Top Gear (2002) s09e06 Episode Script

Stretch Limos

Tonight, we cut some cars in half with saws.
Richard smokes a horse.
And who is in our reasonably priced car? Oh, it's his assistant.
Hello, hello and welcome.
Thank you very much.
Now, we start tonight with stretch limousines.
There are 9,000 of the damn things in Britain and they are all American cars that have been elongated and then coated with a sort of veneer of velour.
Why? Why can't limos be based on normal cars that we can buy in Britain? I mean, how hard can it be? Well, to find out, we were all three asked to build our own limousines.
The recipe is simple.
Find a car, anything we liked, cut it in half, and then put an extra bit in the middle.
What could possibly go wrong? This is what I'm gonna base my limo on.
Yes, it's a 1993 1L Fiat Panda CLX.
Now the interesting thing about this car is under the bonnet it doesn't have an engine.
What you get instead is a small field mouse called Gerald.
Break down baby.
Ah, if Gerald runs around this wheel really very very fast he'll get me from 0-60 in 18 seconds.
Don't worry though.
There's method in my madness.
Why start off with a big car when you're gonna make it big anyway.
And why have a big thirsty engine when you're gonna spend most of your time in town doing ten miles an hour, and if you put your foot down, everyone in the back is gonna spill their /.
My limo will be based on this, a sensible Saab 9000 3L V6 You're thinking: "there goes, Caption Slow and I expect he'll do a really good job of turning it into a limousine coz let's face it, he's a bit boring.
" Hahaha You can not even begin to comprehend the band of my forthcoming genius.
For my limo, I've thought of a bit luxury up.
It's a MGF, which as you've probably noticed is a two-seater at the moment.
Coz what I plan to create here is quite possibly the world's first mid-engined roadster limousine.
Nobody has done it before and I don't understand why not.
Why shouldn't "hen nights" have their wind-in-the-hair open top thrill.
So we'd all got our cars and we'd all found people who were going to help us turn them into limos.
This is the very same workshop where we made our convertible people carrier.
And that worked.
This job though, would require much more precision.
Right, where are my hammers? Meanwhile, in my workshop, my genius plan was to make the Saab with a second car.
And here it is.
It's an Alfa Romeo 164 3L V6.
And I know it seems odd, but think about it, No one ever said that the two ends of the stretch limo had to come from the same car.
I'd picked some motorsports specialists to help with the sports limo There are a few concerns largely coz the engine is pretty much at the back.
So all things like these radiator pipes and the gearbox linkage from the front to the back and the throttle controls they are all gonna have to be sort of made longer.
Right, this is the really clever bit.
Although the Saab and the Alfa look very different, underneath, they got the same floor pan.
And more importantly, as my center lines show, the wheel base is exactly the same.
It'll be sensible and Swedish at one end and fiery and Italian at the back.
It is a Salfa Romeab.
Here is a Top Gear top tip Rent one of these 35 quid a day.
Somebody you don't like very much, cut their car in half.
My first job was to cut all the pipes leading to the engine.
Oh, that went really really well.
That's disconnected.
When do you think you're gonna cut it in half? I'm not gonna get into a cutting-in-half competition with you, mate.
Coz I know exactly what you're gonna do.
What am I gonna do? Make a mess of it.
Oh, that's not a good time.
- Hello.
- Hamster.
Oh, bugger! Yes? How is it going? Really well, actually.
You know what James has got? - Yeah.
- A Saab.
- No, he's got an Alfa.
- No, it's a Saab.
No, it's an Alfa.
he's got an Alfa.
But he definitely told me he's got a Saab.
- So he doesn't know what car he has got.
- He doesn't even know what he's bought.
Is it true that Jeremy has bought a Fiat Panda? Yeah.
I mean if you're gonna make a stretch car, why would you start with a Fiat Panda? You can stretch it a mile and it's still only gonna be as bigg as a normal car.
Well have you met Jeremy Clarkson big tall fella, curly hair, idiot.
That's your answer, really, isn't it? Finally, it was time to cut our cars in half.
- What're you doing? - Cut it in half.
That's what half way, mate.
That's about half way.
I'm not gonna measure it.
Where are you gonna put you seats? Where is all the strength? OK? It's alright, I'll weld that bit up.
Inevitably James was being scientific about the project and was sawing his car in half using a plasma cutter.
Now watch this.
I do know what I'm doing.
I've made a bit of a plate.
And I'm gonna weld it over the little the little hole there and you'll never know the difference.
By using patience and math to make my limo, I was doing a damn sight better than Hammond.
Bad, bad thing.
Sorry.
It's locked, I can't get in.
The car is burning down before I've even built it.
That's bad, that's bad.
Jeremy had similar problems and couldn't even understand how the fire extinguisher works.
Good coz i have ahave a pull the safety pins.
That's fire.
Eventually the fires were put out and by tea time Richard's car was in half.
There it is! Shortly afterwards, mine was unconjoined as well.
Be hold the broken car.
and with James' Saab predictably still in one piece, I decided to make sure that mechanically at least my little Fiat had survived the operation.
And I'm delighted to say it had.
Obviously, we'll be picking that up later on.
But now, it's time to do the news.
