This Way Up (2019) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1 - And there's your receipt.
- Thank you.
It just Erm Right.
So, erm Do we, do we just go, or do you do a bit of a speech, or what happens now? Well, we're sad to see Aine go.
We've loved having you here.
Oh God, I've had the time of my life, I hope to come back as often as my schedule allows I'm sorry you didn't have a great time.
No, I didn't expect it to be a great time, Teresa, I'm not stupid, - I just, it's a lot of Shona's money - Don't worry about it.
No, I'm just saying cos I think the facilities could have been nicer, - like the website shows.
- Yeah, I know.
In fairness to Aine, when I booked her in, - the website did make it look like there was a jacuzzi - Yeah.
And the jacuzzi was half how I convinced her to come here in the first place! - Yeah! - You know, cos I said, you know - at the worst, if she came, at least there'd be a jacuzzi.
- Yeah.
Of course, as it turned out, it's just a picture of a - Duck pond.
- Duck pond.
- Yeah.
- Which But, like I said, this is not a spa, it's a rehab facility, - so we plough our money into care and therapists.
- Yeah, I know, - but I just don't see how a jacuzzi - Or a plunge pool.
.
.
would be a bad thing for people who just needed a bit of a boost.
Mm-hm.
Come on, Sho, it doesn't matter.
So, any other feedback, before you head off? Why are you saying it like that? Why are you saying "feedback" like that? All businesses should appreciate feedback, OK? I'm in business, I love feedback.
- And yeah, I do, actually, and don't take it the wrong way - Oh, just leave it, Sho.
- Just on e second.
Also on your website, you say you get all sorts of people here.
But Aine tells me, when they were having the group therapy sessions, - they mainly dealt with addiction and not with - Nervous breakdown? Oh, is that what I fall under? - I thought it was mostly Bs, creative type.
- Don't be sarky! - I'm not, I'm being sassy! - I'm gonna punch your face in a minute.
I actually have some practical feedback.
- Oh, good.
- Just as regards snacks.
So I was thinking, mini-bars I'm actually being serious, Teresa! Because one day, when I was really low, I would've happily paid double the recommended retail price to eat a Kit Kat without everyone gawping at me.
And ideally, in a fucking jacuzzi.
I'm sorry for cursing there.
That's OK.
Erm, can I have the - car keys? - Mm.
Erm Yeah.
Thanks, er, for everything, Teresa.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
Oi, oi! Take me with ya! Is she, um Is she fixed? It's just, I didn't really see this coming, so I can see you guys are close, yeah? Yeah, well, she's my only sister.
Or brother, or I know this must have been a shock.
Cos with someone like Aine, we try and get them back to a place where they can care about themselves enough to take care of themselves.
When she got here, she could hardly open her eyes, and now she's complaining about Kit Kats.
She's made of hardy stuff.
OK.
- Yeah? - All right.
Cool, thank you for that.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Oh, and, um I mean, that's kind of what I meant.
Earlier.
You know, when I said about a speech, what you just did.
So, I don't know, next time I mean, this is feedback.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Right, guys, OK.
This should be easy by now, OK? The family.
We all know that Kourtney is the Eldest.
Very good, yes.
But Kim is the - Second eldest.
- Second eldest, very good.
But after that, then we have Khloe.
- Khloe is the - Middle.
Middle, Mo! Yes, fantastic! Now, she was -- past tense -- WAS the youngest.
Until along came - Kendall and Kylie.
- Kendall and Kylie.
And they are the daughters The daughters of - Kris.
- Kris! Yes, very good.
Give me a high five -- lovely.
Now, Kris, who is the - Mother.
- Mother! Welcome, Victor! Hello! Yes -- mother.
Fantastic.
OK, so they are the daughters of Kris and Caitlyn.
Also the mother.
.
.
Is Caitlyn Jenner, the mother.
Eh I don't think that she is the mother She's Caitlyn? She is Caitlyn.
Exactly.
And that ends that chat.
I love this TV Friday.
Oh, yeah.
And who doesn't love the Kardashians? No, that was a rhetorical, not a real question.
So you can put your hands down.
Uh, in Romania, I see Kardashians all the time.
I have big TV.
Oh! But here, Sky TV, a lot money.
Only laptop, or BBC.
So Sky TV costs You getting this down, on your thing? Costs too much money.
Mm-hm.
Rent costs too much money.
Yes, rent costs too much money.
And guys, listen.
I know it can be tough.
It can be tough.
But you know what? Love costs nothing! - Aw! - Aw! Love costs zero pounds.
And I love you.
