Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! (2007) s05e01 Episode Script


[ANNOUNCER] It's Tim and Eric
Awesome Show Great Job!
With Tim Heidecker!
Eric Wareheim!
Tim Heidecker.
Eric Wareheim.
Tim Heidecker.
Eric Wareheim.
Tiiiiiiiim Heidecker!
Eric-ric-ric-ric Wareheim.
Tim Heidecker.
Eric Wareheim.
And Tim Heidecker.
And Eric Wareheim.
Featuring David Lee Hart and
James Quall
And now ladies and gentlemen
Tim and Eric!
Who's excited to be here, huh?!
He didn't bow.
Will you stop?
He's trying to get my wallet!
Guys, welcome to
"Tim and Eric Awesome Show
Great Job."
You know, Tim
I was walking by your dressing
bathroom this afternoon, and
What'd you have for lunch?
Well, to be honest,
I had a mucho
grande beef burrito.
[AUDIENCE] Oh! Whoa!
And unfortunately
it's given me a
little "a diarrhea."
[laughs hysterically]
You know, we were thinking,
"What if we could invent a
product that
would put a stop to those runs
for good?"
Let's take a look at a clip.
We're gathered here this fine
afternoon to bless the union in
holy "macramony"
of Elliot Coe and Tenise Gray.
Elliot, do you take Tenise to be
your lawfully "waded" wife
to have and to hold til death
do you part?
Elliot, why aren't you
wearing your "Diarrheaphragm?"
My what?
The Cinco Diarrheaphragm.
It temporarily prevents diarrhea
by creating a damn in the large
intestine, or colon.
Lemme show you how it works.
First, the Diarrheaphragm
is inserted into-
the rectum using the
mechanical steel pole.
Then the Diarrheaphragm is
to stop the diarrhea for good.
Just like a beaver dam does!
And when you're ready to
evacuate the
brown river, you just pull the
I wish I would've known about
that before the wedding.
[Everyone laughs hysterically]
Just go to the bathroom
before the wedding.
You wanna try that again?
I do.
[ Happy music plays ]
Okay. You may now
kiss the bride.
Thanks, Cinco.
Wow! That was a hilarious
clip, Tim.
It sure was.
Hey, Eric.
What do you
think of all those cop shows
that are on TV these days?
Cops? Where are the cops?
[sarcastic] I'm innocent!
Yeah, that's right, Eric.
I'm an undercover cop.
Give me a break.
No. No.
I'm innocent.
You idiot! I'm not a cop!
I'm talking about the amazing
clip we have to show.
"Quall of Duty:
San Diego Streets."
247, we have a situation
on Pine Street.
Well, I suppose we should
head over.
You need to ask,
but you don't need
to ask me twice?
Sundays at six
just got a lot hotter
with the brand-new crime drama
for adults and children.
Stick 'em UP!
"What do you expect to do
with a cheap-looking knife like
It looks as though it
could fall apart
at any time."
That was Bob Hope.
[ANNOUNCER] David Liebe Hart.
I could show you
a good time for a
hundred dollars.
That sounds like
a plan to me.
We're police men!
We're policemen.
[ANOUNCER] "Quall of Duty ."
It's on tonight at six,
only on Channel Quive.
Home run!
We nailed that bit, Tim.
I love that bit.
Hey, you know what, Eric?
This crowd has been so
terrific, I feel like they need
some kind of reward.
You know what we
should give 'em?
A little --
Tim and Eric Dance!
Hold on a minute.
You okay?
Yeah. I'm sweating here.
Jeez. Here.
I got a rag for you, buddy.
Oh, thanks.
What's all this over my arm?
Whoa! Smells like pup.
But I don't get it.
I've been using
the Diarrheaphragm.
Maybe this next video
will have some
answers for you.
Let's take a look.
I'm Corbin Bernsen from the TV
show "L.A. Law."
These days I also happen to be
an amateur lawyer.
Diarrheabedis can result from a
massive build up of diarrhea,
begins secreting itself through
pours in the skin.
Diarrhea simply has no place
else to go.
Signs of Diarreabedis are
Brown Sweat.
General bad odor.
Bad breath.
Brown mucus or spit and flies
in your skin and body hair.
Call right now to find out if
you qualify for
a very small cash settlement.
This is my personal home
If I'm not there,
leave a message with my son.
Call Corbin Bernsen's home phone
right now to receive your free
check for twenty-five dollars!
[People hooting and
And now something I wanna
Honey, you're my "puppsie pups."
And I'm gonna miss you running
around the
old colonial Dutch house.
barbeque meat games with your
old "pep-pep."
And I'm not always gonna be
around to help you
connect with the internet
via wi-fi.
You got a new man for that now.
He's not a cute man,
but he's an OK man.
I mean you picked him.
Let's take a look at a clip.
I should jump over there and
beat the CRAP OUTTA YOU!
Maybe we have to tone
it down a bit.
Hey, man, I didn't kill
Stop it! Come over here.
I'm worried more about you than
I am about him.
Is everything OK with you?
My wife has been
sleeping with every
damn Tom, Dick, and Harry in
She's been just having a
dinner of sex with every man she
can find!
Don't worry I'm your best
friend you can always
talk to me.
It's "Brule's Rules."
With Channel 5's
Dr. Steve Brule.
Hi. I'm Dr. Steve Brule.
We'll focus on genders.
Some people are boys but
then wanna be girls.
Some girls wanna
be boys. Just be happy
with your "virgana!
" You got it already.
Don't have to make a new one.
And if you got a "panis,"
just keep on it.
Don't cut it off.
Hey, everyone.
Thank you so much for
a great show tonight.
You guys have been awesome.
I wanna thank all the executive
producers out there --
especially you guys
here in the studio!
Yeah. And an extra-special
thanks to
everyone watching at home, Tim.
All right. Stay tuned next
week for
another episode of
"Tim and Eric Awesome Show--"
Good night.
Good night everybody.
[all talking at once]
Thank you.
[ audience applause ]
You better wise up
and quite making these
kind of mistakes.
Come early, or don't show up.
Thank you.
Next Episode