Top Gear (2002) s20e01 Episode Script

New Zealand Yacht Race

- APPLAUSE - Hello! Hello, everybody! Thank you so much.
We're back! We are back! Yes, however, we're back and I'm sure many of you will be delighted to hear that in this, our 20th series, we've slowed down a little and grown up a lot.
LAUGHTER We have.
To show you what I mean, we've prepared a montage which shows what you can expect over the coming weeks from a new, more mature Top Gear.
Gentlemen, the time has come.
Oh, you're joking! What I'm saying is, we turn this town into a street circuit.
TYRES SCREECH Oh, God.
Ow! He's looking good there, looking good.
Sorry.
- It's uphill.
- Yeah! - Keep going! - Hell, yeah.
It is a rampant rabbit.
There has been a crash.
Oooh, in the face! I can hear a bike.
What did we learn, really? APPLAUSE Not much evidence of maturity there! Because there isn't any.
But anyway! That is all to come.
Some of it later on, but we begin in the 1980s.
Back then hot hatchbacks were very, very popular.
Everybody wanted to steal one and perhaps that's why they went away but now they're coming back, and we thought we ought to see what is what.
So, Richard Hammond is your adjudicator and the track is our battleground.
This is the first one to come charging over the top.
The Peugeot 208 GTi.
Righty-oh! What we are looking for here is something we haven't seen in a long while.
A Peugeot where you can actually feel its pulse.
And it is off to a promising start because they certainly have not scrimped on power.
get from the 1.
6 litre turbo, and that's quite a generous helping in a little car.
in under seven seconds.
Then comes the torque.
Quite a lot of it, 203 ft-lbs.
It's like surfing a giant wave of exploding petrol.
The designers have been allowed to enjoy themselves too.
Because everywhere you look there are little reminders of the much-loved 205 GTi.
It's good, it shows intent.
Like this chubby little steering wheel, it says, "Come on, "Let's get on and do something.
" Which brings us neatly to the most important part of a GTi.
What happens when you ask it to go round a corner? Come on, little Peugeot, let's see if you can set my trousers on fire.
There it is! HE LAUGHS TYRES SCREECH It does eat up corners.
It's light, there's loads of grip and I swear I am cocking a wheel, I'm sure I am.
That's a wheel in the air.
Bit of that.
Turn the indicators off and carry on like you meant it.
That's the way to do it.
There's no doubt about it, this car is a real return to form from a company that has been stuck in a rut of dreary boxes for too long.
But remember, we are now in a GTi war and to win it, the Peugeot must take on this .
.
the brand-new hot Renault Clio.
Like the Peugeot it doesn't lack for oomph, From, like the Peugeot, a 1.
6 litre turbo.
But where the Peugeot looks back to the old 205, the Renault is aimed squarely at today's computer geeks.
This central screen here I've got gauges, a lot of them.
I've got a G diagram ofmy G.
And then this is real PlayStation stuff, you can actually change the sound of the engine.
You go into the menu and you can select the noise from different cars.
Like a Renault Alpine which is an old classic or even an Nissan GTR.
So I'm going to havea V6.
ENGINE REVS Oooh, that sounds Yeah! If ten-year-olds could drive, they would love this.
And then when you push this button, a strangely familiar crash helmet appears and you can do this ROARING OF TYRES It makes the brakes, everything a lot more hard-core.
Oh! Come on, that's feeling nice.
Without doubt, the computerised Clio has a more juvenile streak than the Peugeot.
But sadly, it also has a really annoying problem This gearbox, it's about as sharp as a vicar sweeping up leaves.
Through the bends, it just doesn't have the speed to react.
And there's another problem, the whole idea of a flappy paddle gearbox in a hot hatch.
I don't want to sound like James May, "I prefer the old-fashioned type.
" But I do.
Changing gear is a vital form of self-expression that I am being denied.
It's not like you can opt for a manual either, because with this car it's flappy paddle or nothing.
The high-tech little Renault is good but the stupid gearbox spoils your fun.
And that leaves it vulnerable to attack from this .
.
the Ford Fiesta ST.
It's been five too long years since Ford give us a hot Fiesta.
On paper this thing looks to be going into battle with the Frenchies on the back foot because like the other two it has a 1.
6 litre turbo, but 20 brake horsepower less.
But here's the thing, the other two each cost just under 19 grand, but this is two grand cheaper.
Yet despite the reasonable price, the Fiesta certainly looks the part.
It's got fat 17 inch alloys, Recaro seats, and a full suite of skirts, spoilers and big exhausts.
All of which is very nice, but with that 20 horsepower deficit, the Fiesta is still likely to get a pasting in a drag race.
But you never know, this is lighter and it has more torque.
It might win, or come second or third.
Three, two, one.
Go! Changing gear as quickly as I can, manually.
