Top Gear (2002) s09e02 Episode Script


TransGear subtitle team The Sim-Race Federation of China transcription: catchup, RS4, bitcars check: catchup, RS4, bitcars, ferengi, Z102, angel timeline: bitcars, catchup Tonight Hugh Grant stars in our reasonably-priced car and is the new Audi TT any good? We find out by playing golf.
Hello and welcome! Thank you for that! Thank you.
Now Now as I'm sure you know As I'm sure you know, James May is the slowest man in the entire world By the time he sets off anywhere normally his hair has grown another inch.
So, plainly, He was the ideal man to try and max the fastest car in the world.
"Vlad the impaler" is back.
Last year, the mighty Bugatti Veyron starred in our greatest Top Gear Challenge ever when it raced an air-plane across the continent.
In that film, Jeremy talked endlessly about the Veyron's ferocious power, and its incredible top speed.
But because he was on public road he had to stick to the speed limit.
But today, we're not going to talk about it.
We are going to do it.
We're going to take the fastest production car in the world up to its top speed.
That top speed is 253 mph.
Much faster than a formular 1 car.
and when you think that the Veyron has air-bags, air-conditioning, a stereo, a boot and all the other stuff F1 cars aren't burdened with You realize what an increadible machine this is! The Veyron is about pushing the outside of the envelope It's about doing things that people said just were not possible This car is a sort of "Concord" moment.
Getting cars to do 155 mph frankly isn't really very difficult.
the Veyron needs just a piffling 270 bhp to reach that speed.
But 253! Crikey! the faster you go, the more Mother Nature tries to hold you back So to do the next 100 mph the 100 mhp that takes you up to 250 needs another 730 Bhp.
So what you end up with is a 16-cylinder engine with 4 turbo chargers producing 1001 horse power.
and a lot of heat.
That's why your car has 1 radiator and this car has 10.
The engineers really worried uncharted territory in this car.
Here is an example, when they wanted to sort out the high speed dynamics They went to the Sauber F1 Team and they said "Do you mind awfully if we use your wind tunnel?" and they said "Terribly sorry, but we don't go up to those speeds" In fact, cracking 253 mph cause nighimare after nightmaire.
But Bugatti insist that this 850,000 pound car can do it.
Mind you, actually testing their bold claim is a bit of a palaver.
This is Ehra-Lessien Volkswagon's maximum security test track in Germany When it was built during the cold war It was delibrately sited in a no fly zone near the east German border in order to stop prying eyes from seeing secret prototypes It has over 16 miles of private track.
But the bit we are interested in is the main straight, which is a whopping 5.
5 miles long.
Although it is technically a flat and level road.
You stand here, you can't actually see the other end and that's because it's following the curvature of the earth.
But even when you've sorted the venue you can't just jump in the car and go.
This is Germany, there are procedures to go through.
I like procedures You have to insert a special key into a slot by the door.
And when you do, the diffuser flaps close.
the rear spoiler retracts and the whole car hunkers down to became as slippery as possible The telemetry box we're using to record the speed measures in kilometers an hours.
So the magic number we are looking for is 407 Right ladies and gentleman Here we go.
I'm approaching the banking on the top of the circuit I have to do this in 200 kph That's about 120 Round the banking look for my acceleration point then give it the beans down the straight To get the car settled fourth gear 5000 revs Looking for the exit where I bury it.
Here we go! The climb from 200 to 300 kph was over in just 9.
4 seconds The world, viewers, is a total blur! I'm already doing 330 Kph Going too quick, I can't do the math.
Gettng up to about 350 Captain Slow is doing 360 kph 370 That's 230 miles per hour.
I was now leaving F1 cars behind It's no wonder Micheal Schumacher retired.
He's slower than me! At this sort of speed this engine is sucking in as much air in a minute as I breathe in four days Getting close to the maximum which means the tires would only last for about 15 minutes But it's OK Because the fuel runs out in 12 minutes This is a road car and I'm getting up to 404 Come on give me one more! Come on I need one more, one more! I'm covering a football pitch every second That I'm pretty confident that's as fast as I'm ever gonna go in a car.
Increadible That is it's made my eyes water.
I am impressed, James OK.
thing is though, OK.
You know when you take a Ferrari or a Lamborghini or particularly a Koenigzegg to its top speed - No.
- No, actually you wouldn't But anyway, when you do They fizz they buzz They feels like all the body panels are peeling away 'cause you're right on the edge of what's physically and technically possible.
Really? I didn't get any of that with this.
To be honest, the only thing I've got was at the end of the straight I had to touch the breaks, so you see the spoiler come up slowing down.
You got a sort of And that's it? Yeah, just So it's kind of safe and relaxing even at 250 miles an hour Absolutely, yeah.
It's totally undramatic.
But I would give you a bit of warning which is a bit disorientating doing that sort of speed.
'Cause, after I come off the banking I was slowing down to stop You know how you get a bit impatient, you think "I'll just open the door" Fortunately I looked back at the speedo and I was still doing 70 Umm.
