Top Gear (2002) s16e05 Episode Script
Snowbine Harvester
Top Gear S16E05.
Tonight Richard wears a blue hat, James wears a different hat and I wear a hat with things on it.
Hello! Thank you.
Now, as you may remember, before Christmas there was a bit of snow.
Everything stopped, we all ran about waving arms in the air saying, "Why in this country do we not have more snow ploughs and more gritting machines?" The main problem of course is cost, especially at the moment, because councils everywhere are laying people off.
They cannot very well make a whole department redundant and then spend the ï¿¡90,000 they have saved on a snow plough.
Especially if the snow plough is just going to be sitting around.
It might not be needed for five years.
Exactly.
So, what is to be done? Well, this is the combine harvester.
It works 24 hours-a-day through August, but then it sits idly in the shed for the rest of the year.
How hard would it be to turn this in winter into a snow plough? To find out, we bought an old model, of this very combine in fact, and set about making the necessary modifications at Top Gear's top-secret testing facility in Nottinghamshire.
On the B6011, Just North of Bestwood, St Albans.
This is the result of our endeavours.
Straight away you can see we have removed the rotating, cutting, harvesty blade thing off the front and replaced it with this snow blade.
It is V-shaped, because that makes it more easy to cut through the snow.
This should be able to move through snow up to three feet deep, no problem.
Power comes from a V8 diesel engine which drives these chunky front wheels.
In the snow, as any BMW driver will tell you, front-wheel drive is a lot better than rear-wheel-drive.
The combine, when you think about it, it is almost as if it was designed with snow clearance in mind.
It is uncanny.
Everything about it, it has the ground clearance, knobbly tyres, front-wheel drive, the weight of it, it is all there.
This is one of those times on top gear actually We have accidentally been a bit clever! this might work.
Since the dominator has a top speed of just 12mph, it's easy to decide which one of us would be the driver.
What happens if I put it on full? BLEEP.
I don't like that! Give it the beans! Faster! Hang on, it is not like a rally car.
He is going the wrong way.
Rear wheel steering, look.
It is not very sensitive steering.
BLEEP.
Oh, BLEEP.
There is of course, one drawback to the combine as a snow plough.
Because it was designed to work in August, it has no heater.
Which is why there is a drum in there, you can probably see through the window, and that is an urn.
We put that in there.
Full of Well, we wanted tea, but James said 'I want Bovril'.
Because he is in 1950.
We all know that when it is snowing and it is cold, you have Bovril.
That is a rule of life.
He likes to paint himself all over in it, it is like baby oil to him.
That is what he does.
Him and his lorry driver friends, all Bovrilled up, and then they slip about.
That is what they do! "Besides attaching a plough on the front, we also converted the tube that normally shoots out the harvested wheat into a makeshift gritter".
I shall be responsible for shovelling the grit from here into this hopper.
I should be good at this, because my first job was actually shovelling grit into a water filtration plant.
Go on then, shovel.
Make shovelling.
While he is doing that, I shall explain my role.
I can use this lever here to swing the arm to direct the flow of grit on to the pavement or onto the road behind.
Yes, look at this! Initiating gritting.
Yes! And there was grit! We have made a gritting machine! "But there was one more check we wanted to do".
You know what it is like when you are following a gritting lorry on the motorway you can go 'No, it is turning my car into a DeLorean!'.
Exactly.
So, to make sure this is not too powerful, we have got Hammond in a car.
We are going to do a little experiment, fire the gritter at it, make sure it does not actually take the paint off.
It will be all right sideways, won't it? Yes, yes.
OK James, engage.
Initiating gritting.
Stop it James, there has been a problem! Make it stop! Gritting ceased.
"Apart from the fact that the grit would kill the occupants of any car it hit," we felt that the dominator was ready to start work, but there was a problem".
It is not going to snow, is it? "With crossed fingers, we tuned in to the weather forecast".
Good afternoon Shh! We are going to see a change in our weather later on this week.
Temperatures really starting to climb, things heading much milder.
We have had a fair bit of cloud around already The good news is there is absolutely no sign of the cold air returning in the near future, it is a very mild outlook.
The reason we have got all this warm air, it is pumping up from the tropics.
What does he know? He does not have to rub it in, does he? He sounds all gleeful about it.
"So, if the snow would not come to the dominator, we would take the dominator to the snow.
" Here in Norway, we decided to clear the snow from a frozen lake to make a runway and then a Nor would land his plane on it".
This is quite snowy.
It must have snowed.
"We knew the ice would be thick enough for a light aircraft, but what about our heavy snowbine?".
Ooh, oh.
I thought he would be drilling for hours! That was 10 seconds! Seriously, has that gone through? Yes.
Norwegians actually have a chart to say how much weight you can put on various thicknesses of ice.
So, how thick is it? 45 centimetres.
Well, say 50 let's say 40.
It is 45.
So 50 centimetres of ice, 12 tonnes.
Combine is more than that.
It is 13 tonnes.
So, we can't do it? Well it is only a tonne over.
"Bravely, Hammond and the optimistic Jeremy decided not to be on board," as I gingerly drove the snowbine out of the woods, towards the ice".
Three yards to the lake, this is it! I do not like that noise! "Eventually though, I made it".
I or did I not say we would be all right? Was that or was that not based entirely on guesswork? "As my guesswork was correct, we set to work".
We are ploughing.
We are ploughing chaps, look at this.
Here we go! The snowbinester - it works! Yes! Come on! This is.
.
Oh! I think we have just gone through it.
Ho-ho, yes we have! Is not an emergency, it is just time to empty your bowels.
Sinking! Sinking! "Bravely, Jeremy dismounted".
Back it up! "And then he started to issue orders".
That is sinking badly.
Put your blade down because that has just gone through again.
"When the combine finally moved, we could see the scale of the peril".
That is 300 metres deep.
It's just water.
"However, unlike the snowplough people at Heathrow Airport, we decided not to just give up".
Do you know how many flights were cancelled in Heathrow last year, because of the weather? Do you know how many flights were cancelled in Oslo because of the weather? Heathrow 3700.
"As we were proving, all of that misery was completely un-necessary".
There really is no excuse.
Heathrow, BAA, if you're watching this, you're pathetic.
And if anybody in a meeting says "Oh well, the reason why it was shut is", sack him.
There is no reason why it was shut because it is not difficult to clear a runway.
It just is not.
"My rant was interrupted at this point by news from below decks".
The Bovril is boiling over.
"Up top, Hammond was still fretting about the ice".
Oh my god, that is another crack there, look.
Yep.
Big one.
When we go through, it is going to be worse for him.
Oh god yes, because he will be pawing a t the glass, desperate.
"Right now though, he was pawing at the steering wheel".
James, James, go right you idiot! Stay right, it is a straight line we are looking for! I think this will be a tricky landing.
We got into a tank slapper.
Look where we're pointing.
James, the trees indicate land.
"Eventually though, James are mastered at the rear wheel steering".
I am waiting to look behind us and see a runway, complete with lights and everything.
That is not happening, but it is not bad, look.
"Pretty soon, the runway was finished.
So we pulled over and radioed the pilot, giving him permission to land".
It is not the smoothest runway.
No, but there is less snow on it than there was.
It is smooth enough, isn't it? Well we are about to find out.
Here he comes.
Look at that, job done.
Ladies and gentlemen, we did that! How about that.
"Sadly though, our celebrations were premature".
Oh, oh my God.
That is quite bumpy.
He has crashed.
He has pretty much crashed there.
In time like this, there is only one thing a man can do.
Right, quick, go! Go go go! Right, James, run! That was deeply embarrassing.
I know we are often accused of faking things on this programme, but trust me, you cannot actually fake a plane crash.
I think that it is probably safe to say we will not be getting a Christmas tree for Trafalgar Square this year, from Norway.
Anyway, we will be picking that film up later on.
We want to explain it is not just a massive cocking around.
We really do believe that we were on to something with that snowbine because if you think about it, if it works, farmers can rent out equipment that would normally be sitting idle, councils do not have to maintain a fleet, which savesthem a fortune.
And we get our roads open.
So we really do think it is worth persevering with.
Anyway, now, we are going to do the news.
I want to begin by talking about Nissan.
They have announced they are going to make a new electric sports car which they are going to exhibit at the Geneva Motor Show, which is soon.
That is a picture of it.
They have sent us lots of details about this car.
Interestingly and unusually, they have also sent us a description of the sort of person who will buy it.
An actual biography.
I am quoting now from a Nissan themselves.
They say the driver, Daniel So this guy does not exist, they have made him up? Yes.
They say "Daniel works in tech but lives for the weekend.
On a Friday night after work, he gets behind the wheels of his Esflow, "which instantly links with his pocket PDA" he sounds like a bit of a prat.
