Top Gear (2002) s16e02 Episode Script

The Motoring Ashes

Tonight, a sausage gets burnt, a sheep falls over, and our track is all wet.
CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS Hello! Hello, everybody.
Hello.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Now, you may remember, a couple of years ago, we were contacted by a German car programme, asking us to boost their ratings.
You mean "take us on in a series of motoring-related challenges".
Yes, that.
Anyway, we did what he just said, and we didn't just beat them - with a little bit of cheating, we humiliated them.
Yeah, but despite the futility of taking us on, we've now had a letter from the people who make Top Gear in Australia.
It's basically the same programmeas ours but with silly accents.
Yeah.
I've got the letter here.
It says, "Dear Top Gear UK, we're coming " Why am I doing this in a French accent? "Dear Top Gear UK, we're coming over to your stupid country soon, "and we want to take you on in a car-based Ashes, you Pommie bas " Ahem! Obviously, we picked up their gauntlet, so welcome, everybody, to Top Gear versus Australia Motoring Jeux Sans Frontieres - Ashes.
"Land of Hope and Glory" These are the cars we can call on - the Aston Martin DBS, the Jaguar XKR, the Caterham Superlight, the Aerial Atom, the Bentley Continental, the Range Rooney.
The list goes on and on.
"Waltzing Matilda" And these are the cars they can field - the Holden Maloo pickup, the Holden Commodore saloon And that's it.
So, we've got the cars, we've got the place.
Where are they? Should have landed over three hours ago.
You did book them a taxi, didn't you? Sort of.
I just thought it would be nice for them to arrive back in the country the way their ancestors left.
There's a pleasing circularity to it.
Exactly.
That is thoughtful.
That is very thoughtful.
No, it is.
So, let's meet the men we'd be up against.
Guys! Ewen Page, who does not have a beard .
.
Steve Pizzati, who does .
.
and Shane Jacobson, who is fat.
Strangely, none of them was very happy about the prison lorry.
That gag was not funny in 1938.
It is here.
You've had about 200years to come up with a better gag,and that's it.
It's funny! I want to apologise for cubicle one.
You ran out of paper.
To try and stop them whingeing, we let them choose the first event.
OK, working man's one-kilometre drag race.
We'll pit a typical Aussie commercial vehicle against a typical Pommie commercialvehicle to see which is the fastest.
Drag race, eh? Yeah, what do you say? OK, it's "a working man's one-kilometre drag race".
This was a cunning move by the Aussies, because it meant they could go straight in to bat with the Maloo pickup.
See that there? A six-litre V8.
380 horsepower.
In America, they use the engine out of this in the Corvette.
Ah, yeah.
Sadly, we hadn't thought to bring a commercial vehicle.
The bloke who just came and painted my house did have a Jag.
Is that any good? It doesn't make it a commercial vehicle.
Not really, no.
I don't think we can really get away with any of these as They're justgoing to say that we're cheating.
Luckily, Jeremy then remembered he had a mate with a Transit, so it was brought over, and a pessimistic Hammond climbed aboard.
This is not a good start for us.
This exhaust is blowing badly.
That really suits you, that.
I can't imagine you in anything else, Bruce.
It is just Bruce in a Brucemobile.
And look at Nigel over there.
Can we just stand back? Because this is, I'm afraid, going to be .
.
a bloodbath.
It is.
A bloodbath.
Exactly.
Are you still sureyou want to do this? Yes! Yes! Why do I have to do the first event? And why does it have to be in an old van? All I've got to do is watch that little green light and then win.
ENGINES REV Whoa! What the hell is in that van? What is this thing? It's insane! He's in the weeds! He's blown away! Yes! Yes, a clear win for the Nigels.
I'm sorry, Bruce, we take that one.
First blood to Nigel.
Sorry, Bruce.
Yeah, we forgot about the traditional gesture.
That's not a van.
It is a van! It doesn't seem like a van.
It is a van.
Did you see the look on Nigel's face when it took off? They don't believe it's a van! Pretty impressive.
I like your van.
And they're all like that.
That's standard.
Look, I will prove to you thatit is a van.
Behold.
What is that? It even managed to beat you while carrying an engine in the back.
Ready? Hang on.
It says "Jaguar"! All right, this might be a bit Yes.
And it's turbocharged, too! It is slightly turbocharged.
Actually, what it is, if I'm honest, it's a Jaguar XJ220.
Ohhh! Did you say we weren't allowed to bring a Jaguar-propelled van? Well, no.
Is it a van? Is a van a commercial vehicle? You could have warned me.
I got the shock of my life! Honest to God! After our first-innings victory, Jeremy decided that for the second challenge, we should re-run a race we'd first tried against the Germans.
OK, guys, it is really straightforward, OK? The car on the bottom has the accelerator, the gears and brake, but no steering wheel, because the steering is done by the car on the top.
You got that? Right.
You got it, then, Bruce? Which one's ours, Nigel? These are both ours.
OK? We have both these.
Yours are over here.
