Top Gear (2002) s13e01 Episode Script

Train, Jaguar, and Motorbike Race

UK as we look at the outlook for Tonight, Richard tries to start Your applause is very kind because since we were last here, In order to reflect that doom and despondency, we obviously had to make some changes in this series.
So coming up now, what we have is a- taster of what you can expect, some of the down-to-earth real-world stuff, over the next seven weeks.
Get out of my way, Frenchists! How is that happening?! They're hot for James May right now.
What do we want? Aston Martin! Dear God! Do you actually do anything to your hair? Well, I wash it.
They're turning my car into a colander.
What a pillock.
Sand! I mended something! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah, we messed that up, yeah Yeah, OK, we got We got that a bit wrong, cos basically we drew up a list of all the things we're not supposed to do and then we just did that list of things.
Yeah, but why not? We don't to doom and gloom, we do fun and games.
That's exactly right.
So let's get on with this letter, which we have received.
It says, "Dear Top Gear, what would- your programme have been like "if you were making it 60 years ago?" Simple.
Exactly the same.
You join us in 1949 for a race.
It's between the fastest car in the world, the Jaguar XK120, the fastest bike in the world, the Vincent Black Shadow, and this.
This Peppercorn A1 Pacific Class steam locomotive is not the fastest train in the world.
But because it was completed only three years ago, weirdly, it is the most modern train working in Britain today.
So, the race.
We would start at King's Cross in London and finish 400 miles away at the bar of the Balmoral Hotel in Edinburgh.
The train would go on LNER's East Coast line, while the car and bike would go up the Great North Road, because it's 1949 and motorways haven't been invented yet.
So all we had to do now was decide who'd go in what.
Is this one of your special hats? No.
Do you wear just this hat and nothing else sometimes? Just pick a piece of paper.
Come on, Hammond, you go first.
That's the label.
Oh God, yes.
And? I've got I've got the bike! There is a God.
There is a God! That wouldn't really have worked.
No, it wouldn't.
Ready? May I? Aww What do you mean, "Aww"? I'm on the train.
I wanted to go on the train.
I certainly didn't want to go on the train, because the Black Shadow was my boyhood dream bike.
I mean, as any biker will tell you, this thing is an icon.
Just as all heavy-metal can trace its roots back to Led Zeppelin, all modern superbikes can trace their roots back to this.
This is Genesis.
It really is that important.
It's going to be an honour to ride it.
If I'm honest, I'm absolutely chuffed to bits to be going in the car, especially an XK120, because this is the car that made Jaguar.
When it was launched, it was the fastest car in the world - it did 126! And yet, it was incredibly good value because it was £1,200, which in today's money, is about 35 grand.
So you got a Bugatti Veyron for the price of a middling 5 Series.
It's magnificent.
As the others drooled, I was in for a shock.
Hi there, how are you? Hi there, how are you.
Nice to see you.
So, is that where I'm driving it? Unfortunately, no.
You're the other side.
You've got the fire.
What, I'm shovelling the coal? 'I'd be shovelling a lot of coal - 'eight tonnes of it.
' But even so, at exactly 7.
23 and a bit, the race began.
Go! STEAM WHISTLE BLOWS I've got to get changed! I'll do that now.
IGNITION FIRES Jesus! Absolute piece of cake.
Obviously, Hammond has to go and put his leather romper suit on.
I've had to turn a key and press a button and I'm off.
What a great idea the car was.
What's the top speed of an A1? We're limited to 75.
Why don't we do 100? They'll never know.
Are there speed cameras? Yes.
Finally, I was in my leathers and ready to go.
However, starting a Vincent is quite-tricky if you're a biterm, small.
It's a straight six, beautifully balanced ENGINE SPLUTTERS This engine in one form or another remained in production until the mid-80s, that's how good it was.
All Vincent Black Shadows came with a bloke in a black leather jacket to start it, rather than just press a button, which is so ordinary.
There's no sense of occasion.
ENGINE STARTS At race speed, the train needed 33lbs of coal every mile.
Feeding it was a massive job.
Oh no, I'm rubbish, I'm worse than rubbish! The fact is that Jeremy Clarkson, on this journey, is a stoker.
I should think he'll be dead by the end of the platform.
It's so hot! So noisy! If you want to know what it's like in here, get under your stairs at home during an earthquake and spend eight hours looking at your central heating system.
Come on, coming through.
Black Shadow coming through 'At last, I was on the move.
' When this thing was born ENGINE SLOWS Oh no! Oh, oh God.
A temporary glitch.
I, meanwhile, was praying for a breakdown.
But this was unlikely.
The A1s, in the 1940s, could do 250 miles a day, every day.
They can do 150,000 miles between services.
They were phenomenally reliable.
That's just enough steam to get us about another five miles.
Oh, you BLEEP! Yeah, yeah, thank you! At last, again, I was on the move.
OK, a few things to get used to - the gear lever is on the other side of the bike.