He does.
Anyway, "it determines the fastest route to his girlfriend's home.
On Sunday, he drives through the mountains for leisure," on his milk float.
And then he gets home eventually, it is all charged up, and he lives in Barcelona.
Hang on a minute, he's called Daniel? Could he be the Daniel from the Elton John song? Yes, that is who he was writing about.
Hang on.
Daniel is travelling tonight.
In his stupid electric sports car.
I can see the red tail lights#.
No, you would not be able to, would you? It is battery-powered, they will have gone flat.
Daniel's girlfriend is bouncing around on a man with an Aston v8 I have just had a thought.
What is James' middle name? It is Daniel! Yes it is.
Anyway, that is enough Daniel.
Bentley have announced that in the next James Bond book, Wow.
Is that the next James Bond? Look at him.
He looks like an accountant.
What is the book called? On her Majesty's Customs and Excise? Ledger.
Live and Let's File.
I should point out that man is the author of the book, not the new bond.
Sorry.
I do not know why you would want a modern Bentley anyway, I drove one in Albania recently and it was terrible.
I was killed in it.
You were! So it was not all bad.
Now, you know infinity? You mean when James explains how something works? And infinity just stretches out in front of you forever.
No, not endless time and space, Infinity, the Japanese car maker.
Oh, yeah.
They are Datsuns with a bit of velvet in them, Basically.
A bit like Lexus is to Toyota.
Well, at the Geneva Motor Show, they have announced they are going to show off a new direction they are going in.
This is the car they will be showing, it is a concept, I think it looks like an ordinary car that has melted.
But what I am worried about his they have called it the Urethra.
Are you sure? It is not actually spelt urethra, but it looks like it is pronounced urethra.
Is the urethra the bit your old chap Isn't it a tube connecting your kidney to your bladder? Where the wee goes a long to get it from your kidney to your bladder? How come you keep saying yes to everything! How come you're such an expert? You look like a scaffolder! Are you actually a wee doctor? Yes.
You are? What are you really? I am a car salesman.
Car salesman.
Anyway, so if you want a melted car named after a tube with urine in it, that is the car for you.
Now, Ferrari.
This year's F1 car they said is going to be called the F150.
Then, they got a call from Ford's lawyers saying.
"No, you cannot do that because we own the name F150 and that will cause confusion.
" So let's have a look at the Ferrari.
This is the F150, this year's F1 car, and now let's have a look at Ford's F150.
It is easy to see how the confusion could arise between the two if you kept them together.
What would be worse than getting pole position sitting on the grid and thinking, "Right, here we go in my big F1 race," why is there a man in a cowboy hat sitting next to me? Oh, no, I am in a pickup truck! " Ferrari actually say, and I am quoting now, it is difficult to understand Ford's viewpoint on this matter.
I am sort of with them.
Anyway, they have changed the name.
The Ferrari Formula One car is now called the Ferrari F-Henry Ford is a massive peach.
Two things with the same name do not necessarily have to be confused.
Like Hammond can mean a massive organ, or it can Oh yeah.
Does anybody here play golf? You do? OK, I have got some news about personalised number plates.
I know you love that sort of thing if you play golf.
We have got the new 11 plates coming out very soon, the numbers will be 11.
Obviously, that gives a wealth of possibilities for writing amusing words on your number plate.
Bulldog, Holland, gallop and so on.
The DVLA, which is a big building in Wales are now selling these numbers for between 3,000 and 10,000.
To be fair, it is between 3,000 and 10,000 plus the fine you get for interfering with the letters and numbers on your number plate.
It is true.
We are the only country in the world where the government says if you move the letters and numbers around to make this word you can buy this from us, and then they fine you for moving the letters and numbers around.
It is a bit weird, that.
The interesting thing is that some of the words have been banned for being offensive or sinister.
Words like psycho and vulgar.
But they have allowed ballbag.
They have? No, they haven't.
They have not allowed ballbag, But they have allowed melons.
Isn't that sexist? It is sexist to me.
It is also not fair, because what if you were a wholesaler of giant hold-alls for transporting footballs in large volumes to school playing fields? You might want ballbag.
They are not doing it, but I think it is unlikely it would be bought by a sporting wholesaler.
In the same way that melons would not be bought by a greengrocer.
It would end up on Jordan's pink whore's box.
What? Horse box.
Oh.
What did you think I said? That is what I thought you said.
One of the things we have learned over the years on this show is that if you want a small, fast saloon car, you have to buy a BMW M3.
You can go off and buy a fast Mercedes or a fast Audi if you want, but that is like going out and buying a.
Playstation war game that isn't Call of Duty.
The M3 is the best, and that is an end of it.
Now however, BMW claim they have made it even better.
First of all, it is fitted with a devise that cuts the engine when you stop it is set of lights, and then start it again when you set off.
All on its own, this will solve the Global Warming.
Next, it is available with a matt finish, which is as cool as buying some skinny jeans, and then making an app about them.
There are some drawbacks to this though, first of all, it costs 1,755.
I think it is a lot for a bit of paint.
Plus, you cannot take it in a car-wash or polish it, and you must remove tree sap, dead insects and bird droppings immediately or you will ruin it.
So really, you are paying 1700 quid for some inconvenience.
The biggest new feature is what BMW call the competition pack.
This will cost you 3,300.
For that you get bigger wheels and tyres, a lowered ride height and one or two other software tweaks designed to keep people pointing in vaguely the right direction.
Or if the mood takes you, in completely the wrong direction.
I would love to say at this point that the competition pack has transformed this car into a mesmerising blend of God and Uma Thurman.
But it hasn't.
Truth be told, most of the time it makes absolutely no difference at all.
In a straight line, it is no faster than the standard car.
Around the bends, it feels exactly the same.
Except of course when you eventually spin, it will assume you have arrived at a set of lights and cut the engine.
Why have you done that! Nobody arrives at traffic lights backwards in a cloud of tyre smoke! Stupid thing! However, with the competition pack, you do get one feature that you will notice.
If you push this little button here, twice, you engage sport mode.
It does not make any difference to the speed you go, but it does make the car very uncomfortable.
I know, for example, this runway is very smooth.
But now it feels like I am driving over a teenager's face.
So there we are.
The competition pack.
You spend 58,000 and what you get in exchange is a normal 55,000 M3 with a little button that makes it worse.
So what about this? The new Audi RS5.
This is also 58,000, but it does come with many bells and a fleet of whistles.
It has four wheel drive, a new mechanical centre differential and an electronic gizmo that splits the torque between the rear wheels.
Sounds juicy! And that is before we get to the engine.
A Lamborghini derived 4.
2 litre V8.
Audi has even gone to the trouble of fitting the engine with a device that fires a droplet of petrol into the hot exhaust every time you change gear.
So, ready? They are using the planet's resources to make changing gear sound nice.
I like that.
But can it beat the BMW? Let's find out.
He has 414 brake horsepower, I have 30 more.
I am expecting to just cruise by.
But, the Audi is heavier, and despite the high-tech four-wheel drive it is nowhere near as good on the corners.
I will get him on the next one.
Oh, dear.
No matter, I will get him on the braking I won't get him on the braking.
Ooh er! This is weird, because in all fast Audis I can remember, the engine has always been way out in front of the front axle sticking out like Bruce Forsyth's chin.
In this, they have moved the axle forwards.
The idea being that that would kill the understeer that has always plagued Audis.
Honestly, it really has not worked.
Come on! Turn! The only hope you have of getting past is that eventually, the BMW driver will have to pull over to wipe an insect off the bonnet.
I thought the RS5 would be a modern day version of the original Quattro a hardcore, fire spitting monster.
A machine born in the forests, rough, brutal and exciting.
But it is not.
It is comfortable and relaxing and quiet.
I am sorry, but if that is what you want, why spend 58,000 on a four-wheel drive V8? In short, neither of these cars really works.
As a result, we are back where we started.
If you want a small, fast saloon, buy a standard M3.
What is there to applaud? Let work this out, shall we.
A couple of weeks ago, you reviewed three cars that no one can buy.
And you have just reviewed two cars that no one will want to buy.
I have.
Thank you.
But listen.
I have another problem with the Audi apart from the ones we have already seen.
You know Audi's sponsor, Manchester United? How many people here support Manchester United? Hands up.
It is a few, so they think yes we like Audis.
Now, how many people here hope that Manchester United, the entire team, catch gonorrhoea and are unable to play ever again? That is the problem with a car when its sponsors a football team.
It automatically means that the vast majority of people, my son included, he hates Audis! If anyone does not support that football team Exactly! I do not want to think that divide bought an Audi, any of my money, even a tiny bit, is going to Wayne Rooney.
Or Sir Ferguson.
With his chewing-gum.
Anyway, it is now time to find out how fast these cars go around our track.