I come down.
Come on, come on, come on, Ford! Come on! Oh! Yes, it's done the third thing, the third option.
But then I took the Ford for a spot of cornering.
TYRES SCREECH Oh, this is epic! The others have had their suspension lowered a bit.
This has had its dropped by a whole juicy 15 millimetres.
You can feel it.
It corners flat.
It's not just about being nearer the ground.
Everything about the Fiesta, the steering, the handling, the responsiveness is peerless.
They've got this bang on right.
It's brilliant.
When you switch the traction control off, it really is off.
Ha, ha! Ford have remembered the key mantra of a hot hatch, it is not just what it does, it's how it makes you feel while it is doing it.
You can't put a price on that.
Superb! So, conclusion time.
The Peugeot and the Renault are really very good.
But the Ford, the Ford is simply brilliant.
APPLAUSE It is, though.
It is, it's fabulous.
Superb.
It's almost as though all the planets aligned to make this car.
- Exactly.
- Everything was in place.
- Exactly it.
In years to come, this will be looked back on as an all-time classic.
It's the same way we look back now on the Sierra Cosworth or - the RS2000.
- The Mexico.
- Lotus Cortina.
That's how good this thing is.
I mean, the other two are good, very good, but this thing is just genius.
It is.
But is it the fastest round our track? To find out we must give them all to our tame racing driver.
Some say he has the world's largest collection of horse eggs.
When he knocked Rafa Nadal out this week it wasn't during a game of tennis.
All we know is, he's called The Stig! APPLAUSE And they're off.
A strong start from the Fiesta, but the other two soon level up as they pile down to the first corner, turbos spinning furiously.
Tyres howling as they lurch to the left, but that is about as dramatic as it gets so far.
JAUNTY MUSIC I'm told The Stig was listening to TV theme tunes there It sounded like an accident in a bric-a-brac shop.
They swing round Chicago, no fuss.
Into the Hammerhead, this should root out under-steerers, they're all frontwheel drive.
The Fiesta flashing its hazards under hard braking, but they are all bang online.
Very tidy.
Impressive stuff.
JAUNTY MUSIC Stig choosing to reverse round in the Renault for some reason.
Anyway, is the Fiesta's lack of power going to be exposed here? No, not by the look of it.
Two corners left.
The Peugeot cocking a wheel.
Yes.
There we are as we go to the second-to-last corner, only Gambon, all three scampering through there.
Not much between them and across the line.
APPLAUSE OK, now.
The Renaultthat did it in 1.
32.
The Peugeot, 1.
33.
2.
And the Ford Fiesta, this is the one we are interested in, but it doesn't matter.
This is still the one to buy.
I honestly haven't driven a car as surprising or as likeable as this for a very long while.
The only thing I don't like about it is the name, ST.
Why have they named it after a lady towel? And now the news.
The news is, you may have read about this recently, there are plans to open pubs in motorway service stations.
- I don't get that.
- I don't get it either.
Because as it's on a motorway, you are bound to be driving which means you can only have one drink.
And when it comes to drink, one is impossible.
- LAUGHTER - Come on! - What if What if you're the passenger? - I see, James, - so I'm driving you.
- Mm-hm.
As I fill up with petrol, you say, "I'm going to get a gin and tonic.
" Yes.
Well, if you do that, you may as well prepare a sign that says Hammersmith on a bit of card.
Because when you come out, I will have gone.
I'm not actually that interested in pubs in motorway service stations, what bothers me is why do they sell trousers? I've never got halfway Has anybody ever gone halfway through a motorway and thought, "I've forgot my trousers! "I had better get these elasticated beige ones.
" I don't understand why people even stop to eat at motorway service stations.
There is no car journey in Britain so long that you would starve to death before you got somewhere to eat.
Like the pub thing, it's not that far to wait for a drink.
You don't think, "I'm so desperate I'm going to pull over "and have half a pint of shandy.
" Stupid.
- I would.
- That's cos you're a raving alcoholic, James.
- Can I move it on? - We've got off topic here.
Can I talk, please, about potholes? Where I live in Hertfordshire, I came to work on my bike and I hit a pothole.
It was vast, I shot up about 15 feet in the air off the bike.
By the time I was coming back down, the bike had hit the opposite wall, it bounced up, as I was coming down, it leapt up and head butted me in the plants.
It was agony.
That's why I was late to the office, cos I had to stop by the side of the road and massage them.
Let's just get this straight.
You were standing by the side of a presumably busy main road, rubbing your testes? In leather trousers, yeah.
Come to think of it, if you saw that, that's what was going on.
I tell you what though, Hammond, the pothole is not the problem.
It's a pothole that has been repaired by a British worker johnny.
Look at this.
Look at that! How can you stand back and go, "Yes, I have done a good job there?" It can't be that difficult for a solution.
