Todd & the Book of Pure Evil (2010) s01e05 Episode Script
Monster Fat
Help! Help! Please let this be a dream Please let this be a dream Hi, Todd.
Please let this not be a dream.
I'm so horny for you, Todd.
So horny it hurts I'm going to rock you like a hurricane.
I never want to wake up for as long as I live.
Come on, people, keep it coming! It's not Mount Everest! It was the greatest dream I ever had! Wet dreams are the best.
Dude, I didn't say it was a wet dream.
Couldn't have been that good then.
- Were you there? - I don't know, was I? Why would you be in my sex dream? Maybe I drop by to say hi, or to borrow something.
No, it was just me and Jenny.
You're in my dreams all the time.
Last week, we were Vikings.
Vikings with flying motorcycles.
Yeah.
That sounds pretty cool.
It was totally cool.
Best wet dream I've ever had.
Emily! Let's go.
Maybe Mrs.
Dempsey used the Book and it turned her into a sadist.
Nah.
She's always been a sadistic witch.
Okay, people! Hit the showers! I used to feel sorry for her But now she's just starting to annoy me.
I tried to talk to her but it's even worse up close.
Hi.
You wanted to see me? Has the boy led you to the book? It's not as easy as it sounds.
Um, it's impossible to get close to him.
Because that infernal gang is always hovering around him.
Then you must befriend them! Convince them that you're on their side.
Here's the thing, your evilness.
Kids today don't have much trust in authority figures.
No one will mistake you for an authority figure, Atticus.
Now be gone.
Thank you very much.
PLOP-PLOP What are you smiling at? Nothing, I'm just I'm just happy to see you.
You were in Todd's wet dream.
It wasn't a wet dream! Oh, hi, kids.
Thank you for coming.
We didn't have a choice.
Kids, a pair of conjoined twins once said, "Two heads are better than one.
" Well, in our case, five heads are better than four.
Like a hydra? What's a hydra? A five-headed dragon.
What does a dragon have to do with NOTHING.
But thank you for asking.
As a guidance counsellor, which is what I am, it's my job to offer guidance.
Guidance with what? Finding the Book Of Pure Evil.
You told me the book doesn't exist.
I was trying to protect you.
And I think I've done a pretty good job.
Yeah? Well, I think I speak for all of us when I say we're doing just fine on our own.
Really? And yet week after week the book reappears and wreaks havoc on your lives.
You need the perspective and experience of an adult.
Which is what I am.
Great, I'm a member of your gang now.
No.
Yes! Hydra! Don't think of me as an authority figure.
Think of me as a member of your gang! Thank you very very much.
I'm a gang member.
Dude, you're so wrong.
Trust me.
Jenny? Did we just join Mr.
Murphy's gang? No, and we need to watch him.
He's just trying to help.
(Mrs.
Dempsey) Has anyone seen Emily? Here I am.
Emily You look so Vastly improved.
Wow, Emily.
AHHHHHHHHHH! We need to talk to Emily.
Hey, guys You know that cheerleader, the thin, beautiful one? As opposed to all the fat, ugly cheerleaders? Wanda Winterbanks.
Word around school is she's not thin anymore.
She's a five-hundred pound blimp.
That's a bad career move for a cheerleader.
It wasn't her choice, you moron.
It has to be the book! Let's go! AHHHHHHH! It sucks we're the ones who run towards the screaming.
AHHHHHHH! Maybe it's not so bad.
GRRRRRRRRR! AHHHHHHHHH! BANG-BANG-BANG! Guys, was locking Jenny in there part of the plan? Cheese! Guys Ugh.
So bloated Why are you guys all staring at me like that? Jenny, in a minute you're probably going to totally freak out.
But, just remember it's not as bad as it looks.
Not as bad as it looks? What are you on drugs? Hello, gang of kids.
How's it shaking? WHOA! WOW! The book is back, Mr.
Murphy.
How exciting.
When Emily used the book her expel pounds mutated her cellular level and it completely contravenes our Whoa, whoa, whoa Could you be less talky and more showy? Um You guys, think of the money we could make! Selling super-fat mice! You're telling me this monster fat could turn the whole entire high school into this Pretty, pretty lady.
I gotta go! Why is it everytime Todd looks at me he looks so Terrified? It was grade 3 Todd and I found a videotape of my parents doing it.
And frankly, my parents are fatty boobalatties.
Anyway, I thought the pacing was kinda slow but Todd Todd was traumatized.
