Toast of London (2013) s01e04 Episode Script


Up periscope.
Down periscope.
Hi, Steven.
This is Clem Fandango.
- What, the work experience boy? - Yeah, can you hear me, Steven? Yeah, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.
Where's that other prick? Danny? He's DJing at a music festival this weekend.
Yeah, just to be clear, so these'll be heard on every submarine in the Royal Navy? Yeah, they're just automating and digitising everything, you know.
The Commander presses a button, and the recording of your voice will be heard immediately Yeah, I'm not interested in all that.
Can we just crack on? Fire the nuclear weapons! Steven, that was good.
But do you think you can give it another try, this time saying it in a less alarming way? Less alarming? I've just given the order to fire the nuclear weapons.
I've just unleashed Armageddon! Yes, but the feeling here is that you could do it in a way which is a little less dramatic.
It's just a little bit over the top at the moment.
Have fun with it.
Fire the nuclear weapons! That was a little bit too far the other way, a bit too, um jolly.
You know, why don't you just try it a few more times? Fire the nuclear weapons! Fire the nuclear weapons! Fire the nuclear weapons! Fire the nuclear weapons! Fire the nuclear weapons! Yeah! Do you want to move on to the next one, Steven? You can come back to that later.
Abandon the vessel immediately.
So, they put the lot of them out in the field and they started eating grass.
Sorry, Ed, I don't understand.
You don't eat grass, you smoke it.
Not if you're a cow.
Oh! Sorry.
I thought you were talking about the Rolling Stones.
Day off, Toast? Yes.
I'm meeting Portia de Coogan.
- The nurse? - Yeah.
Strange career choice for the daughter of Lord Fotheringham.
- Who's he? - He's very close to Cameron.
Looks in line for a top job at the next cabinet reshuffle.
He's come along way since being a producer at Radio 1 in the '70s.
Portia's definitely my type.
We have exactly the same sense of humour.
I told her a joke last week.
She found it extremely amusing! Did she laugh heartily? No.
She doesn't show any external signs of enjoyment.
But I know she finds me very funny and great company.
She was a girl of the forest A virgin, they say Whoa, Ed! That's really loud! How do you think Iain Duncan Smith is doing at Work and Pensions? Sorry, Toast.
I shouldn't talk politics at the breakfast table.
You know, I met Thatcher once at Lionel Blair's house.
Surprised to see her drink Heineken from a can.
You know, when I started courting my wife, she used to dress up as Mrs Thatcher.
The blue twinset.
Slowly undoing her buttons to reveal no-nonsense M&S underwear.
Yours truly relishing the role of the blimpish Denis obeying her every command.
Ever interested in anything like that, Toast? - Powerful women? - Mm.
Maybe in uniform? - Ah.
- You all right, Toast? Sorry, Ed.
I must have drifted off there.
Toast, I'm a little uncomfortable here.
I don't think I should be wearing my nurse's uniform.
- But you're a nurse.
- Yes, but And you've just come off the night shift.
I should have gone home and changed.
That'd have been a massive waste of time.
Look, we'll have a couple of drinks here then maybe go and see a film.
How about a comedy? I love to laugh.
Toast, I've been meaning to talk to you.
- You're talking to me now.
- Yes.
It's about the sense of humour issue.
I have a terrific sense of humour.
It's just very dry.
Often mistaken for having no sense of humour at all, much like Mandelson, or Nigel Mansell.
- Who? - Same as my father before me.
And my aunts.
You know, my family were known as the dry Toasts.
Really? Ellen, my soon to be ex-wife, thought I literally couldn't see the funny side of anything.
She's quite wrong.
It's just very, very dry.
I think it's about time you met my father.
He has the most wonderful sense of humour, and it's very important that you laugh at his jokes.
But you may not be able to tell what is a joke and what isn't.
Well, maybe if you tell me what his jokes were beforehand, then I'll know when to laugh.
Well, Father doesn't write actual jokes for his conversations.
He tends to be more spontaneous.
He just may make, for example, well, an off-the-cuff remark about Boris Johnson, - and you'll have to laugh at it.