And we love you! Ah, stop it, you're breaking my heart! Right, fill out all of those worksheets by Monday, though, or I will Brexit the lot of you.
It's the weekend! Give yourselves a round of applause! It's the weekend! - Keeping it professional in here? - Yes, very much so.
Actually, Mo, can you take out those plugs, I spilled water all over the sockets.
So just be careful.
No, Mo, don't touch that socket if it's wet.
Aine I'm a-joking! It's one of my little jokes for you.
Hi, Emma, Aine here.
Just wondering what to bring for dinner tonight, I'm thinking pavlova or a bag of ketamine! I'm super-psyched to meet all your friends You are literally just texting me as I talk to you on the phone.
"Sophie being weird about people she doesn't know coming, "don't think I can bring you along any more" Oh, yeah, that is totally fine! Eh, I totally get that.
Um Eh Yeah, I had loads of other things to do anyways.
Yeah, I'll just eat the pavlova and ketamine myself.
Have a great night.
Bye! 'Hi, you've reached Shona's voicemail.
Leave a message.
' Uh, hello, Shona, it's me, Dr Morag Sporran from the STD clinic.
I'm ringing re your test results.
Unfortunately, confirming our worst fears, your fanny is rotten from the inside out.
So we're going to have to remove it.
Ah Hi, it's me.
What are you doing tonight? Ring back when you get this.
OK, bye! Archway Psychotherapy.
Hiya, yeah, could I speak to Helen, please? Are you a patient, or family? Um, patient.
I'm afraid she's not free right now.
Want to schedule a call for next week? Eh, could I just not speak to someone Helen, now? Just cos I've, erm.
I've just shoplifted a smoothie, so feeling a bit Actually, could I speak to Helen about this rather than you? I'm waiting schedule a call for next week.
No, cos I said What if I was about to kill myself? Are you? Would that get me through to Helen, if I said I was? No.
As I say, she's unavailable.
Thanks for nothing.
Bye.
- Hey.
- Hi, you OK? What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Stop flirting with me, Vish, you're my suster's boyfriend! Look, she is five minutes behind me, OK, so don't make her late.
Is that you, Aine? No, it's your elderly neighbour, Mildred! Psst! Hey! That is a sourdough I'm proving under a tea towel.
It is my little newborn.
So don't poke it.
I will not make her late and I will not poke your sourdough.
- Love you! - Bye.
- Please don't be late.
Hey, that homeless man out the front of your building's nice.
You get my voicemail? No, I got your text, what's wrong? Listen to it, it's really funny.
What do you mean, listen to it, I'm in a rush! You have that party tonight, the dinner party? Eh, no.
.
? Oh, no! Why, what happened? Oh, no, it's just turned into like a pub thing later.
Oh, that's more fun, probably.
- Yeah.
- Chance to meet new people.
- Mm-hm.
- Bruce reckons he makes £200 a day out there.
Who? "Who".
Homeless guy.
Don't eat that fruit salad! It's Vish's breakfast.
God, Vish is driving me nuts right now.
Just keeps alluding to moving in.
You know, but in a sneaky way, like, he makes his sourdough here.
He says the butter fits in his house.
Oh, that's so sneaky! Imagine loving you so much that he'd want you to live in his mahoosive house, rent-free? And anyway, if I move in, then what next? We'd either break up, or get married.
I wish you guys would get married so I can do my hilarious best man speech.
Honestly, my opening gag is mwah-mwah-mwah, mwah-mwah! - What's your opening gag? - Oh, I'm not going to tell you because I want the look on your face on the day to be real.
Right, well, I've no interest for marriage so you may as well tell me now.
Shona! Don't say that.
If you don't get married, I can't get married.
Because it's bad luck and unnatural for the younger sister to wed before the elder.
Stop talking about it now, cos I'm getting stressed.
Can you do my back? No, last time I did this, my hands were brown for two days! Just do it, it's wash-off! - What were you doing in Green Park the other night? Ow! - Shona! I'll unmatch you on Find My Phone if you don't stop stalking me, you're like a creepy uncle! I'm not stalking you, I'm just checking where you are so I can sleep at night.
What are you doing there? Can you do it a bit gentler, it's gonna smear.
I, er, I went for a walk.
10pm at night? Yes, after the cinema.
Oh, OK, who did you go to the cinema with? No one, who would I have to go to the cinema with? - Don't say that, that just makes me sad.
- Well, it's true, isn't it? I'll go to the cinema with you! What did you see? I saw a big porno with loads of young lads riding holes Look, just don't go walking around at night on your own, OK? It stresses me out -- you'll get raped or murdered.
