This is Jinsy (2010) s01e04 Episode Script

Ool Bat

Now, Sporall, you know the Three Wonders Of Jinsy? Mickey's Bucket the Lemony Dog, Mrs Boollay's Face.
They're really good.
Well, now I present to you the Fourth wonder, the Arbiter Maven Bridge! It's not quite finished yet.
Modelled to the precise contours of my nose! It's massive.
Yes, isn't it? This will allow me to perambulate from my chalet to the tower without getting my shoes muddy.
Good use of public money, sir.
Yes, I thought so.
Stop! This is a very rare shhairhair mushroom.
I will protect you, my darling.
So beautiful I only I was younger and a mushroom Agh! I, Edery Molt, hereby raise the Glamorous Arrow to protect this mushroom and halt construction of this bridge! No! Don't block my nose bridge! 'Residents of Jinsy, stand by your tesselators.
' 'Now is the time to sing, sing, sing! Attention all residents! You are reminded that gossip can be fatal! Today marks the death of infamous tune-warbler Joycee Fomm, whose illegal method of spreading gossip through song took the island by storm, reaching its zenith with her recording on wax earcone of John Bovin Is A Secret Pill Taker And Is Messing With That Girl From The Arcade.
Joycee's demise at the hands of a sausage-wielding mob came after her final release, Terry Hint Puts Budgies In His Pasties, which, was issued on an extended cartridge with bonus track, The Clesh Sisters Both Wear Wigs And Janet Wears a Merkin.
Yes, that's nice, Carol.
Hh Arbiter Mavens ruining Jinsy.
Thanks, Keith.
Woof! He wants to widen Fomm Lane and build a third runway at the dog track.
Thank you, Sandra.
And now this bridge.
Oooh! Bit lower.
You're saying this Edery Molt character can stop my bridge by simply raising a child's arrow covered in glitter? Jinsy law is a serious business.
Next you'll be saying I can be arrested for gargling in a wetsuit! That's a Level 12 offence! When did this take place? Let's deal with the arrow first.
Is there not anything I can do legally? Yes.
There is not anything you can do legally.
Unless you can persuade Mr Molt to drop the arrow.
Stay on the mat! You're dripping.
Daily greet, sir.
Daily greet.
What is it? Edery Molt's been talking about you again, sir.
I made a list.
Sporall, you've gone orange! - It's the wiring.
- He said you're a complete an absolute and you've got a couple of cabbages.
I'll have to go up.
Stay on the mat! What we need to do is build a psychological profile of him.
What have we found out? He lives in chalet 933, sir.
Mm What does that tell us? I haven't finished, sir.
He's an activist.
He campaigned against all that animal testing.
Hhh! Stop! (barking and meowing He's been talking about you a lot, sir.
He mentioned your nasal voice.
Your terrible dress sense.
Um the flecks of spit in the corner of your mouth.
He mentioned those.
But how do I persuade him to let me build my bridge? Freckly upper arms, neck flaps, and I added this because he forgot it - flabby white buttocks That's enough, Sporall.
You must be tired.
I've got more.
That smell in the morning, sir? I'm going to check on something back here Um let's go to someone else now.
Get my papers ready.
Okay now we've got, um, Mrs Voodray in chalet 539.
Er, Mrs Voodray, what have you got for sale? Yeah, I got a hairbrush for sale.
But it's got no bristles.
So it's a brush handle? It would suit someone who is either bald Bald.
Or someone who collects brush handles.
Right, how much do you want for it? I want three yellows.
Three yellows.
Or levitation lessons.
Lev Yeah, levitation.
But I only want the first few lessons because I've got a fear of heights.
Now we're going to go to Mr Tooshay, who's selling a hedge.
This is Jinsy! How long is this going to take? Don't worry, I'll have this finished as quick as you can say What's a really long word? Ridiculous! No, longer.
Move away.
Technically that's two words, but I'll let you hyphenate it Sporall? Something's been chewing the wires.
Pass me a screwdriver.
Now I need a flat-headed bugle.
Actually, that's done it.
It's back on, Sporall! It was here in Snoggers Cavern that a profound event took place, which would change Edery Molt's life forever.
I was standing right here, when I heard a cry.
Fetty fetty fetty ping! A bat fluttered towards me.
I lashed out.
Aaagh! Aaagh! I knocked its head clean off.
I had killed one of Jinsy's rarest creatures, an ool bat.
I would give anything anything to find another Ool bat! That looks like Geoff.
What? Geoff.
Well, that's what I call him.
Funny hairy little fella.
Lives up in the attic.
I've been feeding him for weeks.
Why do you call him Geoff?! I don't know.
He just looked like a Geoff.
- Fetty fetty fetty ping! - He's very friendly, as long as you don't Aagh! .
touch him.
Agh! Get off me! My God, are you alright? No, it's got my finger! Not you, GEOFF! If only we could find an ool bat.
And now it's time for Sandy's Choice.
A talent competition judged by a dog.
And her eyebrows met in the middle like two caterpillars fornicating.
Hang on.
Have you come about the guttering? I've got leaks everywhere.
