'Til Death s02e14 Episode Script

Second Marriage Guy

proudly presents sync:YTET-»ð¼ý Season2 Episode14 til death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
All right,I'm going to karl's to watch the eagles game.
Ok,what time are you gonna be home? I don't know.
Late,I guess.
Well,what time? Probably after you're asleep.
Ok,I'm gonna need something with an o'clock or a 30 at the end of it.
Well,why? I mean,if you're already asleep, what difference does it make what time i come home? Just give me a time so this conversation doesn't end in a murder suicide.
- Ok,11:30.
- Have fun.
Oh,hey,on your way home, will you pick up some milk? Milk.
Got it.
Uh,write it down so you don't forget.
Honey,I'm not gonna forget.
Extra large head,extra large brain.
I may look weird in a visor,but I forget nada.
Give me one of those extra large hands.
Why?What are you oh,come on,this is.
milk.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How you doing,karl? Welcome to the pleasure dome.
Karl,this place is awesome.
You got drums,a juke box here.
What,did your wife die? I hope not,'cause she's in the kitchen crushing mint for our mojitos.
Oh,my god.
- Karl,is that a - baby shark? You bet.
Come on,sit,sit.
His wife lets him have a baby shark in the living room? Steph won't even let me do my watercolors in the living room.
Stogies,gentlemen? - Ok.
- All right.
Hey,guys.
Hey,jesse.
I want you to meet the guys.
Eddie here teaches american history and jeff is the vice principal.
Ooh,I like that.
You got vice right in the title.
That's kind of sex-ay.
She thinks i'm sex-ay.
Uh,ok,what do you got there? You're not smoking one of my cubans,are you? Mucho delicioso.
Hey,baby,we're gonna watch the game, so if you could not play your drums.
Oh,yeah,yeah,no problem.
No problem.
I'll just,uh,take it out on you later.
Have fun,guys.
So those are her drums? Yeah,she also plays the bass and the electric flute.
She's a walking jethro tull.
Hey,babe! There's boobies on hbo if you're interested.
You know I am,love.
Don't worry,we won't miss the game.
I've got picture in picture.
What the hell is going on here? What do you mean? Well,your wife,she's so easy-going,cool,happy.
Why? Ahh,ok,I see.
I was married once before.
Jesse's my second wife.
What difference does that make? What difference does that make? You're cute as a button.
Look,the first time you get married, you don't know it's a trap.
They lure you in with, "I love the way you are.
" And then one day,bam! They club you like a baby seal and they're wearing you to the opera.
But the second time, I went in with my eyes open.
I had a whole list.
I told her this is what I want, this is what i don't want.
It's fantastic.
It's marriage,but it's not a pain in the ass.
Who else knows about this? Anyone who's been through the marriage ringer,my friend.
I have a question.
Yes,jeffrey.
When you said list,you mean actual list,like you wrote it down? Yep.
What was on the list? That's a good one.
You name it.
Uh,separate phone lines so we don't have to take messages from each other's friends.
Separate finances so we don't fight over stupid stuff like money.
What about in-laws? All dead! I know what you guys are going through.
You're in the thick of classic first marriage.
I bet your wife makes you dress like that.
Oh,no,no.
I actually picked this out myself.
Anyway.
You gotta clear everything with the wifewhere you're going, who you're gonna be with, how long you're gonna be there, plus,they always make you stop for eggs on the way home.
Not eggs.
Milk.
Eggs.
You know,I just don't understand I don't want to talk for a while,ok? I built a successful marriage over 20 years.
Does anybody give me a head's up about boobies on the tv? No,no boobies for eddie.
Please.
Please,I'm the one who got screwed here.
I'm a newlywed.
I missed this whole list thing by that much.
Your life was ruined a long time ago.
Oh,let's face it,we're both in hell.
I mean,don't get me wrong, my marriage is a blessing.
You guys,I am trying to sleep up there.
Well,maybe you can take it out on me later.
Who smells like cigars? You know,that is very unhealthy.
Blech.
You see that? Jesse doesn't care about what's unhealthy.