- Chance would be a fine thing.
- Jesus - No, I know I shouldn't - Why would you say that? - So sorry, I shouldn't have said it, touch wood.
- Touch wood.
- Oh, Sho - What? You've just got a little spot, can I pop it? - No, you cannot pop it! - No, I don't want to, but what if someone sees your back tonight and vomits? Oh, Jesus, OK, then! - Ow, fucking hell! - Oh, God! Sorry.
That's disgusting.
Don't wipe it on my bedding! What, I wipe it on your back, then? OK, you can go now.
Thank you, master! Don't make me laugh, I'll sweat.
Are you OK? Oh my God, what are you wearing?! - What? - WHERE did you get that? Forever 21.
Well, that's a bit of fucking irony if I ever heard of it.
Oh, is it awful? I thought I looked kind of Wonder Woman-y.
Ah, no! It's just a bit - .
.
prostitute-y.
- Aine! - Shona! You've a sweatshop full of clothes, - why don't you wear something from that? - No, I don't.
And I look old and awful and I've nothing to wear.
What are you wearing under your cardigan? My black pleather mini.
Literally just help yourself to anything that's on there, OK? - Mm-hm.
- Except for the dry cleaning stuff.
Oh, and the white dress.
What time are you heading out? Oh, they're gonna text me soon.
Uh? Yeah, but I'll probably just scoot straight after you.
Are you OK? Yeah, I'm grand! Grand, yeah, course! - Cos you can come to this thing with me if you want.
- No, you're mad! You doughnut.
Imagine me at an event with all the suits.
Oh hey, listen, can I show you my thing? - Ah honey, I've got to - No, no, wait.
- Just wait a second.
Look at this.
- Show me.
I'm sorry, I'm not the most pretty I will never ever sing like Whitney Ooh ooh ooh So let's let all hearts bleed OK.
Yes, great, brilliant.
Very good! Go out, it's the weekend, have fun! Yes! I just wanna dance with somebody I just wanna dance with somebody I just wanna dance with somebody I just wanna dance with somebody It could be anybody Tell me are you that somebody? Don't matter who you are Just love me the way I are Oh, fuck, stop this Fuck's sake, Aine, why haven't you left yet? Shona? Oh hey, hi, Charlotte.
- You OK? - Yeah, sorry.
Distracted.
The way you looked at me, I thought I'd made an Irish name mistake.
Listen, I'll answer to any Irish name -- Siobhan - Saoirse? - Yeah, I mean, I've turned around for Seamus I'm glad you're here.
I thought I was gonna be the only womb present.
- Yeah, God, me too.
- You coming in? Erm Yeah.
God, I can smell the Lynx Africa already.
See, I knew Aine was gonna make you late! There they are, the power ladies of finance! Freddie! I knew you'd turn up for a night of free drink.
I just hope we can squeeze some juice out of these wealthy lemons! How's Aine, Sho? Yeah, she's absolutely fantastic.
Uh, hey, Sho, so we have one woman and three brown people up there out of 150, so it's like Christmas.
Sho and I have this favourite game where we drink a shot every time we see a brown person or a woman - working in finace.
- It's a shit drinking game, - cos you stay really sober.
- Does that make me a double threat? Yeah! So you'd be two tequilas.
And I'm, obviously, minus points.
Yeah, you are.
Right, well, let's get in there! See what juice we can squeeze out of these wealthy lemons! Oh my God, you already said that, mate.
- What's going on? - I just don't know where she She's gone home.
I don't know why she's gone home.
Getting changed, or something.
- What are you doing? - Just be here.
Be here, all right? She's fine.
She's with her friends, - making new friends - I am here! - Just chill.
I am.
I'll see you up What are you hanging out with Freddie for anyway, you Judas? Judas? He's part of the group! - Well, don't tell Aine.
- I won't tell Aine! I won't tell her how sexy her sister looks tonight.
- Ah, thanks, hon.
It's Aine's skirt.
- Ew.
- Oh, God, fucking Jesus.
- No, just me.
Hello, sunshine.
Hello.
My God, Bradley, where you off to? I'm just gonna go and meet Emma.
Sorry about all the laundry.
- Not doing it and stuff.
- Oh, God, that's so cute.
- What? Have you been to the gym? - Sorry, no, my sister took my skirt.
- Ah.
- So Yeah, OK, have fun.
Police! Open up! Ah! Oh no, I thought it was gonna be that stripper I ordered.
Hi! Hi! - Good to see you.
- Hi.
Yeah.
It's weird seeing you in the real world.
You look well out of tracksuit bottoms though.