Every since then he's had this crazy fear of my parents.
And fat people like Fascinating back story, really And wonderfully told How do we kill this thing? All I know is if we don't destroy monster fat, my little buddy's worst nightmare may become reality.
Is it just me, or did it get fat in here? Beat it.
Where's the book? Book? What book? Don't play dumb with me, Emily! Your discarded fat has mutated into monster fat! A squirt gun? A squirt gun filled with your toxic fat.
She pulls the trigger and you get blown back into your miserable life.
I didn't mean to imply that by being fat it automatically meant you were miserable.
Yeah, way to stand your ground, Hannah.
It was here yesterday, I swear.
Emily.
This could be a huge problem.
I mean, a huge problem.
Not a hug e problem.
Like, it could be a massive Problem.
Ma Are you done? A massive problem, not a massive person.
You're not a problem, or a person! I mean, you're a person All right.
Bring it on, Jenny.
CRASH! Who ordered room service? AHHHHHHH! No, no, no, no! I want THIN, SEXY Jenny! Thin, sexy Jenny is dead.
Long live the heifer.
I want you inside me.
I'm inside something! Oh, Curtis! Curtis, you gotta help me! No time, dude! I just dropped by to borrow something! Curtis! Curtis, Vikings are supposed to stick together! I'll send you a postcard from Valhalla! WOOOOOOO! We're gonna have some fun, aren't we? I don't know if that's possible seeing as how my handle just retreated up my hatch.
Oh, I'm not here for sex.
I'm here for dessert.
AHHHHHHHH! Get your muumuu's! One size fits all! Hey, Todd! Forget the super-fat mice! These are selling like hotcakes! HI.
Jenny.
Hey, Todd.
Hey, what's new? I know about your fear of fat people.
I don't have a fear of fat people.
A lot of my best friends are fat people.
Like you.
Just admit it, Todd.
I disgust you, don't I? I'm the one that disgusts you, remember? Okay, well, then if that's not the case Then prove it.
Kiss me.
What? But It's what you've always wanted, isn't it? Yeah, but Okay, then do it.
I knew it! You look like you wanted to eat my face! I wouldn't eat your face! If it was the last face on earth! We need to ask ourselves what kills fat? This should do it.
Close.
Hey, Todd, can you pass me the puke mop? Dude, why are you hiding in here when you could be riding the wide-load highway out there? What? Dude, it's fat-tastic out there.
Man, it's so sweet.
Have you seen? Yeah, I know, that's why I'm in here.
I fear the fat.
Look, dude I've had it all, all right? Skinny chicks, tall chicks, mini chicks, chicks with sticks.
All right, half machine half chick.
BUT, when I want to grease my piece I go obese.
But, they're fat.
Look, Todd, you're not getting the big picture.
Skinny chicks are only about skinny chicks.
But, fat chicks? Fat chicks are about you.
Jimmy! Jenny's fat too.
Look, the Jenny you want is still in there.
She's probably screaming in terror, but She's still in there, dude.
I'm ready for that kiss! You want a kiss, so here I am! I'm going to kiss every inch of you.
Even if it takes all week! Todd! You're creeping me out.
You're not creeping me out! Not anymore! I don't care if you're a fat chick, a skinny chick A chick with a stick What I'm trying to say is that you're Jenny.
And that's all that matters to me.
PLOP-PLOP-PLOP AHHHHHHHHHH! Sweet mother of Satan.
Nice.
You're right, Jenny.
I did unleash a monster.
That's why it's called The Book Of Pure Evil! You stupid, skinny twig.
I have to make things right.
Poor girl.
She sacrificed herself to save the school.
I'll never forget you, Emily.
Todd! Forget Emily! Oh, great! Now monster fat is boiling hot monster fat! Than ks, Emily! CRASH! Curtis, I think we're screwed! If I get screwed, dude, I want it to be with you.
I got it! Todd catch! Throw the pill into monster fat's mouth! It doesn't have a mouth! But, it has an hatch! I'll distract it! Hey, monster fat! Hey, he knows his name! AHHHHHHHH! STOMP Hannah, I don't know what you did, but thank you.
Okay Todd, that was pretty heroic.
And, um, what you said earlier It really meant a lot to me.
Dude.
Dude, what did you say? Dude, I have no idea.
I was so terrified, I could have said anything.
At least you finally conquered your fear of fat people.
No, I didn't.
I'm even more traumatized.
At least your arm doesn't smell like hatch.
