Those Who Can't (2016) s02e02 Episode Script

Foreskin in the Game

1 [Rock music playing] - Get some - Yeah You see it, want it, grab it - Get some - Yeah Being this dope is a habit - Get some - Boom Yeah, I'm bringing back the magic Gonna snag life and bag it Get it like a savage - Get some - Yeah You see it, want it, grab it - Get some - Yeah Being this dope is a habit - Get some - Boom Yeah, I'm bringing back the magic Gonna snag life and bag it - [Record scratches] - [Keys jangle] Little bit thorny, but I got it.
- Usual spot? - Yep.
And, uh, fill her up, all right? - She's almost out of gas.
- Roger that.
Whatever's the most expensive, okay? Like I haven't done this 100 times.
Hey, Fairbell, do not eat my Tic Tacs, okay? Or I get burned with the cigarette lighter.
Or you get burned with the cigarette lighter.
- Hey, have a great day! - Yeah, it's a little late for that.
You should have seen Starbucks.
God damn [bleep] show.
Ah, ah.
Ah! Ah.
[Groaning] You showed them all, Shoemaker.
You're never too old to make the Cincinnati Bengals' practice squad.
Very funny, all right? I had a vasectomy, and I'm just having a little trouble with the stairs.
You had a vasectomy? Aren't those supposed to be un-invasive? Okay, I wouldn't know.
It's my first one, all right? Now, if you'll excuse me Why are there no ramps at this school? - Your hoodie from the dry cleaners.
- Well, it's about time, Fairbell.
Oh, you're just gonna hand it to me? - Not gonna put it on? - Oh, right, right.
You want to be concierge, you have to think - about that level of detail.
- [Pained breathing] - [Chuckles] - What if this was a diplomat's top hat? - Look at me move now.
[Chuckles] - Now you're screwed, - 'cause he's late for his meeting.
- Not gonna hold me down.
Not gonna hold me back.
There we go.
What are you looking at? Get to class! Let's move it! Nothing to see here.
Quit wasting my time I ain't here for you I'm just putting in work Till my day is through [Groaning] What motivated this vasectomy all of a sudden? My new lady and I had a pregnancy scare.
Ugh, Doris? What, did a dried gourd fall out of her? - She was late.
- Yeah, by 35 years.
Irregardless, I did the right thing, and I went and got snipped.
- I'm just having some complications.
- These are more than complications.
- You're immobile.
- Here's your coffee.
Just the way you like it 21 grains of organic sugar.
She's way too old for you, and that is a problem.
Mm, no.
Way too hot.
Way too hot.
If you dated someone your own age, you wouldn't have these sort of geriatric ailments plaguing you.
- She's not that much older than me.
- Try now.
She's four or five decades older than you.
[Sighs] Mmm.
That's perfect.
I'm getting a hint of apple.
Close Apple Jacks.
Who the hell ate my snack peas?! Answer me! You could just have some of Shoemaker's crotch peas.
Oh, God, shut up.
These are mine! States so clearly on the label, "Trip's peas!" - It did say "Trip's peas.
" - Fairbell: Yeah, he labeled them.
Did you just get back from Grandma's house? Whoa, cool cape.
Oh, this thing? I got it at Anthropologie.
You mean, Forever 31? - High-five me.
- Ahh, ah.
- God.
- Hey, y'all.
I thought I'd bring in some fudgy bacon doughnuts to get your motors running.
Who are you? And what have you done with Principal Quinn? Dan, as I've already explained to you several times in the parking lot this morning, I'm the new principal, Cattie Goodman.
I was hired by the district to fix this school.
Now, y'all don't have to be scared of me.
I am as sweet as sugar.
Now, come on.
Who's gonna give me the dirt on Smoot, huh? How about you, handsome? You want some of this? Huh? Oh, ooh.
A-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga.
I am so glad that you asked this, Principal Goodman.
There are parts of this school that are grossly under funded.
Uh, music, art, the library.
Oh, I guess we know how the librarian feels.
