Those Who Can't (2016) s03e06 Episode Script

Taco Tuesday

1 I earned my way.
Nobody handed me anything.
You all act like children.
We put drugs in a student's locker? STEVEN: I'm also a practicing Satanist.
They tried to assault me! - Ohh! - Ohh! My car! There's a hole in the lunchroom staff.
- What do you say, Rod? - Yeah, yeah.
I'll take it! GRETCHEN: This is just a really bad school.
Oh, I hate you! - Mmm-mmm-mmm! - Oh, man.
These Tex-Mex French Toast Bites are delicious! Yeah, they're part of DynaLunch's new Smart Mornings line.
You should try some of this maple nacho dipping sauce, because it is setting it all off for me.
What? How can you wackos eat breakfast on a Tuesday? You're wasting your valuable taco space.
Uh, this stuff is gonna move right through me.
It'll be gone by third period.
Yeah, that's the beauty of DynaLunch.
It's not all clingy like regular food.
What the f Quit wasting my time I ain't here for you I'm just putting in work Till my day is through Is this some kind of joke?! Yeah, if it's a knock-knock joke, you don't even have the format right.
- Hey, guys.
- Listen, Rod.
I know you dropped out of society for a while, but the basic rules of human civilization haven't been completely fucking abandoned! - All right.
- Is this about Delilah? I know I'm not supposed to be dating a co-worker.
- No.
- No, this isn't about Delilah.
Okay? It's about Taco Tuesday! Or Or, as you would have us believe, Chicken Nugget - I can't even say it.
- It's wrong.
- I can't.
- "Chicken Nugget Tuesday.
" Ugh.
Even the words taste yucky to my ear mouths.
Rod, we had sloppy joe's yesterday, okay? You cannot put nugs on top of joes.
- You just can't.
- You know how it goes.
It's beef, beef, nugs, fish of dubious origin, cheese on dough.
You played the game! This is what you signed up for! [VOICE BREAKING] That's what my body needs! We can't not have Taco Tuesday, Rod! In this F'd up world, it's the only thing that makes sense.
Rod! Okay.
Well, DynaLunch delivered nuggets this morning.
And you just accepted them? No, I told them there's a mistake and they should just check their order.
Okay, yeah.
And what'd they say? That was sarcasm, Red.
You think I'd question DynaLunch? Do you know anything about institutional food service? - No.
- Uh, why would we? - Why would I know anything about that? - That's your job.
DynaLunch runs the lunch racket in this town.
They run it in every town.
You don't question DynaLunch.
Oh, that's it.
You don't question anything.
This guy's just full of excuses.
Let's go check the freezer.
- Yeah.
- You're wasting your time.
You're a traitor, man.
You're a real jerk.
Everything sounded harsh about about that.
It's not even cold in here.
I don't think this thing is even on.
Walk-in's just for show.
None of this stuff needs to be frozen.
I think it's from the Russian space program.
Oh, come on, Rod.
You're a survivalist.
You must have an emergency stash of tacos here somewhere.
Emergency tacos? Are you kiddin' me? DynaLunch keeps all this under strict ration.
The only reason we get it in the first place, we're elite Three Diamond status.
Smoot is an elite school? DynaLunch-wise it is, yeah.
Just means we eat more processed food than anybody else.
And this is how they repay us.
God! Okay! Everybody, calm down! Okay? We just have to improvise here.
- Okay.
Somebody give me a crazy job.
- LOREN: Gym teacher.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] "Hi! I'm Randy Fairbottom!" That's terrible! That's the worst Shut up! Shut up! I mean, we have to improvise with food and and making tacos out of this stuff, okay?! - Okay.
- We've got, uh, powdered eggs.
And non-dairy creamed ice.
I see some chipped tilapia over there.
I'm gonna stop you right there, all right? That sounds good on paper.
It's like swallowing thumb tacks.
Buh-buh-buh! Pancakes! Uh, we could take the band saw from woodshop and slice them into tortillas! Tortillas are basically sliced pancakes, right? - I-I think so.
