Top Gear (2002) s10e03 Episode Script

Typhoon Jet Fighter

Top Gear 10x02 Tonight, James drives a Rolls-Royce, Richard drives a Bugatti Veyron, and I drive something that isn't either of those things Hello.
Good evening.
Good evening and thank you very much.
Thank you so much.
Now We start tonight with a letter: "Dear Top Gear, why, oh, why don't you feature more cars aimed at ordinary people like me? Yours sincerely, Mr.
Abramovich of Chelsea.
" Well, Mr Abramovich, our man of the people, James May, was only too happy to oblige.
Perhaps this is what he's on about.
No, not the gin palace.
The new Rolls-Royce Phantom Drophead.
As I'm sure you know, on Top Gear, if a car spends too long sitting on the deck of an aircraft carrier, it eventually gets launched off the ramp thing down at the end.
And this definitely isn't going to fly because it weighs 2.
6 tonnes.
So, let's be on our way.
This really isn't the sort of car you want to drop into the ocean Largely because it costs 307,000 pounds.
That's 50,000 more than the Rolls-Royce Phantom Saloon which we tested a few years ago, and which, I have to say, we liked rather a lot.
So, what are you paying the extra for, aside from the drop-top? Well, you certainly get a lot more metal-working because, to keep the Drophead's body rigid, Rolls gave it to their adoptive parents at BMW who added another 460 feet of welding.
And they did that at their Centre For Aluminium Competence.
I'm not making that up, that is what it's called.
They're Germans.
Otherwise, it has the same 6.
75 litre engine as the Phantom, the same top speed and the same 0-60 time.
So, the mechanicals are the same.
But the image, very different.
The saloon is the sort of car that you could hide in.
You can sit in the back behind the tinted glass and just pretend to be selling Russian gas or whatever on your laptop.
But with the Drophead, it will be you who's doing the driving.
You don't really want to ride in the back of this car, unless, perhaps, you're the Queen of England or Elton John.
Which is the same thing, really.
So, you'll be sitting up front, for all the world to see, in a car that's hardly discreet, and this is why I'm driving it around town at night: because the producer thought I'd be too embarrassed in daylight.
But why would I be embarrassed? If this was truly vulgar, maybe, but it isn't.
It's exquisite.
This lot don't do carbon fibre but they will let you have this teak decking at the back, like you might find on a motor launch.
And they will also let you have the bonnet finished in brushed stainless steel.
And other car manufacturers are currently spending millions and millions of pounds on research into hydrogen fuel cells and hybrid drive but Rolls-Royce spends the same money in its ashtray design department.
Look at that! Furthermore, you won't be overwhelmed by all the flashing lights and gizmos and gadgets that you'd find in a BMW 7 Series or a Maybach.
I don't have ten different settings for the ride firmness, I don't have five different speeds at which the interior lights switch off when I close the door.
It's more like a butler, this car.
It just sort of takes care of everything for you and you don't even notice.
Like the Phantom Saloon, the Drophead doesn't follow the herd.
It has its own ideas about what a luxury car should be.
You can't order a sports pack or a flappy-paddle gearbox but you CAN choose from 44,000 shades of paint.
You know that teak decking? When you take the car for a service a man in an apron oils it for you, like you might your favourite cricket bat.
And when it rains, yes, you call on an old-fashioned soft-top, instead of some trendy, folding, metal origami.
But that soft-top is lined with cashmere.
And yet, for all its teak and stainless steel and cashmere, the Drophead just doesn't come across as brash, or in-your-face.
I like to think you could leave it in the rougher parts of town and no-one would hurt it.
Yo! I love you! Let's not try it out, though, eh? This is, without doubt, a proper Rolls-Royce.
Wonderful to drive, beautifully made.
But there's something else.
Here's an amazing thing.
Rolls-Royce is the most established marque in the history of motoring.
It has the most pompous radiator grille.
It has the most ridiculous mascot.
And yet, this car's very, very cool.
I think this might be the coolest car in the world.
You said it wasn't brash? Yeah, it's not like clock too tall I'd better say I'm with you, it's an exquisite car.
Trouble is, though.
When the roof comes back, You know, a cloche in a stupid restaurant, when they go, "Ta-daaa!" Oh yeah, "any more convertible at all?" Yes, I know, and you sit You sit in the damn thing and it's like sitting in a convertible Range Rover, you sit high up.
You feel so conspicuous! I didn't feel conspicuous in it.
The thing is, I believe, deep in my heart, that I looked good in it, and it suits me, 'Cos it's stylish and it's contemporary.
Every time I see you those are the words that pop into my head: Stylish and contemporary! After other words, like, for instance beige! Standard stairlift The War, wanna hear any more? Homosexual! I object to the beige! Now, the news.
Imagine if you will that you bought a Bugatti Veyron, It's a big investment You'd be very excited about the day it was gonna be arrived, So you'd imagine such a thing would be delivered You know, on like a golden carriage, on a bed of swan's feathers, it's a special moment.
