- Where should I sleep?
- Take the bed, big dawg.
- For real?
- Nah, nah, nah.
The bed's mine.
- But you can have the couch, alright?
- I don't know what I'm gonna do now.
Burning down your entire life
forces you out of your comfort zone.
It makes you have to find a new path.
Dawg, pick up your shit.
It's on my side.
Every day it's the same thing with you.
Do something with your
life. Go get a job.
You should try giving up.
Shit is tight.
You know what? I pity you.
Damn, over here trying
to get my day started
and now I'm sitting
here filled with pity?
Fuckin' rooster.
What's up, Darius?
Come here for a second.
Got something I wanna discuss with you.
You come here.
Nah, you come here.
You coming?
Are you coming?
Are you the one feeding
this little-ass dinosaur?
Listen, Julio, I don't wanna
get racial about this shit,
but this ain't Mexico.
Tell Don Emilio he needs to
do something with this bird.
The thing is crowing every
damn hour of the day, I can't sleep.
I work the graveyard.
This is my nighttime, dawg.
The sun is my moon.
Tell Don Emilio yourself. It's his bird.
I just rent that fool's garage.
You know I don't speak no español.
Now, I have been taken
these Duolingo classes.
I'm starting to understand
what you people sayin' about me.
Y'all talking a lot of shit.
The more I learn, the more it hurt.
Well, I'm making it your problemo.
Whole motherfucking block can't sleep.
Shit boilin' up.
Remember the '90s?
Shit was heated between
your people and my people.
Now, we been gettin'
along real nice for a while
but this neighborhood is held
together by a very thin fabric,
and that motherfuckin' rooster
is pecking holes in that fabric.
Peck, peck, peck.
Kill each other.
See if I give a shit.
You're just gonna sit there
in your nasty-ass pajamas
and watch the world burn.
That ain't right,
Julio. That ain't right.
People think these trees
make the hood look nice.
They're killing us!
120 miles ahead of Hugh is Alex.
So far the ice has held.
The truck has run true.
Alex's luck runs out.
Hey, my man.
You just bumped into
me, you didn't say sorry.
Think you can just go around
being all rude and shit?
Dawg, I've stabbed motherfuckers
for acting disrespectful like that.
What the fuck you gotta say now, huh?
What the The fuck?
Is that a cuff link in your pocket?
Oh, you wanna come in
here and steal from me now?
I'm not the one, homey.
Turn your ass around, put your
fuckin' hands on the wall, bitch.
Man, you look like a
Guatemalan James Bond.
Nobody jacks from
my store. You wanna steal?
You do that shit at
Men's Wearhouse, bitch.
Excuse me for a minute.
Hey, cut that shit out, Luis.
What the hell is going on?
Hey, I was just practicing, you know.
For when something really goes down.
You gotta be ready, you know.
Ready for what?
Man, once or twice a year
shit goes down in here.
The rest of the time, just go sit
on your stool and be cool, man.
Yeah, but I'm fuckin' bored.
You want something to do? Okay.
Last night, somebody came in here
and painted a sad, "flacked"
penis on our window.
Go clean the sad, "flacked"
penis off, young blood.
Aw, man, what the fuck?
Hello, my name is Jesus Christ.
Will you buy me a sandwich?
- What's up, Officer Hernandez?
- What's up, Ruby?
Same one again?
You know we got other flavors.
Yeah. Same shit, different day.
I feel you.
What's up with that book you're reading?
Oh, it's a book about Norway.
What's Norway about?
That's where they got
reindeers and shit.
I'm going there next month.
- Damn. For real?
- Yeah.
Sounds tight.
Pretty expensive though, huh?
I got a system.
Oh, shit, look at you,
you got a system now?
Yeah, check this out.
Four days a week I work here,
one day a week I work at the
baggage claim at United Airlines
because, you know, if you work at
an airline, you get free flights.
Yeah, so I bust my ass working here,
save my money and then I can
travel anywhere I wanna go.
I've been everywhere.
