Those Who Can't (2016) s03e01 Episode Script

All's Fairbell

1 Geoffrey Quinn, you're under arrest for soliciting a prostitute.
My girlfriend is a prostitute.
Will you marry me? - Yes, yes.
- Yes? ABBEY: I'm gonna spend some time on Abbey.
Well, it's as good a time as any to fake my own death.
The next mayor of our great city - Hi, I'm Gil Nash.
- That dude is a monster.
He wants to tax a woman's menstrual cycle.
Then after Captain Dipshit - runs Smoot into the ground - [CHUCKLES.]
You get your corner unit.
I get my condo.
The mayor just called me.
He just made me the new principal.
- [SPITS.]
- What? [SIRENS WAILING, ALARMS BLARING.]
[PANTING.]
Hello? Anybody? I'm not gonna make it.
He's not gonna make it.
He is gonna make it.
No, he's not.
He has to.
I'm dead.
Why does he have to be a hero? How can this be happening? - Come on, Fairbell! - Come back to us, Fairbell! - He's not coming.
- Come out, little buddy! He's not coming.
Who are we kidding?! Come on, little buddy.
[PANTING.]
4 minutes and 31 seconds! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Uh, Principal Fairbell? Uh, Coach Principal Fairbell.
Who are all these people? We didn't call any medics.
That's our drama club.
They're crisis acting.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right, look, I'm glad you're doing all of these fire-safety drills, but I think you nailed it after the first three times.
But this time the floor was lava, just in case a volcano erupts.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
- Now, if you'll all excuse me, there's something I've been meaning to do.
- Oh.
- Oh! Quit wasting my time I ain't here for you I'm just putting in work Till my day is through [MUFFLED.]
It is so cool of Fairbell to just drive around the city after work and pick all this food up.
I mean, why would restaurants just throw this stuff away? - [MUFFLED.]
That's so wasteful.
- [MUFFLED.]
It was a day old.
Oh, my God.
I'm getting so full.
It makes me mad when people are wasteful.
I don't even eat all this stuff.
No.
Ohh.
Oh, God.
My problem is portion control.
I'm just gonna go right out and say it.
I think Fairbell is the best principal we've ever had.
Amen.
He's really turned this place around.
Mmm! And it doesn't hurt to have a little moron friend at the top.
- Oh, all right! - Preach it, girl.
I've been so busy planning this wedding with Jade.
It's nice to be able to come to school and just relax.
How's that going, by the way? Ugh! You'd think it would be easier to find a priest willing to marry a prostitute and a teacher, but I guess Jesus was the only Christian as woke as me, - you know? - Well, you know what? You should feel blessed.
Tampa and I have this new baby on the way, but, thankfully, Fairbell's been giving me plenty of time to Did you just touch me? No, I didn't touch you.
You just touched me.
No! I think your gross ponytail just brushed you again.
Oh, geez.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to attack you.
Hey, I've been meaning to ask you.
Did they just give you the iguana tank with that ponytail, or do you have to pay for it on an installment plan? - [CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY.]
- A bunch of reasonable I already told you both.
When Tampa and I were separated, she dated a bad boy.
Hmm.
So if she wants a bad boy, I'm gonna give her the baddest of boys.
Stop! Don't touch it! I think Tampa just wants you to be a responsible father, - Sylvester Sta-pone.
- Yeah, Pone Jett.
I'm not gonna take relationship ribbing from someone who cyber-felates an imaginary friend.
Excuse me.
Me and my anonymous pen pal do not engage in e-sex.
That is strictly forbidden on ThisllDo.
net.
Ooh, that sounds super-healthy.
Dude, check it out.
New guy.
Oh, my God.
Look at that outfit.
- A blazer What is he, Canadian? - No way.
- That's Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
- Totally.
Look at the confusion on his rube face.
It's got "U.
P.
" written all over it.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, my God.
He looked over here.
- Oh! Oh! Whoop.
