Toast of London (2013) s03e06 Episode Script

Global Warming

That's a cool hat.
Are you DJing tonight? Oh, yeah.
Dropping some MP3 bombs down at hip-hop karaoke.
What, at the social? No, above the multistorey car park by the Westway.
Oh, yeah.
Have you, um have you got any candies? Yeah, I've got loads.
How many do you want? Just a few.
I'm, er, pulling an all-nighter, so I'm thinkingsix? This programme contains very strong language Can we get on with this? Or have I got to sit and listen to you two talk about legwarmers all day? Sorry, man.
Steven, do you want a cup of tea before we start? There's a lot to get through.
You're not lying.
Jesus Christ, what the hell is this? The Bible? Well, that's exactly what it is.
We're recording an audiobook of the Bible.
Your agent not tell you? No, she didn't.
And if she had told me I'd be reading the Bible, I wouldn't have fucking agreed to it.
Steven, this is Clem Fandango.
Can you hear me? Er, not really, cock.
Not with all this Bible paper soundproofing the booth.
Oh, cheers, Bernice.
Oh, just a sec.
Umwhich cup is Steven's? Just leave them here.
I'll take it in to him.
What the fuck?! Are you fucking kidding me? Those pills are intense.
He'll be chewing the carpet.
Well, I'd better put another one in.
Oi! Where's my cup of tea? Coming! This is the most beautiful thing I've ever read.
It's better than Shakespeare.
And his ass was beautiful.
I'll read this one again.
Are we rolling? I love you.
Ah-ha! And I love you.
And did I tell you that I love you? Sod this.
Let's go from the beginning.
Where? Another one? Not for me, Ray.
I'm on in ten.
You see, I've timed it to perfection.
If I start running now, I can clear Soho, pirouette past the Lyceum, ascend the bendy bridge, jump onto the South Bank and just sashay into the Globe in exactly nine minutes.
Marvellous! Simply spot-on.
Go and knock 'em dead, young Cliff Bonanza.
There'll be one in the pipe for your return.
God, I envy the boy.
Off he goes to speak the greatest verse ever written, delivered proudly upon the most hallowed timber that is the Globe Theatre.
I know.
If I didn't have to hand over to some actress I hadn't seen since 1979, whilst emburdened with a sizeable mortgage, or taken a semi-regular role in Boon, then I, too, would be stood alongside him on that most prestigious of stages.
Mm, wouldn't we all, Cocker Boo? You know, I feel an actor cannot truly call himself an actor until he's performed at the Globe.
Couldn't agree with you more, Purchase.
Remind me, Toast, when was the last time you performed at the Globe? Sorry, Toast, we didn't hear you.
Could you project? Why have you got three fans, Jane? It's ridiculously hot! I was so embarrassed by Ray Purchase.
I had to leave the club immediately.
Could it get any hotter, Toast? According to Radio 4, we're currently experiencing the hottest weather since weather began.
Why are you shouting, Jane? How did that play go? Why are you shouting, Jane? What? These fans are silent.
You don't need to shout.
How did you get on in that radio comedy show? Good audience? Might be a problem with that show.
There were some people in wheelchairs at the front that I found particularly distracting, so I had them removed.
I see.
Hang on.
That's dreadful behaviour.
Kicking members of the audience out just because they're in wheelchairs? No, not because they're in wheelchairs, Jane.
Cos I found them distracting.
That could be the least politically correct thing anyone has ever done, ever.
Remember, Toast - the PC police are everywhere these days.
The what? Well, who cares? Ray bloody Purchase publicly humiliated me and, for once .
.
I had no comeback.
Well, you know what they say.
An actor cannot really call himself an actor until he's performed Performed at the Globe.
I know.
Which is why you are going to get me into the Globe.
I'm what? You are going to get me into the Globe.
They've all performed there.
Mm Kay Tightneck, Cocker Boo, Peanut Whistle, Una Length, Dick Weerdly, Sal Commotion, Scott Chestnut, Basil Watchfair, Iqbal Achieve, Nan Slack, Giuseppe Race, even Heathcote Pursuit! Every single one.
