'Til Death s02e01 Episode Script

Performance Anxiety

'Til death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
Hey,I'm headed into the kitchen.
Want me to grab that? No.
I'm holding onto the wine until they see that I brought it.
What are you eating? Turkey and pastrami on rye.
I didn't see that anywhere.
I got it out of the fridge.
Are you a sociopath? You're at a birthday party.
You eat the food that they serve.
Joy.
look at this.
and look at me.
They're lucky I'm not eating the guests.
Do you guys mind writing down your favorite anecdote about steph? Well,I did walk in on her in the bathroom earlier, but that one's not for sharing.
Here.
Give me the card.
"This is gay.
" There's gay people here.
Here.
It was expensive.
Are you eating my lunch for tomorrow? No.
I brought this with me.
Hey,hon.
Deb and mindy have to go.
It's jell-o shot night at goose mcgill'S.
Hey,I bet bill cosby could have used a few jell-o shots when he was filming those commercials.
Now,kids,you got to tell your dad to get a job so you don't have to act to pay the rent.
Jeff,is it ok if we bring the cake out now? We don't want to miss her blowing out her candles.
All 25 of them! Oh,my god.
You are so old! Remember your 21st birthday when those navy S.
E.
A.
L.
S snuck us back into their barracks? Here.
Uh,thank yoU.
Um,so-so it-it's kind of early for cake,isn't it? I mean,I thought that joy and I would be long-gone by then,huh? Listen.
you're not going to sing that happy birthday thing,are you? Yeah.
Why,what's wrong? You'll see.
Happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday,dear stephanie eee happy birthday to you and many more! That was a fun party,huh? Yeah.
Most of it.
Want to have a little more fun? I do like fun.
Darling,you send me darling, you send me honest, you do honest,you do- honest,you do whoa- you know what? You know what? Let's talk,huh? Dirty talk? Dirty talk,clean talk.
Something without a melody.
What's going on? Honey.
there's this thing that you do,often in public.
it's your singing.
My singing? You think my singing is bad? No,it's spectacular.
Inappropriately so.
You see,honey,you're an over-singer.
Society has set a certain level of singing oh.
Which is right about here,ok? You? You sing,you're,like,all up in here.
This is your singing.
It's like you swallowed mariah carey,all right? Take tonight,for example.
Everyone sang happy birthday in nice,inside voices.
You sang it like you were auditioning for wicked.
Listen,I have a big,powerful,beautiful voice.
I think my singing was the highlight of that party.
I did a freakin' key change! People love that! Ok.
Again,people in the audience at wicked.
You know,for a straight guy, you're throwing a lot of wicked references around.
All righ I am just trying to spare you from embarrassing yourself in the future.
Are you worried about me embarrassing me,or me embarrassing you? Must they be mutually exclusive? Boy,you actively don't want sex tonight.
And you know what? I do have to say that's another thing.
When you're trying to seduce a man- when I am trying to seduce a man? Eddie,when my earrings hit the dresser,you're oiled up from head to toe.
When you're trying to seduce a man with song, you don't just belt it out.
You do it soft,kittenish.
You understand? Like a kitten.
I understand what kittenish means,yes.
Do you? You're a moron.
Well,at least I don't scat the star spangled banner at high school basketball games.
And the home of the Ok.
Thanks for a great night.
Actually,you know what,honey? It's,uh - it's not over yet.
I saved the best.
for last.
Oh,my god! See,I know how much you've been wanting that watch.
And now it's yours.
Oh,I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Mwah! I should punch you right in your fat mouth.
Fat mouth,you're funny.
Come on,campgirl.
Let's get you some birthday sex.
Jeff,you knew that I wanted this watch as a gift for when I finish my thesis.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah,I know.
I just thought I'd give it to you early,since- since you don't think I'm ever going to get my master's 'cause you don't believe in me and you never did.
I swear to god,since day one, you've been all up in my grill just 'cause I'm not done yet.
Look,I'm sorry,jeff.
I'm not you.
I'm not such a good speller I got to meet the president.
Do you have any idea what writing a thesis involves? Well,after observing you for the past year, I'm going to go with waking up at 11:00, eating cocoa krispies, and watching old episodes of dallas on soapnet.
You think I'm not working every day on this thing? Here.
- Test me.
- Oh,come on,steph.
Do it! Ask me anything about the french revolution.
All right.
Ok.
when is bastille day? Ok.
it's also my mom's birthday.
It's also 10 days after july 4.
July 14! I knew that! I am finishing my thesis! And you can take back your slap-in-the-face watch and the girly box it came in until I do! Ok.
Fine.
You know what? I'll do this.
I'll hold onto it until you finish.
You know? Maybe I'll even fly over in a jetpack,and then I'll give it to you, 'cause that's how long in the future it's going to be.
They're actually- they're actually going to have jetpacks in the future when they do that.
You see-I hate when it sticks to itself! Um,why are deb and mindy sleeping on our couch? They drank too much at goose mcgill'S.
The bartender found my birthday invitation on them and sent 'em here in a cab.
Ok.
So my best friend from magic camp can't stay here for a long weekend, but we just roll out the red carpet for easy and easier? I can't believe you got her that watch.
Divorced at 21,right? That's a big surprise.
What are you doing,honey? Working on my thesis.
Yeah,suck on that.
Well,honey,that is great.
Yeah.
I just banged out 20 pages on the social burdens caused by huge war debt, made worse by the monarchy's military failures and general ineptitude.
My girl's wicked smart! If I could just barf,I'd feel so much better.
Oh,honey! I am so proud of you! And you know what? I know you were mad at me for getting you that watch, but if that's what it took to light a fire under you,then I am not sorry.
I'm sorry.
Good morning.
The best part of waking up is folger's in your cup ok.
Obviously,this isn't over.