So at the moment, every time I wantto break, I'm changing gear instead and if I want to change gear, I'm breaking.
It's not ideal.
The brakes are the originals and surprisingly good.
The only trouble is they're full of asbestos.
Already, viewers, I'm at the beginning of the A1.
Lovely, lovely, lovely.
Everything's lovely in Jagworld.
The train, however, was doing even better.
Where are we? Just gone through Potters Bar, so the M25.
We've been under way 13 minutes and already we're at where the M25 would be if it had been built, which it hasn't.
Though the train had opened up a big lead, it would need to stop four times on the journey for water.
That would take time.
Steam engines.
They're beautiful things, they're romantic, the technology is fascinating, but they were already 20, 30 years out of date by 1949.
It's all doomed.
The car is the future.
People can see it already.
We've got a problem.
We've got a problem! With what? We have a problem.
We've got a steam leak somewhere, we don't know where.
A leak? If the car had any problems, they weren't from 1949 - they were from 2009.
Temporary 40mph speed limit enforced by average speed cameras.
No-one working! Finally, on the A1, the Vincent wasunleashed and hunting down the Jag.
I am now straddling my boyhood hero.
- No, no, wait.
That's not right.
Between my legs No.
No, my point is, think what this was like 50 years ago! There was everybody else, tootling around in Austins and Fords and God knows whatever dreary nonsense, and you comeharing along on a 125mph superbike.
This was so far beyond anything else.
In fact, the Black Shadow remained the fastest production bike in the world until 1973.
To fix our steam leak, we needed to get to our water stop in Grantham ahead of schedule.
We had to fly and that wasn't going to be easy.
You are now climbing to 25 miles.
What, climbing? Yeah, it's uphill for the next 25 miles.
Keeping this thing at top speed while going uphill meant the shovelling would be torture.
Black Shadow, coming through.
Traffic jams.
Bad for the Jag, great for the bike.
Where are you, May? My legs are like jelly! Eight hours of shovelling and plumbing.
'If the shovelling didn't get me, the back draft of soot in the tunnels would.
' Seat's nice, smells nice, view's nice, noise is nice.
Morning, moderners.
Meanwhile, far behind This is what the Black Shadow was built to deal with.
Continual, heavy drizzle.
Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.
I love the bike, it's still my hero.
Steve McQueen had one, you know.
On the train, my furious shovelling- up the hill had produced results.
Here's the deal.
We're due into Grantham at 9.
07 - It's actually 9 o'clock on the dot.
We've got to be out of this station- by 9.
So we've got 17 minutes to refill it with water.
We need 4,000 gallons.
4,000 gallons.
And fix that pipe.
And, of course, while we were stationary, the others would be catching up.
Come on.
We are in the world's fastest car.
Peasant! I still ride bikes because it's a bit naughty.
And this, the Vincent Black Shadow, come on, it's the naughtiest of them all.
It is just a comic book character.
Raif Montague-Smythe had a deadlysecret.
For he was the Black Shadow.
That's funny(!) 'As the water flooded in, I took some time to inspect this incredible machine, 'which has been made because no-one ever thought to preserve one of the original Peppercorns.
' Then, one day, someone found the original designs in a skip in York.
£3 million was raised and this is the result.
It took them 19 years to build it.
And every single piece had to be made by hand.
I mean, look at this beautiful RSJ.
You know, if somebody rang me up and said, "Can you make a spring that goes in there "that's exactly the same as the one- that was fitted in the '40s, by hand, and for next to nothing.
" It's an exquisite thing.
And another six hours running.
I tell you what, I'll be fitter when I get there.
I'm sure you will be.
Fitter than I've ever been in my life.
Or you'll be dead.
Well, if I do, listen, fling me on the fire.
Use me as fuel to beat Hammond and May.
With the water loaded and the leak fixed, I rang James.
May, how you doing? I'm about 30 miles from Grantham.
You are history, May.
You are history.
You're in the lead but not for long, mate.
Trouble is, I'd have to stop for fuel, only I didn't know when.
Now, this is worrying.
The owner of this car has told me that when the petrol gauge reads a quarter full, it's actually empty and it's going to stop.
And I've suddenly noticed that it's taken a bit of a dive and it's about that much above quarter.
At the next service station, I chickened out and pulled in.
That's already up to £13, 10 shillings and sixpence.
In 1949, you could buy a house for that.
'Inflation wasn't my biggest problem, though.
' Ha! I do believe I'm now in the lead.
Ha-ha, ha-ha! Because the Jag drinks fuel.
That was a disaster.
Come on, come on, come on.
The game of leapfrog between the car and the bike was now on.
But could either of us bring down the mighty Tornado? We just saw a sign.
We've got this one in the bag.
APPLAUSE Like I said Exactly the same.
1949, exactly the same.
Same old, same old.
And we shall pick that up later on, but now it is time to do the news.
As we know, to try and shore up the car industry, the Government announced that if you scrap your old Singer Gazelle, you get £2,000 off the price of a new car.
