'Til Death s04e23 Episode Script

Sell the House

What are you looking at? I'm looking at our future, Joy-Joy.
It's not pretty.
I see our property values plummeting.
I see a banjo.
That's Doug's.
He got it on some river trip.
He doesn't want to talk about it.
They're never gonna leave us.
They have that orange wire hooked up like an umbilical cord Straight into our bank account.
Why don't we just ask them to go? It's not like we're kicking them into the streets.
They're like snails.
Their house goes wherever they go.
Yeah, but you know they're gonna come back.
They're like human boomerangs.
Got any ideas on how to get them to leave the nest? Actually I do, but I it involves a can of gasoline, a rag, and a lighter.
All right, I have an idea.
I have an You know what I think we should do? Seriously? We move.
Like we did in the middle of the night with our first apartment? No, no, no, not that.
I'm talking about We actually get a smaller place Where they wouldn't have the room to live with us.
Eddie, let's not go down this road again.
I mean, we tried that.
We looked around.
We are not condo people.
We don't like to run into strangers in an elevator.
We don't like to listen to other people having sex.
That's true.
We turn up our television so we don't have to listen to ourselves having sex.
So, it's not gonna work.
Hey, but you know what? They have these things called townhouses.
Have you heard of this? And they're like stand-alone buildings, and they don't even have a yard.
I know what a townhouse is, you ass.
Well, see, my point is, It can kill It'll give us an opportunity to downsize, and at the same time, It will get them on their own so they can grow up a little.
You know what? You could be right.
I mean, they need to become independent someday.
I've looked at this from all angles, and I think this is the best option.
So, should we do it? Well, I wasn't thinking of that, but I guess I could turn up the tv.
Oh, I think it's an excellent plan, Eddie.
You and Joy can get a fresh start.
You'll probably even make some money when you sell the house.
Oh, I sure hope so, Whitey.
Or, you know, you could sell the house, split the cash, And go your separate ways.
Oh, that's not an option.
I think I'm gonna be married until I'm dead, Or even longer.
Yeah, there are some people who think those 2 states are similar, Although some people do make peace with death.
So, what's happening in your life? How's everything with duffy the vampire slayer? Actually, couldn't be happier.
Yeah? We've got the most amazing, mutually supportive, beautiful relationship.
Hey, sweetie! We were just talking about you.
Listen up! Everybody.
Can I have your attention? I am dumping Whitey.
No what? I know you all know that we've been secretly seeing each other, But I've grown bored, And I have exceeded my tolerance for disgust.
As much as I hate myself, even I deserve better than That.
But but I I thought we had something.
Oh, actually, we do.
I got my tests back.
You should see your doctor immediately.
I thought it was the asparagus.
Whitey, are you ok? No.
Hold me, Eddie.
All right, Come on, everybody.
Nothing to see here.
Come on.
Show's over.
Let's go.
Just sit down right here.
Thank you.
Eddie, why? Why would she do this to me? She does it because she'sshe's heartless and cruel And just no good.
She lashes out, and she hurts people.
And I was fine with that! Where am I ever gonna find anyone like her again? I don't know.
Women's prison? Mental health facility? Acting class? I can't be alone, Eddie.
Listen, Whitey, you are not alone.
You got me.
And as far as I'm concerned, mi casa es su casa.
Thank you, pal.
Of course.
Raj? Raj.
Last time I saw you, you were driving a cab.
Not anymore.
I kept getting pulled over At the entrance to the airport.
Everybody missed their plane.
Oh Raj, Say hello to my best friend Whitey.
Whitey, this is Raj.
It's nice to meet you Raj.
Oh, first time.
Nice to meet you, too, Witty.
It's Whitey.
What did I say? You said, "Witty.
" I can't hear the difference.
Listen, I'm sorry duffy dumped you.
You heard about this? Oh, everybody heard about that.
May I offer you some advice? Sure.