But But what? It's upside down! Yes, but it won't be when you get home and you watch it on TV there.
It'll all be the right way up.
We are racing against the Flat Earth Society.
Do you feel kind of light-headed now, being the right way up? A lot of blood in your feet.
I feel cheated.
I feellike someone's going to vomit.
You always think that they're happy-go-lucky, the Australians.
It's just solid whingeing.
We were until we got here.
Sensitive, flighty, "Oh, no, I don't want to go upside down in a racing car.
"I'll die with sick in my helmet.
" What's your problem? You've one here, and you've got the other two Toyotas over there.
Well, hang on, that's four seats.
There's only three of us.
Yes.
We are in the same boat.
Obviously, we need four people, so we've got Well, there's no other way of putting this.
We've got Jodie Kidd.
Yeah.
Good for you.
So, who've wegot? Elle MacPherson.
No.
Kylie.
No.
Dannii.
No.
You've got Darren Lyons.
Right.
What's his name again? Darren Lyons.
He's the ultimate paparazzi photographer.
So he's famous here? Very.
And look at his hair.
We are.
It was time to saddle up.
We should talk tactics.
What are the tactics? Well, beat the Australians.
OK.
What are you talking about down there? Tactics.
Tactics! You're going to have to really shout.
I can't hear you.
It's all right, he doesn't mind shouting.
Hammond? Yes? One bang for faster, two for slower.
Well, what if you bang for faster twice? That's like slower.
I'll leave a pause.
Hey, look, they're being lowered in, everybody.
I hope he doesn't vomit.
If he vomits, I'm going to vomit.
With the Aussies the right way up, we were ready to begin.
What's the start? The klaxon thing? KLAXON BLARES Oh, we're off! Go, go, go! Go on, Jez! Jesus! Yes! Oh, see the power! BLEEP!Go! Already! Oh Oh, God, we're going to die.
Yee-ha! Jodie, you're a star! At the back, Hammond and May werehaving communication problems.
Get them on the inside, Hammond.
Inside! Going round the outside.
Keep going, steady away! Keeping my foot down Come on! Get out of the way! Quite quickly, my colleagues overtook the Aussies Here we go, here we go.
.
.
mainly because they were still whingeing.
Oh, God! Where are we? I can't see! I have no reference! And the pap was plainly a bit nervous.
It's unbelievable! I've got no hands! Tell him to shut up and drive! BLEEP! At this stage, it looked like it was going to be a Brit one-two.
But then Hammond! Yes! Yes! Ha! Whoa! This is civil war breakingout, right here, right now.
Get in! That's a disaster.
While we were bickering Go! You've broken my window! .
.
the Aussies caught up and engaged us in a good-natured four-way duel.
Catch that Pommie bastard! We've got them, we've got them, we've got them, we've got them, we've got them! Oh, no! Even Darren got the bit between histeeth.
Come on, move! Out of my way! This is Aussie driving! Darren, slow down! You're not a racing driver, you'rea photographer! This is great! No! An Australian's come through! We're in the lead! No! That's a big one.
'By working together, we eventually pulled out a lead.
'But soon, Jeremy got bored.
' Jodie, get his back wing.
No, we've stalled! Sorry, James, I might have done that on purpose.
Come on, go, go, go! Go! This made James and Richard very angry, and so, on the last lap, they exacted their revenge.
Oh, no! Oh, you stupid fool! Good work, Hammond! Right, we're in the lead! We are so in the lead now! This is ours for the winning! Oh, they've won.
They've won, they've won.
Not good, not good.
With another victory in the bag, things were looking good for Top Gear UK.
You know what? It was turning out to be like the real Ashes - complete whitewash.
For a sporting nation, they're quitebad at sport, aren't they? It was quite embarrassing.
It's like having a competition to see which country's best at invading Poland, and Germany coming last.
Anyway, we'll pick that up later on, because first of all, let's do the news.
Yes, and first of all, last week, we featured a motorcycle - a BMW, if I'm not mistaken - a BMW, in your Aerial Atom film, and we've had a number of complaints that we didn't give enough information about it.
So, James, would you like to address that? Yes, indeed, bikers, it has a cable-operated anti-hopping clutch.
Lovely.
Thank you very much.
There's a new Mini out, OK? There's a picture of it here.
It's called the Countryman.
It's not a funny name! This is the biggest car in the world, OK? You might think this is a stubble field.
It isn't.
It's the Brazilian rainforest.
These are trees, in fact, here.
So that's a Mini in the same way that you are a midget.
Exactly.
You might think, "Well, I fancy a Mini.
I like the idea of a Mini.
But I want more space!" But the ridiculous thing is Well, the one I drove the other day only had four seats.
You're right - you'd think there'd be a middle one in the back, but there's a sort of "styling feature".
We've got a picture of it.
There's just two bars that run Look.
What's the point of that? It is a civic sculpture.
It's like trading up from a three- to a four-bedroom house and filling the fourth bedroom with a waterfall.
Why would you do that? It's just stupid.
It's the stupidest car I've ever seen.
And it gave me crabs.
