'Til Death s04e30 Episode Script

Baby Steps

Okay, give it to me.
What Honey, what the hell are you doing? It's 4:00 in the morning.
God! You know, I was just trying to get a head start Getting things ready for the baby shower.
There is so much to do.
Because I have How long have you been up, Joy? I don't know.
Couple hours.
But, you know, Eddie, we're gonna have to get used to this schedule anyway, 'cause this is what it's gonna be like when the baby arrives.
Joy, we're not the parents this time.
Doug and Ally stay up all night.
They raise the baby.
You and I, see, we get to sleep through the night So we can wake up rested and then spoil the baby.
Trust Doug and Ally with my grandchild? I don't think so.
All right, look, I know Doug is a bit of a wacko, But our little girl is a stable andand a good kid and Yeah, as long as she's not responsible for another living creature.
Do you remember how many pets are buried in our backyard? When it rains, the lawn shakes itself off.
Ok, look.
You wanna stay up, stay up.
I don't care.
Listen, I I gotta make a list Of all the lists I have to make.
Honey, look, I hesitate to say this, But don't you think you're getting A little carried away with all this stuff? You do have the tendency to do that a lot.
Come on.
I'm fine.
Oh! 200 eggs to devil.
Babe, are you awake? What? Are you awake? I am now.
What's wrong? Why are you awake? Well, the vacuuming woke me up, But then I started worrying about something.
Oh! I know, Doug.
Will there ever be another "star wars" movie? Don't worry.
There won't be.
No, besides that.
I'm worried that there's gonna be A big show about you havin' a baby, And then the baby'll never appear on camera again, Because that's what happens in sitcoms.
Baby's born, and then you don't see it Until it's 4 years old and sarcastic.
Oh, honey, I think it's time you go see Dr.
Bialik again.
That's fine, because I like my scenes with her.
In fact, I don't know why she doesn't have her own show.
Oh, you should tell her that.
I'm sure she'd be pleased to hear it.
I mean, "Blossom" was a great show.
It has Joey Lawrence, who was really good-lookin', And he said, "whoa," And, it had Blossom's best friend, Six, Played by Jenna von Oy, who was really cute and sassy, And her brother Anthony, who conquered drug addiction And became a paramedic.
Did you know that his name is, Michael Stoyanov And he's still an actor? In fact, he played one of the clowns in "the dark knight.
" Well, why do you know so much about "blossom"? I don't know.
I didn't know anything about it until this episode.
Is the coast clear? Baby shower over? Yes, it is.
Wow! For the first time, the carpet matches the drapes.
How did we do? How was the take? How was the haul? How much loot did we make? Oh, little bit underwhelming, I would say.
We well, we got a bunch of rattles.
And a highchair, a year's supply of diapers, And a pair of flammable pajamas.
Mom, I don't know why you're being so negative.
I mean, aside from the flammable pajamas, We could use all this stuff.
Hey, everybody! So, I'm not familiar with baby showers.
Is thisis this good or bad? Bad.
But hardly anyone showed up.
You guys didn't want to invite anybody, And apparently Eddie and I have no friends.
What about the Woodcocks or Kenny? And the other 5 girls who've played Ally? How about the, rich neighbor next door and his hot wife, Or was it too expensive to fly 'em out from New York? He's having a relapse of sitcomosis.
He's seeing Dr.
I already made an appointment for him.
Yeah, not that it's gonna make any difference, Because when we're not on camera, none of us exist.
Ok, Doug, for the last time, we are not in a sitcom, And we exist all the time.
Ok, then why do I have these giant gaps in my memory? Oh, I'd like to take a crack at that.
Could it be because all the weed you smoked? Okay.
You see? How come we can't even have a conversation And talk like normal people? How come everything has to be part of a running gag? Maybe because you're a walking joke.
I'll go talk to him.
He always gets like this toward the end of the season.
Not like I would know.
Yeah, because you weren't here last season.
Okay, honey.
Come on! I'm telling you, Whitey, her behavior's getting more and more manic.
She's up all hours of the night doing housekeeping Or working on her crazy lists Or obsessing about the baby.
That's not unusual, Eddie.
It's called maternal transference.