I'd want mine born aloft by sixteen greased, naked eunuchs That's what I'd want.
Whatever, the point is that's the sort of thing you'd expect, it's a big moment In Russia they do things a little bit differently Here is one, it's being transported That's a Bugatti! I brrought yourr Bugatti, sirr, it is herre Why is it on a flatbed pickup? Your?????? That's a disappointment in your life.
Now, anyone parked in London recently? No.
You see, the problem is no more parking meters are pay'n'display.
What you do is you pull up and there's a sign, we've got a picture of one here Ok? Where you pay by phone for your parking space.
Would anybody like me to try that? Ok.
I have brought with me all you need: got a phone, and a credit card These are what you need, ok? I've got a microphone so you can hear what I'm doing.
- Just give me the number.
0-8 - 7-0 - 7-0, yep - 4-2-8 4-2-8 4-00-9.
This puts me through to a laptop in India Here you go.
Got the microphone ready, I'll put the speaker on.
Brooke to Westminster Option Service Please enter the FOUR-digit location number or entry ???? to select your last location.
So it's 8 that's the location.
8-7-44 Your car's rotting at this point Here we go, there we are Insert your PIN number or the last four digits of the credit or debit card which you registered.
My credit card! Last four I can't read them, I need gla You can't if you ain't got any glasses - Give it to me, I'll read your number out loud - Someone will have to read it for you - All of them - No, you won't do that Someone's got some reading glasses? That's Oh yes! They're not reading glasses! No, there we go 7 This is to park your car! Hey, I haven't finished yet! Please, press the key on which the first character of your numberplate resides Ei? Somebody give me a registration number of one of these cars That Ferrari, was it V12? V V! For T press 1, For U press 2 For V Nooo!! You gotta go through the whole numberplate, pressing hundreds of thousands of numbers! I promise faithfully, the other day I was in London, I used an entire charge Numberplate retype Shut up! I used an entire charge of battery Just to get halfway through the number and the battery died.
Had to go into a shop, buy a car charger, come back, then finally you get through a man that goes: "It's all right, the system doesn't work.
" He actually admitted it doesn't work, no one can do it.
We've got to do something about Ken Livingstone.
It's his fault.
- obviously - I have this plan Bring him down here, all right? And set fire to him.
Well, that's brilliant! That would do it! That would get rid of him Well, look.
Look! This is the problem we've got.
This You know we accidentally lit some pipes last week.
A bit A hysterical woman, who runs some hysterical organization, thin lips, the sort that take their own lunch to work, You know the sort? She got in touch and she pointed out, after having "DEMANDED an apology from the BBC" She pointed out that, you can't smoke anything now in the studio.
doesn't matter if it's herbal or tobacco, you're not allowed to.
which means it is now illegal to inhale the Mayor of London if he's on fire.
What if we turf him? Turf him? Is that some euphemism from those "special clubs" you go? You see a nice bloke in a leather hat, "I'd love to turf him.
" - It's not? - No! All right.
No, it isn't I'm thinking of that artist I can't remember his name, who turfs buildings and statues Where do you live?! He does it in London, he did it in the South Bank, we turf Ken Livingstone, stick him on a plynth, job done.
Oh, now, word of warning, You know you can now buy radar-guided cruise-control with your car.
First to test it was Mercedes, and I liked it very much.
The idea is you You set the cruise control Go along with the speed.
If a car pulls out along in front of you Your car sees it, slows you down to speed it's going, when it pulls over, you accelerate back up to the speed you selected, ok? I thought it was great, but I tried a Volvo this week.
What it does when it slows down when someone is apply the brakes and the brake lights come on.
Actually, putting the brakes to slow you down is very clever.
Nononono, you should never apply the brakes on a motorway.
- Well, it's - It's the brake lights what cause all the tailbacks, People who can't maintain a constant speed.
You know what I mean? Those people that drive I'm braking, I've accelerated too close, I'd had police marksmen shoot them in the head for doing that I have never braked on a motorway.
What if something's in the way? What if somebody swerves and you're going you You see them coming.
If it's an old Rover, you know it's being driven by a man with ears the size of a satellite dish, and you don't ever need to brake, you just prepare yourself.
Do you know the game, if you ever played the "I Have Never" game You think of things, you know, round the table, I've never never braked never bought anything in Marks&Spencer, And then if you're losing you go for the "I've never used a tampon.
" That's a winner I remember that, too.
I have.
You've used a tampon - Yeah.
- Are you sure? You know, spillage.
Oh, mate, what? I had a bit of an accident on the cooker once Sorry, this is getting worse! No, hear me out When you're boiling something, something with milk in it, and it, you know, it boiled over, and it goes in that bit of the back where you can't get your finger in, and if you don't clean it up If you don't clean that out it goes rancid and it smells forever.
