Together (2015) s01e01 Episode Script
Signs
1 INAUDIBLE CONVERSATIONS What's the matter with you, Ashley? You're miserable.
I'm not that bad.
At least I'm not a psychopath! - You're a hoarder, Ashley.
- No, I am not.
- You belong in a shock-doc.
- No, I do not.
What's going on? - She's doing a toss-out.
- For the second-hand shop.
No, no, I am not having some hippy get his hands all over my Duff mug.
No! And What? Not the Amstrad! Or the brochures Not the double poncho! - Double? What's a double? - Alton Towers.
Room for two humans? Found it in the nook, the nook in the boiler room, - where she puts things, before they get bumped off.
- Not officially.
The zone between the living and the dead.
- Oh, like where you put Nana.
- No, we are not discussing that, Tom.
Sheltered accommodation, Tom -- she's got a Hitachi TV, she's living the effing dream! We bought this on our first date, Les -- Alton Towers.
Leicester years.
We were the scourge of Leicester, Tom.
- Were you? - We didn't do it any favours, that's for sure.
Les, tell him about the time I wee'd in the swimming pool.
Oh, he wee'd in the swimming pool, Tom.
- Oh, yeah? - Hammered.
In the middle of the day, as well.
Wonderful.
Well, I'm going to see Maeve, debrief on last night's date.
Oh, tell her mum says hi, then.
It was from the diving board, Tom.
- Fabulous.
- People clapped.
- Your father clapped.
- And off I pop.
No! Oh, no-no-no But Sorry, he asked you to get back with him? He was quite upset.
Couldn't finish his peshwari naan.
But hold on -- Luke asked you, and you, rather than him, said "no"? I know it's difficult to compute.
He's awful with the waiters, Hermione.
Sorry He works for the UN, Ellen.
He's met Ban Ki-moon -- he's offered him a Smint.
He mentioned, a few times.
If you like him so much, why don't you go out with him? The day I get sloppy seconds from you is the day I lie in a bath and, as they say, commit suicide.
Baby, don't over-estimate yourself.
Luke's willing to overlook a hell of a lot.
You're new to London, you temp, you're Northern, and I'm only telling you painful truths because I care.
What's painful about it? That's my life.
I know.
Breaks my heart.
Oi-oi, here comes trouble.
[BUILDER WOLF-WHISTLES.]
- Put it away, Norm! - Oh, God! Just smile and absorb it, don't be frigid.
- Hey, guys! What up? - You all right, girls? How you feeling? Lonely? Want a little cuddle? She is a bit lonely, actually.
Good shout, buddy.
Hey, you, cheer yourself up, it might never happen.
I mean, it is happening -- THIS is happening.
Don't be so moody, Ellen.
Time of the month, is it? Eh, boys? - This has been nice.
I'm going to my car.
- Oi, love Why don't you show us where you piss from? [HERMIONE LAUGHS.]
Oh, naughty! Bit of a firecracker! I don't mind it, and I think it's great, but for some, that's a bit much.
Well, don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Want to have a little play with Kevin and the twins? Who's Kev? NERVOUS GIGGLE Ellen, you'll never guess what just happened.
We were having a nice chat and I was about to ask him about his working conditions, because I'm actually really interested CRASH AND HERMIONE SCREAMS Ellen! CAR ENGINE REVS Bless her.
Come on, Squidge.
Those houses won't build themselves.
Oh, my Lord! Come on, then.
Lay it on me.
Where's Lincoln? What? Say again? - Where's Lincoln? - East Midlands.
- Good Cool.
So, saw Liz Tang last night, don't hold back.
I've been Tangoed.
What's the feedback? How like, tall do you think the Shard is? What are you doing, Maeve? Oh, I'm just updating the Wikipedia entry for England.
Right, I mean, you're a barrister -- should you not be doing, you know, your bits and bobs? - They've left out a ton of stuff.
- Hmm? - Lincoln, the Shard, Watchdog - Uh-huh.
Giving myself a little mention.
- Does it need to mention you, do you think? - Well, it mentions Tring.
- Fair play, then.
- Um, so Um, yeah.
Liz Tang I was just on the phone to her, actually Before you start blabbing on, I just want to say thank you, really, because last night, more than any other dates I've been on, I was just myself.
And just thanks for that advice, basically.
- What, did I say that? - Yes, you did.
- "Just be yourself"? - Indeed.
Um, how do you think it went? Quietly confident.
It's a "no" from her.
Good.
Well, that's a relief.
Um, good.
To be honest, I don't really have time for a woman in my life at the moment anyway, because I'm building up to Ironman Australia.
So Well, I'm off.
Oh, just a quick Width of a Beefeater's hat? Not now, Maeve.
Ellen, pull over.
I'm hyperventilating! There you are, so don't say I'm not impulsive.
- I never ever say that, anyway.
- Well, don't say it from now on.
Oh, Jesus! I won't tell Luke, don't worry.
I don't care about Luke! What about the Met? How anal are they, in regards to crime these days? Tell me if it's a bad time to bring it up, but is it OK that I invited Luke to Sian's house-warming later? - No.
- If this madness ends and you do -- fingers crossed -- - get back with Luke - Um .
