Those Who Can't (2016) s03e09 Episode Script

Those Who Could've

1 Okay, guys, there's five minutes left in the period, so you should be finishing up.
Very nice.
Landon, what are you doing? This is so sloppy.
You can do better.
Come on.
You guys, these are the wedding place cards.
It's the first thing people see.
They judge the entire reception off of this.
It has to be perfect! What is this Señor Dre? Come on, Tyler, it's Doctor Dre.
'Cause he's a doctor.
Of beats.
What? He could show up.
Worst-case scenario He sends a gift.
Probably headphones.
Quit wasting my time I ain't here for you I'm just putting in work Till my day is through So, then Old Terminator gives everybody the thumbs-up when they're lowering him into the lava, so you know he's gonna be okay.
Good morning, people.
Listen up.
I have some good news.
Root beer in the water fountains? No.
The Denver State University Education Department has finally reinstated us into their student-teacher program.
Yes! I-It's wonderful that we get to mentor these lovely young teachers, and And it's it's all good.
It's all good.
That five-year ban really flew by.
I was surprised it wasn't a lifetime ban.
Anyway, Quinn has assigned student teachers to many of you.
Wait.
Hold on, Tammy.
We get student teachers? Well, for some reason, Quinn seems to think that they'll have a positive effect on you.
They say that mentoring can be as good for the mentor as the mentos.
- No one says that.
- Mm-hmm.
Anyway, these young teachers will be here tomorrow, and they're here pro bono, so, please, show these young teachers what actual, professional teaching looks like.
Hopefully, someone will have shown you by then.
I feel like that was directed at us.
This is bullshit! Okay? I can't teach how I teach.
You guys know I work alone.
I play by my own rules, and I don't need some hot-shot rookie coming from downtown, telling me how it's done.
Okay, Shoemaker, if you could stop quoting Steven Seagal for one second, you'd realize that the district is literally handing us free assistants with this thing.
Embrace it, man.
I, for one, am very excited.
I get to finally mentor a new generation of librarians.
And who knows? Maybe I'll find some hip, cool, awesome college student to hang out with.
I can finally go to the Burning Man.
- The Burning Man.
- Mm.
Black Rock City with Agnes Butterpenny.
Well, this is awesome.
I've heard you can pin your entire course load on these saps, which will give me plenty of time to continue planning my wedding.
It's become a full-time job at this point.
We all know you've never had one of those.
Okay, I told you I worked two summers at Lady Foot Locker, and I worked my ass off.
You were a part-time stock boy, and you were fired for smelling women's shoes.
[WHISPERING] I told you that in private.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS] Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
I was busy interviewing florists.
Last one couldn't tell a carnation from a peony.
Dipshit.
So, you're my student teacher? Yes, Mr.
Payton.
Cory Mitchell.
Very nice to meet you.
Yeah, that checks out.
All right, listen, here's the deal.
I'm basically the coolest teacher here at Smoot.
And the kids all love me, so I expect nothing less from you.
- Absolutely, sir.
- Nice.
Keys to teaching.
First, your outfit.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, beginner's luck.
Second, your hair.
Oh.
Pretty thick.
Good for you.
Step three, and this is by far the most important.
- What is it? - Breath.
Think you can do 10 shots under the tongue? Doubt it.
Watch and learn.
[SPRAY HISSES] [SPRAY HISSES] [COUGHS] [SPRAY HISSES] [COUGHS] [SPRAY HISSES] [SPRAY HISSING] [COUGHS] [COUGHING] [SPRAY HISSES] That easy.
Now watch me command this room.
What up, mis estudiantes? [THUD, LAUGHTER] What the hell?! Who did that?! Not cool! Not cool at all to shoot spitballs at your new student teacher like that.
Good thing I was here to block it.
You're welcome, bro.
I'm not exactly sure that's what happened.
Oh, no.
Trust me.
This is by far my worst class.
I keep telling Quinn I can't do remedial.
They're unreachable.
And yet, here we are.
Here we are.
Ugh.
Why don't you just start the lesson plan up? I got silverware to pick out.
It's a whole wedding thing.
Okay, Señor Payton.
[BREATHES DEEPLY] Hola, amigos.
TOGETHER: Hola.
¿Ustedes piensen que el español es solamente de vocabulario y gramática, sí? [SPEAKING SPANISH] Me llamo Cory.
