'Til Death s01e05 Episode Script

* All right! * Hey! * Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! And so I said to him, "Do not take the money away from our fine arts program.
" I mean, the arts are a crucial part of a well-rounded education.
Okay.
I say this in the spirit of making this car pool work.
This ride home, a little talky.
Less is more.
You know what I'm saying? Come on, Woodcock.
It's time to get going and let the cabin air out.
Yeah, Eddie, would you mind if I hung out and just listened to the radio for a minute? NPR was just about to do a story on deaf rodeo clowns.
All the danger, none of the laughter.
Radio? What is this, the 1940s? Go inside your house and watch TV like everyone else.
Come on.
Get in there.
Your wife's waiting for you.
Oh, okay.
I know what this is about.
You're looking for a little downtime from the missus, huh? Well, why didn't you say so? Hey.
That's ridiculous.
What's ridiculous is a grown man in an apricot sweater vest.
The fact is, you hit the wall.
The wall? Yes.
It happens in every marriage.
At first, you want to spend every second together.
Then at a certain point, the man wants some alone time.
That's not true with me and Steph, all right? We're still totally in love.
I'm not saying you don't love her.
I'm just saying it's enough already.
I see it every time you get home.
She shoots out of the house like you just got back from the war.
Why? Because she's cooped up all day writing that ridiculous thesis on What is it, the French Revolution? Literature of the French Revolution.
Oh, okay.
Now I can't wait to read it.
Hey! I saw you drive up.
You won't believe what happened today.
I was doing research, and I Googled Louis XV when I meant to Google Louis XVI, and I was like, "Wait a second.
"Louis XV wasn't executed.
"Duh.
" Anyway, I ended up on the Bed Bath & Beyond web site and I was gonna order some new hand towels, but if figured you'd probably want input.
Open the door, sweetie.
You got to unlock it sometime, Woodcock.
* Ooh! Eddie, you were right.
Steph is driving me crazy.
My only alone time is in the bathroom.
I've been taking 45-minute showers twice a day.
I'm rubbed raw! I'm getting alopecia.
Look.
Look at this.
All right.
Look, let's not start sharing our body issues, okay? You don't want to open that door.
I should just be honest with her.
I should tell Steph that I need some space.
No, no, no, no, no.
Honesty never works.
You see this scar? This is from when I told Joy that she might want to switch to a stronger antiperspirant.
All right.
Well, what do you suggest I do? Well, you got to come up with a wife-certified activity that you can do without her.
Wife-certified? See, you're married now, okay? So, "I'm gonna go have beer with Chuck" really doesn't cut it anymore.
You need to be able to point to something on the calendar and say, "This is happening," almost as if you can't control it.
I like mystery novels.
Okay.
You're clearly not getting this.
The goal is to get out of the house.
Like golf, for example.
That buys you half a day right there.
How the hell do you think the Scotsman who invented it came up with 18 holes? He probably started at 10, went home to his wife, figured he needed a little more time away, bumped it up to 14, and then took it to 18.
He would have kept going, but unfortunately, he ran into the sea.
So what's your activity? I'm in a band.
See, just when you think you have me pegged, boom, I blow your mind.
I didn't even know you played an instrument.
Well, back in the day, I was able to make a little noise on a bass guitar, but I actually haven't played in years.
But you just said to me you were in a band.
Yeah.
Well, see, Joy doesn't know this, but the truth is, we really don't play much anymore.
See, my friend Cofeld converted his garage into a game room, so we pretty much just bring over the instruments, play cards, drink beer and eat.
But four guys in a garage band, wife-certified.
Four guys just hanging around a garage, not wife-certified, and maybe even a little creepy.
* Ow! Sweetie, you in here? Yeah.
Yeah.
Just gonna be a minute.
Hey, there, stranger.
Hey! You've been in here for like half an hour.
I missed you.
Really? We did just play a hell of a game of Monopoly.
Two people, it sure does take a while, doesn't it? Anyway, can I help you with something? No.
Just wanted to say hi.
What's the matter? Nothing, nothing.
You enjoy the water.
I needed a break from the warmth anyway.
You're not getting sick of me, are you? What? No.
No.
No.
Look, honey, um, there's something I got to tell you.
What? Eddie asked me to join his band.
Okay.
Gonna scoot.
Got to get to Cofeld's for band practice.
You gonna be there all day? You know, I'm not sure.
I'm working on a new bass solo and I'm thinking this could re-energize the bass solo genre.
* Bow, chicka, bow, bow Well, while you're out having your fun * Bow, chicka, bow, bow just think of me.
I'm gonna be here paying our bills, taking in our dry-cleaning.
Oh, yeah, you know, I'd help you if I could, but, you know, band practice, it's on the calendar.
It's like Flag Day, you know.
It's there.
Got to deal with it.
Yeah.
I know.
I just I'm a little bit stressed out.
You know, I'd like to be appreciated for just half a second for everything that I do around here.