- Been watching Queer Eye, haven't I? - I love it, I love it.
- Yeah? What do you reckon? - You look like a male model.
So erm you still drinking, then, yeah? Oh, yeah, yeah, but my problem wasn't that I was drinking, Tom.
It was that I was too much of a fucking legend! Anyway, will you take these over to the couch? Er, yeah, yeah, why not.
Young lady.
I got called a gay knobhead by my best friend.
For watching football with an orange juice.
You should just go and watch the football in Starbucks.
Oh yeah, shout "Who are ya? Who are ya? Who are ya?" over a mocha fucking latte! I never get that with "Who are ya?" It's like, "Who are ya?" Are you supposed to answer? Like, "I'm Aine.
" All right.
W-what's going on here? I know, they remind you of two lovely melons.
Oh, Jesus.
We shouldn't do this, Aine.
- What?! - You know we don't fancy each other.
No, I don't know that, no.
Look, you've got cracking boobs but Think what Theresa said.
- You know, one year of celibacy -- - Fuck celibacy! - Don't be silly.
- No, no, no! Don't you get it? I'm trying to fucking respect you here, you mug! God! Could you not have respected me after we had sex? Oh, come on, you know this is a bad idea.
Oh, God, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, I know, I know, I know, Tom.
But do you ever just wanna feel something for five fucking minutes? Course I do.
I just don't want us to set each other off or anything.
Shit.
They really are cracking boobs.
- I know.
- I'm sorry, babes.
I You're gonna thank me for this in the morning.
I will not thank you for this in the morning, Tom.
What? What's wrong? Do you wanna give it another go? No.
Th-the thing is The erm Is the trains.
Oh, Jesus on a stick! I always thought Vish was American.
Oh, God, no, he just spent ages in New York.
- Then a bit of time in Hong Kong.
- Thought I detected Hongkongese.
I'm so glad you're here.
I hate going out but it has given my cat a chance to miss me.
- I can't imagine you as a cat erm - La A cat lady? Is that what you're calling me? Unbelievable.
- Somewhere else you need to be? - Oh, shit, sorry, that's so rude.
No, my sister er I don't wanna bore you with my personal life.
Spent most of the day on my own eating noodles.
Yeah? Is that your cat's name? No, erm Freddie's actually my sister's ex.
Oh, God! Oh, my God.
You know Helen who we were talking to inside? - Yeah.
Bit of a dullard.
- She's my ex.
Is she? - So sorry.
Though in fairness - Yeah, she is a dullard.
Sorry if I made it awkward earlier but er I wasn't in the mood to pretend to like Freddie.
Ah, shit, Aine.
Erm Do you know what, I'm gonna have to skedaddle.
Sorry to leave you at the frat party on your own.
No, go, go, but can we hang out again? - Yeah.
- Is that uncool to ask? No, I'd love that.
We can bitch about everyone who isn't us.
- See you.
- See you.
Stop stalking me.
Don't go walking on your own in the park at night, Aine.
Come here.
I knew you weren't feeling right.
I'm grand.
And a crack addict just told me I looked thin so, you know - That's nice.
- Yeah.
Take it when you can get it.
- Did you leave the party early? - No, no.
It was over.
- Anyone interesting there? - No.
- Do you wanna see some dogs who look like celebrities? - Course.
So funny.
Wait till you see this.
- Look, that's Richard Gere.
- Oh, yeah! Yeah! - Geri Halliwell! - Yes! Geri Halliwell! Yeah! That lad I actually think looks like you.
That doesn't look like me, it's a fucking pug! Exactly, look at its short forehead.
That's Nicolas Cage! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! That's totally amazing.
Show me that again.
Oh, wow! That's brilliant.
I think I fancy that dog more than I fancy actual Nicolas Cage.
A guy has put out the job with his French kid.
- You speak French.
- Oui, monsieur.
Je parle un peu.
His mother died recently and I'm his legal guardian.
- His father? - Yeah.
Yeah.
That too.
Oh, my God! Jesus! Victor, what happened to you? - You have children, Aine? - Not that I know of.
- I'm such an idiot.
- Yeah.
No news there then.
- Eat my arse, Shona.
- You don't have any arse.
Come on We should be dancing We should be dancing Right On a jitterbug, chitty chitty bang-a-rang Body roll, bring it right back, it's a bommerang Tell me y'all simmer down, city life, getting wild Superstar, superstar, making pot, making smoke - Feeling pretty good for real - Yeah - Feeling pretty good for real - OK We ain't gotta worry, this is no big deal We ain't gotta worry, this is no big deal We should be dancing
- Thank you.