All performed at the Globe.
It won't be easy, Toast.
You'll have to impress Daz Klondyke.
He's taken over as creative director, literally this morning.
Yeah, I had heard a rumour.
He is possibly the hottest, most controversial director in the biz right now.
Enfant terrible! Literally, the terrible child of British theatre.
What, he's literally a child? Of course he's not a child.
I'm translating from the French.
He is a genius, though.
His production of The Sound Of Music at the Royal Court was sensational.
It wasn't, Jane, it was pornographic! The man got arrested.
So? So did Oscar Wilde.
Didn't do him any harm, did it? Yes, it did! Anyway! Klondyke's really going to shake up the Globe.
He loves trying Shakespeare in radically different ways.
I'll call him now.
India, Daz Klondyke - patch me through.
You may not want to be here when I do this.
No, you just carry on.
Then I'll know you've definitely done it.
Daz! How are you? Settling into your little house on the Thames? Marvellous.
Now, I've got another actor I'd like you to see.
He's a bit older.
Older than that.
Quite a bit older.
Way older! Get on with it.
His name is Steven Toast.
Know the name, can't picture the face? Have you got a Spotlight directory in front of you? Oh, God! Oh, you're looking at it? Looks like a dog? Yes, that's him.
What?! Have I thought of entering that picture for Crufts? Oh, Daz, you are naughty! I'll send him round.
Ciao, ciao.
Bye-bye.
Oh, it's bloody hot, Toast.
It's the hottest weather since weather began.
Mm.
What are you reading, Ed? Oh, it's a movie script.
I've been offered a part.
It's a sequel to something I did years ago, which I remember as being rather fun.
Hm.
It's an erotic comedy.
Porn film.
No, Toast, an erotic comedy.
Yea-a-a-ah New table, Ed? - I'm pleased you noticed.
It's made from - .
.
blue spruce.
Blue spruce? The Scottish wood? Yes, it's all the rage at the moment.
These chairs are also made of .
.
blue spruce.
Looks great! It is, though incredibly flammable.
If there was a fire, the place would go up in seconds.
And with the fire service on strike at the moment, that could be catastrophic.
Well, let's hope that doesn't happen.
I see Daz Klondyke has taken over at the Globe.
Mm.
Oh, that's like Sid Vicious being put in charge of the Opera House.
Ha! I can't wait to see what he comes up with.
Well, I'll know soon enough.
I'm going to see him this afternoon.
I used to love treading the boards at the Globe.
I've done a few stints in there in my time.
When did you last perform at the Globe, Toast? I haven't performed at the Globe, not that it's any of your business.
What was that? I said I've I've never, you know, at the Globe.
Had sex at the Globe? Oh, I have.
No! Not had sex.
I've never acted there! Ed? Hm? Toast? Do you think I look like a dog? Do I think you look like a dog? Not really.
Why have you set an extra place at the table? Ah, that's for Kai.
Who? Kai.
He's my cousin's son from Australia.
Oh.
He's backpacking round Europe.
G'day! I'm Kai.
He actually says, "G'day".
Kai, welcome, welcome.
Great to see ya, Ed.
Kai, this is Steven Toast.
How ya doing, mate? Fuck off! What? Sorry, hi.
My name's Steven Toast.
You're the other guy that lives here.
Yes.
Ed tells me your job's doing voice-overs.
Did he now? I am an actor who occasionally engages in audio performances.
He does quite a lot of voice-overs.
That's so sell-out, man.
If you're a proper actor Must be a bit like prostitution? Right, I'm out of here.
Toast is off to the Globe.
The Globe Theatre? Yes.
They say an actor can't really call himself an actor Fuck off.
Again.
Ed, I've fallen over with the immense weight of this backpack.
Yes, well, let me deal with something here first.
Shakespeare's Globe.
You really do look like a dog! Seeing your photo gave me an idea.
Have you done much theatre, Toast? My life is theatre.
OK, but er, you've never performed at the Globe.
I mean, they say an actor cannot really call himself an actor until "Until you've performed at the Glo-eurgh.