They need to design like a liquid that you just pour into potholes everywhere, and then it sets, so it is self-level and it would Why could you not do that? - It is a brilliant idea.
- Thank you, it's mine! - It's available.
My cheese sauce does that.
James, you know I said we'd got more mature in this series? - You've gone straight to dementia.
- No, no, no, no.
- Cheese sauce? When I make cheese sauce, I always make too much, like everybody does.
So there is like a quarter of an inch at the bottom of the pan and when you get up the next day, that bit is so hard you either throw the pan away or you treat that as the new bottom of the pan.
LAUGHTER - If you put that in the hole, Bob's your uncle.
- Cheese sauce? - We've solved it.
- Bet you're glad we are back! How has the world managed without us for the last few months? - Can I let you into a little secret? - Oh, is it time? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I think after 20 series No, can I let you into a little secret? You know those gantries over the motorway, they've got them on the M25 and on the M1, OK? They have speed limits on them so that you can temporarily lower the speed limit to warn drivers of an accident or congestion ahead.
And then there are speed cameras on the back of the gantries to make sure that people do actually slow down.
Well, now here is my secret.
It turns out the police can turn those cameras on at - any time they like.
- Really? Which means the Chief Constable sitting there at his desk, "I fancy a new car.
" Pop the cameras on and after, I was going to say half an hour, but probably ten seconds, he's got enough for a supercharged Jag.
LAUGHTER We should point out for reasons of BBC impartiality that other luxury cars are available to bent chiefs of policemen.
- Right, now, can we talk about BMW? - Yes.
- Yes.
They're on a bit of a roll at the moment, - they are making some cracking cars.
- Very much so.
Now there's another new one coming called the 4 Series, we have a picture of it here.
It is a replacement for the two-door I think that looks absolutely fantastic, and best of all, there's going to be a motor sport version.
So that will be called the M4! So presumably it will be fantastic at one end and then very dark and miserable at the other end.
And then you will pay a toll to put something in the boot but not to take it out again.
Why are they naming it after the M4 - because it's awful?! I have to spend a lot of time on it and it is the worst motorway in the world, so call it something else.
Hang on a minute.
If you think the M4 is the worst motorway, why do you spend all your life driving up and down it? Because I live at the other end of it.
- Why don't you live at our end of it? - Because my house is at the other end.
- Well, move house.
- I like living there, I just don't like travelling there on the motorway.
But that's a large part of living there.
Yes, but I like being on Top Gear.
- I don't like having to talk to you to get there.
- You should live where Top Gear is made.
You can live at our end, you can do things like have electricity, sewers, watch television.
I like my end of the M4, I just don't like the bit in between it and where you are.
How much of a shock is it to you to get into a car where we live and get out the other end, all you can do is light a candle and make your own chutney? LAUGHTER I like it.
Anyway, the BMW goes on sale at the end of the year, prices start at £31,500, unless of course you live where Hammond does, in which case it is 16 groats and an oxen.
Now, moving on, tonight we are going to have a race and it is a very important one, because it is to see which is fastest, Jeremy in a car, or me on a sailing boat.
First of all, we needed a course.
The producer suggested we go from Great Yarmouth up the North Sea to Edinburgh.
Or perhaps from Aberystwyth down through the Irish Sea to the Lizard Point in Cornwall.
But then James and I had a better idea.
Yes, we did.
'Welcome to New Zealand.
The perfect location for our duel.
'Pretty landscapes for Jeremy to drive through 'and most importantly for me, sea that's warm.
' So our race - this is what New Zealand looks like.
This is the bit we are interested in, blown up for you here.
I shall be starting from this very beach, here on the map, and racing up here to the second most northerly point in New Zealand.
Jeremy, meanwhile, will have to go down here, through the centre of Auckland and all the way up here to reach the same point.
So I only have to cover 220 miles, Jeremy has to cover 410.
'To make matters even worse for Jeremy, 35% 'of New Zealand's roads are unpaved, which would slow him down.
'And this is what he would be up against.
'It's called an AC45 and it's the fastest production 'sailing boat in the world.
'With a carbon fibre hull and a rigid sail as big as the wing 'on a Boeing 737, it can reach over 30 knots.
'Then there's the crew.
All but one are winners of the America's Cup, 'the most prestigious trophy in yacht racing.
'And as for the one who isn't, well, he is Sir Ben Ainslie, 'four times Olympic sailing gold medallist.
'Put all this together and Jeremy hasn't got a chance.
' I do realise the enormity of the challenge I face, which is why I have gone for the fastest car in the world.
Here it is.
- It's a Toyota Corolla.
- Is that what it is, I haven't looked? Yes, it is.
It's a 1.
8 litre Toyota Corolla.
Engine size is irrelevant, James, because do you know what makes this so fast? Look in the window.