.
he would actually do his best to secure me an internship at the UN.
- I mean, I'm manifestly speechless! - It would be paid, is the thing.
I've just rammed a van, and you're talking about trading me like a prostitute for your career.
Don't think of it as a trade -- think of it as a lease, or a loan, if that helps.
It doesn't help.
I'm getting some ciggies.
Ellen, the only thing I've ever truly wanted for my career is .
.
training to be an estate agent, but carry on.
Oh, like the UN doesn't need estate agents?! Those refugees will need somewhere to live, Ellen, and I can secure them houses at very competitive prices.
Good on you! Agh! Oh! Ow Lovely Seven seconds on low, just take the edge off the chill, maintain the bouquet and oopsie-doopsie-daisy-doe, a perfect rhubarb yog for you.
Ta.
Still tossing your Amstrad, but Next, on the perfect afternoon with Ashley and Lesley, MasterChef quarter finale on BBC's iPlayer.
VOICES ON TV Well, eat it quickly, Les.
Room temperature plays havoc with Asda dairy.
Left out an eight-pack of Petits Filous -- absolute massacre.
Mmm.
DOOR SHUTS Lovely.
Now, don't go panicking, it looks worse than it is.
Oh, no -- not this! Tom I just had a little accident, banged my head, but honestly - Oh, my God -- he's hit his head, Ashley! - I'll pause MasterChef.
- A head injury, Christ! What's your name? - I'm Tom.
Lesley, don't stop eating it! It'll be tepid in five seconds.
I was just on my bike and a car door opened.
- Joyce's boy had a head injury and he ended up a plumber! - Right The perfect temperature is the thing, Lesley! Who did this to you? Her name's Ellen Baxter.
She's pretty fit, actually.
- Mmm - Ashley! Yes, well there's no point wasting a perfectly good rhubarb yog.
Our son! Liz, I can be concerned and simultaneously eat a rhuby yog.
There's no right way to grieve.
- I just think I need to sit down.
- Ashley, shift.
Dad, get up.
Yes, let's reconvene after MasterChef.
Kate's made an emulsion.
I thought he was quite unusual.
Yeah, I was there.
Did you see? I just opened the door and he slammed right into it.
And I just kind of dusted my shoulder, kind of easy-osy, when, "Hmm, fancy seeing you here".
He actually retched at first, and he He had some dribble.
So, she's looking at me, like, "Wham-bam, this guy got some sugar.
" It was quite a nice chat, in some ways.
Moments later, I had her details stuffed in my back pock.
- You didn't give him your number? - For insurance.
- Still counts! - Did you tell her you were unemployed? No, I didn't tell her I'm unemployed.
I don't think publishing a blog entry - once a day can really mean that you're - He is jobless.
- No, fair do's.
- But he's very ambitious.
She sells these craft things online, like she does these vintage posters.
She's going to an art class later in Shoreditch.
I mean, it's like I just cycled into Simone de Beauvoir! I don't even know who that is.
Well, hold on a minute Crikey O'Digby! That's where I saw her.
- Last night.
- In the alley, how weird.
How funny.
That's a sign, isn't it? I mean, that is the meaningful hand of fate.
God, it's so obvious.
I'll surprise her at the art class.
- You are not going painting, Tom.
- You don't really paint, Tom.
I used to dabble when I was younger, I think I can - What, at primary school? - Doesn't matter when.
The important thing is, I'm trained.
I particularly like working with - Did you mean primary school, Tom? - No, I did not! What do you particularly like working with? - Crayon and paper portraits, mainly.
- Oh, shame.
- Potato cut-outs, sometimes.
- Deary me.
- You're a tit in trainers, Tom! - Love you! - Hey.
- Um Oh, hello.
Fine.
Just doing my laces up and you sort of crept up on me.
Well, I just opened my front door.
Didn't want to interview a suspect with my laces all flailing around.
Did you say "suspect"? Can I come in? Well, I was just going to an art class Oh, right.
You're busy, are you? It's just that someone has driven, with intense speed, into a Leukaemia charity van.
A Leukaemia .
.
charity van? Um Yeah, yeah, I mean, everything, really -- landscapes, still life, mobile life, so like a fruit bowl, but, um, plummeting There's a seat for you here.
Ah, lovely.
Um, deary me, my old friend, the easel.
Oooh, Private Pine, standing at ease.
Standing at easel.
Standing at easel! "Standing at easel"? No.
Were there any leukaemia victims actually in the van? Oh, no, no.
I don't think they need to be sort of shuttled around.
- No, I suppose not.
- They're quite mobile.
- Yeah.
I mean, a few pots of paint were spilled, but Oh -- so, no human damage, then? No, no.
Of course, there were the wigs.
Wigs? The paint ruined all the wigs.
And what are the wigs for? Well, they're to create the illusion of hair.
No In this case, though? In this case, they're for the children -- so the children can live a normal life, go to school, so they're not shunned for their chemotherapy.
But of course, on this occasion, they won't get their wigs, which is devastatingly sad .
.
and enraging.
I get nervous before I paint, sometimes.
It's the thrill of it, isn't it, partly? What's going to get drawn.
"Did you ram the van?" I guess, is the headline.