- 100%.
- Did he see? Did he see? - Mnh-mnh.
[FAIRBELL PANTING.]
Great pack run.
- Get to class.
- [WHISPERING.]
Bell's here.
Good morning, Smoot faculty.
ALL: Good morning, Coach Principal Fairbell.
Never get tired of hearing that.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Yeah.
- Hey.
This morning, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Smoot's new guidance counselor, Steve Sweeney.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE.]
Now, I'm not exactly sure what it is a guidance counselor does, but Tammy has assured me that he's gonna help our kids get into [STRAINING.]
I have a cheat sheet here.
Just pretend I'm not reading this.
"He's gonna help our students get into collage.
" Get into collages.
- Oh.
- Hmm.
College.
Uh, no, this is a high school.
Well, thank you, Principal Fairbell.
Ah! Coach Principal Fairbell.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Okay.
Hi, everybody.
My wife, Deborah, and I are new to the Denver area.
Uh, she just left Lipton to take a position at Terrestrial Seasonings.
So I guess you could say we didn't want to leave, but we couldn't turn down a good opportuni-tea.
Ugh! Wordplay.
[FAIRBELL CLEARS THROAT.]
Anyway, great being here.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE.]
The hell was that? - Ugh.
- Ugh.
Hey, my three number ones.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Oh, yeah, hey.
Tammy said you wanted to talk to me? Right.
Yes.
Fairbell, as you know, today is Arbor Day.
- Yeah.
- It is? And we're all such huge fans of conifers.
- Or any deciduous tree, I'm very into.
- I love her so much.
Yeah, all of that.
So we're probably gonna need, what, half the day off or so to kind of walk around school property - and just look at stuff.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, for teaching, of course.
- Makes sense to me.
- Ha! Attaboy, bud! And, also, remember, I need you to give the quiz in my second period while I'm away, right? - Sí, señor-ee! - Close enough.
All right.
I got to go meet with Tammy, but I'll catch you all on the flippity-flop.
- Attaboy, buddy! - See you later.
Go get 'em today, huh? [CHUCKLES.]
"Any deciduous tree"? You hot dogger.
Excuse me, but, um, isn't Arbor Day in April? And also, uh, conifers aren't deciduous.
Hey, fresh fish! Why don't you mind your own Shoemaker! I got this.
Uh, listen, Sweens.
Can I call you "Sweens"? - Oh, no, I'd rather you not.
- Listen, Sweens.
Fairbell's kind of one of our crew.
So we like to mess with him a little bit.
You get it.
He's one of the gang.
- There's no harm.
- No.
We always appreciate when you U.
P.
Michigan folks stop by.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah.
Hey, why don't you give the boys down at Burlington Coat Factory a little hello from me? Ha! Ha! Ha! Sweet burn! Don't touch me! Sorry, no, that was me and my ponytail.
$156.
$789.
Whew! Wow-ee! We are cookin' with gas! We are over budget $34.
71.
Okay.
Hey, what if we do this Sweep up all the crumbs in the cafeteria, use those.
We'll feed every fish in the school.
Punch that in the magic machine.
Ha-ho! All right, now! That's it! Ha! Ha! Whoo! I had my doubts about you as principal, but we have never, ever had this budget balanced so early in the year.
You're doing a great job.
I couldn't have done it without my right hand.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
And you, Tammy.
Hey, what time is it? 10:15.
Oh, D-A-M-N.
Tonight's the season opener, and I'm late for volleyball practice.
Uh, Coach Principal Fairbell, I know how much you love your volleyball, but principals usually don't pull double duty.
Relax, Tammy.
We've got this.
[CHUCKLES.]
[BANG.]
Ooh! I thought I opened it.
Hmm? Good? So, my parents want me to go pre-med, but I'm really into, like, computer hacking.
Well, computer hacking is illegal, and it's beneath you.
Your PSAT scores are great.
You should be thinking college.
