'Til Death s01e21 Episode Script

Webby's Not Happy

I think you should give a girl a small ring or Well, it's depending on how much money you have.
It just needs to be bigger than all my other friend's rings.
I think that you should get a girl a big ring because if you ever get in a fight, you could just say, "Hey, I got you this big ring, so back off.
" * All right! * Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Come on, Joy.
Hurry up.
He's going to be here any minute.
Eddie, Webbie comes back to Philly every year, and each time you see him, you act like you're about to lose your virginity.
Joy, let me tell you, Webbie is a lot more fun than something that happened in the back of my uncle's van.
He's untamed.
He's unwed.
He has no responsibilities.
Do you know that he's a ski instructor every winter in Aspen? And in the summer, he can pick what island he wants to bartend on, huh? I know.
He's the James Bond of unemployed middle-aged men.
He's here! How are my bangs? Webbie! Eddie! The Web man.
Spinnin' his web.
Charlotte's Webbie.
Mister Ed, Eddie Munster, Ed Asner.
Spud Webb, World Wide Webbie, little black sitcom kid known as Webster! Ah, Joy.
Joy to the world, Joy Luck Club.
We're all 40.
* Ooh, ooh So, I'm in this bar in Buffalo.
How in the world do you end up in Buffalo? Well, I was ice-fishing on Lake Erie, and I got a hankering for some wings.
Anyway, somebody breaks out the darts.
No, they didn't.
Did you know that Webbie is a dart-throwing champion? I know.
Long story short, three hours later, I own the bar.
You own a bar in Buffalo? Wow.
Webbie owns a bar now.
I'm in the room.
Well, for 15 minutes, I did.
The owner won it back from me on a bet.
It turns out he really did have three testicles.
I love that.
You know, Webbie, you are the only guy that could tell that story at dinner and still make it charming.
Oh, I don't know, Joy.
You've told some pretty charming stories, too.
Like the one about you throwing up that daiquiri and it was still cold.
Brain freeze coming and going.
Count me in.
Hey, rain-check me on that famous chocolate pudding, Joy.
Oh, no.
A guy I met on the plane just invited me to an underground Cuban cigar club in the hull of a ship.
I'll see you tomorrow, guy.
All right, my brother.
Let me know how this goes.
All right.
All right.
There goes the guy.
Damn it, is that a guy! He sure knows how to live, huh? Yeah.
I don't think Webbie's happy.
What? Yeah.
All the adventures and all the women.
I mean, at some point, you got to feel sorry for the guy, right? I mean, it's like he's running from something.
Um, I think he's running to something.
The hull of a ship with cigar-smokin' Russian models.
I don't think he mentioned Russian models.
He didn't? Oh, I think that's just something I added in my head.
But still, you know, he I think he's lonely.
I mean, people crave companionship, and Webbie doesn't have that.
Well, didn't you hear him earlier? He had two companionships last week, and they overlapped.
That's not happiness.
I'm pretty sure it is.
Listen, you know, I think I know what's going on here, Joy.
Oh, really? What? Yeah, I'll tell you what it is.
You just hate the fact that a man could be happy outside of a marriage.
No, I do not.
Yeah, you do.
You see, because he is out there in the jungle swingin' free, and it threatens you.
Because you figure, well, if he could be genuinely happy, then what the hell am I doing locked up here in the zoo, right? Okay.
When have I ever locked you up? You never leave the house.
I'm just saying that Webbie's never had the kind of intimacy that comes with a long-term relationship.
All right, look.
Don't take this wrong, Joy, but the worst five minutes of Webbie's day would be, like, the highlight of my year.
I'm going to set him up with someone.
Do not say Janet.
What's wrong with Janet? Other than the hump? It is not a hump.
It is a growth, it is harmless, and it is mostly fluid.
Well, hell, in that case, I want her.
She's a great person once you get to know her.
Oh, she's a great person, huh? I can't bring that to Webbie.
You got to give me somethin' to work with.
What do you mean, like perky breasts? Okay.
Perky would get her a lunch, yeah.
Oh, I got it.
Oh, okay.
I don't even know who Denise is, but no.
Why not? Well, how great can Denise be? She wasn't even your first choice.
She is new in my office.
She's 35, great-looking, never been married Oh, yeah.
Thirty-five and never been married.
What the hell's wrong with her? Okay.
Webbie's never been married, and you think the guy should be an action figure.
Have you been looking at my sketch pad? She's great.
I'm doing this.
I did not want to have to play this card, but I'm going to.
I forbid you to call her.
Hey, Denise.
It's Joy.
I forbid you! Yeah.
How's it going? Forbid you! Yeah, that's Eddie.
He's forbidding me to call you.
Okay, just so you know, the amusement park is closed.
* Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Steph, were you cutting your nails in bed? I don't cut them.
I bite them.
Thanks for clearing that up.
