This is Jinsy (2010) s01e07 Episode Script
Zoop
(GRUNTS) Trince, we're going to solve this pig postage problem if it takes all night.
And it will.
There's been nothing but wrong deliveries all week! Don't you think using pigs to deliver post is a bit old fashioned? Pigs are what make Jinsy Jinsy! They're what makes Jinsy stink.
Sporall, where are you sneaking off to? The Moosic Tavern, sir, with Soosan.
I'm going with you, not 'with' you.
It's not a date.
It's not a date.
What've you got on your feet? Smug shoes.
They change colour depending on how happy you are.
Watch.
(LAUGHS) See.
What's the point? I dunno but everyone's wearing them.
Well, I'm not.
Trince isn't.
I am.
I don't want to look like a fuddy duddy.
(LAUGHS) That's fine then, you all just go off and have your fun.
I'll stay here and single-handedly resolve this pig perambulation problem.
Shall I bring us back something for later? Like some milk? A couple of sausages? What? 'You've got no friends, friends, friends ' 'You're behind the times, the times, the times ' Sporall! Sorry, sir, I thought I'd come back and speak into this vase.
See you later later Stop! "Residents of Jinsy! Stand by your tessellators.
" "Now is the time to sing!" "Sing! Sing!" "(COUGHS)" "Attention all residents!" "There is an outbreak of Clut Fever in the upper parishes.
" "No islander is safe.
" "Clut is caused by caressing the handles of other people's handbags, attache cases or pipe pouches.
" "Infected handles must be smeared with brown sauce which contains roff oxide, a Clut-eating parasite.
" Clut fever starts with a darkening of the nostrils, then develops into a compulsion to sit where there are no chairs.
" and bring a cushion for the cart ride home.
" 'I don't want to look like a fuddy duddy, fuddy duddy.
' 'You're behind the times, the times, the times.
' It's great to be out with you.
I'm with you but I'm not 'with' you.
(ALL LAUGH) Mr Maven? What are you doing here? You look amazing.
I think.
Just taking in the latest trends, as I'm so clearly behind the times.
Now, where can I get a schooner of sherry? Who are these people? They're called Mool Perpya, sir.
I don't remember their name on the official Live Music In Public Places Register.
I don't think they're on the register, sir.
What?! I made a cake of your face It didn't take me long to bake Raisins for your eyeballs, icing on your temples Face cake, face cake Face cake, face cake Face cake I made a cake of your face It didn't take me long to bake Nostrils made of pastry Very, very, very tasty Face cake, face cake Face cake, face cake Face cake, face cake Face cake face-cake, face-cake Face cake face-cake, face-cake Face cake face-cake, face-cake Face cake, face cake face-cake, face-cake Face cake Cake cake cake cake cake (REPEATS This is an outrage! Stop it! Stop the music! This is an insult to taste and decency! So are your trousers?! Sir.
This so called, 'music act' are performing illegally.
Under sub-section 8 of the Ear Protection Charter of 1530 va-va, I ban Mool Perpya from any future performances.
(ALL PROTEST) Who threw that? Will you sign this? Hey, RabbettBoy?! Will you sign this? I can't believe I'm here with you.
You're with me but you're not really 'with' me.
Sporall? What are you doing with that on? I'm the drummer.
But you wear beige.
But inside, I'm a little wicker rabbit.
Sporall, you repulse me.
I'm attracted to you because you're a drummer.
You repulse me.
I'll have to make my mind up.
Right.
I'll come with you.
Only if you keep the mask on.
You join us in the bedding department for the second round of the Over-Sixties Undercover Clothes Swap.
Clonty, your thoughts on this team? What's outstremely extounding is that Deritt Pomm and Theelia Shoof have spent more time under covers than any couple.
33 seasons! Deritt's dexterity at slipping into women's clothing is unparalleled.
He plays with the Dolson Twins for occasional away games.
His experience means he has complete mastery of the acrylic-mix panty.
Today's conditions, Clonty? Eczema for Deritt and a recurring knee problem for Theelia.
I have to stop you.
The covers are on.
