Toast of London (2013) s01e00 Episode Script

The Unspeakable Play (Pilot)

1 Yes.
How lovely, darling! Yes.
- Jane, I - Y-Yeah.
Yes, it's spelt plough, but pronounced "pluff"'.
As in Brian Clough? The sportsman? OK! Tremendous fun! Good Lord! - Ahahaha! Absolutely! - I have to be on stage at 7.
30.
Aha-ha-ha-ha! Yes! Urgh! Shit! Actually, can I call you back? What the hell? I've stung my bloody eyes! Your nozzle was pointing arse-ways.
Well, at least now I've got your attention.
- Are you all right, Toast? - It's not been a good week.
I'm sleeping in a tiny chair.
My back is killing me.
I've just got divorced.
And they're still protesting at (HORN BLASTS DROWN SPEECH) At what? The bloody play that you put me in! Well, it's controversial stuff.
People may not be ready for it.
Like Shakespeare in the 16th century.
You know, I think people only got Shakespeare when Lenny Henry started doing it.
And I've lost my watch.
And earlier I coughed and nearly followed through in Oddbins.
Aren't they facing liquidation? Yeah.
They're not the only ones, my dear! Is that Ray Purchase? Oh, yes! Now, that's when he was in that Ray Cooney farce.
He drew that himself.
(LAUGHS) He's such a fucking buffoon! The last I heard he was using his skills as a police artist.
He draws Identikit pictures of criminals.
Hm! Ray Purchase Everything about that man was a complete and utter farce.
Come on, you dirty bastard! I am giving you my all, Mrs Purchase! My bloody all! Come on, you shitbag! Hold on, I'm nearly there.
I can feel my balls fizz.
(DOOR CLOSES) What the hell are you doing? - Didn't you hear that? - What? Ray's home! You said he was doing a radio with Wendy Craig.
Quick! Get in the wardrobe! - What wardrobe? - That one there! Jesus Christ! Hello, darling.
I thought you were recording that radio show.
No.
Wendy threw up her lasagne.
Went everywhere.
Mmm You look nice.
- Not now, Ray.
- Ah.
- What the hell is this? - Nothing.
- Have you been - No! Is there Is somebody in that? Oh, Ray, you're being ridiculous! Is someone in there? Come out! Right.
I'll get to the bottom of this.
I'm going to get the axe.
Oh, not the axe! Ray, you're being ridiculous.
(WHISPERING) Toast! I've dropped the bloody key on the floor.
I can't find it.
- I'm not sure what I should do.
- Stop talking.
- I'm almost certain he'll go away.
- Yeah.
Oh, no! Right! Hello.
I'm Steven Toast.
I believe we share the same agent.
What?! I was jogging past the building and remembered you'd just moved in.
What? So I thought I'd call in on your beautiful wife.
What? You dropped in for a quickie, did you? - For some knob-jogging? - Knob-jogging? No, no, no, I think you mean knob-jockeying.
- Come on, then, Toast.
- Really? Yep.
Your marriage is a farce, Purchase.
Notice the emphasis I put on the word "farce"? Oh, let it go, Toast.
How old is Kenton Schwepps? Oh, I don't know.
He's about 20 No, no, don't tell me.
I'll just get upset.
Actually, Kenton Schwepps has pulled out of a voice-over this afternoon.
He's gone AWOL with another actor's fiancée.
You could do it instead.
They literally want you to say one word.
Even if it's a long word, won't take more than a few minutes.
Well, no word takes longer than a few minutes.
I remember learning that at RADA.
Are there any words you won't say? Any words that you're uncomfortable with? Yes, I refuse to say the word unsheathed.
Oh, now, actually, they've given me the word they want you to say.
What is it? Yes.
Sorry? Yes.
They want you to say the word yes.
Can you say that? Yes.
Anyway, how were you settling in with Ed? Well, I'm glad it's not long-term.
He has a very unusual setup with an aged agoraphobe.
Goodhouse.
Yes, it's odd.
Yes! Oh, I like your drawings, Toast.
The naive style.
Well, it's my own style, Ed.
I'm not sure what it's called.
ED: I might ask you to take that one of the yacht off the wall.
Goodhouse.
She gets perturbed by anything that smacks of the great outdoors.
All right.
Actually, maybe best remove them all.
Don't want you feeling too much at home.
No, of course.
As soon as I get my own place, I'll be gone.
- Ah.
- I'm seeing my brother Blair later, and there's a possibility I could stay at his club.
He's the soldier, isn't he? Yes.
He came back from the Falkland Islands with an amputated hand.
Really? I'd have thought he'd have left it there.
No, I think he did.
