'Til Death s04e32 Episode Script

The Baby

Oh, sweetie! You look like you're waiting for Greenpeace to roll you back into the ocean.
What are you doing up? It's so late.
I can't lay down.
It's like trying to sleep under a boulder.
You want me to make you an omelette? Where would I put it? There's no room inside my body For anything but this baby.
You know, this is the part that they don't tell women about, Because if we knew that we were gonna feel this way, We'd all be lesbians.
Too late for that.
It's never too late for that.
Mom You know what? The minute you see this little guy, The memories of all this are gonna disappear forever.
Really? No, not really.
This whole birth process has a way of stickin' with ya.
But it's worth it.
Can't wait to meet this kid.
I know.
Me, too.
You know, maybe veal don't have it so bad.
They get massaged and fed dairy products and beer all day.
Just like your grandmother.
I got it.
Hey, Raj? What are you doing? I thought you gave up this job so iou could work at the school.
I've got 7 jobs, Each one more humiliating than the last.
Good thing I don't have a day off, Otherwise I'd kill myself.
Take care.
Thank you.
Guess what just arrived What? It's my book from the publisher! Hot off the press.
Look at that.
Look at that.
It It looks like a blimp.
Well, that was the idea, honey.
Sort of, you know, the hindenburg thing.
They decided to make it a kids' book.
So, they made it in the shape of a blimp.
God, it smells good.
What are you talking about? He's right.
It smells yummy.
It's covered in some kind of coating.
Why are you licking the book? Because it's delicious! He's right, dad.
It's really good.
Look at that.
It's part of their "Lick and Learn" series.
completely covered in sugar.
Mine's cherry.
Mine's banana.
Mine's chicken.
All right.
All right! Everybody, stop the licking.
Ok? I never agreed to a candy coated book! It was bad enough that they took my beautifully researched epic, Which, by the way, I was going to title "the definitive story of the hindenburg" And turned it into "benny the blimp.
" Come on, babe.
Look at the bright side.
Oh, there's a bright side? Yeah.
If the book doesn't sell, We can always hand it out at Halloween.
I'm licking your face.
You think you're gonna be licking my face?! So, do we love it? No, we do not.
I said I would do it as a kids book, not as a piece of candy.
Eddie, what can I tell you? The "lick & learn" series is "flying" off the shelves.
We cannot even keep the books in the supermarkets.
And it comes in 12 flavors, And the kids will not rest until they try 'em all.
How did this happen? Well, our foray into this was the "very silly centipede," Which that only came in lemon and peanut butter.
And fortunately, we managed to settle The anaphylactic shock lawsuit before it hit the press.
All right.
Miles, making my book edible Devalues the literary significance of my work.
Let's cut the crap, Eddie.
You wrote a stupid book about glorified balloons That would not have sold a single copy Unless we printed it In the exact shape of a zeppelin And literally sugarcoated it.
And I don't understand your attitude toward me, man.
Really, what is this all about? You should be setting off fireworks in celebration of my genius.
Because you're gonna be making a lot of money, man.
And let me tell you something else And I saving the best for next-to-last.
I've already booked you in a book-signing party In the biggest bookstore in town.
Signing? I think you mean tasting.
Focus, Eddie.
This book signing also features The one and only best selling author Of multiple children's books and movie star, Jamie Lee Curtis.
What? You mean the "trading places" Jamie Lee Curtis? Both of them.
Isn't it fantastic? I don't know, miles.
This is starting to sound like a stunt.
You're right, Eddie.
We don't want to do a stunt.
Why don't we just dump the movie star And we can bill it as "come see the high school teacher Eddie Stark And his lickable blimp book.
" That ought to pack 'em in.
All right.
I'll do it.
All right, honey.
Let's do it.
We gotta get to the signing Before they eat all my books.
All right, all right.
Hold your horses.
Takes a little time to look like an author's wife.
Very nice! Okay.
Let's go! What? What? What? I think I'm having a contraction.
Well, honey, look.
We've had a lot of false alarms.
What makes you think it's a real contraction? I think so because everything in my body just contracted.
Well, that's ok, baby.
Because you don't really have to worry Until they become closer Eddie, I think this is it.
We gotta go! Okay.
This is what we'll do.
I will take you to the hospital.
And then I'll just run by the book signing.
Eddie! Okay.
We'll all go to the book signing.
I'll sign a couple books Eddie! All right! All right! Let's go! You're good.
You're good.
Well, I never actually saw a guy with his ass literally in a sling.