OK, so.
We've established that this is faster across Europe than - your light ari-craft - Yepp.
We've established that it realy will do 250 mph But we've never been able to find out how fast it'll go round our track Now the problem is Bugatti are happy for us to have one here.
They are happy for you to go and do that.
But they won't lend the Stig one.
So really, this is an appeal.
If you've got a Veyron and you'd like to lend it to us.
We're prepared to pay anything up to 30 pounds And now the news and we start off with the Porsche Cayenne because they've revised it and come out with a new one It's got new prices, new bits and pieces, new engines, But the most important thing of course about a Cayenne is it's never been the best-looking car, is it? No, not even slightly.
Well, we can only assume that this new one still isn't exactly the best-looking car because well, here is the official photograph that Porsche sent out for us.
I can hear the discussion of the photographer had actually with the director.
He said "Is the light good for you?" and he said "No, there is still is some.
" Yes, exactly.
Now, hey, you know that young Russian business kid who bought TVR a couple of years ago? Yeah.
Yeah, we've got a picture of him here at a business meeting - Oh, yeah, there he is - There Did he close down the factory in Blackpool and make everyone redundant.
Exactly, well, it turns out that all the TVR owners have decided that they're gonna throw a party for the workers who've all been made redundant.
The party dubbed fundable will include a buffet dinner, How much do I don't want to go to that? Err, bar disco and live band.
Wahl, a TVR band.
So they'll play presumably really loud really fast and then burst into flames.
Here's some news, you know the hot Renault Clio, there was a really fast one They've done a even hotter one, OK? It's call the R27 It's got a lower stiffer chassis.
We've got a photograph of it here, OK? Now, these are the four Renault formula 1 racing drivers, OK, for this year.
Now this chap, OK, the new one, He really likes this car, he is very excited by it.
He is very, very excited He is very pleased to see it, isn't he? Really pleased.
What I love as well, If you look around the other guys, who clearly spotted the problem.
Well, you could hardly miss it, could you.
They're all very embarrassed.
Don't look Well, you see this, Ok, I got this photograph from a French website.
The actually official photograph that was sent to it by Renault Let me show it to you.
Look, there's he, go and stand behind the car now.
- Look how embarrassing he is.
- But they are all racing drivers.
Couldn't they've lent a crash helmet to hold it in the appropriate way.
It was his crash helmet that caused the problem in the first place.
Leave it Err, oh, now News from the director of public prosecutions who I discovered in the paper this week he is called Can or something rather Not called Can.
Can is the name of a man you borrow a step ladder from Yeah.
Not the director of public prosecutions.
Can has announced that there is a whole raft of new motoring offences for which you can go to prison, OK? One of them is, retuning your radio.
- Oh, don't, it's stupid.
- What? Seriously But what if the Archers comes on? I can't listen to an episode of the Archers in the car without losing my temper and having a crash deliberately to end it? Can has decided that we'll have to tolerate these things, cause you're not allowed to retune a radio, you're also not allowed to put lipstick on.
Again, what But get this one.
You are not allowed now to be an undertaker.
What? I don't got it, an undertaker? You an undertaker? You're undertaker? You're going to prison.
Can says, Can says if you "undertake" someone, Oh, hang on.
Well, it's I've always had been a bit of beef about this.
because I reckon if you go pass someone on the inside, There was room to do that, there was room for them to have got out of the way in the first place.
It's wrong! They are the ones who should be prosecuted.
They can't find prisons to put pedophiles in.
But they're going to be putting him in it for being an undertaker.
It's ridiculous.
You know actually they can't find the pedophiles cause 300 have got missing.
I know where they are.
If you drive down the outside lane of the motorway now, not retune the radio at 50 miles an hour, OK? You are immune from prosecution, OK? So it's the ideal place to go if you're being looked for by the law.
So therefore anyone doing 50 in the outside lane of the motorway is a child molester.
Wahl, that's amazing.
You use logic, there.
That's incredible.
Argue with that.
Hey, now, can I just say, OK it's been a while since we sat here as a group as you know, so I thought it would be a good idea just to count through a few of the good cars and bad cars we've driven when we've been off air and I have to say, good cars for me, Lexus.
particularly, actually, the GS, the one in the middle I'm with you.
The hybrid one, mate No, no, this one, OK? This looks like a normal car.
The great thing is, OK, its batteries will only take you less than a mile which means most of the time you are on the V6, you know, you chewing fuel, you warming the world, and everybody is happy, OK? It's very quiet, it's very fast, it's very very comfortable.
And of course you can drive it to London, do U turns on Piccadilly all day long can't Livingston cop charge you a penny.
- Brilliant car there.
- It is a hybrid.
It's a properly brilliant car there.
I'm gonna put like a little 9 volt battery in a Hummer.
It's a hybrid.
I was very impressed if I maybe buy the Suzuki Swift Sport.
- I am.