(WOMAN SQUEALS) Ah.
That's Goodhouse.
Letting off a bit of steam.
So Sleep well, Toast? Not great, Ed.
The walls are pretty thin.
Couldn't help overhearing your lovemaking.
You don't half shift through the gears.
Made my teeth rattle.
- (WOMAN SQUEALS) - Oh, please! (MAN GRUNTS AND WOMAN SQUEALS) Ah.
You and Goodhouse, you're not (DRONES) She's not my wife.
Oh, I see.
My wife lives in Swaziland.
The French handle this type of thing much better than us, don't they? (WOMAN SIGHS LOUDLY) Now, you're probably curious about Goodhouse's agoraphobia.
I'm afraid we had a bit of a set-back yesterday.
- I don't want to leave.
- Come on, Goodhouse.
We'll just walk down the end of the road.
Nothing can go wrong.
All right.
All right, let's do it.
Excellent.
Excellent.
We can be totally confident about it being a complete success.
So she hasn't been outside for two years, and the first thing she sees is a flasher? Apparently, the police have been after this fellow for some time.
He used to be known as the Tooting Flasher.
It appears that he's now, as it were, expanded his operations across the south-east.
Got a little cocky, you might say! Yeah.
Did you get a good look at his face? No.
No.
One finds oneself in that situation somewhat transfixed.
Oh, yes.
Of course.
Jolly good of Ed to agree to put you up for a while.
This is a helluva long meeting, Jane.
We just need to discuss the TV drama.
It's a marvellous part.
A week's work.
Filming in Spain.
- No.
- It'll be the end of July.
Cliff Promise is producing.
Oh, right, I've met him.
Yes, he's pretty sure you're right for the role, but wants to see you read.
He wants to see me read? Well, he can fuck that sky-high.
No.
It's just a formality.
But he needs to see you today.
But I have to meet my brother.
Now that's the one! I've got to end this meeting now, Jane.
This is the thing, it's a bit of a weird one about Cliff Promise.
He's been in trouble recently, so he's kind of out of action.
What do you mean, out of action? He's in jail.
Cliff Promise is in jail? Well, only for a short time! What the hell for? This'll knock you bandy.
He's in for holocaust denial.
What?! It's very odd.
The thing about Clifford is that he actually has lots of Jewish friends, but he just thinks the figures don't add up.
Should I be auditioning for a holocaust denier? My father was in the Army.
He was in Auschwitz.
Really? When? 1945.
Just after they opened it up to the tourists.
You know, I think it's as much a free speech thing with Cliff as anything.
He's not a Nazi, is he? When I met him at Caroline Quentin's house-warming party last year, he didn't come across as a Nazi.
He was wearing the SS uniform, but he didn't come across as a Nazi.
You know, like Prince Harry wears one.
It's just a bit of fun.
He was also questioned by the police after a racial chanting incident.
Where? At a football match, presumably.
No.
On the set of Inspector Somerset.
He didn't agree with the casting of Bennet Carnival.
Because Bennet Carnival's black? Yes.
Well, didn't he play the Nigerian ambassador in that? Talking of racial matters the Evening Standard rang me earlier.
What do those fuckers want? They left a message about wanting me to talk about Asians.
What do I know about Asians? They probably meant agents.
After all, you are an agent.
Oh, that could be it.
All right, where do I have to meet him? (BUZZER) - (BUZZING CONTINUES) - Oh, bugger.
I say, I think I may have broken your doorbell.
Steven.
Cliff Promise.
Lovely to meet you.
Oh, that's such a great touch.
Sorry, what? The blinking.
David's nervous, so he blinks.
It's not even in the script, but it's so right! No, I sprayed perfume in my eyes earlier.
Why? It was an accident? OK, let's just give it a read.
You have the scenes? Oh, right.
Excellent.
Ah, I can read the part of Daisy.
Erm I suggest from the bit where David's drunk and they're having a bit of an argument in the villa.
You seemed to be paying a bit of attention to Roger the other night.
That bit? Yes, that's it.
OK.
You seemed to be paying a bit of attention to Roger the other night.
Are you drunk again, David? Too much wine always brings out your jealous rages.
Maybe a bit of blinking, Steven.
I loved what you were doing with that.
Right.
You were practically throwing yourself at him.
I'll just stop it there.
Very good.
But were you doing him slightly Jamaican? I thought I detected a little patois.
There's no way David is Jamaican! OK, let's trot on.
All right, is my character gay? Yes! You're an undercover gay detective.
Well, shall I do him camp? You could try it.
Do you want to try it? Well, he's probably trying to hide it.
He is married.
Trying to catch a killer.