You used tampons to clean a cooker?! 'Cos I couldn't get my finger in it! He doesn't have OCD! Listen, no You do have OCD! I don't! You know the bezel on the watch? You know the little arrow thing here? If I have it here, it's fine.
But if I put it round Ready? There It's like kryptonite.
Go back in the wrong position.
You can't you can't bear it if I haven't got that arrow Look! Do I say the other interesting thing about tampons? Seriously, if you've got Has anybody got like an old twin-cylinder motorcycle? Parallel twin.
You'll know this.
- You'll always get a little bit of oil - I WILL NOT! You will You'll get a little bit of oil that always leaks out through the seal, when you close it, and you can't get at it to mop it up.
Allright, you put a lilac on the end of a screwdriver Phillips, - Shake it gone.
- You carry them with you on a bandolier round like a Swcharzenegger arrangement, full of tampons just in case.
It's a new application for an existing technology.
- I'm adapting to - James, go away Watch out I can't stand that - Somebody - He can't bear it He honestly cannot bear it if I do that.
Anyway, pray silence now, please, for the most breathtaking car we've ever had here in our studio.
Here is the new Lamborghini Reventón.
No, it's Reventón.
No, no, Rebentón No, it's Reventón, I can prove it: It's got It's got a 'V': Reventón.
No, I know it's spelt with a V, but it's pronounced with a B.
Why? Don't know, they told us.
It's B: ReBentón.
Anyway, it has a 6.
5 litre V12 B12.
Yeah, whatever It can do Whateber Please, stop Stop, that's very annoying.
It can do 212 - Bery annoying - Leave it!! It is an awe-inspiring car.
It is, and honestly, I'm with you.
It's styled to look like an F-22 Raptor, you know, the new stealth fighter.
And it really does, it's This is what Lamborghini should be doing: Making cars where you just go Just fantastic! And it's not just on the outside, it's clever inside, too.
We've got some pictures here The dashboard is a thin liquid film transistor like you get on aircraft.
That's on car setting.
If we switch it now to aircraft setting Look at that! I want that in my life It's just covered in things you want! Round here, the rear lights, LEDs in little arrow shapes.
These enormous fans down here, behind these grilles.
And round here, the wheels.
They've got carbon fibre fins on them that act as a giant fan to suck in cold air to cool the brakes.
And just Just a fuel-filler cap, look at that! Couple of problems: One, they're only making 20, only one is coming to Britain.
The other thing is: 800,000 pounds.
That is quite a lot.
But with this you would get a lot of badge.
Badge? Think we got away with that So, let's move on to Ferrari.
Now, in the olden days, they used to build their racing cars with a lot of passion.
and enthusiasm, and then, on lap three, they would explode as often as not in a passionate and enthusiastic fireball.
But then, a few years ago, they started building their racing cars with science and Maths.
And since then, as we know, they've been top of the tree.
So now, Ferrari is putting science and Maths into its road cars as well This is the 599.
It has a six-litre V12 with variable valve timing on each of its four cams and magneto-rheological shock absorbers.
It has lights on the steering wheel telling you when to change gear and then there's the gearbox itself.
When I pull this paddle here, the clutch disengages, the cogs are swapped and the clutch re-engages, all in 100 milliseconds.
Ready Yeah, 100 milliseconds.
See that diffuser at the back? That's generating 165 kgs of downforce, That is That's about that much You can't even start this car in the normal way.
To get it off the line, you pull that paddle to put it in No! No.
You turn the traction control off, yeah, that's that done, then you pull this paddle, to put it in first.
Then you press the launch control button, Now the L's flashing, and then you put your left foot on the brake, build up the revs Then you take your foot off the brake That was hugely impressive.
But I'll let you into a little secret.
Launch control is primarily designed for fat, useless drivers to impress their friends with all the tyre smoke and so on.
There's another, quicker way of getting this car off the line.
Ferrari won't thank me for this, but what you do is: put it in Race OK? Then you hold this paddle down for two seconds.
There it is It says "Transmission Failure", but don't worry.
Left foot on the brake, don't turn the launch control on, build up the revs.
That's phenomenal.
The onboard computer's just got me from 0 to 60 in 3.
5 seconds.
5! in a car that weighs nearly two tons! More amazing still, in the time it takes a two-litre Mondeo to get from 0 to 60, the 599 will get you from 0 to 150! And then there's the way it goes round corners.
What I do in a normal fast car coming round here is brake turn in, you feel the grip, OK? And then you balance the throttle to hold it on the limit of grip, and then you call the tow truck to pull you out of the field.
In this, however, things are a little bit different.
I simply choose what sort of cornering I'd like to do with this little switch.
So, if I put it here I can make it do this.
Or if I put it here, I can make it do this.
Hold onto your spleen, everyone! Or if you're feeling brave and talented, you can turn the system off all together, in which case you'll corner like this.
