Todd & the Book of Pure Evil (2010) s02e10 Episode Script
2 Girls, 1 Tongue
Okay, we need some new ideas, Gang.
And fast.
I've got an awesome idea.
You.
Me.
Brainstorming ideas.
This weekend.
Okay yeah Except instead of you and me, let's make it the four of us.
And instead of this weekend, let's make it right now.
That's a weird date.
It's not a date.
That's the point.
Man what do I have to make Jenny horny for me? Take drastic measures.
.
Like brainwash her? I was thinking an ultimatum.
Come on, guys, think.
If we're gonna have these gang meetings, it's be nice if the whole gang spoke up, Charlotte? Just happy to be here.
(screaming) Now to find out What the hell's going on! Oh my God Charlotte is me And I'm the Phantom of Crowley No time to be meek and mild Hannah Can't let that bitch peel my man's banana I may not have her in real life But in my fantasies she's my heavy metal wife I'm gonna pretend These hands are feminine And they belong to J-J-J-Jenny! No time to theorize or postulate I need your help before you masturbate Curtis is about to fornicate With a girl who's evil incarnate Stay away don't touch my schlong! I need your help now come along And by the way I have to say I have no interest in your schlong Phantom be gone! Welcome to the horror of my mind There's so much darkness I wish I was blind When I close my tired peepers I get them old jeepers creepers And I go back in time Time Tiiiiiiiime I'm back in the forest again Lost and scared without a friend In the place where I was abused And became sexually confused Wolf rape, wolf rape, wolf rape Far from being an ideal date Wolf rape, wolf rape, wolf rape Not at all a perfect mate See the creature in the moonlight My sexy lean body wets its appetite I can feel its breath breathing on my back I'm so scared I just shit my pants! I hate you Dad! Dudes, I'm still so totally bummed.
Little dude still isn't the Pure Evil One.
Maybe we should pack it in? You think the loser's still a virgin? If he is you know what that means.
(Snapping fingers) Metal dude, metal dude, metal dude wop Metal dude, metal dude, metal dude wop I think we found the key It's his virginity If he loses it, then holy shit Dude wop And we will have a lot of fun For Todd will be, will be, will be, The Pure Evil One Dude wop, d-dude wop A plan, what an awesome fuckin' plan! Dude wop, dude No more beating his meat No more whacking his snake Gotta get him some muff Get him totally laid Dude wop, d-dude wop Loser.
Look I didn't imagine it.
Hannah The Phantom attacked me last night in bed, while I wasreading.
If the Phantom is back, she may have the Book, so let's split up and find her.
Kill her with no mercy! Whoa, that's a bit extreme.
You still don't have feelings for that psycho, do you? No, of course not.
We're so done.
Good boy.
I'm so torn I'm almost numb Caught between two girls and a tongue This is some freaky shit but I must admit I never stopped loving you Please don't be afraid of me I'm the girl you love Hannah B Don't let Charlotte off the hook She used that evil Book And stole my identity Identity Is this the truth or is this a lie? Oh, Curtis, just look into my eyes.
Love is heaven, love is hell Will these feelings last? Only time will tell Gotta give you this ultimatum I'm so bored with masturbation I want to hold you tenderly Pleasure you orally What will your answer be? You're gonna have to accept it Todd You're my friend and that is all We're not two birds of a feather We'll never flock together Why can't you let me go? Love is heaven, love is hell Will these feelings last? Only time will tell I used the Book to get what I want There's one major glitch That's driving me nuts Everyone is singing with so much passion I fucking hate musicals So proletarian! Got to take it up a notch Before my plan is botched I'll frame Hannah for it She'll be in such deep shit Here comes that old evil feeling Once again! Sad and unloved is what I am Jenny banished me to loser land Gonna die a lonely dude Whoa I think my dick just moved Who the hell is that? Love is heaven, love is hell Will these feelings last? Only time will tell It takes the good and bad right out of me To make you see That you're (not) my destiny I, Hannah The Phantom, did this.
P.
S.
: I also have the Book.
Looks like all signs point to her.
The blow dart, the severed tongue, the note.
Dude, your ex-girlfriend is sick.
Maybe someone's framing her.
Kill her with no mercy! Whoa, that's a bit extreme.