They've already flipped! Yes.
Theelia now on top.
Brings back memories of last year.
How is Dorothy? There's still problems.
Let's have a look at the bedcam.
News just in, the Veen team have been disqualified for use of zips and slip-ons! No surprise after they failed the Velcro test.
That's it! Sheets are off! The referee's frisking them.
Oh, and it's a foot fault! Only one cork wedge in chestnut suede.
Disappointing.
I believe we're going over to another swap, Clonty.
Yes.
Live to Hoofan.
Merty Rooj and Googery Kifthoft are making their debut appearance.
This should be interesting.
Should be.
Should be.
Should be.
"Anyone who knows the true identity of mystery singer the Zoop, should report to the Snitch hut immediately.
" "By order of Arbiter Maven.
(CLEARS THROAT)" Morning, Mr Maven.
Going somewhere nice? Hardly.
The post office.
To sort out these erroneous deliveries.
Have you had anything you weren't expecting, Mrs Goadion? Oh, yes.
There was that time a very large dog wandered into my bedroom.
I was awoken by a massive tongue licking me all over.
It was an hour before they could get him off me.
I just wouldn't let go.
Come on.
An orange toilet set, a shower curtain, a tin of blue boot polish and a raffia plant pot! Ring any bells, Mrs Oon? Cos I've had five of them incorrectly delivered as well.
What is wrong with your pigs? Sorry, dear, I'm a bit deaf.
(BELL RINGS) Oh, excuse me.
Another customer.
Where do you want it sent? Mrs Pedvin.
I'll grab her smell.
(GRUNTING) Mrs Pedvin? There she is.
Is this her? Oh yeah, that's Mrs Pedvin.
A base note of cabbage with just a hint of antiseptic.
That's her.
Off you go, Rebetta.
She's normally quite quick, unless she passes Mr Rootchet's stud farm, in which case she could be gone for weeks.
Dirty sow.
That'll be three yellows, dear.
Which service? What? Trot and drop? Truffle express? Or just the standard fat stinker? I'm waiting to see Mrs Oon.
Oh, so you're an aficionado of those wicker reprobates, are you? What? Mool Perpya! What's this? Mool Perpya tonight at Doker's Quarry.
How can they be playing tonight when I've officially banned them? Is that a bit of wicker in your hair? No! It's from the pigs' baskets.
You're that Zoop character, aren't you? Give those to me.
Sporall, get rid of these.
You seem rather anxious, Mr Maven.
No.
I'm fine.
Why don't you have some of my lovely homemade soup? It's something and apricot.
I'll deal with this.
Then we can sort out all your little problems.
I won't take no for an answer.
I've got my own spoon, thank you.
And some for my little flabby darlings.
(GRUNTS) Right, Sporall, are we ready? I'll just get my hat.
Right.
That's me ready.
Let's go and boil some ear holes.
Face cake .
Mrs Oon? Who put the corners in this room? They're perfectly placed! (MUSIC PLAYS) The colours on your tessellator are so-o-o vivid.
"Hello, Jenta!" Ooh, Gertle! You made me jump! Although it could be static from this new carpet.
That's nice! What's the pattern? My elbow.
You've been to Moostrons Carpet Tile Maker and had your elbow printed onto carpet tiles? Yes! They can create a convincing synthi weave of virtually any body part.
We've got Adrian's ankles all the way up the stairs I won't ask what's in the bedroom! Why not? It might be your Walk on your face.
Dance on your knees.
Anything's possible with Moostrons body-print carpet tiles.
Use me, use me.
Urrrr.
It's only for weather purposes.
Softy, softy my cormorant.
Garew, garew, garew.
Tether my mirking troy with seedless doubt.
Crunchy biscuit for breakfast.
Bad.
Reel me hookstones.
Reel me hookstones.
Tiddly bits ahoy.
Cluttering the basset pipes.
Reel me hookstones.
reel me hookstones.
Tiddly bits ahoy.
Cluttering the basset pipe.
Reel me hookstones, reel me hookstones.
Tiddly bits ahoy.