- Wow.
- [STUDENTS MURMURING] Okay, all right.
No, no, no.
That's enough.
It's Señor Mitchell, as far as you guys are all concerned.
Hey, Cory, we use last names here.
This is a high school, not a CarMax.
BILLY: Ah.
Mr.
Shoemaker? Let's get a couple things straight right off the bat.
Number one, I don't babysit.
Number two, things move pretty quick around here.
You feel me? So you either keep up, or you get out of the way.
- Am I clear? - Crystal.
Great.
Now, that bell is gonna ring in about two minutes.
What do you have for my kids today? Well, I know you're super into 19th-century labor disputes, so I thought we'd start off with the Canut Worker Revolt of 1831.
It's never been more relevant than today, and quite frankly, sir, I got a lot to say about that shit.
Yeah.
Yeah, I-I'm sorry.
Uh, what did you say your name was? I didn't.
Ah.
Nice to meet you, Willow M My God, is that a Capitalist Emulsification tattoo? - Are you a fan? - Yeah.
It's the first punk show I ever went to.
My mom took me when I was 10.
So your mom was a Cap Head, huh? - Probably a r - No.
She hated it.
Thought it was gonna be a ska show.
Got the nights all mixed up.
But I loved it.
Wow.
Yeah.
You know, um, I They were terrible.
But I think that was on purpose.
You know, kind of a performance-art kind of a thing.
No.
I mean, I think there was some of that, but I think So, let's get to teaching.
- Oh, um - I'll take the front.
- Yeah.
- You stay back here.
[LAUGHS] Telling me what to do and everything.
Okay, class, this is Craig, our new student teacher.
He's on the Denver State University college basketball team.
D-I.
Best of the best.
Basically the girls' JV Volleyball of college athletics.
- Can you dunk? - Yeah.
[GASPS] Seriously? [BREATHES DEEPLY] Okay, well, we were gonna do jumping jacks, but, instead, dunk fest, starring Craig.
Dunk it, dunk it, dunk it Get it in the hoop Dunk it Dunk it, dunk it [STUDENTS CHEERING] YOUNG WOMAN: Wow! He's like a machine! Dunking machine Oh! [SCREAMS] [STUDENTS CHEERING] - And here we are.
This is our library.
- Oh.
And this is Abbey Logan, our librarian.
Oh, hey, Tammy.
How you ladies doing? Just waiting for my new student teacher.
Abbey, this is Agnes Butterpenny.
Hello, dear.
Uh, I [CHUCKLES] Uh, you're Agnes? - I-Is something wrong? - No.
I-I just thought that Agnes was an old name that they suddenly made new again.
[LAUGHING] Oh.
It never went away, dear.
Oh, should I start putting the newspaper in the wooden holders? Wow.
Uh Why don't you just take a a seat, Agnes, over there? Oh.
Can I have a word with you? I thought I was supposed to have one of those cool, young, college-student librarians.
You're lucky to even have her.
They're discontinuing the librarian program - after this year.
- What?! Discontinuing?! Mm-hmm.
I hate to break it to you, Abbey, but young people are no longer studying to be librarians like they once did.
Or probably ever did.
Are you saying that I might be the last of the librarians? Well, yeah.
If you manage to outlive Agnes.
[LAUGHS] [SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS] Oh, my God.
- This one? - Yeah, that one.
- Well, this sucks.
- Mm.
Cory's clearly jealous of me and intent on doing anything he can to show me up.
Smug, young, handsome jerk.
At least he's young.
Agnes is like 600 years old, and she's absolutely worthless in the library.
It takes her forever to put the books back.
- Well, mine's great.
- What'd you just say, Shoemaker? Nothing.
No.
I said she's fine.
She'll do.
She's kinda lame, but I'll get through it.
Yeah, that's more like it.
Well, Craig can do stuff I've literally never seen a human being do before.
Yeah, that could be anything, Fairbell.
You call that clean? Tell me something.
Can you see your face in the Solara? Can you see your face in the Solara?! Well, then wax it again! Hey, Leslie, you got a second? Yeah.
What's up? Well, first of all, sweet Solara.
- Yeah, right? - Second of all, how'd you get your student teacher to do that? - Do what? - You know, be your personal servant and stuff? Oh, this is your first time.
- Yeah.
- Here's the deal.