- Ahh! Who are we kidding?! - There's no tacos in here! - Watch yourself, Rod! Aah! [ALL SHOUTING] There's no tacos! Rod, Rod, he is starting to lose it, okay? You need to call DynaLunch and get an emergency shipment of tacos right now! Yeah, I'll I'll jump right on it.
- Then go do it! - What are you waiting for?! - That's more sarcasm, guys.
- Oh, my gosh.
Guys, it's way above my pay grade, all right? - Talk to Quinn.
- Fairbell, you got to cool it.
- You got to cool it.
- I'm cool! I'm cool! - Okay.
- You guys cool down.
[SCOFFS] Where was I? Aaah! Is there someone there that I can talk to? - Quinn! Get out here, dude! - Uh-huh.
- Is there anything else I can do - You got some explaining to do! Okay.
Is she available today? - He's not there.
- Yeah? - Okay.
Room 312? - Tammy, where's Quinn? Tammy.
All right, yeah.
I can be there today.
- Tamm-y-y-y-y.
- Okay.
I will be there this afternoon.
- Tammy, get off the phone.
- I could be there today.
- Tamm-y-y-y-y.
- Tammy, get off the phone.
Thank you so much.
- Okay.
- Tammy, get off the phone.
Did you not see that I was on the phone?! No.
Of course we saw you were on the phone.
That's why we were telling you to get off the phone.
- Where the hell is Quinn? - The principal's conference in Pueblo.
The PCP? So he's basically in adult Disneyland while we're rotting out here? That is great! That is friggin' great! [STOMACH RUMBLES] I think I'm already rotting.
Are you aware of what's going on in the cafeteria? No.
And I don't care.
Where are you going? Are you leaving? I have some personal business to attend to.
Business that's more important than this? Whatever "this" is, solve it yourselves.
I'm taking a personal day.
Oh, that is typical Tammy, always walking away when you need her.
She hasn't taken a day off in five years.
Yeah, that's right.
Twice a decade, you can count on Tammy to shit the bed.
Like clockwork.
Guys, this was already scary enough, and now there's no one in charge.
Oh, no.
There's someone in charge.
We're in charge, okay? [MUFFLED SHOUTING] You hear that? Mm-hmm.
I heard that.
Halt, good sir! Ugh! Stop following me! Oh, that was quite the pace, sir! Trying to keep up.
Yeah, I didn't know I was being pursued by the world's slowest dragon slayer, all right? I am not the world's slowest dragon slayer.
Barnaby707 is the world's slowest dragon slayer.
Okay, okay.
What do you want, Dust Bowl swing dance? Let's go.
Spit it out.
My good chef, I have heard quite the rumor that on this, a Tues of all days, you expect us to dine on chicken nuggets.
Would you go back to class, neckbeard? Well, a gentlesir you are not.
I shall make my leave.
This is unreal.
But note, my hat will go untipped for you, sir.
Adie Damn it! Go back to practicing frontier magic.
Okay, Rod, you have to put "Tacos" back on the white board.
Panic is spreading all over the school.
I can't just lie.
The white board is sacred.
Come on.
We still have an hour and a half before first lunch period.
We can fix this! You're gonna cause needless panic.
This is like that climate hoax.
I'll believe in climate when I see it.
- Just stop stop talking.
- All right, listen.
I could leave it blank.
- Okay, yeah.
- It's a good start.
All right.
It's not a good start, okay? This thing is about to blow wide open, all right? Rumors and innuendo flying around.
I have an idea.
[UPBEAT, AIRY MUSIC PLAYS] I'm sympathetic to your story, Ms.
Really, I am.
If you could give me just a little more time You don't understand.
If you kick my son out of St.
Lawrence, he's gonna have to go to Smoot.
[CHUCKLING] I'm sure you're exaggerating.
No, I'm not.
I work there.
You're serious? I heard Smoot was burned down by angry parents in 2006.
Just the west side of the building.
Sadly, the rest is still standing.
What's it like? Is it as bad as they say? Worse.
We've got physical assaults, drug trafficking, Satan worshippers.
The students are a little better, but still please don't subject my son to that.
I wish I could help, Ms.
Really, I do.
[PEN CLICKS] But my hands are tied.