That, of course, means handing them over to our tame racing driver.
Some say that in his wallet he keeps a photograph of his wallet.
And that in a recent race, even he was beaten by The King's Speech.
All we know is he is called The Stig.
And they're Off The track is moist and that should favour the four-wheel drive Audi.
Let's see as they come up to the first corner, Audi is OK there.
What about the BMW? No, it is getting a bit out of shape.
A bit squiggly, there.
Tequila! It makes me happy! I have no idea why he is listening to that.
There we are, the RS5's front end washing out.
The BMW still tail happy.
Ok, the Hummerhead.
Will the Audi follow its nose like a truffle pig? It seems to be doing all right.
The tyres are squealing though, with that precise Germanic pain.
BMW drifting like a matt painted lunatic.
Tequila! It makes me happy! Powering into the follow-through.
The Audi has got its dander up now.
Through the tyres, not much in it so far.
Two corners left.
Here they come now on the braking, the RS5 looking a bit squirrelly there.
The brakes I must say are not that great on the track.
They are both slithering through Gambon and there we are, across the line.
So the Audi RS5 did it.
- 1:27:5, so that's there, the moist symbol.
The competition pack, even though it does not have four-wheel drive and the track was a bit wet, Yeah but hang on, where is normal M3? It is there, so it is not as fast.
The M3 is the best car.
It always will be and there is no point ever thinking otherwise.
Now, it is time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
My guest tonight appears in a new film alongside Nicolas Cage, one of those films where everything explodes, there is a car chase and it is all in 3D.
But she did cause a bit of a row in the office.
You see, the producers said, you cannot have her on because nobody has ever heard of her.
I said, yes that is true, but she is bisexual.
And she likes guns and muscle cars.
And I won.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Amber Heard! Carlsberg do not do guests for chat shows but if they did, that is pretty close to perfect.
Where do we begin? I hear that is a good sign.
It is a good sign.
I am trying to think of anybody else I would rather be sitting and talking to now No, can't think of anybody.
The films you have been previously haven't really allow you to indulge this passion for guns and muscle cars, I guess.
Really, what was that, the Pineapple Express, Zombie Land.
.
And then what was that one where you're pretty much naked throughout? The Informers.
The Informers, I've watched it a lot.
I think that's why people watch it at all, to be honest.
I am watching it now.
Come back to me! But the new movie, the new movie Drive Angie in 3-D, Nicolas Cage, this is written with you in mind.
This movie is so BLEEP cool.
It is.
It's loud guns, fast cars and short shorts on me, not Nicolas Cage.
We have actually got a clip of the film.
We will show that to you now.
Let's look at that.
Tell them I'm coming.
You're too late.
Hell already is walking the earth.
He broke out of hell to make things right.
Now he's got one last shot at redemption.
Just so you know I don't pick up hitch-hikers.
I didn't have my thumb out.
Between now and then I'mma mess you up.
That's got all the things we need.
Yeah.
I drove the BLEEP out of that car.
I did almost all my own stunts and jumping out of the car on to the other car I did.
You did do that? Yeah.
That was me.
Presumably you could get that badly wrong and go through the windscreen? We have to do it over and over again.
Doing it once is no problem but doing it ten times every day I came home with bruises and scrapes.
That must take forever.
It does take a long time.
So muscle cars, where does this love come from? I am from Texas and I think that had something to do with it.
It helps being from the south, people are obsessed with their cars there.
Have you got one? Yes, I drive a You have just grown a third leg.
He has.
Has it always been muscle cars or did you go through a period of rabbit or whatever? I have had everything It's a Golf, stupid idiot! Has it always been a love of old American big V8s? I have had a 67 Mercedes, a 62 Checker.
The cab? Yes.
The Mustang is that in Los Angeles? Yes, that's my baby.
What colour is it? It was cherry red until the last time it got stolen.
It gets stolen a lot.
Why does it get stolen so much, I would have thought it was easy to find someone driving a 68 Mustang? Apparently burglars or whatever you call them - car thieves.
Bustards is another one.
I like how you say it.
Anyway, apparently it's easy to find for all sorts of people.
Most people that talk here about car who is live in California have bought a Toyota Prius.
Why haven't you gone down that route? I don't blame people for buying them, that's great, smart.
You have a Prius? I DO NOT have a Prius.
I loath them with an unbridled passion! When people say I have a Prius because I care, I care about the environment, shirts made from leaves.
My shirt is made from leaves.
Is it? No, no.
It's just I mean the Nickell for the batteries in that thing is mined in Canada and it's taken to Norway and go to Japan.
It's done two and a half million miles before you buy it in California.
I just ram into them in your Mustang if I was you.
I have done that in a Checker.
You hit a Prius? I rammed into a couple of them, not just one.
I would have just laughed.
We have done cars now.
We will move on to guns.
You are obviously from Texas, it's part of the culture there, I guess.
You grew up with them.
I grew up around guns, around gun owners and users.
My dad at any given point had several, it's the culture.
I have a gun myself.
What sort? A 357 Magnum.
I have gone again.
Have you ever fired a machine gun? I have.
I have actually.
A automatic weapon, I set fire to Arizona once with one of those, you are just firing away, it's brilliant.
And oh God, the desert is on fire.
Great fun.
Sounds like you know how to party On that bombshell, it's time to end.
Thank you for watching, good night.
Obviously, you are from Texas.
Austin, I believe.
Yeah.
I went there once and went to a bar called the Broken Spoke.
Have you been there? I used to square dance.
You didn't do line dancing? Oh, yeah.
I am from Texas after all.
The guy that ran it, I can remember watching, we don't have none of that fancy water.
I think that was my dad.
So, when you went back to Texas, which is a deeply conservative neck of the woods.
Bible belt.
And said this is my girlfriend, how did it go down? I think that, you know, I have always been I used to go to Catholic school and got in trouble for the books I read, written by George Orwell You read a George Orwell book in Texas? I found myself going against the grain and I have had to confront preconceived notions for what a girl like me should be like my whole life and I have always been myself and done my own thing.
I am surprised you weren't put in an electric chair for reading George Orwell? Because he is a communist.
I carry a gun.
You came here to do your lap wearing those shoes.
These are my driving shoes.
Did you do a lap in those? They wouldn't let me.
They made me wear a helmet too, can you believe that? Made you what? Wear a helmet, with this hair.
You fluffed up nicely.
Thank you.
I have a good fluffer.
Stig, OK, he was very - please don't take this the wrong one, he is a very unusual person he was very disappointed when you arrived because he was expecting Thora Hird, not Amber.
I don't know He has a complete crush on her.
He loves her.
How did you manage to get on with our Cee-apostrophe-d? It did OK on the track.
Don't know if it would be my everyday car, but it did OK on the track.
Shall we find out.
Who would like to see Amber's lap? Here we go.
There's no wheel spin.
I was trying.
What are you wearing on your hands? Gloves.
What, driving gloves? Wow, that's how go through there! Not all the road, but not bad.
Look at those gloves! Are you actually a murderer, part time? Yes! They look like strangler's gloves, to me.
This feels very illegal.
Like it should be illegal.
No no no, you can drive as fast as you like in Britain, you're OK.
There are yellow boxes to record it for you.
They send you a note of praise.
That's not bad, a bit of understeer, not your fault.
This does not have quite the same intensity when you watch it back.
No, you're right.
Open your eyes! Keep your eyes open, you're not going in that corner.
That looks pretty quick, actually.
BLEEP.
Have a look in here, cut it.
That is quite uncomfortable when you do that.
Right, coming up, second to last corner.
This is where most people get it wrong.
I think you're on the wrong side of the road.
There we are, in to Gambon, where Tom Cruise damn nearly rolled over.
And there we are, across the line! Where do you reckon you have come? I have no idea.
Well, Tom Cruise is 1:44:2.
That show-off! It was a bit show-offy.
Cameron Diaz, who you probably also know, is 1:45:2.
Really? Anyway, you did it in one minute, 50.
3.
Which is the slowest dry lap we have ever had! Oh no! It is a record of sorts! The most important thing is that we now know you are a beautiful, well read and intelligent, well travelled, bisexual gun and muscle car enthusiast.
Ladies and gentlemen, you really have struck lucky this week, Amber Heard! Thank you.
Right.
Now.
This evening we solved Britain's financial crisis by making a combine harvester into a snow plough.
Earlier on in Norway, we used it to make a runway on a frozen lake.
If we are honest, things did not go entirely to plan.
No.
The aeroplane that we landed sort of crashed a bit, but never mind that.
We pick up the action later that same evening, heading for a nearby town, where Jeremy was very keen to try out a de-icing he fitted.
I am the God of hellfire and I bring you fire! Yes! "As we entered the town, we all went to action stations.