Oh, dear! Big cloud of smoke! And then it stalls.
To be honest, I don't really like any of this electronic stuff.
I'm not the sort of person who spends his evening on Bebo or Myface, but I will admit when it all comes together, the effect is, um profound.
In short, this does for other cars what the laptop did for the typewriter.
And because it's so high-tech, it's easy to drive.
You might even imagine you could use a 599 for trips to the shops.
But not so fast on that one.
In the past, this was the natural stomping ground of the Ferrari, under a cover, in a garage and with good reason.
The 512 was too difficult and heavy to be used as an everyday car.
The Enzo has problems too.
It was only available with left-hand drive, so if you pulled up at a slightly oblique junction, you couldn't see what was coming.
The 599, though, looks as though it gets round these problems.
There's a parcel shelf in the back for your golf clubs.
Service intervals are every 12,500 miles and because the engine's in the front it has a big boot.
Don't, however, be fooled, because there are one or two little issues.
I took one of these out on the roads near where I live the other day and it was so wide I spent most of my time in the ditch or the hedge trying to avoid people coming the other way.
The headlights were like candles in jam jars, the automatic wipers turned themselves on every time it stopped raining, The air-conditioning system had a mind of its own it kept steaming up.
And the ambient lighting, designed to bathe the interior in a warm glow, lit the whole thing up like a battlefield.
You really couldn't buy a 599 to use every day.
More worryingly, though, I wouldn't buy one at all.
You see, if it's a car you can only really use on special occasions, you want it to feel special.
and somehow it doesn't.
Technically, it's brilliant.
I respect it hugely, in the same way that I respect the technology in my iPod, but I don't love it.
And that's why if I were gonna blow £185,000 on a Ferrari, I'd walk right past the 599 and get one of these: It's a Ferrari 275 GTS.
Even by the standards of the day, 1964, it was rubbish! The prop-shaft, for instance, that links the engine at the front to the gearbox at the back, was never aligned properly, so it'd wear out immediately.
And that was a good thing, actually, because it meant owners didn't have a chance to find out that the brakes were actually milk bottle tops.
They'd stop you once.
And, you know what? None of that matters, because, look at it It's 14 feet of almost nothing but passion and flair and style.
So when you drive it once a year, maybe, it makes you feel special.
The 599 is just a bucket-load of science and maths, this 275 is is what matters.
It's heart and soul.
Look at this.
It is amazing! As a technical exercise, As a technical exercise it's just astonishing.
The science and maths is phenomenal in it, it really is.
And would you really rather have that old 275? Honest to God, I really would.
Anyway, we must now find out how fast this car goes round our track.
Of course, that means handing it over to our tame racing driver.
Some say that he gets terrible eczema on his helmet and that if he'd been the video ref in the World Cup rugby final he would have seen that of course it was a try, you blind Australian halfwit! All we know is, he's called the Stig! And he's off! Lots of smoke there, mostly from the tortured clutch as Stig gives it the beans in the secret Launch mode! First corner.
He turns in hard.
The tyres squeal more roll than you might expect, actually Well that's That is a lot! 'A sixth-sensory person interacts with the world, witnessing energy in a detached mode.
Magneto-rheological dampers sport traction control off, stereo sadly on, though.
Tail just flicking out there, coming into the Hammerhead Very hard on the brakes.
Almost beat the ABS there.
That's a big drift! This may be a V12 Pentium Processor, but God, it can dance! Use that energy to be more giving, more supportive and more effective.
Right, now the full fury of that Enzo engine.
Here it goes.
Powers through the Follow-through, through the tyres.
That is quick, but is it supercar quick or will the 599 softer GT side slow it down? Coming up to Gambon now.
Super tidy through there.
And across the line! Got to remember that we're talking here about a car that weighs nearly two tons, leather seats, air conditioning, big boot and it did it faster than a Ford GT.
1 minute 22.
2 That is truly staggering.
But now we must move on, because it's time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
My guest tonight holds an amazing record.
He has been seen in the flesh by more people than anyone else in the history of humankind.
And that is because he is a member of a band called the Rolling Stones.
Ladies and gentlemen, Ronnie Wood! Can't believe this.
Hello, mate.
Staggering! All right? I'm very well, how are you? Good.
I guess, um I guess you must be unnerved by a crowd as big as this.
I know, I know 500 people here.
It's nice to be intimate.
It's not intimate, this is huge! Is this true? Cos we were working out the other day What do you get on an average tour these days? How many people come? Oh, God Um Many millions.
I reckon more people than the Pope.
The Pope is nothing Can't see the Pope singing Satisfaction, let's be honest.
Now, I've got to get straight to business here.
You look at the Stones, you've all got good hair.
How can you have known that when you all got together? Well, none of us wanted to be in Fleetwood Mac.
Hair's an important thing why is you know Must be the gypsy blood! I know you're the first member of your family to be born on dry land, is that right? Yeah, me and my two brothers, all the rest of the family right back down to the 1700s that I traced so far were all born on the water.