And we begin, well, actually, we begin with last week.
Because you mocked me for wearing a suit.
You may remember this, yes? Because Kristin Scott Thomas was down here.
Tuesday, he walked into the office dressed like this.
- Yeah, alright.
- Look at him.
Where'd you been? I've been invited to No.
10 to a one-on-one chat with Prime Minister.
So I've, you know, put on a suit.
You say you going down there, you were in No.
10 Yeah.
- Sitting with him? - Yeah.
Did you vomit on him? No, you can't you can't vomit on the Prime Minister, mate.
Well, you can.
If you had a load of cheese soup before you get there, and then lots of salt water, all over him.
You could easily have done that.
- You didn't.
- No.
I didn't.
- Did you punch him in the face? - No.
No.
I didn't vomit on or punch the Prime Minister in the face, OK? How close were you to him, at any one point.
I was sitting next to him.
Look, there is a picture hang on, there, you see? That's it.
You could have easily punched him in the face from there, you idiot.
/ sick.
Look/ you just shed all over his leg and his cuff links.
No, look, I, that's Those are the two things that you're best at in the world.
Being sick and punching people.
He came around your house once, didn't he? Yes.
One time you came to my house, you vomited all over my sofa.
Sorry about that.
My house, vomited all over me.
I did do that.
So you vomited all over you mates, why couldn't you vomit over him? I'm sorry.
He'd invited me around for a chat.
So it wasn't appropriate About what? About road pricing.
And what did he say? That we need to do something about congestion.
Well did you tell him if he got rid of the bloody M4 bus lane, that might help? Did you tell him that? I didn't say that.
I wasn't sick.
I Did you tell him to get rid of the speed humps? No.
Did you tell him to up the speed limit on the motorway to 150? Coz that will surely Did you tell him that? Alright! I Punch him in the face! I let you down, lads.
I'm sorry.
Because, ok, road pricing is coming, and it's his fault.
I now realize I've let you down and I'm sorry.
You see, it's not us.
You've let everybody down here.
You've let him down.
He can't even afford proper clothes.
You could've been the first person in British history to punch the Prime Minister in the face and be sick on him, let him Alright.
I'll be the first person to punch you in the face on TV.
Now, that's more like it.
Why couldn't you do that to him? - Can we move on? - Yes, we can move on.
Now there's a new um Mondeo coming out in June.
and I've got a picture of it here.
and it will be brilliant.
It will.
Well the last one was.
It was brilliant to everything.
It looks fantastic.
A couple of things I think it's got a bit too much mascara around its headlamps.
No, you need it.
I had a bit of that going on in the studio last week actually.
The makeup lady put too much, err Hang on.
You were wearing mascara? Well, it's whatever the makeup lady puts on us before we walk in.
She Yes, I guess so.
I don't know.
You let her.
Oh for crying out Well you let her make you look like a "spaniel" every week.
Alright, I just want to get back to the car.
If you may The other thing is I've looked this engine's spec It's 1.
8s and diesels and 2 Liters.
There is no hot one.
Remember the days of the Cortina? There was the Lotus Cortina.
The Sierra, there was the Sierra Cosworth There's no hot version of this Coz what you want is like a Mondeo Vindaloo Actually, what if they just name the whole range after curries, depending on how hot they are.
- Yeah, that's - That's a good idea.
That's not of a bad idea.
You could do like / do those little chilies on the back, then I could have the / freezy.
Yeah, he could have the corma/.
Yeah, fast enough for me.
I really do like that idea.
Coz you''re bring together sort of two great British institutions.
Indian food and a car made in Belgium - Hahaha - Yeah.
Now, you know that new law about kids under four foot five They have to use booster seats in a car.
- He does.
- Yes, alright.
- I just knew it.
- Alright.
People under four foot five have to use a booster seat in a car.
But in North Yorkshire, the police say they can't enforce that law, do you know why? They do not have the heiheihei They do not have the legal heiheihei I can't wait for this now.
The legal Because they do not have the legal right to measure children.
Just imagine Just if you see the policemen measuring your children, you think "quick, call the" So they'll have to do what they used to do then they just put up some new sort of camera by the road to monitor children in cars to make sure No, no, you can't video children.
Have you ever been to school sports day? You have to ask every parent in there before they let you take your camera out of boot.
Oh go to your own kids' sports day, maybe they will let you Err, right, moving on.
- You know Aston Martins for sale? - Yeah.
But I can't understand coz Ford the only profitable part of the whole Ford business is Aston Martin and they decided to sell it.
But anyway, the leading bid at the moment is from an Egyptian consortium Carpets will be nice.
Really really labro/, really labro/.
Yeah, then buying one is gonna be interesting.
You get down to my brother's Abdulla Martin shop.
Hahaha.
- For you, my friend.
- I make my special price.
special price.
Right, now, you probably know, the Vauxhall Monaro, one of our favorite cars and we were very disappointed when they stopped making it.
Yes, but now it's back and we've got one here.
It's now called the VXR 8.
Fantastic looking thing.
It's got gills down here like a fish and it's now got four doors instead of two.
Absolutely brilliant this.
But it still got the same engine.