What? Crabs? I meant cramp.
Why did I say crabs? How can a car give you crabs? I don't know! Tell us! Oh, I know what I want to talk about.
Really big news.
The new car from Pagani's out.
The Zonda's gone.
This is the new replacement for it from Pagani.
Look at that! It's an astonishing 730 brake horsepower, six-litre AMG V12 specially designed for the car.
It's got a carbotanium body, so that is carbon fibre, but titanium woven in with carbon fibre in it.
Yes, but can I interrupt? What worries me, we liked the Zonda because it was completely bonkers, yes? Doesn't that look a bit sensible, like Lady GaGa going, "No, no, no.
I'm a musician now, I want to start writing opera.
" A bit serious? Yes.
A bit grown-up? Yes.
OK.
Here's the interior, look at that! That's clearly not all sensible and boring, is it? I like the colour, actually.
Well if you want that colour, James, just have a baby, get it eight times a day! What's it called? It's called the Hur-rurgh It is! It's spelled H-U-A-Y-R-A.
The The Hur-rurgh? Exactly! It's written here, in case you forget.
It's the noise you make when you're sick in the passenger seat.
If you're just going to mock, you won't mind if I test it, will you? No, knock yourself out! OK.
No, don't actually, if you're driving fast I got that.
Oh, day in, day out, we meet people who say to us they don't like cars very much, but they do watch Top Gear.
Well, if you're not interested in cars, ta-da! A new Ford Focus.
Wow! There it is.
You're not saying it's bad, are you? No.
No.
That is some car.
I tell you something about Ford Focus, right, doing the figures this week on it, alone buy a Ford Focus.
That is, what, about 12 an hour? So who's waking up at 3am thinking, "I'm going to get a Focus.
"I'm going to go out now.
" Who are they? No! That's the most mangled bit of statistics I've ever heard.
It doesn't mean that somebody has to do it, on the hour, every hour.
Yes, but it's still 275 people a day.
How can we work it out? We know Saabs are driven by architects, yes? We know Audis are driven by people who play golf.
We know Land Rover Discoveries are driven by murderers.
What? I'm going to have to pull you up on that, as I think you'll find murderers drive a Renault Espace.
Well, Kenneth Noye was a murderer, he had a Land Rover Discovery.
So he may have done, but Harold Shipman drove a Renault Espace, Fred West drove a Renault Espace, Peter Sutcliffe drove a Renault 16.
That's only because the Espace hadn't been invented.
Exactly.
This is a Top Gear top tip.
If you're a policeman and there's been a murder in your area, simply arrest anyone who has a practical Renault.
That's fascinating.
I think that's very interesting.
Anyway, we got a bit off-topic, but there you are, the new Ford Focus - ideal if you just want some car.
Chaps, listen, have you ever wanteda Mexican sports car? Yes, I have! Well, it's good news, because there is one, and here it is, and it's called the Tortilla.
It is not, it is not called the Tortilla! What is it called? I can't remember, it's somethinga bit You just made up the name? Yes, I've forgotten.
Why would you want a Mexican car? Cars reflect national characteristics, so German cars are very well built, efficient.
Italian cars are a bit flamboyant and quick, a Mexican car is just going to be lazy, feckless, flatulent, over-stuffed, leaning against a fence asleep, looking at a cactus, with a blanket with a hole in the middle on, as a coat! It is interesting, they can't do food, the Mexicans, can they? It's all like sick with cheese on it.
Refried sick! Yeah, refried sick.
How much is this Mexican sports car? The refried Mexican sports car is L33,000.
That isn't enough.
It isn't enough.
Somebody's paid for that to be developed, it's got to be shipped over.
That's 800 quid's worth of carthere.
You say that though, but they do say, in their blurb, it's got rack and pinion steering.
Wow, it's got steering.
I'm sorry, but just imagine waking up and remembering you're Mexican! It would be brilliant.
It'd be brilliant because you could just go straight back to sleep again.
Oh, I'm a Mexican.
That's all I'm going to do all day.
That's why we won't get complaints about this - at the Mexican Embassy, the ambassador will be sitting there with the remote control, like this.
They won't complain, it's fine.
I tell you want, there's a radio station in Germany, offered L20,000 worth of a Mini Cooper as a prize, to any listener who would do the zaniest, craziest thing, OK? The chap who won it, won it because he had the word "Mini" tattooed on his Face? No.
Arse? Elbow? No.
Ears? No.
Toes? No, on his gentleman's sausage Mini! If you think about it, Mini isn't really the first word you would think to have tattooed on you're I'd rather have the word enormous, but in tiny letters so the scale it must be! If it's going to be cars, though, I would have Alfa Romeo No, I wouldn't have Alfa Romeo, I'd only get Alf on mine.
I think, actually, having Alfa Romeo tattooed on your old chap is a bit of a leap of faith,given our experience with Alfas.
Oh, it's not working again.
It's never happened before.
It's an Alfa Romeo - it has! That's the end of the news.
Moving on now.