[Laughter] You know, I had you pegged as a ginger witch the moment I saw that cape.
- [Laughter] - This is a pashmina cloak.
- Said the witch.
- [Laughter] - Loren: Yeah.
- Tammy: Abbey has a point.
We need to take some of those funds from the sports and give them to the arts.
That's what I was gonna do.
Now, Ms.
Sherman, could you please tell me what the sign says on that door over there? Mr.
Payton takes it in the "A.
" - [Chuckles] - No, above that.
Above that.
- Mr.
Shoemaker gives it in the "A.
" - No, above that.
Y'all, where are all these signs coming from? It says "teacher's lounge.
" And I'm sorry, but the last time I checked, you were my, hmm, secretary.
- Ooh.
- Now, why don't you be a lamb and go in my office and unpack some of those boxes for me now? [Dramatic music plays] [Dramatic music plays] Now, anybody have anything "constructive" - they'd like to add? - Oh, me, me! - No.
- Yeah.
I love it here at Smoot.
I wouldn't change a thing.
I always tell people, "kids are gonna be kids.
" Now that's the kind of straight talk you can set your watch to.
Come here, mustache.
I want you to go for a walk with me, - 'cause I'm gonna pick your brain.
- It's gonna be a short walk.
Hey, Fairbell, where you going? You have to copy my third period quizzes.
- Dude, where are you going? - You guys, she called me a witch.
[Scoffs] It's like I'm I'm starting to get this wierd feeling that maybe she doesn't like me.
I'm probably reading too much into it - What? - She hates you.
[Muffled] I like you.
Dan, gross.
You should let Dan see under your cloak.
- Will you shut up? - Aah! How was Harry Potter Land, by the way? Fairbell: The problem I have with reading is that you have to read so much.
I've been saying that for years! - Well, this is my Thunderdome.
- Ah.
This gym reminds me of Willicot County High.
Go Segregates! [Laughs] - I was a basketball cheerleader.
- Pffft, what? I was a basketball cheerleader.
Hmm [Marching band playing] [Both vocalizing] Boom! Boom! Pow! Pow! Tsssssst.
[Whistle blows] [Laughs] Now you're speaking my language! You know what? In all the years I've been whipping schools into shape, the one thing that I have learned is that the athletics department is the backbone of any school.
[Scoffs] Now you're speaking my language.
Yeah, but I can't help noticing you got periods one through five off.
What do you say you help me out? I can't.
I usually use that time to help Loren.
- He has a lot of small emergencies.
- Loren? Who's she? [Scoffs] He's the coolest guy in school.
Come on, Fairbell.
I need a strong man with a masculine name like Fairbell.
- Now I'm speaking your language.
- Yeah, all right.
Sure, sure.
So, it's settled then? - You'll be my new assistant? - Now, we're speaking Okay, why don't we do quiet time now, okay? - [Laughs] And I can still hear you.
- I was so quiet though.
[Snoring] Oh, I can't believe I'm here.
There's no easy way to put this, I Your vasectomy's causing you agony, yeah.
I saw you crab-walk into school this morning.
It's a little more complicated than that.
See, I went in for a vasectomy, but then for $75, the doctor upsold me to a reverse circumcision.
- A French bris? - Yeah.
You actually let a doctor do that to you? My parents just took my foreskin.
- They never even asked.
- Okay, this is fantastic.
- Let me have a look.
- I'm not gonna just All right, let me have a look-see.
Come on.
Drop it.
- [Groans] - [Laughs] Oh, well, I am blown away by your professionalism, Doctor.
Yeah, well, that's the last time you'll be blown anytime soon, so - Ha-ha-ha.
What are you doing? - [Camera shutter clicks] - What are you doing? - Relax, it's for medical purposes.
- Oh, come on.
- [Laughs] - You better not post that on Facebook.
- Like I'm gonna do that.
You're so paranoid.