- No, it's This is the most underrated It's not going over well mate, it's not going over well.
Before you all chime in, it's a small car, but, you know I'm not a big fan of the new Mini I've just It's too big and lump and all the rest of it That I think is the new Mini.
Try it, you'll be amazed.
It's brilliant that car.
That's an order from him.
Actually, to be honest, I quite like that as well.
I, I actually really did the Volvo C30.
I know, don't think I gone mad.
But it's a good looking car.
And you can get it with a 5 cylinder engine which is exactly the same one as in the Focus ST, the hot one.
Worst cars, no question for me.
One of the top 5 worst cars I've ever driven.
VW Golf GT.
No, seriously, it's got a supercharged and turbocharged engine, which is as smooth as falling down stairs while wearing leg calipers.
Basically if you tend to buy one of those, honestly, just work harder and buy the Golf GTI.
- There is a Top Gear top tip.
- Good advice.
I was pretty disappointed, I hate I have to say this a Bentley Arnage T, not the R which is brilliant.
This is a useful consumer advice for people in the north.
Well actually it is.
And I'm sorry it is.
Because the T has a bit more power and a bit more torque and it's just enough to spoil it.
If you stick with the R, which is the beautiful car, they cost 12,000 pounds less so you can buy a house.
For me, it was the Subaru Tribeca which is a MPV and technically it's not bad but it's hideous and it's a family car.
So my kids would too terrify to get in it.
Hating it.
it's not it's just it's hideous.
Hey, now, Jaguar have made a concept car.
Well, not another one.
It's why they never make any money, isn't it? because they just keep making concept cars all the time instead of just making cars that you can buy.
Well I know, they haven't understood that if you sell a car, you get money.
Anyway, this one, OK? They say, which I've got a picture of it here.
OK? They say, that's going to be the next S type.
It will be looking exactly the same as that.
Well, if that's true, that's fantastic news.
It looks brilliant.
I know.
It does.
I went to see it in the flesh the other day.
The designer was there and he said "I assure you, the S type will look exactly like that.
" If that car comes out like that, I'll cut my left leg off, beat myself to death with it.
- Really? - Yeah.
Do it.
Make it, just make it.
Now, if you're looking to spend between your choice just became a lot more complicated.
So, to see if we could help you out, the three of us have been to Scotland for a row.
These are the cars that have caused the problem.
There is the new Audi TT, the new Alfa Romeo Brera, and the not so new, but still quite interesting Mazda RX-8 So, let's start with the Audi.
Now I want to make it absolutely plain that I did not like the old TT.
Because all they did to make it was put a Golf in a pretty front.
That's like putting a cow in a track suit.
Still not gonna win any running races.
With this new one though, they really have gone to towns.
It's longer, wider and more aggressive than the old model.
And even though this is the baby of the range, it's more technical as well.
Take the body for example, from here back, it's steel, from here forwards, it's aluminum.
And that not only makes the car lighter, it's actually 9 stone less than the old TT, it also improves weight distribution.
Then there is the suspension, the fluid in the shock absorber has got iron filings in it, then round the outside there is a magnet, turn the magnet on, your iron filings move about, everything becomes firmer.
And how much do you not want to go on a holiday with a man who thought of that.
The upshot is, this is no longer a cow in a track suit.
It's a cow GTI in racing overall.
The steering in the old car was numb, in this, it feels connected.
The ride in the old car was as comfortable as falling down a flight of stairs, in this, it's smooth when the iron filings are dormant and then when you push the switch to turn the magnets on it becomes racing car sharp.
This is not a car for taking your hair to the hair dresses any more, this is a car for making your hair stand on end it's a proper sports car.
Rubbish! What you want is one of these.
This is the new Alfa Romeo Brera.
It's a brilliant car.
On the face of it, the Alfa is exactly like the TT.
They are both four-seat coupes, they've both got four-cylinder engines, they've both got six-speed gearboxes, they both cost around 24,000 pounds, and they'll both also be available with But actually, this is not like a TT at all.
Now we've said this time and again on Top Gear You can not consider yourself a true petrolhead until you've owned an Alfa Romeo.
They're not cars for posers, they're cars for connoisseurs.
there're some times, they'll infuriate you other times, they're really gonna thrill and excite you, but the point is: they're never, ever boring.
It was not designed like the Audi, using just science and technology and iron filings, It also has soul and passion.
This car has a heart.
But you know what really swings it for me? It's the interior.
Sitting in here feels like you're sitting in a Milanese's espresso bar.
Sitting in the Audi feels like you're trapped in a Berlin post office.
OK, then, James, have you told the ladies and gentlemen how fast the Brera goes from 0-60 No, I haven't and I was rather hoping you wouldn't bring it up.
But never mind, ladies and gentlemen, it does it in 8.
1 seconds.
Which in 1976 would have been considered pretty brisk.
James, you could be out dragged but a canoe boat.
It's not a slow car, it's just not quite as quick as your car.
which is a car for people who use moisturizing products.
