Titan Maximum (2009) s01e02 Episode Script


NEWSCASTER: Experts now say the enemy robot was a mechanical- organic hybrid of unknown design and origin.
If not for the return of Titan Maximum, civilian casualties could have numbered in the thousands Admiral? Titan Force Five is here.
I'm saying get a second monkey, we can even name it Jodi, like Jodi Two.
You're the pilot who doesn't know a yoke from a vibrator! So our team would be Dude, hot chick, nerd, monkey, monkey.
Girls, girls, relax.
You both sucked equally.
BOTH: What? Admiral! There he is! B- to the itchface.
Now look, I'm sure you are rarin' to put some medals on our chests and all.
First things first, we busted our robot.
So we're gonna need about a hundred billion for a re-design and oh another twenty for, uh Willie! What's the name? Nunchuks! Made out of lasers! Yes! Laser-ass nunchuks! Um, I scribbled this on the way over, and, well, it's not to scale or anything, but Okay, ignore him.
Let's break out the champagne while you write the check! Commander Palmer Lieutenants Nerd Monkey On behalf of the entire navy get the fuck outta my office! Sir? The happiest day of my life was retiring that damn robot.
Pardon my french We just saved the whole world! Yeah, and by the way Again! And thank you kindly.
But dealing with you idiots on a daily basis is an uncommon brand of hell I'm not about to suffer through again.
Oh, were you talking about that delicious, uncommon brand called awesome? Really? Let me refresh your memory.
Welcome, one and all, to the grand unveiling of the statue of unity! Let her mighty book be a siren's call to all those who seek Oh, my God! It's Titan Maximum! [scatting] Titan back, Titan back [singing] ALL: [muffled singing] Um, people [nervous laugh] Just part of the show- Oh my God! Titan Maximum's raping the Statue of Unity! I find that anecdote charming.
Get out! Sir, Gibbs is still out there! I've got We've got to bring him to justice! Gibbs dumped her.
It was brutal.
We've already traced his ship back to Erriapus.
Gibbs will be in custody within the hour.
No control panel.
We'll have to blow this door.
Blow the door? On the first date? All right, let's Fourth-of-July this mother! The most wanted man in the solar system is in there, and I wanna punch him right in the ballbag while we still have the element of surprise.
Uugggh! OI' Admiral Bitchface strikes again! Uh, well, maybe if you didn't call him names, he wouldn't be so- that is his name, stupid.
From the German "Bichfass.
" Just like your name is Willie, but everyone calls you "Dickhead.
" They do? That's the same thing.
Willie, dickhead.
Well, there goes our ass.
Guys, fuck this.
I'm on it.
then Martian scientists and Martian investigators must be allowed to examine the monster's remains! Mr.
Prime Minister, this is so far an isolated event and you will of course be kept apprised of all our findings.
Good day.
you martian dipstick.
Ahem! [Chuckles] Sir, sir? Your daughter is here.
Send her in.
Hello, sweetheart.
Daddy! My robot broke.
Make them buy me a new one.
Right, well you see Daddy.
Honey You know I never approved of you flying around in that thing.
Uh, so what? Titan Maximum is expensive and unnecessary during peacetime Um, duh? Duh? Unnecessary? It was necessary like five minutes ago! Yes, but once Gibbs is arrested Daddy, I'm bored without the robot! My life sucks ass without the robot! The robot makes me cool.
Baby girl, life is not about being cool! Life has nothing to do with being cool! I mean Dammit, Sasha! Maybe instead of a new robot, you need to, I don't know, grow the hell up! You're the President's daughter, for God's sake! Stop playing pilot like it's some kind of dress-up game, stop acting like a damn fool in those sexy clubs, use your head for once and actually do something with your life! I I use my head.
Oh, honey I'm, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have yelled.
Okay, so can I have the robot? Fine! This is gonna be one big explosion.
You want a big explosion? Tell my mother-in-law her cooking sucks.
