'Til Death s01e18 Episode Script

I Heart Woodcocks

I want to get married five times.
I wanna get married 'cause I want a bachelor party.
I'll get married as long as my wife is not in my business.
* All right! * Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Okay, okay.
Mmm! Hey, Eddie, hey, man, what Will you scratch my back? Uh No.
Why not? Because guys don't scratch other guys' backs.
It crosses the line.
What line? The "my fingers touching your body" line.
Come on, man, there's nobody here.
Nobody'll see.
Just right here.
Well, I'll see.
And I'll know I did it, and I'm just not ready to deal with those kind of feelings.
What's up, fellas? Woodcock, would you scratch my back? I'd love to.
All right.
Mmm? Oh Yeah? How's that working for you? Oh, yeah.
You want the double claw? Oh, please.
Yeah? Whoo! Okay, okay, you got it! All right, okay, you got it! I'm good.
No means no.
You know what? I'm out of here.
What? Why? 'Cause of him? I'll kick him out.
No, my six-year-old is graduating to yellow belt today.
You know, I thought karate would teach him discipline.
But all he wants to do is kick his brother in the ding-ding.
See you on Sunday? All right.
Think about where you wanna take the wives for dinner.
You got it.
You guys having dinner on Sunday night? Why don't you come over to my place? You know, I'll be honest.
He has a real problem with white people.
Come on.
Steph and I, we've been dying to have a dinner party since we moved in.
We could use our Brady Bunch placemats.
There's six of us, we could be all the kids.
Now how fun does that sound? Wow.
Ah, you jokester.
I'll see you Sunday.
Think of which Brady you want to eat off of.
I call Bobby! So, there I am.
I'm wearing only a poncho and some swim-fins, the nearest payphone.
The guy looks at me straight in the eye, and he screams, "Hibachi!" Hilarious, right? Hilarious.
My face hurts from laughing so much.
I just can't do it anymore.
I don't understand.
So the guy in the van was a pirate? Honey, honey, honey.
Shh! Please, we don't want Jeffrey to tell that whole thing again.
Oh! Has anybody seen that new documentary about the wild dogs of Antigua? Huh? Oh, I'm sorry, is that real? Hey, I have an idea.
Have you guys heard of the book of questions? Oh, is that the fourth Harry Potter? No, that's the Goblet of Fire.
It's okay.
It's okay.
The book of questions is, "An invitation for people to explore "the most fascinating of subjects Themselves.
" Okay, if this party's about to get naked, I'm out.
Okay.
Hey, you, don't do that, look at me.
You're beautiful.
You got nothing to worry about.
The only thing getting exposed tonight are your innermost feelings.
Okay, now the first one is, if you could hear your lover's thoughts, would you want to? You know, I'm not feeling well.
Yeah I What? I got Where are you going? You can't leave.
I have a thing in my ear and my throat, dripping.
What's in your throat? I can't We've gotta Steph, stew Fantastic.
Goodbye.
Hey, how's it going? Good, good.
Listen, Eddie and I feel really badly about ditching you at the Woodcock's last night.
That's okay, Joy.
We actually had a really good time.
Really? After you left, we really connected.
Now that's funny.
Hey, let me ask you something, and you can tell me if this is weird in any way.
Shoot.
We're gonna go mountain biking with Jeff and Steph, and I wanted to ask you first because I know they're your friends, and I didn't want to go behind your back.
Is that cool? Absolutely.
Go have fun.
We have no claim over them.
It's not like we're going steady.
They're free to play the field, sleep around.
Cheltenham Travel.
Oh, hey, Steph, what's up? Oh, sure.
Steph.
For you.
Really? Really.
Hey, girlfriend Oh, yes, we did, too.
Yeah, it was kind of sexy seeing our husbands cry.
Eddie! Hey.
What you eating? Pop-Tart sandwich.
What is that? It's a Pop-Tart in the middle of two frosted Pop-Tarts.
It's the most magnificent thing I ever had in my life.
What's up with you? Well, I had a rather interesting day at work today.
Turns out that the Cofelds had a good time with the Woodcocks after we left.
Really? Mmm-hmm.
And they're going mountain biking together.
But the Woodcocks usually ask us to go mountain biking with them.
I know.
Whoa! They finally have some new friends.
Maybe now they'll leave us alone.
Oh, God, do you know what this means? They're not going to be breathing down our necks anymore.