It just Erm Right.
So, erm Do we, do we just go, or do you do a bit of a speech, or what happens now? Well, we're sad to see Aine go.
We've loved having you here.
Oh God, I've had the time of my life, I hope to come back as often as my schedule allows I'm sorry you didn't have a great time.
No, I didn't expect it to be a great time, Teresa, I'm not stupid, - I just, it's a lot of Shona's money - Don't worry about it.
No, I'm just saying cos I think the facilities could have been nicer, - like the website shows.
- Yeah, I know.
In fairness to Aine, when I booked her in, - the website did make it look like there was a jacuzzi - Yeah.
And the jacuzzi was half how I convinced her to come here in the first place! - Yeah! - You know, cos I said, you know - at the worst, if she came, at least there'd be a jacuzzi.
- Yeah.
Of course, as it turned out, it's just a picture of a - Duck pond.
- Duck pond.
- Yeah.
- Which But, like I said, this is not a spa, it's a rehab facility, - so we plough our money into care and therapists.
- Yeah, I know, - but I just don't see how a jacuzzi - Or a plunge pool.
.
.
would be a bad thing for people who just needed a bit of a boost.
Mm-hm.
Come on, Sho, it doesn't matter.
So, any other feedback, before you head off? Why are you saying it like that? Why are you saying "feedback" like that? All businesses should appreciate feedback, OK? I'm in business, I love feedback.
- And yeah, I do, actually, and don't take it the wrong way - Oh, just leave it, Sho.
- Just on e second.
Also on your website, you say you get all sorts of people here.
But Aine tells me, when they were having the group therapy sessions, - they mainly dealt with addiction and not with - Nervous breakdown? Oh, is that what I fall under? - I thought it was mostly Bs, creative type.
- Don't be sarky! - I'm not, I'm being sassy! - I'm gonna punch your face in a minute.
I actually have some practical feedback.
- Oh, good.
- Just as regards snacks.
So I was thinking, mini-bars I'm actually being serious, Teresa! Because one day, when I was really low, I would've happily paid double the recommended retail price to eat a Kit Kat without everyone gawping at me.
And ideally, in a fucking jacuzzi.
I'm sorry for cursing there.
That's OK.
Erm, can I have the - car keys? - Mm.
Erm Yeah.
Thanks, er, for everything, Teresa.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
Oi, oi! Take me with ya! Is she, um Is she fixed? It's just, I didn't really see this coming, so I can see you guys are close, yeah? Yeah, well, she's my only sister.
Or brother, or I know this must have been a shock.
Cos with someone like Aine, we try and get them back to a place where they can care about themselves enough to take care of themselves.
When she got here, she could hardly open her eyes, and now she's complaining about Kit Kats.
She's made of hardy stuff.
OK.
- Yeah? - All right.
Cool, thank you for that.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Oh, and, um I mean, that's kind of what I meant.
Earlier.
You know, when I said about a speech, what you just did.
So, I don't know, next time I mean, this is feedback.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Right, guys, OK.
This should be easy by now, OK? The family.
We all know that Kourtney is the Eldest.
Very good, yes.
But Kim is the - Second eldest.
- Second eldest, very good.
But after that, then we have Khloe.
- Khloe is the - Middle.
Middle, Mo! Yes, fantastic! Now, she was -- past tense -- WAS the youngest.
Until along came - Kendall and Kylie.
- Kendall and Kylie.
And they are the daughters The daughters of - Kris.
- Kris! Yes, very good.
Give me a high five -- lovely.
Now, Kris, who is the - Mother.
- Mother! Welcome, Victor! Hello! Yes -- mother.
Fantastic.
OK, so they are the daughters of Kris and Caitlyn.
Also the mother.
.
.
Is Caitlyn Jenner, the mother.
Eh I don't think that she is the mother She's Caitlyn? She is Caitlyn.
Exactly.
And that ends that chat.
I love this TV Friday.
Oh, yeah.
And who doesn't love the Kardashians? No, that was a rhetorical, not a real question.
So you can put your hands down.
Uh, in Romania, I see Kardashians all the time.
I have big TV.
Oh! But here, Sky TV, a lot money.
Only laptop, or BBC.
So Sky TV costs You getting this down, on your thing? Costs too much money.
Mm-hm.
Rent costs too much money.
Yes, rent costs too much money.
And guys, listen.
I know it can be tough.
It can be tough.
But you know what? Love costs nothing! - Aw! - Aw! Love costs zero pounds.
And I love you.