Okay guys, let's move out.
Todd, you can come with me, as long as you don't talk about us.
Thanks, but I'm okay on my own.
Since when? Look on the bright side sweetie.
Now you know what kind of girl she is.
A total insane psycho.
Hey.
Todd is my name.
Hi, I'm Nikki.
Nikki Kane.
Don't think I've seen you around before.
Oh, I've seen you, many times for sure.
Do you feel like hanging out? Got a better idea let's make out! Never thought I'd feel this way About a girl that wasn't Jenny Big old boner's pointing up to my navel My navel Guess it means I'm horny I'm horny like the devil I can't fight it Don't wanna hide it Being horny makes me horny Here's a story About a kid who's horny for you! Why do I care if he's forgotten me? Are these pangs of jealousy? Something doesn't seem on the level Am I feeling horny like the devil? Wish I could fight it Wish I could hide it Being horny makes me horny Here's a story About a girl who's horny for Todd? Is that who I think it is? Nah it couldn't be.
Young love I remember so well She was hot She made my nut sack swell I'm a tits and ass kinda fellow 24-7 I'm horny like the devil Yeah I can't fight it Don't wanna hide it Being horny makes me horny Here's a story What about a dude who's horny all the time! We can't fight it Don't wanna hide it Being horny makes us horny Here's a story About being horny that's us! Here I sit at this piano Introspective and kind of mellow Sadness in my veins and in my balls and ball veins Tell me father can you take away my pain You're an idiot and a bottom feeder You call yourself the Hooded Leader But you are not and you never will be So cry your tears you little pansy It's a lie.
it's a lie I won't cry No more tears from me No more tears to you No more tears in my eyes Tired of feeling blue No more tears no more tears No more whore sucking, cock-porking, shit-fucking teeeeeaaaaaaaarsssss! (slamming on piano) Maybe one more.
One more tear, I'm crying one more tear From me to you When are we gonna kill this crazy asshole? The time is right.
A flame from the darkness has set fire to my soul I have Charlotte, meet me in the theater, Hannah.
A journey into madness Down a twisted road Curtis save me! Who's the real Phantom, who is not? I got your note! Who's Hannah B and who's Charlotte? Why don't you just tell us? Phantom me Phantom you Who is lying who got screwed? Let's put an end to this sordid mess Let's have ourselves a Curtis test Curtis question number one: His favorite heavy metal song? Witches and Bitches is the answer Name of the band's Satan Has Cancer.
What is Curtis' middle name? Richard, Roger, John or James? James! John! Oh, too bad, what a shame Curtis doesn't have a middle name.
My parents couldn't be bothered but I am fond of the name Roger.
Final question number three: Curtis is failing science, math or history? Math! Science! Answer is he's failing all three.
Guess it's community college for me How are we ever gonna find out who's the Phantom and who's not? Ahhhhhhhh! I admit it! I'm the real Phantom I can't take any more singing I fucking hate musicals! Damn it I'm out of darts! (Beeping) Whoa, I have a cutlery compartment?! I know how much you love to eat.
Wow, you really do know me.
Let's end this now bitch! Bitch! You better back off now Bitch! I'll gut you like a cow You think you can steal my man? Got news for you, bitch, you can't! Now die! Die! Die! Die! Diiiiiiieeeee! (screaming) My tongue's back! Yay.
Charlotte? Are you okay? Somebody say something.
Phantom gone dead by light Bye bye Phantom Phantom good night! It's good to have you back, Hannah.
I'm just glad everything's returned to normal.
Yeah, and the best part is, now Charlotte is gone, we don't have to sing anymore.
Oh, just one more? I'm so sorry I fell for her tricks She gave me a hand-job I swear that's it I didn't know you as well as I thought For that I'm so sorry Wait did you say hand-job? I'm so sorry Gonna leave you alone Got a new girl that wants to chew on my bone I'm so sorry I missed my chance Guess it's too late you're in love with a skank So so sorry so sincerely sorry Let's make a brand new start I'm so sorry for being crazy and mad I promise you I'll be a better leader and man We're so sorry but it's come to this We must kill him After we drink Fuck yoooooou! I'm not soooooorry! Fuck yoooooou! Fuck you! Fuck, Fuck, Fuck Fuuuuuuuuuuck Yoooooooooou!