I can leave the lights on in the living room.
We can use the front door.
I could cook naked again! Or not.
Sorry.
Oh, this is fantastic! The only thing I'll have to endure is that 15-minute ride to school with Jeff and his adult contemporary mix tape.
Oh, God, I love you.
Okay.
You know what? On the counter, on the counter.
No, no, on the table, the table's larger.
No, the bed.
Okay, let's go to the bed.
Let's go to the bed.
Oh, God.
Wait a minute.
Oh, yeah.
If that itch is flaky, tuck in your shirt.
I got enough crap on my couch.
You want to order a pizza? Oh, no, I had a late lunch with Jeff today.
So you seem to be hanging out a lot lately, huh? Yeah, yeah, you know, he's really a good guy.
We have some great conversations.
He's very insightful.
Oh, I wouldn't know.
His voice usually triggers a humming sound in my head.
So, how is he? I haven't seen him in a while.
Is he all right? He's good, man.
He's good.
He just got a new haircut.
Oh? Yeah.
It's a little shorter than usual, but with his bone structure, he pulls it off.
Yeah, he's got those high cheekbones and pretty features like a China Doll.
What? Nothing.
Come in.
Where is he? I've been waiting out in the car for 15 minutes.
Come on, Jeffrey, we're late.
You can put your makeup on in the car.
I'm sorry.
You didn't get Jeff's message? He and Cofeld are working out in the mornings now.
So he doesn't need to car pool with you anymore.
Oh, that's good.
Great, Jeff and Cofeld working out together, huh? There's a shower I'm happy to skip.
All right, let's, uh, keep it PG, huh? * The cat's in the cradle and the silver bell * Little Boy Blue and the man in the shoes * When you comin' home, Dan * I don't know, Dan * We'll get together, Dan, yeah * You know we'll have a good time, Dan * What are you doing? Staring into the Woodcocks' house? No.
No.
I mean, uh, it's weird.
They went out for yogurt, like, an hour ago, and they're not back.
Well, you don't miss them, do you? Miss them? No.
Oh, good, good.
Me neither, me neither.
It is odd though.
You know, they always used to ask us to go have yogurt with them.
And we usually say "no" because yogurt's gross.
But It's still nice to be asked.
Am I right? Right.
I mean, you know, what does it take to Oh, my God, I miss them so much.
Me, too.
What the hell is going on? I don't know.
I mean, the Woodcocks annoy us, right? Totally.
They're always up in our face.
It's just I miss Jeff's smile.
How did this happen? You know what, the other night I actually tried to imagine his face, and I couldn't.
The closest I got was K.
D.
Lang.
You know what? You know what this is like? This is like this guy in high school that I never even looked twice at, and then he got a girlfriend, and I just had to have him.
And, of course, you know, he married her, and he got rich, and I missed out on what could've been a wonderful and exciting life.
I mean, not as good as this.
Hey, here they come.
Here they come.
Where? Oh, look at them walking in, still crazy from their yogurt high.
What are we gonna do? Let's call them.
It's a good idea.
Gonna call them on the phone, and see what I can't believe it.
I got butterflies.
Hello? Yes, Jeffrey Woodcock, please? Yeah, Eddie, it's me.
What's going on? Oh, hey, hi, uh, you know, Joy and I were just wondering if you and your lovely wife wanna go out Saturday.
Maybe, uh, cocktails? Dinner? Or dancing? Please, don't say dancing.
Uh, yeah, let me, uh Let me check with Steph.
It's Eddie.
They want to go out Saturday night.
We have the Cofelds Saturday.
So what do I tell them? Just tell them we have plans.
Uh, Eddie, we have plans.
Oh, okay.
They got plans.
Ask them what they're doing? I think that's a little forward.
Just ask them.
What are you, uh What are you doing? Uh They wanna know what we're doing.
Make something up.
You know I don't like to lie.
Okay, give me the phone, and I'll do it.
I'll lie about anything.
Oh.
I see.
Okay, maybe, um Maybe some other time then.
Right.
They're going to Mexico.
What? Mexico? I panicked! This is why I don't like to lie.
I don't like sneaking around.
Look, I'm getting that nervous rash on my belly.
Jeff, trust me, this is the best way.
I've been through this kind of situation before.
In college, I was dating these two guys at the same time.
I felt horrible about it.
One of them was, like, intellectual and athletic and super sexual.
And the other one was, like, artistic and spiritual and Super sexual.
