Top Gear (2002) s02e05 Episode Script

Clarkson Doesn't Hate a 911

Tonight: a man-sized blast from the past.
RenauIt's V6 rocket in your pocket.
And which takes longer to change - a gearbox or a woman's outfit? Hello.
The show tonight is about blokeishness - we won't ask directions or read instructions.
We have a sound recordist who came to a shoot with his car stoved in.
He'd been on the M6 in a queue of slow moving traffic, bored.
He wondered if it would be possible to drive with your legs crossed.
No woman would ever do that! The same with under and oversteer.
A girl doesn't ask the difference.
But we've had letters from blokes asking.
Over to Richard's science corner.
It's simple.
Understeer is this.
You drive, turn the wheel, the car goes on, crashes into a tree - you die.
Oversteer works like this.
You drive, turn the wheel, the back comes round like this, you crash into a tree, and die.
Oversteer is best, cos you don't see the tree that kills you.
I understand that.
Front-wheel drive cars understeer, real-wheel drive cars oversteer.
But with one car, you never knew what it would do.
The Porsche 911.
Unlike a Ferrari, the engine's not in the middle, but in the back.
It upsets the balance.
It's like a horse pushing a cart.
It's called a 911 so the Americans would know what to dial when they crashed.
They would crash - it's a scary car.
The scariest model is the Turbo.
A woman would have moved the engine, but as Porsche's run by men, they've spent the last 40 years trying to work their way round it.
They've done it.
The Turbo has four-wheel drive, and the best chassis of any car.
The engine is at the back, pressing down like a big lump on the rear wheels, so you get tons of grip, and tons and tons of traction.
MUSIC: "Hate To Say I Told You So" by The Hives I said a couple of years ago that this car's better than a Ferrari 355.
It's wonderful.
Amazing car.
It's sorted.
What? That's not the end.
We've seen enough.
I'm confident Who'd like to see what happens? ALL: Yes! Roll it.
Slightly? "I slightly fell off a ladder.
" When you're driving a Ferrari or a Lamborghini, they say, "I'll kill you, I'll turn the knife round.
" With the 911 Turbo, it lulls you into a false sense of security.
It's a circus lion - "It jumps through hoops, it's docile.
" It's still a lion! It's still a 420bhp supercar! You've got to be superhuman to get the best out of it.
I'm not.
Luckily, I know a man who is.
Off the line, and the Porsche spins its wheels - it really is wet out there.
Will the Hammerhead defeat the Porsche's huge grip? Yes - he's sideways.
The rain's doing it no favours.
Ooh! Squirming under braking there.
He's already five seconds down on the Zonda's time.
He'll struggle to make that up.
Into the follow-through, a dab of brakes He's now where the Zonda lapped him He won't match it in this weather.
Across the line in One minute 31.
Where does that go? Here.
There, above the M3.
If you take four seconds off, to give a dry time, that's 1 min 27.
Faster than the Murcielago.
Great, if you know what you're doing.
And now there's a version for those who don't.
This is the diet 911 Turbo.
It's the one cal, low fat version they call the C4S.
It looks the same as a Turbo - flared wheel arches and spoilers.
It has the same chassis, four-wheel drive, brakes and sports suspension.
It even has the same flat six Exceptthere's no turbo.
ENGINE ROARS This, then, is an ordinary 911.
A plain and simple Carrera 4, in a He-Man suit.
You know what this is? It's the Porsche neo-Georgian house.
All the looks, but without the 18th century killer plumbing.
It's fine.
If you like that sort of thing.
Ha ha! It's interesting.
The engine sounds at its best when you go 14mph.
Town speed.
Posing speed.
People are looking.
Out in the countryside, you build up speed, and it settles down.
By losing the turbo, the brake horsepower falls from 420 to 320.
So it's still a fast car - A top speed of 174.
It's not scary fast.
It's not like going to the pub with a murderer.
You're not thinking, "This is fun, but soon I will be dead.
" There's another advantage.
The Turbo costs £88,000.
This is £63,000.
That's a saving of £25,000.
But I don't know.
I mean, yes, it's a wonderful car, no doubt, and it's a Porsche.
Do 100,000 miles and it won't go wrong, even in snow or drizzle.
I respect its abilities.