- I've rented it.
- Oh, no.
- Yes! And this is the thing, you see.
The Bugatti Veyron, sometimes you're using 15 horsepower, sometimes you're using only ten.
This, you have 140 horsepower from the moment you start it up to the moment you crash it.
Did you pick up one of those, what are they called, - collision damage waiver forms? - No, I picked up six.
I did, actually! When her back was turned, I thought, I'll have some of those.
- So you are ready? - I am really ready for this.
- Everybody else ready? Right, this race will start at precisely 7am tomorrow morning.
- Beer? - Yes, beer.
OK, pre-flight check.
Complete.
There is the boat, soon it will be pointing in the correct direction.
And the race will begin.
'Eventually the boat had done its jiving and sheeting 'and going about and all the crew were at their stations.
- 'And so, at precisely 7.
11, the race began.
' - Three, two, one HORN BLARES Go! Come on! We're racing, we are going.
Go, boys.
Deploy whenever ready.
Power! This is not simply a race between a sailing boat and a little blue hatchback.
I am on a mission from God, because the world has got it into its head that wind power is the solution to everything, and I just don't think it is.
Wind is just annoying.
Internal combustion is good.
'And at that moment, it looked like I may have had a point.
' - The wrong sail.
- What? When you say the wrong sail, where is the other sail? - It's right in front of us.
- In that bag? 'With the sails having to be swapped over quickly, 'the crew got very shouty with me.
' James, pull that rope.
James, what are you doing there? Get in and help.
Ah! 'The boat was stationary, just 200 metres from the start line.
'Things were looking good for Jeremy.
' Oh, wow, big one.
It was PJ O'Rourke, the American author, who first noticed that hire cars are the fastest cars in the world, and he is of course completely correct.
Because when was the last time you took your car to the red line? Or you drove it flat out? Never.
But here, in this now, yes, because it isn't mine.
Speed! 'Back at sea, the new sail was up, 'but we still weren't going fast enough.
' about 14mph in car terms.
That's not bad, but at that rate, it would take us 15 hours.
That's no good.
'Despite the gravel roads, I was going quite a lot faster.
' into fourth.
Maybe going a little too fast there, but it's not my car so it doesn't matter.
I just feel so sorry for James because he is on a boat, he is not going to see anything of New Zealand, the prettiest country in the world! I hit something.
'After its wonky start, 'the boat was finally starting to stretch its legs.
' How fast are we going? We are about eight miles from the shore so we have got 200 miles to run.
'This speed, however, did have its downsides.
' Oh! What's my rank on this trip, skipper? Am I the coxswain or the bosun or Roger the cabin boy? - Right now, you're the cabin boy.
- Cabin boy.
That would be all right if you had a cabin.
Its accident report form.
"Was Avis vehicle on correct side of the road?" Yes, I was.
"Explain how accident occurred.
" A maniac came the other way.
"State who in your opinion was responsible for the accident.
" Him! Him! He was mad.
Right, onwards.
OK, three, two, one, diving.
Ooh! Ow! Come on, James, put some effort in.
This is so catastrophically uncomfortable as a way to travel.
'The £65-a-day hire car and the £700,000 boat hunkered down 'and pressed on.
' Tarmac, white lines.
- We have covered 36 miles.
- 36? - Course is 310.
'Imagining that I was well in the lead, I pulled over to call James.
' - Hello? - James May.
- Yes, hello? - What speed you doing? We have been cracking along at it goes like Stig.
Is it exhausting? No, I want to say it's bloody uncomfortable and unpleasant, but Sir Ben Ainslie is sitting next to me, so I can't really say that.
Can you congratulate him for how good he was in both Gandhi and Sexy Beast? 'At this point, the producers showed me a tracking device that 'revealed where James actually was.
' Oh, my giddy aunt! That can't be right.
According to this, you're miles ahead of me.
- You still talking to me? I can't hear you.
- Holy cow! Get off the phone, I'm busy.
Hello? 'James was 170 miles from the finish line, whereas I, 'because of the unique way New Zealand is shaped, 'was still heading in the wrong direction with 340 miles to go.
' What if I lose this race, people? If you are campaigning now to stop the government building to provide you with enough electricity for the pump in your fish tank and I lose this, I can only apologise.
I am trying to help you out here but I'm losing.
And I'm losing badly.
I'm actually losing.
And I don't like losing.
No That boat is like being on a trampoline that's on a trampoline while somebody throws buckets of salty water in your face and then dries you off with a blowtorch.
I know what you mean.
On those gravel roads, the bumpiness in that car.
No, Jeremy, you don't know what I mean.
I just wanted to hit a mine, I wanted it to be over.
Well, we'll find out what happens later on, OK? But now, it is time to introduce to you all a brand-new reasonably priced car.