I always say the most sage advice Comes from immigrants wearing name tags.
All right.
Let her go.
Don't try to get her back.
Heartbreak like this needs time to heal, Like a tree with a broken limb.
You pray to cows, right? I can't believe it.
Are you really selling the house? Yeah.
It's a done deal.
I'm working on a list of open houses right now.
We're gonna start looking tomorrow.
Why is this guy here? I could ask you the same thing, buddy.
Because Whitey is my friend, and he's going through a time of need.
Well, what about our needs? I'm not sure that we're ready to go out on our own.
Oh, yeah you are.
You survived in ecuador.
Uh, it's Ecuador.
So, I'm sure that you can survive in Philadelphia.
Good one.
WellWhen you guys move to this new place, Will we still be able to park the rv No.
No, sorry.
No parking.
No can do.
But, don't worry.
I'm sure that they'll have that, you know, The guest parking for a couple hours.
Yeah, but there will be nothing to plug into, you see.
You know what? I think my folks are right, Doug.
I mean, we could use this as an opportunity to expand our horizons And travel America.
Yeah, we could we could drive to California Or France.
He's planning on driving to France, Eddie.
I heard him.
Listen, sweetie, this isthis is hard on us, too.
But, you know, you gotta learn to stand on your own 4 feet.
And you will always have our love and support.
Oh, thank you, sir.
I wasn't talking to you, chief.
What? Well, all right, Ally, Let's go! And remember, A journey of a thousand miles Begins with a single step.
I'm ready to take it.
Are you ready? I'm ready.
Um, after you.
Oh, no, no, after you.
No, no, no, you go first.
No, you go first.
Come on.
Ladies first.
Oh, no, age before beauty.
Take the damn step! Well, that was difficult, But we had to do it.
Whitey? God! It's wow, it's late.
So, Eddie and I, we're gonna head on off to bed.
Oh, ok.
I'm gonna continue to work on this list of open houses.
I saw a cute one here with a big porch and a cupola.
I've always wanted a cupola.
Just let yourself out when you're done.
Yeah, uh, you know what? I think I'm gonna stay here.
I couldn't really stand to go home and see duffy's whip Hanging there limp in the closet Too many painful, happy memories.
Eddie, this place, This kitchen! You know what I could make in there? Reservations! And look at this.
It's got pools, hot tubs, a gym Which would be a lot more convenient not to use Than the gym we have to drive to not to use.
Listen, babe, I I want to talk to you about something.
Huh? I gotta talk to you about Whitey.
Oh, isn't he great? He's great.
Great! Um, but here's the thing.
I know that he's your friend Yeah.
And that he's having all those issues with duffy.
Um, but isn't it kind of strange that he's always around? Oh, come on.
He's not always around.
My apologies, everyone.
The bidet was closer, And I didn't know they didn't flush.
Fresh from the oven! Hi, hi, hi.
I'm ryan the realtor.
How are you? There's my card if you ever want to buy or sell anything.
Would you like a cookie? They're fresh and a little nutty, like me.
Oh, fresh and a little nutty.
I'll take one.
Uh, don't mind if I do.
Eddie, watching our waistline? Yeah.
Yeah, you're right, Whitey.
Well, you are a big one.
You could take a close look at our 16-foot ceilings.
I know.
They are beautiful.
I love this place.
Yeah, so do I.
Me, too.
Just out of curiosity, what is your floor plan layout? with visitation rights? a connecting door? Or just a mosh pit with a big, old inflatable mattress? No.
Eddie and I are married.
Whitey's just a friend.
All right.
Well, have a look around And definitely check out the kitchen.
Uh, it's a great place if you want to have a friend over for a sandwich.
Can you believe this? Whitey, we're right on the golf course.
Oh, great.
Almost as exciting live as it is on tv.
You know what? We could play 9 holes Every morning before work.
Oh, you bet we Whitey, you're not gonna be living with us.
No, Ioh, I know that.