Why is it just cars? What are you suggesting? "Dear Government, I've just found some rancid bacon in my fridge.
"Can I have a big pile of money to buy a shiny new lobster?" Would it work for dogs? Cos when your dog's getting oldand incontinent and you have to Peter Mandelson's going to come round and put your dog to sleep? He's not going to put it to sleep, he's going to kill it.
Technically, yeah, that's what ityeah.
Any vets here? Cos, you know You are a vet? No, a vet student.
A vet student? Well, be careful because I found out the other day vets have one of the highest suicide rates in the world.
And I know why.
It's because, when you have children who love animals, they always say, "I want to be a vet when I grow older," OK? Then they discover when they become a vet all they do is drive around the countryside all day, executing puppies.
That's all you'll do.
So, in fact, according to that theory, the only people who should be allowed to be vets are children who hate animals.
You like animals? You're going to spend your life just boof.
"Here little girl.
Is this your puppy?" Boof.
There it is.
Have you chosen your weapon yet? What are you going to use? I'd have two in holsters.
Yeah! Or a croquet mallet for somebody's tortoise that's not well.
We're going to put her off.
Work hard and become a vet.
Just don't kill yourself.
I thought vets had the highest suicide rate because they're the only people allowed to have pistols.
What's pistols got to do with it? Cos it's easier.
Than what? I've only got a shotgun and it's quite long.
You know, you've got to get your toe in it.
If you had a pistol, you'd have shot yourself by now? Oh, years ago.
Vet! I'm sorry but we have gone off topic slightly.
Back to Top Gear.
Can I talk about a car again? Yes, go.
News of a new Skoda.
Here it is.
A version of the Fabia.
They've called it the Scout, so presumably it comes with a 10p piece, a bit of string in the glove box, and pitches up on your doorstep once- a year to ask for a pound to clean itself.
I suppose every summer it goes off and stays in the countryside somewhere and is touched inappropriately? No, no, James No, no, James That's the Skoda Catholic Church.
Now, we've gone off topic again, haven't we? Quite badly, yes.
Now, we have some bad news.
Dacia Sandero? Not the Dacia Sandero.
Worse news.
The Peel P50 is no longer the smallest car in the world.
Oh, no(!) How will that affect us all, in any way at all? You know those little kiddy cars that do that in motorway service stations if you put 10p in them? A man has taken one of those, put an engine in it and created this.
Wow! LAUGHTER I presume you mean the one on the right, not the Honda! Now, the only problem is he hasn't really left enough space in it for him.
He's trapped himself, Locked in a tomb! It must be scary driving along, only knowing where you are by things that have gone past.
And slightly to the side.
I heard that.
I can't even be bothered to look.
I can't even be bothered to look.
We didn't say anything about, "Richard Hammond's ideal car.
" Who said that? Now somebody back there has.
Big fella here with the tattoos.
Getting off topic, just for a moment.
I was driving here this morning and I noticed that my Mercedes said on the dashboard.
"Your service is due.
" I just thought, how Germanic and boring is that? It's very precise.
Then I was thinking, what's going to happen on the 27th day when, inevitably, I still haven't had it serviced? MOCK GERMAN ACCENT: "Cooler, three veeks.
" LAUGHTER It's funny you should say this, because my little Fiat's overdue for a service.
I was driving along and all of a sudden this picture of a spanner appeared on the dashboard.
That's what it's calling you.
"You are a spanner.
" Is that what it is? So if I continue to ignore it like I am doing, it turns into a picture of the end of a bell or what? A map of Tasmania.
A big picture of a male chicken.
Now, last of all, I want to mention this.
Land Rover has launched a mobile phone which they say is as tough as their vehicles.
I've got a picture of it here.
There you go.
What I want to know is why is it covered in diarrhoea? LAUGHTER It is.
Look at it.
That is unquestionably excrement.
Maybe they're trying to say it's tough enough to survive a trip through your digestive system and still be Oh, my God.
Look who's digestive system.
Sir Ranulph Fiennes.
Can we get this on here? It's actually Ranulph Fiennes' diarrhoea.
It's been through him.
What he's actually saying is, "I was all bunged up "until the phone came out, and thatwas it, it opened the floodgates.
" Look at all this! You can see he's just come back from Nepal.
He's in a lake of poo! That explains his pained expression.
Look at that.
Oh, dear.
Do you think he passed the Land Rover as well? Oh my giddy aunt, he did, he ate his Land Rover.
Anyway, that is it.
Let's get a picture of Ranulph Fiennes' excrement off the screen because I want to move on.
See, the thing is, when you're eight, everybody wants a supercar.
But you can never really afford one- until you are 58, by which time your skeleton is too old and too creaky to get inside.
There has never been a comfortable supercar.
Bit like a comfortable guided missile.
Until now.
This is a new Lotus.
It's called the Evora.
While that makes it sound like a ladies dress shop in Harrogate, it presses all the right supercar buttons.