For instance, when my sister got pregnant, My mother started lactating.
On the upside, I didn't have to pay for half-and-half for 6 months.
Look at this crazy list she made here Of all the stuff she wants to get the baby.
And everything on this list, the best money can buy.
Why does it have to be the best? We're not the best.
Why can't it be, pretty good Or not bad if you're feelin' flush, right? And look at this baby stroller.
This costs more than my first car.
Yet she still buys me generic heart medicine.
Well, it's a stokke.
That's the best you can get there.
You get disc brakes and a rollover bar, a chemical toilet onboard.
Well, how do you know about this? I have one.
Why would you have one? I collect things with wheels, Eddie.
That's a lot of things.
Yeah, it sure is.
You got cheese and hamster and ferris.
There's a whole round world out there.
Anyway, I would like to give Doug and Ally, That stokke as a gift.
Well, are you sure, Whitey? Whitey? Yes.
Yes, I'm sure.
It would be good for me, and it would be good for the baby.
That I thank you.
You are an amazing friend.
I don't think you and I could be closer if one of us was a florist.
More coffee? Appreciate it.
Thank you! You bet.
So everything with wheels, huh? Oh, yeah! I have spent hours at the VA hospital.
What? Where are you? I'm in the bathroom.
What's wrong with the toilet seat? I can't get it up.
Is that one problem or two? Stop screwin' around, Joy.
I've gotta pee.
What's wrong with the toilet seat? Oh, I put a lock on it.
What?! I put a lock on it.
Is there something valuable in there? No.
It's babyproofing.
Listen to me.
I don't have time for this.
How do you unlock it? You put your hand under the thing, And then you put your right index finger, And you find the little latch, and you pull the latch forward.
Are you taking a shower? Part of me is.
Almost done.
Joy-Joy, honey We we have to have a conversation.
You're out of your mind.
No, you know what? No.
You're wrong.
I've never been more in my mind.
If we don't take care of this kid, then who's gonna take care of it, huh? Okay, listen to me.
The baby won't even be walking on his own for at least a year.
We don't have to go around now and start locking toilets Or buying everything that's on your lists.
I wanna do everything in advance.
Baby, we're gonna have the best grandchild in the whole world.
He'she's gonna be a genius.
Don't say that, Joy.
We don't want a genius.
Geniuses can't deal with the real world.
They become creeps or serial killers And "Simpsons" writers.
What we want, really, is a kid Who could throw a football 80 yards.
We don't want a baby genius.
We want a baby Tom Brady.
Why? Because quarterbacks get to sleep with supermodels.
Do you understand? Now get in here and help me unlock the toilet, Or else you're gonna have to retile the shower.
This is weird.
Tell me about it.
These people used to be part of my fake life on "Blossom," And now we're sitting here making a reality show About people who used to be on sitcoms.
I mean, it really doesn't get much weirder than that.
And we're actually paying to be here.
Oh, shut up, Michael! Don't tell me to shut up.
I was in "Dark Knight.
" Okay, I've seen the film, like, 10 times.
I still don't know which clown you were.
The funny one.
They're not supposed to be funny.
You know, well, it's not like you been doin' anything.
Ah, actually I did an episode of "Cold Case.
" It was the one about your missing career.
Oh, bravo! Oh, and I also did a "Family Guy.
" Really? Does his wife know? Wow.
That's your joke? Still got it.
That's the joke? Good.
We're We're losing focus here.
We'rewe're here to help Doug.
Who did you play on the show? Were you that guy in the party scene with tobey maguire? No.
I wasn't on "Blossom.
" Why are you here? Why is he here? Doug believes that he's living in a sitcom right now, So I thought it would be good for him to see the distinction Between people who were actually on a sitcom Versus the fantasy of believing you're currently in one.
And you really believe that? Yep.
I do, actually.
Okay, so when is your show "on"? Well, it's not actually on right now.
Uh, I don't I don't think.
Uh, I mean, We've had a lot of different time slots And, like, 5 different actresses Playing my wife.
You know, we had a little saying On the "Dark Knight" set.
If you are not on, you are not on.
Said that a lot on "Dark Knight," huh? That's right.
Christian Bale, nice guy? Who? We're drifting again, folks.