Duffy's gonna come to her senses.
I mean, where else is she gonna find a man my age That can take a punch like I can? Good for you.
You just keep thinking positive like that, huh? Hey, you want to know the best part about this place? Hmm? Check out the price.
Wow! Babe, we can afford this.
Thank God we didn't have the money to invest in the stock market.
I mean, think about it.
We sell our place, We would have money left over to travel.
Yeah, we would.
Yeah, or we'd even be able To go to restaurants more.
Or Joy could get a visit from the botox fairy.
You know what? I know a fairy you could get a visit from.
Still in the room! II Did you check out the second bedroom? It's perfect for the kids to visit, But not quite big enough for them to live here.
You understand? You know, of all the places we've seen, I think this is the best.
Whitey, I'll handle this.
You know, of all the places we've seen, I think this one is the best.
I agree.
So, what do we do? I don't know.
I just I'm just not sure.
"I'm just not sure.
" How I hate that sentence.
If I had said that to father Murphy, I'd be a totally different person today.
There is no better time to buy.
Now, that is true.
But we would have to sell our house first, though.
Ah! Now you're singing my song.
I can sell anything.
Whitney Houston, we have a problem.
Oh, my God! This looks like a job for fema.
There's been a flood of bad taste.
Oh, come on! It's not that bad.
Nobody would buy this house in its current condition.
It's almost uninhabitable.
Joy, you need a new loofah.
Whitey, take off my robe.
No! Not right here.
Go upstairs and get dressed.
If there's one thing I know, It's how to take orders from a woman.
By the way, Whitey, that's a nice color on you.
It brings out the veins in your nose.
Ryan, tell us! What's wrong with the place? Ohh.
Well, old, ugly, old, ugly, ugly, old.
Hey, wait a minute.
I think you were pointing at me on one of those ugli.
I lieve it was 2 of them.
The good news is that there is Nothing we can't cure here with a little staging.
Staging? Yeah.
Oh I heard about this.
It's like a litt home makeov, right? Exactly.
So, do we do the staging? Did you do this? Then no.
Just let me do my thing, And you are gonna make a killing on this house.
Ok, well, do your thing.
Oh, yeah! And then we cago to the townhouse and spend little time there, You know, just to be sure.
Great idea.
But first, can we get rid of the lose-bago in the backyard? Oh, actually, I've already spoken to them, and they'll be leaving today.
Not a moment too soon.
I've got some people coming over to look at it, So, get out ofy way and let ryan sprinkle some Fairy dust? Stop flirting with me.
Yes? Oh, goodness gracious, yes.
Send them right up.
Come in.
Come in.
What a coincidence.
The motorcade broke down right in front of my lovely new townhouse.
Please, come in for cocktails.
Michelle, why don't you sit right here? You do have lovely arms.
Heh heh.
Barack, how 'bout you right there? Oh, sorry.
Cocktail? Oh.
I'm sorry.
I spilled.
Did I just see peaches and herb? Whitey, where's my husband? Oh, he is signing us up for a potluck dinner.
They've got a whole get-to-know-you program here at the complex.
I'm doing string beans and pearl onions.
Listen, Whitey We need to talk.
What's on your mind, Joy-Joy? It's about us.
Me and you? Yeah! Me and you.
Well, look.
You know, I understand that you're only human, But I could never hurt Eddie like that.
No, Whitey! No.
That is not what I meant.
And I think you know that's not what I meant.
You're right.
To hell with his feelings.
Let's do it.
Whitey! Look, I'm sorry.
I'm very fragile right now, And I know it's an imposition having me around You cannot live with us! Well, of course not.
Not permanently.
Not at all! You have to go home.
But I can't go home.
Everything there reminds me of her The bandages, the mercurochrome, The saddle soap, The saddle.
All right! Blecch.
Listen to me, Whitey, please.
If you really want this woman And I am not at all sure why you do But if you really want this woman, You gotta go fight for her.