James, I'm with you.
I prefer an Alfa to an Audi.
But not that Alfa Romeo, that's too slow and that's an end of it.
It's not too slow, it's plenty fast enough James, our colleague has arrived.
Here he is Lord Woolworth is here.
If it's power you want, then this is your answer.
The wankel engined Mazda RX-8.
When it comes to speed, it will do 0-60 in 6.
4 seconds, That's a bit faster than the Audi and a whole lot faster than the Alfa.
Top speed, 'round 150.
Put it on a track, and you quickly realize what this car is all about.
About this engine, it is different, it's a rotary.
So you use it differently.
All the power is at the top end.
So you can crush it mercilessly, an it will thank you for it.
There is something else too.
The Alfa is basically just an Alfa saloon underneath, And the Audi is just an Golf in a fancy front.
The RX-8, however, is bespoke.
It was designed from the ground up to be a preliminary sports car.
This is the only one with rear wheel drive.
It is a proper blue-blooded driver's car.
Listen to that, 7, 8 ,9 And yet despite all that, it has four doors.
You see, you got your big door at the front, usual sort of thing, then you got the little door for back seat passengers.
Look at that.
It's brilliant.
There're a few disadvantages I admit.
You'll struggle to get more than 23 MPG, it uses quite a lot of oil, and the depreciation is a bit steep.
But then a RX-8 is 2,000 pounds cheaper to buy than the others, and 2000 times better.
And I don't care what those other idiots say.
A tricky decision then, three similar cars, but three different opinions.
To see if we could find a winner, the three of us needed to meet up.
So this being Scotland, the home of golf.
We decided to break out the Pringle.
What will you be using here? How the hell do I know? I've never ever played golf.
And it's like that, isn't it? I can't believe you.
You seem to look like somebody who've done it Hahaha You've got dressed up in that outfit to do that.
To be honest, I could've carried it that far.
That doesn't look right.
How could it not look right? Shut up, watch and learn.
- Wow! - It's gone in the sea.
- It's gone in the sea.
- Yeah.
I will tell you what, Richard, Your Mazda would look good here.
Get off, it is not a golfist's car.
- It is actually.
- That actually is.
I'm fairly confident you won't see an Alfa Romeo in the car park.
No, we won't.
But I'm afraid I could see your car as well.
- TT? - Yeah.
TT is the car for the kind of man who matches his belt to the little tag on these trousers and he is then proud and pleased with that.
- What do they do and got they could do this, don't they? He's gonna do it again.
- It's like his pre-fly checks - I'll kill him, I'm going to kill him.
That's quite Well it wasn't bad.
Well, it was.
I just got a hole in 21.
We were extremely quick at getting to a new hole.
Oh - Oh, no - Hahaha Oh, well done.
But every time we got there Yes! Hahaha things slowed down again.
Are you using an ace? Partly because we were useless and partly because we kept arguing about our cars.
That Mazda is chintzy, it's nearly as chintzy as Chintzy? I'm sorry, I just Both of your cars are pompous Rubbish, rubbish, rubbish, rubbish, rubbish OK how long you wanna me keep saying rubbish? This annoyed the proper men of Pringle who were queuing up behind us.
There is no Roush leather in the Audi, there is no Well, practically, it might as well be Roush.
There're people behind us, they're very angry I know there're people waiting on I'm trying just to get on with it, yeah, I know.
After an hour we reached the third hole and were still arguing.
You are completely wrong about the Mazda.
Technically it may be good it may be fantastic on the track, but it's not what's it about on the road.
It's too jigly, - it's too harsh the interior, - Jigly? Just because the Alfa is slightly slower, - You think it must be able to - It's not slightly slower, James.
It's a little bit slower in the real world but in terms of being of the way it feels to drive, the balance, the feel of the steering, the ride, the little niggles you get in it hasn't got a How far can I hit his head? fundament like yours have That's just childish and doesn't solve the argument.
After this, we were asked to leave.
And all we've managed to agree on is that the Alfa was the least golf clubish.
Thank you, thank you obviously we will pick that up later on.
but now it's time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
My guest tonight is a global megastar really, he's made his name playing that kind of dithering English man we all know in love so I guess it's only a matter of time uh before he's asked to play the lead in "James May: the movie".
Please welcome to this poky motoring show, Hugh Grant! - How're you doing - Hi, good to see you.
Very well.
have a seat.
Uh Have a seat.
And um grateful you've come.
I got to say: this is thrill for me.
It's a thrill for me.
No, but it really is, because for the first time ever in the guest interview - we've got girls all around the front.
- Ah yes.
'Cause normally at this point they're all out side talking to Hammond, but now he's out there all by himself.
So let me start off with cars if I may.
Big hollywood star obviously, so I presume you've got a Toyota Prius? You would have thought, you would have thought, um no, I have in my life I've had 2 modes of car, - Little tiny tossers' cars - Uh hum.
And great big [beep.]