Cluttering the basset pipe.
Ooooh.
Grooming the cloud hawks.
Oooh.
I'm now trying to ride it.
Clop, clop, clop, clop, clop, clop, clop, clop.
"And now a programme about the making of door stops.
" Why do they have to stop doors? Why can't they let doors do what they want? Give them some freedom.
They're already held back by hinges.
It's so sad.
Hello.
Has anybody ever told you, you've got a beautiful smile? Mrs Oon? You haven't got any more of your soup, have you? Bit peckish.
"Mrs Oon's good soup is now available.
" "It's something and apricot.
" Woooooo! Mool Perpya.
I want you to go out there and thrack their crunt organs with such a massive splash of sound cream they won't know their natty glands from their nadgers! This way.
Want some help up the steps? No, I'm fine, luvvy.
I've had me soup.
What key is Tiny Pony in again? Gee-Gee minor.
You there! Take me to Mummy.
(GRUNTS) Oh, RabbettBoy! See ya later, blue eyes.
Ow! Good luck! Ink on my friend! Ink on my friend! She likes flicking Ink on my friend Ink on my friend She likes flicking Ink on my friend Ink on my friend She likes flicking Gentlemals and ladyfems, on keyboards - Sandorella! Hello, trees! Hello, sky! You're much bigger than yesterday.
Hello, officer! On ear trumpet - Little Pete! Ink on my friend! Ink on my friend! She likes flicking Ink on my friend Ink on my friend I'm going to change my outfit.
All right.
Go and find Mummy.
(CROWD CHANT ZOOP!) Soup? Yes, I must have some more soup! Sing! Yes! Why not? (SINGS LIKE DAVID BOWIE) We've been living on the soup of the gods We've been nibbling the breadstick of forgotten love Cream of tomato of the soul The spoon of our desire left there naked in my bowl The soup of the gods We've been living on the soup of the gods But we didn't heat it up sufficiently It didn't taste of much We've been living on the soup of the gods We've been living on the soup of the gods We've been living on the soup of the gods That's why I always eat toast with my elbows.
Your anecdotes are so clever and so funny and work on so many different levels.
I know.
I know.
But only with your mask on.
Give me more soup.
Did someone say soup? Mr Maven! The Zoop! Soup? Yes! Soup.
Hey, I thought you were with me?! You're just the drummer.
Look at you, you dark horse.
Do you know, I've never been this close to your nose before.
Can I lick it? I'm just going to climb inside my head for a bit.
(BOTH SQUAWK) Oh I had a great night last night.
Oh.
What were you doing? I was up on the cliff.
What were you doing there? You know.
Up on the cliff.
Rah! Oh.
Oh (LAUGHS) What? With a little puffin? I was afterwards.
(LAUGHS) (SQUAWKS) "(CHIMES)" "Is your chalet looking a bit drab?" Yeah, it is a bit.
Then come to Alan's Cave.
Look at this.
Be nice in front of the heater.
It would.
Oh, look at this.
It's gorgeous.
We'll even deliver straight to your chalet by dog cart.
That would be very handy.
Alan's Cave.
Everything under one roof.
Except roof tiles.
You know, Sporall, our lunchtimes have really perked up since you've been bringing in your flask of soup.
Another wrong delivery, sir? No.
I ordered it in blue.
Thought it'd go well with my new Smirk shoes.
Smug shoes, sir.
(LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) They're not working.
Ha-ha-ha.
What's that? Your shoes.
They're laughing at you.
You're red.
That's the wrong way round! What am I going to do? I can't go round with laughing feet.
I'm meeting Mrs Tooter about her dead husband after lunch.
Put them on the chair and I'll stun them.
Wait a minute.
They do say Smirk shoes.
These are just cheap copies.
Where did you get these? I'm not paying 50 yellows for a pair of shoes.
The left one's blowing raspberries now, sir.
Do you want some more soup? Yes, please.
Come on, then.
O fare diddly well my Jinsy O We warm us by the fender I crack the steaming suber nut I twang my tiny bender (TWANG) Oh We've been living on the soup of the gods We've been nibbling the breadstick of forgotten love Cream of tomato of the soul
And it will.