[PAPERS RUSTLING] Thank you, Jesse.
If you can't pay the $8,000 balance on Carter's tuition, I'm afraid we're gonna have to disenroll him.
Disenroll? Is that even a word? It is.
I use it five or six times a day.
I guess I'll just have to find a way to break the news to Carter.
[LOUD, CHAOTIC MUSIC PLAYS] LOREN: I'm just second-guessing everything now.
We've been over it too much, you know? Guys, this feels like a huge mistake.
It's not too late to run away like cowards.
If kids show up for first lunch period expecting tacos, there's gonna be anarchy.
Yeah, I-I agree.
I think we got to get ahead of this thing.
Yeah, but their young, taco-starved brains aren't gonna understand.
- We need to lie.
Lie like the wind.
- Yes.
Yes! I still think that we should avoid any direct reference to tacos.
Yes, we're all in agreeance on that.
Abbey, why don't you have a seat and get started here? - Come on.
- We all decided you would do it.
You're calm, you're poised, Edward R.
Just get the news out, okay? Okay.
[CLICK] Good morning, Smoot! This is your librarian, Ms.
Logan, with a very special announcement.
But, first, let's all take a moment to appreciate what we do have.
BILLY: Did you write that? I don't know why I-I-I stressed, uh, "do" as though t-there was something that we don't have.
LOREN: What is she doing? She's blowing it! She is so clutch.
[LAUGHS] Oh, okay.
Here's some, uh, news.
Uh, due to an as-yet-unexplained mix-up LOREN: Don't say "mix-up.
" Soften it.
Or, uh, discrepancy There you go.
In the food-ordering process, there has been an unscheduled non-disbursement of today's taco lunch.
- Oh, my God! - [FEEDBACK] You just said "tacos," asshole.
You weren't gonna do that.
That was your rule, okay? Back on track.
ABBEY: Okay.
Namely, to wit, i.
, the usual Tuesday offering of Do not say "tacos.
" - You just said "tacos"! - [GASPS] I just said "tacos"! - I can't stop! - We're all saying "tacos.
" ABBEY: They can all hear you right now.
LOREN: Start lying.
Just start lying.
Uh, uh A masked gunman took them.
Or ISIS! That's not bad.
Oh, wait.
North Korea could've taken them.
- No, no, no, no.
Go back.
- ISIS? ISIS took them.
It's a sleeper cell.
- Shh, shh, shh! - ISIS took the tacos.
Of Latin-American shell-based meat-and-cheese things will just for this one special occasion be replaced with bonus chicken nuggets.
So hooray! [GLASS SHATTERS] Okay.
I did the best that I could! No, it's fine.
It was really good.
You just made it one million times worse.
Thanks, Abbey.
ANDY: More like a thousand times worse.
- Shut up, Fairbell! - You said "tacos" first! LOREN: What were you even doing out there? We said stick to the script! Hey, guys, guys, guys! It's quiet.
Just the right amount of quiet.
Maybe this is gonna be all right.
[GLASS SHATTERS] MAN: N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING] We know you know where the tacos are! Where are they?! Tell us where they are! Fairbell, what are you doing? Get over here! Hey, hey, hey! Where are the tacos?! Kids are dropping like goddamn flies.
That's ridiculous.
Uh, I mean, Shoemaker is literally doubled over with laughter at your stupid comment.
Oh, God! What's happening to me? I'll tell you what's happening.
Excuse me, please.
Can you please get out of the way? - Out of the way.
- Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Get off of us.
You're like animals.
Come on.
This man is suffering from Dynabetic shock.
Which is like heroin withdrawal, only three to four million times worse.
- DynaLunch food essentially - DynaLunch food essentially Okay.
I thought that's where I jump in.
And I thought we were gonna play it by ear.
Which is just Rick-speak for "I'm gonna do the whole thing.
" - So go ahead.
- I'm trying to go ahead.
- I'm not hearing anything.
- You're not letting me go ahead.
- Come on! - Guys! DynaLunch food essentially shocks and awes the body.
Once you get on their strict routine of beef, beef, nugs, nondescript fish, and cheese on dough, your brain literally rewires itself.