And we love you! Ah, stop it, you're breaking my heart! Right, fill out all of those worksheets by Monday, though, or I will Brexit the lot of you.
It's the weekend! Give yourselves a round of applause! It's the weekend! - Keeping it professional in here? - Yes, very much so.
Actually, Mo, can you take out those plugs, I spilled water all over the sockets.
So just be careful.
No, Mo, don't touch that socket if it's wet.
Aine I'm a-joking! It's one of my little jokes for you.
Hi, Emma, Aine here.
Just wondering what to bring for dinner tonight, I'm thinking pavlova or a bag of ketamine! I'm super-psyched to meet all your friends You are literally just texting me as I talk to you on the phone.
"Sophie being weird about people she doesn't know coming, "don't think I can bring you along any more" Oh, yeah, that is totally fine! Eh, I totally get that.
Um Eh Yeah, I had loads of other things to do anyways.
Yeah, I'll just eat the pavlova and ketamine myself.
Have a great night.
Bye! 'Hi, you've reached Shona's voicemail.
Leave a message.
' Uh, hello, Shona, it's me, Dr Morag Sporran from the STD clinic.
I'm ringing re your test results.
Unfortunately, confirming our worst fears, your fanny is rotten from the inside out.
So we're going to have to remove it.
Ah Hi, it's me.
What are you doing tonight? Ring back when you get this.
OK, bye! Archway Psychotherapy.
Hiya, yeah, could I speak to Helen, please? Are you a patient, or family? Um, patient.
I'm afraid she's not free right now.
Want to schedule a call for next week? Eh, could I just not speak to someone Helen, now? Just cos I've, erm.
I've just shoplifted a smoothie, so feeling a bit Actually, could I speak to Helen about this rather than you? I'm waiting schedule a call for next week.
No, cos I said What if I was about to kill myself? Are you? Would that get me through to Helen, if I said I was? No.
As I say, she's unavailable.
Thanks for nothing.
Bye.
- Hey.
- Hi, you OK? What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Stop flirting with me, Vish, you're my suster's boyfriend! Look, she is five minutes behind me, OK, so don't make her late.
Is that you, Aine? No, it's your elderly neighbour, Mildred! Psst! Hey! That is a sourdough I'm proving under a tea towel.
It is my little newborn.
So don't poke it.
I will not make her late and I will not poke your sourdough.
- Love you! - Bye.
- Please don't be late.
Hey, that homeless man out the front of your building's nice.
You get my voicemail? No, I got your text, what's wrong? Listen to it, it's really funny.
What do you mean, listen to it, I'm in a rush! You have that party tonight, the dinner party? Eh, no.
.
? Oh, no! Why, what happened? Oh, no, it's just turned into like a pub thing later.
Oh, that's more fun, probably.
- Yeah.
- Chance to meet new people.
- Mm-hm.
- Bruce reckons he makes £200 a day out there.
Who? "Who".
Homeless guy.
Don't eat that fruit salad! It's Vish's breakfast.
God, Vish is driving me nuts right now.
Just keeps alluding to moving in.
You know, but in a sneaky way, like, he makes his sourdough here.
He says the butter fits in his house.
Oh, that's so sneaky! Imagine loving you so much that he'd want you to live in his mahoosive house, rent-free? And anyway, if I move in, then what next? We'd either break up, or get married.
I wish you guys would get married so I can do my hilarious best man speech.
Honestly, my opening gag is mwah-mwah-mwah, mwah-mwah! - What's your opening gag? - Oh, I'm not going to tell you because I want the look on your face on the day to be real.
Right, well, I've no interest for marriage so you may as well tell me now.
Shona! Don't say that.
If you don't get married, I can't get married.
Because it's bad luck and unnatural for the younger sister to wed before the elder.
Stop talking about it now, cos I'm getting stressed.
Can you do my back? No, last time I did this, my hands were brown for two days! Just do it, it's wash-off! - What were you doing in Green Park the other night? Ow! - Shona! I'll unmatch you on Find My Phone if you don't stop stalking me, you're like a creepy uncle! I'm not stalking you, I'm just checking where you are so I can sleep at night.
What are you doing there? Can you do it a bit gentler, it's gonna smear.
I, er, I went for a walk.
10pm at night? Yes, after the cinema.
Oh, OK, who did you go to the cinema with? No one, who would I have to go to the cinema with? - Don't say that, that just makes me sad.
- Well, it's true, isn't it? I'll go to the cinema with you! What did you see? I saw a big porno with loads of young lads riding holes Look, just don't go walking around at night on your own, OK? It stresses me out -- you'll get raped or murdered.