When it rains I have to sit here and catch the water in my mouth like this.
Drip, drip, drip.
Then I spit it in a bucket, like this.
Drip, drip, drip.
It's relentless.
It really distracts me from my work.
Actually, I've been invited here for my dinner.
Go in.
What was I saying? Yes.
Two eyebrows fornicating.
I was going to ask.
Yeah? How are the kids? They're grown up.
Darren's gone off to college.
What's he doing there? Sitting on the roof, really.
What's he studying? The air vent, mainly.
Trying to work out how to get into the kitchen.
My eldest has just had her beak pierced.
Ooh! That's a cry for help, isn't it? It was.
She swallowed a fish hook.
Awk! Awk! I'm quite nervous.
I've never had a dinner party before.
- I tried once.
- I had to leave because other people were eating.
How come he doesn't bite you? Mr Geoff Prossard only eats vermin.
Thanks! Why do you call it Geoff Prossard? I don't know! He just looks like a Geoff Prossard.
Sporall, I see you've got your waiter's outfit.
It's just a cloth.
I mean that horrible fake tan.
You look like one of those oily table boys at Big Pete's Meaty Grill.
Now, keep the bat out of the way till the end of the meal.
I want to surprise him.
Mr Mavin, where do you want the salt cellar? In the middle! OK.
Just pre-dicing these man lemons! Kikka! Do you know how to cook this natro twigarian food? I can cook anyfing, mate.
I invented the soup of many faces, the triple sausage! Bakka! Bakka! What's the triple sausage? You take three sausages, right? You put one on top of the other.
Triple sausage! It's kikka! Pow! Pow pow! Mr Molt, how wonderful to see you.
This is the tower.
I see you've got the Glamorous Arrow with you.
I hope you haven't just invited me here to try to get me to change my mind.
No, it's all water under the unfinished bridge.
What? Come through.
These are chairs.
That's floorboards.
As we all know, gassy pockets are thinning all over the island at the rate of 12 theritsons per cycle.
Known as the Comb-Over Effect, gases are rising like this.
Now, I propose we build a dome, covering the entire island, like this.
Of course, the actual dome won't look anything like this.
It'll look more like this.
Twig talk.
That's how they communicate.
Chip us off some salt, old fella.
Now, my plans for a mobile otter sanctuary.
Chewing! Yakking! Bits in their teeth.
It's so nice to see Mr Mavin enjoying himself.
I've never seen him look so relaxed.
An escape hatch in the event of fire.
The infestation of rats at Troughs Restaurant has been traced to Mr Rootchet's Barn.
The rodents are part of a new scheme to be introduced this wilter, in which they will be placed within the walls of chalets to act as live wall cavity insulation.
Rats can provide an extra thermodynamic pelt layer to chalets, increasing heat retention by 3 or 4, with slightly plumper rats.
The rats are provided with toys and sports equipment to keep them sweaty.
Or, for a relaxing alternative, an ambient wall of sound can be achieved with a variety of musical and percussive instruments.
Wall Rats can power lightbulbs, a bread burner, a pair of ladies' leg straighteners.
But not at the same time.
Feminist agitators, the Island Singers, have spoken out against the cruelty of the rat scheme, in the form of a song.
My carbon footprint is so small, that I have to wear children's shoes.
I can't take much more of this.
I can't stand eating with other people.
But you're not even at the same table.
Bring in the main course.
There's that wretched fly again! Our thoughts go out to all his maggots at this sad time.
Wait! I think he moved! Dinner is served.
Element report for Freezeday, the 14th of Words in me mouth! Make me seem good weather! But I know it's not real.
Thunder! Ooh! Dirty shocker! Hail! Ouch! Whoosh, whoosh, bang! What the feck's that? It's just up.
Ha ha ha! Baaaaaaad! Right, well, I'd better get these two back to their nest.
The squirrels the trunk downstairs don't like them coming in late.
Before you go, Mr Molt, I have a little surprise for you.
It's time I told you the real reason I invited you here tonight.
Where's the bat? Fetty fetty fetty ping! Geoff? Geoff! You've put - Out! You've put - Service! Move it! Now! Quicker! Mr Molt, you are about to see something you thought you'd never see again.
Not the Dolson Twins doing naked cartwheels?! It gives me great pleasure to present to you, your very own head of an ool bat on a bed of What is that? Souffle? Would you like some? Maybe with some cream? It's very nice nice if you ignore the little severed head.
Yum yum yum! Yum yum yum! Geoff! You murderer! Fetty fetty fetty ping! Are we sure it's dead? No! Don't eat that! The ool bat is incredibly poisonous! - It's a slow - Orangey death.
Where's its little body? It was in the stew.
Coffees? Liqueurs? We've eaten an ool bat! Were going to die! Wait! There is one antidote.
I'm feeling so much better.
Almost back to normal.
Mouse, sir? No, not for me.
Right, here we are.
The Fourth Wonder of Jinsy.
No, you have to go the mucky way round.
From now on, I shall have lovely clean shoes! Rex, Rex That's not Rex, I'M Rex! Well, who's that then? I don't know.
Frank? No, I'm Frank!