The old Kia Cee'd has been retired, probably sold to a little old lady as an ex-demonstrator.
Low mileage.
And this is what shall replace it.
This is a big moment, ladies and gentlemen.
The unveiling of what is, after all, only our fourth Reasonably Priced Car.
And so What do you think of that? Yeah! APPLAUSE It's drawn applause and I'm not surprised.
Because, ladies and men, this is a Vauxhall Astra built in Britain and available for £17,345.
That may not sound like particularly good value but you need to know that the Astra Tech Line Remember to go into your local radio voice here.
.
.
Comes with IMPORTANT VOICE: A lifetime warranty.
LAUGHTER Now think about that.
If you're 17 and you live to be 95 or even 100 - A-ha.
- What? No, it's the lifetime of the car.
Not the owner.
It's different.
LAUGHTER The car?! It depends how long the car lives.
It's going to be a lot shorter.
- I don't know, it could be a long-lived car.
- Well, whatever, we decided to launch it with a star-studded party.
'We arrived at the track bright and early 'so we could set up the catering and the hospitality.
'And soon everything was ready for our distinguished guests.
' We have invited literally everybody from the world of celebrity.
President Carter, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Moira Stuart.
I've invited just for you, cos I know you like her, Joss Stone.
Really?! Yes! You'll be rubbish with her.
Hammond is literally the world's worst human being at small talk.
"Joss, would you like a teabag?" See, I can do it.
Small talk's really easy, Hammond.
You just be interested in somebody else.
That's where it falls down, you see.
- You want to know where do their kids go to school.
- Why? - Where do they live? - Why? 'My lesson in small talk was interrupted 'by the arrival of our first guest - 'Brian Johnson out of AC/DC.
' Good to see you, me son, are you all right? How are you, mate, are you well? I'm doing good.
Richard, me bonny lad.
Nice to see you.
How are you? I'm fit as a butcher's dog.
And you've got a new car? Yeah, you are the very first person to drive the new Vauxhall Astra Tech Line.
'Since this was the maiden voyage for our new car, 'we decided to give it a bit of a send-off.
' This is it.
Proud moment.
A new reasonably priced car.
We'll cut the ribbon, thanks to Brian Johnson! Inthree, two, one - GO! It's got stuck in the car.
You stupid idiot! - What tape have you used? - It didn't cut it.
What happened? Sorry, Brian.
You back up, Brian.
Edit this out.
In three, two, oneGO! OK, come on, little boy.
Let's get this little puppy round it.
'Whilst Brian pounded round the track '.
.
our next guest arrived.
'Charles Dance out of Game Of Thrones.
' Where's the other one, the third member of your team? He doesn't come down.
He's interested mostly in classical harpsichord music, rather than - Richard, that's disgusting coffee.
- It is, thank you.
(BLEEP) - horrible.
Thank you.
Come on, you (BLEEP BLEEP).
'With Brian busy enjoying himself, 'I had plenty of time to quiz Tywin Lannister 'about my favourite programme.
' I assumed that you'd be with Tyrion Lannister and Lena Headey.
Who else? Oh, Sansa.
You have literally no idea what we're talking about, do you? Have you not watched it, Richard? - Yes! - You have? - No.
'Before Richard could make any more conversational errors, 'Brian came back to see how he'd got on.
' When you were last here in the Chevrolet Lacetti, you did a 145.
9.
Right.
In the Vauxhall Astra Tech Line With lifetime warranty.
.
.
145.
1.
Brilliant.
You're faster than you were before.
There.
Yeah.
Brian Johnson He doesn't know what to say.
'With a target to aim for, 'the hand of the king set off.
' OK.
Come on, Charlie.
'And whilst he was on the track, 'one of Hammond's guests arrived.
'Actor Warwick Davis.
' - Hello.
- Hi, Jeremy.
- How are you? - Good, thank you.
How are you? Very well.
Pedals.
It's my extension pedals.
For the car.
They go on the car.
You don't have something like this? No, but I like the look of them.
You have only got two.
That's all you need, isn't it? Brake and accelerator.
For an automatic, yeah.
It's manual.
Erm, we'll improvise.
Nearly nobbled a cameraman.
'Once Tywin had finished, 'and we had his time on the lap board' - 140 - Oh, heavens above! - .
.
Eight - Oh! - Point eight.
'Hammond and Warwick set off to make an extended clutch pedal.
' I was going to do that.
He's brought two pedals down.
- But it's a manual.
- Oh, problem! - Yeah.
- Problem.
I need to set a good lap time and how can I if this sort of disintegrates.
"Is that his excuse? "It wasn't a very good time because his clutch pedal" I'm not trying to give you excuses, I'm trying to give you a chance.
Let me sit in there and push that.
Let me push the Pringles.
- OK.
- Obviously, we need some sort of - Oh, hell.
I'm pretty low down here.