And fast.
I've got an awesome idea.
You.
Me.
Brainstorming ideas.
This weekend.
Okay yeah Except instead of you and me, let's make it the four of us.
And instead of this weekend, let's make it right now.
That's a weird date.
It's not a date.
That's the point.
Man what do I have to make Jenny horny for me? Take drastic measures.
.
Like brainwash her? I was thinking an ultimatum.
Come on, guys, think.
If we're gonna have these gang meetings, it's be nice if the whole gang spoke up, Charlotte? Just happy to be here.
(screaming) Now to find out What the hell's going on! Oh my God Charlotte is me And I'm the Phantom of Crowley No time to be meek and mild Hannah Can't let that bitch peel my man's banana I may not have her in real life But in my fantasies she's my heavy metal wife I'm gonna pretend These hands are feminine And they belong to J-J-J-Jenny! No time to theorize or postulate I need your help before you masturbate Curtis is about to fornicate With a girl who's evil incarnate Stay away don't touch my schlong! I need your help now come along And by the way I have to say I have no interest in your schlong Phantom be gone! Welcome to the horror of my mind There's so much darkness I wish I was blind When I close my tired peepers I get them old jeepers creepers And I go back in time Time Tiiiiiiiime I'm back in the forest again Lost and scared without a friend In the place where I was abused And became sexually confused Wolf rape, wolf rape, wolf rape Far from being an ideal date Wolf rape, wolf rape, wolf rape Not at all a perfect mate See the creature in the moonlight My sexy lean body wets its appetite I can feel its breath breathing on my back I'm so scared I just shit my pants! I hate you Dad! Dudes, I'm still so totally bummed.
Little dude still isn't the Pure Evil One.
Maybe we should pack it in? You think the loser's still a virgin? If he is you know what that means.
(Snapping fingers) Metal dude, metal dude, metal dude wop Metal dude, metal dude, metal dude wop I think we found the key It's his virginity If he loses it, then holy shit Dude wop And we will have a lot of fun For Todd will be, will be, will be, The Pure Evil One Dude wop, d-dude wop A plan, what an awesome fuckin' plan! Dude wop, dude No more beating his meat No more whacking his snake Gotta get him some muff Get him totally laid Dude wop, d-dude wop Loser.
Look I didn't imagine it.
Hannah The Phantom attacked me last night in bed, while I wasreading.
If the Phantom is back, she may have the Book, so let's split up and find her.
Kill her with no mercy! Whoa, that's a bit extreme.
You still don't have feelings for that psycho, do you? No, of course not.
We're so done.
Good boy.
I'm so torn I'm almost numb Caught between two girls and a tongue This is some freaky shit but I must admit I never stopped loving you Please don't be afraid of me I'm the girl you love Hannah B Don't let Charlotte off the hook She used that evil Book And stole my identity Identity Is this the truth or is this a lie? Oh, Curtis, just look into my eyes.
Love is heaven, love is hell Will these feelings last? Only time will tell Gotta give you this ultimatum I'm so bored with masturbation I want to hold you tenderly Pleasure you orally What will your answer be? You're gonna have to accept it Todd You're my friend and that is all We're not two birds of a feather We'll never flock together Why can't you let me go? Love is heaven, love is hell Will these feelings last? Only time will tell I used the Book to get what I want There's one major glitch That's driving me nuts Everyone is singing with so much passion I fucking hate musicals So proletarian! Got to take it up a notch Before my plan is botched I'll frame Hannah for it She'll be in such deep shit Here comes that old evil feeling Once again! Sad and unloved is what I am Jenny banished me to loser land Gonna die a lonely dude Whoa I think my dick just moved Who the hell is that? Love is heaven, love is hell Will these feelings last? Only time will tell It takes the good and bad right out of me To make you see That you're (not) my destiny I, Hannah The Phantom, did this.
P.
S.
: I also have the Book.
Looks like all signs point to her.
The blow dart, the severed tongue, the note.
Dude, your ex-girlfriend is sick.
Maybe someone's framing her.
Kill her with no mercy! Whoa, that's a bit extreme.
Okay guys, let's move out.
Todd, you can come with me, as long as you don't talk about us.