- Um - And you're in which mode now? Do you know, the first time I'm right in between the 2, the tossers' cars began with a a Citroen Dyane and I don't think you can get much tossier than that.
Well the great thing about No the great thing about the Dyane is you could crash it and nobody ever knew 'cause there were so many different angles on it that it was sort of always in Yes, yes, I know what you are saying, also it was you couldn't hurt anyone because it had the power of 4 harnessed children and there is And then you got into the kind of - well you eloquently put it Wankers' cars - Yeah.
Which started with? Well it started with um an Aston Martin Vanquish which was a beautiful car, you want to lick it or mate with it or something, but I never really wanted to drive it very much 'cause the gears did just occasionally, just when you were feeling happy in your car would just seize up, the car would stop, you couldn't even push it to the side of the road, you're just there on the A316 with people going past making wanker signs at you.
A lovely car.
Yeah and then it was Bentley, wasn't it? Then I yeah I did have a Ben I had a footballer's car, Bentley GT Continental um and very nice again, but I've got a bad back and for some reason it manifests itself some times as back pain and some times as bollock pain with the uh with the GT Continental, I got terrible bollock pain some cars seats do it my brother's Golf GTI was the first one hence the syndrome is now known as golf ball.
Um and I got it very badly with the GT Continental so that had to go back after 6 months.
Because of your testicles? Yes, I didn't say that to the um garage.
So um then what after the Bentley was? Then I had a beautiful Porsche which I actually phoned you about.
Yeah, well, actually your girlfriend phoned me up - Yes - And said listen - I've got to get Hugh a car - Yeah a Porsche a Porsche, well that's wrong for a kick-off - but anyway she was adamant it was going to be a Porsche - Yeah And then wanted to know whether it's going to be an automatic or manual gearbox? - Yeah.
- So I said automatic.
Yeah, you're absolutely right and of course I got the manual, and it's so exhuasting - 'Cause you want - All I wanted was a comfy environment And a nice arm chair and for my balls not to hurt, I got it's not asking much for a car.
And the Porsche also has its interesting thing, I think it's fine if the steering wheel's on "ze" left for "ze" Germans - I see, yeah - But on the right for the Brits, something's wrong I think the petrol tank's in the wrong place so you're facing forward like this with your upper body and your lower body is here sort of just looking dile directly left, and I found that tricky.
That is tricky, I once had that in a Lancia Stratus but all annoyingly in the Lancia Stratus all of you face this way while travelling in that which it is really does make it the sensation of speed is tremendous But you'd hit quite often.
Now your driving, how's that? Do you have road rage? Terrible rage, yes, and uh well yeah, it's road rage that then becomes terrible road meekness in a flash in an instant there was this guy who gave me the lightest of knocks, I mean barely touched the car and I went into a complete melt down, um attacked him and when he wouldn't get out of his car, I thought Well I'll attack the car! And I ripped the wind screen wipers right off his car, amazed at my own strength, and he said "You've ripped the wind screen wipers off my car" and immediatelly I said "I'm so sorry.
" "maybe if I " I tried to put them back on, I said "I'll drive you to a garage" Pathetic if you're gonna be angry you know, follow it through.
I once told um someone who is staying who had a dog in the hotel next to um where I was staying that kept barking 5 o'clock in the morning, I got up and then hadn't planned, this is always the play, if you don't plan what you're going to say - all goes wrong - Yeah.
I got out not sure quite what I was going to say, so I went "I've killed before!" My wife was going "What have you killed before?" Anyway, that's Let's talk about films, if we may.
- Your new film - Yeah.
Ok, is you and Drew Barrymore - Yes, sir - And it's called? - It's called "Music and Lyrics" - "Music and Lyrics" Now, I'm sorry about this, we we never normally do plugging on the show, - so I'm not very good at it.
We'll try, - OK have you got any clips here? That doesn't work, does it? We do have a clip, let me just explain what it is, um, I play this ex-80s pop star, fallen on hard times, I get this new contract to write a song for a very famous singer like it might be Britney Spears, I write music, I can't find anyone to write lyrics until I come across this girl who sometimes waters my plants, Drew Barrymore.
And we write this song together and then the clip we see here we're just making a little demo tape.
It sounds so good, I can't believe it.
And now vocals no, no you see, you have to sing into the microphone, it won't follow you.
But I can't.
It's it's a duet for a man and a woman, we are as close as we've got, your head phones and a level, you look nice in those, you should wear them all the time, How is that? Yes? - Ok.
- Shh Shh Shh It's ok And "Way Back Into Love", take one.
Oh, oh God, I'm getting really nervous.
You'll be fine, you'll just use your normal nice voice that I've heard so much of in the last 3 days.
It's like my throat's closing up, it's like anaphylactic It's fine, just a 3 minute song (SINGING)"I've been living with the shadow overhead," (SINGING)"I've been sleeping with the " Just uh a little bit louder 'cause this song is intended for humans ok? Very good.