I've even been to Saudi Arabia.
Man, Saudi Arabia?
Yeah. It sucks, but I've been there.
Damn, look at you.
You're like Antonia Bourdain.
You're funny.
I hate when people want ice cream.
Alright, I'll see you tomorrow, officer.
See you later, Ruby.
So, Don Emilio, this
is what it's come to.
Now, I don't believe in this
we all gotta love each
other unity bullshit.
- Mm-mmm.
- But what I do believe in is respect.
You're not respecting the fact
that we all have jobs
and we need our sleep.
Lack of sleep affects
a man's testosterone.
Julio, tell him, my
husband can't get hard.
No! Don't translate that.
- Yvonne, what the fuck?
- It's true.
Don Emilio.
You're putting us in a
difficult position, Don Emilio.
We all know that if
Darius killed your rooster,
then me and the other
Latinos gotta back your ass up
- and fuck up Darius' dog.
- Hmm.
I don't wanna fuck up Darius' dog.
That's a cute-ass dog.
And when you fuck up my dog,
my people gonna have to
fuck up some of your people.
Then we're in a race war.
And you know what happens after that?
Mr. Chen gonna have to pick a side.
Don't put Mr. Chen in that position.
Well, I'm sure that
janky-ass garage you rent out
- doesn't have a permit.
- Mm-hmm.
It would be a shame if the city
found out and you had
to evict your tenants.
Tell him that, Julio.
Don Emilio.
You know why everyone hates you?
'Cause they're jealous.
You don't gotta worry about nothing.
'Cause you're just a fuckin' rooster.
Your only job is to
get chickens pregnant.
Damn. You're a player, huh?
How many chickens you
fucked in your life?
Probably like a hundred, huh?
Life is meaningless and
you don't even know it.
Lucky-ass fool.
I would do anything to
trade places with you.
Huh? Oh, shit, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
What the fuck are you doing?
Let go of it.
What the fuck? Hey!
Mr. Chen? What the fuck are you doing?
That rooster has to die.
You don't know what it's like to not
have your people around to back you up.
What happened to the Parks?
They moved to Texas.
What the fuck?
It's too early to be bumping that shit.
Doesn't bother me.
Don Emilio.
Turn that mariachi shit
off, I'm trying to sleep.
I'm not fuckin' around with you.
If I don't get no sleep today,
that bitch-ass rooster
is gonna sleep forever!
Man, you look like a
Taiwanese James Bond.
Slick-ass ties, huh, my boy?
Yeah, they're pretty nice.
Super nice.
Go ahead.
Take one.
- What?
- It's cool. I work here.
I'm the head of security.
But homeboy don't pay me enough.
So you know what I'm
sayin'? I don't give a fuck.
Go with that green one.
Shit looks good on you.
Man, I don't know, I'm not trying
to get in trouble or nothing.
Dawg I got you.
- Got you, dawg.
- What the fuck?
- Fucking tie thief.
- What the fuck, man? You tricked me!
You tricked yourself, bitch.
What's going on over here?
OG, I caught this motherfucker stealing.
- He said I could have it!
- Yeah, it was a test and you failed,
now time to pay the price, bitch!
Young blood, let this man go.
But, OG, he fucking tried
But nothing, let him go.
He's taking the tie!
And the mannequin.
Don't worry about it.
We got mannequin insurance.
I don't know, I
I guess I just feel like I
I got all this energy and I don't
know what to do with it, you know?
Like something inside of me just,
like, can't figure this shit out.
I just feel like I
just wanna go out there
and really, like, really do
Like start your own business?
Boy, you better not open up
a new suit shop next to me.
Oh, no, no, not like that.
Man, I don't fuckin' know.
It's just that
shit keeps happening to me,
like people bump into
me, they don't say sorry.
It makes me feel,
makes me feel fuckin' crazy.
You know, I keep thinking to myself,
"So this is freedom, huh?"
There's times when I
miss being in prison.
OG, please, man, like,
tell me what to do
'cause I feel like I'm
about to lose my shit.