No, I didn't, no.
No.
No? You see, that's thrown me.
I was hoping you'd confess, because I Well, I'm meeting Badger at five to play badminton and yes, I will be checking his shuttlecocks this time for signs of foul play.
Excuse me? Hi, have you got a mirror? No, I don't.
You haven't got just a hand mirror? No, sorry.
How quickly can you draw, then? - You want me to draw? - No, it doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter.
OK, I think we're all ready to get started.
Hi, sorry I'm late.
Whoa, no-no-no-no, this seat's taken.
There aren't any other chairs.
- Um, er - OK, if we're all ready? OK, Ellen Oh, God.
No! No, no God, no, no, no, no Please, please, don't, don't Stop, please, please.
No need, no need I beg of you DOOR SHUTS 'Now, then -- I Sorry, earlier, for staring at you -- not staring, 'but inadvertently seeing your breasts, your body, because 'It was just because, you know, you mentioned about the art class 'and just out of interest, because you'd opened a door in my face -- 'which by the way, I don't care -- aching jaws and eyes -- bovvered(?) LAUGHING: 'But I just didn't assume 'that you'd be getting your clothes off for money.
'You little slut(!) 'No, no, no, because it's the drawing is what makes it not perving, 'which is why I did a little sketch on the bus home, 'show it to you some time.
'I guess the reason I came and found you, in all your glory, 'was that I just I don't know, when I met you, 'we didn't have much time and maybe I could go for a coffee one day? 'With you -- I wouldn't want to go on my own, I'd feel like a plum.
'But I'm not I mean, I haven't actually said anything, 'so don't make out like I'm sort of bloody madly strutting around 'with a big banner with your face all over it.
'You're not Mao Zedong! 'You can redo these sometimes can't you, um, Ellen? 'Um' Text me, bye.
Well, good luck to you, Tom.
'Ellen, um 'Text me, bye.
' - Yeah, so that's a shame.
- TEXT ALER Oh, Cags wants you to send her Sian's address for the party.
Yeah, OK.
I think maybe this guy likes me.
Yes, obviously he likes you.
He's a stalker! He likes you so much, he'll probably want to eat you and wear your back as a wig.
Use your feet to store umbrellas, or something.
I thought he might have been all right.
I was thinking of inviting him to the party in a "relaxed, don't really care, inviting you almost because "I can't be bothered not to invite you" kind of way, if that - Does that work? - No, it doesn't.
Cags, Ellen.
- Yes, OK.
But now he's trailed me, like I'm an antelope And stared at you naked, and called you a slut.
Why is everyone a psychopath? - Yeah, present company excepted.
- Yeah I think I'll just play it safe.
Just send him a short, meaningless text and give nothing away.
TOM SIGHS - PHONE VIBRATES - Oh.
Oh, my God! She's all over me.
- Dad! - ASHLEY LAUGHS Get me to the church on time(!) There's nothing there, mate.
It's a desert.
- Sorry, Tom.
- No, it's fine.
I should probably forget all about it.
- So, this is the nook.
- This is the vortex.
Guess you can't really complain about the bishop, Dad.
Supposing I find the other 31 pieces and the board and start playing chess? Is this a tactic, Ashley? To nook my belongings? - Is this your next play? - Not at all, no.
I'm just putting some things we don't need in the nook.
I know you're lying, Ashley.
I can tell from your body language.
What? You don't even know body language.
They don't teach that to people who can hear.
That's sign language, you bloody ape! Is that my Saga magazine? - Oh, God! - Where? They're sending me crazy, Maeve.
- Mum said that you harassed someone.
- What? No, no, I didn't.
I Yes, I followed someone to an appointment, and yes, I saw them in the nuddy-duddy, but that's just - Just what gets you off.
- No! Well, I didn't mind it.
- PHONE VIBRATES - Oh, text.
Oh, oops! I think this is OK, but I just accidentally sent Tom the address to the party.
- Why? - Well, I was trying to send it to Cags.
- Why didn't you send it to Cags, then? - Helpful(!) - Oh, you don't think he's going to? - No, I don't think he'll Uh-oh, someone just got invited to a party -- moi, me! - Oh, my days! What does it say? - Quite to the point.
"Hey, Cags," which I presume is some kind of East London slang term, "colon, address for the party.
" Simple.
Right.
Are you sure it's meant for you? Hmm, let me just think.
Did it come to my number or not? Er, yes, it did, so yes, it was, so let's par-tay! Does that mean he's coming? No.
No.
It won't.
- Surely not? - Surely not.
- Oh, surely not, Tom.
- Let's hit the road! - Ow! Bloody hell, finger nails, Lesley! - Oh, sorry, did that hurt(?) Oh, it's like you sharpen them! - Well, they don't sharpen themselves.
- What?! Ding dong, I'm off to the ball.
Tom, the Amstrad! You'll pass a skip somewhere.
Just dump it for me, please.
This is one of the ones I have to win.
- He got to keep his cactus.
- All right, fine, I don't care.
- Lesley?! - Go! Lesley, what's going on? Nothing.
Oh, good.
Luke's dropping by at some point.
What? Oh, my God, stop it! I shouldn't have to say this, but stop using me as sex bait to get an internship.