Do you think? It's a romantic comedy, Jeremy, which is something I've never done before, so um I'd like to stretch myself as an actor, it's all about discovery, isn't it? Reacting, trying new stuff.
And it's a um I think a lovely funny film Its open's on um.
on the 9th of February.
Em can I just talk ok, you're we're the same age, give or take, I think - It's hard to believe to look at it, isn't it? - Yeah.
Frankly it is, yeah.
Are you starting to fall to pieces yet? - Yes I am, yes I am , Jeremy.
- Are you? Uh worst bit for me, is when you're you've wash you've shaved, you're rinsing your face like this, and then you look up into the mirror, I've got a mirror to the side here.
My eyes look up but my face is still pointing down.
- That's - That's how.
And also didn't you have some trouble with your bottom? That was a terrible moment, yeah, that was a really terrible I I funnily enough that was for "golf ball", it was.
I went to see a doctor in Harley Street, and I it was suspicious of him to begin with 'cause he said uh "Very good if you'd just like to sit, pull all your clothes off?" So I I took them all off, and then he interviewed me.
I sat I sat naked as a baby in front of him like this in a in a very expensive big consultation room while he wrote down things about me, kept looking at me and writing all the things down.
And then he said "Right, we're just going to uh do a quick uh prostate examination.
" Bent me over, and I swear to God, stuck his head up my bottom, because when he said "Does that hurt?" it was muffled, it was "Does that hurt?" And it was the worst pain I've ever had in my life.
Ok listen, I really want to get onto your lap, obviously.
- Yes.
- How did it go out there? I thought quite badly, um I like the Stig very much, he was very kind to me um but uh it's not easy, it's not easy Jeremy.
- You don't think so.
- No, I don't.
'cause it's so counter-intuitive, you know? Just when you're thinking: Well now I'm going to die so I'll brake but he says "Flat down with the accelerator!" And uh and the other way around and um I I know I'm gonna be bad.
Who here would like to see Hugh's lap? (Crowd) Yeah! - Let's play the tape, here it goes.
This is you and there you go.
What a car.
- That's - A very unattractive helmet.
Oh, don't change gear, you [beep.]
! - Crikey Moses! - That can not be my best that's quite grown up.
That was very good through there, excellent.
- Oh where are you going now though? Yeah.
- That's Hammerhead - looking smooth and fast - I never mastered the Hammerhead - Is that a penalty? - That's good, no that's good.
Good line through there.
Oh that was a piece of "art" Oh [beep.]
Soon you're gonna cut inside and you won't be swearing.
Is it gonna be fast through here? See? Every time I came wobbling through a turn there was another ex-BBC camera man right in my way.
Did exactly the wrong thing again.
And here we are, last corner - This is very poor - That's going wide that's wow yes! Across the line! Now I um I know it's not good, I know, I feel I feel like I've let anyone everyone down - and including the Stig.
- No, what do you mean? It's only yourself.
So where do you think you've come on the um - on the board? - Ah, I wish I knew.
Who would I really like I wouldn't like to come lower than Michael Gambon.
- Michael Gambon? You've beat him.
- Yeah.
Oh that's good.
In that case, I I quite like to beat you and McGregor.
- Well, you actually did it in 1 minute - Yes.
- Forty - Yes - Seven Point seven - Yes - Oh hello.
- Congratulations! You're right up there.
You're in fact only emm.
point one of a second behind the well spoken man.
Yes, yes.
Anyway, so there you are, uh Ah sorry but Jamie Oliver was in the snow, so he moves up, is that right? No he wasn't, it had melted, he did melted snow - He claims it was snow, and we punished him for that - Yes So no, I I think you're better and funnier and much better looking with a smaller tongue.
Ladies and gentlemen, Hugh Grant! Right, now, earlier, we were testing three coupes to decide which one is best.
I really really like this Alfa Romeo Brera.
Clarkson stupidly prefers this new Audi TT and the damn fool Hammond seems to think it should be this Mazda RX-8.
And so far, we have established pretty much nothing.
But now in the second part of the film we drive into Edinburgh and still arguing.
Can you set the sat nav in your car, OK? Err, no, I haven't got sat nav.
Could you do that, Richard? I go by instinct in here.
So it's the driver's car, or the navigator's car.
or the air hostess's in the case of yours Jeremy Think it with a bit of dust on my headlamps, so I will just wash that off.
Yes, I've done that with my headlamp washers.
Have you done that, James? Well I did that earlier with a wet hanky and end of my finger.
But either of you two got a DSG gearbox.
- No.
- No.
Have you got adjustable suspension, either of you? - No.
- No.
But then I fired a torpedo straight into the side of HMS Clarkson.
Jeremy, can I just ask how much of that stuff is standard.
Almost everything really is an optional extra.
How many is that lot cost? Err, the optional extras on this car add up 2000 pounds.
How much? Six (more) thousand pounds.
Six grand? It's actually eight grand but shh It was tit for tat all the way and nobody was going to give in.