You all were on - canals rather than? - Yeah, on the canals.
I didn't realise that gipsies were born I thought they were born in caravans, not in narrowboats.
I've got a caravan for the dry land bit.
You're kidding! You've still got a caravan? Yeah, I got a few one in the front and one in the back garden.
Would you like us to destroy them? No, I can do that myself.
Honestly, we would be even better than you at destroying them.
Now, you've got a book out.
- Which is called - Da-dah! You've brought one with you It's called Ronnie.
The one thing, having read it, that fascinates me is, how are you still alive? Good question.
How did you do it? Every single thing that's ever happened in your life would have killed anybody else.
The drugs, the fights even in the early days, when you were with Jeff Beck Yeah, the escapes, the escapes oh, my God, from some motorway café.
- What, the Blue Boar days? - Yeah.
Cos all the bands used to meet there after doing gigs, at the Blue Boar, on the M1.
We would ahm be sitting there at the shank of the evening and outside you could see the gangs gathering, you know, and they're going, "We'll have that lot, in the end" - The mods and rockers gangs? - Yeah! And we didn't know which one was gonna attack us, We had to pretend to be on both sides, and also get out of there and make our escape so we had to jump into the car through the window, into the back The full Dukes of Hazzard through the window? Yeah, just the window was luckily wound down because they'd come at you with with baseball bats and whatever other sticks and nails and stuff they could get their hands on.
And Jeff would get behind the driver's seat, and one against the petrol pump, another one against the wall Boom, boom, get out! So Jeff Beck's not only an amazing guitarist, but he's also a getaway driver? He is.
Oh yeah.
This is one of the things I noticed in your friend list, in your book, it's looking at your friends, you've met people like John Belushi, Hendrix All those people they're not exactly a Methodist Bible group.
Which brings us round to our dearly departed friend, Keith Moon, God bless him.
Driving up the steps, straight through the plate glass window and saying, "Could I have my room key, please?" You saw him do that? Yeah, and he pitched a tent in the lobby of the Beverley Wiltshire in Hollywood because they wouldn't let him in, so he said, "I'm staying anyway.
" Oh, look, that's proper There's none of that you wouldn't see Daniel Bedingfield doing that.
What's your record for staying up? 6 days, 6 nights With a concert after everyone.
We would play Madison Square Garden, Keith and I would say, "Well, we might as well make a laugh of it" Let's go down to the studio with Eric Clapton, Let's go down to Electric Lady", so we'd do that every night We'd say, "There's no point in going to bed now, we'll be on in a few more hours".
So that went on second day, third day, Fourth day I said, "Keith, I'm going to rest now" "Nobody sleeps while I'm awake" So we did the extra two days and, before we knew it We had a nice two days' kip.
That's just fantastic And then there was also, not only the danger, obviously, of touring and staying up, Keith Richards obviously was armed a lot of the time as well Yeah, before the good old days of the terrorists, at the airports, you used to be able to carry a piece on with you Did Keith ever shoot anybody or anything? He'd shoot between somebody's legs that he was mad at in his room once, And it went through the ceiling and disturbed an old people's card game in the room below.
Why do we all have the jobs we have? Why aren't we all in bands? Didn't he shoot somebody's guitar once? Yeah, which turned out to be his own guitar! He thought it was Mick's, and he was mad at Mick and said, I'll shoot his guitar So he got a pillow, And I said to a roadie, "Oh, what we're gonna tell Mick?" He said, "Don't worry, he borrowed it from Keith anyway" Reading the book I was thinking, OK, you lived through that, you lived through the fights, you lived through the 60s and the mods and the rockers, you lived through the drugs, you lived through all the drink.
But when you taped over your wedding video, Why did you have to bring that out for? Nearly an early divorce.
Did you actually kill him for that? You nearly did.
It's only the last bit of it, you know in the old days with videos, you'd hit STOP and it would go back about Yeah a foot, or something So We're getting into Joe singing "And then he kissed me" at the wedding reception.
and then suddenly, ??? Ok, now, there's one thing that I think we all have in our heads, really about the Stones is that you have absolutely no idea about how the world works any more You just live in this incredible separate existance.
Is that the case or are you in touch with how the world goes? Well, it is difficult being on tour and you know, going to the office with a police escort and private planes, and It's pretty hard to adjust, coming off.
I just find it so very difficult to imagine a Rolling Stone Can't imagine Mick driving a car.
I can't imagine him knowing what the levers where for.
I can't see Charlie driving, either, Has he got a driving license? No.
Oh, he hasn't.
So he's got no cars.
He owns a wonderful Lagonda.
He's got a collection of rare old cars and he likes to hear the sound of the engine, but not rev it up.
Don't like to rev it up.
Or go anywhere in it.