The engine is in the middle It's low It's swoopy and it's as agile as a water boatman in a kettle.
Woo-hoo! Ha-ha-ha! What a car! Even by supercar standards, this is fantastic.
Properly, properly fantastic.
Right, I want to go in that direction, now I want to go in that direction, now I want to go there.
This is amazing.
This is handling by telepathy.
I'm not steering now, I'm simply using the power of suggestion.
There we go Where this differs from a normal supercar, though, is what happens when you crash.
O-o-oh, no! A-a-argh Oh This is not so bad.
This car is so comfortable, that when you crash off the road and end up in a field full of buttercups, it doesn't really matter.
You barely notice.
If I were in a Ferrari now, driving off-road, my skeleton would be disintegrating.
My torso, well, it would just become a big bag of mush.
But in this, the suspension is absorbing the knocks, not me.
Where is the track? It is extraordinary that a car which is soft enough to do this .
is hard enough to do this.
It's unbelievably good.
It's the only car I've ever driven,- ever, which is a killer attack dog and an old sofa.
That makes it perfect for the Saga-lout.
And there's more good news.
There are seats in the back for your grandchildren.
Although they'll have to adopt the lotus position to get in.
We have a boot which is big enough for all your cat food requirements, even if your cat is a tiger.
I know what you're thinking now, you're thinking, "Hang on a minute.
"If the seats are here and the boot's here and the front "is all full of mechanical witchcraft, "where have they put the engine?" Well, I'll tell you.
It's about here.
The average supercar has a massive V1,000,000 engine that takes up all the space, but the ladies' dress shop uses a small V6 from the car you used to have - A Toyota Camry.
So it's not the most powerful car in the world and its not, surprisingly, the lightest.
Which means, of course, it isn't the fastest either.
to reach the top speed, which apparently is 163.
Talk among yourselves.
That's 140 and it's time to brake.
They're good.
They're very good.
The thing is, though, it's a good engine.
It sounds meaty- without being deafening.
It's torquey too, and it's very economical.
You should get 30 miles to the gallon.
There are some drawbacks, though.
The interior may be spacious and light but it appears to have been put together by someone who thinks a Porsche is the bit that sticks out from the front of your house.
Everything sounds and feels a bit tinny.
And there's more.
All you can see in the dials is a reflection of whatever weather happens to be prevailing at the time.
The buttons appear to be the result of some primary school painting competition and the sat nav system is so un-understandable, I'd simply remove it and use the space to store my Werther's Originals.
As a result of this, some say you're better off spending your £50,000 on a Porsche Coxter instead.
Trust me on this one, though - you aren't.
APPLAUSE Nothing like an Elise.
It's unbelievable.
Very, very good.
But What? 50 grand.
OK, for a car made by turnip farmers out of melted down toilet seats.
But if you compare that to a Ferrari 430, and you can, it's the bargain of the century.
Yeah, but it's not as fast as a 430.
- No, Ferrari 430 is here.
Now, we put that around earlier today and it did a 1.
But look at that.
Oh, we'll ignore that Oh, that's awkward.
The Exige was quicker.
But it's the same as a five-litre Gallardo Spyder.
A tremendous achievement.
But we're not going to show you that lap, because instead, we've got something much, much more expensive.
Yes we have and here it is.
It's the Ferrari FXX.
It's a bit like an Enzo except it has 860 horse power.
Even though it costs £1 million, none of the 30 people who have bought one have ever taken delivery.
Seriously, OK, you buy this car and then Ferrari keep it at the factory.
Yeah, they will take it to a race track so you can borrow your car for the day, then they take it away again.
The point is, OK, since it's here and since we believe it could go very near to the top of our leader board, we thought that you would prefer to see this do a lap in the hands of our tame racing driver.
Some say that he invented the curtain and that he recently submitted a £20,000 expenses claim for some gravel for his moat.
All we know is, he's called the Stig.
And he's off! Lots of wheel-spin off the line but this car has lots of power.
Almost as much, in fact, as an F1 car.
First corner comes in fast, as it needs to, to keep the massive wing-generated down-force.
Stig, working hard.
No music, thankfully, because the FXX doesn't have a stereo.
Just look at the way it glides round Chicago.
It's like Batman on a track day.
Hammerhead, now.
How will it cope? I'm guessing well.
But look how it reacted to that bump! I've never seen a car do that before.
Is the Stig phased? Hard to tell.
But let's assume not.
Follow Throughsurely, even with down-force, the mighty power of the 6.
3 litre V12 means he'll have to lift off.
I don't think he did! I don't think he did! So, just two corners left.
Here we go.
And look now, look at the brake discs glowing red hot.
This is like a Formula One car.
But with a windscreen wiper.
Just Gambon left.
Here he comes.
Just flies through there, and across the line.
Ready? The FXX did it 1.
7! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What?! Blitzed it.
Unbelievable, unbelievable! Staggering! Can we keep the doors closed? Why's the door open? Who opened the door? You can't come in.