- Once that happens - Once that happens And here he is again.
Any deviation from that routine can be disastrous.
I mean, this is just the beginning.
- Ooh, no.
- [STOMACH GURGLES] Here's what we do.
Go to another school, pretend we're teachers there, and get their tacos.
That's actually pretty good.
But we didn't think of it, so, nah, we're not gonna do that.
Thanks anyway, Julie.
We need you to go back to your rooms and maintain order.
- Yeah.
Just clear out.
- Let's go.
- Everybody out.
- Go.
- We're on it.
- Doctors wait.
I think I'm crowning.
[SCREECHING VIOLIN PLAYS] Please fix this, Loren.
[SNAP] Why specifically me? [UPBEAT, AIRY MUSIC PLAYS] While offering a short-term solution is ultimately a myopic approach to a long-term problem.
I think you have turned me around on this issue.
Thanks, Mr.
Thank you for reminding me that you're never too old for your opinions to evolve.
The last thing I would want to be is some strident jackass clinging to the outdated views of his angry youth.
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] - Okay, everyone, great work.
As always, if you have questions on your topics, feel free to call me, nights or weekends, except during "The Good Wife.
" That's Mr.
Cobbler's time.
And remember, if you have to raise your voice to make a point, you're probably wrong.
I'll see you guys Thursday.
What are you doing here? Do I need a reason to come see my baby? - Is this a bad time? - No, never too busy for you, Mom.
Why don't you w-walk me to lacrosse practice? - Okay.
Come on.
- Yeah.
[CHILDREN LAUGHING] - What's happening here? - Trigonometry Tuesday.
Whole school goes crazy for it.
[CHUCKLES] So, how's everything going? Oh, pretty good.
I got 90 hours of community service.
Carter, what did you do? Oh, I-I won second prize in the student raffle.
Grand prize was 150 hours.
That would've been awesome.
Well, listen, baby.
I, uh Look, there's There's my Spanish teacher.
CARTER: Hola, Señor Sleighton.
¿Qué tal, amigo? - Estás señora tu madre? - Sí.
Oh, very nice to meet you, Ms.
Carter's a real star here at St.
You should be very proud.
I am proud.
So very proud.
And this is Mrs.
She runs the media center.
And, uh, she's organizing the big march tomorrow.
Well, actually, I've decided to hold off on protesting until I can research the issue more thoroughly.
- Hmm? - Cool.
Well, I guess I'll see you guys later.
Up top, down low, forearm, popcorn.
- [BOTH LAUGH] - iHasta luego! Mr.
Sleighton's the coolest teacher in school.
That's very nice of you to say, Carter, but I'm an adult.
I don't care about being cool.
I am the coolest teacher in this school! We know! You remind us, like, every day! Well, in an emergency, sometimes people forget who's coolest! It's important to re-calibrate! Everyone just shut up and listen to my opinions! - Oh, God! - I'm calling Tammy!! That's my coach.
There's my star midfielder.
You know it, Coach.
I was thinking, with a little more torque in your backswing, you can decrease the drag coefficient by at least 38%.
I also teach AP Physics.
I enjoy the challenge of trying to balancing both jobs.
Like a perfectly placed fulcrum.
- Anders Bellfaire.
- Tammy Sherman.
Carter's become quite the team leader.
I think he's on track to be captain next year.
Well, that's wonderful.
You know, he's really [CELLPHONE RINGS] Oh, um, I'm sorry.
E-Excuse me.
Are you back from Pueb Oh, Tammy! Thank God! We're experiencing severe taco withdrawal over here! One of the Drs.
Greene says he's never seen Dynabetes this bad, but the other Drs.
Greene says he has, so We need to make an emergency order.
Where is the DynaLunch number? For God's sake, it's in my top drawer! And what the hell are you doing in Quinn's office, anyway?! We're just trying to Okay.
- Excuse me.
- What did she say? I'm sorry.
Uh, excuse me.
Is there something going on at Smoot? No, honey, there's nothing going on at Smoot.
Was that Principal Geoffrey Quinn, the infamous sex offender? No.