But if you can have those abilities in a Carrera 4 for £60,000, why pay more for a fake? Earlier, we launched a search for Britain's biggest car bore.
We got some letters which were good.
One of them was simply outstanding.
This is Robert Lim.
This is his Sierra, and his house.
Standard stuff.
There's a living room, kitchen, the usual stuff.
Bread bin.
That's odd.
As you do.
MUSIC: "Neighbourhood" by Space Robert, I've got to ask.
Why is it in the kitchen? I designed it there.
I sketched it out on cardboard on the floor.
Metal was laid on that.
A few bits got welded.
One thing led to another.
What is it? sprints, hill climbs and speed records.
It's serious kit.
Not a kit car.
Does it work? Shall I show you? Go on.
There's a degree of fire hazard.
I have a fire extinguisher.
Take the safety wedge out.
Yeah, that's just squeezing through.
You blow it through? Yep.
I'll hold the I'll stand over here.
How often do you fire it up? Not that often.
Because of the potential for something peculiar.
Peculiar? Right.
But I've got the safety wedge out.
If it catches fire, spray it at the carburettor.
That's full of water, too.
A kettle.
ENGINE STARTS AND ROARS That's fantastic! It blew a piece of the skirting board off! The exhaust blew it off the wall.
It's running rich.
Close to your fire.
I turned the gas off at the mains.
Beautiful neighbourhood It doesn't end there.
This is a kitchen.
This is a kitchen door.
This is a car.
Kitchen door - car.
You can see where this is going, can't you? It won't go out of the kitchen door.
Is he going to take the car apart? No.
That was perfect! Did you know it wouldn't come out? When you're past a certain stage, you get a momentum.
There's always distractions.
You work in the back as a hobby, to take your mind off work.
You justafter a few years of doing it Like a jigsaw puzzle.
But bigger.
What was it like working there? Good working conditions.
Warm and dry, the house.
Could someone stand on the ramp? Is there any danger? Er no.
Is there any danger? LAUGHTER 'And so there it is.
'Free at last, and ready to go racing.
' So did he know the car would never come out of the kitchen? No, not when he started.
He got partway through, and then he realised it wasn't going to go out, but he carried on.
It was a warm place to work, and he liked it.
No wife involved? There was, but unlike the car, the wife did fit through the door! LAUGHTER This programme is mostly about blokes, but our guest isn't one.
She's Britain's second richest ginger-haired Liverpudlian woman.
Ladies and gentlemen, Anne Robinson! CHEERING Hi Anne, how are you? Are you well? Have a seat.
I will.
I hope the person who worked out my wealth didn't do the lap timings.
Why? Are you claiming that Cilla I'm just saying I hope the person who worked out that I was second Well, she has just bought a Ferrari.
Mind you, it wouldn't go with her hair.
Orange hair with a red car.
I'd never buy a red car.
Not you! Don't you think anyone who's ever owned a red Ferrari is a plonker? Do you know, I don't, actually.
You wouldn't dream of it, would you? I wouldn't dream of it! No.
Now, if you're so rich as you claim to be, why do you have such a crummy car? Do I have a crummy car? You have a Mercedes SL500.
No, no.
Jeremy, I'm sorry, but that is Penrose's car.
Your husband's.
And you're going to get into one of these conversations cos you've got The superior model.
So what you're saying is, our car has a smaller penis than your car.
Tell me this APPLAUSE Yeah? Don't you find the really joyful thing about both the cars isyou know when you're stuck in a traffic jam? Mmm.
Isn't it fun to watch telly? I haven't had the television put in.
Oh, you don't have a television! No.
But mine's so fast, I can get home in time to watch the programme.
You bought the wrong car.
I didn't buy it.
Well, your husband is he here? Yes.
Where is he? Penrose! LAUGHTER There he is at the back.
You bought the wrong car! What do you think of blokes who go on about cars? I can't understand.
It's like women discussing nail polish.
It doesn't matter.
You just get in a car and drive it! That's all there is to be said.
You watch TV in your car.
We've got these books here.
Road Vehicle Aerodynamic Design, by RH Barnard.
I presume that's not Rebecca Barnard, is it? This is another one from my library.
This is my favourite book.
How To Rebuild Big-Block Chevy Engines.
This isn't what you'd have in your house.
Penrose has to cover what I call Penrose porn, which is the car magazines.