Listen,joy,what I said last night about your singing- it was not a negative.
It was a positive,constructive thing.
Think of me as your mirror.
Now,you don't get angry at your mirror when you look at it in the morning and you see a blemish.
So just check with me before leaving the house every day, and you'll be good to go.
So,you're going to be my mirror? Maybe I should be your mirror.
If I needed a mirror,my love,you would be it.
Oh,I think you need one.
Oh,really? How's that? Well,you do a lot of embarrassing stuff,too,you know.
I mean,you tell those corny jokes.
What corny jokes? How about when we're on a curb,and a limo pulls up.
You say.
there's my ridE.
Or when we're walking down the street and someone is approaching with flowers,you say.
you shouldn't have.
Yeah.
It's pretty brutal.
Is it? Ok.
Well,I'll take that under advisement.
Thank you.
You're very welcome.
And you know what? Since we're helping each other out.
yes? Let's talk about mount inappropriate.
Ok.
What about it? Well,I've noticed that it's hard for people to focus when having a conversation with you, what with the 2 bald-headed gentlemen struggling to get out of your shirt.
Ok.
Can't really control what god gave me,now,can I? No,you can'T.
But you could always use the buttons that come with the clothing.
Let's talk about your celebrity impressions.
Careful,joy.
I mean,I don't think that anybody really wants to hear how ricky ricardo would read off of a menu, especially in a french restaurant.
It doesn't make any sense.
Joy.
- Now,I have some esplainin' to do! - Oh,here it comes! Yeah,here it comes because people love my impressions.
My impressions are dead on! Maybe that's because everyone they're of is dead.
Bill cosby and al pacino are very much alive.
You don't think your impressions are annoying? Ask anyone.
They will tell you.
Oh,I will ask anybody.
And they will tell you that your singing and your back-up singers are out of control! I just need you to tell my wife that the world is horrified by her singing and ginormous cleavage.
I think you need to tell eddie that his jokes and his impressions weren't even funny when they were on laugh-in.
Come on.
you're looking at her breasts,aren't you? This is exactly what I'm talking about.
Look,if you guys want to know the truth, I've seen some eye-rolling about both of you.
What? Steph,come on.
That's not true.
Yeah,it is.
You're both ridiculous.
So is that how all of you feel? Deb? Mindy? Oh,are you that freaky happy birthday singing chick? Perhaps.
What about this? Inappropriate? It's a bit much.
For my taste.
And she stripped to pay for her junior year abroad.
Oh,my god.
But - but you laughed at my bill cosby impression.
I didn't know that was bill cosby.
I thought that was your weird way of hitting on me, and I laughed 'cause I thought it was funny that you were hitting on me.
'Cause you're so old.
Thank you for your candor.
Ok.
This is good.
We're very dignified.
It's the new us.
No more singing.
No more impressions.
We will honor the teaching career of herb wallach without being sideshow freaks.
Well,I still have that height thing, but other than that.
hey,guys! How are you guys doing? Great.
We've eliminated music,fun,and breasts from our lives.
Hey,honey,do you happen to know what time it is? I know it's time to celebrate, 'cause I finished my master's thesis! What up,new watch! I don't want to interrupt anyone's fun.
I just want to say thank you for this lovely party, and especially for the last 40 years.
Teaching has been my joy.
Of course,if I never see a red pen again,it's ok with me.
No,I'm just kidding.
I've got no beef with red pens.
Anyway,thank you.
Thank you all very much.
You know,my husband used to apologize to me because he was just a teacher and couldn't afford to give me the things he thought I might have wanted.
But,herb,I want to tell you,I wouldn't change a thing.
Brandon,hit it.
Now,I've had the time of my life no, I never felt this way before yes, I swear it's the truth and I owe it all to you 'cause I've had the time of my life and I- Oh,honey,I think I forgot the words.
Brandon,you just keep on playing.
I'll get it.
Get up there.
What? She needs help.
Go ahead.
Get up there.
I can'T.
People will think that I am ridiculous.
Well,let 'em,'cause you know what? I was wrong.
I never should have opened up my big mouth.
If I had,you'd still be a bubbly,happy person, instead of this beaten-down,lifeless dullard.
Now,go ahead.
Get up there and embarrass me,yourself, and everyone else in this joint.
Because that's the woman I married.
I'll just help her a little.
Ahh,that a girl.
Wait,wait,wait.
Nobody puts these babies in a corner.
One thing I can't get enough of So I'll tell you something this could be love because I've had the time of my life no, I never felt this way before never felt this way! It's the truth and I owe it all to you with my body and soul I want you more than you'll ever know so we'll just let it go don't be afraid to lose control ladies and gentlemen, mr.
Louis armstrong! Just remember You're the one thing I can't get enough of - so I'll tell you something - oh,what is it,baby? This could be love it could.
Because I've had the time of my life and though I never felt this way before never felt this way Oh, it's true it's the truth yeah,baby.
And i owe it all to you 'cause I oh,yeah I've had yes, I had the time of my life time of my life! ladies and gentlemen** ** Uh,no,no- it's time for me,darling,to do a number.
You are the cat who did that to me babe I'm so proud that you got your master'S.
My baby is a master! Master of the universe! Grand master flash! It is my honor to serve you,master! It's from I dream of jeannie.
Yeah.
I dream of you never doing that again.
You're going to go out and you're going to be a teacher.
Oh,it's going to be great! I can't teach with just a master'S.
You need a ph.
D.
Nowadays.
So,you're going to go for a ph.
D.
? No way! Those are really hard.
So,why did you get a master's,exactly? Well,academic advancement.
Personal fulfillment.
I am so angry right now.
Are you ready,grandpa? Uh,give me a "c," a bouncy "C.
" Oh,eddie,you shouldn't have! There you go,lily.