The term is actually "honey trap", Ellen, but I don't care.
You don't even know what the UN does.
- Yes, I do! - What's it do, then? Jesus Christ, I mean - Eloise? - You can't get help from a friend.
- I don't like Eloise.
OK, well that's not my point.
She's actually fatter than she is, you know? Well, I don't understand that, so She's actually a fatter person than she actually is.
- That's the same sentence.
- DOORBELL RINGS Oh, that'll be Luke now.
Perfect(!) Ugh, it's you.
Yes, hi.
Is Ellen in? She invited - No, she didn't.
- She did, actually.
Bitten by the bug.
It was an admin error, she told me.
- No, it wasn't.
Listen, Cags - Eh? I just like her, so just see what she thinks, because - No.
- She might - She won't.
- I'm honestly - Oh, you're a worm! - What? - A worm! - Er - I knew you'd do that and I waited, to save me the bother of coming back.
The answer is "no"! Hmm.
Luke's here! CHEERING Paco Rabanne? Don't mind if I do.
Hmm, pure sex.
SEXUAL MOANS AND LOUNGE MUSIC ON TV I think I'm in the wrong place.
What are you doing in our flat? I think I must have gone too high or too left.
I thought there was a party? The party is next door.
Stay and watch, if you want.
Um TV: 'Oh! Oh, yeah' Nah.
Nah, you're OK.
Thanks, though.
- She's not pulling any punches, is she? - No.
- We know her.
- Do you? Go bowling with her.
That's lovely.
MOANS CLIMAX And how are you? I'm OK.
These were flown in from Isfahan this morning.
Oh, thank you.
Your favourite cupcake.
You can have as many as you like.
Your figure's brilliant.
- Thank you.
- Eat it.
- What? - Come on, eat it up.
- Hermione? Eat the cupcake.
Seriously.
- So, this is all original - TV: 'Oh Oh, yeah' - Right.
- .
.
and we just had it painted.
Did you really? Well, it's a good life.
Um, I'm probably going to I'm Tom, by the way.
- Sorry, what were your names? - Monica.
- Monica and? Douglas Carol Pine.
- Carol? - Carol can be a man's name, as well.
- OK, OK.
It can't, but fine.
I'm probably going to go - Oh, don't leave.
- I really want to.
Oh, please don't.
My scene's coming up.
Fast forward, Monica.
Don't, Monica.
Monica, don't.
SHE CHOKES What's happening? She's choking.
- What? - She's choking on the ring! - What?! - Oh, my God, tell me she's got private health insurance! - Do it properly, Luke! - Um Will you marry me? - MUFFLED COMPLAINTS - You said she'd be up for this! - Do the list, Luke! - Oh, er - Ban Ki-moon, 70G a year, um - Otter! - .
.
and I got you an otter.
A ceramic otter, because on your first weekend away, you saw an otter.
You have to pay me back for that, by the way, Luke.
ELLEN COUGHS AND RING DROPS The answer is "no".
I mean, obviously! Ellen, what's your problem?! He's a nine, you're six -- max! - Why am I a? - Leeds, maybe! SEDUCTIVE JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS Notice how the sax really cuts through the mix.
Oh, yeah.
It does, actually.
Must say, really glad you took a wrong turn.
Good Oh, Christ on the old cross, mate! PARTY MUSIC FROM INSIDE FLA Hey, how are you doing? Lovely.
Which Shrek do you like most? Oh, my God! I'm calling the police, he's stalking Ellen! What? No, don't.
Where is she? - It's ringing.
- Just That was quick.
I just need to see her one more time, that's all.
Right, oh, my God! - Who are you? - I don't know who these people are.
- Oh, bye, Tom.
Nice to see you.
- Absolutely no idea.
- Never met him before in my life - Who likes vermouth? Ellen? Ellen! MUSIC: To Be Alone With You by Sufjan Stevens THUNDER RUMBLES 'Passenger announcement.
'No trains will be stopping at this station, folks.
'Can everyone please exit the station in an orderly fashion 'and seek alternative means of transport.
Thank you.
' PHONE RINGS - 'Dramatic change of plan, Tom.
- Yes? 'Save the Amstrad at all costs.
' It's pretty poor timing, Mum.
'It's got my diary of the Leicester years, Tom -- 'it's the chronicle of our love.
' It describes our first-ever bridge game, Tom, it's sacrosanct.
It's not coming home, Mum.
- No! - No! - No! - No! - No! No, no, it has everything, Tom, it has everything, it's got the Harry Ramsden's dinner, Tom.
'I didn't realise -- it's everything, Tom.
' We had three cod between two that night, Tom.
'Love is like that when you get together with someone.
'It was heady, it was mad, it was the Midlands in the '70s! 'Save the Amstrad, Tom! Save it at all costs, - 'if it's the last thing you ever' - HE HANGS UP THUNDERCLAP SONG: First Day Of My Life by Bright Eyes This is the first day of my life Swear I was born right in the doorway I went out in the rain Suddenly everything changed They're spreading blankets on the beach Yours is the first face that I saw I think I was blind before I met you Now I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been But I know where I want to go And so I thought I'd let you know That these things take forever I especially am slow But I realise that I need you And I wondered if I could come home Mm-hmm, mm-hmm
I'm not that bad.