All jesse cares about is what's cool.
Damn it! Even her name is cool! Jesse.
Who did I marry? Stephanie.
Please.
Mine's named joy.
Talk about a mislead.
What are you doing? I'm making my second marriage list.
What? I can't wait around for an actual second marriage.
Did you ever see how much water joy drinks in a day? She's gonna live forever.
You know,steph's grandmother, Give me the damn napkin.
Wow,how did you guys hear about this place? Actually,from karl.
Yeah,karl knows his restaurants.
Damn straight.
I'll tell you another thing karl knows marriage.
Man should teach a class on marriage.
Ooh,this chicken dish sounds interesting.
I'm gonna go with the rib eye.
Steak?Honey,no.
You already have way too much red meat in your diet.
Whatwhat is that? It's my,um,napkin list.
What's a napkin list? Well,when we were at karl's the other night, he was telling us how before he got married for the second time, that he actually made up a list of things that he wanted in his marriage.
And,you know,instead of moving on to another wife, because I think you're pretty great,you know, with a couple tweaks,I thought that I would make my list right now so I could dance with the girl what brung me.
Are you insane? Seriously,eddie,that was horrible.
Yeah,do you think before you talk? He has a napkin list,too,everybody.
- Yes.
- What? - This is an outrageous - no,no,no,show - you're gonna show them the list - my jacket! Hey,hey,come on!Get off my jacket! Here what? Great plan,jeff.
Nothing proves your innocence like eating a napkin.
Did you really anticipate this going well, presenting me with a list of demands? Not demands.
Adjustments.
Our marriage is a blessing.
Ok,you're gonna have to take him somewhere and deal with that.
Come on,come on.
What's our goal here? Do you want to make it come down or go up? Ok.
Let's hear this list.
Ok.
But before i read the list, I need you to promise me that you're going to listen with an open mind.
That's better.
I would like to eat whatever I want,whenever I want.
I would like to wear a turtleneck without you comparing me to various 1970s television stars.
I want separate phone lines.
I don't want to have to tell you what time I'm coming home.
- I want a baby shark - ok.
I'm gonna have to stop you there.
What is the big deal about me asking you when you're coming home? Well,why do you even have to ask? Because,we're married.
That's what wives do.
Yeah,first wives.
Oh,my god.
Let me see the rest of this moron manifesto.
Joy,listen to me.
Do you want to be on oprah? What? We do the first second marriage thing, then we write the book,bam! Listen,baby,take this ride with me.
If it'll get you to stop flapping those enormous gums of yours,I'm in.
You know what,guys,just order without us.
Jeff had an allergic reaction to the ink on the napkin, and his head blew up like a pumpkin.
He's waiting for me on the floor of the ladies' room.
I should get back.
He's pretty scared.
Oh,look.
They finally made you an official member of the mod squad.
Buh-buh-buh.
See,now,that sounds like something my first wife used to say.
But my second wife would say neat shirt.
Take me now.
Ok,now that's good,but why not make it great? I-I think it should sound something like I'm not saying it again.
Ok.
Well,as you know,I don't have to tell you where I'm going per our aforementioned napkin agreement, but if you No,no,no,honey, you have your own phone line.
This is eddie's hot line,for my ears only.
Yell-o? Hey,what's shakin',amigo? I don't have to tell you this,but it's karl.
Yeah.
Turtleneck,ribbed.
You'll be pleased.
Ciao.
All right,honey,now I'm going to tell you when I'm going to be home,so look,I don't care where you're going or what time you're gonna be home.
Sweetheart,let me sum this up for you.
You saw a baby shark.
You got your panties all in a twist over it.
Just go do what you've got to do,ok? Oh,believe me,lady.
What I've gotta do is gettin' done.
Your fly's open.
It's the way I want it.
It's my choice,my life,my fly.
That dinner was fantastic.
I am stuffed.
You set a new burger bonanza record.
They're puttin' my picture on the wall, right next to john goodman.
All right,the night is young, we just had dinner,what's next? Anybody,come on,who's got ideas? There are no bad ideas.