There's been nothing but wrong deliveries all week! Don't you think using pigs to deliver post is a bit old fashioned? Pigs are what make Jinsy Jinsy! They're what makes Jinsy stink.
Sporall, where are you sneaking off to? The Moosic Tavern, sir, with Soosan.
I'm going with you, not 'with' you.
It's not a date.
It's not a date.
What've you got on your feet? Smug shoes.
They change colour depending on how happy you are.
Watch.
(LAUGHS) See.
What's the point? I dunno but everyone's wearing them.
Well, I'm not.
Trince isn't.
I am.
I don't want to look like a fuddy duddy.
(LAUGHS) That's fine then, you all just go off and have your fun.
I'll stay here and single-handedly resolve this pig perambulation problem.
Shall I bring us back something for later? Like some milk? A couple of sausages? What? 'You've got no friends, friends, friends ' 'You're behind the times, the times, the times ' Sporall! Sorry, sir, I thought I'd come back and speak into this vase.
See you later later Stop! "Residents of Jinsy! Stand by your tessellators.
" "Now is the time to sing!" "Sing! Sing!" "(COUGHS)" "Attention all residents!" "There is an outbreak of Clut Fever in the upper parishes.
" "No islander is safe.
" "Clut is caused by caressing the handles of other people's handbags, attache cases or pipe pouches.
" "Infected handles must be smeared with brown sauce which contains roff oxide, a Clut-eating parasite.
" Clut fever starts with a darkening of the nostrils, then develops into a compulsion to sit where there are no chairs.
" and bring a cushion for the cart ride home.
" 'I don't want to look like a fuddy duddy, fuddy duddy.
' 'You're behind the times, the times, the times.
' It's great to be out with you.
I'm with you but I'm not 'with' you.
(ALL LAUGH) Mr Maven? What are you doing here? You look amazing.
I think.
Just taking in the latest trends, as I'm so clearly behind the times.
Now, where can I get a schooner of sherry? Who are these people? They're called Mool Perpya, sir.
I don't remember their name on the official Live Music In Public Places Register.
I don't think they're on the register, sir.
What?! I made a cake of your face It didn't take me long to bake Raisins for your eyeballs, icing on your temples Face cake, face cake Face cake, face cake Face cake I made a cake of your face It didn't take me long to bake Nostrils made of pastry Very, very, very tasty Face cake, face cake Face cake, face cake Face cake, face cake Face cake face-cake, face-cake Face cake face-cake, face-cake Face cake face-cake, face-cake Face cake, face cake face-cake, face-cake Face cake Cake cake cake cake cake (REPEATS This is an outrage! Stop it! Stop the music! This is an insult to taste and decency! So are your trousers?! Sir.
This so called, 'music act' are performing illegally.
Under sub-section 8 of the Ear Protection Charter of 1530 va-va, I ban Mool Perpya from any future performances.
(ALL PROTEST) Who threw that? Will you sign this? Hey, RabbettBoy?! Will you sign this? I can't believe I'm here with you.
You're with me but you're not really 'with' me.
Sporall? What are you doing with that on? I'm the drummer.
But you wear beige.
But inside, I'm a little wicker rabbit.
Sporall, you repulse me.
I'm attracted to you because you're a drummer.
You repulse me.
I'll have to make my mind up.
Right.
I'll come with you.
Only if you keep the mask on.
You join us in the bedding department for the second round of the Over-Sixties Undercover Clothes Swap.
Clonty, your thoughts on this team? What's outstremely extounding is that Deritt Pomm and Theelia Shoof have spent more time under covers than any couple.
33 seasons! Deritt's dexterity at slipping into women's clothing is unparalleled.
He plays with the Dolson Twins for occasional away games.
His experience means he has complete mastery of the acrylic-mix panty.
Today's conditions, Clonty? Eczema for Deritt and a recurring knee problem for Theelia.
I have to stop you.
The covers are on.
They've already flipped! Yes.
Theelia now on top.
Brings back memories of last year.