Uh, actually, all of his convictions were thrown out.
- I think maybe we should hit the field.
- Oh.
I got to go, Mom.
All right, baby.
Oh, was there something you wanted to tell me? Um just that I love you very much.
Well, love you, too, Mom.
- Ready? - Ahh.
That kid is staying right here.
[STOMACH GURGLING] [CHILDREN GROANING] Curse this juvenile Dynabetes.
Curse it to the deepest realms of Hades! Aah! Ohh.
[GROANING] Oh, my God.
Hurry up.
My pants are on borrowed time.
ANDY: Hey, you know what? If I stab myself in the eye with this pencil, I'll be too distracted to think about my burning insides.
[CHUCKLES] Booyah! - Somebody should stop him.
- Sorry.
[CLEARS THROAT] Ahh [IRISH ACCENT] Oh, hello, uh DynaLunch! Top of the mornin' to ya.
Uh, Geoffrey Quinn over here at Smoot High School.
Uh, I'm not sure which story on the news you're referencing.
Oh, yes.
That was me.
Yes, yes.
Oh, really? Well, also me.
Listen, we need an emergency shipment of, uh, taco meat to the school.
Oh, really? Only her, huh? Okay, yes.
Well, I know that.
Uh, I'll have her call you back.
Uh, namaste.
[SIGHS] What the hell was that? [NORMAL VOICE] I felt like I was nailing Quinn.
- I nailed it.
- That's an Irish accent.
- That was spot-on Quinn.
- It was.
You sounded like a pubescent Leprechaun.
What I just think it was a good Quinn, all right? - No, it wasn't.
- He's broguey.
- He's a broguey guy.
- What are you doing? Quinn speaks in a bit of a brogue.
They said only Tammy's authorized to place orders.
Well, then, call Tammy and have her do it.
You know what? Ear hole would do it.
Really, any hole is gonna do it.
Mmm, and there's nothing I wouldn't do [CELLPHONE RINGING] Doobee-doobee - TAMMY: Leave me alone.
- [BEEP] God.
Tammy didn't even answer.
Tammy just literally signed our death warrant! She's literally killing me! We are F'd.
We're literally F'd! - Literally, right in the B! - Literally, right in the B! Okay, please stop saying "literally.
" One of us in here has to be able to do a Tammy impression.
I can't.
Listen to my voice.
I'll do it.
I'm a gifted mimic.
This is Timmy Scherzer, ready for tacos.
You are so bad at improv! You didn't even get the name right.
You know her name, and you got it wrong in the impression.
ANDY: [NORMAL VOICE] It was close enough! I can do a killer Garfield, hmm? Okay.
[SINGSONG VOICE] Thursdays! Listen, my Tammy impression, while not intended to be racist, comes off as crazy racist.
- It is.
- Yeah, no, I've heard it.
- It is pretty racist.
- I shouldn't.
I do not think you should be doing that.
- Here, give give me a chance.
- All right.
I'll do it.
Okay, but this is your last chance.
No more times on the phone if you screw this up again.
[SIGHS] This oughta be good.
This is our last hope.
[STERNLY] Oh, hey, girl.
She didn't even say, "Top o' the morning.
" Yeah, we need, uh, some tacos here at Smoot High School like yesterday.
Uh, my name is Tammy Sherman.
Oh, hey, Carol! Uh, yeah, I thought that was you.
Uh, yeah.
My voice? Uh, it's, uh, allergies.
You know, pollen and shit.
You know how it is, girl.
So, could we have, uh, those tacos A.
? [CHUCKLES] Girl, you are a lifesaver.
LOREN: Yes! Me? Uh, you know how it is.
Loren is still an asshole.
Okay, all right.
You can put a beard on a turd, but it's still a turd, right? Okay.
Hang up.
Hang up.
No, I haven't seen it, but, uh, girl, I've heard stories.
And if DynaLunch ever runs out of gherkins, you just come on over here to Smoot.
- Oh, well, that's funny.
- That's just rude.
After giving it a great deal of thought, I'm gonna offer you $6,000.