Let's see, for argument's sake, if this is strong enough.
- It is strong enough.
- Yeah.
But I'm having to sort of steady it with my foot.
You are doing very well.
'Eventually, after much experimenting' - More bread, yeah? - That goes behind you.
I'm still too low.
'Warwick set off on his timed laps.
' - I can't get in gear.
- BLEEP! 'Unfortunately, I couldn't be there to support him 'because I'd been distracted.
' - This is Richard.
- Hello, Richard.
- He fancies you.
Nice to meet you! - I have a badge for you here.
What's that? - That's your badge.
Oh, good, just in case.
Put that on.
- Right, good.
- I'll leave the two of you alone.
- OK.
- Just to get to know each other.
I can entertain you with my small talk.
OK.
His small talk's not very good.
- 'Completely oblivious to Warwick's peril' - Oh, God! Oh, bloody hell! Oh! CAR SKIDS 'Mr Smalltalk had completely forgotten not go on about himself.
' The important thing is not to panic, cos everyone thinks helicopters will just fall out the sky if the engine fails.
They won't.
Right.
I've had to land a couple of times for things.
Without engines? Yup.
Lot of skill involved.
You have to be good.
There's only so many people have helicopter licences.
Oh, God! AH! Hell, bloody hell! Ooh! 'As Warwick went off yet again, Jimmy Carr arrived.
' You all right? Very well, how are you? Very nice to see you.
It has your name on it.
Lovely.
That, my friend, is teeth whitening.
- I don't know what you've had done.
- Oh! - That's how that's done.
Hot on Jimmy's heels was world heavyweight champion David Haye, who made a beeline for the boxing machine.
Ooh! Oh, no! What does it say? A new record, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much.
Well done! 'With Richard sulking at the attention David was 'getting from Joss, I had a go.
' Oh! You styled out, you looked totally cool.
Yes! 'Having finally mastered Hammond's terrible DIY, Warwick had 'managed to bang in a lap time.
' You did it in 140 Six! Oh! - Slap bang in the middle.
- Pleased with that? You are faster than the hand of the king.
SHE SINGS 'Whilst Joss was out on the track, a girl Jeremy has a soft spot for 'arrived.
' Rachel Riley off Countdown.
Wasn't expecting that.
Hello! - Hello! - I'm Jeremy.
- I'm Rachel.
- Good to meet you, how are you? - Good, thank you.
- Can I get you anything? - Hi, Rachel, I'm Richard.
Richard Hammond is extremely busy at the moment.
I'm going over here.
'When Rachel saw the barbecue, she claimed she was a vegetarian.
'So I decided to make her some fish.
' I just need to come in here.
You really are squeezing in.
- I know, I just need to come in.
Do you like sushi? - I love sushi.
Excellent, I'll just - Shall I? - Brilliant.
- Are you a trained sushi chef? - Yeah.
I've got soy sauce all over me.
Yeah, you have.
Sorry, Richard.
'Making the sushi required a lot of care.
' There we go.
'But the results were worth it.
' Yes.
It's like a bush tucker trial, this.
Do not brake on this corner! OK Argh! 'With her laps completed, Hammond insisted that he should put Joss's 'time on the board.
' Ten years, we've done this show.
- Yup.
- How many times have you done that? - Loads.
- Never.
- I often do this bit of the show.
Go on, then.
Joss, I have your time written down over here.
For his sake, I hope it's not the fastest time cos he ain't getting it up there, is he? Oh, from you(!) THEY LAUGH I love it! Nice(!) Even from Warwick.
You want to beat the man from that thing.
- The hand of the king.
- That's the fella.
- Right.
- How fast did she do it? I'm getting to it! How fast did Joss do it? HE did it in 1.
48 - it says on the bloody board! You did it in .
.
1.
48 Oh! .
.
Point Oh, God! Don't say "nine".
Nine! Oh, no! Oh, shit! Get out of that one, Hammond.
Oh, no, that's so sad! No, Joss, that was Oh.
Come on, my son! 'As David Haye set about pummelling the Astra Tech Line' SKIDDING SOUNDS '.
.
Hammond's day got even worse.
' Look who it is.
Who's that? Mike Rutherford, out of Genesis.
Hammond.
Hammond? Hammond?! Hammond?! Mike! - How are you? - Very well.
How are you? - I'm very good.
- It's good to see you.
- Where's the team? - Where's Richard? - Richard? Yeah.
That's odd.
He was here a minute ago.
'Because I have occasionally said 'some unkind things about Genesis on Top Gear, 'I decided to look for something on the floor 'and let Jeremy handle the chat stuff.
' - Are you recording at the moment? - I'm doing some Mike & The Mechanics.
Oh, brilliant! 'Jeremy's chat was then interrupted 'because Dainty David had finished.
' You did 146.
8.