Although I do see that you are flunking Spanish I.
You might want to get some extra help from your teacher.
Well, I tried, but Mr.
Payton always has a sign on his door that says, "Be back Domingo.
" He works on Sundays? This is just a really bad school.
That's somewhat of a cop-out, don't you think? I mean, this place doesn't seem that bad, does it? They say that some of the teachers buried an old woman's body on school property.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's just an old legend.
I mean, every school has one.
When I worked at Choate, everybody said that the student dorms were haunted.
You know what? It turns out they were just raccoons.
[CHUCKLES.]
Spooky raccoon! Ooh! [SIGHS.]
Yeah, you're right.
I mean, they probably would have found something when that bootleg brewery exploded - and the equipment shed exploded.
- [SPUTTERS.]
Well, got to get to English.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[MUFFLED LAUGHTER.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Ah, good dick joke, Loren.
Oh, man.
LOREN: I got a gift, man.
What can I say? This is nice.
Ahh! I've been so swamped protesting that fascist Gil Nash, I haven't had any time to relax.
Well, get used to it, sister.
We got a whole year of this ahead of us.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
I say we go smoke a joint on the 50-freaking-yard line.
- Okay! - Okay? Okay.
Hey, Shoemaker.
Huh? I'm driving to Pueblo in the morning to go score some sweet Aerosmith tickets.
You in, brah? Okay, okay, okay! Close enough.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
- Ohh.
- Oh, man.
- God.
- Ugh! Oh, hey, I got an idea.
Yeah? Why don't we go tell our best bud, Principal Fairbell, that we're not gonna be in for the rest of the day? Who's the hot dogger now? You know what? I'll race you guys there.
- What? - Oh, totally.
Oh, yeah.
You're on.
You're on, Abbey! Ow! You guys were on my ponytail! [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Guys, I can't run! Sorry I'm late.
Ohh! I said sorry, Pam! Look, I know tonight is the big game, and I've been so busy being the alpha dog that we haven't had time to practice, but you know what? - I believe in this team.
- Why? We've never won a home opener.
We don't have uniforms, and You know what? Forget about all that, because we are gonna practice all day.
[CHUCKLES.]
We have class.
Well, I happen to know the principal.
I can call in a little favor.
[ALL CHUCKLE.]
[CLICKING TONGUE.]
[SIGHS.]
Straight to voicemail.
This guy is impossible to get ahold of.
I'll just tell him when I see him in the hall.
But as of right now, you have my undivided attention.
Principal Fairbell.
[GROANS.]
Just go warm up.
- [ALL SCOFF.]
- Sorry.
I just wanted to talk to you about some troubling things I've been hearing around the school.
- Are you coaching volleyball? - Uh, I was.
Now I'm being your principal.
Nothing comes between me and my team.
- Not even being principal? - Uh, it's our first game of the season.
Coach Fairbell! Hey, Fairbell! Yeah, real quick.
Uh, listen, bummer news.
We were way off about this Arbor Day thing.
Thank you! Yeah, turns out it's a whole Arbor Week.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
So we're gonna go see John Muir give a lecture at the Arborsetum.
We're gonna need a couple days off.
- Sure.
- John Muir, the famous naturalist? Yes, John Muir, the famous naturalist.
- Yeah.
- The one and only, yep.
Well, that might be kind of tough since he died in 1914.
- Uh-oh! - [SIGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Nice catch, Stephen.
If you'll excuse me, I have a team to coach.
Glad I could save you the trip.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
- Hmm? Now you can get back to teaching, unless you save all your teaching for Domingos, Mr.
Payton.
[SCOFFS.]
Okay.
Hey, Lord Payton teaches in America, bud! I don't know where "Domingos" is! Okay, that is twice now.
That guy is gonna Fair-block us all year long.
I think it's time to teach Forrest Dump how we do things at Smoot.