That's how it went down.
You're funny.
I gotta pee.
Pee away, I'll be right here.
Please let this not be a dream.
I'm so horny for you, Todd.
So horny it hurts I'm going to rock you like a hurricane.
I never want to wake up for as long as I live.
Come on, people, keep it coming! It's not Mount Everest! It was the greatest dream I ever had! Wet dreams are the best.
Dude, I didn't say it was a wet dream.
Couldn't have been that good then.
- Were you there? - I don't know, was I? Why would you be in my sex dream? Maybe I drop by to say hi, or to borrow something.
No, it was just me and Jenny.
You're in my dreams all the time.
Last week, we were Vikings.
Vikings with flying motorcycles.
Yeah.
That sounds pretty cool.
It was totally cool.
Best wet dream I've ever had.
Emily! Let's go.
Maybe Mrs.
Dempsey used the Book and it turned her into a sadist.
Nah.
She's always been a sadistic witch.
Okay, people! Hit the showers! I used to feel sorry for her But now she's just starting to annoy me.
I tried to talk to her but it's even worse up close.
Hi.
You wanted to see me? Has the boy led you to the book? It's not as easy as it sounds.
Um, it's impossible to get close to him.
Because that infernal gang is always hovering around him.
Then you must befriend them! Convince them that you're on their side.
Here's the thing, your evilness.
Kids today don't have much trust in authority figures.
No one will mistake you for an authority figure, Atticus.
Now be gone.
Thank you very much.
PLOP-PLOP What are you smiling at? Nothing, I'm just I'm just happy to see you.
You were in Todd's wet dream.
It wasn't a wet dream! Oh, hi, kids.
Thank you for coming.
We didn't have a choice.
Kids, a pair of conjoined twins once said, "Two heads are better than one.
" Well, in our case, five heads are better than four.
Like a hydra? What's a hydra? A five-headed dragon.
What does a dragon have to do with NOTHING.
But thank you for asking.
As a guidance counsellor, which is what I am, it's my job to offer guidance.
Guidance with what? Finding the Book Of Pure Evil.
You told me the book doesn't exist.
I was trying to protect you.
And I think I've done a pretty good job.
Yeah? Well, I think I speak for all of us when I say we're doing just fine on our own.
Really? And yet week after week the book reappears and wreaks havoc on your lives.
You need the perspective and experience of an adult.
Which is what I am.
Great, I'm a member of your gang now.
No.
Yes! Hydra! Don't think of me as an authority figure.
Think of me as a member of your gang! Thank you very very much.
I'm a gang member.
Dude, you're so wrong.
Trust me.
Jenny? Did we just join Mr.
Murphy's gang? No, and we need to watch him.
He's just trying to help.
(Mrs.
Dempsey) Has anyone seen Emily? Here I am.
Emily You look so Vastly improved.
Wow, Emily.
AHHHHHHHHHH! We need to talk to Emily.
Hey, guys You know that cheerleader, the thin, beautiful one? As opposed to all the fat, ugly cheerleaders? Wanda Winterbanks.
Word around school is she's not thin anymore.
She's a five-hundred pound blimp.
That's a bad career move for a cheerleader.
It wasn't her choice, you moron.
It has to be the book! Let's go! AHHHHHHH! It sucks we're the ones who run towards the screaming.
AHHHHHHH! Maybe it's not so bad.
GRRRRRRRRR! AHHHHHHHHH! BANG-BANG-BANG! Guys, was locking Jenny in there part of the plan? Cheese! Guys Ugh.
So bloated Why are you guys all staring at me like that? Jenny, in a minute you're probably going to totally freak out.
But, just remember it's not as bad as it looks.
Not as bad as it looks? What are you on drugs? Hello, gang of kids.
How's it shaking? WHOA! WOW! The book is back, Mr.
Murphy.
How exciting.
When Emily used the book her expel pounds mutated her cellular level and it completely contravenes our Whoa, whoa, whoa Could you be less talky and more showy? Um You guys, think of the money we could make! Selling super-fat mice! You're telling me this monster fat could turn the whole entire high school into this Pretty, pretty lady.
I gotta go! Why is it everytime Todd looks at me he looks so Terrified? It was grade 3 Todd and I found a videotape of my parents doing it.
And frankly, my parents are fatty boobalatties.
Anyway, I thought the pacing was kinda slow but Todd Todd was traumatized.
Every since then he's had this crazy fear of my parents.