"Penrose porn"! If he brought home Big-Block Chevy Engines, I'd have to readjust his medication! What, his Chateauneuf-du-Pape? Yes.
Let's test out your bloke-iness.
Do you ever ask for directions? We've got sat nav now.
But I would.
Any men here today? A few.
Has any man here ever asked for directions? That's a silly question.
Why do you think we don't? I think you can't bear to let us think What Penrose does is keep pretending he knows where we're going.
That's what it is.
And if you've got the map on your knee, and you tell him where to go, he makes a decision without seeing the map! Just out of nowhere.
And it gets worse.
We've now got sat nav in most of our cars.
And LAUGHTER Was that a silly thing to say? "In most of our cars"! You know we call her Audrey Hepburn? Who? Oh, the woman The sat nav.
We were in Dijon last week, and we'd never been to Dijon before, so Penrose can't possibly know anything about Dijon! We get to a roundabout, and she says, "Take the second turning on the left.
" And he says, "It's the first one.
" LAUGHTER You do read about the difference between men and women on the road.
Apparently, men are distracted by girls on pavements 42 times a week.
Girls are only distracted 17 times.
They haven't counted the number of times girls look at shoe shops! in a car, but only 20% of women do.
Men think a car is four times more important than women do for pulling, attracting a member of the opposite sex.
Do you agree? No.
No, because actually, what guys never get the hang of I mean, what guys should do if they want to pull is go out with a guy who is very talkative, very showy, very flash, and say nothing.
That's how to pull a girl.
That explains everything for my friends.
So actually, the car should be very understated.
Really? Yeah.
Dirty, understated, preferably with a dog in the back.
That's an attractive proposition? Very attractive.
Tell us what you think of these cars.
Is this an attractive sight? Good-looking guy That's a guy without a girlfriend, isn't it? Yes.
I'd agree with you.
So you're not a fan of that sort of thing? No.
Not if they're over 18.
LAUGHTER That won't do, chaps.
Let's see the next.
I quite like that.
That's an Audi 4 Quattro Coupe, isn't it? TT.
Well, don't be picky with me! I do actually quite like that.
I think that's quite cool.
It's not cool on our cool wall.
But I know what I'm talking about.
LAUGHTER I'll be sure to move it later on.
Now, that's a Mazda MX5.
It is.
It's his sister's, I bet! LAUGHTER A bit of a girly car, we think.
Not a bit of.
Completely, utterly Girly.
Not even a hairdresser's car, it's her receptionist's! Have we got any more cars? There we go.
That's a Jeep Wrangler.
Attractive? It's OK.
It's a good run-around in the country.
Er, no.
Isn't it? No, they're shocking.
No good in the snow or anything? Well, it's better than cycling, but, you know.
Obviously, you're not just here to discuss this.
You're here to see how fast you can drive our reasonably-priced car round the track.
How do you think you did? We've got Harry Enfield at the bottom, and Jay Kay here.
I'd be very pleased if I beat Boris.
Boris Johnson, at one minute 56.
Shall we find out? Let's have a look.
Now, that's a racing start! I've got to be faster than Harry.
I've done that again.
Not that you're a determined person! I've got to put my foot down.
Over, over, over, over, over, over, over, over, over.
Over what? Just what he told me! ANNE LAUGHS IN STUDIO A bit too tight, I'd suggest, but APPLAUSE Who'd like to know how fast that was? I would! You think most big celebs won't care, but you can see that they do.
You wanted to beat Boris at 1.
You did it in one minute and 57 seconds.
Oh! Just! I didn't beat Boris.
I'm really down the bottom! You were only a second off Boris's time.
Yeah, but Michael Gambon? Michael Gambon's a lunatic! He's a maniac! He's the maddest driver I've seen! I want to go round again now.
You're welcome to go out again.
Jamie Oliver? I've done so badly! You haven't! I have! I'm third bottom! Well, that's coswe've been doing the series for about 15 weeks Don't placate me! I've done really badly.
These are people who are Ross Kemp, for goodness' sake! I'll never live this down.
I can't go back to Gloucestershire.
Ross Kemp's not in Gloucestershire.
He's down the East End, beating geezers up! He wants to come back.
But these, like Gordon Ramsay, are mad keen car petrolheads! Right.
So I think that was a very good time.