Really? Look, I'll try something.
Good for you! The first time he came down from Siptus, you were practically throwing yourself at him! And that bitch of a wife! Bollocks! Eh? - This one here's a gay bent copper.
- Sorry, everything all right here? And he smells of perfume! Get your bloody hands off me! (ALARM SOUNDS) When will I hear? Which way's London? That way.
Unbelievable! I blew his head off completely! And, when I say completely, I mean completely.
Well, I imagine when one blows someone's head off, there's no half measures? His head shot up into the air and landed in my lap.
Now, what happened next I will never forget.
He looked me straight into the eyes and, as God is my witness, he mouthed the words "Thank you.
" Oh, Steven, you would have loved the Army life.
It was good enough for our father and grandfather.
It's not too late, you know.
I think it is too late, Blair.
The acting life is the life for me.
Is that a new hand? What? Oh, yeah.
Usual one's getting fixed! So I hear this play you're in (CLOCK CHIMES) is a piece of shit! It's true the subject matter could be considered robust.
It beats running the risk of getting your head blown off.
Although, I was almost set on fire during rehearsal.
I've lost count of the number of times I've been set on fire.
It kept me on my toes! Wouldn't do you any harm, either.
Excellent! It's been great seeing you, Blair, but I've a voice-over in Soho, and the studio's booked.
A studio peopled exclusively by homosexuals, no doubt? Well, there'll probably be at least one homosexual.
They are one in ten of the male population.
Not in the Army, they're not.
The number of homosexuals in the Army? Absolutely none.
(BOTTLE POPS) (GUN FIRES) Every bloody time.
No.
Well, well, well, look who it is.
Oh, Jesus! You can't believe your eyes, can you, Toast? It's me, Ray Purchase.
You didn't know I was a member of this club, did you? The only club you should be a member of, Purchase, is a club for arseholes! I heard that new play you're in is terrible.
What, you mean (WATER DROWNS OUT SPEECH) Yeah, of course I mean (WATER DROWNS OUT SPEECH) I've never forgotten you, Toast.
Oh, no, I have never forgotten you.
Well, excuse me while I dry my hands.
Dry your hands, eh? Why not dry your eyes as well? (DRIER BLOWS) Good God, Toast.
Hey, Steven, ready for you now.
Do you want any water or anything? I've got some here.
- Are we rolling? - Yeah, in your own time.
Yes.
Er, that was brilliant, Steven.
Really, really brilliant, everyone very happy here.
Let's just get a few more.
Yeah.
OK.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
OK? Er, Steven, that was really good.
Feeling is here that you could be a bit more positive.
More positive? Yeah, you know.
Really go for it.
You want me to go for it? Yeah.
All right.
Yes! Er, it's good, very, very good.
Let's just try without the script, it might just loosen you up a little bit.
What is it, one word? You don't really need it.
I probably don't need the script, it's just a word.
Yeah.
OK, let's do it again.
Yes! - Was that it? - Yes.
Right.
- Hi, Steven.
- Yes.
- This is Clem Fandango.
- OK.
Can you hear me? - Yes.
- Honestly, this is going so great, but I just think there was a little loss of energy in that last take.
Maybe try one more.
- OK, ready to go? - Yeah.
- What? - Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!! Yeees! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yees! Yeees! Yes! Yes! Oh, fuck Yes! Yees! Yeees! Yeeees! Yes! (MORE LOUDLY) Yes! Fuck Jesus! - Steven? - What? How would you feel about doing a no? Are you crying? Clem Fandango, I have to be on the stage at 7.
30.
Honestly, Steven, how long will it take to say a no? # I had dreams # So did we all # But then life begins # My curtain call # I'm alone and scared # You are a fool # When you die, who'll care? # I guess you're right # So kill me with jazz # Yes # Yes # Yes Yes! TV: And now we have a police Identikit drawing of a suspect that police are very keen to talk to in connection with a series of incidents of indecent exposure across London and the south-east.
The man, originally known as the Tooting Flasher Do you recognise that face? Do you have any information Ray bloody Purchase! (RAY CHUCKLES) (PHONE RINGS) Bloody hell! Yes! Toast, I've just been watching Crimescene.
Ed! Look, I can't deal with this right now.
I don't think you should stay here at the flat any more.
Look, Ed, it wasn't me! It was Ray Purchase.
It was a poor show, Toast, poor bloody show.
You've sent Goodhouse firmly back to square one.
(SILENCE) - (STAGE BUZZER) - I'm on stage, I've got to go.
How long does this protest go on? Until the end of the show! Good! This is disgusting! Boo! - (AUDIENCE GASPS) - (BLEEP)