At least I'm not a psychopath! - You're a hoarder, Ashley.
- No, I am not.
- You belong in a shock-doc.
- No, I do not.
What's going on? - She's doing a toss-out.
- For the second-hand shop.
No, no, I am not having some hippy get his hands all over my Duff mug.
No! And What? Not the Amstrad! Or the brochures Not the double poncho! - Double? What's a double? - Alton Towers.
Room for two humans? Found it in the nook, the nook in the boiler room, - where she puts things, before they get bumped off.
- Not officially.
The zone between the living and the dead.
- Oh, like where you put Nana.
- No, we are not discussing that, Tom.
Sheltered accommodation, Tom -- she's got a Hitachi TV, she's living the effing dream! We bought this on our first date, Les -- Alton Towers.
Leicester years.
We were the scourge of Leicester, Tom.
- Were you? - We didn't do it any favours, that's for sure.
Les, tell him about the time I wee'd in the swimming pool.
Oh, he wee'd in the swimming pool, Tom.
- Oh, yeah? - Hammered.
In the middle of the day, as well.
Wonderful.
Well, I'm going to see Maeve, debrief on last night's date.
Oh, tell her mum says hi, then.
It was from the diving board, Tom.
- Fabulous.
- People clapped.
- Your father clapped.
- And off I pop.
No! Oh, no-no-no But Sorry, he asked you to get back with him? He was quite upset.
Couldn't finish his peshwari naan.
But hold on -- Luke asked you, and you, rather than him, said "no"? I know it's difficult to compute.
He's awful with the waiters, Hermione.
Sorry He works for the UN, Ellen.
He's met Ban Ki-moon -- he's offered him a Smint.
He mentioned, a few times.
If you like him so much, why don't you go out with him? The day I get sloppy seconds from you is the day I lie in a bath and, as they say, commit suicide.
Baby, don't over-estimate yourself.
Luke's willing to overlook a hell of a lot.
You're new to London, you temp, you're Northern, and I'm only telling you painful truths because I care.
What's painful about it? That's my life.
I know.
Breaks my heart.
Oi-oi, here comes trouble.
[BUILDER WOLF-WHISTLES.]
- Put it away, Norm! - Oh, God! Just smile and absorb it, don't be frigid.
- Hey, guys! What up? - You all right, girls? How you feeling? Lonely? Want a little cuddle? She is a bit lonely, actually.
Good shout, buddy.
Hey, you, cheer yourself up, it might never happen.
I mean, it is happening -- THIS is happening.
Don't be so moody, Ellen.
Time of the month, is it? Eh, boys? - This has been nice.
I'm going to my car.
- Oi, love Why don't you show us where you piss from? [HERMIONE LAUGHS.]
Oh, naughty! Bit of a firecracker! I don't mind it, and I think it's great, but for some, that's a bit much.
Well, don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Want to have a little play with Kevin and the twins? Who's Kev? NERVOUS GIGGLE Ellen, you'll never guess what just happened.
We were having a nice chat and I was about to ask him about his working conditions, because I'm actually really interested CRASH AND HERMIONE SCREAMS Ellen! CAR ENGINE REVS Bless her.
Come on, Squidge.
Those houses won't build themselves.
Oh, my Lord! Come on, then.
Lay it on me.
Where's Lincoln? What? Say again? - Where's Lincoln? - East Midlands.
- Good Cool.
So, saw Liz Tang last night, don't hold back.
I've been Tangoed.
What's the feedback? How like, tall do you think the Shard is? What are you doing, Maeve? Oh, I'm just updating the Wikipedia entry for England.
Right, I mean, you're a barrister -- should you not be doing, you know, your bits and bobs? - They've left out a ton of stuff.
- Hmm? - Lincoln, the Shard, Watchdog - Uh-huh.
Giving myself a little mention.
- Does it need to mention you, do you think? - Well, it mentions Tring.
- Fair play, then.
- Um, so Um, yeah.
Liz Tang I was just on the phone to her, actually Before you start blabbing on, I just want to say thank you, really, because last night, more than any other dates I've been on, I was just myself.
And just thanks for that advice, basically.
- What, did I say that? - Yes, you did.
- "Just be yourself"? - Indeed.
Um, how do you think it went? Quietly confident.
It's a "no" from her.
Good.
Well, that's a relief.
Um, good.
To be honest, I don't really have time for a woman in my life at the moment anyway, because I'm building up to Ironman Australia.
So Well, I'm off.
Oh, just a quick Width of a Beefeater's hat? Not now, Maeve.
Ellen, pull over.
I'm hyperventilating! There you are, so don't say I'm not impulsive.
- I never ever say that, anyway.
- Well, don't say it from now on.
Oh, Jesus! I won't tell Luke, don't worry.
I don't care about Luke! What about the Met? How anal are they, in regards to crime these days? Tell me if it's a bad time to bring it up, but is it OK that I invited Luke to Sian's house-warming later? - No.
- If this madness ends and you do -- fingers crossed -- - get back with Luke - Um .
.
he would actually do his best to secure me an internship at the UN.