Why are you being nice to me? Because you're lovely and I adore you.
Thank you for coming.
Ladies and gentlemen, Annie Robinson! The news.
We're feeling remiss this week.
We like to think we're across what's happening and out of the blue, Ford introduce a new Mondeo.
Who'd like to see it? Yeah.
Here it is.
That's the old one.
No, that's the new Mondeo.
It's got 1,500 new parts.
I bet they're the same shape as the old parts.
It's got a new radio.
It has.
There's hundreds of bits in that.
There's 1,500 parts in a radio! Here's news about a new system to help protect car drivers from road rage attack.
It's a personal attack warning system.
If you hit the button, it activates a 125 decibel siren, people will notice! Causes the hazard lights to flash and has a loud voice saying, "Help! Driver under attack, call the police.
" What interests me is What car's this for? It's Honda and if any car is going to cause road rage, it's the old biffers driving in Hondas! It should say, "Driver in a Honda! " Stay away! They also give us top tips for avoiding road rage! One - don't buy a Honda.
Don't drive so damn slowly! I want to see the top tips from Honda on how to avoid road rage.
"Acknowledge a mistake if you make one with a wave, or say sorry.
" I wave.
I make lots of hand signals at Hondas.
"Don't lose your temper.
" "Do not rise to any challenges.
" Like a duel? En garde! Your driving's angered me, I demand satisfaction! I've got something interesting.
I've been looking at cars with folding metal rooves, like Ford.
This is the first one, the Peugeot 307.
Look at this, it's fantastic.
It's very pretty.
I'm not sure when it comes out or its price.
The other one is the Renault Megane, which not only has a folding roof, the middle bit is glass.
The one that interests me is this, the Daihatsu Copen from Japan - a 600cc engine, it'll cost £12,000.
Even this, apparently, has a metal folding roof.
Can we fold the roof, please? It's noisy.
This is another example of the Japanese taking a European idea and making it smaller.
Those hours spent on origami weren't wasted! Look at that! A couple of weeks ago, we had the Ford Street Ka on and you said a bloke couldn't drive it.
There aren't any men in here to ask, but anytay.
I'm going to do a little experiment.
We've got Sarah in the car and she looks unutterably gorgeous.
I'm going to have to ask you to get out.
And I want a bloke, a good-looking bloke.
You, sir.
I want you to get in there and see what this car does for your manhood.
It's not looking promising.
What do you think? He was fine till the door slammed, now he looks like a berk.
I don't think a man could drive it.
I think it's all of these folding convertibles.
You know the Peugeot 206CC? I actually sometimes think blokes can't have convertibles.
Any? No, I've got one.
I came out the other day and it was sunny, I thought, "I can't get the roof down, I'm a middle-aged man.
"What message am I giving out?" Blokes can't have convertibles.
I have to stop you.
I hate to interrupt, but this is the biggest load of limp-wristed twaddle I've heard in my five weeks of TV.
These two These two are not men, OK? This one, every morning sticks his head in a bucket of hair gel.
He's got a dog, but it's a poodle.
And you won't drink brown beer.
This man said, "Flatulence isn't funny.
" When it is.
That's true.
I'm actually the only bloke on this show.
I live in a house full of bikes.
I think a bloke can drive a convertible, if it's the right one.
Look at this f ing weather! Actually, it's a perfect day for a British sports car and I've been waiting 30 years for this moment.
Triumph TR6! At last! It's fantastic! When I was a boy and other boys were wondering how girls worked, I'd lie awake thinking about the Triumph TR6.
What's wrong with that? I think this is the blokiest bloke's car ever built.
I've seen women driving Ferraris, Aston Martins and MGBs and just about any sports car you care to mention.
But I have never ever seen a woman driving a TR6.
The TR6 is rather gender specific.
And I expect women are angry about that as well.
But let me explain.
Before the TR6, Triumph sports cars had always looked a bit feminine with soft curves and hips.
But this one is different.
There's a good reason for that.
Triumphs were designed by an Italian bloke called Michelotti.
But when it was time to do the TR6, he was too busy.
So they gave the job to some Germans.
The German word for nipple is Brustwarze - "breast wart".
Here is a nation that may be relied upon to produce a man's car.
What a square head.
Look at it.
Blunt at both ends, thickset.
If this car went to the lavatory, it would leave the seat up.
