Top Gear (2002) s21e04 Episode Script

Hammond vs. 6 by 6

Tonight I sit on a rock James gets something in his eye Oh! And Richard says, "Mummy!" Oh, Mummy! Thank you, hello! Hello, good evening, thank you so much.
Thank you, now Now, tonight's show Tonight's show is interesting because we have all sort of reverted to type.
Later on, Hammond is in the desert driving like an idiot in a large and flamboyant off-roader.
I'm in northern Italy driving a rather elegant sports car and James, well actually, we are kicking off with James, who really is in his comfort zone because he is on a Second World War air base talking about a car from the 1950s.
This is The Stig taking a Caterham to the ragged edge on our track back in 2008.
That particular lap is something of an Internet sensation.
It's been viewed over 100 times and one of the reasons it's so popular is because that is the Caterham R500, the most powerful and extreme car they have ever built.
Or, rather, it was.
Because its crown has just been stolen by this.
The brand new Caterham 620R.
Where the old 500 had 263hp, this has 310.
And since it weighs just 545kg, it has a better power to weight ratio than a Bugatti Veyron.
But I have driven a Bugatti Veyron and I have to say it was very civilised.
Let's see how this compares.
Oh! Bloody Nora! Oh! Argh! Argh! Argh! I can't see! Oh! Ow! Argh! God above, that's not That's not like acceleration, that's like being in a football and somebody kicks it.
Ugh! 'With a helmet and goggles deputising for the windscreen, 'I tried once more to get to grips with the 620R.
' Obviously, you can tell from the way I'm screaming at you, the racket in here is tremendous.
It's quite difficult to breathe.
'That's hardly surprising since 0-60 takes just 2.
8 seconds.
'And it's not like you can get your breath back in the corners.
' Geez.
Right, this time, watch this.
Oh, not again.
There'll be a lot of editing to do on this piece.
'Stick at it for several months and you can bring the 620R to heel.
' Whey, hey-hey! I've done a whole circuit! 'And when you get your eye in, it's not a bad car.
' It's still a Caterham.
It's all very crisp.
Very nice.
Fantastic sequential gearbox.
'It's just that it's too much hard work.
' The trouble is this is power piled on power.
It can barely contain itself.
It's like a teenager left alone with the Internet.
The wheels and the suspension can only just keep up with what's going on.
Whey-hey! It's not supposed to be like this.
It's just a little sports car! 'However, I think I have an answer to the problem.
' You see, I think if you're going to build a minimalist car, you need to take a minimalist approach to performance and handling, as well.
It's no good just piling on more and more power, that's like trying to improve a curry by putting more and more chillies in it.
What I'm trying to say is, well, Caterham needs to find a better Indian restaurant.
Fortunately it seems they're ahead of me on this one.
Alongside their new, most powerful car ever, they've also come up with this, their least powerful car ever.
It's called the 160 and it has just 80hp from a tiny turbocharged three-cylinder Suzuki engine.
So the engine is much smaller but then so is the price.
The 620R is £50,000.
This is just £17,000.
Admittedly, 0-60 takes a gentle seven seconds and the top speed is only 100.
But that's not the point.
Top speed, 0-60, they're just numbers.
They are meaningless in themselves.
What matters is whether or not they add up into a sensation and this delivers a tremendous sensation.
The key to the 160's sense of fun is a set of super skinny tyres.
They are only a tiny bit wider than a space saver.
So you only have to twitch your foot a little bit .
and you can slide around like Mika Hakkinen.
Oh, lovely! Look at me.
Whoo! When you have worn your tyres out, they're only 40 quid each to replace.
Even The Stig, who normally turns his snout up at anything with less than 500hp, had an absolute ball.
It has a windscreen.
It'll do over 50 miles to the gallon.
As far as I'm concerned, it's the best car Caterham has ever made.
In fact, there's only one thing wrong with it.
The way it looks.
Next to the latest stripped out sports cars like the Ariel Atom, and the BAC Mono, it sits a bit like a typewriter in an Internet cafe.
I wonder if they could do something about that? As it happens, they're ahead of me on that one, too.
This is the AeroSeven.
It's been developed with the help of the Caterham F1 team.
The great thing is, it isn't some static papier mache one-off built for a motor show stand.
What do you think of this, then? Positively down on gastrique by Caterham standards.
The next thing you know, they'll have a fax machine.
The AeroSeven isn't going into production for a year or so.