" I turning the Bovril on.
Hammond! You have got good grit! "Unfortunately, communications were a bit ropey".
Stop! Stop we've hit a building! Fans are on, going forward.
Stop! Stop Stop Stop! James, James stop! No, do not stop.
Drive! Drive! Just drive away, James.
He did it! He did it! "Annoyingly, it was a dead end," so James had to do a three-point turn, which he is not that good at in a normal car".
Stop stop stop! "If I am honest, Jeremy and I were not much help".
Hard left, hard left.
Up to the right.
Not now, wait until the top of the slope! Not now! Maybe straighten up now.
I have also had a wee.
Can you give me sort of clear instructions rather than a load of hysteria? I have no idea what is going on.
"After much palaver, we finally broke free".
We have damaged it quite badly at the back.
And that house.
But it is OK, because we have gritted at least 30 ft of road.
"On the High Street, we had yet more success".
I am in a Ford Sierra Cosworth seat with a flamethrower.
It is not possible to be happier than that.
Here we go, burning the bank! We are gritting, we are flame throwing, we have done a bit of ploughing, it is all marvellous.
We are International Rescue.
We are Thunderbirds! Cruising through Norway, looking for people who need our services.
I have to do the three-point turn now chaps, we are at the end.
I will provide the rear lighting.
It is like a reversing light, this.
Kind of.
When Jeremy fires his flame-thrower, I can see a little bit in that mirror.
Keeps going backwards James.
Oh look! No, no! Look what I have done! What have you done! Go Go Go! "Again, There was only one thing to do.
" Are we running away? I have no idea what is happening.
"After much driving around and doing things, we were hungry, and the tank was empty".
Dive in here for fuel and a bag of crisps and then we will carry on.
Does he realise how much the back swings out!? I am going to clear this thing of snow for them, that will make them happy.
Watch this! Cock! Why have we stopped? I was trying to clear that thing of snow but it has got a car in it.
I was going to be helpful and clear that, there was a car in it.
A car? The whole thing was covered in snow.
I thought it was a pile of snow.
It is not covered in snow! Not any more, you moron! It was! Why did you ram a car? He rammed into a car! I was trying to be helpful! "There was only one thing to do".
Go, go.
Run away, run away.
"So far then, we had crashed a plane, ruined a car, burned a sign and smashed a house.
Then, things got worse".
Hang on, my flame-thrower is jammed! The flame-thrower is jammed! So what are you doing? I can see a yellow mist in the mirror.
There is a man on fire! James, Jeremy has set fire to a skier.
Run away.
I think that if we do get reported to the police, it will not take them very long to find us.
"Still, as we were not actually being stoned by an angry mob," we went to bed that night feeling quite cheerful.
However, the next morning, there was bad news.
What does it actually say? Is it upbeat? I do not think it is going to be upbeat, is it? HE ATTEMPTS TO READ THE NORWEGIAN ARTICLE OUTLOUD.
"An incredibly small man knocked my house"? Good morning! We are in the paper.
It says what a good service we provided? We cleared the snow and No.
"A man who looked like a dog crashed into one of my trees", I do not think it is a good idea to stay here any more.
Can I make a suggestion? Yes.
Since this is a sort of prototype and we are testing it, why don't we go and test it on a country road where there is just snow? No people.
No people or cars or buildings or trees or benches, let's just try and clear some snow.
"This was a good idea.
So we fired up the dominator and" headed for a road so remote, even the Nors had abandoned it to the weather.
A mountain pass called 'the road of terror', probably".
If we can open this one road have proven the work of this machine, internationally.
And I think we will be forgiven for all the small things we have done wrong.
The man on fire, houses, the car and the sign.
"Eventually, we arrived at the gates of a frozen hell".
One of a problems we found yesterday was that you tend to get snow sticking to the plough, building up and it does not work as well.
So, an idea that I had is to cover the plough itself in a mixture of oil and diesel.
I am now doing it, because it is my idea.
He is claiming it is his idea.
I happen to know he was talking to a snowplough driver in the bar last night.
Nothing is going to stick to that.
"With the preparations done, we set off ".
Come on, dominator! "Our destination was a desolate hamlet 10 kilometres away".
Look at that.
Boldly ploughing where no Norwegian has ploughed so far this winter.
This is a 1980s machine, so that is a cassette player.
Do you think James is getting lonely downthere? He will love it.
And I bet 10 million he is fantasising about a being a lone skipper of some weather battered trawler out in the North Sea.
A lone skipper, but with one quite attractive man in the galley.
"With the oiled plough siding nicely through the snow, Jeremy and I swung into action.
" Burn Baby Burn! The gritting is going well, Hammond.
I have lost my wedding ring! What? I have lost my wedding ring! Has it gone in the thing? It must have done.
That is a tricky one to explain.
"Soon though, we had bigger things to worry about than Hammond's ring".
Oh, hang on.
What was that? I nearly went through the windscreen.
"But a snowy hillock was no match for the dominator".
Take this, snow.
Charge! We're through! "However, while the battering ram was OK in this lonely place, the rear wheel steering was a nightmare".
Oh no, no no no! A tank slapper.
Don't do it! It has got a mind of its own! "On the hills, we had a serious power shortage".
James, is that full-speed? Yes it is.
We are stuck.
If you think about it, a combine harvester was designed to never work in the snow, or the rain, or on a hill.
It is always flat ground on lovely summer's evenings.
It is out of its comfort zone here.
"Which meant that sadly, so was I".
He will want the Victoria Cross now, for using a shovel.
He will.
Will I just raise the plough and take his head off? Yes.
Oh, for god's sake! "Each kilometre was now a growing challenge.
My ingenious snow measuring tactic did not go brilliantly".
"But the Top Gear snowbine kept on moving".
Go! Full power! Look at us carving a path.
Look, that is ours.
This road is open and will remain so until it snows again! Tonight, probably.
Or tomorrow.
'Warning - the Top Gear Snowbine Harvester is approaching!'.
This is really annoying.
For the first time in my life I have one of these Tannoy things and there is absolutely nobody to talk to.
James, there is one kilometre to go! One more kilometre and this road is open.
Who fancies a celebratory Bovril, when we get there? Unless Bovril is a code word for something dirty, I do not want to do that.
Hang on, getting a bit of a tank slapper.
It is wandering off! Oh no! BLEEP.
"This time, we had come off the road and into a massive snowdrift".
Jesus wept.
That is a lot of snow.
The snow out here, that we are in, is incredibly deep.
Yes, that is what I feared.
It felt quite deep as it went off the edge.
You can see the extent of the problem is quite big.
A whole machine is BLEEP.
"So, one wheel was stuck and one was spinning uselessly".
Full power! It is not going to do it.
"Spurred on by the previous day's failures, we dug furiously".
Just for once, I want to do something properly.
I want to clear this road and do it.
No cocking about.
This is coming out.
Do not rock it back.
Now forwards! That feels abusive.
I am wearing the clutch out, hang on, it is starting to smell.
Do not stop, James! "With darkness falling and the temperature dropping, this was no time for mechanical sympathy".
Come on, James.
We can do this.
Nearly! Power! Yes, come on! Come on! Yes! Yes! Yes! That's it, climb aboard.
"The dominator surged forwards.
" Soon, our destination hoved into view.
We are so nearly there.
Look at that! That is a blaze of glory! Blaze of glory, grit and Bovril.
Ladies and gentlemen the Top Gear snowbine harvester has arrived.
"And so, there we are.
" For once in our wretched lives on this programme, we had actually done what we set out to do".
You know what? What? We have been ambitious and brilliant, and it is all thanks to the dominator.
Successful.
Gentleman, it has been a pleasure ploughing with you.
It has been a joy and an honour.
That was the right road, wasn't it? We did something! We were actually good! I can hardly believe it but it is true, that's weird.
Some conclusions we can draw from our outstanding success, there.
Britain has 3700 snow ploughs and gritters, and spends 160 million per year clearing snow.
Obviously, that is not enough because every time there is a light flurry, everything shuts down and closes.
That is why our idea makes so much sense because there are 15,000 combine harvesters in Britain.
All it takes to convert them into snowploughs is a spanner and a couple of burly men.
Well, the gritter bit was a bit more complicated.
And the flame-thrower.
I am not sure you need that.
You do.
It is brilliant.
It is a good reversing light.
You set fire to a man.
No, I did not! He spontaneously combusted as we were driving by.
It was incredible.
I have never seen anything like it.
Anyway, the important thing is that our dominator was an old machine.
If we used one of the more modern ones with more power, especially if it had four-wheel drive, it would be brilliant.
It would.
There we are, we have succeed where the Bank of England has failed.
We have solved the country's financial crisis.
And I think we will get marquises now.
I suspect so, yes.
So on that bombshell, it's time to end.