Look at the engine.
There aren't any colour-coded filler caps to stop me putting oil in the radiator.
It's a proper sports car engine, made so that blokes can own tool kits.
There isn't an ounce of womanhood anythere on this thing, except the wheels - like the front of a washing machine apparently.
Good job they didn't give it to a Frenchman, eh? We'd all have handbags by now.
Well, we'll have no handbaggery here, thank you.
You can't mince around in this Iike you do in a small hatchback.
Once you get behind the wheel of a TR6, you realise that we chaps have been horribly misled.
Look at this lot driving executive saloons.
Is this what we want? Suddenly, I can see modern manhood for what it is.
I can't believe it's taken me so long to work it out.
Come on, chaps, throw away your grooming products, get out of the post-feminist society, this is what you want.
'What a road! 'What a car! What a day! ' 'Oh, God, have I left the iron on? ' The day after I drove this, I bought a copy of AutoTrader, Iocked myself in the toilet, and tried to find one for sale.
Great game.
You have a subscription.
Did you give yourself a budget? Yes.
Rather too small, as it turned out.
Why? How much? I thought five or six grand.
But for a really good one, you're looking at ten or 11, and for one that's new, who knows.
Yeah, but it's bloketastic and I think it's got a lot of style.
Time for some Top Gear science.
We wanted to know if a bunch of blokes - the Ford rally team - could change most of the mechanical components on their car in less time than it takes a group of women to get ready.
So here we are at Ford Rally's HQ.
This is what they're going to be changing on the rally car.
We have the drive shafts - linkage, suspension, springs, dampers.
And we've got the hub assemblies, the break discs, the gearbox, the front differential, all the stuff to hold the wheel on, in fact, pretty much everything to makes the wheels go round and stop.
These are the Pirelli girls.
Their mission is to get ready for a big night out.
This is not a race.
The guys are going to do the work at the pace they would under rally conditions, and the girls will do whatever they do at their normal speed.
And neither side knows how long the other side is likely to take.
So this is properly scientific.
If everybody's ready - on you go.
Go! Commence.
Look, that's the front.
That's the back.
It ties up.
Oh, yeah and you've got two side bits on there.
With five minutes gone, the brake discs have already been removed, as have the callipers, suspension uprights and compression struts.
The girls aren't finished with that dress.
That's like an inch ruched.
It's severely ruched.
What does it do? There's about an hour or so deciding on the outfit, and then there's a shoe consultation.
I still don't know.
What do you think? Uh Out comes the gearbox.
And in goes the new gearbox.
Yeah, boot.
The men work in a disciplined silence.
The girls don't.
This is it.
This is very important.
Taxi - this shoe is good, walking - this shoe is very bad.
They have been talking for seven and a half minutes.
without a single fact or piece of information being exchanged or imparted.
have changed the clutch, re-mounted the gearbox, replaced the drive shafts, the differentials and they're hard at work refitting the brakes.
Back with the girls.
Put Natalie Imbruglia on.
Look - a place for everything and everything in its place.
That's yours.
Where's mine? There.
I've got make-up all over my hands.
Where's yours? That IS mine.
No, that's not mine.
and an eyelash goes on.
and the rally team has finished.
Remember, that's all of the suspension, all of the brakes, the gearbox, the differentials and the clutch and as for the girls That goes round Doesn't that bit hurt? Well, you see Don't know.
ALL TALK AT ONCE APPLAUSE AND CHEERING So the rally team got the car changed in? 27 minutes.
27 minutes.
And the women? Dunno.
Got bored, we left.
We packed everything, off, still going - talking, things like that.
I don't think men and women should be allowed to go out together.
Men should go out with men.
You're making me nervous! Renault Clio.
The epitome of Euro chic.
Coco Chanel would drive one of these if she weren't dead.
LAUGHTER It's cheap to run, cheap to buy and has a good safety record.
But a new version is none of those things.
ENGINE PURRS Oh, listen to that! ENGINE PURRS Oh, that's fantastic.
Have you ever seen such an amazingly funky little car? And there's so much power.
And grip! Grip's unbelievable.
OK, let me show you.
Up to 4,000rpm.
Dump the clutch.
ENGINE REVS No wheel spin at all.
That's how much traction you've got.
It catapults you into a world of G-force and noise.