Before it does, there's one major thing they need to fix.
Ow! Oh! It hasn't got a windscreen! Useless! The best car they've ever made? According to him, it is.
Well The best car they've ever made? Slowest So, James, er So you don't like cars without windscreens? No, I hate cars without windscreens.
That is the most idiotic idea in the whole history of motoring, isn't it? What is the point? What advantage is there of building a car without a windscreen? You might as well have a snorkel mask with no glass in it and you get hit in the eyeball by fish.
It's that idiotic.
James, before you have an aneurysm, there are one or two points that Hammond and I would like to make about some of the things you said in that film.
Hammond, do you want to go first? Yeah, four minutes and 58 seconds into your film, whilst referring to acceleration figures, you say, "they are just numbers, they're meaningless.
" They are.
You would say that! James, but a car that accelerates from 0-60 in 2.
8 seconds is better than one that does it in seven seconds.
No, what I was actually saying Also, at three minutes 51, you say and I'm paraphrasing here, that giving it more power is like trying to improve a curry by adding more chillies.
That is how you improve a curry! No, it isn't.
It is.
Remember the chicken curry from school, it was screaming for more spice, it's what it needed is more.
Yes, then James at five minutes and 29 seconds, you said you were sliding around like Mika Hakkinen.
I was.
Yes, but you see Mika Hakkinen is a Formula 1 driver and they don't slide around.
Yeah, but when Mika Hakkinen took me out for a drive, he did slide around! Yes, but he's not known for sliding around.
No, exactly.
He might collect porcelain frogs but you don't go around saying, "I'm collecting porcelain frogs like Mika Hakkinen right now.
" It's not relevant.
Exactly! Have you quite finished? Well, not really because there's a lot to go through but, sadly, we must now find out how fast these cars go round our track and that, of course, means handing them over to a man who can actually drive! Some say that he once put Helen Mirren in a dishwasher.
And that at the Winter Olympics he was disqualified from the skeleton event for riding down the hill on an actual skeleton.
All we know is he's called The Stig! And they are off.
Oo, it's a bit damp out there, that may slow them down a bit.
Oh, no, there was the other one coming into shot at the last moment.
First corner in, the 620R, he's handling that well.
No, still Yes, we just saw the other one.
And here he is, no music, obviously, to listen to today.
Just the sound of that two-litre Ford Duratec engine, supercharged in the 620R.
They don't use the 2.
3 that they use and the BAC Mono.
Here he is at the back! Cos it's too tall.
He is actually struggling to get the power down.
But he is getting it down.
Right, Follow Through next.
Here he is, definitely lifting off.
This is a magnificent example of car control from The Stig, in one of them at least! The other one simply not there.
Right, just Oh, good God, look at that.
Nearly losing it at the exit of the Follow Through.
Handling it nicely coming through into Gambon.
Getting some opposite lock on before the corner and across the line! We just have to wait now for James's favourite car to finish.
"The best car Caterham have ever made" there it goes.
Any minute now, it'll be across the line.
OK, talk among yourselves.
And there it is! Wet lap, so we're not expecting any records, we certainly haven't got them.
Right the 620R, the car you didn't much like.
That did it in 1:22.
Similar conditions, similar time to the magnificent Lexus LFA.
OK? Now your favourite car Not quite so fast.
There's no other way of saying this, it was a 1:45.
5, so it's there.
It's actually five seconds slower than Morgan's wooden tricycle.
And that's your favourite car? Of those two, yeah.
And now the news and the news is that later on in this programme Jeremy is going to try and prove to James and me that cars are better than bikes.
Well, that's because they are.
Well, they're not.
Oh, yes they are.
They're warmer than bikes, they stand up by themselves.
You don't have to wear rubber trousers.
They're faster.
Not faster! They are round corners.
Well, not in a straight line.
Yes, you see, that's what I'm going to prove later on that they are faster in a straight line.
Really? Yes, I am.
Really? Yes, I am, but now we're going to do the proper news, OK? Now you know all around the world there are museums for all sorts of silly things.
There's a pencil museum in, is it Cumbria? Yeah, it is.
Yeah, a pencil museum.
There's an umbrella museum in Spain and a museum of the vagina in Japan.
There is a penis museum in Iceland.
Been there.
It's very cold, all the exhibits are very small.
The reason I bring this up is because, in America there is a Corvette Museum.
There's a photograph of it here.