David Haye, you did 146.
7.
ALL: Oh! Put it there.
A tenth of a second faster.
'With Mike Rutherford out in the car' Avoid the cameraman over there.
I'm doing it.
'.
.
Hammond suddenly re-emerged.
' Where have you been?! I had something to do.
If you're just hiding from him, he's one of the nicest people - Is he not one of the nicest men? - He is really sweet.
He's one of the top-three guys in Genesis.
I want to know if Mike can do a lap faster - Than one of his tracks.
- No! - No! - Sorry.
'As it turned out, Hammond wasn't far off.
' - Point - Not that you have to - Joss, that's not very ladylike.
- Chuffed! Thank you.
- Five.
'As Jimmy Carr set about his laps' Let's hope this is good.
'.
.
Rachel decided to play the piano.
' SHE PLAYS KEYBOARD It was nice .
.
till Jeremy joined in.
KEYBOARD AND DRUM MACHINE PLAY If I can keep it on the road that will help.
'Because it had been several years 'since Jimmy had driven a Reasonably Priced Car, 'we thought he might have mellowed.
' SKIDDING NOISES BACKFIRING NOISES I think I might have broken the car.
I'd like to present you, Jimmy Carr Grass on the front.
- .
.
with these - Thank you very much.
You know the middle pedal? - There's the clutch and the accelerator.
- Yes.
There's one in-between them.
I know, the footrest.
One day, we've had that, Jimmy! Do we have a jack? Warwick, you can lift things, right? I don't know what super powers you people have, but can you lift it? THEY LAUGH You just referred to me as a "jack".
'Before Jimmy got us taken off air, 'we rushed him over to the lap board.
' Where do you think you've come? I imagine I've beaten him.
I know he does a lot of racing in his spare time.
It's his hobby, but I think natural abilitytough to beat.
You did That's very well done.
It's cost a car! 'With the car eventually mended, our final guest set off.
' Come on, Reasonably Priced Car! 'And Hammond took one last shot at impressing Joss.
' Ready? Yeah.
That's OK, it's fine.
I can do it faster.
I can do this Oh! This is brilliant.
I just wanted to check that was OK.
You didn't last very long.
I did this on a real sheep once.
'At this point, Joss decided to leave.
'Which meant Richard saw no point in staying, either.
'That left me all alone with Rachel.
' Ah! TYRES SCREECH Didn't break the car! So where do you think you've come? Definitely in this section.
Definitely in this section.
You did it, actually, in 1.
48.
5, so actually, there you are, - faster than the Hand of the King.
- Fastest woman! Whoo! I need something to calm down, some kind of sedative.
'With our work done, we left the track in my helicopter.
' - To the pub? - Pub? - Oh, yeah.
APPLAUSE And there it is, the reasonably priced car, launched and ready for action! Anyway, tonight we are having a race, up the side of New Zealand from here to here.
Yep, it's James in a £700,000 boat versus me in the fastest car in the world, a £65-a-day rented hatchback.
When we left the action, I was here, and Jeremy was here.
So I was winning.
But I was very miserable.
All power, hire car! Splash the caravan.
'Onboard HMS Misery, life wasn't getting any better.
' This is what I get to eat on the boat.
A melted bar of chocolate - .
.
and a bag of - BLEEP - nuts, and you'll have to bleep that word.
'Life in the car, now I was on tarmac roads, was much more comfortable.
' Radio MUSIC: "Always Take the Weather With You" by Crowded House Crowded House.
Nice.
Local band.
Now, let's just try another radio station.
MUSIC: "Always Take the Weather With You" by Crowded House Radio Three.
MUSIC: "Always Take the Weather With You" by Crowded House 'After 60 miles of Crowded House, 'I was finally heading in the right direction.
'But I was approaching the often crowded city of Auckland.
' According to the tracking device, James is now 100 miles ahead of me.
Dear God, let Auckland be clear.
'Mercifully, it was.
' I'm doing 120 kilometres an hour on a very smooth road.
Coming to get you, James.
'Out at sea, conditions were getting even worse.
' Hold on, big fella! All right? 'With the rough seas slowing us down, 'I decided to use my sat phone to see where Jeremy was.
' RINGING TONE - Oh! That's the end of that! - What's wrong? That tore it clean out of my hand.
I just couldn't keep hold of it.
BLEEP! Please! I'm on a mission from God! Go, go, go! Right, last chance with the radio.
'Auckland on 90.
2.
' MUSIC: "Always Take the Weather With You" by Crowded House 'Despite the conditions, the sailors were pushing the boat to the ragged edge.
' BLEEP! Oh, that's a biggie.
Whoa! Matty, you know this is bloody madness, mate.
It's not too good at the moment.
We've never sailed these things in these conditions before.
Now you tell me.
you have to hang on, because you're going to be breaking bones.