Thank you very much for watching, good night.
Tonight Richard wears a blue hat, James wears a different hat and I wear a hat with things on it.
Hello! Thank you.
Now, as you may remember, before Christmas there was a bit of snow.
Everything stopped, we all ran about waving arms in the air saying, "Why in this country do we not have more snow ploughs and more gritting machines?" The main problem of course is cost, especially at the moment, because councils everywhere are laying people off.
They cannot very well make a whole department redundant and then spend the ï¿¡90,000 they have saved on a snow plough.
Especially if the snow plough is just going to be sitting around.
It might not be needed for five years.
Exactly.
So, what is to be done? Well, this is the combine harvester.
It works 24 hours-a-day through August, but then it sits idly in the shed for the rest of the year.
How hard would it be to turn this in winter into a snow plough? To find out, we bought an old model, of this very combine in fact, and set about making the necessary modifications at Top Gear's top-secret testing facility in Nottinghamshire.
On the B6011, Just North of Bestwood, St Albans.
This is the result of our endeavours.
Straight away you can see we have removed the rotating, cutting, harvesty blade thing off the front and replaced it with this snow blade.
It is V-shaped, because that makes it more easy to cut through the snow.
This should be able to move through snow up to three feet deep, no problem.
Power comes from a V8 diesel engine which drives these chunky front wheels.
In the snow, as any BMW driver will tell you, front-wheel drive is a lot better than rear-wheel-drive.
The combine, when you think about it, it is almost as if it was designed with snow clearance in mind.
It is uncanny.
Everything about it, it has the ground clearance, knobbly tyres, front-wheel drive, the weight of it, it is all there.
This is one of those times on top gear actually We have accidentally been a bit clever! this might work.
Since the dominator has a top speed of just 12mph, it's easy to decide which one of us would be the driver.
What happens if I put it on full? BLEEP.
I don't like that! Give it the beans! Faster! Hang on, it is not like a rally car.
He is going the wrong way.
Rear wheel steering, look.
It is not very sensitive steering.
BLEEP.
Oh, BLEEP.
There is of course, one drawback to the combine as a snow plough.
Because it was designed to work in August, it has no heater.
Which is why there is a drum in there, you can probably see through the window, and that is an urn.
We put that in there.
Full of Well, we wanted tea, but James said 'I want Bovril'.
Because he is in 1950.
We all know that when it is snowing and it is cold, you have Bovril.
That is a rule of life.
He likes to paint himself all over in it, it is like baby oil to him.
That is what he does.
Him and his lorry driver friends, all Bovrilled up, and then they slip about.
That is what they do! "Besides attaching a plough on the front, we also converted the tube that normally shoots out the harvested wheat into a makeshift gritter".
I shall be responsible for shovelling the grit from here into this hopper.
I should be good at this, because my first job was actually shovelling grit into a water filtration plant.
Go on then, shovel.
Make shovelling.
While he is doing that, I shall explain my role.
I can use this lever here to swing the arm to direct the flow of grit on to the pavement or onto the road behind.
Yes, look at this! Initiating gritting.
Yes! And there was grit! We have made a gritting machine! "But there was one more check we wanted to do".
You know what it is like when you are following a gritting lorry on the motorway you can go 'No, it is turning my car into a DeLorean!'.
Exactly.
So, to make sure this is not too powerful, we have got Hammond in a car.
We are going to do a little experiment, fire the gritter at it, make sure it does not actually take the paint off.
It will be all right sideways, won't it? Yes, yes.
OK James, engage.
Initiating gritting.
Stop it James, there has been a problem! Make it stop! Gritting ceased.
"Apart from the fact that the grit would kill the occupants of any car it hit," we felt that the dominator was ready to start work, but there was a problem".
It is not going to snow, is it? "With crossed fingers, we tuned in to the weather forecast".
Good afternoon Shh! We are going to see a change in our weather later on this week.
Temperatures really starting to climb, things heading much milder.
We have had a fair bit of cloud around already The good news is there is absolutely no sign of the cold air returning in the near future, it is a very mild outlook.
The reason we have got all this warm air, it is pumping up from the tropics.
What does he know? He does not have to rub it in, does he? He sounds all gleeful about it.
"So, if the snow would not come to the dominator, we would take the dominator to the snow.
" Here in Norway, we decided to clear the snow from a frozen lake to make a runway and then a Nor would land his plane on it".
This is quite snowy.
It must have snowed.
"We knew the ice would be thick enough for a light aircraft, but what about our heavy snowbine?".
Ooh, oh.
I thought he would be drilling for hours! That was 10 seconds! Seriously, has that gone through? Yes.
Norwegians actually have a chart to say how much weight you can put on various thicknesses of ice.
So, how thick is it? 45 centimetres.
Well, say 50 let's say 40.
It is 45.
So 50 centimetres of ice, 12 tonnes.
Combine is more than that.
It is 13 tonnes.
So, we can't do it? Well it is only a tonne over.
"Bravely, Hammond and the optimistic Jeremy decided not to be on board," as I gingerly drove the snowbine out of the woods, towards the ice".
Three yards to the lake, this is it! I do not like that noise! "Eventually though, I made it".
I or did I not say we would be all right? Was that or was that not based entirely on guesswork? "As my guesswork was correct, we set to work".
We are ploughing.
We are ploughing chaps, look at this.
Here we go! The snowbinester - it works! Yes! Come on! This is.
.
Oh! I think we have just gone through it.
Ho-ho, yes we have! Is not an emergency, it is just time to empty your bowels.
Sinking! Sinking! "Bravely, Jeremy dismounted".
Back it up! "And then he started to issue orders".
That is sinking badly.
Put your blade down because that has just gone through again.
"When the combine finally moved, we could see the scale of the peril".
That is 300 metres deep.
It's just water.
"However, unlike the snowplough people at Heathrow Airport, we decided not to just give up".
Do you know how many flights were cancelled in Heathrow last year, because of the weather? Do you know how many flights were cancelled in Oslo because of the weather? Heathrow 3700.
"As we were proving, all of that misery was completely un-necessary".
There really is no excuse.
Heathrow, BAA, if you're watching this, you're pathetic.
And if anybody in a meeting says "Oh well, the reason why it was shut is", sack him.
There is no reason why it was shut because it is not difficult to clear a runway.
It just is not.
"My rant was interrupted at this point by news from below decks".
The Bovril is boiling over.
"Up top, Hammond was still fretting about the ice".
Oh my god, that is another crack there, look.
Yep.
Big one.
When we go through, it is going to be worse for him.
Oh god yes, because he will be pawing a t the glass, desperate.
"Right now though, he was pawing at the steering wheel".
James, James, go right you idiot! Stay right, it is a straight line we are looking for! I think this will be a tricky landing.
We got into a tank slapper.
Look where we're pointing.
James, the trees indicate land.
"Eventually though, James are mastered at the rear wheel steering".
I am waiting to look behind us and see a runway, complete with lights and everything.
That is not happening, but it is not bad, look.
"Pretty soon, the runway was finished.
So we pulled over and radioed the pilot, giving him permission to land".
It is not the smoothest runway.
No, but there is less snow on it than there was.
It is smooth enough, isn't it? Well we are about to find out.
Here he comes.
Look at that, job done.
Ladies and gentlemen, we did that! How about that.
"Sadly though, our celebrations were premature".
Oh, oh my God.
That is quite bumpy.
He has crashed.
He has pretty much crashed there.
In time like this, there is only one thing a man can do.
Right, quick, go! Go go go! Right, James, run! That was deeply embarrassing.
I know we are often accused of faking things on this programme, but trust me, you cannot actually fake a plane crash.
I think that it is probably safe to say we will not be getting a Christmas tree for Trafalgar Square this year, from Norway.
Anyway, we will be picking that film up later on.
We want to explain it is not just a massive cocking around.
We really do believe that we were on to something with that snowbine because if you think about it, if it works, farmers can rent out equipment that would normally be sitting idle, councils do not have to maintain a fleet, which savesthem a fortune.
And we get our roads open.
So we really do think it is worth persevering with.
Anyway, now, we are going to do the news.
I want to begin by talking about Nissan.
They have announced they are going to make a new electric sports car which they are going to exhibit at the Geneva Motor Show, which is soon.
That is a picture of it.
They have sent us lots of details about this car.
Interestingly and unusually, they have also sent us a description of the sort of person who will buy it.
An actual biography.
I am quoting now from a Nissan themselves.
They say the driver, Daniel So this guy does not exist, they have made him up? Yes.
They say "Daniel works in tech but lives for the weekend.
On a Friday night after work, he gets behind the wheels of his Esflow, "which instantly links with his pocket PDA" he sounds like a bit of a prat.
He does.
Anyway, "it determines the fastest route to his girlfriend's home.