So that's a huge 6L V8 that develops 414 bhp Yeah, but you can get a supercharger kit for it.
Which takes it up to 540 bhp.
But the best thing about it is the value for money coz the standard car's got 414 same as an Audi RS4 - Yeah.
- But it costs 35,000 pounds.
That's 15,000 cheaper.
I know, we love the Audi.
Make no mistake.
I think the Audi is a very polite car.
This is more of a yobbo really.
This should come with like two butt cheeks on the back, so everyone behind is being mooned.
Now, earlier on you saw us buy some old cars and set about turning them into stretched limousines.
Next, we were told to report to the Top Gear test track on a bitterly cold day where we would be given a number of challenges.
Well, here it is.
My sports limo.
Proof that style does not have to be slow.
It is genius.
This time, once and for all , I'm going to win.
I shall be victorious.
Oh my god! It's a giant panda.
Never before bred in captivity.
That is a big panda.
It is.
Coz this is an economical limo.
- It'sit's justit's my sports limo, mate.
- Can we justdo you mind? The first thing I saw obviously, was the spoiler.
It's proportional to the car.
You need downforce? Do you need that in this? No, but it's part of image.
And image is everything.
- Can we also say, you've no roof? - Yeah, I have.
Hathat's it.
Well it was complicated.
That's it.
There is a gap.
There are tolerances here.
You could only work to so much.
Then May turned up and boy were we in for a shock.
Hang on.
Now that, that I didn't expect.
I'm confused.
Well, can I just explain? It's all about choice, OK? At the front, it's a sensible Swedish Saab 9000, another front, it's a sporty and stylish Italian Alfa Romeo.
What kind of paint thinner were you sniffing in when you thought of this? That theme, style, sensibleness, Sweden, Italy, I've continued that on the inside.
Because at this end, it is a sauna.
- Does it work? - No.
And at the other endare you ready? It is The Sistine Chapel.
Can you drive it both ways? Both cars? Yes.
That's the brilliant thing about it.
Because what's the problem with a limousine? The Movability.
- What? - Maneuverability.
No, I'm fine on that.
- You may have an issue.
- No, you have that obviously.
It's the very thin.
Our first task was to test out each other's cars and we began with the panda's brilliant passenger entry system.
Have you two ever seen the Great Escape? I mean it's perfectly straight forward, look.
This pulley.
You lie on this, OK? And Britney Spears is gonna do that, yeah? This is ideal really for people who used to be miners.
I thought you had sniffed thinners making that.
James offered to join me in the back.
Here he comes.
It's a ingenious solution to a problem that should never existed in the first place.
Next, I introduced Hammond to the in-car communications.
This is an intercom system.
And it's hands free.
So if you put that thing around your neck, it's like a one-man-band thing So it it's legal.
This isn't the most elegant solution.
I've literally thought of everything.
Right, I'm pulling away.
Hold on tight.
Here we go, going to beach.
You'll notice you swing around it, it doesn't have quite that same responsiveness.
Running out of run way.
Oh no, I I'm sorry, I'm on the field a bit.
You see the slags take some of the jolting out of it.
What have you done? You've gone over a runway light you blithering idiot.
Yeah, right, you made the car a mile long.
It's hardly my fault.
Even on our 160-foot wide runway, maneuverability was an issue.
But we did at least find a new way of speeding up my passenger entry and exit system.
Here we go.
Britney Clarkson is leaving the car.
OK, we are arriving, I'll brake.
You're a comp, it's an all over carpet burn.
How am I gonna explain this to my wife? Next, we try James' Alfaab.
James, a bit of an issue I've got here.
- What? - Head room.
There is loads of it.
What's your problem? He's put a sauna in this end and he's put it on the roof.
- Your beer fountain -Yes.
It's just making me want to pee.
But as problems go, that was nothing.
What's this stick? No no, don't pull that.
What you've donewhat's happened? - Hammond's unlocked the steeringin the wrong end, you idiots.
- Sorry.
/ To try and regain control of the rear, Hammond dived for the wheel of the Alfa.
Not that way! - Is that helping? - No.
I'll go the other way.
Hang on.
It's bad for the sauna.
Oh myha! - No - James - Stop.
- How the hell You pair of utter pillocks.
You've ruined my car.
You've been If I was driving it like a limousine, and you two were just being yobbos trying to break everything, that wouldn't happen.
The engineering in James' limo hadn't fared well.
So, time to try out Hammond's convertible.
Where is the heater? Well that is a problem.
Coz the engine of course is at the back and the pipes are It hasn't got one.
You're the stupidest man I've ever met.
I'll tell you what though.
Your car is a rubbish.
- I'll tell you what though.
- You put the roof up then.
Mind your head, mind you head, mind your head.
Oh, you see? It's no better with the roof up.
If anything it catches is the breeze I think.
Oh, that's gone.
That does happen.
How do I tell James to slow down? Oh, that's brilliant.
We call him on this.
What? Tell him to just slow down? Could you slow down a little, please, driver? James? Yes, what do you want? Can you see us? Yes, yeah, very funny.
To warm up a bit, Hammond suggested we try some of his onboard sports equipment.
Yeah, go.
Yes! The other thing that Hammond has done, is that he has fixed the seat in his driveAh! Hahaha With our test drives over, it was time for the challenges to begin.