[CHUCKLING] Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
For a mint V-8 in limited-edition Cabernet? No, sir, you're gonna give me 8 G's for this car.
Lady, you got yourself a deal.
Thank you, Dealin' Dave.
I hope that you'll find someone who'll love her as much as I did.
Well, I'm gonna sell her to the Denver P.
She'll make a great bait car.
To catch those inner-city youth.
Another perfect deal by Dealin' Dave! Dealin' Dave! One more time! Dealin' Dave! [NORMAL VOICE] $4,000 for tacos? I mean, that's highway robbery! She means parking-lot robbery.
[HUSHED] The Dynabetes is eating at her brains.
Listen, man, you're gonna get your freakin' money, all right? Now just give us the tacos! Money first, then you get your tacos.
- Ugh! - Come on! We don't have the money, all right? So just get out of here.
Take the afternoon off, huh? I'm not going anywhere without DynaLunch's money.
You know what? There are five of us and one of you.
What's to keep us from just taking the tacos, huh? BILLY: Yeah! [WHISTLES] - Oh, my God.
- Your van just moved a lot.
- Is that Dave? - Shit.
Oh, is it Dave? - Ohh! It's Dave.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no! I got a missile locked on this frickin' guy.
- Take the girl! - What? I've seen "King Kong.
" This'll work.
Don't worry, Abbey.
It's not sexual.
He's just gonna keep you.
He'll carry you around.
[SHOUTING] ABBEY: Go to sleep, Dave! Go to sleep! - [CHUCKLING] Dave.
- We're hurting you! I keep tapping out, but he's ignoring the rules of the octagon! Oh, God! It moved from my gut to my joints! Well, most of the symptoms of Dynabetes are psychosomatic, in my professional opinion.
Oh, yeah? What profession is that? Great! Now it's spreading.
- What are you listen - Shh.
Sherman, it's Dean Reynolds.
I just wanted you to know that we got your wire transfer, and Carter is all set.
Okay, thank you.
Thank you so much.
That's great news.
LOREN: Shut up! Ohh.
Carter will never have to see this.
LOREN: Tammy, help us! Tammy, help us! Oh, my God! Did you see that? She's riding the bus! What a loser! Yeah, yeah! I'm coming.
Dave, put them down! DR.
GREENE: Shut up! You're messing up what I'm doing! Oh, hey, I've been meaning to tell you, the sloppy joes you guys are doing Best thing on the menu, by far.
Just so messy.
Wish there was a way to make it more tidy.
ABBEY: [CRYING] Why won't he sleep? [DAVE GROWLING] Why won't he sleep? [UPBEAT, AIRY MUSIC PLAYS] [TEACHERS MOANING, SHELLS CRUNCHING] - Oh, God! - Mmm! - Mmm-mmm! - Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm! I can feel my Dynabetes just drifting away.
This is what's been missing.
So good to have it back, you know? Oh! There she is! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] There's our girl! My new lord and savior.
Sorry, Yahweh.
Where did you get these, Tammy? They taste exactly like DynaLunch tacos.
Well, at Taco Ron's down the street.
They have the same dog meat.
- Oh, you're a genius.
- Taco Ron.
I had no idea they would let non-DynaLunch food into the school.
You know, and it is that kind of quick problem-solving that has made you invaluable in this place.
LOREN: It really is, you know? I'm sorry I give you so much shit all the time, Tammy.
We'd be dead without you, disintegrating from the inside out.
You should've seen this guy.
So sick.
- Guilty as charged.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, you guys are just too much.
And guess what.
You're in luck.
Tomorrow is Cesar Chavez Day! Means more tacos! Ha ha! But, uh, W-Wednesday is nug day.
- That's just too many tacos.
- What the hell are you thinking? I renounce you, Tammy! [HISSING] There is an order to this! You know what? To hell with y'all! Assholes.
- I can't even eat this.
- Tacos twice in a week.
What am I, Italian? Right back to shittin' the bed.
ANNOUNCER: If you or a loved one has experienced any of the following medical complications as a result of eating DynaLunch food, you may be entitled to financial compensation.
If you're suffering from any of these DynaLunch-related ailments, call the Law Bros.