You tell them you're gonna give them a bad evaluation if they don't do everything you want.
But those evaluations are meaningless.
They don't know that.
Look at this.
LOREN: Oh, my God.
Holy shit! You just threaten them with a fake evaluation.
- That is so brilliant! - All right, pipe down! You're gonna ruin it for everybody.
- Sorry.
- We all know it's bogus, but they think their career depends on it.
Career? What do you mean teaching? Yeah.
Can you believe that? [LAUGHTER] [ALL SIGH] All right, watch this.
Hey, kid.
End over end.
"End over end.
" What is that? Oh, my God.
Did you see that? All right, now go get a new bucket.
- Wow.
- He didn't even question her.
LOREN: You guys, Leslie is a genius.
We could have our own personal robots.
[GASPS] Robot.
Oh, come on.
Oh.
Should someone tell him they're not actual robots? No, no, no.
Let's see how this plays out.
What the hell is this? Cory! What is it? I asked for crumb cake.
This is very clearly coffee cake.
Do you even know the difference? - I don't think I do, sir.
- Oh, my God.
It's this exact lack of attention to detail that is going to force me to give you a bad evaluation.
No! I'm so sorry! I-I didn't have time to go to your preferred bakery 'cause I was too busy picking out your wedding tablecloth samples.
Are you kidding me? I wouldn't wipe your ass with these samples, Cory! - You're gonna wipe my ass? - Just get some more samples! Oh, and be sure to call the Botanic Gardens to confirm my reservation, too, okay? Should I use the credit card you gave me? Okay.
Oh, Cory, one more thing.
I'm gonna need you to crab-walk out of here.
Just because.
Let's go.
Get to it.
That's a good boy.
There you go.
[LAUGHS] You're not even going to exchange this thing?! My Jerry and I were pen pals during the war.
Oh, those letters.
We finally met when it ended.
Oh, that's so romantic.
I have an online pen pal myself, but meeting is strictly against the rules.
Oh, don't be foolish.
Meet him.
There's no substitute for face-to-face.
[CHUCKLES] That's so true.
Unless it's mouth-to-butt.
Can I help you with those? No.
I wouldn't be much of a librarian if I couldn't do Aah! Oh, my Oh! [GROANING] LOREN: Jesus, Abbey! Pump the brakes a little bit.
This isn't Westworld.
Well, I She just fe fell.
Oh, my God.
Cory, come on! Okay, CR-a1G, set me down right here.
[LAUGHS] Class, watch this.
This CR-a1G unit can do just about anything.
CR-a1G, what's the weather today? - Partly cloudy.
- [LAUGHS] Well, it's a good thing I'm wearing a light jacket.
CR-a1G, what time is it? - 11:40.
- [LAUGHS] This technology is so amazing, I threw my phone in the river this morning.
Technology? [WHISPERING] It's programmed to think it's a human being.
It's pretty sad.
Willow.
What are you doing? Mr.
Shoemaker.
I built you a new crib for your baby.
That's incredible.
She's just been sleeping in an old grill we converted.
Why would you do this? Well, I want to get a good evaluation.
I heard some of the others talking about how you got to go above and beyond.
You know, I didn't want to risk my career.
- Who told you that? - I'd rather not say.
Is this Is this gonna affect my evaluation? What? Willow, no.
Willow, look at you.
So young and idealistic.
Motivated by a love of history and rebellion.
Tattoos poking out from the bottoms of your sleeves.
You're like a young me.
You're frightening me.
[SIGHS] I can't do it anymore.
I can't lie to you.
You're not a robot.
You're a living, breathing almost-teacher.
Evaluations are meaningless.
We only told you that they mattered so you'll do everything that we say.
Are you freaking kidding me?! Y-You can't say anything to anybody about this.
I've been here for hours building this crib! You don't know how high up this goes, okay? This is part of a sacred teachers' code.
For the safety of both of us, you cannot tell anyone! What? That you're enslaving student teachers for free labor? Not me, per se.
I'm more part of a group thinker and LOREN: Mr.
Shoemaker.
Hello.
I was going to invite you to race your student teacher against the rest of ours, but it appears this one isn't properly broken yet.
Oh, she's properly broken.
- Perhaps we could chat - Let's see about that.
Willow, is it? Fetch me a cup of coffee.
Almond milk, organic sugar, and then, once you've done that, just throw it in Cory's face.