Now, as we know, the Corvette enthusiast in America is quite Heavy.
Yes, they're bigger gentleman.
Well, one of them visited the museum this week and this happened.
Must have been a big one! That was a big hole.
And apparently, eight cars fell into it.
There's a shot actually looking down.
Look at that.
Oh, God, that's painful to see! Damage was estimated at 37.
Was it? Was it? But actually, we shouldn't mock because you know there was a sinkhole, which is what this is, that opened on the M2 this week, did you see? On the central reservation? They closed the motorway for 18 hours.
That, they kept the museum open.
They did! Well, you can still see the cars.
Yeah, you just I think we should applaud the Americans for that because that's a good attitude to health and safety.
It is.
Well done, you.
Oh, now, I tell you what, I've just remembered something else.
Recently, we were talking about, um, those motorway gantry signs that flash up idiotic nannying messages.
There was a sign photographed in America this week, OK, I think it was in Texas.
There was a light snow flurry and some wag, and this is brilliant, posted this.
"Oh my God! Is that snow? We're all gonna die!" That's more like it! It's just fabulous.
But actually, that is what we should do.
Because that is the British way.
Self-deprecating, make fun of the situation, have a laugh.
Make fun of the rules and regulations.
I don't know who did this, but if you're watching and you ever come to England, I would like to buy you a beer.
I'll put a strawberry on it for you.
Now, I've received a letter.
May I just read it to you? "Dear Mr Clarkson" You're going to love this.
"I'm writing to you on behalf of the world-famous Madame Tussauds.
" Oh, they're not going to Yes, they are! Oh, you're joking! Oh, no! They say I have been highly requested, highly requested, to be immortalised in wax.
You sure that doesn't say immersed in wax? No, immortalised in wax.
How are they going to immortalise you in wax? Where are they going to get all the wax? Presumably they'll have to melt down everything else in Madame Tussauds, to make one massive hideous wax dummy of a hideous dummy.
It's easy, they just get a very big candle, they light it, let it drip down the edges for a couple of hours, then just draw a face on it with felt tip.
That would look a bit like him.
What are they going to do with it when they've got it? Imagine children, "We're going to Madame Tussauds! What is that?" It's going to be the first waxwork in history to be sculpted with a pickaxe.
Yes! And a hammer.
I want to see them sculpting it, cos imagine, once they've melted down enough wax, which is a lot, the size of the urn, it'll look like a scene from Lord Of The Rings! With all these little orcs walking around the bottom, getting ready a big pour, to create this hideous, hideous, grotesque, enormous thing! How are they going to fit it in? No, don't put it there, put it in the Natural History Museum.
Better still Next to the big brontosaur! Just a big skeleton.
Just a big skeleton next to the brontosaur, a big tyrannosaurus- what-the-hell-is-that? And then people can go and watch.
Ladies and gentlemen, the sound of bitterness and jealousy.
My colleagues, there.
I wish I hadn't brought that up.
As you probably noticed last week, a Danish supercar called the Zenvo came down here and caught fire.
A lot of people were very shocked by that but actually, it's not unusual for expensive cars to catch fire when they're first released.
Ferrari had a problem with the 458.
And then just this week, we've been hearing about Porsche GT3 problems.
There's a shot here of one in of one in Switzerland.
The internet is awash with rumours of other examples of this.
Porsche themselves admit it has happened in Italy as well.
And have now suspended deliveries of the new GT3 to customers.
Yeah, but what if you'd already taken delivery of your brand-new your brand-new and expensive GT3 that might catch fire at any moment? Well, we really need to ask a customer, don't we, who's just done that? Hammond! What? You've just had a GT3 delivered, haven't you? Yes! Shut up! Shut up, stop talking about it.
Thank you, move on.
It must be so depressing.
Oh, God.
Yes, it is.
To have worked so hard to buy your dream car that is then immediately valueless.
Oh, God! So to try and cheer you up, Hammond, I've bought you a small present.
Oh, have you? Thank you, I love your gifts.
We don't often buy each other presents on this show but I've done just that today.
Mono They're actually GT3 branded driving gloves.
Oven gloves.
Thank you.
Ha-ha-ha-ha(!) And Doesn't just stop there.
Oh, please let it stop.
I think we need to coat your car in the most fire retardant material known to man.
Oh, not your pizza theory! It's one of his stupid theories.
Come on, Hammond, come with me.