What do you think of my new blouse? That's, uh That's cute.
You hate it.
No, I don't.
I just said to you it's cute.
Cute is what you say when you hate something.
Well, then that's really cute.
I can't believe you.
This is, like, the best shirt I've ever owned.
Honey, if you were holding a sword, you could be on a playing card.
Everyone in the store said it looked great.
Hey, baby, look.
I could have taken the easy way out here.
I could have lied and said you look fantastic and just let you walk right out that door, but I love you too much to do that.
So, as uncomfortable as this may be, I'm going to be honest with you.
God! That's so ugly! It's amazing.
Hey, guys.
Oh, hey, Joy.
Oh, who's your, uh Who's your friend? Oh, my friend is Denise.
Hey, Denise, hi.
Come over here.
So this is the famous Denise? Yeah, well, nice try.
She is not Webbie's type.
Yeah? Her breasts are real, and she used to be a gymnast.
Are you serious? I'm Webbie.
I work with Joy.
Denise loves to travel.
And she's a terrific skier.
And, um, she used to date women.
Just when I was modeling.
You know, you're in Paris, you share a room with five girls, one shower.
Oh, I love this game.
Check this out.
If you press the triangle and pull down both triggers, you can make Derek Jeter spit.
Son of a bitch, that's cool.
If you want to see Jeter really spit, I have an extra seat to the Yankees' season opener.
I'd love to go.
Yeah? Yeah.
Ooh, sounds like a date.
But you said you were taking me to the game, Webbie.
Oh, well, sorry, champ.
I only got two ducats, and the lady has a nicer smile.
Well, I can get whitening strips.
* Ooh, ooh Trust me, Webbie's thing with Denise is not going to last.
He's a free spirit.
He's not going to settle down in the burbs with little Miss Real Breasts.
Oh, I hate to break it to you, but he's been spending so much time at her apartment, she gave him a drawer.
A drawer? That's right.
Well, what kind of a drawer? Like a big, deep sweater drawer or just a little skinny one on top? All I know is he's got stuff at her place.
They're a couple, Eddie.
Deal with it.
I cannot.
In fact, you want to see Webbie so badly? Watch this.
Oh, look, don't even bother.
I just tried him three times.
I'm not calling Webbie.
Hey, Denise.
It's me.
Listen, we're going to go to dinner tonight with our neighbors Steph and Jeff, and want to know if you guys want to go.
Austin's Grill, 8:00.
You will see your beloved Webbie tonight at 8:00, and Denise told me that he says hi.
That's right.
You talk through the ladies now.
You just had to do it, didn't you? You see a magnificent creature running free and wild on the savanna, and you have to shoot it with a dart and drag it into a cage and give it a drawer.
Well, you know what? Webbie's not happy.
He can't live in captivity.
He'll die.
* Oh, oh, oh, oh Jeff, hurry up.
If we're late for dinner, Eddie will order for us again, and he always gets me some sort of grilled baby animal.
Whoa! Whoa! What are you wearing? My new blouse.
I thought we agreed you'd return that to the store or to the crew of the Starship Enterprise.
For your information, I went back to the store and put it on again, and four new people loved it, including the security guard, who said it was so me.
The security guard.
Well, he is very, very stylish.
One clomping orthopedic shoe and a whistle.
Jeff, I can't believe how mean you're being.
When you grew that silly mustache last year, I was completely supportive.
You didn't like the 'stache? Um, for the first three months, I didn't even know it was a mustache.
Okay, freak shirt, all right, gloves are off here.
"Freak shirt"? I fought three women for this shirt.
Three of them, huh? Were they all pregnant clowns? Check this out.
That's right.
Say hello to a whole lot of handsome.
What? I have a mustache.
I've seen more hair on fruit.
I look like Tom Selleck.
At age 12.
You were great in the Thriller video, by the way.
My nana called, and she wants her mustache back.
* Oh, oh, oh! * Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Thank you.
Yeah? Do you mind if I sit next to Denise? I thought we were going to go boy, boy, girl, girl, because that seems to make the most sense, but whatever.
It's great to see you guys.
Webbie, you clean up nice.
Long pants, socks.
Denise got 'em for me.
I'm wearing underwear, too.
It's comforting.
Feels like I'm getting a tiny, little hug down there.
So, Denise, are you the one that Joy keeps telling me about, the one at work who keeps clogging the toilet? That wasn't me.
Oh, 'cause you seem like a toilet-clogger.
Ooh, look, they have spinach salad.
Ooh, that sounds good.
Salad? They went to all the trouble to kill these cows.
I think the least we can do is eat 'em.
Actually, Bill asked me to help him watch his calories.
Who's Bill? I am.
Bill Webster.
Oh, yeah.
I know.
I know.
I knew that.
I met his family.
Have you met his family? Yes.
You have? Mmm-hmm.