On Sunday, he drives through the mountains for leisure," on his milk float.
And then he gets home eventually, it is all charged up, and he lives in Barcelona.
Hang on a minute, he's called Daniel? Could he be the Daniel from the Elton John song? Yes, that is who he was writing about.
Hang on.
Daniel is travelling tonight.
In his stupid electric sports car.
I can see the red tail lights#.
No, you would not be able to, would you? It is battery-powered, they will have gone flat.
Daniel's girlfriend is bouncing around on a man with an Aston v8 I have just had a thought.
What is James' middle name? It is Daniel! Yes it is.
Anyway, that is enough Daniel.
Bentley have announced that in the next James Bond book, Wow.
Is that the next James Bond? Look at him.
He looks like an accountant.
What is the book called? On her Majesty's Customs and Excise? Ledger.
Live and Let's File.
I should point out that man is the author of the book, not the new bond.
Sorry.
I do not know why you would want a modern Bentley anyway, I drove one in Albania recently and it was terrible.
I was killed in it.
You were! So it was not all bad.
Now, you know infinity? You mean when James explains how something works? And infinity just stretches out in front of you forever.
No, not endless time and space, Infinity, the Japanese car maker.
Oh, yeah.
They are Datsuns with a bit of velvet in them, Basically.
A bit like Lexus is to Toyota.
Well, at the Geneva Motor Show, they have announced they are going to show off a new direction they are going in.
This is the car they will be showing, it is a concept, I think it looks like an ordinary car that has melted.
But what I am worried about his they have called it the Urethra.
Are you sure? It is not actually spelt urethra, but it looks like it is pronounced urethra.
Is the urethra the bit your old chap Isn't it a tube connecting your kidney to your bladder? Where the wee goes a long to get it from your kidney to your bladder? How come you keep saying yes to everything! How come you're such an expert? You look like a scaffolder! Are you actually a wee doctor? Yes.
You are? What are you really? I am a car salesman.
Car salesman.
Anyway, so if you want a melted car named after a tube with urine in it, that is the car for you.
Now, Ferrari.
This year's F1 car they said is going to be called the F150.
Then, they got a call from Ford's lawyers saying.
"No, you cannot do that because we own the name F150 and that will cause confusion.
" So let's have a look at the Ferrari.
This is the F150, this year's F1 car, and now let's have a look at Ford's F150.
It is easy to see how the confusion could arise between the two if you kept them together.
What would be worse than getting pole position sitting on the grid and thinking, "Right, here we go in my big F1 race," why is there a man in a cowboy hat sitting next to me? Oh, no, I am in a pickup truck! " Ferrari actually say, and I am quoting now, it is difficult to understand Ford's viewpoint on this matter.
I am sort of with them.
Anyway, they have changed the name.
The Ferrari Formula One car is now called the Ferrari F-Henry Ford is a massive peach.
Two things with the same name do not necessarily have to be confused.
Like Hammond can mean a massive organ, or it can Oh yeah.
Does anybody here play golf? You do? OK, I have got some news about personalised number plates.
I know you love that sort of thing if you play golf.
We have got the new 11 plates coming out very soon, the numbers will be 11.
Obviously, that gives a wealth of possibilities for writing amusing words on your number plate.
Bulldog, Holland, gallop and so on.
The DVLA, which is a big building in Wales are now selling these numbers for between 3,000 and 10,000.
To be fair, it is between 3,000 and 10,000 plus the fine you get for interfering with the letters and numbers on your number plate.
It is true.
We are the only country in the world where the government says if you move the letters and numbers around to make this word you can buy this from us, and then they fine you for moving the letters and numbers around.
It is a bit weird, that.
The interesting thing is that some of the words have been banned for being offensive or sinister.
Words like psycho and vulgar.
But they have allowed ballbag.
They have? No, they haven't.
They have not allowed ballbag, But they have allowed melons.
Isn't that sexist? It is sexist to me.
It is also not fair, because what if you were a wholesaler of giant hold-alls for transporting footballs in large volumes to school playing fields? You might want ballbag.
They are not doing it, but I think it is unlikely it would be bought by a sporting wholesaler.
In the same way that melons would not be bought by a greengrocer.
It would end up on Jordan's pink whore's box.
What? Horse box.
Oh.
What did you think I said? That is what I thought you said.
One of the things we have learned over the years on this show is that if you want a small, fast saloon car, you have to buy a BMW M3.
You can go off and buy a fast Mercedes or a fast Audi if you want, but that is like going out and buying a.
Playstation war game that isn't Call of Duty.
The M3 is the best, and that is an end of it.
Now however, BMW claim they have made it even better.
First of all, it is fitted with a devise that cuts the engine when you stop it is set of lights, and then start it again when you set off.
All on its own, this will solve the Global Warming.
Next, it is available with a matt finish, which is as cool as buying some skinny jeans, and then making an app about them.
There are some drawbacks to this though, first of all, it costs 1,755.
I think it is a lot for a bit of paint.
Plus, you cannot take it in a car-wash or polish it, and you must remove tree sap, dead insects and bird droppings immediately or you will ruin it.
So really, you are paying 1700 quid for some inconvenience.
The biggest new feature is what BMW call the competition pack.
This will cost you 3,300.
For that you get bigger wheels and tyres, a lowered ride height and one or two other software tweaks designed to keep people pointing in vaguely the right direction.
Or if the mood takes you, in completely the wrong direction.
I would love to say at this point that the competition pack has transformed this car into a mesmerising blend of God and Uma Thurman.
But it hasn't.
Truth be told, most of the time it makes absolutely no difference at all.
In a straight line, it is no faster than the standard car.
Around the bends, it feels exactly the same.
Except of course when you eventually spin, it will assume you have arrived at a set of lights and cut the engine.
Why have you done that! Nobody arrives at traffic lights backwards in a cloud of tyre smoke! Stupid thing! However, with the competition pack, you do get one feature that you will notice.
If you push this little button here, twice, you engage sport mode.
It does not make any difference to the speed you go, but it does make the car very uncomfortable.
I know, for example, this runway is very smooth.
But now it feels like I am driving over a teenager's face.
So there we are.
The competition pack.
You spend 58,000 and what you get in exchange is a normal 55,000 M3 with a little button that makes it worse.
So what about this? The new Audi RS5.
This is also 58,000, but it does come with many bells and a fleet of whistles.
It has four wheel drive, a new mechanical centre differential and an electronic gizmo that splits the torque between the rear wheels.
Sounds juicy! And that is before we get to the engine.
A Lamborghini derived 4.
2 litre V8.
Audi has even gone to the trouble of fitting the engine with a device that fires a droplet of petrol into the hot exhaust every time you change gear.
So, ready? They are using the planet's resources to make changing gear sound nice.
I like that.
But can it beat the BMW? Let's find out.
He has 414 brake horsepower, I have 30 more.
I am expecting to just cruise by.
But, the Audi is heavier, and despite the high-tech four-wheel drive it is nowhere near as good on the corners.
I will get him on the next one.
Oh, dear.
No matter, I will get him on the braking I won't get him on the braking.
Ooh er! This is weird, because in all fast Audis I can remember, the engine has always been way out in front of the front axle sticking out like Bruce Forsyth's chin.
In this, they have moved the axle forwards.
The idea being that that would kill the understeer that has always plagued Audis.
Honestly, it really has not worked.
Come on! Turn! The only hope you have of getting past is that eventually, the BMW driver will have to pull over to wipe an insect off the bonnet.
I thought the RS5 would be a modern day version of the original Quattro a hardcore, fire spitting monster.
A machine born in the forests, rough, brutal and exciting.
But it is not.
It is comfortable and relaxing and quiet.
I am sorry, but if that is what you want, why spend 58,000 on a four-wheel drive V8? In short, neither of these cars really works.
As a result, we are back where we started.
If you want a small, fast saloon, buy a standard M3.
What is there to applaud? Let work this out, shall we.
A couple of weeks ago, you reviewed three cars that no one can buy.
And you have just reviewed two cars that no one will want to buy.
I have.
Thank you.
But listen.
I have another problem with the Audi apart from the ones we have already seen.
You know Audi's sponsor, Manchester United? How many people here support Manchester United? Hands up.
It is a few, so they think yes we like Audis.
Now, how many people here hope that Manchester United, the entire team, catch gonorrhoea and are unable to play ever again? That is the problem with a car when its sponsors a football team.
It automatically means that the vast majority of people, my son included, he hates Audis! If anyone does not support that football team Exactly! I do not want to think that divide bought an Audi, any of my money, even a tiny bit, is going to Wayne Rooney.
Or Sir Ferguson.
With his chewing-gum.
Anyway, it is now time to find out how fast these cars go around our track.
That, of course, means handing them over to our tame racing driver.