The truth of the matter is this the car you really want looks like the Alfa drives like the Mazda and is built like the Audi.
But since that doesn't exist you've got to have the Audi.
Cause it's the best all round of the best compromise and that, that's an end of it.
It wasn't the end though, because coupes are all about looks.
And to find out which of ours was the best looking we've been told to go to the Scottish National Gallery of Modern Art in Edinburgh.
The challenge was simple, if this prestigious gallery was to accept just one of our cars based on styling and love, which would it be? A panel of experts have been assembled to make the choice.
And to help things along, we'd each been given two minutes to argue the artistic merits of our particular car.
But before that, five minutes in the gallery bookshop to bone up our art bit.
Is there anything Japanese at all? Scottish arts You have like a single volume on the artistic influence of Alfa Romeo coupes.
Err, Japanese culture in general maybe like into an oyster.
Opening itself up to repeat the onslaughts from the oyster.
Unfortunately the crash course in the bookshop just confused us even more.
As the experts discovered when James kicked things off.
Em, good afternoon professors.
I'd like to begin by asking the question Can a car be a piece of art.
I'd like to say immediately that I think no.
That's not a piece of art but can we find any art in that piece of design? I'll put it down there.
Can I really argue that the Audi TT was a reaction to the overly complicated ceiling rose of Victorian houses? For example we can see in the lights of the Alfa Romeo here I think the influence of the Scottish colorists, namely Fergusson and Peploe You went to art school, you should be good at this.
Did you go to art school? No, I didn't.
Then you wouldn't know what you do in art school is drink and pursuing women.
All arts I believe should be about two things, truth and beauty.
Now, it's true because it's real.
It's not actually a piece of art.
How do we shut this man up? Do you know what? We've made amphibious cars, we've made a convertible people carrier, I've raced you to Oslo This is the hardest thing I've ever faced.
He's given the impression that he's taken his brush oil, even his calligraphy pen, the impression he has given I think we've probably heard enough, That's alright with you, thank you very much.
I'll I did want to talk about the renaissance and the meaning of truth - and the development of human thought - We could leave that for another day.
These trousers are not Bauhaus.
Hahaha Why we mates look a bit like a monkey? Their brains are big.
Justify why you think your car should be in this gallery.
Um, one can see influences of the Bauhaus thinking in so many of the things around us today, some of the design classic.
Um Mart Stam's cantilever chair and the Marcel Breuer "Wassily" chair.
Why is he talking about chairs? It looks like it's going somewhere, it looks purposeful, I mean if you compare it, for example, that's the inside of the Mazda, that's not Bauhaus.
That's my trousers Woo, look, I found Jeremy's notes, trousers, fat, Hitler, tiger, Mazda, Alfa, modernism, minimalism minimalism, modernism I think it created cubism, I think it created Picasso, no, not that one Cubism came about 10 or 15 year earlier, but go on I don't think that I think the Audi is Bauhaus But I think it's got a very contemporary veneer.
I mean one shouldn't hang the whole item on the Bauhaus, I don't think it's "Das ist einfach nicht wahr" as they would say in the Bauhaus It's just not true.
What does it symbolize? The Audi symbolizes freedom? Freedom! Like that.
(Brave Heart) Warm in there, isn't it? Err, gentlemen, God is the reason why you might look at this car the Mazda RX-8.
And see there's something a bit unusual.
The Mazda is a Japanese car.
In understanding a little bit about why this car is different to ours.
And you can see that express through out Japanese culture and paintings, If you to take We are just gonna see you put your hands in your pocket 'cause you're sort of refering to note here.
I can I can do that.
Em, if you refer to "Catching Catfish with a Gourd", from the 15th century by Josetsu One of the blokes over there is an expert on Japanese and oriental art, you know that Can you just reiterate some of those points? Which point? The ones you just made.
Did you feel a bit thick when you finished doing it? Thick? How do you think he is gonna feel? He'll probably punch one of them I've eaten brighter vegetables than he is.
You put this car in the gallery Yeah What else are you going to have in the environment that surround it? Maybe to extend it further.
Maybe to have some other Japanese stuff in there.
Do you have any examples, that you think would be or value for the potential visitors? Some paint.
Japanese paintings.
By anyone particular? That would be for, perhaps, you know, specialists to choose.
How did that go? I think well, I think well, err Do you know you're bright red.
Yeah, I'm hot, very hot.
The boffins conferred and then called us all in to give their verdicts.
I think the Audi is err you know sort of constrained, it's modest, it's sort of tidy.
But it's not saying, doesn't say very much to me.
You know, this lessness is less for me not more.
Err, I'm most persuaded by the Alfa.
I agree entirely, yes.
The Mazda, I looked at it from various angles.
And it just doesn't seem to be as clear cut as an expression of what the modern art motif coupe is.
And I think that's the Alfa.
In terms of the look, the style, everything that it denotes we'd be happy to show that car in this gallery, the Alfa Romeo.
Well it's alright.