And fat people like Fascinating back story, really And wonderfully told How do we kill this thing? All I know is if we don't destroy monster fat, my little buddy's worst nightmare may become reality.
Is it just me, or did it get fat in here? Beat it.
Where's the book? Book? What book? Don't play dumb with me, Emily! Your discarded fat has mutated into monster fat! A squirt gun? A squirt gun filled with your toxic fat.
She pulls the trigger and you get blown back into your miserable life.
I didn't mean to imply that by being fat it automatically meant you were miserable.
Yeah, way to stand your ground, Hannah.
It was here yesterday, I swear.
Emily.
This could be a huge problem.
I mean, a huge problem.
Not a hug e problem.
Like, it could be a massive Problem.
Ma Are you done? A massive problem, not a massive person.
You're not a problem, or a person! I mean, you're a person All right.
Bring it on, Jenny.
CRASH! Who ordered room service? AHHHHHHH! No, no, no, no! I want THIN, SEXY Jenny! Thin, sexy Jenny is dead.
Long live the heifer.
I want you inside me.
I'm inside something! Oh, Curtis! Curtis, you gotta help me! No time, dude! I just dropped by to borrow something! Curtis! Curtis, Vikings are supposed to stick together! I'll send you a postcard from Valhalla! WOOOOOOO! We're gonna have some fun, aren't we? I don't know if that's possible seeing as how my handle just retreated up my hatch.
Oh, I'm not here for sex.
I'm here for dessert.
AHHHHHHHH! Get your muumuu's! One size fits all! Hey, Todd! Forget the super-fat mice! These are selling like hotcakes! HI.
Jenny.
Hey, Todd.
Hey, what's new? I know about your fear of fat people.
I don't have a fear of fat people.
A lot of my best friends are fat people.
Like you.
Just admit it, Todd.
I disgust you, don't I? I'm the one that disgusts you, remember? Okay, well, then if that's not the case Then prove it.
Kiss me.
What? But It's what you've always wanted, isn't it? Yeah, but Okay, then do it.
I knew it! You look like you wanted to eat my face! I wouldn't eat your face! If it was the last face on earth! We need to ask ourselves what kills fat? This should do it.
Close.
Hey, Todd, can you pass me the puke mop? Dude, why are you hiding in here when you could be riding the wide-load highway out there? What? Dude, it's fat-tastic out there.
Man, it's so sweet.
Have you seen? Yeah, I know, that's why I'm in here.
I fear the fat.
Look, dude I've had it all, all right? Skinny chicks, tall chicks, mini chicks, chicks with sticks.
All right, half machine half chick.
BUT, when I want to grease my piece I go obese.
But, they're fat.
Look, Todd, you're not getting the big picture.
Skinny chicks are only about skinny chicks.
But, fat chicks? Fat chicks are about you.
Jimmy! Jenny's fat too.
Look, the Jenny you want is still in there.
She's probably screaming in terror, but She's still in there, dude.
I'm ready for that kiss! You want a kiss, so here I am! I'm going to kiss every inch of you.
Even if it takes all week! Todd! You're creeping me out.
You're not creeping me out! Not anymore! I don't care if you're a fat chick, a skinny chick A chick with a stick What I'm trying to say is that you're Jenny.
And that's all that matters to me.
PLOP-PLOP-PLOP AHHHHHHHHHH! Sweet mother of Satan.
Nice.
You're right, Jenny.
I did unleash a monster.
That's why it's called The Book Of Pure Evil! You stupid, skinny twig.
I have to make things right.
Poor girl.
She sacrificed herself to save the school.
I'll never forget you, Emily.
Todd! Forget Emily! Oh, great! Now monster fat is boiling hot monster fat! Than ks, Emily! CRASH! Curtis, I think we're screwed! If I get screwed, dude, I want it to be with you.
I got it! Todd catch! Throw the pill into monster fat's mouth! It doesn't have a mouth! But, it has an hatch! I'll distract it! Hey, monster fat! Hey, he knows his name! AHHHHHHHH! STOMP Hannah, I don't know what you did, but thank you.
Okay Todd, that was pretty heroic.
And, um, what you said earlier It really meant a lot to me.
Dude.
Dude, what did you say? Dude, I have no idea.
I was so terrified, I could have said anything.
At least you finally conquered your fear of fat people.
No, I didn't.
I'm even more traumatized.
At least your arm doesn't smell like hatch.
That's how it went down.
You're funny.
I gotta pee.
Pee away, I'll be right here.