Not all limo drivers are drug dealers, not all limos are used for hen nights, some have to be used for transporting political figures who may be attacked any time.
Your cars then should be nimble and fast enough to get out of tricky spots.
Well, that's you in trouble, what is it? For the first challenge, you arrive at a road block, the other two presenters are there armed with paint ball guns.
How many hits can they score before you've done a J turn and got away.
He is in a convertible.
Oh no, I have not thought of that.
I was first to drive into the jaws of death.
Oh no, a pathetic road block.
Now, a J turn.
You reverse at high speed, brake, spin the wheel, and as the front slues around, you slam it into first and roar away.
I must be honest Oh wait, now this is the panda wasn't much good.
It's actually quite tiring, isn't it? Yeah, just on the trigger thing.
Yes, I may be geting shot a few times now.
Ah Yeah, quite a lot.
Yeah, youmay have You could get more paint on it if you use the brush.
With my panda having set the bar pretty low, the convertible went next.
Hope you don't mind the mask, but there is no roof.
Hope I don't meet any terrorists Oh no, terrorists! Do your J turn then.
The speed was good, the protection, not so good.
Ah, that's a shot in the head.
But I got one there and one there.
Did it hurt? Yes, like ayou know, hurt like a Like a word you can't.
.
a paint ball in the head, yes.
Yeah, unfortunately, I suspect I think I've beaten you.
you have beaten me.
- Right, James, good luck.
- Good luck.
Instead of doing the tricky J turn, I planned to get into the Alfa end and reverse away forwards.
But that idea did have a flaw.
In fact, it had two flaws.
Oh the wheel wont Oh, look.
I don't know.
You aimed at my gentleman's area.
That was chafing agony.
There is far more on you than on your car.
- Yeah, well, so in that case, I've won.
- No, no.
I know, hang on, the rule said But in the real situation, will you be thinking "Never mind, at least my car has not got paint on it!" The rule said hits on the car, not hits on the wedding vegetables.
It was time for the next challenge.
I just hope that that was the end of evasive driving stuff.
Evasive driving part 2: It's a test of nippiness against the clock.
You break out from a terrorists' trap, slalom down the runway between strategically placed cars belonging to members of the public which you may not hit, steering around the stinger at the Hammerhead and pull up once you're out of the range of the water cannon.
The what? With maneuverability being the key to every aspect of this challenge, James was feeling confident.
Watch this.
No, hang on.
- What the hell.
- He's still unlocked now.
How was he going to do a slalom.
It's not gonna help at all.
It's Hammerhead.
The water cannon kicked in to make missing the stinger even harder.
Easy victory.
Well, maybe not.
My sports limo was like a greyhound out of the trap.
Oh, wheel spin and everything! That looks quite good.
I can't really see / now ever having got into it in the first place.
It's the stinger next.
No, hang on, it's the water thing first.
Convertible, as it turns out, not the best idea.
The panda broke out with ease.
Yeah.
Rock and roll.
How can he do the slalom with a car that long? Looking good.
He is gonna to have to take the world's most enormous route.
Oh, for crying out now.
Oh no, I'm not gonna make it.
No, that's such a poor idea.
No.
Oh, there is some smoke coming out of it.
- Oh doesn't that break your heart? - Yeah.
Hey you, the clock is still running.
My limo had become bogged down.
But the film crew kindly pushed me out and I was on my way again.
No, you can squirt it as much as you like.
Sadly, I hit the stinger which punctured the tires and then worse, my engine died.
That was sad.
- Why? - What? Well I don't understand.
Why did you get out of the car? Well coz it's got puncture and the engine had stopped.
so I thought if I get out, I would be able to change the wheel.
Coz the water cannon was off.
I didn't know they were gonna turn it on again.
Did you seriously think there was you out of the car, the water cannon, How could they not turn it on and hit you? Well, with hindsight you're right.
I should've stayed in the car.
Anyway, that wasn't the final challenge.
There was another one, a big one.
One where we brought the whole of central London to a stand still.
And we'll be showing that to you later on.
- Yeah, can I just ask? - What? Your limo, down one side I saw windows.
On the other side, there were no windows? No, it's paparazzi proof.
So if you got Britney Spears in it, she's forgotten her pants.
As she does.
Which she is prone to do.
And now she's got matching, you know, collar and cuffs.
It's so they could It was on the curb side, there were no windows.
I've thought of everything.
Can I just ask why you shot me in the penis? You did.
You think I could hit that when you were 50 feet away and running.
Anyway it's now time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
My guest tonight is attractive.
Uh, she's futuristic and she's from Swindon, so she's sort of like the Honda Civic.
Ladies and gentlemen, Billie Piper.
How are you? - Do you mind? - I'm alright, thank you.
Thank you so much for coming.
Now this is marvelous.
- You're so much better looking than everybody else.
- Thank you.
And your top's more see through, so I'm really I know, I've just heard about that I've just noticed coz you walked outI thought I'm gonna have to - How bad is it? - It's quite bad.
- But don't worry.
- My bra's see through too, woohoo.
- Is it? Really? No, that's a joke.
No! It is.