- Chance would be a fine thing.
- Jesus - No, I know I shouldn't - Why would you say that? - So sorry, I shouldn't have said it, touch wood.
- Touch wood.
- Oh, Sho - What? You've just got a little spot, can I pop it? - No, you cannot pop it! - No, I don't want to, but what if someone sees your back tonight and vomits? Oh, Jesus, OK, then! - Ow, fucking hell! - Oh, God! Sorry.
That's disgusting.
Don't wipe it on my bedding! What, I wipe it on your back, then? OK, you can go now.
Thank you, master! Don't make me laugh, I'll sweat.
Are you OK? Oh my God, what are you wearing?! - What? - WHERE did you get that? Forever 21.
Well, that's a bit of fucking irony if I ever heard of it.
Oh, is it awful? I thought I looked kind of Wonder Woman-y.
Ah, no! It's just a bit - .
.
prostitute-y.
- Aine! - Shona! You've a sweatshop full of clothes, - why don't you wear something from that? - No, I don't.
And I look old and awful and I've nothing to wear.
What are you wearing under your cardigan? My black pleather mini.
Literally just help yourself to anything that's on there, OK? - Mm-hm.
- Except for the dry cleaning stuff.
Oh, and the white dress.
What time are you heading out? Oh, they're gonna text me soon.
Uh? Yeah, but I'll probably just scoot straight after you.
Are you OK? Yeah, I'm grand! Grand, yeah, course! - Cos you can come to this thing with me if you want.
- No, you're mad! You doughnut.
Imagine me at an event with all the suits.
Oh hey, listen, can I show you my thing? - Ah honey, I've got to - No, no, wait.
- Just wait a second.
Look at this.
- Show me.
I'm sorry, I'm not the most pretty I will never ever sing like Whitney Ooh ooh ooh So let's let all hearts bleed OK.
Yes, great, brilliant.
Very good! Go out, it's the weekend, have fun! Yes! I just wanna dance with somebody I just wanna dance with somebody I just wanna dance with somebody I just wanna dance with somebody It could be anybody Tell me are you that somebody? Don't matter who you are Just love me the way I are Oh, fuck, stop this Fuck's sake, Aine, why haven't you left yet? Shona? Oh hey, hi, Charlotte.
- You OK? - Yeah, sorry.
Distracted.
The way you looked at me, I thought I'd made an Irish name mistake.
Listen, I'll answer to any Irish name -- Siobhan - Saoirse? - Yeah, I mean, I've turned around for Seamus I'm glad you're here.
I thought I was gonna be the only womb present.
- Yeah, God, me too.
- You coming in? Erm Yeah.
God, I can smell the Lynx Africa already.
See, I knew Aine was gonna make you late! There they are, the power ladies of finance! Freddie! I knew you'd turn up for a night of free drink.
I just hope we can squeeze some juice out of these wealthy lemons! How's Aine, Sho? Yeah, she's absolutely fantastic.
Uh, hey, Sho, so we have one woman and three brown people up there out of 150, so it's like Christmas.
Sho and I have this favourite game where we drink a shot every time we see a brown person or a woman - working in finace.
- It's a shit drinking game, - cos you stay really sober.
- Does that make me a double threat? Yeah! So you'd be two tequilas.
And I'm, obviously, minus points.
Yeah, you are.
Right, well, let's get in there! See what juice we can squeeze out of these wealthy lemons! Oh my God, you already said that, mate.
- What's going on? - I just don't know where she She's gone home.
I don't know why she's gone home.
Getting changed, or something.
- What are you doing? - Just be here.
Be here, all right? She's fine.
She's with her friends, - making new friends - I am here! - Just chill.
I am.
I'll see you up What are you hanging out with Freddie for anyway, you Judas? Judas? He's part of the group! - Well, don't tell Aine.
- I won't tell Aine! I won't tell her how sexy her sister looks tonight.
- Ah, thanks, hon.
It's Aine's skirt.
- Ew.
- Oh, God, fucking Jesus.
- No, just me.
Hello, sunshine.
Hello.
My God, Bradley, where you off to? I'm just gonna go and meet Emma.
Sorry about all the laundry.
- Not doing it and stuff.
- Oh, God, that's so cute.
- What? Have you been to the gym? - Sorry, no, my sister took my skirt.
- Ah.
- So Yeah, OK, have fun.
Police! Open up! Ah! Oh no, I thought it was gonna be that stripper I ordered.
Hi! Hi! - Good to see you.
- Hi.
Yeah.
It's weird seeing you in the real world.
You look well out of tracksuit bottoms though.