- OK.
So, he mentions Boris Johnson - and I'll laugh.
- No.
But he may mention Boris Johnson not in the context of a joke.
Well, how's that possible? Listen.
I have a friend of a friend.
Mm! He's a stand-up comedian - called Russell House.
- Oh.
In order for us to keep seeing each other, you need to be a little funnier.
I asked Russell to e-mail me some funny lines and amusing quips that you could try out.
"I'm going up to Edinburgh next month.
I've been so busy.
"But I think there's some good stuff here.
" Yeah, I could try something like that.
Anything with a Scots reference is usually quite funny.
No, no, that's just the first line of the e-mail to me.
That's not a joke.
- Did you think that was a joke? - No.
- Toast? - Dubbing request just in.
Bloody hell, Jane! It's my day off! They just need you to do some more voice-overs for the nuclear submarine.
I thought I'd finished all that "Up periscope, down periscope" jazz.
They just need a few additions.
They are paying you handsomely for this, Toast.
It's the Ministry of Defence.
COBRA, to be precise.
One doesn't say no to COBRA.
Well, how long will I be there? Oh, they're complete perfectionists, the Royal Navy.
I'd say about three and a half hours.
Oh, God.
Yes, please.
Bloody hell.
Stay where you are, Portia de Coogan.
I'll be right back.
- Well, how long will you be? - Three and a half hours.
OK, Steven, thanks for coming in at such a short notice.
Really appreciate it.
You ready to go? In your own time.
Disem bark.
- Sorry, I'll do that again.
- No, that's fine.
- What? - That's fine.
You got it in one.
I coughed halfway through it.
Did didn't notice anything.
I That's perfect, Steven.
We've got all the voice-overs.
Now you're free to go.
What, so that's it? But they told me I'd be here for three and a half hours.
I broke into a romantic date for this.
I could be in the cinema laughing my arse off! Well, you're free now, Steven.
That's all we need.
Yeah? Well, fuck you three! Steven! Blair, what the hell are you doing here? Is that a new hand? Oh, yes.
Usual one's getting fixed.
Toby told me you were doing more voice-overs for the submarine.
Called the studio.
They said you'd be here.
What's that got to do with you? And who the hell is Toby? Do you mean the Vice Commander of the sub, second in charge? The Navy is his whole life.
He's the complete opposite of the kind of pinko long-hairs you run with.
He's immensely proud of this submarine.
She's been completely refurbished.
Almost everything is run by computers.
The only thing they physically have to do is put out the rubbish when they dock in port.
- So, who's the new commander? - What? Who's the new commander? I'm Commander Susan Scott-Goram.
Is one of you gentlemen Steven Toast? I am the Steven Toast that you require.
This is my brother Blair.
Well, I wanted to let you know how much we appreciate your voice-over work on this.
Well, it's very good of you to come.
We're all very proud of our newly refurbished submarine, the Penetrator.
Penetrator? Mm, that's a great name.
Surprised it hasn't been taken already.
In equity there was another actor called Steven Toast, so he had to change his name to Chris Bread.
- Crisp Bread? - No, Chris Bread.
Should have been you who changed your name.
The disgrace! A Toast in the acting game.
You must come to the relaunch.
It's tomorrow afternoon.
Steven is in a play here in London.
- I'm afraid he won't be able to.
- I'd love to.
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge will be in attendance.
Do you know them? I'm afraid I don't know any of the minor royals.
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are Prince William and Kate Middleton.
Oh, yes.
By by minor royals, I meant royals that aren't the Queen.
Well, I hope you both can come.
Good day, gentlemen.
Can you believe someone like that is commanding a royal submarine? You know, a strumpet like that can just waltz in, get the top job.
It's your lot at The Guardian.
Political correctness gone off the bloody scale! She seems perfectly capable to me.
A girl in charge of our nuclear sub? Might as well hand it over - to the Monty Python team! - Who? Oh, I haven't got time to sit here talking nonsense with you in this bugger house! I'm off! Mm.
Oh, God.
You'd forgotten your hat.