- / - Cause it'll just break down before it got here.
- / - You get oil all over your nice floor.
Come on, you can stop being petty and infantile.
These three men are experts in art and artistic expression - Well, they are wrong.
- It's only 'cause I've said freedom.
That's what we Well, rubbish.
As Richard said: They were wrong.
So now we're gonna do a much more important test which is the fastest around our track? Now obviously to find that out, we have to hand them over to our tame racing driver.
Some say that he once had a vicious knife fight with Anthea Turner and that he is in no way implicated in the "Cash for Honours' Scandal" All we know is, he's called Lord Stig.
Well that has wasted about an hour with wheel spin.
Get off, he started off in the best car.
The only proper sports car, of course the Mazda.
Rear wheel drive of course, this is familiar to him, it feels like a sports car 'cause it was designed as a sports car.
Radio: Lucy looked at him, the strong, kind face and the endearing look in his eyes, and she opened her heart to him.
Now you see, this romantic fiction, he's into it now.
Right over oh look at that, you see, - it's so controllable, you can steer it with the rear end.
- Is it moving? Is it moving? Rubbish, it's fast, mate.
Don't ignore.
Here we go , hammerhead.
- Oh - Look at that.
No, no, that's miles off.
That is elegant and controlled.
That really is.
He'll be enjoying that in there, - that's familiar territory for him.
- 40? And it looks at home on the track unlike the other two.
He'll have to lift off then.
- It's not for Oh, look at that.
- 45 - Braking, oh he'll be around here in a minute.
- Now he's got 1 corner and the final corner, - under control and looking like a proper fast car - Look at chintzy styling - He's lost it, that's all very bad.
- Oh, what a spectacle.
Still there, No, good front end grip, good balance, excellent brakes, Oh ho ho, did you see that dive? Wow, it's like watching the actual studio going around, isn't it? -That's balance and poise.
- It's boring.
I suppose you're gonna tell us it's the most practical car, James? Well actually it is, you see.
Because you can get 2 people in the front, I checked that.
Oh very useful.
And it goes off the road You know it's no good for golf 'cause it's the least Pringly and now you're telling this's got golf rackets in it.
- Look at that - It's It's not turned at all there, it understeered Look at this, really, I��ve never seen a car oversteer He's using all the track, - that's what - He needs all the track, that's different.
It hasn't let no, here we go, it'll just crash now, no, that was Beautiful.
Here we go, he's understeered - well, no he's got it in yes -Very neat, clip the apex.
- And here - Steering accurately - Out of control We got oil coming out of the bottom, right, gentlemen, behold the magnificent.
Oh you're off to the hair dresser, sir? - Get off! - Hahaha.
Oh would you like any bred items? I know you're thinking this is the old TT, don't muddle them up, that was for air hostesses, people who are orange.
This is the new one, it's a completely different animal, this remember it's only the front wheel drive one, the baby one, look at it.
Front wheel drive, unlike a sports car, which would have rear wheel drive.
Oh you just saw the back coming round there, - it's got a little bit of left off over steer.
- A little bit I saw it, I saw the front nod.
Here we go, just watch this, look at this, compare to your one James? - It's worse.
- Boy, that was so slow! It's not worse.
It is worse, look, it's on the grass, it's almost on the grass.
The right honestly, this is a completely different animal than the one we used to have.
- This is fast.
- No.
Only the 2 Liter one, remember? - Just the baby.
- Miles out.
The V6 actually is nowhere near as good as this.
As we come up to the final corner.
It's going to under steer off and crash.
Oh, it's done it, it's off the road.
It's just airborne.
Right, ready? Time for the Audi I wouldn't I wouldn't be so confident, because you see my car, I think on a race track, you'll find that Hahaha, five seconds.
Listen, you can stop being quite so cocky about it because your Audi hasn't won anything yet.
Remember how it's been? It's not the best looking, it's the most expensive.
It's not the most practical.
Exactly and we're about to find out that it isn't the fastest either when my Mazda beats it.
Hah! Oh Damn No, no, no you've won.
I've lost.
No 'cause I'm gonna own up now.
Secretly all along I��ve preferred the Alfa.
What? No, I just know, I seriously, I just if it were my money, that's what I��d buy, and I��ll bet you any money it's the same for you.
Yes, I knew it, I knew it.
But, I'm sorry before you get too cocky, I would not recommend one to a friend.
That's the thing, 'cause you well you wouldn't, you can't say ��Yes, go and buy an Alfa" 'Cause then they'll spend the rest of their life in a car that just stays on the side of the motorway.
So I can't recommend one to a friend.
Could you? No, I wouldn't recommend one, no.
- E E would you? - Come on.
No, alright.
There you are, you see? You wouldn't.
So what we've managed to establish is the best car here is the worst! Yeah, wow we're good at this.
We are.
And that's the end of the show, thank you very much for watching, next week we've got a top gear special see you then, good night.
TransGear subtitle team The Sim-Race Federation of China