Uh anyway, listen, is it true that you wrote your auto-biography - because you heard a biography was coming out? - Yeah.
- I heard somebody else was gonna write one.
- Yeah.
- I was pretty convinced it was gonna be full of crap.
- Yeah.
And so I thought I'd have a go myself.
- Did it come out? The biography, or did you kill it? - Yeah.
No, it came out.
It came out, was it full of crap? I didn't actually look at it, I watched its sales, it didn't do so well, but then nor did mine.
So Didwell it's not like it wasn't full of stuff, not like Wayne Rooney, coz he was about 4 when he wrote his.
- It's true.
Have you read it? - He must have put absolu - Of course I haven't read it.
- Right.
"He was born, grew big in years, kicked football, slept with grandmother", it's not really - It's not, it's not gonna be like yours let's be brutally honest.
- No.
So why have you given up "Doctor Who"? Which is the question most asked by my 8 year old.
Because um it just felt like the right time to go, it's 2 years in Cardiff.
- Oh, you - I know, I know.
I haven't realized.
God I once went there for 2 days.
- I'm going to hell.
- I liked it very much.
No, I just, I just wanted to try some other stuff.
Ok now, just before we move off "Doctor Who", I've got 1 important question: what is the top speed of a Dalek? I'm saying 6 mph? They only do 6? - So you run faster than a Dalek? - I can.
Why are you so scared of them then? They're threatening things.
They're huge.
- Are they huge? - They're about the same size as you.
- I could have one.
- Hahaha Um now is it true, obviously we have to get it across for those you know - um, you know you're married to Chris Evans? - Yeah.
- Is it true he tried to pull you in a Ferrari? - That is true.
Quite a thing, did it work? Well obviously it worked.
It worked, yeah, I married him, 6 months later - What? Because of the Fer - Not because of the Ferrari.
- Um - Not because of the color of his hair obviously, that's I love the color of his hair, I'm a big fan of the "Ginge".
Really? - Yeah.
- Are there any here? - No, we don't let them in, that's it, we're trying to kick them out.
- No.
They smell different, I find.
But he's covered it withdidn't he cover the Ferrari with roses? Yeah, he filled the car with roses and then he covered the bonnet with roses, too.
Did he keep it? Um no we chopped it in for 3 classic cars.
Which were? - Um Moggie Minor, Jaguar Mark II, beautiful.
- Yeah.
And a Mercedes, but I can't remember what it was - An old one? - An old one.
- Do you prefer old cars to the? - Yeah, I love old cars.
Why do youold cars what? I just think they're beautiful.
They're works of art.
I'd much rather look at an old car.
I have I'm not a huge fan of new cars at all.
So what's your car now? It's a Porsche 911 Oh God.
Not another one.
- 1989.
- So an early one.
- It's a nice model.
- It's a 1989 Porsche 911? - Yeah.
For people who can careless what model number? - Yeah I don't really know.
- It doesn't really matter, does it? All I know is that it's it's white and I love white cars.
- Now that's interesting.
- Do you like white cars? I think white's a good 70's color that should be making a come back soon.
You are a woman of course of great taste coz I did find a piece of uh writing the day that said you like a man with a beer belly? I do.
HahahaSmug.
- Yeah I do.
- But you neveryou thought the six-pack thing isn't for you? It's not for me.
I don't like it at all.
- Why? - It's just too try hard.
- It's justYou know I like men you know.
- I agree.
Yeah, I bet you're feeling like a bit of a berk now, aren't you? He's been standing there you know that thing men do with the pushing their arms out.
Look at him.
he's like "look at my muscles here, look at that".
They're very nice.
- Now stick your stomach out, you aren't be able to share it, are you? - That's perfect.
Anyway I wanna talk about your lap, how was it out there? UmI wasit was ok.
It was a lot harder than I imagined, I got a bit angry as well which I don't think is good.
- Angry with the Stig? - Myself, not with the Stig, - I love the Stig.
He was very patient, very generous.
- Really? - Verywas he? - Yeah, hahaha - It's just unfortunate that he's got really toned body.
- Does he? Yeah and a face like the elephant man, um That's a shame.
- Did you call Chris up to get - Yeah.
- And he said? - He said "listen to the Stig and work with the lines".
Would you like to see it? Alright.
Who'd like to see Billie's lap? Ok, let's have a look.
Shake and bake.
Second gear.
And third next? Ooop you cut the corner a little bit there but hey that doesn't matter coz it just slows you down.
Where are youwhere're you going? You're on the wrong side of the line.
Must beat Gordon Ramsey.
Ok into the hammerhead and again that's entirely the wrong route.
Oh God, this is terrible.
Jonathan Ross was the last person here to get this lost.
(Fucking) hell.
Yeah, that was you got the right way, didn't turn right there, that's good.
And then through second to last corner, that's where everybody get's it wrong but that's a very good line actually there, and then this isn't and there we are and across the line.
That wasn't great, was it? Well Where do you reckon on the board that was? Please tell me I'm above Steve Coogan.
Above Steve Coogan.
Well you are.
- However we do have a problem.
- Why? You did it in 1 minute 48 point 3.
To the stunned silence of amazement of the entire audience.