How is Dorothy? There's still problems.
Let's have a look at the bedcam.
News just in, the Veen team have been disqualified for use of zips and slip-ons! No surprise after they failed the Velcro test.
That's it! Sheets are off! The referee's frisking them.
Oh, and it's a foot fault! Only one cork wedge in chestnut suede.
Disappointing.
I believe we're going over to another swap, Clonty.
Yes.
Live to Hoofan.
Merty Rooj and Googery Kifthoft are making their debut appearance.
This should be interesting.
Should be.
Should be.
Should be.
"Anyone who knows the true identity of mystery singer the Zoop, should report to the Snitch hut immediately.
" "By order of Arbiter Maven.
(CLEARS THROAT)" Morning, Mr Maven.
Going somewhere nice? Hardly.
The post office.
To sort out these erroneous deliveries.
Have you had anything you weren't expecting, Mrs Goadion? Oh, yes.
There was that time a very large dog wandered into my bedroom.
I was awoken by a massive tongue licking me all over.
It was an hour before they could get him off me.
I just wouldn't let go.
Come on.
An orange toilet set, a shower curtain, a tin of blue boot polish and a raffia plant pot! Ring any bells, Mrs Oon? Cos I've had five of them incorrectly delivered as well.
What is wrong with your pigs? Sorry, dear, I'm a bit deaf.
(BELL RINGS) Oh, excuse me.
Another customer.
Where do you want it sent? Mrs Pedvin.
I'll grab her smell.
(GRUNTING) Mrs Pedvin? There she is.
Is this her? Oh yeah, that's Mrs Pedvin.
A base note of cabbage with just a hint of antiseptic.
That's her.
Off you go, Rebetta.
She's normally quite quick, unless she passes Mr Rootchet's stud farm, in which case she could be gone for weeks.
Dirty sow.
That'll be three yellows, dear.
Which service? What? Trot and drop? Truffle express? Or just the standard fat stinker? I'm waiting to see Mrs Oon.
Oh, so you're an aficionado of those wicker reprobates, are you? What? Mool Perpya! What's this? Mool Perpya tonight at Doker's Quarry.
How can they be playing tonight when I've officially banned them? Is that a bit of wicker in your hair? No! It's from the pigs' baskets.
You're that Zoop character, aren't you? Give those to me.
Sporall, get rid of these.
You seem rather anxious, Mr Maven.
No.
I'm fine.
Why don't you have some of my lovely homemade soup? It's something and apricot.
I'll deal with this.
Then we can sort out all your little problems.
I won't take no for an answer.
I've got my own spoon, thank you.
And some for my little flabby darlings.
(GRUNTS) Right, Sporall, are we ready? I'll just get my hat.
Right.
That's me ready.
Let's go and boil some ear holes.
Face cake .
Mrs Oon? Who put the corners in this room? They're perfectly placed! (MUSIC PLAYS) The colours on your tessellator are so-o-o vivid.
"Hello, Jenta!" Ooh, Gertle! You made me jump! Although it could be static from this new carpet.
That's nice! What's the pattern? My elbow.
You've been to Moostrons Carpet Tile Maker and had your elbow printed onto carpet tiles? Yes! They can create a convincing synthi weave of virtually any body part.
We've got Adrian's ankles all the way up the stairs I won't ask what's in the bedroom! Why not? It might be your Walk on your face.
Dance on your knees.
Anything's possible with Moostrons body-print carpet tiles.
Use me, use me.
Urrrr.
It's only for weather purposes.
Softy, softy my cormorant.
Garew, garew, garew.
Tether my mirking troy with seedless doubt.
Crunchy biscuit for breakfast.
Bad.
Reel me hookstones.
Reel me hookstones.
Tiddly bits ahoy.
Cluttering the basset pipes.
Reel me hookstones.
reel me hookstones.
Tiddly bits ahoy.
Cluttering the basset pipe.
Reel me hookstones, reel me hookstones.
Tiddly bits ahoy.
Cluttering the basset pipe.
Ooooh.
Grooming the cloud hawks.