It's engaged.
Is that the Stig? Why would he come in here? The Stig has come among us.
I know what this is.
I know exactly what this is.
He was telling me the other day he's been fed up with newspapers, and I suppose internet geeks as well, speculating that he's a photocopier salesman from Bolton or that he lives in a pebble-dashed house in Bristol.
There has been a lot of that going on.
So he said, "First programme when we're back on air, "I'll come into the studio and I'll show everyone my head.
" He said that? You don't think he's You think he's actually? Who here wants to see that? Do you want to see that? CHEERING They're not that bothered.
Who wants to see the Stig's head?! LOUD CHEERING So, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever, the Stig! CHEERING He's moving towards us.
He's coming on the stage.
Here he comes.
Stand well back.
If you'd just like to take a seat here please.
The Stig, everybody! First of all, massive congratulations on that phenomenal Ferrari lap.
We've never seen anything like that.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm buying time here.
Because this obviously is it's a big moment.
My heart's fluttering.
If you want to do it, on your head be it.
Remove your helmet.
He's changed his mind.
I knew he would.
Go on.
Be brave.
Show the ladies and gentlemen that you're not a photocopier's AUDIENCE: Off, off, off! They want to see.
It's coming.
Is it Susan Boyle? Is it Susan Boyle? Oh, my God! Stand up, stand up! Look who it is! The Daily Mail was wrong.
Oh, my God.
Oh, you've got a head, ears, you've everything.
Have a seat, cos there's so much I want to ask.
Where do we start? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Honestly, where do we start? First of all, did you really once punch a horse to the ground? AUDIENCE LAUGHS Well, I did think about it, but I have a wife, she loves horses.
I ended up on the ground.
The Stig is married to a horse lover.
We've established something.
Whatever can I ask? Are you illegal in 17 US states? No, that's much too exaggerated.
It's only nine, if I Nine, illegal in nine US states.
I just can't believe it.
Some people have told us that you only know two facts about ducks and both of them are wrong.
Is that true? Well, obviously they don't fly.
Yeah, they're right, you don't know anything about ducks.
I can't believe it.
The other thing, of course, I've got to ask you, before you pulled on the white suit, before you were famous, what's your real name? THEY LAUGH Come on, tell us.
What is it? It's too amazing for words, all this.
Well, you have to keep up some secrets.
Come on, everyone, who is he? It's Michael Schumacher! THEY CHEER And that's brilliant, because We've got to ask something about Formula One, while you're here.
The question I want to ask first of all is, why is Lewis Hamilton all of a sudden coming last? HE LAUGHS He was winning and now he isn't.
Do you know the answer? Well, it is- very difficult, occasionally, when the car doesn't work out.
And it's very obvious.
Both of those-silver cars are not doing very well.
- No, they don't work at all.
This brings me on to an interesting- point about this year's F1 World Championship.
Mainly, a big friend of yours, obviously, Ross Brawn.
Because when he was at Benetton, Benetton won.
Then he went to Ferrari, Ferrari won.
And now he's got his own team and Brawn are winning.
So I don't want to be impolite with- this question, but was it the car? THEY LAUGH Do you know what I mean? It's just,- when he was running the team You're absolutely right.
It is.
The secret is what you do with you guys together.
You're a team and it's always teamwork.
If you squeeze out every little bit, that's whereyou're proved better than the others.
Is it true you had blood tests taken on yourself, obviously not during the race.
It'd be impossible for a doctor to run alongside.
But in the pit stops? It's true.
We did before the race, after the race, But in the pit stops? It's true.
We did before the race, after the race, in order to seethe development through a weekend.
And then adjust the food and all of your supplements that you may have to take.
Cut out the curries.
I guess, cut out the curries.
Yeah, exactly.
So when you look back, what for you- were the sort of great races? You know, I'm getting old.
To remember back, all these races.
I remember the Hungary one, when you had to do 25 effective qualifying laps.
That was a great conversation with Ross.
Ross coming on the radio saying,"Listen, we are in this trouble now "and we need, kind of,20 laps in these kind of lap times.
" And that sounded like qualifying.
I said, OK, let's go, let's try it.
I don't know, the combinationof Hungary was a special combination.
Track, car, everything just got together and we were able to do those times and it worked out.
But we had many of those great events together in all these years.
Are you watching this year or have you sort of? No, certainly, I'm watching.
I'm travelling to some of the races.
I see them live.
And others on TV.
And are you finding it a bit boring- when one person just endlessly wins? THEY LAUGH APPLAUSE When you were racing, were there any guys out there who you thought, "This guy's pretty damn quick"? Absolutely.
I mean, I think my best time I had with Hakkinen, quite honestly.
That was a period that I really like looking back to, because we had fighting up, really to the limit,to the maximum.
And great situations.
And basically have a beer afterwards without problems.
Who was rubbish? Hmm? Who was rubbish? You know, my English isn't so good, so THEY LAUGH AND APPLAUD Who was garbage? That's very good.