He gets suits made of the same design as the car, you know, it's sort of maroon and grey, with stripes and something, and sits in it, He's an eccentric.
I love the idea of being him, You're just so I do have, In Ireland I do have my old 6.
3 Mercedes An old one? Yeah, 97, yeah.
Huge, really good looking.
beautiful? With hydraulic - seats and boot-lid and everything? - Yeah.
That's a lovely car, what else have you got? I've got an old Chevrolet 2-seater with dickie seats.
and wooden spoke wheels.
from the 1920s.
Though it really didn't set you up in any way for the Chevrolet that we provided you with today to do the lap.
Is that what it was? Chevrolet Lacetti! Oh! How was it out on the on the circuit? It was fantastic, by the time I did my last lap, I thought, "I could get into this!" Who'd like to see the lap? Play the tape, here we go! Hello, come on, let's go! Ronnie Wood in our Chevrolet.
We gotta think lap times here.
The slowest one ever! Let's have a look.
Is that slow? No, it is not.
Better than Jools Holland.
That was nice.
You need to for that corner.
That's looking good as well.
Come on! You old crate! You do need to brake again there.
Liking the braking while understeering, nice and tidy.
Go on, Ronnie, go on, go on! Going into this one nice and fast.
I'm loving this.
This one even faster.
Bloody hell, that is quick! I'll hit this nice too.
I really didn't think you'd be able to do this.
I thought you'd just get lost and not know your name.
It's the last corner again and there he is across the line, everybody! I didn't spin off! I'm staggered! I am genuinely amazed at that.
I'm still shaken.
But you liked it? Yeah, adrenaline.
That's great.
So, where do you think you've come on our lap times board? Even if I came last, I just enjoyed the hell out of it.
Sweet man, but you didn't come last.
Not even close.
You did it in 1 minute 49.
4 seconds.
You, mate, are right Quicker than Jools.
Where's Helen Mirren's name on there? Helen Mirren is there, 1.
Well, that has just been the best fun having you on, honestly.
Ladies and gentlemen, Ronnie Wood! Now, over the years, technology has done a great deal to help old people.
It's given them the Stannah Stairlift, the electric tin opener and the rubberised undersheet.
But there's never been anything to help old people park until now! 'Cause this Lexus LS600 can park itself.
Now, here's basically how it works.
At the back of the car, there are sensors in the bumper that know where its extremes are.
There's a tiny little camera here that looks behind and when Hammond presses a little button on the screen, it will reverse and steer itself into that spot.
Yup, it's that easy.
I just engage reverse gear, I can see the cameras here, I press some buttons and stuff and then it parks! Here goes! This is gonna go well.
Hammond, I'm sorry to interrupt but this is the instruction book that I have here, ok? for this command system.
All of that is for the park assist.
You think you can do it without reading it? Well All right, go on, see if I care.
Go on then, go on then.
I don't do anything, I just take my foot off the brake, yeah? Yeah, you take your foot off the brake, and then it goes.
I'm not doing anything, I'm not doing anything, I'm not doing anything! It's just the car! I'm not! Oh, bugger! No! Stop! Stop! You've hit the cool wall! Well, it's new technology Has anyone got any reading glasses? I can't read this damn book.
Thanks, I promise I'll pay you back.
I've got a green light and I've hit OK.
And, er, right.
If I put my foot on the brake, it slows it down.
Yes, yes! No! No! No, no, no, no, no! The Cool Wall again! I think we set the radar wrong.
We've got to read the book! "A equals B, is less than C" "(A and B are equally far away)" How can old people understand this? Jeremy? What? James? Yes.
Both of you, is the green square important? BOTH: Yes! - What does that green square mean? - It's where you go! Oh, I put that in the cool wall! Ah, I've moved it, I've moved it! It's in the right place now.
So that's where I go.
- Here I go! - He's going, he's going I've got it, I'm not touching anything.
Please, turn.
Please, God, turn! Turn it the other way! - No, I can't touch it! - Turn it the other way! - The car has to do it.
- It's doing it! The car has to do it.
That's nearly in! That's parked! That is nearly there.
Ladies and gentlemen, give the car that nearly did it a round of applause.
And the really tremendous thing about this is: this car is £83,000.
The old age pension at the moment is £87.
30, which means if you save all your money, do without food and warmth, you will be able to buy one of these in just 18 years.
Who says we don't do sensible consumer advice on this show? And there's more.
Because as the country becomes more and more crowded, and the environmentalists become more and more noisy, it makes more and more sense than ever to have a small car.
There are lots to choose from.
I've got a selection here: Volkswagen Polo, Suzuki Swift quite nice, actually and the Citroen C1.
The trouble is none of these cars are really small.
They are in fact MASSIVE.
40 years ago, car makers could sell you something much smaller: the original Mini, for example, or the bubble car.
But even these aren't small.
Not really.
Not compared to this: the Peel P50.
That is 54 inches long and 41 inches wide.