Dammit, Plinkerson, military statute 44B-1 B might dictate that every squad contains a jester for the purposes of, "comedic relief in the form of ironic lightheartedness during stressful field operations," but mister, I sure do not have to like it.
I'm sorry! God, I never wanted to join the Jester Corps! I signed up to be a Systems Analyst! I know I'm not funny! I'm the least funny person I know! Fire in the hole! Aaaaaaaaaaggh! I'm so pissed! Any luck? He's just a dumb, old-ass man with a head full of dumb-ass crap! Well, he did Shut up about my father, Jodi! We just saved the entire Moon! For the billionth time! How has everyone forgotten already? Then make them remember! What? You're Titan Force Five! I mean, you guys are like black-belts in the most amazing skill of all! What skill? Being famous! Who the hell is that? [Giggles] My name's Clare! Uh Hi there! Don't be scared, darlin' I'm not! Are you hurt? Oh, I don't get hurt.
Not like you! Huh? [Clare giggles] Blips?!? Nooooo! Do your job, Plinkerson! Oh, God! Oh, God! Knock knock! Who's there? Oh, God I don't want to die like thiiiiis!!! [Giggling] Orange you glad I didn't say banana? REPORTER: The crowd outside the Capitol has swelled to tens of thousands, in furious protest of the decision to abandon Titan Maximum! Son of a bitch.
Demonstrators have already attempted to burn President Caylo in effigy, but the effigy turned out to be a startled homeless man.
[Man screaming] Admiral, emergency transmission from Erriapus.
Put it through! Sergeant?!? They're gone, sir! They're all gone! What happened, man? Her backpack It's a froggy Damn it, no! Kisses, you old bastard.
[Growls] Come on! Everybody with me! You let those pencil-pushing, penny-pinching pinheads know that you are piiiiiissed! Um if you want Titan Maximum back, be really loud! [Crowd roars] Whooooo-hoooo!!! [Cheering continues] Huh? Boobs! Oh my God, the people are going blood crazy! Sir, Admiral Bitchface is on the line.
President, Erriapus was a disaster.
Gibbs wiped out my whole team.
What? But- but you said- Cripes! Sir, your daughter is mimicking fellatio on a not now! Aww, fuck it, Admiral! Love them or hate them, we've got to bring back Titan Maximum! Sir, sir, now your daughter is mimicking fellatio on two I don't want to know! Has anyone seen my glove compartment? I um, really need to find that glove compartment.
Man, Titan Maximum got effed up! Hey, is that a glove compartment? This is the greatest day of my liiiife! Well, you win.
The President has authorized ten million Zurichs to reconstruct Titan Maximum.
Really? Ha ha! Yay! Hey, hey, yeah whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on.
Ten million is chump change.
Oh, and by the way He's your engineer.
No way! But he's an idiot! We can't spare engineers.
And according to your brother's dossier, he has an engineering degree.
From Devry! I have a dossier? Sir, the President agreed to five hundred million Zurichs for Titan Maximum.
Take the balance, funnel it into the other account.
Project Colostomy is a go.
Looks like we got our work cut out for us.
Neptune just reported a seismic disruption.
It's identical to the one that the monster caused on Titan.
We're on it.
But Titan Maximum isn't ready! Get with the program, Willie.
Half-assed is our way of life.
Uh, can I pee first? No you may not! Uh, how do we go to the bathroom in deep space? We go in our suits, Willie.
They're designed for it.
Cool! What? No we go in Jodi.
We go in our suits.
[Chuckles] Whoa! Usually Titan black handles like a lead duck! Great job on the new control interface, Willie! Thanks.
Neptune flight plan should be on your nav panel now, Palmer.
Nah-nah-nah-nah, we'll get to that.
But first, I'm thinking we should introduce our adoring public to the new Titan Maximum.
Right! ALL: Titan Maximum! Um, yeah, sorry, didn't have time to finish the face, so I'm sure it's fine, Willie! Ugh, idiots! I knew it would suck.
One of those damn fools has been peein' in his suit!