Get fucked.
[SCOFFS] Excuse me? Run, Willow! Run like the wind! What have you done, Shoemaker? This is bigger than us.
This is about the future of our profession.
Profession? What do you mean teaching? Well, yeah.
[BOTH LAUGH] [BOTH SIGH] [CELLPHONE CHIMES] CRAIG: "Evaluations are meaningless"? [SIGHS] [BREATHES DEEPLY] Okay, CR-a1G, carry me to my car.
My name's Craig, dumb-ass! [LAUGHS] This isn't my car.
Robot! Get back here! Robot! Power down! Robot! Hey, I don't remember giving you permission to sit.
Although, it appears you've finally figured out what a crumb cake is.
[SCOFFS] [MUFFLED] Sorry, Chief.
The tables have turned.
Excuse me? [GULPS] [NORMAL VOICE] The tables have turned.
We know the truth.
The evaluations are meaningless.
Oh, well, look, Cory, I don't know where you heard I'm talking! What's not meaningless is the systematic abuse of student teachers by Smoot faculty, which we will report, and you'll be permanently banned from the program if you don't do whatever we say.
God.
You preppy piece of shit.
[CHUCKLES] Strike one.
[SIGHS] Fine! What do you want? Well, for starters these are your wedding tablecloths.
No! No! Not the taffeta.
And then, at the turn of the century, all the greedy, tyrannical industrialists exploited their hardworking laborers until the laborers realized they had power.
But not all industrialists are, uh, bad guys.
Some are pretty cool, you know, and did a lot to help the proletariat find their freedom.
Hashtag "not all industrialists.
" Oh, really? Like who, Billy? Oh, well well, uh DuClaude TiffanderThiessen comes to mind.
Uh-huh.
Okay, class, your assignment is to write a report on Who was that again? Oh, Christ, this is Hmm? DuClaude TiffaniAmberThiessen.
That's the name you're going with? - Uh - [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] Oh! Saved by the bell! [LAUGHS] They can replace the catalog.
They can even take away the books.
But they'll never find a computer that can do what a librarian can do.
That is so wise, Agnes.
Thank you.
Listen, I've been meaning to tell you, I'm sorry for asking you to carry those kind of heavy books the other day.
Oh, it's my fault.
I thought I could manage it.
But my hips don't lie.
I've never seen two hips simultaneously dislocate.
Well, librarianing ain't for the faint of heart, missy.
- [CHUCKLES] - You're telling me.
My George used to say that about combat.
He wrote me letters during the war.
Wasn't it Jerry? Different war, dear.
Oh, look at this.
She's got you wheeling her around in some sort of wheeled chair like a goddamn princess.
I broke every bone in her body! I wish I was as sadistic as you are.
Maybe then the student teachers wouldn't have rebelled.
I've got too big a heart.
It's always been my Achilles' heel.
Now we're gonna need a new plan entirely.
Emergency meeting, after school.
CR-a1G, voice command, override password.
Where is your reset button? Right there.
Oh! Oh! [SIGHS] He can't be bargained with.
He can't be reasoned with.
Okay, emergency meeting, after school.
What's with the 'tude? Oh.
Okay, we got to get rid of those stupid student teachers before they ruin our reputation across the entire industry.
Industry? You mean teaching? Yeah.
[LAUGHTER] It's funny to say "industry" about it.
[ALL SIGH] Okay, first thought.
And this is a bad pitch.
We just frame them for sleeping with students.
- No, that's hack.
- Been done.
- Hack.
- Like a nap? I said it was a bad pitch.
[GASPS] Ooh, I have an idea! What if we get Gretchen the computer whiz to hack into CR-a1G's mainframe and turn him good? Oh, my God.
- Good pitch.
[LAUGHS] - Mm.
Fairbell, I feel like it's time you knew the truth.
You're a total dipshit.
- Mm-hmm.
- They say the truth hurts.
I don't want anything bad to happen to Agnes.
I just want her out of the library for her own safety.
Oh, that's it.
I got it! I-It's so obvious.
The truth.
If we want to get rid of the student teachers, we have to tell them the truth.
- What? - Are you serious? The truth is what got us into this whole mess.
And it's gonna get us out.
Remember the old Samantha Switch-A-Roo? - Huh, bud? - Oh, sure.
Ohh! - No.
- No.
- No.
- No.