Another contraction! Excuse me, nurse, my daughter is I realize that you're busy, but this is actually an emergen This is an emergency room.
Everybody here has an emergency, Including the person I'm on this phone with "currently.
" Sorry.
And an order of extra crispy egg rolls And don't forget the hot mustard Or somebody will lose "they" job.
Now, what's your problem? My daughter is going into labor! She should go into management.
I get to do that joke 3 or 4 times a day.
It's always funny.
Not to me! Ok.
What's the problem here? Oh, my God! Eddie Stark, the killer! Lawanda? Don't lawanda me, you murderer! Okay.
I'm lost.
This one here he killed Helga Klum, The last survivor of the hindenburg, just for some stupid book.
It's not a stupid book.
It's delicious.
Come on Listen, can we forget all this right now? My daughter is going into labor.
She needs to see a doctor.
All right.
Let me have your insurance card.
Doug, give the lady your insurance card.
This is some kind of joke, right? All right, Joy, just give her our insurance card.
I have it right here.
Oh! Thank you.
This thing weighs a ton.
So does this thing.
Here it is.
Here it is.
Oh, no! This just covers the two of you.
Look, I'm sure we can settle up later.
My daughter has to see a doctor.
Apparently you have never been in a hospital emergency room before.
So, let me break it down for you.
Unless you are an illegal immigrant, You're going to have to pay.
Buenos dias.
Buenos dias! Okay.
Take me to the hospital.
And pronto tonto.
You again? Don't call me tonto.
I'm indian, not injun.
You make dot jokes not feather jokes.
I'm sorry, have we met? A 1,000 times.
Now which hospital did you want to go to, you racist cow? St.
Mark's hospital.
You know, the one with the richest jewish doctors.
I'm single, you know.
What a surprise! What happened to your husband? Well, my first husband, hehe died.
By his own hand, I'm assuming.
Nobody's proven that yet.
And my second hu'and, hehe ran off with a whore.
Well he probably figured he was paying for it one way or another.
Let's move it, slumdog.
I gotta get to the hospital.
And get this magic carpet in gear.
What a delightful turn of phrase, you ignorant toad.
It's a good thing we're going to St.
Coincidently, I have to deliver this chinese food there Another one of my humiliating jobs.
Well, I admire your ambition.
You know, a lot of your fellow countrymen Would just be satisfied making slurpees.
That's what I do on weekends.
Graveyard shift.
Or as I call it, "please don't shoot me, just take all the money.
" Okay, folks.
We're flaps up and, we're ready to go.
It's showtime! Who wants a ringside seat? I do.
Me! Me too.
Listen, kids.
In your lamaze class, I'm sure you're told that childbirth is the most beautiful thing in the world.
Well, it's not.
I wouldn't be going in there if I wasn't getting 7 large.
And I was a tunnel rat in 'nam.
Oh, please.
I'm not squimish.
I do his laundry.
And him.
Let's go.
Now if you're gonna go in here, you gotta go in sterile.
You might want to look into that so this doesn't happen again.
All right, guys, let's saddle up and ride.
Come on.
You all right, Ally? All right, let's do this.
It's true.
The lord is a black woman.
You passed out and took Betsy here down with ya! Come on, guys! I need these gurneys.
I've got 2 gunshot wounds and a failed parachute on the way in.
So get up and get out, Because the only way you're staying here Is if you get hurt, which you will if you don't move! All right You've got 5 minutes! I gotta get back in there! No.
Come on.
Come on.
Take it easy.
Are you ok? Yeah, I think so.
Now, listen to me.
You're about to become a father.
The real "F-Word.
" Your life as you know it is over.
You have to start acting responsibly.
But what about my dreams, and my goals Over.
But I have this plan to build a biodome in the amazon.
So, what's it all about? I'll tell you what it's all about.
You're going to have a lot less fun, But a lot more Joy.
There you are.
You pansies.
Come on, you're missing everything in there, you two.
I mean, the baby's not born yet, But Ally's water just broke.
And it was just Oh, it's amazing! Capicola's telling jokes.
He's keeping it light, trying to make Ally laugh.
And there are sounds coming out of my daughter that I will never unhear.
But oh, God! It's just incredible.
I mean, I've done it.
But I've never seen it! Oh, God I gotta get back in there and see how this comes out.
I mean, literally, how this comes out.
Joy?! Joy?! Ally?! Where's the baby?! It's my motherI can't.
I don't have time.
Wait Would you rather be in there or go get her? What else you got? All right.
I'm gonna I'm gonna go back in.