Fight? Yeah.
That could be painful.
I'll do it.
Thank you.
I can't wait to cook out on the open road.
Yeah, I know.
It's gonna be great.
Where do you want to go? I want to go to sarasota, florida, Where all the circus people winter.
I find them fascinating.
Did you know that clown college Is harder to get into than harvard? What's Oh, my God! Somebody stole our house! Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to interrupt Oh, no! We're done here.
So is Mrs.
You can run along now, dear.
Ok, move it or lose it.
Come on! What's wrong? Why is she crying? Oh, she was this close to getting a pension.
Now I get the good parking spot.
So, why are you here? Well, I wondered if I could talk to you.
Well, you can talk all you want, But I'll only listen until I get bored, And I'm pretty bored right now.
Well, I was wondering if Maybe somehow we could rekindle the flame? Well I mean, short of me Setting myself on fire? Oh, then no.
I don't think so.
I understand.
Truthfully, if I were you, I wouldn't want to be with me, either.
See? We agree on somethin'.
I won't bother you anymore.
I guess I'll just spend the rest of my days Living in the spare room over at Joy and Eddie's.
Sounds fun.
Joy's pretty upset about it.
Oh, I bet she is.
But it's worth it, 'cause Eddie is ecstatic.
What? He's so happy.
He's like a newborn colt Prancing in the meadow at sunrise.
It's Eddie Stark is happy? I mean, "happy" doesn't even describe the bliss he's in.
You'd need a whole new word for it, like he's "glee-licious.
" Ok.
We're back together.
Don't tease me I mean, not like this.
I'm serious.
If it means that the evil one is going to be less happy, Then I can tolerate anything, even you.
Really? Yeah.
Oh, boy! This is wonderful news.
And Eddie will be devastated.
Oh, yes! Say that again.
Eddie will be devastated.
Now Who's been a bad little kitty cat? MeOw.
Oh, good lord, are you limber.
Whoa! Oh, my gosh! This place looks fantastic! This is unbelievable.
We should buy it.
Well, I don't think we can afford it now.
Oh, look, honey, a bowl of balls.
Hey, why don't you do me a favor and bust these for a while? No? Ok.
What are you guys doing here? Somebody stole our rv.
What? That's Who the hell would steal that thing? Anybody with the need for the open road.
Or a place to put their meth lab.
Eddie, ok.
It's ok.
The important thing is, you're safe.
And, you know, that's what Insurance is for.
You want to take this one, Doug? See, my theory on insurance is You don't have insurance.
He doesn't have insurance.
But don't worry.
We're gonna be ok.
We have a plan.
Yeah, really? And what is your plan? Well, we're gonna get Enough money together to put a deposit down on an apartment.
Where are you gonna get all this money? I hear the skepticism in your voice.
But in fact, while we were walking back here From making the police report, I figured out a way to come up with the money.
And that is? We're gonna sell blood.
And sperm.
And sperm.
Until we have enough to get an apartment, One pint at a time.
So, your plan is to sell pints of sperm? Yeah.
Yup If my arm holds out.
Well, if you could manage that, You have my begrudging admiration.
But in the meantime, would it be ok If we move into my old room? Yes, Babe, of course.
Both of you? Yeah, Eddie.
Daddy I can't All right.
Well, I better get up there.
The sperm isn't gonna jump into a cup by itself.
Well, I'm, gonna Go this way.
Well Well, I guess we'll have to put our little adventure on hold, huh? Yeah.
You unhappy? Nah.
We get all of our old crappy furniture back.
Welcome home.
That's one! And look at this.
It's got pools, hot tubs, and a gym.
It would be a lot more convenient not to use this gym Than to drive to the gym Just out of curiosity, what is your floor plan layout? Try the gym one.
You think that's tough.
No, seriously.
But it's worth it, 'cause Brad is ecstatic.
Brad? I'm sorry.

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