Oh, I appreciate you.
You know I do.
I should show you more.
I should.
I'm an idiot.
Okay.
Bye.
Okay.
I got the pizza steak.
Who's got a Whiz and onions? Right here, right here.
All right.
And Stan with the large salad.
Why do you have to say it like that? I'm trying to eat healthy.
I could use a little encouragement.
You know who else could use a little encouragement? Gin! Ow! That's 24 bucks now, ATM.
I asked you to please not call me ATM.
Why not? I push your buttons, you spit out cash.
It's just not nice.
Oh.
I'm sorry, ATM.
That's not cool.
Oh.
I'm hoping that's the delivery guy bringing back Stan's manhood.
Woodcock, what are you doing here? I want to join your band.
What? No! Come on, Eddie, please.
I panicked trying to come up with a wife-certified activity and I told Steph you already let me in.
Look.
No offense, but I'm seeing enough of you already with the car-pooling to school and the sheer drapes on your powder room window.
By the way, only European guys wear that kind of underwear.
Eddie, come on, please.
Hey! I brought my clarinet from high-school orchestra.
Okay, this may come as a surprise, but that's not a huge selling point.
Hey, hey.
There's a three-white-man limit in my garage.
He's got to go.
I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking.
Come on in, man.
How you doing? I'm Cofeld, and this is my private fun zone, whenever my mother-in-law isn't staying with us.
Very nice to meet you.
Mmm-hmm.
Hey, how you doing? Oh, nice going.
You woke him up.
The man hasn't slept in 72 hours.
He has baby triplets.
His house sounds like a chicken farm.
This is my neighbor.
Oh.
Hey.
I'm Russ.
Jeff.
Congrats on the triplets.
Wow! Yeah, yeah.
Love them.
Changes your life.
Don't have kids, man.
I'm serious.
Don't do it.
Oh, hi.
Hey there.
Hi.
Stan Jarvis.
You probably recognize the name.
I own Jarvis' Jewelry and Gifts at the mall.
Oh.
Yeah.
So don't make fun of the ridiculous amount of male jewelry that he's wearing.
Did you throw out a card? Because I was distracted by all of your rings.
I have three rings.
A man can wear three rings.
You know who else can wear three rings? Gin! Ow! We're up to Wow.
So this is it, huh? The band.
This is pretty sweet.
He knows we don't actually play anything, right? Oh, yeah, yeah.
I know.
I'm cool.
I'm down.
That salad looks delicious.
Thank you.
* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! * Ow! Hey, Steph.
What's up? Nothing.
I just found my old tarot cards, and I thought since Jeff and Eddie are at band practice, maybe you'd want me to delve into your future.
Oh, that's too bad 'cause you probably could have laid the cards out at home and known that I wouldn't want to do that.
Wow, someone's a Scorpio.
I'm sorry.
I just I have a full afternoon planned.
All right.
Maybe I'll just wander over to the band practice, you know, check it out.
Jeff says he's been rocking crazy hard on the clarinet.
Uh, yeah.
I wouldn't go over there if I were you.
Why not? Well, here's a little bit of garage band trivia that you should know.
There isn't one.
What do you mean? They're not a band.
They don't practice.
They don't play.
They just do that, like, "I'm gonna wrestle you, but I'm not gay" thing.
And they hide out from their wives.
That's not true.
Jeff wouldn't do that.
Uh-huh.
But he's ripping Van Halen solos on his high-school clarinet.
Steph, he just needs a little space.
I can't believe this.
Honey, listen to me.
I know that it doesn't feel like it right now, but someday you're gonna want a little time away from Jeff, too.
It's completely normal.
I mean, you can't even consider it a real marriage until part of you just wants to run.
And you don't mind that Eddie gets to go off and have fun, while you're stuck here doing all this stuff? Oh, I have fun.
The thing is, I don't tell Eddie.
Yeah.
Before he heads off to band practice, I spread all this stuff out, and I tell him it's gonna take me all afternoon, and I make him feel guilty, and then I'm a martyr, and I get points.
It's this whole thing.
You're gonna learn about it eventually.
The truth is, most of these bills have been paid since the early '80s.
Anyway, I got to change.
I'm actually headed downtown to see a revival of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, starring Donny Osmond.
You okay? Just let it sink in a little bit.
You're okay.
Let yourself out.
That's it.
Come around the horn and get in the clown's mouth.
That's it.
That's it, baby.
Get in the clown's mouth.
You know who else goes in the clown's mouth? Gin! Ha! Not bad.
A little weird and dirty, but you're getting it.
Okay, there's five guys and seven pizzas.
Who could that possibly be? I'll get it.
Oh, hello, pretty lady.
I do not know you, but this does not feel right.
Woodcock, it's your wife.
Steph? Hi, sweetie.
Sorry to interrupt band practice.
Hey.
Hey! Hey, there's panties in the sock drawer.
We were just We're all on a hard five.