But the problem we've got is that we've had to have a word with "His Stigness".
- Why? - Well because you didn't really do a lap of the track.
I mean you didn't do the same lap that all the other people have done.
Does that matter? Well, do you know, yes, it does.
No, it doesn't, please no.
Well, I don't know what to do because the Stig says he reckons it's a 3 second penalty for cutting the corners.
- I told you he was an unpleasant man.
- He's not a nice man.
What do we think? Leave? Leave it there? Leave it there? - People power, I'm sorry - I'm quite happy with that.
Well you would be.
I would do this like "I could get home in a really quick time if I just drove straight through" You're staying where you are.
- Ladies and gentlemen, Billie Piper! - Thank you.
Now, this is the new Mustang We drove it a while back and we found it a bitwell, lame.
But the thing about the Mustang is you can always improve the breed.
As I shall now explain with a rather noisy history lesson One of the many great things about the Mustang Is that it really introduced drivers to the whole idea of options of specking up your car.
So when it first came out in the early 1960s, nobody wanted a bogle standard one with a 6 cylinder engine They wanted ones like this The GT390 This is the Bullit Mustang The one Steve McQueen hurled into movie history around the streets of San Francisco The GT390 is, in car terms One of the seven wonders of the world The noise, the presence Very very few cars live up to their hype.
But this car does, and I should know Because this is my GT390 And I'm using it to make a Mustang point Everything that made it good The engine, the lights, the stripes was extra.
Basically if you wanted a good one You have to forget cheap and cheerful and go for the bells and whistles version And that's what's been missing so far from the new one.
Untill now.
This is the Mustang GT500 And from every angle you can see its muscle car biceps straining to burst out of the body work.
It's also festooned with menacing Cobra badges Attribute to tuning legend Carol Shelby Now Shelby only ever put his name to the fastest and the most powerful Mustangs Which means this thing has gotta be more than just a fashion state.
And it is.
Good, God.
You see this car has the super charged V8 from the Ford GT.
This means power goes up from 300 to 500 horse power.
In America the GT500 has gone down a storm The queues are out of the door and ram the block Now if you wait your turn You could put one of these on your drive in Briton for 35,000 pounds Sounds tempting.
Question is: Should you? Let's start with the power That 500 bhp, it's a bit you know, neat.
This is a rolling road It's a sort of lie detector for engines and gives the true horse power reading Genuenly looking forward to this What it's got? Really? Right So this GT500 actually makes Err.
Almost There you go.
That seems fair enough.
You know, thinking about it, why not got the mechine here.
Please don't hurt it.
It had, when it was brand new, 325bhp And I'm assured by the man who sold me it that this is a fine example of the breed.
Anyway, back to the job in hand and speaking of disappointments Multi-link geometry Dual-way remote reservoir dampers Fully independent rear suspension These are just some of the things that this Mustang hasn't got No, what this car uses is a live axel.
which as rear suspension goes is basically a whacking grate girder with a wheel at each end It's not exactly the most modern layout Noah's Ark had a similar set-up.
Because the technology is old fashioned you can have some good old fashioned fun But when it all goes wrong the Mustang becomes as precise and dynamic as well an ark Now Ford say they didn't give the GT500 modern suspension Because it would've added 5000 dollars to the price of each car.
That is a ridiculous decision You can't just give a car an extra 200 bhp And then leave it with prehistoric suspension What you're left with then is a car that looks great and goes fast in a straight line And that's it.
But don't despair.
If you really want to spend 30 grand on a Mustang that looks good and goes fast in a straight line Then why not buy the one that has the pedigree and the history And makes a great noise Buy this onewell not this one obviously.
It's a bit down on power.
No you're right, you're absolutely right.
You cannot put can't put that much power in a car without changing the suspension - You just can't overbreak.
- Exactly, the rest of it can't handle it.
Anyway, we must now find out how fast the Shelby goes round our track And to do that we gotta put it in the hands of our tame racing driver.
Some say that he isn't machine-washable and all his potted plants are called Steve.
All we know is he's called the Stig Ok away it goes.
And you can see the back wheels bobbing around struggling for grip.
That's the low-tech suspension for you.
Let's see how it affects things in the corners Diving into the first one now.
Looking fairly composed so far, not too bad.
Just breaking loose a little bit on the exit there Radio: Guiding his hands she helped him to unbutton her pretty lilac blouse More gushing fictions from the Stig's collection there.
Chicago now.
You see it tried to cock a back wheel and then it gets all out of shape on the way out.
That is messy Hammerhead now.
Heaving forward on the breaks and he's lurching over into the turns Stig kicks it into a bit of a drift It's smoking inside wheel but not elegant Radio: Locking her arms around his neck she softly pressed her lips to his Into Follow through, chance to see this car in its best now which is in a straight line.
Yep, that's fast through the tires two corners left Oh dear wallowing about like a frisky hippo there Just Gambon to negotiate now He holds it in, dab of opposite lock and across the line He did it in 1:30 exactly - 1:30 so - Precisely, yeah The same as a Monaro Err, yes which is good but It's good, but the thing is you can see it wobbling about in that film I mean the Stig is just all over the place.
And that really brings me on to this Ok? which is the Roush Mustang.