In Britain, we find it really rather revolting to talk about how much money somebody earns, but I couldn't help but noticing the other day that a DJ, I won't say which one, Radio 2, in the morning, ginger, spent L12 million on a car.
You might think that's ridiculous, but it isn't.
Because the car in question is a 1963 Ferrari 250 GTO.
'The GTO Ferrari ' In the eyes of many, the 250 GTO is the greatest car Ferrari ever produced.
Certainly, it's the greatest road racer from the ultimate decade of road racing.
And it is extremely rare just 36 were made.
And because the aluminium body panels were hand-beaten over pieces of wood, none of them were quite the same.
On this particular example, for instance, the driver's door is a centimetre longer than the passenger door.
The 3-litre V12 engines were all different as well.
They were supposed to produce 295 horsepower.
Some came up with less than that, some more.
But all of these cars would do 175 miles an hour, at a time when your dishwasher had a name and ears.
I wish almost more than anything I could get into this now and take it for a drive, but even though Top Gear is made by one of the world's largest and richest broadcasting organisations, we simply cannot afford the insurance.
I can, however, drive this the 288 GTO.
The mid-engine twin turbo-charged flame thrower was also built to be a road racer, but, sadly, the road-racing series it was built to enter folded before it ever got the chance.
And, because it has no competition pedigree, it's now a bargain.
You can buy one for as little as L400,000.
When the final 288 rolled off the limited-run production line in 1987, we all thought that, because road racing was a thing of the past, we'd never see the GTO name again, but we were wrong.
It's back.
This is the 599 GTO and it's not a racer - it's a L300,000 road car.
So they've used the GTO name on a road car.
That's brave.
That's like calling your infant son Jesus.
You need to be fairly sure he's going to grow up to be something special.
Not a burglar.
So, how has this turned out, then? Well, it's pouring with rain, and, as usual, when we're BEEPING .
.
down at the track, I've turnedthe traction control off.
So, here we go.
Oh argh Nearly.
Have I got it? No.
No! Come on! It squirrels under braking, it understeers when you go into a corner Ah! Oh BLEEP! Bloody hell! This is not a car - it's a wild animal.
Oh, actually, it's not evena wild animal, just a BLEEP! BLEEP! Actually, what it is is the most powerful road car Ferrari has ever built.
Its 6-litre V12 produces 661 horsepower.
And to make sure none of those horse powers are wasted lugging around unnecessary weight, the glass in the windows is thin.
The body work is carbon fibre.
The floor is aluminium.
There are no carpets.
It doesn't even have a radio.
The result, when you understand all that and you respect it and you leave the traction control on, is rather different.
The speed! Speed! And the noise of the speed! Top speed, 208.
And then there's the braking.
OK, ready? Now, I just hold this left-hand paddle down, and the down changes are done automatically at precisely the right moment.
It's a laptop! These days, automotive electronics are used to make a car more economical, more environmentally friendly, more safe.
Not in this.
In this, the electronics make you faster.
The car is learning all the time how fast I can go round this corner.
It's taking constant readings of tyre temperature, engine temperature, gear box temperature to make sure that when I put my foot down at the end of the corner, the maximum amount of power is sent to the rear wheels.
I'll put my foot down now.
No, it's not ready.
It's not ready! NOW it's ready.
It is all fantastically clever, but, I'm afraid, there is a but.
Modern jet fighters are kept in the air, not by the pilot, but by several million gigabytes of hardcore software.
And this is just the same.
It's an F-22 with a tax disc.
And that's the problem, because I don't feel like I'm driving this car - I just feel like a big lump of meat that's come along for the ride.
Of course, I can't turn the computers off - well, I can, but I'm not going to, because that would be like sitting on the front of a roller coaster and trying to steer it.
It's not my sort of car, this.
And then there's the problem with its name.
If they'd called it Matthew or Mark or Typhoon or Herod, even, that would have been fine, but they didn't, they called it a GTO.
But it was not designed for racing, so it's not a GTO.
It's just a limited-edition tweaked version of the car Gordon Ramsay drives.
APPLAUSE So, it's not the Messiah.
It's just a very naughty boy! That's what it is.
You know what, when you were driving with the traction control off, it looked pretty much undriveable.
It was.
The thing is, though, after I made that film, I went to Italy with it.
I drove it in the dry, and it was a lot better, but, all the time, you can sense it's plotting on new and exciting ways of killing you.
You know Cato? What, from the Pink Panther? Yeah.
That's my favourite comic character,pretty much.
It's like that.
You go around the corner.
You think "Yes, I've got this, I'm holding this well.
" Suddenly, it goes into a massive tail slide.
Not now, Cato.
It is.
You go back to a hotel room at night thinking, "Is it in the mini bar? "Is it on top of the wardrobe?" You know it's going to leap out and attack you at any moment.
Maybe they shouldn't have called it the Ferrari GTO, maybe they should have called it the Ferrari Cato.
That would have been quite a good name for it, the Cato.
But, anyway, we must now find out how fast this Chinese psychopath goes round our track.