Now, you see, that is good wordplay, okay? It's It's fun, it's on the money, it's not about someone's hair or something stupid like Don't touch it! Stop! - Ooh! - Stop it! Stop! Oh, stop pouting, Gaston! - Belle will marry you! - No! Stop it! What she has with the Beast means nothing.
Shake out a few drops in there, and once he gets four or five sips in - [GAGGING.]
- he realizes.
Loren, we're not peeing in his tea.
Jesus! Then I'm out of ideas.
All we need to do is find some dirt on the guy to hold over his head so he can't come after us again.
That's good, too.
And I know exactly the person to do the digging.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
[ALL CHUCKLING LOUDLY.]
What? Is she deaf? What is going? Gretchen? Gretchen! [CHUCKLING CONTINUES.]
LOREN: Oh, and you know so much about hacking.
I do know a little about hacking.
- You feel really happy - I read half of the book.
- Knowing that you feel like she's - Shut up! [COMPUTER BEEPING RAPIDLY.]
BILLY: All right.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, what kind of dirt do you have under those dirty, little fingernails of yours? Nothing.
I searched his employment records, his tax returns.
I even searched the dark web, and the guy's a Boy Scout.
Well, then, what's on the thumb drive? His employment records, his tax returns.
The guy's a Boy Scout.
[SIGHS.]
Is she keeping his stuff? Oh, um, by the way, I may have let in the Smoking Devil Virus, so [CLICKS TONGUE.]
my bad.
- What's a Smoking Devil Virus? - Who cares? I got a new plan.
Follow me.
[ALL CACKLE.]
When he laughs like that, it's good.
[CACKLING CONTINUES.]
[COMPUTERS CRACKLING, BEEPING.]
Yeah! That's what I'm talking about.
Over the net! Aaaaaaah! I like that aggression, Pam.
Hey, at this pace, we'll be ready to hopefully not lose that game tonight.
TAMMY: [OVER P.
A.
.]
Coach Principal Fairbell, you need to get over here right now.
Something is happening to all the computers.
The devil is everywhere! Fine.
All right.
I have to go be principal again.
The rest of you, keep working on your spikes, okay? I'll be back in a jiv-a-diff.
[GASPS.]
Nice aggression, Pam.
Save it for the net.
Here you go, fellas.
A little sourdough bread.
Ooh! Maybe a little hair? - Oh, that's a button.
- I really don't want to do this.
I think this is a serious escalation.
Hey, you had your chance.
I just need a few things to help teach Stephen a real lesson.
Chill out.
We did your stupid idea.
- Hey, Trebin.
- Whoa! - Hey, man.
- Hey, guys! - Hey, man.
- H-Hi, Abbey.
You're smelling pretty again today.
Uh, gross, Trebin.
Listen, Trebs, we got a bit of a snitch sitch, and I need your help showing him how we handle that kind of thing at Smoot.
I'm in the gang! Oh, oh, no.
I don't know how you got what you just said from what he said.
Yes.
You help us out with this, and you're an alternate if Abbey dies.
Well, we wouldn't want that to happen.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Please stop winking.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I-I have a breadcrumb in my eye.
Okay, here's what I need.
Okay.
Oh, you want Loren Payton Maestro, YA Erotica Author, Master Baker, DJ? It's a personalized letterhead.
It's dope as hell.
Turn it over.
Turn it over.
Oh, okay.
Ooh, you're in luck! [CHUCKLES.]
- I have all of this stuff! - Great.
[LAUGHING WILDLY.]
I can't believe we're doing this.
It's time to show the Stephens of the world who's the boss.
Right, Pony Danza? [DOOR OPENS.]
Ooh! Okay! [DOOR CLOSES.]
The principal just had to call a priest to fix a bunch of computers.
But I'm back, so let's get this practice back in the happening.
We should just skip it, Coach.
We don't even have our uniforms.
Oh, right, the uniforms.
I completely forgot.
You know what? I'll just see if Tammy can pick them up, 'cause I'm not giving up on tonight.