" What? Nothing.
This desk, is it made of .
.
blue spruce? It is! Well spotted, I'm impressed.
Let's get down to brass tacks.
Here's the thing.
As you know, I've got a bit of a reputation as a pretty shit-hot left-wing director who's been brought in to bury his foot in Shakespeare's ass.
Yep, I'd heard that.
So I'm thinking of kicking off the season with Twelfth Night.
Great play.
Yeah.
And I'm going to do it with dogs.
What? Did you just say, you're going to do it with dogs? Mostly dogs.
You're going to use dogs as actors? Yeah, I need to be radical.
Things have got pretty stale around here.
I want this to be a metaphor for what's happening in Syria.
But dogs can't act.
They said that about women, and then I put on an all-female production of Julius Caesar at the Donmar and it was a complete triumph.
Yeah, but dogs really can't act.
I mean, I don't even think they can talk.
Did you hear what I said? It's mostly dogs, not all dogs.
That'd be fucking mental! But you, as a human being who looks like a dog, would be perfect to act alongside the other dogs! So I just need a couple of actors who look like dogs.
An older dog, you.
And a young pup.
Come in! Ed sent me.
You forgot your pipe.
You'll do.
What? This prick? He's not even an actor! Perfect.
Did you just bark there as you reached your vinegar stroke? Did I? Must have dogs on the brain.
It's Daz bloody Klondyke and his talking dog play.
How brave of him to do a play with dogs.
Typical Klondyke.
He loves working with non-actors.
And I'm not surprised you're in it, because you do look exactly like a dog.
Hmm.
New bed, Mrs P? Yes.
Everything's made of blue spruce! It's all the rage All the rage now, yes.
I know.
Anyway, I got what I came for.
Charming Off to rehearse.
Maybe I should pick up some dog food for lunch? Tummy any better, Ray? Oh Not too good, darling.
Bloody leftover lasagne! Oh, always makes my guts dance! I need to lie still.
I think something's burning.
What's this? I thought we were rehearsing? Ah, this is the photoshoot for the poster.
We can rehearse later.
More important to drum up business for the show with a sexy poster.
So who are these? The other actors? No, they're just models.
No-one gives a fuck who's in Shakespeare as long as everyone looks good and the posters are eye-catching.
Why don't you take a break? Come back at, say, 12.
30? But that's two hours! Hello! Hello? What? Leic-er-da Square? Leeseter Square? What the fuck are you talking about? Ah, erLeic-er-da Square? Leester Square, what, do you mean Leicester Square? Ah, yes! Yeah? Yes! Yes! Why didn't you fucking say that?! Please, er, help me? Help you? Wasted my fucking time when I'm walking down the street.
It's a disgrace! What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
What is this, some kind of Roman orgy? You need to have a word, please.
I'm really sorry.
I bet you are.
I'm really sorry, it's disturbing the other customers.
Out! Excuse me.
Have a care! Is that reception? The air conditioning's broken.
It's really hot outside.
Could you send someone up? Right away, please.
Bloody hell Oh, God that was quick.
I hope you've got the right tool for the job, boy? Oh, I think I've got everythingcovered.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Excuse me.
- Watch it! Shakespeare's Globe.
OK, Act III, Scene 1.
From, "I would play Lord Pandarus of Phrygia, sir, "to bring a Cressida to this Troilus.
" In your own time.
Must you do that? Hm? Haven't you got some lines to learn or something? No.
Dazzer says I should just get a sense of the scene and then sort of allow myself into it.
Might be something you should look at, cos, if you don't mind me saying, you come across as a bit of an arsehole.
You what? Ha OK, don't worry.
You will get it.
We're having a few teething problems with the dogs.
Sorry, fellas, you can take a break.
It's a challenge.
They're dogs, for fuck's sake.
Right.
Now, this is radical.
Your characters, they're kind of similar, don't you think? Plus, we never see them together No.
so I'm going to combine them.
You're going to what? How does it feel in there, guys? Fucking degrading.
Great.
Toast? I said, it's great.