Wait, Doug, I know that you want to go back in.
I know that your heart is in the right place.
But, you know, it's not going to help Ally at all to see you pass out again.
So, I think that you should stay right here.
You're probably right, Mrs.
Hey, call me mom.
All right, just take it easy, donna.
She's in labor.
The baby's coming any minute.
I know that.
But I can't help it.
I'm a wreck.
I'm nervous.
Excuse me.
Hey, Raj! You gave me 10 dollars.
Well, keep the change? On a fare of 9.
90? You're welcome.
Look, if you want to get rich, Go on "who wants to be a millionaire.
" Your people are good at that.
Oh! Are those my egg rolls, honeypie? Yes, they are, my darling.
I'll tip you later, handsome.
Are you two a couple? Easy, donna.
I think it's wonderful.
It keeps them both out of circulation.
Keep pushing, Ally.
Keep pushing! Come on, we're in the home strech.
Come on, honey, you're almost there.
Oh, mom, I didn't know it was going to be this tough.
Did you go through this with me? Sure did.
17 hours.
Then I owe you an apology.
I'm so sorry! It wasn't your fault.
I am sorry For all the grief I have put you through.
I'm sorry for the time that I stole all of your lipstick Out of your purse when I was 12.
And I'm sorry for the time That I charged all my friends 5 dollars to come in And look at you while you were sleeping! Breathe.
And I'm sorry for the time that I broke your favorite music box and blamed daddy.
I'm sorry for the time you had to come into school When I told all my teachers that you gave me cigarettes and whiskey for breakfast.
And you never gave me cigarettes! And whiskey bottles do look a lot like maple syrup bottles! It was an honest mistake! All right, honey, honey, shh.
Honey, I forgive you for everything you've ever done.
Okay? Come on, this baby's gonna make up for all of that.
This is it, Ally.
The baby's coming! Don't let go, mom! I won't.
I'm right here, baby.
Eddie? Whitey, you made it! What the hell are you wearing? Oh, we were kind of in a little role playing thing When we got the news about Ally.
It was a variant on the priest and the cheerleader routine.
Luther, what are you doing here? Videographer.
I take all the low angles.
That's where the money is.
Why you all handcuffed together? I don't want to talk about it.
No, we were just wondering I said I don't want to talk about it! Do you know how long it took us to find a cab? Somebody lost the key.
Well, technically, we know where it is, It's just we can't access it until after coffee tomorrow morning.
Dad, you made it! Of course I made it, I wouldn't miss this for the world.
Am I too late? You're not.
Baby hasn't come yet, george.
Good to see you.
And who are you? Well, this is Doug's father, george.
And this Joy's mom, donna.
Oh, spanish.
And this is my friend Tina.
That's right.
And who's that? Oh, this is a clown I bought for the baby.
Oh, you brought a clown for the baby? No, I bought the clown for the baby.
Come on, do that thing.
You see, now, that's very funny? Kids love that.
Hey, he's here.
Mother, son and g-momma are doing fine! I'm not even going to ask.
Come on! Let's go see him! Let's go! Let's go! Hey, Whitey, you wanna come see the baby? No, it's ok.
We already have our own little guy.
Hey, bimbo, follow me.
Not you, sweetie.
That's the clown's name.
Have a seat.
I'm a lutheran.
I'm a prostitute.
Oh, a poodle! It's a giraffe, you moron.
Oh, that baby's so delicious, I could eat him up.
Oh, he is cute, isn't he? I'm serious.
I'm hungry.
He's the most beautiful baby ever born.
He is, isn't he? He takes after his daddy.
Hey, you guys picked out a name yet? We have.
We're going to name him Eddie.
Well, "Eddie" is a beautiful name.
It's perfect.
Well, I'm very honored.
Thank you.
It's fantastic.
Eddie, meet Eddie.
Hey, little guy.
Hi, Eddie.
Eddie? Yes? Credit card was declined.
I think she's talking to you.
I'll get this one.
How much is it? Do you take cash? We sure do.
And throw in a bottle of vicodin for me.
hey, little buddy, sitting all by yourself in your crib your mama and your papa watching blue-ray movies while you make them a gift pretty soon, mama's gonna come into your room and open up a present that can only be made by you you grab both your feet and say "hey" "smells like a great day" Have a great day, buddy.
It was bad enough that they took my beautifully researched epic, Which, by the way, I was going to call "the infinitive story of the hindenburg" And turned it into "benny the blimp!" No! "Definitive.
" What did I say? Did I say "infinitive?" But that means like even a bigger book, right?
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