And [Sniffles] [Dinging] - What is that? - What's what? - What was that sound? - What sound? What are those sounds? What are those beeps? - What's happening? That - What are you talking about? What's that dinging? It sounds like a notification.
- There's not a sound going on.
- It sounds like - Where'd they, uh, get the skin from? - I'm not quite sure.
The doctor just had a bunch of color swatches draped over his wrist.
I'm somewhere between rustic barn and Christmas ham.
Yeah, well, now looks more like old penny 'cause your body is clearly rejecting this.
Well, I'm not gonna give it back just because I'm having some slight reaction to it.
Okay, there is nothing slight about what's going on down there right now.
Looks like your penis is wearing capicola as a turtleneck.
- Oh, God.
- All right, sorry, buddy.
There is nothing that Western medicine can do for you at this point.
- What? - Okay.
Oh, well, thanks for nothing, you quack.
- All right, okay.
- Oh, God.
- Why did I show you my penis? - I don't know.
Get back to doping ball players, you loser.
All right.
Well, don't play with it.
You're only making it worse.
- [Exhales] That was close.
- Yeah a little too close if you ask me.
- I'm not asking.
I'm telling.
- Hey, look at that.
- Up to 115 "Likes.
" - Ooh, nice.
Share it with me.
- Wait, we're not Facebook friends? - We're not.
- We're not Face I'm over the limit.
- How are we not Facebook friends? - You're at the 5,000 friends? - I have 5,000 friends.
Okay, you know most of those are bots.
- They are not bots.
- They are definitely - Those are all fine friends.
- They're definitely a bot.
- What do you want me to do with this? - Text it to me.
- Copy that.
- All right, cool.
Easy on me.
Go easy.
Well, Fairbell's MIA.
Missed our third period game of catch, which is nuts, 'cause he lives for that.
Geez, if I could just get the stream started.
- It's like an Elmer's glue bottle.
- Exactly.
He's been glued to Cattie's side since this morning.
Saw them walking through the quad earlier.
- He had this stupid smile on his face.
- [Groaning] - It was pathetic.
- There's no control.
- I know.
I can't control him anymore.
- [Pained breathing] I guess I didn't realize how reliant I've become on Fairbell.
Like, right now for example How do I know when I'm finished peeing? - Oh, God.
- He usually dabs me dry.
Stay on.
Don't go anywhere.
Don't go anywhere.
I'm not gonna stay here.
I'm done peeing.
Now there's no mint, no cigarette, no cologne.
Guess I'll just wash my own hands.
What have I done? - [Organ music playing] - Fairbell! - There you are.
- Jesus Christ! Well, that looks historically accurate.
Where the hell have you been? I have had several small emergencies this morning.
[Sighs] I'm sorry.
Cattie has me super busy redecorating her office.
Cattie, Cattie, Cattie.
It's all you talk about.
You missed our game of catch.
Wait, you weren't playing Cattie, were you? - What? No.
- Dude, were you? Look, she's just a new little lady in town who said she needs a big man to help her out.
Yeah, exactly.
So why is she coming to you? - Don't you think that's suspicious? - Dude, squeeze this.
- Fairbell.
Move your asses, molasses.
- Squeeze this.
- Why's our savior on the floor? - Oh, I'm sorry.
Hey, this is the Loren I was telling you about.
Oh, you're Loren.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my mistake.
I thought you might be a lady with a name like that.
- Oh, come on.
- I'm sorry.
Are you one of those oh, what is the proper term? I keep forgetting.
Uh tranny genders? Okay, that is definitely not the proper term, and, no, I'm not.
Oh, well, don't get your ball-hiding panties in a twist.
- They're Sean John's.
- Hey, Fairbell.
How about lunch you and I, my treat? - Ruby Tuesday's, the clean one.
- What? - What, the clean one? - Yeah.
I love that place.
I'm I'm straight up hooked on their rib plates.
Oh, well, I'm sorry, Laura, but, uh, the caddy only holds two, and, uh, I like to stretch out.
So - [Laughs] - Cattie's caddy.
- I get it.
I get it.