You know.
Really? Yeah.
I wanted to hear you play.
Guess I'll just have to hang out till your next set.
Yeah, well, it's gonna be a little longer than a five, actually.
Because we just, you know, we're still coming down from a fairly intense musical journey.
And we really put ourselves out there.
It was pretty emotional.
Why are all your instruments still in their cases? Why are you here? Because, you know, from the looks of it, it seems like you aren't really a band at all.
You're just a bunch of guys sitting around watching TV.
Check your wife.
That's crazy.
We're a real band.
We're a hard-rocking American good-time band.
Okay.
Prove it.
Play something.
Okay.
All right.
We could play a little something.
What do you say? Let's strap up, guys, and rock this joint, huh? Uh, Ed, what are we gonna play? Just sit down.
Sit down.
You guys take requests? No, we do not.
We play just original stuff, very free-form.
So I'm gonna have to ask you to open up your mind.
I've only got three strings on my guitar.
Just be cool, man, all right? I think we're gonna start in the key of G unless anyone has a better key.
Anyone? Anybody? Okay, Cofeld, why don't you Why don't you count us in? One.
Two.
One, two, three, go.
We can't play! We can't play anything! We played one song 10 years ago at a farmer's market and it was pretty bad.
It was really bad.
Look, just don't tell my wife, okay? Look, I got baby triplets at home, and I'm a good father, and I'm with them a lot, but I am completely exhausted.
And, see, this band is my only time to sleep.
So, you see, I can't let you leave here and tell anybody about this.
Okay? I'm just not gonna let that happen.
What the hell is happening to my fun zone? I can't believe you, Jeff.
You're hiding from me.
We've only been married three months and you'd rather be out here with strangers than with me in the shower, naked.
Sweetie, I'm sorry, okay? Look, this was never about you, okay? This was just about me needing to get away from you.
Bail out, Woodcock.
Bail out.
Honey, look.
Come on.
You got to be getting at least a little sick of me, too, right? No, I'm not.
I want to be with you.
I'm not like Joy.
I'm not happy you're in a fake band so I can go off and do my own thing.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait What's all this about Joy being happy? Oh.
Nothing.
She's not happy.
Wait.
Did she tell you that she knows that this is a fake band? Did she tell you that? Maybe.
Well, that's impossible because if she knows, then why isn't she the one here giving me crap? 'Cause she had theater tickets.
Wait a minute.
Dreamcoat's in town.
That Donny Osmond is just a delight.
I mean, 20, 40, 60, whatever age, the guy just brings it.
I know.
It's only act one, and already this is better than the London production.
And I was dating Joseph.
You weren't.
Yes, I was.
Care for a Whopper? Oh, don't you look comfy? What are you doing here? Well, I can't believe, that this whole time you would let me think that you're slaving away, and it turns out you're taking in Broadway musicals.
Do you do this every time I have band practice? No, not at all.
Sometimes I go to day spas.
Wine tastings.
Gallery openings.
That's where I met Charles.
Do you know Charles? No, I don't know Charles.
Who the hell is Charles? This is Charles, this is my husband Eddie.
Hi.
Oh, thank you so much for letting me borrow her.
My husband's a FedEx pilot and he is never in town.
He has a husband.
I'm gonna go get some wine.
Je reviens tout de suite.
Oui.
D'accord.
What, did you two just talk French to each other? We took a class at the Learning Annex.
What is going on here? I don't see what the big deal is.
We both have our things.
You're in a band.
Yeah, yeah, a fake band that you knew about, and it's basically just four guys hiding out in a sweaty garage that smells like onions, feet and ass.
And you made me feel guilty about that.
Meanwhile, you're living the high life with a guy that has the most beautiful skin I've ever seen.
All right, fine, Eddie.
I was lying.
But you know what? You were lying, too.
Well Why do we feel like we have to lie to have fun? Why can't we just go off, have a good time, and be happy for each other? I mean, I love you, but somehow the thought of you having too much fun just doesn't feel right to me.
I feel like I'm getting screwed somehow.
Am I a terrible person? Not at all, and I love you, too, but I feel the same way.
Maybe we should start having a little fun together.
You know what? I think that's a great idea.
That seat is empty.
You want to stay for the second act? Oh, yeah, you know what? I caught a few seconds of this thing on the way in and Hmm, I got to tell you.
You know what? I'll tell you what.
How about you, me and Charles, we'll get together at HoJo's after, okay? Pie's on me.
Wow.
I got to go.
Okay.
Bye.
* Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, guys, listen.
I got some great news.
I talked things over with Steph and it turns out she was just more upset because I lied to her.
But she calmed down, and I explained to her that I need some time to myself.
So, except for the ballroom dancing lessons we're taking on Thursdays, I'm wide open.
So I'm back in the band! Yeah.
You know, the funny thing is, is that we've been talking, too, and Guess who's not ever allowed over here again.
Gin? * Yeah!