That, of course, means handing it over to our tame racing driver.
Some say that he doesn't understand the word "envelope".
And that he is the only woman in Britain not to have slept with Alan Johnson's policeman.
All we know is, he's called the Stig.
And he's off.
And just listen to the noise of that V12.
Actually, let's just listen.
SILENCE Nope, can't hear it there.
So, first corner, coming in wide.
Is it going to bite? Ooh, a little bit, but he's through.
No stereo in this car, of course,i t's just got 12 cylinders.
CAR REVS God, that noise is amazing.
Now, Hammerhead, I should say the braking system on this car is phenomenal.
Carbon ceramic, second generation, so the Stig can brake very hard and very late, but he's not braking now.
ENGINE PURRS Oh, that noise is simply sensational.
It is spine-tingling! It's like God treading on a Lego brick! Here he comes, second to last corner.
Into Gambon.
Is Cato going to attack? No, he's across the line! APPLAUSE He did well.
OK.
It did it it did it in Which is there.
Look at this, it's 0.
7 of a second slower than the Ferrari 458.
Which costs about half as much.
Yes.
And you might be thinking how well the Stig did on that lap, OK? In one of his practice laps, I should say, this happened.
There he is, going onto the straight.
Completely straight line.
No! Not now, Cato! LAUGHTER What a car! What an animal! Anyway it is time now to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
Now, my guest tonight is quit literally a tennis player.
He was able to win Wimbledon three times, partly because of his immense strength, partly because of his agility, but mostly, I suspect, because he isn't English.
Ladies and gentlemen, Boris Becker! APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING Hello.
How are you? Hello.
Hello.
Take a seat.
Thank you.
You're enormous.
As tall as you? You're bigger than I thought.
A lot bigger than I thought you'd be.
Now, how does it feel to be the most popular German in Britain? I guess the list isn't very long.
No, you're right, actually, it isn't very long.
But it is, you are a very popular chap here.
Thank you very much.
I think it has a lot to do with Wimbledon, I guess.
Yeah.
First, for the younger members of the audience, you were the first German to win it, the first unseeded player to win it and you're stillthe youngest to this day to winthe men's single final.
Yeah.
You were what - two? I was a little older, but I was still a teenager - I was 17 years old.
of you here, actually.
And I do have a big question - these shorts .
.
did they restrict movement? Well, at the time, we're talking '80s, at the time, that was fashionable.
I remember George Michael had a pair similar to that in one of his videos.
I think they were stretch - able to stretch a little bit - but, obviously, when you stretch too far on an angle volley, you might lose something! Now, of course, you've stopped playing tennis, you are now a commentator.
You're going to be commentatingagain at Wimbledon this year? Yes.
A small word of advice, if I may - have no opinions about the looksof the lineswomen.
OK.
It is just a little tipI can give you.
Yeah, thank you.
Otherwise, you'll find yourself sacked.
I was reading the papers the last couple of days, I find it a bit harsh.
It is a bit weird.
You're not even on television and you get I mean, I'd be very sacked.
I mean, the guy Andy, you know, he shouldn't have said it, it was dumb, it was stupid, you don't say that.
But then he wasn't really on air.
It should have been a penalty, give some money to charity, but for him to be fired and lose his job, I think it's a bit harsh.
No, I couldn't agree more.
Now, I want to get it on to cars, if I may.
Please.
You are a car man.
I am crazy about cars, yeah.
We have to declare an interest fromthe off, you actually have threeMercedes dealerships.
Correct, yes.
So what's the car you drive? Let me think about it, it's a Mercedes.
Oh, really, that's a surprise!No, my favourite car,when I'm alone, is the SLS.
You see.
Yes, it's my favourite car.
You see.
It's a fantastic car.
We proved - the other two agreed with me, they're not here, sadly, to back me up - but that is the best car in the world, the SLS.
Did I see yours parkedoutside today? Exactly.
I thought I'd come with my best weapon to impress you.
Now, your first car that you bought as a teenager was a? You're talking about the Porsche 959.
Yeah? True.
That, it really was.
I thought it can't be true.
No teenager goes, "Right, it's time to buy my first car, I'll make it a 959.
" Cos the 959, let's be clear, it was built for Group B rallying? Yeah.
A ferociously fast thing.
It wasn't a street car.
A very sophisticatedfour-wheel drive system on it.
Very sophisticated and two turbos.
Yeah.
You had the first one kick in at a certain speed and the second one kick in, and you were already flying all over the place, and only 200 were sold or made for the public.
How old were you when you got it? like a 19-year-old? I drove it rather fast and I - you know, knock on wood - I didn't have an accident, but I wanted to show that I'm a man, I'm not a teenager.
And I had to drive top speed.
So my best friend at the time, Patrick, said, "Listen, let's together drive from Frankfurt "to Monte Carlo, "and there's this highway from Milan down to Geneva, three lanes, where we maybe give it a go.
" That's exactly what happened.
So I went 326 on a highway - three times the speed limit allowed in Italy.
That's 200 miles an hour.