- Did you get that? - Cattie's caddy.
- You like it? I know.
Cattie's caddy.
Ca Well, honey, we can't miss you if you don't leave.
[Laughs] There you go.
[Sighs] I'm sorry about this.
I think it's okay.
- It didn't break.
- Oh, no worries.
's been through worse.
Believe me.
- What do you mean? - Oh, you don't know? Oh, he was savagely beaten by Jews.
Yeah, I'll tell you the whole story on the ride.
Gave him highlights myself.
How about a pie? - Hey, Abbey.
- Hmm? Listen, the library doesn't have any books on, like, potions, elixirs, or - Yeah, I get it.
I'm a witch.
- What? No.
Nobody gives a [bleep] about your stupid problems, okay? I'm having an abnormal medical condition, and I need help.
- Really? What? - Okay, well, a friend of mine - I know it's you.
- Okay.
But you can't tell anybody, all right? I went in and I had a vasectomy, - and they upsold me to a French bris.
- What's that? I had the top hat put back on Lincoln.
You had a reverse circumcision?! - Keep your voice down, okay? - No, no, no, no.
I will help you.
- I'm basically a doctor.
- You are a doula.
That is in no way a doctor.
- No, that's, like, 0.
9 a doctor.
- That is 0.
4 a nanny, Abbey.
Just show me your weird [bleep] You know what? How about I draw you a picture? That'll do it.
That'll get your mind in the right place.
Maybe on this side.
And one there, too.
And then this weird line thing.
Something like that.
No, that is not a thing.
There's no way that it looks like that.
Just show it to me.
There's nobody here.
Okay, all right.
[Groans] [Laughing] Oh, my [Gasps] Oh, my God! That is exactly what it looks like.
- Is that an eye? - No, it's a drain port.
Oh, it's looking at me.
It follows me just like in the Haunted Mansion.
- I'm holding it still.
- Oh, my God.
That is definitely the ugliest penis I've ever seen! Oh, God.
I knew I couldn't trust you.
- [Groans] I'm out of here.
- Wait, wait, wait! - No, no, no, I will help you.
- Why? So you can keep making fun of me about it and telling me all it's missing is neck bolts? No, although that is a good joke and I wish that I had thought of that.
But but, no, Shoemaker.
I will help you because I'm you're best - chance - Friend? No, I am your best chance at having a normal penis.
Oh, yeah.
I'm so normal penis.
Yeah, I thought you were gonna go on about how we were friends again.
- I'm sorry.
- [Sighs] - What do I do? - Uh, well, okay.
Your body is clearly rejecting your new foreskin, so I would elevate your [bleep] But in the meantime, I'll make a poultice.
I'll go to the Dark Forest and I'll scour the forest floor for twigs and berries.
[Cackles] [Gasps] Oh, wait, wait, wait! No, no, no, no, no! No, no! This is not witchcraft.
This is just natural medicine.
- Oh, my God.
I am not a witch! - [Groans] Abbey, you asshole! God! Abbey! [Groans] You hit the drain port.
Tell me to unpack boxes.
I've been here 16 years, and this bitch's got me unpacking boxes! And I tell you something else.
I'm a better principal than she is, too.
I know I'm a better principal.
And then this bitch is gonna tell me that I can't go to the teacher's lounge? I'll go to the teacher's lounge if I want to! [Sighs] You're really handling this well, Tammy.
The bitch has got to go.
Hey, you're not the only one with Cattie problems, all right? She took my Fairbell.
Now I got nobody to go to lunch with! I'll go to lunch with you.
[Exhales] Julie.
Julie, we should go to lunch.
Oh, I actually brought my lunch from home.
- But you're welcome to half of it? - Yeah, what do you what do you got? - Yeah, it's a vegan tempe burger - [Gags] - with a gluten-free bun - Oh, God.
- cashew cheese - Jesus.
- fruit yeast dressing.
- No.
- I mean, it's - No, no.
[Sighs] All right, Dan.