- I mean, I'm manifestly speechless! - It would be paid, is the thing.
I've just rammed a van, and you're talking about trading me like a prostitute for your career.
Don't think of it as a trade -- think of it as a lease, or a loan, if that helps.
It doesn't help.
I'm getting some ciggies.
Ellen, the only thing I've ever truly wanted for my career is .
.
training to be an estate agent, but carry on.
Oh, like the UN doesn't need estate agents?! Those refugees will need somewhere to live, Ellen, and I can secure them houses at very competitive prices.
Good on you! Agh! Oh! Ow Lovely Seven seconds on low, just take the edge off the chill, maintain the bouquet and oopsie-doopsie-daisy-doe, a perfect rhubarb yog for you.
Ta.
Still tossing your Amstrad, but Next, on the perfect afternoon with Ashley and Lesley, MasterChef quarter finale on BBC's iPlayer.
VOICES ON TV Well, eat it quickly, Les.
Room temperature plays havoc with Asda dairy.
Left out an eight-pack of Petits Filous -- absolute massacre.
Mmm.
DOOR SHUTS Lovely.
Now, don't go panicking, it looks worse than it is.
Oh, no -- not this! Tom I just had a little accident, banged my head, but honestly - Oh, my God -- he's hit his head, Ashley! - I'll pause MasterChef.
- A head injury, Christ! What's your name? - I'm Tom.
Lesley, don't stop eating it! It'll be tepid in five seconds.
I was just on my bike and a car door opened.
- Joyce's boy had a head injury and he ended up a plumber! - Right The perfect temperature is the thing, Lesley! Who did this to you? Her name's Ellen Baxter.
She's pretty fit, actually.
- Mmm - Ashley! Yes, well there's no point wasting a perfectly good rhubarb yog.
Our son! Liz, I can be concerned and simultaneously eat a rhuby yog.
There's no right way to grieve.
- I just think I need to sit down.
- Ashley, shift.
Dad, get up.
Yes, let's reconvene after MasterChef.
Kate's made an emulsion.
I thought he was quite unusual.
Yeah, I was there.
Did you see? I just opened the door and he slammed right into it.
And I just kind of dusted my shoulder, kind of easy-osy, when, "Hmm, fancy seeing you here".
He actually retched at first, and he He had some dribble.
So, she's looking at me, like, "Wham-bam, this guy got some sugar.
" It was quite a nice chat, in some ways.
Moments later, I had her details stuffed in my back pock.
- You didn't give him your number? - For insurance.
- Still counts! - Did you tell her you were unemployed? No, I didn't tell her I'm unemployed.
I don't think publishing a blog entry - once a day can really mean that you're - He is jobless.
- No, fair do's.
- But he's very ambitious.
She sells these craft things online, like she does these vintage posters.
She's going to an art class later in Shoreditch.
I mean, it's like I just cycled into Simone de Beauvoir! I don't even know who that is.
Well, hold on a minute Crikey O'Digby! That's where I saw her.
- Last night.
- In the alley, how weird.
How funny.
That's a sign, isn't it? I mean, that is the meaningful hand of fate.
God, it's so obvious.
I'll surprise her at the art class.
- You are not going painting, Tom.
- You don't really paint, Tom.
I used to dabble when I was younger, I think I can - What, at primary school? - Doesn't matter when.
The important thing is, I'm trained.
I particularly like working with - Did you mean primary school, Tom? - No, I did not! What do you particularly like working with? - Crayon and paper portraits, mainly.
- Oh, shame.
- Potato cut-outs, sometimes.
- Deary me.
- You're a tit in trainers, Tom! - Love you! - Hey.
- Um Oh, hello.
Fine.
Just doing my laces up and you sort of crept up on me.
Well, I just opened my front door.
Didn't want to interview a suspect with my laces all flailing around.
Did you say "suspect"? Can I come in? Well, I was just going to an art class Oh, right.
You're busy, are you? It's just that someone has driven, with intense speed, into a Leukaemia charity van.
A Leukaemia .
.
charity van? Um Yeah, yeah, I mean, everything, really -- landscapes, still life, mobile life, so like a fruit bowl, but, um, plummeting There's a seat for you here.
Ah, lovely.
Um, deary me, my old friend, the easel.
Oooh, Private Pine, standing at ease.
Standing at easel.
Standing at easel! "Standing at easel"? No.
Were there any leukaemia victims actually in the van? Oh, no, no.
I don't think they need to be sort of shuttled around.
- No, I suppose not.
- They're quite mobile.
- Yeah.
I mean, a few pots of paint were spilled, but Oh -- so, no human damage, then? No, no.
Of course, there were the wigs.
Wigs? The paint ruined all the wigs.
And what are the wigs for? Well, they're to create the illusion of hair.
No In this case, though? In this case, they're for the children -- so the children can live a normal life, go to school, so they're not shunned for their chemotherapy.
But of course, on this occasion, they won't get their wigs, which is devastatingly sad .
.
and enraging.
I get nervous before I paint, sometimes.
It's the thrill of it, isn't it, partly? What's going to get drawn.
"Did you ram the van?" I guess, is the headline.
No, I didn't, no.
No.
No? You see, that's thrown me.
I was hoping you'd confess, because I Well, I'm meeting Badger at five to play badminton and yes, I will be checking his shuttlecocks this time for signs of foul play.
Excuse me? Hi, have you got a mirror? No, I don't.
You haven't got just a hand mirror? No, sorry.
How quickly can you draw, then? - You want me to draw? - No, it doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter.
OK, I think we're all ready to get started.
Hi, sorry I'm late.
Whoa, no-no-no-no, this seat's taken.
There aren't any other chairs.
- Um, er - OK, if we're all ready? OK, Ellen Oh, God.
No! No, no God, no, no, no, no Please, please, don't, don't Stop, please, please.
No need, no need I beg of you DOOR SHUTS 'Now, then -- I Sorry, earlier, for staring at you -- not staring, 'but inadvertently seeing your breasts, your body, because 'It was just because, you know, you mentioned about the art class 'and just out of interest, because you'd opened a door in my face -- 'which by the way, I don't care -- aching jaws and eyes -- bovvered(?) LAUGHING: 'But I just didn't assume 'that you'd be getting your clothes off for money.
'You little slut(!) 'No, no, no, because it's the drawing is what makes it not perving, 'which is why I did a little sketch on the bus home, 'show it to you some time.
'I guess the reason I came and found you, in all your glory, 'was that I just I don't know, when I met you, 'we didn't have much time and maybe I could go for a coffee one day? 'With you -- I wouldn't want to go on my own, I'd feel like a plum.
'But I'm not I mean, I haven't actually said anything, 'so don't make out like I'm sort of bloody madly strutting around 'with a big banner with your face all over it.
'You're not Mao Zedong! 'You can redo these sometimes can't you, um, Ellen? 'Um' Text me, bye.
Well, good luck to you, Tom.
'Ellen, um 'Text me, bye.
' - Yeah, so that's a shame.
- TEXT ALER Oh, Cags wants you to send her Sian's address for the party.
Yeah, OK.
I think maybe this guy likes me.
Yes, obviously he likes you.
He's a stalker! He likes you so much, he'll probably want to eat you and wear your back as a wig.
Use your feet to store umbrellas, or something.
I thought he might have been all right.
I was thinking of inviting him to the party in a "relaxed, don't really care, inviting you almost because "I can't be bothered not to invite you" kind of way, if that - Does that work? - No, it doesn't.
Cags, Ellen.
- Yes, OK.
But now he's trailed me, like I'm an antelope And stared at you naked, and called you a slut.
Why is everyone a psychopath? - Yeah, present company excepted.
- Yeah I think I'll just play it safe.
Just send him a short, meaningless text and give nothing away.
TOM SIGHS - PHONE VIBRATES - Oh.
Oh, my God! She's all over me.
- Dad! - ASHLEY LAUGHS Get me to the church on time(!) There's nothing there, mate.
It's a desert.
- Sorry, Tom.
- No, it's fine.
I should probably forget all about it.
- So, this is the nook.
- This is the vortex.
Guess you can't really complain about the bishop, Dad.
Supposing I find the other 31 pieces and the board and start playing chess? Is this a tactic, Ashley? To nook my belongings? - Is this your next play? - Not at all, no.
I'm just putting some things we don't need in the nook.
I know you're lying, Ashley.
I can tell from your body language.
What? You don't even know body language.
They don't teach that to people who can hear.
That's sign language, you bloody ape! Is that my Saga magazine? - Oh, God! - Where? They're sending me crazy, Maeve.
- Mum said that you harassed someone.
- What? No, no, I didn't.
I Yes, I followed someone to an appointment, and yes, I saw them in the nuddy-duddy, but that's just - Just what gets you off.
- No! Well, I didn't mind it.
- PHONE VIBRATES - Oh, text.
Oh, oops! I think this is OK, but I just accidentally sent Tom the address to the party.
- Why? - Well, I was trying to send it to Cags.
- Why didn't you send it to Cags, then? - Helpful(!) - Oh, you don't think he's going to? - No, I don't think he'll Uh-oh, someone just got invited to a party -- moi, me! - Oh, my days! What does it say? - Quite to the point.
"Hey, Cags," which I presume is some kind of East London slang term, "colon, address for the party.
" Simple.
Right.
Are you sure it's meant for you? Hmm, let me just think.
Did it come to my number or not? Er, yes, it did, so yes, it was, so let's par-tay! Does that mean he's coming? No.
No.
It won't.
- Surely not? - Surely not.
- Oh, surely not, Tom.
- Let's hit the road! - Ow! Bloody hell, finger nails, Lesley! - Oh, sorry, did that hurt(?) Oh, it's like you sharpen them! - Well, they don't sharpen themselves.
- What?! Ding dong, I'm off to the ball.
Tom, the Amstrad! You'll pass a skip somewhere.
Just dump it for me, please.
This is one of the ones I have to win.
- He got to keep his cactus.
- All right, fine, I don't care.
- Lesley?! - Go! Lesley, what's going on? Nothing.
Oh, good.
Luke's dropping by at some point.
What? Oh, my God, stop it! I shouldn't have to say this, but stop using me as sex bait to get an internship.
The term is actually "honey trap", Ellen, but I don't care.
You don't even know what the UN does.
- Yes, I do! - What's it do, then? Jesus Christ, I mean - Eloise? - You can't get help from a friend.
- I don't like Eloise.
OK, well that's not my point.
She's actually fatter than she is, you know? Well, I don't understand that, so She's actually a fatter person than she actually is.
- That's the same sentence.
- DOORBELL RINGS Oh, that'll be Luke now.
Perfect(!) Ugh, it's you.
Yes, hi.
Is Ellen in? She invited - No, she didn't.
- She did, actually.
Bitten by the bug.
It was an admin error, she told me.
- No, it wasn't.
Listen, Cags - Eh? I just like her, so just see what she thinks, because - No.
- She might - She won't.
- I'm honestly - Oh, you're a worm! - What? - A worm! - Er - I knew you'd do that and I waited, to save me the bother of coming back.
The answer is "no"! Hmm.
Luke's here! CHEERING Paco Rabanne? Don't mind if I do.
Hmm, pure sex.
SEXUAL MOANS AND LOUNGE MUSIC ON TV I think I'm in the wrong place.
What are you doing in our flat? I think I must have gone too high or too left.
I thought there was a party? The party is next door.
Stay and watch, if you want.
Um TV: 'Oh! Oh, yeah' Nah.
Nah, you're OK.
Thanks, though.
- She's not pulling any punches, is she? - No.
- We know her.
- Do you? Go bowling with her.
That's lovely.
MOANS CLIMAX And how are you? I'm OK.
These were flown in from Isfahan this morning.
Oh, thank you.
Your favourite cupcake.
You can have as many as you like.
Your figure's brilliant.
- Thank you.
- Eat it.
- What? - Come on, eat it up.
- Hermione? Eat the cupcake.
Seriously.
- So, this is all original - TV: 'Oh Oh, yeah' - Right.
- .
.
and we just had it painted.
Did you really? Well, it's a good life.
Um, I'm probably going to I'm Tom, by the way.
- Sorry, what were your names? - Monica.
- Monica and? Douglas Carol Pine.
- Carol? - Carol can be a man's name, as well.
- OK, OK.
It can't, but fine.
I'm probably going to go - Oh, don't leave.
- I really want to.
Oh, please don't.
My scene's coming up.
Fast forward, Monica.
Don't, Monica.
Monica, don't.
SHE CHOKES What's happening? She's choking.
- What? - She's choking on the ring! - What?! - Oh, my God, tell me she's got private health insurance! - Do it properly, Luke! - Um Will you marry me? - MUFFLED COMPLAINTS - You said she'd be up for this! - Do the list, Luke! - Oh, er - Ban Ki-moon, 70G a year, um - Otter! - .
.
and I got you an otter.
A ceramic otter, because on your first weekend away, you saw an otter.
You have to pay me back for that, by the way, Luke.
ELLEN COUGHS AND RING DROPS The answer is "no".
I mean, obviously! Ellen, what's your problem?! He's a nine, you're six -- max! - Why am I a? - Leeds, maybe! SEDUCTIVE JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS Notice how the sax really cuts through the mix.
Oh, yeah.
It does, actually.
Must say, really glad you took a wrong turn.
Good Oh, Christ on the old cross, mate! PARTY MUSIC FROM INSIDE FLA Hey, how are you doing? Lovely.
Which Shrek do you like most? Oh, my God! I'm calling the police, he's stalking Ellen! What? No, don't.
Where is she? - It's ringing.
- Just That was quick.
I just need to see her one more time, that's all.
Right, oh, my God! - Who are you? - I don't know who these people are.
- Oh, bye, Tom.
Nice to see you.
- Absolutely no idea.
- Never met him before in my life - Who likes vermouth? Ellen? Ellen! MUSIC: To Be Alone With You by Sufjan Stevens THUNDER RUMBLES 'Passenger announcement.
'No trains will be stopping at this station, folks.
'Can everyone please exit the station in an orderly fashion 'and seek alternative means of transport.
Thank you.
' PHONE RINGS - 'Dramatic change of plan, Tom.
- Yes? 'Save the Amstrad at all costs.
' It's pretty poor timing, Mum.
'It's got my diary of the Leicester years, Tom -- 'it's the chronicle of our love.
' It describes our first-ever bridge game, Tom, it's sacrosanct.
It's not coming home, Mum.
- No! - No! - No! - No! - No! No, no, it has everything, Tom, it has everything, it's got the Harry Ramsden's dinner, Tom.
'I didn't realise -- it's everything, Tom.
' We had three cod between two that night, Tom.
'Love is like that when you get together with someone.
'It was heady, it was mad, it was the Midlands in the '70s! 'Save the Amstrad, Tom! Save it at all costs, - 'if it's the last thing you ever' - HE HANGS UP THUNDERCLAP SONG: First Day Of My Life by Bright Eyes This is the first day of my life Swear I was born right in the doorway I went out in the rain Suddenly everything changed They're spreading blankets on the beach Yours is the first face that I saw I think I was blind before I met you Now I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been But I know where I want to go And so I thought I'd let you know That these things take forever I especially am slow But I realise that I need you And I wondered if I could come home Mm-hmm, mm-hmm