Yeah.
That is 200 miles an hour in Italy.
Yeah.
And you just said that on television! But the Italian cars at the time, they were too slow.
So by the time I went over and passed them, they, you know, they let me go.
There is another reason the Italian police, who you must have encountered over the years, if you do 200 miles an hour, theytend to just go They like it! They like it.
Good point.
The other thing, of course, the Germans are the best racing drivers as well.
You had Schumacher for years.
Do you know Schumacher? Yeah, very well.
A good mate? Good mate.
He's come good nowadays.
He in private is very different than on camera, but when he's relaxed and comfortable, he's a cool guy and has lots of humour, but, obviously, when he speaks on camera, it doesn't really show.
Have you met Vettel?Yeah.
Sebastian, yeah.
He needs to address his hair.
Well he's young, that's the look.
Those 21-year-olds wear it that way now.
I think he looks stupid.
I mean, you were wise, you addressed your hair, you realised, "Hell, I'm ginger, I need to do something about it.
" Now you're not.
He needs to do the same thing! But he doesn't worry.
He's got the helmet on when he works.
That's true.
When he's working, he does have his helmet on.
Now, your lap.
Yeah, please.
It's raining, predictably today!It was raining heavy.
I had to I was really struggling and! You're a competitive man? Of course! I was seriously worried that I'm going to be embarrassed by everybody, because the steering wheel is on the right.
Yes, the right side of the car.
I'm driving on the left.
The wrong side of the car.
Yeah? So, when I first went into the car, I couldn't find the clutch, I broke down the engine.
I ruptured the first car also, because I was braking wrong all of the time.
Thank God, the last couple of laps and because of Schtick.
Schtick told me the whole secret about This is the worst racing driver excuses I've! No, no, no.
Schtick was good.
Schtick?! Schtick! Schtick! When you said Shtick,I was thinking Michael Stich?No Now I'm with you.
Stig.
Stig.
You are the first German ever to try it.
OK.
Cos Michael Schumacher didn't.
He just did it in his Ferrari.
You're the first personto do it you haven'tmentioned your broken foot.
Well You don't like to make a fuss.
No.
When did you break it? Five weeks ago I had surgery.
So, it's not fully healed? No.
So many things that went wrong.
Yeah, but thank God, I didn't have to use my right leg this time, more my left.
You know the pedals are the same whether it's the left-hand drive No, it's on the wrong side.
What?! Is the accelerator pedal on the leftin Germany? No, it's on the right.
It's the same for us! No! It was confusing for me.
Now, all of this confusion did cause a few problems in your practice Yeah in that every time I looked out of the window, you were facing backwards on the grass.
Would anyone like to see that? AUDIENCE: Yeah! It's a quite a high s peed one,this one.
OK.
And because you didn't know where the brake was, it just kept going, really.
Anyway, who would like to see Boris's lap? Please! Please.
AUDIENCE: Yeah! Come on, let's have a look.
ENGINE ROARS, TYRES SQUEAL That is an aggressive start.
That's a gear change.
Come on, baby.
Light my fire.
Come on! There we go.
Ooh, several attempts at getting into the first corner.
Almost got the back wheel up there, which wasn't bad.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Come on! It's a good one.
Looking good.
That's smooth.
That is, yes, very impressive.
Now, coming up to the Hammerhead.
HE SPEAKS IN GERMAN I'm speaking German and English.
It's funny.
Hey, hey! It's English.
Here we go.
Come on.
Come on.
Right.
Hard on the brakes.
That was quite slow but if it looks slow it's normally fast.
That's what he told me.
It's true, the slower you look, the faster you're going.
But you do need to change gear better than that! I show them.
I'm not only a tennis player, I'm actually a hidden Formula One driver! Looking Formula One-ish through there, apart from the car.
Did you like the Kia? Yeah, it's good fun to drive.
It isn't bad, actually.
Not bad at all.
So much faster driving than it actually looks.
It's really not bad, that.
It is brown, but it's very nice.
There we go, Gambon.
Nicely controlled, and there we are, across the line.
APPLAUSE So I should explain These are the wet times.
Realistically, you're not going to be at the top of the board as it was pouring with rain.
A lot.
Pouring with rain Stormy, windy.
Windy.
Wrong side.
Wrong side.
Pedals were somehow the wrong way round, as well.
Only car in the world.
I can't think of anything else.
Anyway, these are the wet times, so where do you think you've come there? As long as I'm faster than Angelina Jolie.
It wasn't actually Angelina, it was Bill Bailey.
OK.
He fooled US! Anyway, I have the time.
You did it, Boris Becker What's the fastest wet? 1.
49.
9.
.
.
One forty- OK.
He's leaning forward.
.
.
five! There you go.
Wow! I love it! That's great.
Thank you.
Impressive.
Thank you.
Impressive.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERS OK.
Thank you.
This new Stig must bea very good teacher.
Yeah.
Because the first couple of laps I was way over 150, I'm sure.
I made all of the mistakes in the book.
Sliding out, I didn't know how to accelerate on the wrong side.