Imagine watching the entire French air force crash into a fireworks factory.
That's how much of a laugh this car is.
So how have they turned a frothy cappuccino into a pint of super strong espresso? Well, part of the secret is to be found under the bonnet.
In a normal Clio, this is where you'd expect to find the engine.
But in this, they've fitted a carry cot for your baby.
You can't put your children on the back seats because there aren't any.
All the space is taken up with the enormous 3-litre V6 engine.
So, what about the boot? Well, that's only big enough for a kipper.
If, therefore, you have some shopping, what I suggest you do is, um throw it away.
This is such a bloke's car.
You start with a sensible hatchback, then fill it full of engine.
And who cares that you have to put the baby under the bonnet? There are some other drawbacks, like, for instance, the lever to adjust the seat is down here.
Only proctologists can reach it.
And I'm not one.
It's the least manoeuvrable car on the road.
Oil tanker captains have said their ships have the same turning circles.
Life in this is a never-ending stream of three-point turns.
Then there's the equipment.
You get an airbag, air-conditioning and a cabin full ofair.
It's not much, really, for £27,000.
However, this is as mid-engined as a supercar.
It sounds like a supercar.
It goes like a supercar.
So, on that basis, it becomes the bargain of the century.
It'll do 155mph and out-accelerate the Porsche C4S that we looked at earlier.
I think it's fantastic.
But there is one more test needed.
Renault has put big engines in the back of little hatchbacks for years.
They did it with the Renault 5 and with the first Clio.
Both cars had a reputation for being savage beyond the limit.
They just used to spin.
To find out if this one is better, I've got to go out there and drive round corners much too quickly.
Time, therefore, to take one of my special "brave pills".
HE GULPS Ah! Right.
ENGINE ACCELERATES We know it has high levels of grip, but what happens if you exceed them? Lord! You get plenty of understeer to remind you you're near the limit.
It's OK, I've had my brave pills! And anything else you got too TYRES SCREECH Oh, dear! Mind if it seems like I'm acting cool I think the problem is it's French.
It's a surrender monkey.
Oh! Here we go again! Ah.
You see, if you show it a difficult corner it gives in.
Sits in a cloud of its own smoke, hands up.
Well you don't have to say you love me, baby IN FRENCH ACCENT: I want to go home and make love and make cheese.
That's what I like doing, cos I'm French! That is just such a good-looking car.
I drove the original and people in Ferraris stopped to look at it.
It's a Renault Clio.
They wondered why it took 66 bites at the Low's Hairpin.
The turning circle! It spoils the glamour! This handling thing - you notice it on a track, but on a road, it has so much grip, you'll never notice.
In my perfect ten-car garage - I think all men have one - you do? Do you wanna know? Not now.
In that garage I'd have one of these.
What impresses me is you found that limit and you went beyond it.
It survived.
The old one didn't.
I broke one.
I broke several.
Everyone has.
This survived and that's impressive.
It more than survived - most cars on the track normally go home in a Hoover bag - swept home.
Not a single thing went wrong.
Didn't even wear its tyres out.
But, before it gets the complete clean bill of health, one more test.
Mesdames et Messieurs, bienvenue dans la pluie - Le Stig! This should be interesting.
The Clio has so much grip, but the track today, frankly, doesn't - it's soaking.
Oh no, the Stig's gone all mullety! Looking fast up to Chicago.
Ooh no, he's sliding! To get it back he'll have to be a genius - which he is.
Now, the Hammerhead.
Mid-engined Clio should hang on well.
It is.
That looks very quick.
First sector though! Above the Aston Martin Vanquish! That has an extra 200bhp! Come on Stiggy! Into the penultimate corner! Keeps it tidy! He's sideways, he's sideways! He's lost it! APPLAUSE Richard is rather hoping it isn't a time up here.
Are you taking the mickey with the new board? The new tall board.
He did it in 1m36.
That's not bad.
Not bad?! It's exactly the same time as the Aston Martin Vanquish.
The Stig said, "I'll get it faster.
" He kept going out, "I can get into the 35s, I know I can!" He likes it.
Who'd like to see what happened when he really pushed it? Let's see.
TYRES SCREECH AUDIENCE: Ooh! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Good old Stiggy! APPLAUSE He is clinically insane.
But luckily he survived.
Good night.