Some say that in his wallet he keeps a photograph of his wallet.
And that in a recent race, even he was beaten by The King's Speech.
All we know is he is called The Stig.
And they're Off The track is moist and that should favour the four-wheel drive Audi.
Let's see as they come up to the first corner, Audi is OK there.
What about the BMW? No, it is getting a bit out of shape.
A bit squiggly, there.
Tequila! It makes me happy! I have no idea why he is listening to that.
There we are, the RS5's front end washing out.
The BMW still tail happy.
Ok, the Hummerhead.
Will the Audi follow its nose like a truffle pig? It seems to be doing all right.
The tyres are squealing though, with that precise Germanic pain.
BMW drifting like a matt painted lunatic.
Tequila! It makes me happy! Powering into the follow-through.
The Audi has got its dander up now.
Through the tyres, not much in it so far.
Two corners left.
Here they come now on the braking, the RS5 looking a bit squirrelly there.
The brakes I must say are not that great on the track.
They are both slithering through Gambon and there we are, across the line.
So the Audi RS5 did it.
- 1:27:5, so that's there, the moist symbol.
The competition pack, even though it does not have four-wheel drive and the track was a bit wet, Yeah but hang on, where is normal M3? It is there, so it is not as fast.
The M3 is the best car.
It always will be and there is no point ever thinking otherwise.
Now, it is time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
My guest tonight appears in a new film alongside Nicolas Cage, one of those films where everything explodes, there is a car chase and it is all in 3D.
But she did cause a bit of a row in the office.
You see, the producers said, you cannot have her on because nobody has ever heard of her.
I said, yes that is true, but she is bisexual.
And she likes guns and muscle cars.
And I won.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Amber Heard! Carlsberg do not do guests for chat shows but if they did, that is pretty close to perfect.
Where do we begin? I hear that is a good sign.
It is a good sign.
I am trying to think of anybody else I would rather be sitting and talking to now No, can't think of anybody.
The films you have been previously haven't really allow you to indulge this passion for guns and muscle cars, I guess.
Really, what was that, the Pineapple Express, Zombie Land.
.
And then what was that one where you're pretty much naked throughout? The Informers.
The Informers, I've watched it a lot.
I think that's why people watch it at all, to be honest.
I am watching it now.
Come back to me! But the new movie, the new movie Drive Angie in 3-D, Nicolas Cage, this is written with you in mind.
This movie is so BLEEP cool.
It is.
It's loud guns, fast cars and short shorts on me, not Nicolas Cage.
We have actually got a clip of the film.
We will show that to you now.
Let's look at that.
Tell them I'm coming.
You're too late.
Hell already is walking the earth.
He broke out of hell to make things right.
Now he's got one last shot at redemption.
Just so you know I don't pick up hitch-hikers.
I didn't have my thumb out.
Between now and then I'mma mess you up.
That's got all the things we need.
Yeah.
I drove the BLEEP out of that car.
I did almost all my own stunts and jumping out of the car on to the other car I did.
You did do that? Yeah.
That was me.
Presumably you could get that badly wrong and go through the windscreen? We have to do it over and over again.
Doing it once is no problem but doing it ten times every day I came home with bruises and scrapes.
That must take forever.
It does take a long time.
So muscle cars, where does this love come from? I am from Texas and I think that had something to do with it.
It helps being from the south, people are obsessed with their cars there.
Have you got one? Yes, I drive a You have just grown a third leg.
He has.
Has it always been muscle cars or did you go through a period of rabbit or whatever? I have had everything It's a Golf, stupid idiot! Has it always been a love of old American big V8s? I have had a 67 Mercedes, a 62 Checker.
The cab? Yes.
The Mustang is that in Los Angeles? Yes, that's my baby.
What colour is it? It was cherry red until the last time it got stolen.
It gets stolen a lot.
Why does it get stolen so much, I would have thought it was easy to find someone driving a 68 Mustang? Apparently burglars or whatever you call them - car thieves.
Bustards is another one.
I like how you say it.
Anyway, apparently it's easy to find for all sorts of people.
Most people that talk here about car who is live in California have bought a Toyota Prius.
Why haven't you gone down that route? I don't blame people for buying them, that's great, smart.
You have a Prius? I DO NOT have a Prius.
I loath them with an unbridled passion! When people say I have a Prius because I care, I care about the environment, shirts made from leaves.
My shirt is made from leaves.
Is it? No, no.
It's just I mean the Nickell for the batteries in that thing is mined in Canada and it's taken to Norway and go to Japan.
It's done two and a half million miles before you buy it in California.
I just ram into them in your Mustang if I was you.
I have done that in a Checker.
You hit a Prius? I rammed into a couple of them, not just one.
I would have just laughed.
We have done cars now.
We will move on to guns.
You are obviously from Texas, it's part of the culture there, I guess.
You grew up with them.
I grew up around guns, around gun owners and users.
My dad at any given point had several, it's the culture.
I have a gun myself.
What sort? A 357 Magnum.
I have gone again.
Have you ever fired a machine gun? I have.
I have actually.
A automatic weapon, I set fire to Arizona once with one of those, you are just firing away, it's brilliant.
And oh God, the desert is on fire.
Great fun.
Sounds like you know how to party On that bombshell, it's time to end.
Thank you for watching, good night.
Obviously, you are from Texas.
Austin, I believe.
Yeah.
I went there once and went to a bar called the Broken Spoke.
Have you been there? I used to square dance.
You didn't do line dancing? Oh, yeah.
I am from Texas after all.
The guy that ran it, I can remember watching, we don't have none of that fancy water.
I think that was my dad.
So, when you went back to Texas, which is a deeply conservative neck of the woods.
Bible belt.
And said this is my girlfriend, how did it go down? I think that, you know, I have always been I used to go to Catholic school and got in trouble for the books I read, written by George Orwell You read a George Orwell book in Texas? I found myself going against the grain and I have had to confront preconceived notions for what a girl like me should be like my whole life and I have always been myself and done my own thing.
I am surprised you weren't put in an electric chair for reading George Orwell? Because he is a communist.
I carry a gun.
You came here to do your lap wearing those shoes.
These are my driving shoes.
Did you do a lap in those? They wouldn't let me.
They made me wear a helmet too, can you believe that? Made you what? Wear a helmet, with this hair.
You fluffed up nicely.
Thank you.
I have a good fluffer.
Stig, OK, he was very - please don't take this the wrong one, he is a very unusual person he was very disappointed when you arrived because he was expecting Thora Hird, not Amber.
I don't know He has a complete crush on her.
He loves her.
How did you manage to get on with our Cee-apostrophe-d? It did OK on the track.
Don't know if it would be my everyday car, but it did OK on the track.
Shall we find out.
Who would like to see Amber's lap? Here we go.
There's no wheel spin.
I was trying.
What are you wearing on your hands? Gloves.
What, driving gloves? Wow, that's how go through there! Not all the road, but not bad.
Look at those gloves! Are you actually a murderer, part time? Yes! They look like strangler's gloves, to me.
This feels very illegal.
Like it should be illegal.
No no no, you can drive as fast as you like in Britain, you're OK.
There are yellow boxes to record it for you.
They send you a note of praise.
That's not bad, a bit of understeer, not your fault.
This does not have quite the same intensity when you watch it back.
No, you're right.
Open your eyes! Keep your eyes open, you're not going in that corner.
That looks pretty quick, actually.
BLEEP.
Have a look in here, cut it.
That is quite uncomfortable when you do that.
Right, coming up, second to last corner.
This is where most people get it wrong.
I think you're on the wrong side of the road.
There we are, in to Gambon, where Tom Cruise damn nearly rolled over.
And there we are, across the line! Where do you reckon you have come? I have no idea.
Well, Tom Cruise is 1:44:2.
That show-off! It was a bit show-offy.
Cameron Diaz, who you probably also know, is 1:45:2.
Really? Anyway, you did it in one minute, 50.
3.
Which is the slowest dry lap we have ever had! Oh no! It is a record of sorts! The most important thing is that we now know you are a beautiful, well read and intelligent, well travelled, bisexual gun and muscle car enthusiast.
Ladies and gentlemen, you really have struck lucky this week, Amber Heard! Thank you.
Right.
Now.
This evening we solved Britain's financial crisis by making a combine harvester into a snow plough.
Earlier on in Norway, we used it to make a runway on a frozen lake.
If we are honest, things did not go entirely to plan.
No.
The aeroplane that we landed sort of crashed a bit, but never mind that.
We pick up the action later that same evening, heading for a nearby town, where Jeremy was very keen to try out a de-icing he fitted.
I am the God of hellfire and I bring you fire! Yes! "As we entered the town, we all went to action stations.
" I turning the Bovril on.