Let's try and focus on Doug's problem.
I don't really understand what Doug's problem is.
He's not on a sitcom.
I mean, if he is, he's on one nobody's ever seen.
Butbut sometimes I see booms or Or lighting guys and stagehands.
Maybe you're on a Tyler Perry Show.
I don't think so.
Who is this guy? Oh, this is Gary Shapiro.
He thinks he's Joey.
Listen, Gary, you may have Joey's hair, But you sure don't have his body.
I'm working on it.
Bialik, I thought these sessions were supposed to be supportive.
It's the worst You're charging me 70.
You were in "dark knight.
" I was clown number 3! Complain to your agent, michael, not to me.
If I could get him on the phone, don't you think I would? Hey, hey, hey! Everybody, I don't think fighting is gonna help any of us.
Doug is right.
You know, I think This may not have been a very good idea.
I thought it would be good to mix a little reality with fantasy, But I'm sorry, Doug.
I was wrong.
Yeah, you sure were, sister.
Can I get a prescription for percocet? No.
Then why am I here? Come on, fake joey.
Let's go get wasted and try and get on Dr.
Drew's show.
Can you validate me? You're a great actress.
Oh! Thank you.
Good luck, Doug.
Oh, thanks.
Oh, and, if you ever do Change wives again on the show, I'm available.
I could be your wife number 6.
Hello! Hey! That could happen.
On our show, We've gone through more actresses than warren beatty.
Well, here's my card.
Stay in touch.
By the way, you were always my favorite one.
I always thought you were the hot one.
Not smart, Doug.
We're done here.
Uh, really? wrap everything up.
Rusty, cue theme song.
Hey, Whitey! Hi, Joy! Oh, my God! It's a stokke.
Yes, it is.
The kids are gonna be so stokked.
Eddie didn't tell you? I thought he was kidding, you know? I thought it was one of those jokes you freaks play on each other.
No, Joy.
It's no joke.
This is this is my little gift to the new baby.
That is an extremely generous gift.
I mean, these things cost a fortune.
Oh, no! The cost is meaningless When it comes to the happiness of Eddie's grandchild.
And my grandchild.
Well, thank you.
I wanna show it to the kids.
You know, one of the great things About these strollers is they can also be used as a car seat and Bassinet.
Yeah! I know.
It's fabulous.
It's fantastic.
I'm gonna go show it to Ally.
You know, maybe I should show you How to, you know, work some of these features.
Oh, you don't have to show us.
No, we'll we'll figure it out.
It was so, so generous, again, Of you to give it to Us.
All righty.
Okay, then.
So I guess I'll just go.
Well, Good-bye, Cynthia.
My name's Joy.
I wasn't talking to you.
Ally! G-mama is in the house! Come in! Surprise! Got somethin' for the baby.
Stop, mom.
Stop right there.
What? Look at this place.
There isn't any room for anything else.
There isn't even any room for the baby.
Oh, stop it.
Don't be ridiculous.
Once we get everything out of the boxes And set it all up, it's gonna be perfect.
No, no.
It's too much.
Look, I don't even know What to do with half of this stuff.
I appreciate what you're doing, But, you know, I just wanted a simple papoose sling, Not some giant stroller.
Ally, your hormones are going crazy.
You don't know what you want.
You need all this stuff.
Read any baby blog.
I didn't have any of this stuff when I was a baby, And I turned out fine.
You're homeless and pregnant.
You're a banjo and a cleft palate away from "deliverance.
" And you've got a banjo.
Come on, babe.
Your dad and I, we did We did a lot of things wrong.
No, you didn't.
I love that beer can mobile that was strung above my crib.
That wasn't a mobile.
We didn't have room in the fridge.
Well, look.
I'm gonna be perfectly fine, And the baby's gonna be perfectly fine.
There's nothing to worry about.
I don't think I like your attitude, young lady.
What? All this "everything's gonna be perfectly fine" La-di-da attitude.
Come on.
If the greatest generation had said, "everything is gonna be fine," after pearl harbor, We'd all be speaking japanese.
Are you comparing the fact that I don't want a stroller To world war I? And clearly we've got to get this kid Into a better school than you went to.
Mom, I think you're just being a little over the top.