Ah, there she is.
Oh, God.
Cocoa time.
Yeah, just put it there.
Letter came for you.
I put it downstairs on the table.
Yes, I got it.
Nice royalty cheque from that TV miniseries I did a few years ago.
Which? The prequel to Brideshead Revisited.
Oh, yes.
What was that called? Brideshead.
Of course.
So how are you getting on with Portia? She wants me to meet her father.
Apparently the old bugger's got some fondness for jokes and Portia's very keen that I'm amusing in his company.
So, you need some jokes, do you? Not jokes as such.
Well, maybe little things to say so people think you're fun.
Such as? You know, simple phrases taxi drivers use.
Like, "I believe you, thousands wouldn't.
" Um"What can I do you for?" as opposed to "What can I do for you?" No.
"Don't give up the day job.
" That's useful when No, Ed.
They're not jokes as such.
They're just little things to say.
Yes, probably fine in the hands of taxi drivers or cockneys or even Geordies.
If I said anything like that, people'd think I was fucking crackers.
Or maybe when somebody says to you, "Didn't I see you on telly last night?", you say, "I hope it wasn't Crimewatch.
" I don't get it.
When someone says, "Didn't I see you on telly last night?" And then you say, "I hope it wasn't Crimewatch UK", and they say No, just Crimewatch.
The "UK" ruins it cos the rhythm Yeah, don't waste your time, Ed.
It's not going to work.
Sleep well, Toast.
Help me step out of my life Leave behind my troubles, fear and strife Would you take me far away with you In your uniform so smart and new? We could sail the seven seas Hand in hand, we could march victoriously I would always feel so safe with you In your uniform so smart and new Have you actually seen the royal couple? William and Kate? Mm.
Yes, I was just chatting to them.
It transpires that none of us has ever had to change a duvet cover.
Ah! Ha! Ha-ha-ha! Well, of course, Toby is related to the happy couple.
On the, er right side, I should add.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! My father is the Queen's fifth cousin.
Drink, Toby? I'm sorry to be frightfully boring, but, er still on duty.
Better not.
Yeah, yeah, course, course.
Anyone seen the Commander around? Actually, I haven't seen her today, no.
Excuse me a moment.
I have some things to take care of.
Yes, yes, of course.
Ha-ha! Why the hell did you mention that bloody woman? Must be killing him that a tart like her should be in charge of this magnificent vessel.
Of course, if he was an Afro-Caribbean lesbian running the Notting Hill Carnival, he'd be in charge of the entire bloody Navy by now.
Do you know, I've never been on a submarine before? I might go for a bit of a wander.
Might bump into the Commander.
Don't stray into any unauthorised areas.
Hm! Ooh.
Toast! I'm surprised to see you here.
I did the voice-over for the submarine.
Oh, yes.
Well, this is my father, Lord Fotheringham.
Father, this is Steven Toast.
Sorry? What's that? It's just a low grumble.
Er it's nice to meet you.
Er Portia tells me you have a terrific sense of humour.
Much like myself.
What are you doing in an unauthorised area? Hm.
Well, I might ask you the same question.
I'm the Minister of Defence.
Really? There was a reshuffle this morning.
Is Duncan Smith still at Work and Pensions? How about Boris Johnson for the top job? I said Boris Johnson.
I have to leave now.
Father is giving a speech.
Are you coming? Is that the Commander's hat? Er yes, she must have dropped it.
She's around here somewhere.
What the hell are you up to, Toast? Steven? Oh! You haven't seen the Commander, have you? I wonder, could I have a quick word? Something I want to talk to you about.
Won't take a second.
This way.
Care for a brandy? A brandy? Er yes, please.
You're not having one yourself? Still on duty.
Oh, of course.
Bottoms up! So Blair tells me you're in show business.
Well, yes, I'm an actor.
The Navy must seem very stuffy for someone who's used to hanging around with people like Benedict Cumberbatch.
Who? Listen.
There aren't too many people in the Navy I could discuss this with, but someone in your field may be a tad more understanding.
Fire away.