Now it's only got 415 bhp this, OK which obviously isn't as much as the Shelby But they have changed the suspension they have changed the breaks I drove this last year in America and it was just bri I mean really properly brilliant car this.
But if I'm right, this is what? Well yes, but it's 10 grand more car, it really is In fact earlier on, after the Stig'd been out in the Shelby We gave this to him and this is what it looked like out there Here he is, coming up to, where is he now? That's Chicago You see, look, there is no wobbling like there was in the Shelby / amazed.
You hear that supercharger whine and the exhaust This is got a limited slip diff as well which the shelby hasn't so it doesn't just spin all the power away on the inside wheel It's Oh God that's such a nice car.
- Do you know what the time was? - Go on OK 415bhp, what was this? 450 there about.
- It was 1:28 - Wow.
But it is M3 money Yes, but honestly I'd have one of those If I were the sort of person who looked at my sister and thoughtEmm Now earlier, you saw us buy 3 normal cars and turn them into stretch Limousines Then we went down to our test track for a series of challenges And I have to say That Jeremy, your Panda was rubbish, mate.
- Absolutely rubbish - Yeah, it wasn't brilliant, no It came, what? You got the most hits in the anti-terrorist test - Yes it is - And it was knocked out by a hose pipe.
Anyway, for the final challenge We were told to smarten ourselves up Because we will be chauffeuring top celebrities to this year's glittering Brit Awards Yes we would and the winner would be the person who could get the most photographs of their celebrity in the following week's newspapers and magazines This is what happened.
Before being allowed on the road each of our cars had to face a goverment inspection to make sure they were road legal Hammond's sailed through no problem at all and so amazingly did May's me though, I had a problem For some extraordinary reason the rule say you can't drive a 46-foot car on the public high way so I had to do some surgery I had to lot 7 feet out of the middle which has affected the rear leg room a little bit But it is now quite nippy coz it's only emm, 8 feet longer than a bus For my pick up, I had to go to a hotel in Chelsea to collect a Brit Nominee called Lemar He.
.
hello! - Mr.
Lemar - Yes - My name is May.
I'm your chauffeur for the day.
- OK.
Umm, this is your car.
En, it's a it's an Alfa Saab Meanwhile, I've been sent to EMI records in West London It's just got a bit dent, it's very simple to polish it out.
Everyone's a critic.
My VIP pick up was R&B star Jamelia Oh my God.
Hahaha.
OK! No expense spent! While Hammond got the glamorous singer, I had to pick up a fat man Oh, God.
Chris Moyles, Radio 1 This is your luxury limousine transportation Not what I had in mind Right Here we go.
Sit back relax OhWhat's it done? OK, if you'd like to step in That will be great and we'll get off.
What? - Um, this is the intercom.
- Yes.
You press that button if you want to talk to me.
If it starts to rain, don't press it, because you'll get electrocuted.
Eventually though all our passagers were on board and we were ready.
Are you comfortable? No.
Good God.
We were all now heading for Earls Court The Brit's is one of the biggest night in the showbiz calendar with most celebs hoping to look impressive by arriving in a big shiny German car We were gonna show them the error of their ways.
It's better than a Audi this will get you noticed You know what happened to Dave Lee Travis he is on three counties radio now? coz he didn't think to use cars like these for going to awards ceremony Now I've chosen this route to demonstrate the brilliance of my car.
Meanwhile in the Alfaab Lemar was riveted by James' conversation There is a small issue with the congestion charge because as I'm sure you know the camera records the rear view of the car but when they look at the photographs It'll give the regestration number of the saab but the photogragh would show the front of an Alfa So we're looked asso somebody with the wrong sort of car for the number plate has reversed into London back in the Panda my demonstration of its brilliance wasn't going too well You're crutching it.
Oh.
.
Um, it's still standing.
Exactly, there isn't any wrong with it, shush.
We can edit that bit out So when the digital camera takes picture it thinks "Well, that's a Saab" But when they look at the photo they'll see it's a Alfa Romeo And it's going the wrong way Height car on the left there sir.
In the MG poor old Jamelia was attracting a lot of attention from fans Not least because Hammond'd had to modify his intercom to make it legal.
Sorry about the fan thing trying to chat you up there.
That was a bit awkward for you - I'm sure I've got - I can't hear you.
Oh.
.
So, Jamelia was embarrassed in the MG Lemar was bored in the Alfaab and Chris had yet to appreciate the Panda's brilliance.
That, oh.
.
that's That is a catastrophe it's just happened now.
Can you, is that car behind you very close? Yes And then Lemar woke up as he began to realize that James had no idea where he was going The car doesn't have navigation, um? I take it.
Well, it has navigational source, it has a driver who's lived in London for 20 years Where are we now sir? Um, we are just coming onto um.
.
err To distract Chris from the fact that we were almost constantly stuck I engaged him some musical small talk I once went to Earls Court in 1976 saw Bad Company there, Simon Kirke He did a drum solo like you wouldn't believe.