You know who you remind me of?
James Bond.
Now, there was a man of violence.
I've seen all 25 movies.
And do you know how
many people he killed?
Five hundred and
ninety-seven. Oh, I counted.
Now, why do you suppose
he killed all them people?
Because he never settled
down with a nice woman.
Even though he met plenty of 'em.
Had sexual relations with 58.
Counted them too, bro.
Some women, he'd sleep with 'em
then he'd kill 'em.
That's part of what made it
such a fascinating franchise.
But that was also his downfall.
You see, in this life,
you got to find some
way to spend that energy.
You can either kill countless men
or find yourself a nice woman,
settle down, start a family.
That way you won't
end up like James Bond.
A man I deeply respect
but I also pity.
Now, get out there
and clean that big erect
penis off my window!
The vandals have struck us again.
Hello, my name is James Bond.
Will you buy me a sandwich?
Did you just say your
name was James Bond?
No, I am Christ.
Jesus Christ?
Hola, Officer Hernandez.
What's up, Señora Bourdain?
Damn, you finally went for a new flavor.
Yeah, well, it's a new day.
Okay, I see you.
Yeah, well,
you know, I hope it's not
being too forward or anything,
but, you know, I was thinking that,
you know, maybe you and I could
Can I get some help, please?
Hey, my man.
Give us a minute, alright?
We're having a conversation here.
But, uh, I was gonna ask
Hey, dawg, you ring
that bell one more time,
you're gonna regret that shit.
- I fuckin' told you.
- Hey, Luis.
It's cool, it's cool. Let me just
take care of this dumbass real quick.
You motherfu
Hey, my man.
How about a sorry?
- What?
- You just bumped into me and didn't say sorry.
Alright? That's bad manners.
Made me drop these flowers on the ground
that I was about to give to somebody.
You should say you're sorry.
Okay dude, relax, okay?
It's not that big of a deal.
Not that big of a deal? Fuck that.
You can't just be going around bumping
into people and not saying sorry.
You know, in prison you get
stabbed for not saying sorry.
You can start a fuckin' race riot
for bumping into someone
and not saying sorry!
Y'all need to be a lot nicer.
Like people in prison are.
Okay, alright. Hey, I'm sorry.
Oh, now you're sorry, huh?
You know what? Fuck that,
motherfucker, it's too late.
Both of you get the fuck outta
here before I call the cops.
Luis, wait.
You're right.
People around here don't
have any fucking manners.
Oh, shit.
- For real?
- Mm-hmm.
Now get the fuck outta here.
Right. I'ma hit you up later.
Hi, hello. That asshole
is stealing ice cream.
I just needed my mint chip.
Wait. No.
That's right.
Suddenly, a close call.
I was hanging right on the edge.
At first we thought
that rooster was gonna divide us.
- Yeah!
- But you've done the impossible.
You have united us against you
with our hate for that
motherfucking rooster.
Hey, translate that.
Uh, man, actually my Spanish
isn't that good, like,
I speak it, I definitely understand it.
And besides, man, Spanish
is a colonizer language.
Hey, Julio. Translate that shit.
Suck my dick, bitch.
I'm done translating for you.
Forget you, then.
Don Emilio.
It's over.
Just hand over the
rooster, we can all go home.
That's alright.
I don't even care anymore.
Kill me.
At least then I'll finally
be able to get some sleep.
That's alright, old man. That's alright.
Just hand over the
rooster, we can all go home.
Kill the motherfucker!
Please don't kill the rooster.
He's all I have.
This is sad as fuck.
Let's just go home.
Get one of those fuckin'
white noise machines.
And some Viagra.
There's a crow. Right there.
Right beside the window,
look at the silly bugger.
The raven is playing
in the heat waves rising off the truck.
Hey, check it out, fool.
New tattoo.
Damn, dawg, I told you to
get this rooster outta here.
He's on my side.
Ah, fuck it, I don't
give a shit anymore anyway.
What you been up to?
Same shit, different day.
I feel that.
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