Only the last couple of laps, I started to do better.
That is a very quick time.
So, it turns out you're not only a brilliant tennis player, a brilliant commentator, but also a brilliant driver, and an excellent guest.
Ladies and gentlemen - Boris Becker! Thank you very much.
Thank you.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERS Tonight we are engaged in a car-based sporting challenge against our colleagues from Top Gear Australia.
Yes, it's like the Ashes for people who don't like cricket.
Which is us, really.
Yes, it is.
Anyway, here are the scores so far.
We won the drag race, giving us ten points and them nothing.
We also scored a remarkable one-two in the double-decker racing, giving us 30 and them 5.
So the totals so far are 40 to us and a dismal 5 to them.
Coming up now, though, is a challenge to see which nation is best at synchronised drifting.
Our new Stig said he'd use the Aston Vantage for this one, while Jeremy plumped for a Jaguar XKR.
TYRES SQUEAL Look at that! Side by side in perfect slithering harmony.
The Aussies could only spectate because we'd explained to them that due to health and safety rules, the judging had to be done by residents of the UK.
It's Torvill and Dean, really, here.
Nothing else to say.
'Our routine was going well.
' I think this is looking very good now.
'But then, thanks to me, it sort of went wrong.
' Oh, he's gone! That's got to be points off for that.
The judges, however, who had a much clearer view of the action, disagreed.
I'm assuming they're still there? You're kidding! They are very good.
What are you watching? Where have you been looking? Beat that, Bruce! It was now the Aussies' turn.
So they unpacked their Stig and then I introduced them to the cars they would be driving.
What NOW? What happened to the Holdens we had? They ARE Holdens? No, they're not! They are, nearly! No, they're not, it's a Vauxhall.
Exactly.
Vauxhalls, they are like Ferraris.
That's how we think of them.
They are four-door They're photocopier salesmen's cars.
Exactly, this is a V6.
This is a 2 litre.
Yes, I couldn't get two.
I couldn't get two.
You couldn't get two? No, but it will be fine.
Now get your Stig out, turn him the right way up and let's get cracking.
Despite the excellence of the mini cabs we provided, the Aussies were, really rather disappointing.
Get up there! And then they crashed.
It should be Oh! You boxhead! Whoa, whoa, whoa! He hit the Stig.
The Stig.
Very, very poor.
I don't know about you, but I'm not impressed.
Same here.
Dismal, to be honest.
You've put 11 up, you idiot! Hammond! You gave them 11! I thought it had a point on it.
I thought it said 1.
1! Does it count now I've voted? It did.
But our guests were still losing badly.
So, to cheer them up, we decided to cook them a typical Aussie lunch.
Ready, steady, check it out! I think we've got enough there.
Hmm! My grandfather was burnt less than that when they cremated him.
Did you know that barbecue is an ancient Aboriginal word for diarrhoea.
Well, it will be after we eat this! Why do you eat outside? Honestly, why do you eat outside? The weather's conducive to it.
Do you have air-conditioning? Yes, we do.
Why don't you sit in air-conditioning? Because their houses are disgusting! THEY ALL LAUGH 'At this stage our good-natured bantering was interrupted 'by an alarming update from the producers.
' We've been accused of cheating.
By who? The Australians.
Their production team.
What?! In the upside-down double-deckerracing you remember we did Hmm.
Who won it? We did.
But you were stationary for an entire lap.
You therefore finished a lap down.
It's ridiculous, we weren't last.
We lapped you.
You stayed still forone entire lap.
It's really simple.
You spun and were stationary.
I did not labour long and hard over cooking that to be told by you Just pass them out the food.
This is what a fair man I am.
Have a celebratory sausage that you didn't come last.
They did, they've let themselves down, they've let the BBC down, they've let England down.
Happily, the updated score board revealed they were still far behind, but the next challenge was right up their street.
Motorised sheep-herding.
OK.
Guys, we've got you your bikes ,they are Australian.
They're not.
Well, what are they, then? Austrian.
Austrian, Australian, same thing! We'll let the sheep out of the pen, you ride around a bit and then herd them back in again.
OK? No problem.
You do realise that we're not upset that these are Austrian dirt bikes? Why? Well, you made a mistake, they're terrific.
These are the best bikes.
Really? What? So we've accidentally got them good bikes.
You idiots! Right, if you're ready, I shall release the sheep! Go on! They're not scared of me! Go.
Go.
Go.
'To be honest, it wouldn't have made a difference if we'd given them unicycles.
' Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
They're very good, this lot.
Shane, take them round.
He was popping a wheelie to scare them off to the right.
See the way he's now anticipating where that sheep will go.
On the inside.
OK, get 'em, get 'em.
That's it.
Let's get 'em.
I know, they've got them all together.
Send him that way.
Go together.
Come with me.
Come with me.
I think when you're Australian, you're born to do this.
It's instinctive.
Must eat, must breathe in and out, must herd sheep.
How good are you at riding off-road? Me? I've no idea, never tried it.
Right.