So really, James, the best thing for you to do, mate, is hang on.
Thank you.
'In the little blue hatchback, 'the news from the GPS tracking device was encouraging.
' James May is now only 67 miles ahead.
I'm catching him.
But am I catching him fast enough? That's the big question.
'I decided to take a shortcut, 'even though it would mean leaving the tarmac 'and using gravel roads instead.
' This is going to save me 20 miles.
Yeah! 'My plan was working well, but then the gravel ran out.
' There's no track! Oh! BLEEP! I wouldn't do this in my Mercedes, put it like that.
Oh, dear! I've run into the white cliffs of Dover, literally.
'Still, could be worse.
' - Sir Ben Ainslie, sir? - Yes.
Please don't take this personally, but this is bloody purgatory! Can you imagine Ow! 'Meanwhile, I'd found a track.
' This must take me back to the road.
Oh, my God! Tractor! Ugh! - Sir Ben Ainslie, sir? - Yes! What happens if you need a slash on this boat? - I think there's a bucket somewhere.
- Right.
I might just piss myself.
What is the point of sailing? 'The track had indeed taken me back to the road, 'but the accident with the tractor meant 'I was no longer driving the fastest car in the world.
' CAR RATTLES The noise is not good.
It's not going to make it.
It just is not going to make it.
'So there was only one thing for it.
' - Hi.
- Good afternoon.
- I've got a small problem with my car.
There was a maniacal tractor driver who was doing 70 kilometres an hour, I swerved 'In a jiffy, the helpful hire car lady had me back in the race.
' Now, in one important respect, this car is not the same as the one I started out with.
But at the finish line, I suspect James will be so exhausted he won't notice .
.
that I set off with a blue car and ended up with a red one.
'And anyway, right now, I had bigger issues, because I was 100 miles 'from the finish line and James was only 50 miles away.
'To win, then, I'd have to go twice as fast.
Nice, guv! Lovely work.
Stay vigilant, though, boys! Stay on it! - Jeremy, where is he? - No idea.
No comms.
Come on! We've got the fastest car in the world, now use it.
OK! Three, two, one! Diving! Come on, James, give us a hand! It's not a bloody love boat.
Come on, Jeremy, concentrate, concentrate.
Make every corner as crisp as you can.
Come on! Just ticked over nine hours.
I'm so sick of this.
'What I really needed was a road with no corners.
'And thanks to this wonderful country, 'that's exactly what I found.
' Yeeha! This is called Ninety Mile Beach, because it is exactly 55 miles long.
I don't understand that, either.
What I do know and I do understand, is that it is genuinely a public highway.
It's a road.
No traffic, no corners, James May, you have had it.
'In the boat, we were about to go round the very top of New Zealand.
' That is the cape there.
Once we've rounded that, we think we'll have wind and a bit of tide with us, the water will be flat, then we've got about ten miles of pleasant sailing, like in Howards' Way.
It can't come soon enough.
Gah! Jesus.
Bit wobbly there.
Boys, just stay vigilant for this last six or seven miles.
Not far to go.
'I was now off Ninety Mile Beach.
' Back on gravel.
I wasn't expecting that.
Come on, small red hatchback, whatever you are.
I'm doing this now to uphold the honour of coal, gas and oil, the cornerstones of civilisation.
- Is that our beach there? - Yeah.
'The finish line was a chequered flag at the water's edge, 'but to make my day even more miserable, 'Sir Ben announced that the boat couldn't actually get there.
' - You're going to have to jump off and swim ashore.
- What? You're joking! There's now only five miles to go.
OK, James.
Don't lose it now.
Do not lose it now! Go for it, James! Swim! Come on! CAR CLATTERS AND REVS No! No! Come on! Please! Have I won? Have I won? Have I won? Man in heaven! Oh, God! THEY CHEER Holy cow, have you seen your face? I was just about to conclude and say, we must now close down all coal and gas-powered power stations and switch immediately to wind power, because obviously it's better.
But look what it does to you! It's brought me out in boils and sores and blindness.
Did you have to use any of your insurance waiver forms? No, none at all.
The car got here without a single scratch.
- It was blue when you set off.
- It wasn't.
- Wasn't it? It was blue! - I would have sworn it was blue.
- It was red APPLAUSE Well done, James May.
- Can I just say, that boat, the boat - Oh, God, he's moaning again! But listen, it's £700,000, OK? You don't get a cabin.
You don't even get a chair or a table or a radio or even a floor.
- Yes, but James, you won.
- I didn't win, Hammond, the crew won.
All I did was not fall off for 12 hours.
Well, anyway, the conclusion is that wind power is obviously great, but it does give you a face like a prostitute's front door.
LAUGHTER And on that bombshell, it is time to end.
Thank you so much for watching.
See you next week.
Good night.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE