Top Cat (1961) s01e12 Episode Script
The Unscratchables
Choo Choo, untie Benny and let's scram ! All right, everybody.
Into the car.
Go! After them.
Don't let those mugs get away.
-Here they come, T.
C.
-And away we go.
They're gaining on us, T.
C.
We're going as fast as we can.
Any volunteers to lighten the load? -What'll we do, T.
C.
? -We'll get some police protection.
How? There's not a cop in sight.
That's what you think.
There's always one behind a billboard.
Fasten your seat belts.
What are you, some kind of nuts? You'll get 20 years for this! Boss, look, they got a police escort.
Turn around, quick.
Back to the hideout.
Read another chapter, will you, T.
C.
? It's just starting to get interesting.
No, it's getting kind of late, and I gotta hit the sack.
By the way, Choo Choo, where did you find this high-type reading matter? In a trashcan down the alley.
Boy, what a doll.
I could make space for her in my life.
Yeah, me, too.
Look at that physique.
Why don't I know any girls like that? Simple, Brain baby.
Like, you're not from outer space.
Remind me to subscribe to this magazine, Choo Choo.
It has a unique flavor, a literary style.
What is the word I'm looking for? -Cheesecake? -Right, cheesecake.
That's the word.
Okay, gang, let's break it up.
We got a full day ahead of us tomorrow.
That's for sure, Pops.
What time are we leaving for the track? Soon as we can raise the $2 for a bet.
Well, good night, you guys.
I'll see you in the morning.
-Like, sweet dreams, Daddy-O.
-Good night, T.
C.
See you in the a.
m.
, Chief.
Yeah, wake me about eight.
That is, eight minutes to 12:00.
There's nothing like your own bed.
Another bowling tournament? That's what I get for residing in a low-rent district.
Okay, okay.
Come on, already.
Drop the other shoe! That's the straw that did it! Hello, 12th Precinct? I wanna report a disturbance.
Some loud wise guys over at the Ajax Bowling Alley are making an awful racket.
The police team is bowling tonight? Sorry, sir.
I must have the wrong number.
All right, T.
C.
Freeze.
How many times have I told you to keep your hands off my phone? How thoughtless of me, Officer Dribble.
I mean Dibble.
I didn't keep count.
Should I have? You needn't bother because this is the last time I'm gonna tell you.
Keep your big, fat hands off my phone! Better answer it, Dibble.
It could be for you, you know.
And please keep it down to a whisper, will you? I'm trying to get some sleep.
Hello, Dibble speaking.
I mean, Dibble speaking.
What's up, Sarge? Big Gus and his boys are back in town? Yeah, Sarge, I'll keep an eye open for them.
Right.
Good night, Sarge.
Stiffany's Jewelers.
Yeah, this is the place.
Boy, Big Gus don't fool around with no chicken-feed capers.
Hey, what are we gonna do, Mugsy? Heist the Hopeless Diamond and bring it back to Big Gus.
There's the little beauty, in the window.
$500,000 worth of ice.
$500,000? Maybe Big Gus will give us a raise if we pull this job off.
He'll give us a one-way ticket out of town if we don't.
Now, keep the motor running.
This will only take a minute.
I got it! Let's get out of here! Hey, Muscles, you forgot me! Jeez, the cops.
Stop or I'll shoot! All right.
Knock it off, you guys.
Can't you see I'm trying to get some sleep? I lost him.
I'd better call the station.
That's right, Sarge.
Smashed the window and grabbed the Hopeless Diamond.
You know, the one that's worth $500,000.
I'd give that much just for a good night's sleep.
I'll keep looking, Sarge.
You send a squad car down right away.
More cops.
I better get rid of this hot ice in case I'm picked up.
That's it.
That's a perfect hiding place.
I'll stash it here and come back for it later.
Now I'll duck until the heat's off.
Hey, Mac, what do you think this is? A garbage can? Now, what the heck is this thing? Did you hear about the robbery? Somebody busted Stiffany's window and stole a big diamond! -A diamond? -Yeah, a lollapalooza.
It's worth $500,000.
That's it! You got it.
You got the diamond.
Gosh, T.
C.
! I never thought you'd do such a thing.
If you were a little strapped, pal, I could have let you have $1.
All right, knock it off.
This rock was dropped on my head while I was trying to get some sleep.
No kidding.
I'll go tell Officer Dibble right away.
Freeze, Benny.
You're not gonna keep the diamond, are you, T.
C.
? Keep the diamond? Well, I should say not.
Of course not.
First thing in the morning, I might take it to a reliable fence.
-A fence? -Someone trustworthy, like Crooked Louie.
But Officer Dibble said they're offering a $50,000 reward for the stone.
$50,000! Well, in that case, it's my duty as a loyal citizen to return this diamond to its rightful owner.
Here, Benny.
You hold it while I figure out a way to invest the $50,000 wisely.
Look, fellas.
Diamond Jim Benny.
I got it, fellas.
First, buy a small car.
Nothing elaborate.
Say, maybe a Rolls-Royce.
Then we'll get some new clothes, and we head for Las Vegas.
Hold it right there, bud.
Before you go anyplace, hand over that diamond.
Diamond? What diamond? You must be mistaken, friend.
There are no diamonds around here.
We are poor but honest peasants living on gratuities, perhaps a care package now and then but never any diamonds.
Like, he who steals our purse.
Nothing.
Hide the stone, Benny.
Hide it quick.
All right, let's stop making like a comic.
This gun has no sense of humor.
You, fatso, where's the diamond? Speak up, wise guy! Where is it? -I swallowed it.
-You what? I swallowed it.
I'm sorry.
Don't listen to him.
It's just his wild imagination.
I was talking to his analyst just the other day -and he said it would be years before-- -Shut up.
-Come on, fatso.
You're going with me.
-I am? Where? To the hideout.
You've got a date with Big Gus.
Holy mackerel, there, T.
C.
He's kidnapping Benny.
No, I can't let it happen.
Easy, T.
C.
We'll get Benny back.
Benny, schmenny.
I'm thinking about the diamond.
-What do we do, T.
C.
? -There's only one thing to do.
Head for Big Gus' hideout in the mountains.
Are you kidding? We can't even raise the bus fare to go uptown.
Bus fare.
Please! I practically own $50,000.
We are gonna buy a car.
Get the gang together and meet me down at Honest Otto's used car lot.
-Go, boy.
Let's not waste time.
-Right, T.
C.
You're a shrewd one, mister.
I can see you know your car.
The minute you picked this beauty, I said: -"Now there's a man who knows his cars.
" -How much? $20? At the moment, my assets are all tied up in capital gains.
I'll be happy to extend you credit, sir.
You do have a credit card, don't you? Certainly, 52 of them.
My cards, Chooch.
Here you are, boss.
What will it be: rummy, Five Card Stud, Fan Tan, Jacks or Better? You name it, I'll play it.
I am not playing and I am not giving you a car without some collateral.
Collateral? Why didn't you say so? Here, take Brain and just give me a receipt.
Wait a minute.
What am I supposed to do with him? Just feed him twice a day and make sure he blows his nose.
All right, gang.
Pile in.
Go, men.
But, gentlemen, wait! I didn't give you the receipt.
That's all right, Otto.
We trust you.
So long, Brain.
-Bye, T.
C.
, and good luck.
-Thanks.
And remember, it's not everyone that can be a human sacrifice.
I must be losing my mind.
No deposit? A human collateral? Wait till my psychiatrist hears about this.
Don't take it so hard, mister.
Top Cat does that to everybody.
-Sounds like Fifi is home.
-Who is Fifi? Big Gus' girl.
Come on.
Gus, mon cheri.
You are so handsome.
You are my big daddy.
Entrez-vous.
-Hi, Fifi.
We're here.
-Well, it's about time.
Where have you two mugs been? We had a little trouble.
Where's Big Gus? He's on his way here.
What's that with you? Some kind of booby prize? Yeah, but this booby's got the Hopeless Diamond.
-He swallowed it.
-Swallowed it? Big Gus ain't gonna like that.
What are you gonna do? I'll call Doc Rigor Morton.
He'll know what to do.
We've been spinning these wheels for hours and still no sign of a hideout.
Hold it, T.
C.
Hold it.
What's the matter? If my eyes don't deceive me, that car parked over there looks very familiar -as I observe it.
-Very good observing, Choo Choo.
That's the very vehicle they took our precious diamond.
I mean, our precious Benny away in.
Let's take a peek through the window and see what's going on.
I'm telling you, Doc, it's got to be there.
He says he swallowed it.
Look for yourself, wise guy.
Der x-ray machine shows everything.
All there is is a pastrami on rye mit pickles und a hard-boiled egg mit lots of pepper.
I had a little snack while watching The Late Show on TV.
This is the place, all right.
Now keep quiet, you guys.
If you gotta breathe, do it softly.
I think I'm gonna.
Knock it off, Chooch, or they'll knock us off.
Thanks, T.
C.
I'm okay now.
-What was that? -Sounded like a sneeze.
Better have a look around.
Maybe we've been tailed.
Scram ! Everybody, scatter! Hide! Nobody here.
Better check the henhouse.
Anybody in there? Excuse me.
Nothing but chickens in there.
And, boy, what a homely one in the middle.
I'd better check this out.
Sorry.
Like, no mail today.
How about that.
A talking mailbox.
What will they think of next? Anybody in there? Okay, I get the message.
Thanks, pal.
No hard feelings.
You got to get that diamond, Doc, or we'll all be bumped off.
-I'll try again.
Shake him up a little.
-A pleasure.
Okay.
Try it again, Doc.
Right.
I see something sparkling in there.
There it is.
The diamond was stuck behind the pastrami sandwich.
How are we gonna get it, Doc? Very simple.
We operate immediately.
Why, those.
They're gonna open Benny like he was a safe.
And they're doing it the hard way, without the combination.
They can't do that to our little pal.
We gotta stop them.
Are you kidding? Those guys are gangsters.
-Yeah, hoods.
-Like, gunsville, man.
What's the matter with you guys? What, are you scared? -Yeah! -All right, that makes it unanimous.
So we'll beat them at their own game.
We'll fight fire with fire.
-Yeah, that's the spirit.
-Like, we'll show them ! -What's the plan? -Plan? Stop nagging me, will you? Give me some time to think of something.
Let's see, now.
Think, think.
I got it, fellas! I got it! This is so exciting.
I've always wanted to be a nurse.
-Tell me when to get the Band-Aids, Doc.
-All right.
Is the patient ready? -Yeah, Doc.
He's all set.
-Good.
Then we start.
But I ain't got no Blue Cross.
And the doc ain't got no license.
So, we're even.
-I knew I forgot something.
-What's wrong, Doc? -I forgot the anesthetic.
-Good.
Can I go home now? Never mind, I'll try this.
It works just as good.
Okay, let's get started before Big Gus gets here.
-Who's that? -It must be Big Gus.
Entrez-vous, darling.
All right, where's the ice? -Who are you guys? -Who are we? -We are the Unscratchables.
-The Unscratchables? I never heard of you.
Okay, punk, you're asking for it.
Down, Killer.
Wait for the signal.
That was a close call for you, buster.
Killer has very sensitive feelings.
Now hand over the ice.
I'm supposed to give it to Big Gus.
Didn't you hear? Gus was picked up for jaywalking and he sent us over for the rock.
Yeah? Well, how do I know you guys are on the level? I'm getting tired of your lip, sonny.
-Learn him, Spook.
-Like, right, boss.
Just to show you you're not fooling around with kids.
Boy, am I glad to see you, T.
C.
-Do you know him? -Sure, we've been pals for years.
We were even thrown out of the same Boy Scout troop.
Right, it was the only way to meet the Girl Scouts.
Now let's have the ice before I turn Killer loose.
Let me at him, boss.
Hold it.
I ain't got the diamond.
Your pal swallowed it.
Okay, wrap him up.
I'll take him instead.
Big Gus ain't gonna like that.
Big Gus.
Is that all you guys can talk about? He's finished, see? A has-been.
And when I run into him, I'll-- -You'll what? -Big Gus! -Who are these bums, Mugsy? -They're the Unscratchables.
The Unscratchables? I never heard of them.
You sent them over to pick up the Hopeless Diamond, Big Gus.
Did you say Big Gus? Oh, my, we've made an awful mistake.
We're really looking for Big Ben.
-Big Ben? -Yes, Big Ben.
This is London, isn't it? What kind of social secretary are you, Spook? I distinctly said, "Big Ben in London" not "Big Gus in the Catskills.
" I'm, like, repentant, boss.
So sorry, Gus, but you know how it is with this hoodlum shortage.
You have to take anybody you can get.
Now I remember you.
You're the guy in the trashcan.
You're a phony! -All right, Killer.
Let him have it.
-Right, boss.
Okay.
Make one move, wise guy, and I'll plug you.
-Quick, Spook.
The light! -Got you, T.
C.
Choo Choo, untie Benny and let's scram ! All right, everybody.
Into the car.
Go! After them.
Don't let those mugs get away.
-Here they come, T.
C.
-And away we go.
They're gaining on us, T.
C.
We're going as fast as we can.
Any volunteers to lighten the load? -What'll we do, T.
C.
? -We'll get some police protection.
How? There's not a cop in sight.
That's what you think.
There's always one behind a billboard.
Fasten your seat belts.
What are you, some kind of nuts? You'll get 20 years for this! Boss, look, they got a police escort.
Turn around, quick.
Back to the hideout.
Honest, Officer.
We were being followed.
Sure you were.
You'll die when you hear the fine.
I ain't worried.
My boss will pay for it.
He's the one that was following me.
-And he went that way.
-And who's your boss? I don't like to be a name-dropper.
You've probably never heard of him.
Big Gus.
-Big Gus? The gangster? -Do you know him? Come to think of it, I did hear he was wanted by the police.
And how.
Naturally, there'd be a promotion for the lucky guy that brought him in.
TV appearances, fame, perhaps even a new motorcycle.
Come on, you're all coming with me to the station.
Just a minute now.
Let's see if I got this story straight.
Big Gus stole a pastrami sandwich and this officer swallowed the Hopeless Diamond, right? You're warm, sir, but not quite.
My little round friend here swallowed the jewel.
And Big Gus is hiding out because he stole the diamond.
If Big Gus stole the diamond, what's in fatso's stomach? Listen to this, sir.
What does it sound like to you, Your Honor? It sounds like a pastrami sandwich and a hard-boiled egg with lots of pepper.
But we can't afford to overlook any leads on Big Gus.
We'll send a squad car after them.
Extra ! Big Gus captured by police! Hopeless diamond recovered! Extra ! But the diamond is in your possession, Mr.
Stiffany.
At least you can give me part of the reward.
I've already told you, not one penny until the diamond is recovered.
-But it is recovered.
-I mean, fully recovered.
I can't show this to a customer.
Hiya, Benny boy.
How's the rock? Comme ci comme ca.
Man, like, what a crazy setting.
-We brought you a little lunch.
Here.
-My favorite snack.
A pastrami sandwich and a hard-boiled egg with lots of pepper.
Gee, thanks, T.
C.
Sorry, visiting time is over.
We can't take chances, you know.
Talk about heroes.
That kid's got it here.
Why don't we buy him a watch? Now, if we had a small part of that reward, say $2,000-- Not until the stone is in the window.
Well, if that's your attitude.
I wonder if that doc is still willing to operate.
Stand back, everybody! Anything can happen when Benny sneezes! -My diamond! Grab it! -I got it! After it! It bounced out of the door.
Hold it.
Oh, no! Look at this way, Mr.
Stiffany.
It saves you the price of a cutter.
Just think of it.
Hundreds of lovely little engagement rings to make female hearts beat faster.
Here you are, sir, with my compliments.
And forget the reward.
You know something, fellas? There's nothing worse than seeing a grown man cry.
It kind of turns you inside out.
I can't stand it.
Come on, let's go shoot some pool.
-You know, T.
C, you're all heart.
-Yeah, I know.
Into the car.
Go! After them.
Don't let those mugs get away.
-Here they come, T.
C.
-And away we go.
They're gaining on us, T.
C.
We're going as fast as we can.
Any volunteers to lighten the load? -What'll we do, T.
C.
? -We'll get some police protection.
How? There's not a cop in sight.
That's what you think.
There's always one behind a billboard.
Fasten your seat belts.
What are you, some kind of nuts? You'll get 20 years for this! Boss, look, they got a police escort.
Turn around, quick.
Back to the hideout.
Read another chapter, will you, T.
C.
? It's just starting to get interesting.
No, it's getting kind of late, and I gotta hit the sack.
By the way, Choo Choo, where did you find this high-type reading matter? In a trashcan down the alley.
Boy, what a doll.
I could make space for her in my life.
Yeah, me, too.
Look at that physique.
Why don't I know any girls like that? Simple, Brain baby.
Like, you're not from outer space.
Remind me to subscribe to this magazine, Choo Choo.
It has a unique flavor, a literary style.
What is the word I'm looking for? -Cheesecake? -Right, cheesecake.
That's the word.
Okay, gang, let's break it up.
We got a full day ahead of us tomorrow.
That's for sure, Pops.
What time are we leaving for the track? Soon as we can raise the $2 for a bet.
Well, good night, you guys.
I'll see you in the morning.
-Like, sweet dreams, Daddy-O.
-Good night, T.
C.
See you in the a.
m.
, Chief.
Yeah, wake me about eight.
That is, eight minutes to 12:00.
There's nothing like your own bed.
Another bowling tournament? That's what I get for residing in a low-rent district.
Okay, okay.
Come on, already.
Drop the other shoe! That's the straw that did it! Hello, 12th Precinct? I wanna report a disturbance.
Some loud wise guys over at the Ajax Bowling Alley are making an awful racket.
The police team is bowling tonight? Sorry, sir.
I must have the wrong number.
All right, T.
C.
Freeze.
How many times have I told you to keep your hands off my phone? How thoughtless of me, Officer Dribble.
I mean Dibble.
I didn't keep count.
Should I have? You needn't bother because this is the last time I'm gonna tell you.
Keep your big, fat hands off my phone! Better answer it, Dibble.
It could be for you, you know.
And please keep it down to a whisper, will you? I'm trying to get some sleep.
Hello, Dibble speaking.
I mean, Dibble speaking.
What's up, Sarge? Big Gus and his boys are back in town? Yeah, Sarge, I'll keep an eye open for them.
Right.
Good night, Sarge.
Stiffany's Jewelers.
Yeah, this is the place.
Boy, Big Gus don't fool around with no chicken-feed capers.
Hey, what are we gonna do, Mugsy? Heist the Hopeless Diamond and bring it back to Big Gus.
There's the little beauty, in the window.
$500,000 worth of ice.
$500,000? Maybe Big Gus will give us a raise if we pull this job off.
He'll give us a one-way ticket out of town if we don't.
Now, keep the motor running.
This will only take a minute.
I got it! Let's get out of here! Hey, Muscles, you forgot me! Jeez, the cops.
Stop or I'll shoot! All right.
Knock it off, you guys.
Can't you see I'm trying to get some sleep? I lost him.
I'd better call the station.
That's right, Sarge.
Smashed the window and grabbed the Hopeless Diamond.
You know, the one that's worth $500,000.
I'd give that much just for a good night's sleep.
I'll keep looking, Sarge.
You send a squad car down right away.
More cops.
I better get rid of this hot ice in case I'm picked up.
That's it.
That's a perfect hiding place.
I'll stash it here and come back for it later.
Now I'll duck until the heat's off.
Hey, Mac, what do you think this is? A garbage can? Now, what the heck is this thing? Did you hear about the robbery? Somebody busted Stiffany's window and stole a big diamond! -A diamond? -Yeah, a lollapalooza.
It's worth $500,000.
That's it! You got it.
You got the diamond.
Gosh, T.
C.
! I never thought you'd do such a thing.
If you were a little strapped, pal, I could have let you have $1.
All right, knock it off.
This rock was dropped on my head while I was trying to get some sleep.
No kidding.
I'll go tell Officer Dibble right away.
Freeze, Benny.
You're not gonna keep the diamond, are you, T.
C.
? Keep the diamond? Well, I should say not.
Of course not.
First thing in the morning, I might take it to a reliable fence.
-A fence? -Someone trustworthy, like Crooked Louie.
But Officer Dibble said they're offering a $50,000 reward for the stone.
$50,000! Well, in that case, it's my duty as a loyal citizen to return this diamond to its rightful owner.
Here, Benny.
You hold it while I figure out a way to invest the $50,000 wisely.
Look, fellas.
Diamond Jim Benny.
I got it, fellas.
First, buy a small car.
Nothing elaborate.
Say, maybe a Rolls-Royce.
Then we'll get some new clothes, and we head for Las Vegas.
Hold it right there, bud.
Before you go anyplace, hand over that diamond.
Diamond? What diamond? You must be mistaken, friend.
There are no diamonds around here.
We are poor but honest peasants living on gratuities, perhaps a care package now and then but never any diamonds.
Like, he who steals our purse.
Nothing.
Hide the stone, Benny.
Hide it quick.
All right, let's stop making like a comic.
This gun has no sense of humor.
You, fatso, where's the diamond? Speak up, wise guy! Where is it? -I swallowed it.
-You what? I swallowed it.
I'm sorry.
Don't listen to him.
It's just his wild imagination.
I was talking to his analyst just the other day -and he said it would be years before-- -Shut up.
-Come on, fatso.
You're going with me.
-I am? Where? To the hideout.
You've got a date with Big Gus.
Holy mackerel, there, T.
C.
He's kidnapping Benny.
No, I can't let it happen.
Easy, T.
C.
We'll get Benny back.
Benny, schmenny.
I'm thinking about the diamond.
-What do we do, T.
C.
? -There's only one thing to do.
Head for Big Gus' hideout in the mountains.
Are you kidding? We can't even raise the bus fare to go uptown.
Bus fare.
Please! I practically own $50,000.
We are gonna buy a car.
Get the gang together and meet me down at Honest Otto's used car lot.
-Go, boy.
Let's not waste time.
-Right, T.
C.
You're a shrewd one, mister.
I can see you know your car.
The minute you picked this beauty, I said: -"Now there's a man who knows his cars.
" -How much? $20? At the moment, my assets are all tied up in capital gains.
I'll be happy to extend you credit, sir.
You do have a credit card, don't you? Certainly, 52 of them.
My cards, Chooch.
Here you are, boss.
What will it be: rummy, Five Card Stud, Fan Tan, Jacks or Better? You name it, I'll play it.
I am not playing and I am not giving you a car without some collateral.
Collateral? Why didn't you say so? Here, take Brain and just give me a receipt.
Wait a minute.
What am I supposed to do with him? Just feed him twice a day and make sure he blows his nose.
All right, gang.
Pile in.
Go, men.
But, gentlemen, wait! I didn't give you the receipt.
That's all right, Otto.
We trust you.
So long, Brain.
-Bye, T.
C.
, and good luck.
-Thanks.
And remember, it's not everyone that can be a human sacrifice.
I must be losing my mind.
No deposit? A human collateral? Wait till my psychiatrist hears about this.
Don't take it so hard, mister.
Top Cat does that to everybody.
-Sounds like Fifi is home.
-Who is Fifi? Big Gus' girl.
Come on.
Gus, mon cheri.
You are so handsome.
You are my big daddy.
Entrez-vous.
-Hi, Fifi.
We're here.
-Well, it's about time.
Where have you two mugs been? We had a little trouble.
Where's Big Gus? He's on his way here.
What's that with you? Some kind of booby prize? Yeah, but this booby's got the Hopeless Diamond.
-He swallowed it.
-Swallowed it? Big Gus ain't gonna like that.
What are you gonna do? I'll call Doc Rigor Morton.
He'll know what to do.
We've been spinning these wheels for hours and still no sign of a hideout.
Hold it, T.
C.
Hold it.
What's the matter? If my eyes don't deceive me, that car parked over there looks very familiar -as I observe it.
-Very good observing, Choo Choo.
That's the very vehicle they took our precious diamond.
I mean, our precious Benny away in.
Let's take a peek through the window and see what's going on.
I'm telling you, Doc, it's got to be there.
He says he swallowed it.
Look for yourself, wise guy.
Der x-ray machine shows everything.
All there is is a pastrami on rye mit pickles und a hard-boiled egg mit lots of pepper.
I had a little snack while watching The Late Show on TV.
This is the place, all right.
Now keep quiet, you guys.
If you gotta breathe, do it softly.
I think I'm gonna.
Knock it off, Chooch, or they'll knock us off.
Thanks, T.
C.
I'm okay now.
-What was that? -Sounded like a sneeze.
Better have a look around.
Maybe we've been tailed.
Scram ! Everybody, scatter! Hide! Nobody here.
Better check the henhouse.
Anybody in there? Excuse me.
Nothing but chickens in there.
And, boy, what a homely one in the middle.
I'd better check this out.
Sorry.
Like, no mail today.
How about that.
A talking mailbox.
What will they think of next? Anybody in there? Okay, I get the message.
Thanks, pal.
No hard feelings.
You got to get that diamond, Doc, or we'll all be bumped off.
-I'll try again.
Shake him up a little.
-A pleasure.
Okay.
Try it again, Doc.
Right.
I see something sparkling in there.
There it is.
The diamond was stuck behind the pastrami sandwich.
How are we gonna get it, Doc? Very simple.
We operate immediately.
Why, those.
They're gonna open Benny like he was a safe.
And they're doing it the hard way, without the combination.
They can't do that to our little pal.
We gotta stop them.
Are you kidding? Those guys are gangsters.
-Yeah, hoods.
-Like, gunsville, man.
What's the matter with you guys? What, are you scared? -Yeah! -All right, that makes it unanimous.
So we'll beat them at their own game.
We'll fight fire with fire.
-Yeah, that's the spirit.
-Like, we'll show them ! -What's the plan? -Plan? Stop nagging me, will you? Give me some time to think of something.
Let's see, now.
Think, think.
I got it, fellas! I got it! This is so exciting.
I've always wanted to be a nurse.
-Tell me when to get the Band-Aids, Doc.
-All right.
Is the patient ready? -Yeah, Doc.
He's all set.
-Good.
Then we start.
But I ain't got no Blue Cross.
And the doc ain't got no license.
So, we're even.
-I knew I forgot something.
-What's wrong, Doc? -I forgot the anesthetic.
-Good.
Can I go home now? Never mind, I'll try this.
It works just as good.
Okay, let's get started before Big Gus gets here.
-Who's that? -It must be Big Gus.
Entrez-vous, darling.
All right, where's the ice? -Who are you guys? -Who are we? -We are the Unscratchables.
-The Unscratchables? I never heard of you.
Okay, punk, you're asking for it.
Down, Killer.
Wait for the signal.
That was a close call for you, buster.
Killer has very sensitive feelings.
Now hand over the ice.
I'm supposed to give it to Big Gus.
Didn't you hear? Gus was picked up for jaywalking and he sent us over for the rock.
Yeah? Well, how do I know you guys are on the level? I'm getting tired of your lip, sonny.
-Learn him, Spook.
-Like, right, boss.
Just to show you you're not fooling around with kids.
Boy, am I glad to see you, T.
C.
-Do you know him? -Sure, we've been pals for years.
We were even thrown out of the same Boy Scout troop.
Right, it was the only way to meet the Girl Scouts.
Now let's have the ice before I turn Killer loose.
Let me at him, boss.
Hold it.
I ain't got the diamond.
Your pal swallowed it.
Okay, wrap him up.
I'll take him instead.
Big Gus ain't gonna like that.
Big Gus.
Is that all you guys can talk about? He's finished, see? A has-been.
And when I run into him, I'll-- -You'll what? -Big Gus! -Who are these bums, Mugsy? -They're the Unscratchables.
The Unscratchables? I never heard of them.
You sent them over to pick up the Hopeless Diamond, Big Gus.
Did you say Big Gus? Oh, my, we've made an awful mistake.
We're really looking for Big Ben.
-Big Ben? -Yes, Big Ben.
This is London, isn't it? What kind of social secretary are you, Spook? I distinctly said, "Big Ben in London" not "Big Gus in the Catskills.
" I'm, like, repentant, boss.
So sorry, Gus, but you know how it is with this hoodlum shortage.
You have to take anybody you can get.
Now I remember you.
You're the guy in the trashcan.
You're a phony! -All right, Killer.
Let him have it.
-Right, boss.
Okay.
Make one move, wise guy, and I'll plug you.
-Quick, Spook.
The light! -Got you, T.
C.
Choo Choo, untie Benny and let's scram ! All right, everybody.
Into the car.
Go! After them.
Don't let those mugs get away.
-Here they come, T.
C.
-And away we go.
They're gaining on us, T.
C.
We're going as fast as we can.
Any volunteers to lighten the load? -What'll we do, T.
C.
? -We'll get some police protection.
How? There's not a cop in sight.
That's what you think.
There's always one behind a billboard.
Fasten your seat belts.
What are you, some kind of nuts? You'll get 20 years for this! Boss, look, they got a police escort.
Turn around, quick.
Back to the hideout.
Honest, Officer.
We were being followed.
Sure you were.
You'll die when you hear the fine.
I ain't worried.
My boss will pay for it.
He's the one that was following me.
-And he went that way.
-And who's your boss? I don't like to be a name-dropper.
You've probably never heard of him.
Big Gus.
-Big Gus? The gangster? -Do you know him? Come to think of it, I did hear he was wanted by the police.
And how.
Naturally, there'd be a promotion for the lucky guy that brought him in.
TV appearances, fame, perhaps even a new motorcycle.
Come on, you're all coming with me to the station.
Just a minute now.
Let's see if I got this story straight.
Big Gus stole a pastrami sandwich and this officer swallowed the Hopeless Diamond, right? You're warm, sir, but not quite.
My little round friend here swallowed the jewel.
And Big Gus is hiding out because he stole the diamond.
If Big Gus stole the diamond, what's in fatso's stomach? Listen to this, sir.
What does it sound like to you, Your Honor? It sounds like a pastrami sandwich and a hard-boiled egg with lots of pepper.
But we can't afford to overlook any leads on Big Gus.
We'll send a squad car after them.
Extra ! Big Gus captured by police! Hopeless diamond recovered! Extra ! But the diamond is in your possession, Mr.
Stiffany.
At least you can give me part of the reward.
I've already told you, not one penny until the diamond is recovered.
-But it is recovered.
-I mean, fully recovered.
I can't show this to a customer.
Hiya, Benny boy.
How's the rock? Comme ci comme ca.
Man, like, what a crazy setting.
-We brought you a little lunch.
Here.
-My favorite snack.
A pastrami sandwich and a hard-boiled egg with lots of pepper.
Gee, thanks, T.
C.
Sorry, visiting time is over.
We can't take chances, you know.
Talk about heroes.
That kid's got it here.
Why don't we buy him a watch? Now, if we had a small part of that reward, say $2,000-- Not until the stone is in the window.
Well, if that's your attitude.
I wonder if that doc is still willing to operate.
Stand back, everybody! Anything can happen when Benny sneezes! -My diamond! Grab it! -I got it! After it! It bounced out of the door.
Hold it.
Oh, no! Look at this way, Mr.
Stiffany.
It saves you the price of a cutter.
Just think of it.
Hundreds of lovely little engagement rings to make female hearts beat faster.
Here you are, sir, with my compliments.
And forget the reward.
You know something, fellas? There's nothing worse than seeing a grown man cry.
It kind of turns you inside out.
I can't stand it.
Come on, let's go shoot some pool.
-You know, T.
C, you're all heart.
-Yeah, I know.