Have you ever ridden off-road? Not really.
I've never ridden off-road.
'In less than two minutes the Aussies had all the sheep back in the pen.
' Hey! Together, together.
You guys get 'em.
Well done.
Mate, they won't beat that! 'This was hardly the revelation of the century ' Up the hill, come on.
Bloody hell.
'.
.
given that James and I were working with Evil Knievil.
' Right, I'm in gear Clutch.
ENGINE STOPS A- a-a-a-argh! No! No! They're all split.
Up the hill, come on.
HORN TOOTS No! Bloody hell! Feed in the power like a learner.
ENGINE STOPS Why are you doing this?! It's amazing that a bloke can be on a car show for this many years and have so little mechanical sympathy.
Help! I think this will work.
Eventually, they'll get so inquisitive, they'll want to go and see what he's trying to do.
It's going! It's moving! It's moving! Where are the sheep? A- a-a-argh! Look, you stupid woolly BLEEP.
Maybe the trick is to sneak up on them and do it quietly.
Right, watch this.
Right, got you, got you, go! How the hell does it do that? Look at me, I'm a shepherd! I'm shepherding! Look at me! Hammond, look! No, that's the next one.
They're in the woods.
No.
Bad.
Bad.
Bad thing we've done! That's what made British Leyland great, it's that kind of teamwork.
This event had been a disaster.
'The Aussies had been awarded 10 points and we'd got minus 20 for losing all the sheep.
' So we were behind on the scoreboard as we went into the final event.
A race on a World Championship rally stage through the grounds of what we had told the Aussies was a typical British house.
These are the cars we'll be using.
Super 2,000 Protons, four-wheel drive, 280 horse power.
The Australians will be using this one and James will be driving James? Yeah, James.
Why does it have to be James? It's got to be James.
You did the drag race.
I did the drifting, so it's his turn.
Remember who took on the Germans, remember? Oh, JAMES? James! James! He'll like it.
Yeah.
'While JAMES was getting ready, the Aussies arrived to inspect the cars.
' They identical this time? They are identical, hand on heart.
Who's driving yours? Steve.
You're driving that one and who's your co-driver? You're the co-driver.
Hammond is the co-driver in this and James is going to be driving it.
Oh, here he comes now.
There we go.
Lovely.
Right, let's get on with this, then.
Hang on.
Hang on.
Do you think our eyes are painted on? You're cheating again.
May thebest man win.
James All aboard.
Because the Aussies were 15.
1 points ahead of us on the scoreboard, they were allowed a head start of 15.
1 seconds.
Hey! Are you ready? ENGINES REV This is it three, two, one, go! That a boy.
Wahey! Right, we've got 15 seconds, remember.
Three, two, one, go! Oh, we're going.
'If we could beat them by even a second, we'd win the Ashes.
'Unfortunately, they'd saved their pro racing driver for this event.
' I know this stuff.
This is gravel.
'Happily, though, James was on fire!' Oh, my God! I hope I don't wet myself in James's Your race suit, your race suit, yeah.
That was all right, wasn't it? Yeah.
Good.
I don't even know how far ahead they are now.
Oh, my God.
Yes! Look at your little feet going.
May, you're a different man in this car! Time for the hand-brake, are you ready? Righto.
Hey! Not bad.
Not bad for a circuit driver.
I see dust, that's got to be them.
That could be them.
Oh! That's just He's getting better! 'James had almost caught the Aussies 'but then, with just two miles to go, disaster.
' I know this stuff, this is asphalt.
Yep.
Now I'm back in business! That's quite brisk now! 'Luckily, James preferred the tarmac surface too.
' Oh, he's in the zone! Come on, Stevie, keep going! Not far to go now! 'Even though we were right on their tail, it didn't look 'like we would be able to pass, but let's not forget, this was James at the wheel!' Oh! Argh! Oh, my God, Stig James, you've gone mad! What's he doing? Unbelievable! It really is.
He's good.
OK, I can hear 'em.
Yeah.
Keep going.
We've got to beat The Stig.
Come on, James, this is your moment! Oh! Ooh! Who is that? That can't be James? Not driving Yes! It's the United Kingdom! Oh, mate! Yes, stay cool! Yeah! Bruce! Sorry about that, Bruces.
Can James get out? He's overcome.
He's overcome.
He's actually asleep.
He sleeps it off.
He doesn't look asleep.
Very tired, very tired.
Bruce Unbelievable.
Well, you came second which means you lost! APPLAUSE Well done, mate! Well done.
Lovely.
Was it just me or did anyone else see that funny looking bloke who put his face round the tree? Yes! No! That hideously ugly tree troll that put its ghastly gargoyle face round the tree and then disappeared? Can I just stop you for a moment, because since we filmed that, obviously Australia has been blighted with terrible floods, a lot of people were killed, a lot of people are missing.
If you're one of the people whose house is now several miles from where you left it, we would just like to say we are thinking of you and we wish you all the very best.
You're being nice.
I know.
On that bombshell, it's time to end.
Thank you very much for watching, good night!