Have you got any regrets? When you look back, do you think, "I wish I hadn't done that"? I mean, in life, you always have regrets.
You always do certain things that you think afterwards you could have done differently.
And I'm sure you have someexamples for me.
Three a minute.
No, it's just, I mean, let's be honest, you have a desire to win.
That's my nature, yeah.
I'm with you on that one.
I play my son at chess.
If it looks like he's going to beat me, I wait for him not to be looking and nick his queen.
Which is the same as running into Damon.
THEY LAUGH You know, it's the sort of You know what I'm saying.
It's that kind of, "I'm not going to let you beat me because I'm just better than you.
" Can I just ask finally before we move off Formula One, why did you stop? Because you were still winning at the end.
What made you wake up one day and say, "You know, I've had enough of racing in F1"? Well, you know, curry was so attractive to me.
THEY LAUGH It's very nice, it is.
It is.
Nowadays, obviously the Stig duties- keep you busy, what, one day a week, I guess? What do you do in the rest of your time? How do you fill your days? Well, I have several areas that I fill up my time with.
Being, obviously, a Ferrari adviser is one part.
And being a Bacardi ambassador for That's an interesting one.
I heard about this.
You're an ambassador for Bacardi.
A lot of girls here, yeah, a lot of ambassadors for Bacardi.
They're nodding.
I see lots of potential here.
The Breezers will sail through here.
Now, I think it's a great job.
The thing is though, Bacardi have actually asked us to show a clip, OK, of you and not a drink.
But here it is.
This is the clip we've been asked to show.
Opera singers.
And then there's a man here with mud.
THEY SING That's wide.
And then you get into another car and then crash into a cone.
Now, there we are.
Forget me on this, forgive me APPLAUSE I have, quite literally, no idea what that's all about.
Are they saying don't drive with mud on the window? Or don't drive with people singing? I mean, basically, we tried to put out a message, kind of almost the opposite of what you did on the North Pole.
Don't drive with James May? I'll support that message.
Leave the gin and tonic, I heard something.
Is this a drink-drive? We weren't driving! We were sailing.
It was frozen oceans so we were allowed.
So it's a drink-drive thing? What we're trying to get over is to the young generation, alcohol and driving is not really something that you should mix.
And the campaign is drinking and driving don't mix.
I mean, we don't want to stop people from drinking.
I have had lots of fun after racing in whatever championships with my mechanics and engineers.
Who'd like to see some photographs of Michael? AUDIENCE: Yes! We may have a photograph here of a man who's entirely sober.
There we go.
There's another picture I'd like to show.
Who was sick on this man? And what's that? A fridge.
Yes, it's a fridge.
You pushed it over.
No, it must have been my brother.
So here's a clear message, everybody.
Drink responsibly or you'll wind up looking like that.
In a room with a fridge on its side.
Can we just talk about cars if, I may? What are you running now? I have a nice 500 Fiat.
Is it the Abarth? Yeah.
That's a fantastic car.
It is.
And you, actually, what do you drive most of the time? Family car, like a Croma.
Fiat Croma? Yeah.
THEY LAUGH That's a fantastic bombshell on which to end this interview.
Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Schumacher drives a Fiat Croma.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING So there you are everybody, The Stig! The Stig, everybody! Thank you very much.
The Stig.
It was him, always.
I can't believe- it.
That was just a weekend gag.
Anyway, fantastic, but tonight we are in 1949.
Yeah, well, you're always in 1949.
Yeah, whatever.
We're in 1949 and we are having a race.
I'm in a Jaguar XK 120, which is the fastest car in the world.
Richard Hammond is on the Vincent Black Shadow, which is the fastest motorcycle in the world.
And Jeremy Clarkson is on a steam train.
Now the start line was here in London and the finish line would be up here in Edinburgh.
And we have left the action, Jeremy was in the lead, just approaching Doncaster.
I was in second place and as you would expect, captain slow was bringing up the rear.
Hoping to take me from behind.
Yeah, alright.
And then press home his advantage and take Jeremy in the tunnel.
Stop saying things like that.
You know what I mean.
Come on, come on.
'To try and stay ahead of James, who was being cautious 'with his petrol gauge, I was stretching my fuel stops 'to the last possible moment.
' Any minute now, this bike is going to start stuttering and I'm gonna have to pull There's a lever down here to switch it to the reserve tank and then I have to really panic about getting some more petrol.
This is it! Doncaster, my home town, the home town of the original A1.
The home town of the Mallard, the fastest stream train of them all, the Flying Scotsman.
The greatest steam train of all.
That's my old girlfriend's house.
I might have had sex in or is that it? No, I think that's it there.
Here I am.
Grim-faced at the wheel of my Jag.
Time for some overtaking.
Tally Ho.
I had no choice but to stop for fuel.
As a result, James is going to overtake me.
There's nothing I can do.
'And sure enough' Oh my word, it's Richard Hammond.