Are you getting to a point? The point is, I felt so guilty about it, I told them about each other.
They both got angry and broke up with me.
Had I not said anything, I would've been able to keep both lovers.
Okay, that story barely has anything to do with this.
It's unrelated, and it's hurtful.
Okay, I'll take the, uh, Milk Duds and the Red Vines.
And the Goobers.
And what, exactly, are Fudgey Friends? I don't know, sir.
Okay, I'll take two of those.
Oh, my God, but I never knew they had dogs in Antigua.
I know.
Well, well, well, what have we here? Hello, Jeffrey, Stephanie.
Or should I say, "Buenos noches"? Well, isn't this a kick in the Chicklets? I told you they weren't going to Mexico.
Fool me once, shame on What is it? Eddie, Eddie, look, I can explain See, in college, I had these two lovers Steph! I don't see what the problem is.
You guys said they were boring.
Oh, I did not say that.
Actually, last week, when I was telling you about my master's thesis, you said, "Boring," and did this little dance with your hands.
That does kind of sound like you, kiddo.
Well, that doesn't justify you lying to us.
Does anybody hear my car alarm? Whoa, hey, come on, guys.
Don't leave.
Can I just say something out loud that we all know? You guys don't like us.
You're actually pretty mean to us most of the time.
Oh, that's crazy.
No, it's not.
When we call to ask you out, you don't pick up.
We know you're home.
We've seen you through the window cooking naked.
Okay, look, so we lied to you.
So we wanted to spend an evening with the Cofelds alone.
You know, we actually made friends who enjoy spending time with us, who make an effort to get know us, you know, and connect with us on a pretty deep level.
We can be deep.
Can't we, honey? Deep? Freakin' "A" right deep.
No, the point is we actually enjoy each other's company.
And you wouldn't have wanted to come to this movie anyway.
When I mentioned this documentary, you laughed at me.
I wasn't laughing at you.
It's just I like being around you guys so much, that I-I-I get nervous, so I giggle.
Eddie, hey, come on, man, we're different people with different interests.
You know, we're not a great fit.
It's okay.
I That is not true.
We are interested in the same stuff you're interested in.
Look, I'll tell you what.
Let's go out tomorrow and pick whatever you want to do, and we'll do it, too.
It's Sunday.
We're going to church.
Are you serious? Well, I Think it's fair to say we're slightly over-dressed.
We look like Mr.
and Mrs.
Matlock.
Well, do you see them? There.
Right there.
Hello, good morning, uh, yes, party of two.
And we would love something down front.
I'm sorry.
The only remaining seats are in the back.
All right, I get how this works.
Thank you.
That's very generous.
Hey.
What just happened to my five? Let's just sit down.
Jeffrey! Jeff! Steph! They can't hear us.
We can't compete with that crazy organ.
Good morning.
Before we begin, why don't we take this opportunity to turn to our neighbors and let them know how happy we are to celebrate with them today.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I have no peripheral vision in my, um, hat.
Your friendship is a blessing.
You're my dog.
Look at that.
They're practically making out.
I should be the meat in that man sandwich.
In today's gospel, we'll be reminded that Jesus often spent time with society's outcasts.
Prostitutes, lepers, people unwanted by others but accepted totally by him.
Which raises the question, is there someone in your life whom you've rejected, without making the effort to find out the special traits God has bestowed on him? There's someone in my life.
Eddie, that's a rhetorical question.
No, no, I have to do this.
Please forgive me, because I don't know all of your traditions, priest, as I am a Hebrew.
But one thing I do know is I have sinned.
I have refused to associate with the outcasts in my life.
Would you two please stand? Stand? Stand up.
Will you No? Okay.
Good.
Jeff and Steph Woodcock are my leper and prostitute.
And until recently, my wife and I have taken their friendship for granted.
While at the same time, they have totally accepted who we are.
And God knows that that's not an easy thing.
So, Joy and I just want you both to know that we value your friendship and sincerely hope that you can forgive us for not accepting you in the same spirit as you have accepted us.
And we're sorry.
Come here.
Could we switch seats? I'm having a little moment with my friends here.
Could we No? Okay.
All right.
Why don't you just stay put? Okay.
Um And you, fantastic, with the * Hey, hey * Ooh! Hey, man.
Hey.
You want me to scratch your back? Double claw me, but don't tell anyone.
Hey, how about you do me after?