Hammond! You have got good grit! "Unfortunately, communications were a bit ropey".
Stop! Stop we've hit a building! Fans are on, going forward.
Stop! Stop Stop Stop! James, James stop! No, do not stop.
Drive! Drive! Just drive away, James.
He did it! He did it! "Annoyingly, it was a dead end," so James had to do a three-point turn, which he is not that good at in a normal car".
Stop stop stop! "If I am honest, Jeremy and I were not much help".
Hard left, hard left.
Up to the right.
Not now, wait until the top of the slope! Not now! Maybe straighten up now.
I have also had a wee.
Can you give me sort of clear instructions rather than a load of hysteria? I have no idea what is going on.
"After much palaver, we finally broke free".
We have damaged it quite badly at the back.
And that house.
But it is OK, because we have gritted at least 30 ft of road.
"On the High Street, we had yet more success".
I am in a Ford Sierra Cosworth seat with a flamethrower.
It is not possible to be happier than that.
Here we go, burning the bank! We are gritting, we are flame throwing, we have done a bit of ploughing, it is all marvellous.
We are International Rescue.
We are Thunderbirds! Cruising through Norway, looking for people who need our services.
I have to do the three-point turn now chaps, we are at the end.
I will provide the rear lighting.
It is like a reversing light, this.
Kind of.
When Jeremy fires his flame-thrower, I can see a little bit in that mirror.
Keeps going backwards James.
Oh look! No, no! Look what I have done! What have you done! Go Go Go! "Again, There was only one thing to do.
" Are we running away? I have no idea what is happening.
"After much driving around and doing things, we were hungry, and the tank was empty".
Dive in here for fuel and a bag of crisps and then we will carry on.
Does he realise how much the back swings out!? I am going to clear this thing of snow for them, that will make them happy.
Watch this! Cock! Why have we stopped? I was trying to clear that thing of snow but it has got a car in it.
I was going to be helpful and clear that, there was a car in it.
A car? The whole thing was covered in snow.
I thought it was a pile of snow.
It is not covered in snow! Not any more, you moron! It was! Why did you ram a car? He rammed into a car! I was trying to be helpful! "There was only one thing to do".
Go, go.
Run away, run away.
"So far then, we had crashed a plane, ruined a car, burned a sign and smashed a house.
Then, things got worse".
Hang on, my flame-thrower is jammed! The flame-thrower is jammed! So what are you doing? I can see a yellow mist in the mirror.
There is a man on fire! James, Jeremy has set fire to a skier.
Run away.
I think that if we do get reported to the police, it will not take them very long to find us.
"Still, as we were not actually being stoned by an angry mob," we went to bed that night feeling quite cheerful.
However, the next morning, there was bad news.
What does it actually say? Is it upbeat? I do not think it is going to be upbeat, is it? HE ATTEMPTS TO READ THE NORWEGIAN ARTICLE OUTLOUD.
"An incredibly small man knocked my house"? Good morning! We are in the paper.
It says what a good service we provided? We cleared the snow and No.
"A man who looked like a dog crashed into one of my trees", I do not think it is a good idea to stay here any more.
Can I make a suggestion? Yes.
Since this is a sort of prototype and we are testing it, why don't we go and test it on a country road where there is just snow? No people.
No people or cars or buildings or trees or benches, let's just try and clear some snow.
"This was a good idea.
So we fired up the dominator and" headed for a road so remote, even the Nors had abandoned it to the weather.
A mountain pass called 'the road of terror', probably".
If we can open this one road have proven the work of this machine, internationally.
And I think we will be forgiven for all the small things we have done wrong.
The man on fire, houses, the car and the sign.
"Eventually, we arrived at the gates of a frozen hell".
One of a problems we found yesterday was that you tend to get snow sticking to the plough, building up and it does not work as well.
So, an idea that I had is to cover the plough itself in a mixture of oil and diesel.
I am now doing it, because it is my idea.
He is claiming it is his idea.
I happen to know he was talking to a snowplough driver in the bar last night.
Nothing is going to stick to that.
"With the preparations done, we set off ".
Come on, dominator! "Our destination was a desolate hamlet 10 kilometres away".
Look at that.
Boldly ploughing where no Norwegian has ploughed so far this winter.
This is a 1980s machine, so that is a cassette player.
Do you think James is getting lonely downthere? He will love it.
And I bet 10 million he is fantasising about a being a lone skipper of some weather battered trawler out in the North Sea.
A lone skipper, but with one quite attractive man in the galley.
"With the oiled plough siding nicely through the snow, Jeremy and I swung into action.
" Burn Baby Burn! The gritting is going well, Hammond.
I have lost my wedding ring! What? I have lost my wedding ring! Has it gone in the thing? It must have done.
That is a tricky one to explain.
"Soon though, we had bigger things to worry about than Hammond's ring".
Oh, hang on.
What was that? I nearly went through the windscreen.
"But a snowy hillock was no match for the dominator".
Take this, snow.
Charge! We're through! "However, while the battering ram was OK in this lonely place, the rear wheel steering was a nightmare".
Oh no, no no no! A tank slapper.
Don't do it! It has got a mind of its own! "On the hills, we had a serious power shortage".
James, is that full-speed? Yes it is.
We are stuck.
If you think about it, a combine harvester was designed to never work in the snow, or the rain, or on a hill.
It is always flat ground on lovely summer's evenings.
It is out of its comfort zone here.
"Which meant that sadly, so was I".
He will want the Victoria Cross now, for using a shovel.
He will.
Will I just raise the plough and take his head off? Yes.
Oh, for god's sake! "Each kilometre was now a growing challenge.
My ingenious snow measuring tactic did not go brilliantly".
"But the Top Gear snowbine kept on moving".
Go! Full power! Look at us carving a path.
Look, that is ours.
This road is open and will remain so until it snows again! Tonight, probably.
Or tomorrow.
'Warning - the Top Gear Snowbine Harvester is approaching!'.
This is really annoying.
For the first time in my life I have one of these Tannoy things and there is absolutely nobody to talk to.
James, there is one kilometre to go! One more kilometre and this road is open.
Who fancies a celebratory Bovril, when we get there? Unless Bovril is a code word for something dirty, I do not want to do that.
Hang on, getting a bit of a tank slapper.
It is wandering off! Oh no! BLEEP.
"This time, we had come off the road and into a massive snowdrift".
Jesus wept.
That is a lot of snow.
The snow out here, that we are in, is incredibly deep.
Yes, that is what I feared.
It felt quite deep as it went off the edge.
You can see the extent of the problem is quite big.
A whole machine is BLEEP.
"So, one wheel was stuck and one was spinning uselessly".
Full power! It is not going to do it.
"Spurred on by the previous day's failures, we dug furiously".
Just for once, I want to do something properly.
I want to clear this road and do it.
No cocking about.
This is coming out.
Do not rock it back.
Now forwards! That feels abusive.
I am wearing the clutch out, hang on, it is starting to smell.
Do not stop, James! "With darkness falling and the temperature dropping, this was no time for mechanical sympathy".
Come on, James.
We can do this.
Nearly! Power! Yes, come on! Come on! Yes! Yes! Yes! That's it, climb aboard.
"The dominator surged forwards.
" Soon, our destination hoved into view.
We are so nearly there.
Look at that! That is a blaze of glory! Blaze of glory, grit and Bovril.
Ladies and gentlemen the Top Gear snowbine harvester has arrived.
"And so, there we are.
" For once in our wretched lives on this programme, we had actually done what we set out to do".
You know what? What? We have been ambitious and brilliant, and it is all thanks to the dominator.
Successful.
Gentleman, it has been a pleasure ploughing with you.
It has been a joy and an honour.
That was the right road, wasn't it? We did something! We were actually good! I can hardly believe it but it is true, that's weird.
Some conclusions we can draw from our outstanding success, there.
Britain has 3700 snow ploughs and gritters, and spends 160 million per year clearing snow.
Obviously, that is not enough because every time there is a light flurry, everything shuts down and closes.
That is why our idea makes so much sense because there are 15,000 combine harvesters in Britain.
All it takes to convert them into snowploughs is a spanner and a couple of burly men.
Well, the gritter bit was a bit more complicated.
And the flame-thrower.
I am not sure you need that.
You do.
It is brilliant.
It is a good reversing light.
You set fire to a man.
No, I did not! He spontaneously combusted as we were driving by.
It was incredible.
I have never seen anything like it.
Anyway, the important thing is that our dominator was an old machine.
If we used one of the more modern ones with more power, especially if it had four-wheel drive, it would be brilliant.
It would.
There we are, we have succeed where the Bank of England has failed.
We have solved the country's financial crisis.
And I think we will get marquises now.
I suspect so, yes.
So on that bombshell, it's time to end.
Thank you very much for watching, good night.