Mini-golf.
Bad idea.
Karl,hit me.
There's a tranny bar up yonder that makes a mean appletini.
Or a movie.
Yes.
Movie.
All right,jeffy,hit me with some movie times.
Uh,all righty.
Well,we got a 7:40,missed that.
And I gotta be home by 9:00, so this is not gonna work.
Yeah,steph's still pretty upset about that whole napkin thing, and I gotta show her all the receipts of where I've been,so.
well,there goes the tranny bar.
All right,we got rid of the dead weight.
What's next? Well,it's a school night,and I got a hundred french papers to grade from a hundred kids who can't speak a lick of french, so maybe we should call it a night? How's this for french no way,jose! I made a big deal to joy about how I'm staying out late tonight.
You and I,we're going to watch the sunrise together.
Um,no,we're not.
We're gonna get crazy! Crazy how? I don't know,we're second marriage guys.
I'm sure there's a way for us to get crazy.
Hey,let's take our seatbelts off,huh? You,uh,you got that dinging.
I know it's dingin'.
I like the dingin'.
It's crazy.
Man,this night is finally gettin' into gear.
We're hittin' our stride,huh,karl? Karl,wake up.
Oh,no.
Are we still circling the mall? And you're eating again! I got a ton of energy! Hey,let's go swim in a quarry.
Geez,you're flying,man? What the hell you got in that cup? I combined 3 different energy drinks, plus a splash of cranberry juice.
Cranberry juice?What's that about? Ah,I got a touch of the ouchies when I urinate.
For god sake,sit still! I'm not moving.
Ok,we gotta find a 7-11.
I gotta refill this bitch.
Eddie,slow down.
You're pushing this too hard.
I mean,look at you.
You're stuffed full of cheese steak, you're all hopped up on experimental sodas.
Throttle down,big man.
Time to go home.
I can't go home! I told joy that the night was mine,damn it! That I'm gonna own the night,damn it! You're with me or you're not,damn it! Damn it.
All right.
We're still alive.
We're still here.
We're still rumblin' through the suburbs.
* She said do you come from the land down under? * * Women glow,and men plunder * * Can't you hear,can't you hear the thunder? * * You better run,you better take cover * can I help you find something? Yeah,I'm looking at your energy drinks, and I don't see any chronic lava with extra ginkgo biloba.
I don't think we carry that one.
Too bad,too bad.
So.
lee,huh? I'm looking for a wing man.
What time you get off tonight? I'm off at 11:00,but I have a rage-a-holics meeting at 11:30.
It's not much time,but it does give us a half hour to get drunk in the parking lot.
Ok,lee,I'm gonna walk that way, and I don't want you to follow me.
Ah,milk.
Remember me? Excuse me.
Wife sent you out for milk,too? No.
I'm getting it for myself.
I'm also getting this low-fat cottage cheese,which I love.
Wanna go to a tranny bar? It's a freezing tuesday night in philadelphia.
The time is 10:02.
What,is time moving backwards? * I'll be gone * * I'm all out of love * * I'm so lost without you * * I know you were right believing for so long * * I'm all out of love what am I without you? * * I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong * crazy.
City and listing.
Uh,in cheltenham,for a joy stark.
Sorry,sir,that number is not listed.
What are you talking about? That's my wife.
I'm sorry,it's at the customer's request.
Are you telling me that my own wife doesn't want me to have her phone number? I don't know,sir.
What's going on?What's happening? Well,what's happening is,after consuming and several liters of energy beverages as well as spoonfuls of pineapple cottage cheese that I later discovered was severely expired, I-I fell asleep in the car.
And I haven't looked, but I'm pretty sure that my toes broke off and are rolling around in my shoes like dice.
Anyway.
I realized something,that I'm not cut out for this second marriage stuff.
I was a fool to think that I could improve on what we had.
You ok? Sorry,I thought i was going to throw up again.
Anyway,I figured out, left to my own devices, I would be dead within days.
So,please,joy.
I want our first marriage back.
I remembered to get your milk.
This is eggnog.
I'll be right back.
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