Clean Ruby Tuesday's? [Scoffs] Like I can afford a clean one.
I do know a great little ramen place near there.
I was gonna go there anyway.
I have to pick up a few things.
- I do like ramen.
- Then it's a date! No, we're just getting we're just gonna get lunch, Dan.
- Okay.
- [Sighs] - Dan, come on.
- I'm going on a date! Don't don't Oh.
- Meow, meow, meow - [Bell dings] Meow, meow, meow [Meows] Meow, meow, meow [Meowing] Meow, meow, meow Ugh, how did you even find this place, Trebin? Well, cat-ramen cafés are big in rural Japan.
Yeah, well, this is disgusting.
And where's that gyoza? Ugh.
- Never mind.
- We work as a team.
I like noodles.
They like the salty broth.
Yeah, that's just great, Dan.
[Slurps] And then I said, "The lord is my shepherd! "I shall not want, but I want that handbag! - " I want that handbag!" - You did not! - You did not! - That's what I said, and [Laughter] Handbag! You crack me up! I think I Hey, Dan, when we're done here, do you want to maybe go clothes shopping? You know just a couple of buds looking for some tight new threads? I'm actually shopping right now.
Oh, I like the bones on that one.
- It's a great example.
- An example of what? - Of cats! - You know what, Dan? I tried I really did.
I gave it my all, but I'd like to go back to school now.
Please drive me back to the school right now, Dan.
Not yet! I'm about to snag some puss.
Okay! Well, now we're talking.
A little wing-man action, huh? I'm down.
Who you got your eye on? I like that dirty little Calico over there.
- Goddamn it.
- I need you to run a distraction - in about six seconds.
- What are you talking about? I'm gonna grab me some of these cats.
- Dan, are you nuts? - Nuts like a fox.
- Okay, no, I'm not grabbing a cat.
- Three, two, one! - I'm not gonna help you, you freak! - Hey, everybody! I saw this guy touch up a kid! - What?! - Yeah, I swear! No, no Dan, what are you talking I didn't touch any I didn't touch any Hey.
- Pedo! - Get your hands off me! - You get your - Pedo.
Hey, don't touch me! Rot in hell, pedo! Guys! Together: Move along, I'm just a worm beneath your boot heel Scrape me up and give me a second life I'm worthless, I'm nothing - You shouldn't love me - But I do - Worthless! - Worthless You were right, Cattie.
This is way better than regular soft rock.
And we don't go to hell for listening to it.
See? Now you're getting it! Hey, hey! That's Loren.
That's L Can we stop and pick him up? Fairbell, didn't your mom ever teach you anything? It's dangerous to pick up a hitchhiker.
No, he's not a hitchhiker.
He's my best friend.
Anyone without a car is not your friend, Fairbell.
I'm gonna teach him a lesson.
[Tires screech, horn honks] [Gags] [Laughs] Did I get him? - Yes.
- I got him good.
I'm worthless - 'Cause he is worthless - Worthless Abbey: My pretties.
[Cackles] Ooh! There you are.
There you are.
[Cackles] [Horn honks] Oh.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! This is not what it looks like.
I I just I We're gonna laugh about this later! - [Engine revs] - Wait.
- [Coughs] - [Crows caw] Oh, my God.
I got to turn my car off.
And that, class is roughly how the Haymarket affair started.
Now, does anybody have any questions not related to why I'm laying like this? - That's what I thought.
- [School bell rings] Make sure you turn in your papers before I arrive.
And don't bump the desk.
I will not come back from that.
Don't you touch that desk.
Hey, Shoemaker.
Look, I know this sounds weird, but - do you want to play catch? - What? I could really use it.
You would not believe the day I'm having.
Oh, yeah, I'm having a pretty normal day myself.
Yeah, well, lucky you, pal.
Ever since Fairbell ran off with Cattie, I've been living a nightmare.
Poor bastard can't even tell he's being used.
- You mean like you used him? - I never used Fairbell.