It's listed in the Guinness Book of Records as the smallest production car ever.
And what I'm sure you're expecting me to do now is introduce Richard Hammond.
But what I'm ACTUALLY going to do is drive it to work.
All, erm, 6'5" of me.
No, that's not gonna work.
I'll have to Hang on.
Leg first and then Yes! Built on the Isle of Man in the early '60s, the P50 was said to be almost cheaper than walking.
It cost £198 and did 100 miles to the gallon.
It sounds perfect then, for the roads of today.
Of course, there are one or two drawbacks.
I can't imagine, for instance, that it's terribly safe, not when your knees are the crumple zones.
And nor is it very fast.
What I've got down here by my right knee, in the cabin, making an awful lot of noise and generating quite a bit of heat is the 49cc engine from a moped.
Top speed rather depends on how big you are and, erm actually how much you had for breakfast.
Realistically, even the skinniest, shortest chap with the whitest of teeth will struggle to get past 35? There's something else I've just thought of as well.
I have to pay congestion charge in this in this part of London, but the camera crew in the Lexus 4x4 don't, because it's a "hybrid".
How fair is that? It's not like I'm creating any pollution at all.
The Peel, then, is not only a handy way of getting TO work, but it's also pretty practical when you get there.
Normally, the BBC make you moor up in an underground car park, but the bays are only big enough for ethnic peace bicycles and fairtrade G-Wizzes.
Because this is smaller than an ethnic peace bicycle, I don't have to worry about parking at all.
The great thing about a car this small is that it's very light, which means that when you get to work, you just pick it up and carry it inside.
Morning! In the Top Gear office, the team were keen to know more about the P50.
I give you the future, young men and women! The Peel P50.
I think it's 4.
5 horsepower.
You know those Little Tykes cars that all kids have got? That's exactly the same - one door.
I have never seen the Top Gear team so enthusiastic about any car.
"Lads, I put a Koenigsegg down in the car park Oh, right.
" "I've got a new Ferrari there.
" "Not interested.
" This Even John Humphrys dropped by for a look.
Hammond No Well, can't you just clean them? Really, £4,000 to whiten them? 4,000 quid? You've white? No, well, I'll stick with the yellow ones.
Take care! Bye.
Who's got the car? That's fantastic! Who's stolen the car? God, the power under this bonnet! It's impressive! Ah, Clarkson, you've met your match here with me.
Please don't just steal our things.
D'you mind? Thanks very much.
Jolly nice of you.
Soon, I was summoned to an important BBC meeting.
Most of the people going would be walking, but I was running late, and decided to use the car.
'Doors closing.
' 'Fourth floor.
' Fiona Bruce is standing here, the newsreader.
'Ground floor.
' Sorry, Fiona, could you give me a push? A push out? Please, cos it's got no reverse gear, so Thank you! Shall I leave you right there? This is fine, thanks.
She has got quite a nice bottom.
I said that out loud, didn't I? After a short drive, I arrived at BBC Television Centre.
Unfortunately though, this is the most complicated building in the world.
I've worked at the BBC for 20 years and I still don't know where I'm going.
Tomorrow's World was cancelled, not because the programme wasn't interesting any more, but simply because Judith Hann was lost in here.
Remember John Noakes, Peter Purves from Blue Peter? They're in here somewhere, lost Hello, can anyone help? Thanks! Which department's this? I'm really lost now.
"Talks with Government ministers about how to handle the number of claims that have resulted from last month's floods The total bill is estimated at about £1.
5b Mark Simpson is here" Sorry! Sorry, everyone! Sorry! Eventually, though, I made it to the top-level BBC seminar.
I believe we've already made significant inroads into the implementation of an open and inclusive policy for the ethnocentrically homogenous objectives of this department.
But I'd like to say that climate change is the biggest threat EVER to face the peoples of this world.
And minimising our carbon footprint through the functional usage is a key responsibility of anyone who uses a photocopier.
I hope that in this session we can discuss and address Sadly the meeting went on for so long, that there was no time left in the day for any programme-making.
for the ethnocentrically So I headed home.
I really do think that today I have seen the future.
And it comes from 1963.
This Peel P50 really is absolutely brilliant.
If it had a reverse gear, I would describe it as the absolute ultimate, really, of personal mobility.
That's Dermot Murnaghan! Oi! It is! Murnaghan! Murnaghan! Oh! Thanks! Thanks for that! Sorry We really have a very big problem at the BBC with newsreaders.
Just the other day we were in the canteen, Paxman came through on a Harley Davidson.
They're out of control! Is this the best car we've ever had on Top Gear? Yes! Honestly, I think it's genuinely astonishing! But I think I can now go one better! Because, ladies and gentlemen, I'm able to reveal there is a sports version of this car! Who'd like to see it? Here we go! Look at that! It's just staggering! It's "The Jetsons" I just want one of those.
That is That would be my perfect two-car garage.