What do you mean, "no"? It was your idea.
You're the one that came up with it.
Oh, the book.
I thought you were talking about a person you knew whose last name was Switch-A-Roo.
You think I know somebody with the last name Switch-A-Roo? - It's a cool name.
- Where the hell would they be from? - It is not a cool - I would be telling everyone if I knew someone with the last name Switch-A-Roo.
You know what? You know what? I want you to look me in the eye.
You got a good lock? I'm gonna kill you.
I am gonna kill you.
I can't stand this.
I can't do this anymore.
Hello.
You guys said you wanted to see us? We got notes you wanted to see us.
LOREN: Oh, congratulations.
Looks like somebody just fell for the Samantha Switch-A-Roo.
[LAUGHTER] So I guess you guys don't know everything there is to know about teaching yet, do you? Now, please, take a seat.
Weird.
- Let's go.
- Go ahead.
Just a little presentation we prepared for you.
But I think you'll find it was worth it.
So, you want to be a teacher, huh? [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] [ALL GASP] Oh, my God.
What is that? Look at it! Take it all in, okay? This picture on the left is from the first day I ever started teaching.
This other picture on the right, yeah, it's from this morning.
[GAGS] Fairbell.
It's so stark when you see it side by side.
- Hard to look at.
- You did great.
ANDY: That's my office.
It's actually a toilet, which is super-convenient.
I can just be thinking, take a break, have a little pee, go right back to thinking.
Obviously, you all being robots, you don't have to worry about bathrooms.
Okay, thank you, Fairbell.
- But if you did have - Thank you.
Very useful.
- Get out of here.
- Um I don't really have anything to say, except Agnes, please, please, please, for your health, don't be a high school librarian.
I don't think you're quite up to it.
Doctor says in six to eight months, - I'll be ready to go! - Go where? He didn't say.
- Agnes.
- Take a minute.
Take a minute.
Just have a minute.
In the meantime Huh? That is my checking-account balance.
What are those negative numbers? Oh, those negative numbers? That's my 401(K)! Yeah, I owe Merrill Edge $19,000.
Here, take this.
I can't even look at them.
So, any questions? Huh? Yeah, didn't think so.
Boom.
- Thank you.
- Oh! I told you, she's a smart one.
It is a good presentation.
You're right.
- We crushed it.
- Okay, this is condescending.
Yeah.
I got a question.
You guys think we don't know this already? We're studying to be teachers, not bankers.
The problem with you Smoot teachers is, you're all close-minded, cynical losers.
I'm engaged to marry a prostitute, Cory, so you might want to rethink that, okay? We're not here for money.
We can live in cool vans or tiny houses.
We're here to disrupt the education industrial complex.
To rethink teaching in ways that have only been seen in documentaries.
So you either need to keep up or get out of the way.
Come on, guys.
Let's go inspire.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
She really is the perfect me.
God bless those idealistic Millennials.
Yeah.
Hey, maybe this is what I was talking about The mentors becoming the "Mentos.
" Oh, Fairbell, those are dishwasher pods.
Maybe there is some wisdom in just accepting defeat, you know? Mm.
[CHUCKLES] The Freshmaker.
TAMMY: Thank goodness some anonymous tipster revealed the truth about these sleazebag student teachers.
Spoiler! I was still reading it.
See? This is way better than just accepting defeat.
When you're right, you're right.
But now we are being blamed for not properly supervising them, and they're banning us for another 10 years! 10 years.
We could do 10 years standing on our heads.
- Totally.
- Not me.
My record is four minutes.
Then I pass out.
I knew you assholes couldn't be trusted with this.
- Trusted with what? - Nothing.
- Nothing.
- I don't know.
Trusted with what, Leslie?! [WHISPERING] She knows about the robots.
You know, I got to admit, though, I feel kind of bad that Willow will never be allowed back into the business.
The business? You mean teaching? - Yeah.
- Dude, nobody calls it that.
It's kind of funny, huh? - Yeah.
It's kind of funny.
- The business.
To call teaching the business is funny.
[CHUCKLES] [BOTH SIGH] So, Agnes, I have a surprise! Drumroll, please.
It's your library certificate! Look, you graduated! And, to celebrate, I was thinking And this might be a little out of your comfort zone But you, me, Burning Man.
What do you say, Agnes? Agnes? Agnes? Agnes?!