Oh, yeah? If I'm over the top, then you're under the bottom.
Mom, look at this place.
I mean, I think it looks like the inside of your head right now.
It's cluttered and filled with unnecessary stuff.
It's just too much.
Okay, this is not clutter.
This is love.
It's clutter.
Doug? Where are you? I'm on the bed.
I fell asleep, And then there was a cave-in.
See? It's too much.
Don't worry, honey.
I'm comin' to get ya.
I can't feel my legs.
Hey, Whitey.
Hi, Eddie.
What's this? It's a stokke, just exactly like the one I gave you.
Well, why? She's not havin' twins.
I know.
I need the one I gave you back Cynthia.
Why are you calling me Cynthia? No, that's the stroller's name.
Everything I own has a name, Eddie.
I mean, the gloves are Johnny Winter and Edgar.
I don't understand.
I'm a hoarder, Eddie.
I am a hoarder.
I hoard things.
I can't let go of anything I've ever touched.
I mean, you wouldn't believe my collection of doorknobs And place mats and lamps and license plates and eyeglasses And nude photos of mailmen and Okay, I get it.
I get it.
You're you're a hoarder.
And I thought I could get over it, You know, using my desire to help you, But it just didn't work.
Anyway My skin has never touched this stroller, So I have no emotional connection.
I wonder if you cou If you could just trade 'em out with me, that would be Okay.
You want me to switch the strollers.
All right.
I will do that.
I will go get you cindy.
No, no! It's Cynthia.
Cindy is a bowling ball.
And a tip of the henry to you.
Me! It's open.
Hey, I was gonna make some lunch Where the hell is everything? It's in the garage.
Oh, good thinking.
We could paint.
'cause I have an idea for a cowboy mural.
Or trains.
'cause boys love trains.
Mom, no more.
I told you.
I don't want any more of the stuff.
And I told you that I want you to have everything, And I'm bigger than you.
Wait! What is that? Oh, it's a gift from uncle Charlie And his partner Terrence.
It's called Bi-curious George.
Let me take him out of his closet.
He's been there long enough.
He talks, too.
I need a man In a big yellow hat.
God, you know, I should have thought of that.
I don't know why I didn't think of that.
Educational toys.
I'm gonna get some more of those.
No, no, mom, stop.
Look, I am the mother.
The mother has control over the child.
Exactly, and I am your mother.
That means you do whatever I tell you to do.
No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
No, I don't.
Yes, you do! Mom, what are you doing? I don't know! I'm having A nervous breakdown because my baby is having a baby! I thought that I was ok with all this, Ally, and I'm really not, Because now it's real.
I mean, a baby is gonna come out of my Ally.
I mean, not my alley, but myyour You know what I'm saying.
It's gonna come out, And then what are we gonna do? I mean, somebody in this house is gonna say, "mommy," And they're not gonna be talking to me.
Oh, God, I'm so terrified.
Oh, mom.
Oh, where are you? I'm here.
Come here.
I gotta talk to you.
Come here.
Listen to me.
I have to tell you something That nobody knows about me, And I've never said this to anyone ever before.
But I am a little bit of a control freak.
No, mom.
You don't Shh! Let me finish! This whole baby thing, It's it makes me feel like I'm out of control, And I'm freaked out.
I mean, not just a little bit, But I am a lot freaked out.
Well, to tell you the truth, I'm pretty freaked out, too, A lot.
What a pair we make.
All right.
Well, come here.
I guess we'll just try to get through this, This whole thing together.
And if I ever get to be too much Oh, no.
Mo Shh! Let me finish! If at any time you feel like I'm too much Or I'm doing too much Or maybe I'm saying too much, Tell me to stop.
Mom, stop.
We're gonna get through this, The two of us.
Don't you mean the three of us? Yeah.
I guess I do.
I love you.
I love you, too, mom.
Please stand by.
Excuse me a second.
You're a good aim.
Was just It's that high? It was just one-inch area that could have affected it, and you It's called maternal transference.
For instance, my sister, when she got pregnant I'm sorry.
Just went to bermuda for a second there.
Okay, come on! How was it there? It was quite nice, actually.
Thank you.
Where you stayin'?
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