- Been watching Queer Eye, haven't I? - I love it, I love it.
- Yeah? What do you reckon? - You look like a male model.
So erm you still drinking, then, yeah? Oh, yeah, yeah, but my problem wasn't that I was drinking, Tom.
It was that I was too much of a fucking legend! Anyway, will you take these over to the couch? Er, yeah, yeah, why not.
Young lady.
I got called a gay knobhead by my best friend.
For watching football with an orange juice.
You should just go and watch the football in Starbucks.
Oh yeah, shout "Who are ya? Who are ya? Who are ya?" over a mocha fucking latte! I never get that with "Who are ya?" It's like, "Who are ya?" Are you supposed to answer? Like, "I'm Aine.
" All right.
W-what's going on here? I know, they remind you of two lovely melons.
Oh, Jesus.
We shouldn't do this, Aine.
- What?! - You know we don't fancy each other.
No, I don't know that, no.
Look, you've got cracking boobs but Think what Theresa said.
- You know, one year of celibacy -- - Fuck celibacy! - Don't be silly.
- No, no, no! Don't you get it? I'm trying to fucking respect you here, you mug! God! Could you not have respected me after we had sex? Oh, come on, you know this is a bad idea.
Oh, God, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, I know, I know, I know, Tom.
But do you ever just wanna feel something for five fucking minutes? Course I do.
I just don't want us to set each other off or anything.
Shit.
They really are cracking boobs.
- I know.
- I'm sorry, babes.
I You're gonna thank me for this in the morning.
I will not thank you for this in the morning, Tom.
What? What's wrong? Do you wanna give it another go? No.
Th-the thing is The erm Is the trains.
Oh, Jesus on a stick! I always thought Vish was American.
Oh, God, no, he just spent ages in New York.
- Then a bit of time in Hong Kong.
- Thought I detected Hongkongese.
I'm so glad you're here.
I hate going out but it has given my cat a chance to miss me.
- I can't imagine you as a cat erm - La A cat lady? Is that what you're calling me? Unbelievable.
- Somewhere else you need to be? - Oh, shit, sorry, that's so rude.
No, my sister er I don't wanna bore you with my personal life.
Spent most of the day on my own eating noodles.
Yeah? Is that your cat's name? No, erm Freddie's actually my sister's ex.
Oh, God! Oh, my God.
You know Helen who we were talking to inside? - Yeah.
Bit of a dullard.
- She's my ex.
Is she? - So sorry.
Though in fairness - Yeah, she is a dullard.
Sorry if I made it awkward earlier but er I wasn't in the mood to pretend to like Freddie.
Ah, shit, Aine.
Erm Do you know what, I'm gonna have to skedaddle.
Sorry to leave you at the frat party on your own.
No, go, go, but can we hang out again? - Yeah.
- Is that uncool to ask? No, I'd love that.
We can bitch about everyone who isn't us.
- See you.
- See you.
Stop stalking me.
Don't go walking on your own in the park at night, Aine.
Come here.
I knew you weren't feeling right.
I'm grand.
And a crack addict just told me I looked thin so, you know - That's nice.
- Yeah.
Take it when you can get it.
- Did you leave the party early? - No, no.
It was over.
- Anyone interesting there? - No.
- Do you wanna see some dogs who look like celebrities? - Course.
So funny.
Wait till you see this.
- Look, that's Richard Gere.
- Oh, yeah! Yeah! - Geri Halliwell! - Yes! Geri Halliwell! Yeah! That lad I actually think looks like you.
That doesn't look like me, it's a fucking pug! Exactly, look at its short forehead.
That's Nicolas Cage! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! That's totally amazing.
Show me that again.
Oh, wow! That's brilliant.
I think I fancy that dog more than I fancy actual Nicolas Cage.
A guy has put out the job with his French kid.
- You speak French.
- Oui, monsieur.
Je parle un peu.
His mother died recently and I'm his legal guardian.
- His father? - Yeah.
Yeah.
That too.
Oh, my God! Jesus! Victor, what happened to you? - You have children, Aine? - Not that I know of.
- I'm such an idiot.
- Yeah.
No news there then.
- Eat my arse, Shona.
- You don't have any arse.
Come on We should be dancing We should be dancing Right On a jitterbug, chitty chitty bang-a-rang Body roll, bring it right back, it's a bommerang Tell me y'all simmer down, city life, getting wild Superstar, superstar, making pot, making smoke - Feeling pretty good for real - Yeah - Feeling pretty good for real - OK We ain't gotta worry, this is no big deal We ain't gotta worry, this is no big deal We should be dancing