HE LAUGHS 'Several miles ahead, I too was stationary, taking on more water.
' Hammond, where are you? I'm about 30 miles south of Doncaster.
Oh dear.
We're in York.
What? Where's James? He's just overtaken me but his Jag is drinking fuel, so with a bit of luck, he'll have to stop for fuel before I do.
Or he'll catch fire? TANNOY ANNOUNCEMENT What's that noise? It's me being told off not use a mobile phone by the man.
Go and tell him it's 1949.
So we can't have mobile phones? Yes! That was wheel spin on a 96-tonne train.
That is a steam train, isn't it? It's not got some nuclear device on board as well? 'No.
What it had on board was a fresh crew and that meant a fresh set of muscles.
' Holy cow.
The whole train is now really zigzagging.
I got a tank slapper in a train at 75mph.
HIS BIKE CHOKES Three minutes early.
We're early.
Three minutes? Yeah.
You're doing a good job.
'James was now in front of me, but my bold fuel strategy would keep me in the game.
' OK.
Settling into the cruise now.
Looking good and going well.
The bike running absolutely like a metronome.
'Meanwhile, on the train, I'd been told I could cook lunch in the world's most fearsome Aga.
' Who is on for a bacon sandwich? 'It didn't go well.
' Oh, no! Right up the chimney! So bacon just flew out of the top of our train? Yeah.
Shove over, you dozy cow.
'In a bid to close the gap on the Pacific Class Aga, James had become captain road rage.
' Get in the left-hand lane! I'm trying to beat the train, you imbecile! Yay, look at that.
That's good! 'They told me that coal-fired eggs would be delicious.
'They were lying.
' HE CLEARS HIS THROAT 'Still, could be worse.
' Quick summary of the turn my life has taken.
I'm 20 miles south, not north, of Doncaster.
I'm by the side of the A1.
In the rain.
The motorcycle is slightly broken.
What I did was leave the fuel tap on, the reserve tap on, so the bike pulled a lot of slugs through from the bottom of the fuel tank, clogged up the left-hand carburettor and now has stopped.
That's the situation.
It is, however, a very manly pursuits, motorcycling, I'm enjoying it.
Testosterone surging around my system.
Or it could be rain, actually.
It's getting in.
It's rain.
Surging around my system.
'James was overflowing with Top Gear sympathy.
' So, you're fine, but the bike is in bits.
A bit.
What a rotten bit of luck.
If you don't mind taking your head and boiling it, that would be wonderful.
He's had it.
It's me and Jezza.
'But this crew, with me shovelling,- were a match for anyone.
' Hold tight.
It's a little rough through Durham and the cathedral.
Durham Cathedral.
We're in Durham.
We're doing 75mph through the city centre.
Oh, yes.
Don't know if I'm gaining.
Keep calm and carry on.
Ah, we're motoring now Wo-ho! HORN SOUNDS 'Ahead lay our biggest stop.
'Half-an-hour in Newcastle to take on water and more coal.
'But despite this, I was still confident.
' We are so far ahead, it's embarrassing.
'However, there was a surprise in store.
' Now Black Shadow rides again! HE SINGS A THEME TUNE FOR HIMSELF We could just throw in the towel.
That's not the Black Shadow's way.
HE CACKLES 'Then, as the train slowed for Newcastle, 'there was another surprise in store.
' Where are you now? We are you? about 20 miles south of Newcastle.
You're going to go in the Only 20 miles? Yeah.
I'm gaining on you.
The car's only 20 miles south of Newcastle.
Bingo, bingo, here we go.
So, we're stationary for 34 minutes? That's correct, yes.
He's going to come past.
He's ten miles ahead of us went we set off? We've some work to do, then.
'Still, could be worse.
' This, I think, is still that rain that we had left behind but I got caught up in it again because I was delayed having to rebuild my carburettor.
As a result, getting quite wet.
Very wet.
So HE SINGS HIS THEME SONG AGAIN It's Saturday morning and the continuing adventures of the Black Shadow continue.
'As I was loading the coal' PHONE RINGS Sorry! '.
the phone rang.
' James, what's happening? I'm terribly sorry, old chap, but I've just gone past you.
You're in the lead? I am.
Quickly, made millions of coals go in there.
Enjoy your time in the lead because it will be short lived.
What an appalling optimist.
Both the train and the car had to do another stop.
And from here on, big chunks of the A1 were single carriageway, so I wasn't popping the cork just yet.
'However, in this stunning part of the world 'and with the sun coming out, I was falling in love with the XK.
' I'll be honest.
When I first fired the old girl up I thought well, that's lovely, it's only a matter of time before there is an ignition issue, a carburettor issue, a bearing issue, but no, it's wonderful.
The engine was designed in the evenings during the war, during the blackout, usually.
The body was shaped by the boss of the company.
The whole thing was completed in a matter of months.
And look at it.
I love it.
And I will win.
'Not if we had anything to do with it.
' Come on! Ten miles! Ten miles! That's all we've got to make up.