Oooh.
I'm now trying to ride it.
Clop, clop, clop, clop, clop, clop, clop, clop.
"And now a programme about the making of door stops.
" Why do they have to stop doors? Why can't they let doors do what they want? Give them some freedom.
They're already held back by hinges.
It's so sad.
Hello.
Has anybody ever told you, you've got a beautiful smile? Mrs Oon? You haven't got any more of your soup, have you? Bit peckish.
"Mrs Oon's good soup is now available.
" "It's something and apricot.
" Woooooo! Mool Perpya.
I want you to go out there and thrack their crunt organs with such a massive splash of sound cream they won't know their natty glands from their nadgers! This way.
Want some help up the steps? No, I'm fine, luvvy.
I've had me soup.
What key is Tiny Pony in again? Gee-Gee minor.
You there! Take me to Mummy.
(GRUNTS) Oh, RabbettBoy! See ya later, blue eyes.
Ow! Good luck! Ink on my friend! Ink on my friend! She likes flicking Ink on my friend Ink on my friend She likes flicking Ink on my friend Ink on my friend She likes flicking Gentlemals and ladyfems, on keyboards - Sandorella! Hello, trees! Hello, sky! You're much bigger than yesterday.
Hello, officer! On ear trumpet - Little Pete! Ink on my friend! Ink on my friend! She likes flicking Ink on my friend Ink on my friend I'm going to change my outfit.
All right.
Go and find Mummy.
(CROWD CHANT ZOOP!) Soup? Yes, I must have some more soup! Sing! Yes! Why not? (SINGS LIKE DAVID BOWIE) We've been living on the soup of the gods We've been nibbling the breadstick of forgotten love Cream of tomato of the soul The spoon of our desire left there naked in my bowl The soup of the gods We've been living on the soup of the gods But we didn't heat it up sufficiently It didn't taste of much We've been living on the soup of the gods We've been living on the soup of the gods We've been living on the soup of the gods That's why I always eat toast with my elbows.
Your anecdotes are so clever and so funny and work on so many different levels.
I know.
I know.
But only with your mask on.
Give me more soup.
Did someone say soup? Mr Maven! The Zoop! Soup? Yes! Soup.
Hey, I thought you were with me?! You're just the drummer.
Look at you, you dark horse.
Do you know, I've never been this close to your nose before.
Can I lick it? I'm just going to climb inside my head for a bit.
(BOTH SQUAWK) Oh I had a great night last night.
Oh.
What were you doing? I was up on the cliff.
What were you doing there? You know.
Up on the cliff.
Rah! Oh.
Oh (LAUGHS) What? With a little puffin? I was afterwards.
(LAUGHS) (SQUAWKS) "(CHIMES)" "Is your chalet looking a bit drab?" Yeah, it is a bit.
Then come to Alan's Cave.
Look at this.
Be nice in front of the heater.
It would.
Oh, look at this.
It's gorgeous.
We'll even deliver straight to your chalet by dog cart.
That would be very handy.
Alan's Cave.
Everything under one roof.
Except roof tiles.
You know, Sporall, our lunchtimes have really perked up since you've been bringing in your flask of soup.
Another wrong delivery, sir? No.
I ordered it in blue.
Thought it'd go well with my new Smirk shoes.
Smug shoes, sir.
(LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) They're not working.
Ha-ha-ha.
What's that? Your shoes.
They're laughing at you.
You're red.
That's the wrong way round! What am I going to do? I can't go round with laughing feet.
I'm meeting Mrs Tooter about her dead husband after lunch.
Put them on the chair and I'll stun them.
Wait a minute.
They do say Smirk shoes.
These are just cheap copies.
Where did you get these? I'm not paying 50 yellows for a pair of shoes.
The left one's blowing raspberries now, sir.
Do you want some more soup? Yes, please.
Come on, then.
O fare diddly well my Jinsy O We warm us by the fender I crack the steaming suber nut I twang my tiny bender (TWANG) Oh We've been living on the soup of the gods We've been nibbling the breadstick of forgotten love Cream of tomato of the soul