Well one night about a month ago, I was driving from Portsmouth to Cowes along a back road, when I saw a strange light in the sky Right.
And I began to realise that it was some sort of craft.
And then a door in the side of the craft suddenly opened and strange alien-like creatures began to emerge.
Well, at that point I suddenly passed out, and the next thing I remember was waking up with the distinct impression that the aliens had inserted an anal probe Oh! I was also left with the conviction that they expected me to carry out some sort of task.
They wanted me to launch a nuclear attack against the United States of America.
Could I have another brandy? Do.
Forgive me for talking about this, Toast.
I've only told you because you're an actor.
Imagine trying to explain this to the Minister of Defence.
Especially the new one.
Fotheringham? Yes.
Although I don't think he'll be around for too long.
Very strong rumours that he'll be arrested for misdemeanours at the BBC.
Really? The aliens chose me because I have access to nuclear weapons on this submarine.
So you plan to go through with this attack? Oh, yes.
The Commander has the special codes needed to launch an attack, so I've tied her up in the hold.
All I need to do is persuade her to hand them over.
Maybe you could help me with that.
Look, if I'm honest, I think you are Hm.
You will help, won't you, Steven? Yes! Mmf, mmf, mmf! Mmf! Mmf! All right, Commander, I'm sorry to have to break rank like this, but I need to have those codes.
Sorry, just before you do that, could I just Ah! Are you in on this too? We're all in on this - me, Vice Commander Hopkinson-Finch, and the aliens from the planet A-ah-ah-ah-ah! Have they been in contact with you as well? What? Look, just give him the codes.
I've got to be at the theatre at 7:30.
I need a direct order from the Prime Minister! Oh, the aliens have been in touch with him.
I'm expecting a phone call any minute.
Just give me the codes.
Look, you give me the codes and I'll write them down.
OK, er Six.
Um Ooh! I don't have a pen.
No, um Help! Help! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the official relaunch of the Penetrator.
It gives me great pleasure on my very first day as Defence Minister to launch this magnificently refurbished vessel.
Help! I don't suppose you fancy going for a drink some time, do you? Uh! Up periscope.
Down periscope.
Launch the nuclear weapons.
Abandon the vessel.
Help! The rubbish has been unloaded.
Afternoon tea is being served.
Please keep your belongings with you at all times.
Remember to wash your hands after handling the torpedoes.
Disem bark.
I assured the Prime Minister that I would not be "all at sea".
Ha! But I've come an awfully long way since those pioneering days at BBC Radio 1.
At that time, I was mainly concerned with airwaves, not the kind of waves that we're surrounded by today.
Ha! Yes.
How society has changed.
But one thing remains unchanged - the commitment of the Government to the men and women of the Royal Navy, who do such a valuable job as Britain faces the challenges of an uncertain and dangerous world.
Lord Fotheringham? Yes? We need you to come to the station with us.
There have been some complaints from female staff at the BBC dating back to the 1970s.
The 1970s? That's ages ago.
What are you standing around for? There's a crazed alien nut job in there, waving a piece at the Commander! Officers! I've managed to overpower the Vice Commander and he's under lock and key in the hold.
Sorry? What's this about? The Vice Commander.
He was threatening to take over the vessel and launch a nuclear strike.
Don't know anything about that, I'm afraid.
Oi! You don't have to chase him too, Toast! I'm not chasing him! I have to be at the theatre at 7:30.
Good God, Toast! Your brother Hm? .
wants to meet me for a drink.
You know, he really was quite impressive back there.
Well, perhaps he's considering a career in the services, even if it is only the Navy.
Well, his acting, when he pretended to play along with the Vice Commander's wishes, was highly effective.
He's clearly a very capable performer.
As long as he stays away from comedy.
He has absolutely no sense of humour.
Well, funny you should say that.
Did you know our family were known as the dry Toasts? Yes, I do know that.
Well, I suppose the service's loss is the theatre's gain.
Get off! Disgrace! Disgrace! Disgrace! Disgrace! Disgrace! Disgrace! Disgrace! Disgrace! You should be ashamed of yourself!