I rescued him! Remember how before I started hanging out with him, he's just stay in his office all cooped up, tearing out clumps of his hair, destroying furniture and I was like, "Fairbells have to go outside.
You got to throw the ball to him every now and again.
Get him heart-warm pills, put a chip underneath his skin.
" [Groans] Oh, my God.
I think it dried to my underwear.
- What dried to your underwear? - My foreskin.
- Ugh.
- Where's Abbey with the poultice.
Oh, God! [Groans] - Jesus.
- Get out of my way! Glad I didn't ask him to lunch.
- God, hurry up.
- You can't rush nature's medicine.
[Exhales sharply] Okay, I think it's done.
Drop trou.
Mm, mnh-mnh.
- Oh, God.
- Ohh.
Let's get these - [Tear] Ahh! - Ohh! - [Tearing] - [Screaming] I think the barnacle fused to the hole! Let me do it.
You have to rip it off like a band-aid! No, no, no.
I want an ambulance.
- I don't want you to do that.
- Oh, you are such a man.
You know, the worst pain that anyone can go through is childbirth.
Babies aren't ripped off the heads of penises! - Bite down on this.
- What? Bite down? I don't think I - [Muffled] I don't think - One, two [Tear] - Okay, okay.
- Oh, God! Did it come off?! Is it free? I think I just need to grease the old pan a little bit more here.
Oh, God, no.
One, two three! - [Tear] - [Screams, groans] Okay, good.
Well, the bad news is that foreskin - is gonna come completely off.
- Okay.
The good news is you're taking this like a man, and I always thought you were a little bitch! - Okay, that's nice of - [Tear] [High pitched] Ahhhhhhhhhh! Cattie: Hey, great first day, coach.
You know what the good book says.
"Cleanliness is next to Godliness.
" - See you, mañana? - Cattie.
First I want to thank you for saving me forever.
- Aww.
- And I like helping you out, but I need to concentrate on my other job - friendship.
- With Laura? Honey, you pick his laundry and you park his car.
That don't sound like a friendship to me.
You're right.
It's a best friendship! What? Wh Well, now, that's just stupid.
Tammy, I'm gonna need you to put some sparkle on these window, darling.
Be there in a minute.
- [Giggles] - Fairbell: Hey, you're getting pretty good at those pop flies.
Yeah, I've had a lot of time to practice by myself.
Wait a minute.
I recognize that voice.
Fairbell! Come here, boy! Ba, ba Ba-bada-ba, ba, ba, ba, ba Ba, ba Ba-bada-ba, ba, ba, ba, ba Ba, ba Ba-bada-ba, ba, ba, ba, ba Ba, ba Ba-bada-ba, ba, ba, ba, ba Okay, boy, that's enough! - [Panting] - That's enough, that's enough.
[Exhales sharply] Boy, Fairbell.
Never thought I'd say this, but I really missed you.
[Exhales sharply] I missed you, too.
- Now, how about that catch? - That sounds awesome.
Let's do it.
Hey, have you ever heard of a lake of fire? Lake of fire? No.
Why? Cattie says you and I are going there in a hand basket.
- [Laughs] - I wasn't ready.
Here you go.
Right here.
A good day today Gonna keep this smile Classic Fairbell.
Well, go get the ladder, you dumb mother[bleep] Aye, aye, sir! - [Chuckles] - Good day today [Sighs] Now, students have claimed that they saw you and Mr.
Shoemaker in the library up to something suspicious.
Something, oh, I don't know, ritualistic, maybe? [Laughs] Principal Goodman, there is a reasonable explanation for this.
Shoemaker? [Breathing heavily] She's the devil! - Abbey is the Goddamn devil.
- Mm-hmm.
Tammy, did you see a black cat run in here? - Hell no.
- Ugh, God! [Meows] [Groans] Oh, sh Uh, you know what? Screw it.
I'm a witch.
There! Now, was that so hard? [Scoffs] Well, there's that darn cat.
Abby if you're finished with your witchcraft the ramen place wants it back like yesterday.