They're nice, right? Hey! Here's Steph and Jeff.
Come here, you guys.
This is the famous Webbie, and Denise.
Very nice to meet you.
This is Jeff and Steph.
Steph, that top is so fun.
Thank you, Joy.
You know what else is fun? Pogo sticks.
You don't wear 'em, though.
What's happening to your lip? A mustache.
Filled in with some of my mascara.
So, uh, Webbie, you and Denise, you seem to be keeping busy.
Oh, we had a blast today.
We went pillow shopping.
Oh, God.
That sounds fun.
Well, tell them what happened.
Actually, it's a funny story.
We get to the store, and the parking lot is a nightmare.
So we're circling and circling, and then I spot a guy headed for his car.
So I start following him for, like, five minutes.
Turns out, he's just getting something out of his trunk.
That's common.
That's the worst story I ever heard.
It's It's not even a story.
It's called looking for parking.
Well, maybe you had to be there.
Had to be there? No one had to be there.
Nothing happened.
Who keeps kicking me? Anyway, I I got a good firm pillow.
There's no way I'm spending the summer on those puffy, girlie pillows Denise has.
Oh, did you hear that? He's going to be sleeping on Denise's pillows this summer.
You know what? I think it's great you went pillow shopping as a couple.
Otherwise, who knows what kind of freaky, ugly thing your woman was going to come home with? Am I right? Huh? I'm a freak? You look like you deliver baguettes in the morning.
That's pretty funny there, Sergeant Pepper.
Oh, what's the matter? Cat got your tongue? Or did the words come out of your mouth, see your shirt, get scared, and then run away? Oh.
baby, I'm sorry.
Come on, don't cry.
You know that when you cry, I cry.
I just thought this was a great shirt and you loved me, but obviously you're not attracted to me, and you wish you were married to somebody else.
No! Baby, come on.
I love your shirt because you're in it.
And I love your fuzzy face.
Yeah? Look at you.
Your mascara's running.
So is yours.
Come on.
Let's go clean you up.
Excuse us.
Actually, I could use a little freshening up myself.
I'll go with you.
Excuse us.
It's what we do.
Okay, excuse us.
Isn't Denise great? I never thought I would like stuff like crossword puzzles and grocery shopping, but with her, even the- even the small stuff is fun.
Yesterday, she showed me how to pick out a melon.
Tap, tap, shake.
Tap, tap, shake.
This isn't how we talk about melons.
What's happening to you, Webbie? Is she holding you against your will? Okay, okay.
You don't have to say out loud.
Just blink twice.
You're too scared to blink, aren't you? Eddie, I'm happy with Denise.
Sure you are.
Is she giving you vitamins in the morning? Because they may not be vitamins! I'm serious.
I started looking back on my life, and you know what it is? Man-tastic.
Yes, but that's all it is.
I mean, suddenly, the travel, the bar fights, the menage a troises They all just They seem hollow.
You shut up! I'm sorry, Eddie.
This is what makes me happy.
Well, that's just selfish.
* Oh, oh * Yow! * Ooh, ooh, ooh They have a pineapple mojito here that is Oh, my God! Help me.
Excuse me? Webbie is driving me nuts.
What? It's just everything.
He's just so needy and clingy and suffocating.
He dragged me pillow shopping, and then he's all, "Can I have a drawer for my things?" Finally I gave him one of those little skinny ones on top just to shut him up.
I thought you were bringing me a man, not a neutered house cat.
Well, but But Webbie's great.
He's wild.
Yeah, he really tore the roof off Linens 'n Things.
I'm going to go back out there with a smile on my face, but this evening has got to end soon.
If you order dessert, I will kill you.
All right.
Well, that was an interesting evening.
All right, just say it.
They're happy.
You win.
Webbie's happy in a relationship, and I am, too.
And I'm sorry about what I said, that stuff about being locked up in a zoo.
I love the zoo.
I do.
It always has clean facilities, and I never miss a feeding, and I'm still very much in love with my zookeeper.
And I got myself a good monkey.
You know, I never really wanted to be Webbie.
It was just that it's kind of nice having someone out there swinging free in the jungle, you know.
I don't know.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe at the end of the day, we all crave companionship.
And, hey, if that's what Webbie found, then good for him.
About that.
You know, the thing with Denise and Webbie probably isn't going to work out.
She told me in the bathroom that she's gonna break up with him.
What? Why would anybody break up with Webbie? Well, it turns out that Webbie is Too much man for one woman.
Webbie belongs to the world.
You learned a little lesson, huh? Trying to fix Webbie up.
You wanted to tame Webbie, but you can't.
Okay, sweetie.
Can't tame Webbie, the same way that you can't grab hold of the wind.
No, you cannot grab the wind.
That's right.
You're damn right.
It can't be done.
Cannot be done.
He is magnificent! * Oh, oh
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