Oh, God, this engine's good.
Come on! Oh, yeah, we are working.
Oh, just give me a chance, just a chance.
I'm in the fastest car in the world.
I'm doing this to beat a car.
Why am I doing it? 'Still, could be worse.
' HE SHOUTS IN PAIN Oh, the pain.
South of Berwick, it was still neck- and neck.
But James had a problem.
Come on! Nobody coming out of this thing owns that Fiesta.
This is what happens when you make petrol stations into supermarkets as well.
People spend hours in buying bloody bananas and croissants and other things that you don't need.
Yes, yes, in the car, in the car.
Don't worry about the handbag.
James's lengthy fuel stop was just what we needed to close the gap.
But then Where's the BLEEP water gone? What? Where's the water gone? There's no water getting to the boiler? We need to get water in the boiler now.
It's not going to blow up, is it? Not yet.
This is a worry, now.
These are supposed to be full of water, but as you can see, there's just a tiny little dribble.
There's water, but nothing's coming out! If we lose all the water, the fire has to come out.
Otherwise we've got a disaster.
I'm now about 65 miles away from Edinburgh.
I can't get hold of Jeremy, he's obviously on the move.
Too much noise for him to hear the phone.
Now try it.
Just lever in water.
One of the water injectors that feeds the boiler had stopped working.
We've got to ease up now,purely because we are losing steam.
I need to shovel.
Sorry? You want me shovelling?No, I need to shovel.
I understand.
The speed is right down.
The water is right down.
He's shovelling madly.
And that means only 50mph.
Should be 55, 60mph, until we can get it back.
Temperature, oil, everything.
No, it's fine, it's fine.
Everything's fine.
'After several tense moments, relief.
' It's coming back.
It just came back? Cooled down and came back.
You know how they say steam engines have moods? It was its time of the month for about ten minutes.
The sea, we're going along the sea.
'This was turning into a great race.
'For two of us.
' OK.
Time to get back on.
My hero.
That's a good thing.
Um, just past Scott's Corner now.
About 150, 160 miles yet to run.
I can't feel my right hand at all.
But this, you know, this is, this is a marathon, not a sprint.
As we left Berwick for the final charge, the question was, had our injector problem given James back the lead? Hello.
Hey, Clarkson, are you north or south of Berwick? North.
North? Yes.
You're joking.
Yeah, but not by much.
How far north of Berwick are you? Less than 10 miles.
How far? Less than 10 miles.
Less than 10! HE LAUGHS What a cock end, honestly.
Come on, Mr Clarkson, get shovelling.
What? Keep shovelling! Sorry! Oh, God, the road narrows down to one lane.
That's going to slow me down.
Come on! Get more in it! I really want to win.
Oh, God above.
One of the farm lorries is overtaking the other one on the only dual carriageway bit.
You selfish turd! What the hell was that? That's a wheel-spin.
You've got wheel spin at 70mph? At 70mph! Yes! Where the hell's Jezza? I wish I knew.
We are now coming alongside the A1.
- It's just here.
Where is he? Where is he? This is as close as it's ever been.
- If I see that green monster appear on the right Edinburgh.
116 miles, that just said.
So it's still very much a three-way race.
There can't be more than about seven or eight miles between us.
Oh, God.
We've got a red.
No, it's not.
It's two yellows, it's two yellows.
What's happening is, we're following a stupid commuter train into Edinburgh.
He's stopping at every station.
He's stopping at every station, which is causing us to slow down.
Less than ten miles to go.
We'll ram it.
Ram the stopper train.
He could have gone past.
That's green, green.
Go, go, go, go, go! We need acceleration out of this thing.
These lights have really put us behind now.
Go, Go, Go, Go, Go, Go! Go, Go, Go! We need acceleration It's a few miles, out of this thing.
It is a few miles following the city-centre signs.
Cole, fire, fire, steam, I'm going to have to seriously run.
- How do I get to the Balmoral Hotel? Unlike James May, I will only run You have permission to say a cock.
You should not laugh! Jeremy, speak I never want to see another steam train.
Well done, mate, you did very well, because that was man contact.
Have you heard from Hammond? Oh, God! The feeling is coming back.
God, that is worse! It just hurts! What's that shows is that even 60 years ago cars were better than trains.
That is not really a bombshell, is it? I know what is a bombshell.
You will probably wondering why Michael Schumacher never did a lap in the Suzuki.
Well, don't worry, he did.
He has stalled! Oh, my God.
Michael Schumacher has stalled.
He is off now.
That is not good! He is obviously not used to a manual.
Oh, no, here we go, first corner.
That is not the right line! That is badly wrong.
Look at the way he holds that rien de as he heads towards Chicago.
He is not going to make it, he is going off.
Oh, no! He got the camera! It is OK! He has smashed the windscreen.
His E-flat have? No, I do not think he is! Coming up to the tyres.
He is going the wrong way! Going the wrong way! Here he is, final corner.