Thanks, but I'm okay on my own.
Since when? Look on the bright side sweetie.
Now you know what kind of girl she is.
A total insane psycho.
Hey.
Todd is my name.
Hi, I'm Nikki.
Nikki Kane.
Don't think I've seen you around before.
Oh, I've seen you, many times for sure.
Do you feel like hanging out? Got a better idea let's make out! Never thought I'd feel this way About a girl that wasn't Jenny Big old boner's pointing up to my navel My navel Guess it means I'm horny I'm horny like the devil I can't fight it Don't wanna hide it Being horny makes me horny Here's a story About a kid who's horny for you! Why do I care if he's forgotten me? Are these pangs of jealousy? Something doesn't seem on the level Am I feeling horny like the devil? Wish I could fight it Wish I could hide it Being horny makes me horny Here's a story About a girl who's horny for Todd? Is that who I think it is? Nah it couldn't be.
Young love I remember so well She was hot She made my nut sack swell I'm a tits and ass kinda fellow 24-7 I'm horny like the devil Yeah I can't fight it Don't wanna hide it Being horny makes me horny Here's a story What about a dude who's horny all the time! We can't fight it Don't wanna hide it Being horny makes us horny Here's a story About being horny that's us! Here I sit at this piano Introspective and kind of mellow Sadness in my veins and in my balls and ball veins Tell me father can you take away my pain You're an idiot and a bottom feeder You call yourself the Hooded Leader But you are not and you never will be So cry your tears you little pansy It's a lie.
it's a lie I won't cry No more tears from me No more tears to you No more tears in my eyes Tired of feeling blue No more tears no more tears No more whore sucking, cock-porking, shit-fucking teeeeeaaaaaaaarsssss! (slamming on piano) Maybe one more.
One more tear, I'm crying one more tear From me to you When are we gonna kill this crazy asshole? The time is right.
A flame from the darkness has set fire to my soul I have Charlotte, meet me in the theater, Hannah.
A journey into madness Down a twisted road Curtis save me! Who's the real Phantom, who is not? I got your note! Who's Hannah B and who's Charlotte? Why don't you just tell us? Phantom me Phantom you Who is lying who got screwed? Let's put an end to this sordid mess Let's have ourselves a Curtis test Curtis question number one: His favorite heavy metal song? Witches and Bitches is the answer Name of the band's Satan Has Cancer.
What is Curtis' middle name? Richard, Roger, John or James? James! John! Oh, too bad, what a shame Curtis doesn't have a middle name.
My parents couldn't be bothered but I am fond of the name Roger.
Final question number three: Curtis is failing science, math or history? Math! Science! Answer is he's failing all three.
Guess it's community college for me How are we ever gonna find out who's the Phantom and who's not? Ahhhhhhhh! I admit it! I'm the real Phantom I can't take any more singing I fucking hate musicals! Damn it I'm out of darts! (Beeping) Whoa, I have a cutlery compartment?! I know how much you love to eat.
Wow, you really do know me.
Let's end this now bitch! Bitch! You better back off now Bitch! I'll gut you like a cow You think you can steal my man? Got news for you, bitch, you can't! Now die! Die! Die! Die! Diiiiiiieeeee! (screaming) My tongue's back! Yay.
Charlotte? Are you okay? Somebody say something.
Phantom gone dead by light Bye bye Phantom Phantom good night! It's good to have you back, Hannah.
I'm just glad everything's returned to normal.
Yeah, and the best part is, now Charlotte is gone, we don't have to sing anymore.
Oh, just one more? I'm so sorry I fell for her tricks She gave me a hand-job I swear that's it I didn't know you as well as I thought For that I'm so sorry Wait did you say hand-job? I'm so sorry Gonna leave you alone Got a new girl that wants to chew on my bone I'm so sorry I missed my chance Guess it's too late you're in love with a skank So so sorry so sincerely sorry Let's make a brand new start I'm so sorry for being crazy and mad I promise you I'll be a better leader and man We're so sorry but it's come to this We must kill him After we drink Fuck yoooooou! I'm not soooooorry! Fuck yoooooou! Fuck you! Fuck, Fuck, Fuck Fuuuuuuuuuuck Yoooooooooou!