Yeah Now, a year ago, Jeremy raced James and me from Italy to London.
James and I in his ridiculous aeroplane, and Jeremy in a Bugatti Veyron.
And, annoyingly, he won.
Then we heard from a bunch of aeroplane enthusiasts called the RAF.
They said, "Why don't you come up to our place and we've got a plane "that'll give your car a run for its money.
" And, well since I'm the only one who hasn't yet driven the Bugatti Veyron, I took up the challenge.
Yes, the 1,000 horsepower legend is back and, if I'm honest, I'm a bit nervous.
Not because of the car itself, but because of the burden that now rests on my shoulders.
When Jeremy drove the Veyron, all he had to beat was an incompetent James in a useless little aeroplane.
Then when James went to Germany and maxed it, the car didn't even break sweat.
But this time, the Veyron's honour really is at stake because never before has it gone up against something like this.
The most modern, the most hi-tech strike fighter on the planet.
The Eurofighter Typhoon.
And for once, when it comes to figures, the Bugatti really is well and truly top-trumped.
Its twin engines develop 20,000lb of thrust each, punching the Eurofighter up to 65,000ft and a top speed of over 1,500mph.
This machine is the cutting edge of what a plane can do.
It's actually designed to be aerodynamically unstable to make it as agile as possible in a dogfight.
So it needs 70 computers to keep it in the air, and if they fail, it would simply fall out of the sky.
It's a kind of a mix of science fiction and brute strength.
These wings, for example, have to be able to take the stresses and strains of all those extreme, high-speed manoeuvres.
They might look slim and dainty, but each one can take the weight of 35 Volkswagen Golfs.
All in all, a handy bit of kit, as you'd expect, at £67m a pop.
Faced with the clear and present danger of the Eurofighter, the Bugatti Veyron really is the car world's best shot at clinging to some honour.
And no-one knows what the outcome will be.
In fact, Bugatti's so concerned, they've sent over not one, but two Veyrons.
Maybe they're gonna tie them together or something.
The shoot-out will take place here: on the main runway at RAF Coningsby in Lincolnshire.
And here's the challenge: it's a horizontal versus vertical drag race over two miles.
Here's the start-finish line and the car and the plane.
Yeah, It's difficult to get hold of models of a Veyron and a Eurofighter.
Both start from here, the car will race down the runway for a mile, when it reaches the mile marker, turn, as quickly as possible, and then race back down, over the same mile, to cross the start-finish line here.
Meanwhile, the plane will set off, and take off as quickly as possible, and cover a mile vertically.
When it's done the mile, it turns and swoops back down the same mile to cross the start-finish line.
Or to crash into a £1m supercar it didn't expect to see and YouTube has a field day.
Otherwise, last one to finish is a vegetarian.
Simple as that.
Now, you might think the plane is going to walk it.
But don't be so sure.
The car should have the edge off the line.
It will do nought to 100 in 5.
7 seconds, for God's sake.
And when it gets to these yellow dots, which mark the mile point where it has to turn around, the Veyron has another advantage.
Down here, its awesome brakes should come into play.
And then there's the air brake as well, which on its own generates the same stopping power as you'd get in a normal hatchback.
A straight line is a straight line.
So the car does what it does there.
But up here, I've got to brake as late as possible, and lose as little time as possible making the turn, before the return mile.
so I reckon it'll be won or lost here at this end.
Traction control off, gearbox to manual, launch control, left foot on brake, give it the full beans on the throttle This is it.
'Stand by one, give me 20 seconds.
' As drag races go, you will agree, this is quite a good one.
We are away! We're neck and neck! I'm getting away! I can't believe I'm looking in Wow!! I can feel the wash from the jet! And there it goes! So I'm fighting for the Germans in a battle against the RAF! If you're watching thinking, "This is cool" It is.
After just 18 seconds I was doing 188mph and getting ready to brake for the mile turn.
That's as late as I dare.
This is where it's won or lost.
I'm on the return mile now.
This is the best race in history! If I mess this up, I may as well get a paper out.
I was doing 196mph but was it enough? I must still be ahead, I can't see the plane.
NO-O-O-O-O!!! Nooo! I suspect I may get some abuse for this.
You failed! You are a vegetarian and you failed and you're useless.
Yes Gotta admit though, it IS quite a car.
Oh, it is staggering, but what a plane! And here is the guy who flew it: Squadron Leader Jim Walls.
Must have been terrifying.
Well, it was, because Not you, him! Had to wake up that morning, "What am I doing today?" "Oh, Richard Hammond's coming, he's driving a fast car in a straight line on a runway in the North!" He's not gonna go, "Can I do nuclear war instead?" So, well done, mate, fantastic.
Next week we are in Africa, for a Top Gear special.
The three of us are trying to drive across the spine of the continent in three ordinary, used, 2WD road cars.
It is worth watching, trust me.
See you then, Good night!