And neither are any of you.
So let's take the court, ladies.
Come on! There's not gonna be any more interruptions.
- As a coach - Fairbell, we need you.
You are not gonna believe this one.
[SIGHS.]
Can't it wait? Fine.
[TEAM GROANS.]
You know what? This is the last interruption.
I promise.
These things always come in twos.
I just don't get Aah, I see you! Sit it down! That's what I thought.
It's Pam.
She's very good.
You don't have to be the world's greatest detective to see what's going on here, do you? This is clearly a rat trade gone wrong, so Stephen, you got your rat.
Did you not hold up your end of the bargain? This is a veiled threat.
Oh, this is not veiled anymore.
Well, I want something done about this.
Your friends did this.
- Now, come on! - No, they didn't! - That is outrageous.
- Friends? They were upset because I blew their attempt at ditching school this morning.
Also - Oh, my - Personalized letterhead.
I'm a sucker for a good mall kiosk.
Fairbell, this is low, even for them.
You got to do something.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
[SIGHS.]
[MUSIC CONTINUES.]
[SNICKERS.]
Did Trebin give you guys that rat? - Fairbell! - I'm not saying! Sorry.
Okay, detention duty all next week! - What?! - Dude! Are you serious? She said I had to do something.
Thank you.
And now, if you'll excuse me, Maestro, I have to go wash my hands.
Yeah, why don't you go wash your nose while you're at it? And I have to get back to my team.
Oh, speaking of team, Tammy, would you mind picking up our uniforms? I've been too busy with this rat-trading nonsense, I don't have time to do anything.
- Sure, sure.
Go on.
Get on out of here.
- Thank you.
- [SIGHS.]
- [DOOR OPENS.]
Fairbell is turning this school around.
I swear, if you three do anything else to mess that up - We are not messing it up! - We are not mess - Us three is not doing that! - That guy! Any more bullshit, and I'm gonna tie your dicks together and throw you over a power line.
Well, I feel like I have to be honest.
I do not have the length for that.
Oh, I hate you! - [SIGHS.]
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
Well, I think it's my turn now.
Time to tear Mr.
Holland a new opus.
All right, well, you're up, hot shot.
Let's do it.
Oh, my God! It touched my lip! God, it's so salty, Shoemaker! Oh, my God! Are you okay? [SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Hey, Sweens, wait up.
Wait up, man.
You stay away from me.
- Come on, bud.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
I feel like we got off on the wrong foot.
- Yeah.
- The wrong foot? You stuck a dead rat to my wall! You're still hung up about all that? Come on, man.
Oh, wow, is is this your, uh Is this your Miata? Yeah, it is.
- Wow! - Wow, nice, man.
- You like Miatas? - I love Miatas.
Ferrari of the Ozarks, I always say.
I saw this candy-red doll, and I said to myself, "Mama Miata.
I gotta have me some of that-a.
" [LAUGHTER.]
Now, that is good wordplay.
- Man, that's fun.
- Yeah.
- That is a lot of fun.
- Thank you.
[SIGHS.]
- One minute, Coach.
- Okay, thank you.
Got it.
We'll We'll be out there, dressed appropriately.
Okay, it's game time.
You know what? Tammy is going to be here with those uniforms.
I know it.
So in the meantime, mentally, let's just start kicking some Chatwood A-S-S-E-S-S.
They're going to destroy us, Coach.
I know! I know! I just wish we had more time.
Is it true that "Miata" is Italian for "clitoris"? I've never heard that.
Really? I saw a meme that was very convincing other Guys, guys, I think we should keep our voices down.
- Oh, right.
- It's unsafe to be here this late.
This is Denver.
There are no bad neighborhoods here.
You happen to be standing in one right now, bud.
Some people refer to this part as Sucktown.
- Sucktown? - 100%.
Earlier today, I saw two dudes right over there with their dicks tied together.
And they were strung up over a telephone wire.
You know what that means.