It was now 6 o'clock Lemar was supposed to be at the Brits in half an hour and James was miles away.
stuck in the side streets of central London Actually if you don't mind sir, this is sort of where I need your help - Um, because the reason - OK this car would go round in very small corners is because you can steer it from both ends but I'm afraid I have to ask you to sit in the Alfa Romeo and steer By this stage Moyles was hungry and thirsty and because I haven't thought of include any onboard catering He'd been shopping for supplies.
What was that? I was getting on my seat.
Oh, sorry.
I thought someone's run into us Turn left Right, left? Yeah, your left - My left? - Yeah.
That's it, That's perfect.
You see.
Straight around that very tight bend.
You see now a normal Limousine wouldn't go round like that, would it? Let's do another one, hard left sir OK, so , this umm your steer.
.
The whole thing is not I.
.
you need to straighten it up a little bit - So we're crabbing round badly - I can't Because the whole.
.
you know, your wheel spin is a bit Jamelia was closer to Earls Court than Lemar but no happier The the accelerator's stuck open a bit But if you think about it.
I have to link it to the back of a car It's hydro gas suspension and the clutch and breaks, all the things Oh, hang on.
That doesn't sound good.
That's Oh, sorry.
Road closed.
I'd better go right.
And then it got worse That's not come well, has it? Where are you going? You're going that way, right.
Sorry, sorry.
Ahhh! Sorry.
- Oh my God, you're just the worst driver - Sorry.
That's the famous Harry's department store on the left Earlier when us talking about circles, you know I mean, Harry's, seen it twice.
I don't really need to see it a third time.
The bus couldn't back up and I was stuck on the double mini roundabout - I can't make this turn Chris, at all - Look where you're going.
Thank you.
There we're clear, right.
Earls Court was now just minutes away.
What was that noise? At the Brits The world's media were waiting for Jamelia's arrival I still don't think you appreciate the complexity of linking up a rear engine car when you stretched it.
Please listen just let me get out here! No, no, red carpet there is for you.
I'm so embarrassed! And she wasn't too pleased with my clever exit solution.
No, on the other side, On the other side.
Sorry about the ladder thing coz the steps weren't ideal.
While Jamelia regained her composure I checked on the others.
Jeremy, how are you doing? Umm, not well It's what? Into two pieces on the Lily Road.
It's broken in half.
Haha.
I'm sorry not to give you more support but Sorry Chris.
I'm getting, getting like an hour late, or something like that.
at this rate, isn't it? You know The first time I'm nominated Best male, you know? Hey, best male.
Come on.
Surely sir.
In the music business it's fashionable to be quite late anybody Nobody ever turns up on time really.
There's fashionably late and there's stupidly late, you know.
I can only apologize sir I don't wanna hear anything, just please, just get me there Well, there is five minutes to go May's hopelessly lost Jeremy's car's split in half.
That means, by defaulting nothing else, I'm the winner.
Yeahhh! Hammond may have been gloating.
But I wasn't out of the competition yet.
What time do the awards start? About five minutes.
/ Oh.
Wait, wait, wait - Dignity, wait around a bit - OK, dignity yeah, dignity - Red carpet's over there.
- What? Well So Moyles was happy.
But Hammond wasn't.
You cheated! You finished with half a car.
- You're supposed to finish with a - This is stretch.
I've got the man here Meanwhile, in a car somewhere nowhere near Earls Court Lemar acknowledged as one of the gentleman of pop had had enough.
Strickly speaking is left.
But I think if we go right I can go round the back - What do you mean right? - And then - Well.
.
- Right, why? you just said.
.
Now listen, you just said go left.
- Right, so why.
.
so, so.
.
- Most people would go left.
most peo.
.
so why don't we just follow what most poeple would do? Because I think if we go right No are you doing this intentionally now? - No.
- Thisdecision is just stupid.
It's just stupid.
.
Are you a jerk? - No.
- This is what you planYou come to mess up my day? You picked me up.
You drove me round and round in circles in London.
Been passed Harry's 11 looks hundrud times now.
Left you turn it to go right.
I'm not taking this anymore.
- Open this damn door.
For crying out loud! - I think it's The stupid door doesn't open.
I've had it! Forget it.
Lemar go like that with him after half a day - We have to work with him all the time.
- I know Anyway, clearly, I won.
No hang on a minute.
The competition was to see who could get the most photographs of their celebrity in newspapers and magazines Now I know this is the most pointless question ever Since you ended up in Norridge.
How many? Ahh.
.
None.
- None at all, and you? - None.
Don't tell me there was a picture of Chris Moyles somewhere.
Dataa.
.
look it out.
Read it and weep.
There it is.
Wait, hang on.
That's your page in your newspaper Yes? Well, you cheated.
You two have both got newspaper columns, you could have done it.
You just didn't think.
Come on Jeremy, you can't claim you've won just because of the passport picture.
Yes I can.
It's the winner.
But you hit every single bollard in East London.
- West, James, west.
- Westwhatever And then you finished with half a car.
You're half a person.
It doesn't seem to bother you.
Anyway I .
.
I'm afraid I did win that, chaps "On that bombshell" it's time to end the show and indeed the series.
Um, we've no idea when we'll be back.
I tell you something though.
The three of us will be back here to record a special Top Gear of the Pops for comic relief in a couple of weeks And we hope to see you then Thank you very much for watching, Good night.