All right, chaps? Dunno whose round it is, but make mine a large one.
God, it's tiring rehearsing at the Globe! Do you want a bone to go with that, Toast? A bone, what are you talking about? It's all right, fellas, my shout.
Straight glass, Toast, or would you prefer a bowl? A bowl? What the? Oh, my God.
No! More distortion! I told you, I wanna be able to smell the disdain! The audience won't even see my face! I'm playing the arse end of the dog! OK, but they will be able to sense it.
The people who come to see my show, they are not idiots.
Look, we are really getting somewhere, Toast.
The dogs are really getting into it now.
And this could be my greatest ever production and I honestly think could go some way to solving the problems in the Middle East.
And, hey, we've still got three weeks, two days and seven hours to opening night! This is going to be fantastic! Nah, it's no good.
Kai, fire the dogs! But the dogs are the coolest thing about it! Of course they weren't, you kangaroo cunt! Damn things never listen to me! It was a crazy idea! Why didn't you try and stop me?! Huh?! What? Too busy trying to get the Globe on your CV? We could all be ruined, so if anyone can think of anything, now would definitely be the time to step forward.
What? Well, we are in an ancient wooden structure.
That desk is made of blue spruce, which, as you know, is the most flammable substance known to man.
And the fire brigade are still on strike.
So, suppose I were to lay my lit pipe right there.
What do you think might happen? Gentlemen, I think we should leave! British theatrical world has been reeling after the world-famous Globe Theatre burnt down in a fire, which the police are treating as arson.
The Globe Theatre isor was one of the jewels in the crown of the British theatre community.
I can't believe that an actor would have done something so dreadful.
I would suspect they won't be an actor for much longer.
We all love the Globe.
Well, I mean, I've only just heard.
It's absolutely unspeakable.
I, I don't know what to think.
I think every actor in the country is appalled that a theatre like the Globe can go down all because of one man's vanity.
He's disrespected the craft of acting, he's disrespected Shakespeare It's appalling.
It's a tragedy.
What a wanker.
Utterly pathetic! Some colossal twat has burnt it down.
Argh! Jane! What the bloody hell were you thinking, Toast?! You clownish pyro! Now, hang on Shut up! Arsonist! Steven Gonville Toast, the man who never performed at the Globe Theatre, then, in a fit of jealousy, burnt the bloody thing down! No, it didn't happen like that But that's what they'll say.
The Globe's been there since 1599! What were you scared of? Getting a bad review? No! When other actors get bad reviews, their reaction is not normally to burn down the theatre.
You're lucky we were able to blame young Kai.
God rest his soul.
But you won't be able to weasel out of this one, Toast, because everyone in the business knows it was you! It wasn't like that! Poor Daz Klondyke.
Got his leg caught under a burning beam.
He may never walk again.
Who cares? You burnt down the Globe! Thus almost causing the second Great Fire of London.
I'll probably never work again.
Why are you holding a letter aloft, Jane? It's for you.
It was delivered personally this afternoon.
What is it? It's a fine.
A fine? For how much? But that's all the money I have! Who's it from? The PC Police.
What, they actually exist? Of course they bloody exist! They're everywhere! What's the fine for? Throwing disabled audience members out of a recording.
Oh Abusing a foreign tourist on the street.
Complaining about a woman breast-feeding in public.
And being seen going into a porn theatre.
Well, that's it.
I'm finished.
Ooh, and, umone more thing.
For 50 years I've stared at your face # I've listened to your shit with good grace # But I really cannot take any more # It's time to take your face off the wall! # No! Please don't take my face off the wall! # If you do then I'll have nothing at all # I beg you, Jane I plead, I implore So please don't take my face off the wall! Would you like this? Or shall I throw it straight in the bin? You can't fire me, Jane.
Apart from Ed, you're all I have! Well, then maybe Ed can get you a job? It's quite urgent.
So could you send someone straight away, please? Thank you.
Blimey, that was quick! The boss said was a two-man job, so I brought my assistant.
He's a virgin.
Cut! Toast, look excited! I wanna smell the excitement! Toast, more, more, more! More!