Yeah, that is classic bad-neighborhood sign.
Mm, big time.
And And they're attacking teachers too, now.
- Oh, everybody gets a turn.
- Really? Well, I'll watch out.
A while back, cartels showed up.
- Ohh.
- Wild stuff.
Ohh, I remember that day.
Oof.
Can't - Ohh! - Ohh! - Oh! - Oh, my [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
[TEAM MURMURING.]
FAIRBELL: [GASPS.]
My wish came true! What else do I want? I wish I had a cowboy hat full of pudding.
Ohh! Pam! - This is insane! - My car! - [GROANS.]
- Why is the power out?! - And who is this? - [GROANS.]
Yes! Who is this masked man who acted completely alone? Uh, 'tis I, a friendly neighborhood jogger.
I was burned as a child.
I was a preco - It's Shoemaker! - What?! - Whoa! - Whoa! Shoemaker?! That was you the whole time?! And I would have got away with it if it weren't for Tammy and that pesky muscle car! [GROANS.]
- They tried to assault me! - That's a little much.
- Who? Who's "they"? - I mean, come on.
I was out twirling a baton, you know, free from the judgment of my face.
[WHISTLE BLOWS.]
Okay, I'm calling force majeure.
We're rescheduling the match for next Friday.
Yes! Which is actually better for me, because I only get to see my daughter now, you know, every other weekend 'cause my wife is the Ex-wife [EXHALES.]
It still feels so weird to say, you know? Okay.
Okay, Chip.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING.]
Hmm.
I think I know what's actually going on here, and I want to see all of you in my office.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
You two! - Okay? - That's right.
[GROANS.]
That's pretty sad.
Crushing my buzz.
[GROANS.]
Well, Fairbell, I think you learned something today.
Part of being principal is making the hard choices.
[SIGHS.]
You're right, Tammy.
I did learn something today.
I learned that I can't be afraid of firing people anymore.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
So It's time that I made the hardest choice I've ever had to make.
It's probably long overdue, but it's time to fire Principal Fairbell.
- What?! - What?! - What?! - Are you serious? You're firing yourself? - Are you kidding me? - Nope.
These three knew that my team was not ready for the big game tonight.
So they did everything in their power to make sure it got postponed.
And that is some best-friend stuff.
What about the dead rat that they stuck to my wall, or trying to Tonya Harding me? Actually, Jeff Gillooly was more the mastermind.
And you, sir, are no Nancy Kerrigan! She was a thoroughbred, okay? And just as graceful off the ice, honestly.
- A real ambassador for - Who cares? I think Oksana Baiul probably cares.
That's who.
Yeah, if she could crawl out of the bottle long enough.
- Oh, she got sober.
- Did she? - What?! - Yeah.
- Shut up! - Oh, what a gazelle.
Anybody with half a brain would have fired these three.
- [SCOFFS.]
- Well, luckily for them, I don't have half a brain.
Fairbell, you have to fire them.
No can do, Tammy.
I don't have the authority anymore.
And, frankly, neither does anyone in this room.
They tried to beat me with a child's baton, and you're firing yourself.
This is just insane.
[ALL SNICKER.]
Oh, you may have won today, but it's a long school year.
And nice hair, Pone of Arc.
Now, that is good wordplay.
[DOOR OPENS.]
It's not that good of wordplay.
You already did the Joan-to-Pone thing.
Yeah, but he had his own take on it.
Get out! [STRAINING.]
Aah! I'll take an Epsom salt bath.
- Score one for the good guys.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- [GASPS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
And you're paying for my car! Pedestrians have the right of way! Are you sure about this? [SCOFFS.]
I'm a volleyball coach, Tammy, okay? Through and through.
Ooh, I've never had to tell anyone that they were fired before.
I guess it's best just to rip it off like a Band-Aid, huh? [RECEIVER CLICKS.]
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
Ugh, of course I would get a call during the most important call of my life.
Oh, my God.