Really? Now, this is your actual GT3.
Yes, it is, actually, yes.
We know this because there's a fireman standing next to it with an extinguisher in case it suddenly combusts.
Good! Now, what I'm planning on doing, OK, is I'm going to take these pizzas, pop them on the car.
And then apply a blowtorch.
No! No, you're not, no, you're not! I've seen you do this and you're not doing it to my car.
But the ladies and gentlemen want to see if pizza is I don't care! Not to my car! No.
Can we attach them to you? Well, if you must, yes.
Right, well, first of all, we need to establish James, can I borrow you? Yes.
First of all we need to establish that these are pizzas, OK? Have a look.
You will see there's no asbestos in there, they're real pizzas.
Yes? Yeah.
James, perhaps you'd like to just take a bite? Yes, let me just pull a piece off.
Is that a pizza? Tastes like the cardboard box it came in, so it must be.
There you go.
So those are the pizzas.
If you'd like to attach those to Hammond, that would be tremendous.
To his face? Um His vegetables.
Oh, really? Come on! Oh, not That's ambitious, mate.
That's by my knees! Now, I'm going to fire up the blowtorch.
There we go.
Oh, God, come on, no! This is ridiculous! James, how hot is the tip of this flame? Probably the best part of 800 degrees C.
Enough to melt aluminium.
Enough to melt aluminium.
This is a real blowtorch.
Look, I can demonstrate it.
Fire on there, you can actually see it burning the table nicely.
Oh! This is a real, well, two layers of pizza, and a real Richard Hammond.
Everybody ready? Yes! Wouldn't do it to him.
Oh, yes, I would! Oh, no! Jeremy, that's quite a long time, isn't it? Not really.
Stop it! I can smell burning sausage.
Is that alarming? Can you see? Pizza.
Pop it on your car.
No! Ladies and gentlemen, Hammond is still here.
Stupid, stupid.
That is I think that is a Top Gear hot tip.
We're going to move on.
Because, you see, in the olden days, when James was 43, car makers would sell you a complete car like they do now.
Or they would sell you something like this - an engine, a chassis, and some suspension.
And then you would take this to a coach building company who would then fit a personalised body, personalised interior, you could have anything you wanted.
And in the '30s, this meant there were some truly amazing creations.
Back then, there were coach building companies all over the world, helping the wealthy to fulfil their wildest dreams.
Anything was possible, and everything was done.
Coach building meant that Clark Gable didn't have to have a car that looked like this.
It meant he could have one that looked like this.
Today, though, cars are built differently.
You don't get a chassis with a body on the top.
Because the body sort of is the chassis.
The pillars, the roof, the doorframes, they're all load-bearing, so changing anything is a nightmare.
And this has meant that for many years, coach building has been a lost art.
Now, though, I'm delighted to say it's back.
Welcome, everyone, to the Alfa Romeo Disco Volante.
One of the most striking, intelligent, and unusual cars I've seen in a very long time.
It started out in life as an Alfa Romeo 8C.
But was totally re-bodied and re-upholstered by an old coach building company in Milan called Touring.
In the '50s, they styled and built sports cars for Alfa Romeo.
Later, they designed the Aston Martin DB5 and DB6.
Along with the Jensen Interceptor, and the very first Lamborghini - the 350GT.
That is quite a CV.
In recent years, however, they've been reduced to making mildly modified Bentleys and Maseratis.
It's been like watching Dame Judi Dench reduced to appearing in a regional pantomime.
But now, they've decided to bring the lost art of proper coach building back, with the Disco Volante.
Certain structural and safety related things can't be changed.
The seatbelt mounting points, the windscreen, the suspension mounting points, they'll be the same on this car as they are on this one.
It's like plastic surgery.
You can't change the skeleton, but you can change the flesh.
And that is what they've done.
But has it worked? The simple answer is, yes.
It doesn't shake, it doesn't rattle.
It doesn't feel like botched plastic surgery.
You don't think every time you go over a bump, "Oh no, my nose is going to fall off.
" Doesn't feel like Michael Jackson.
Do you know what it does feel? It feels solid.
It feels, and this is high praise for a hand-built car, it feels mass-produced.
That said, it does not feel like the car that spawned it.
It doesn't feel like an 8C.
That's because they've softened the suspension, they've turned it from a stiff, B-road barnstormer into a comfortable cruising machine, and I like that.
There are loads of cars built specifically to attack a road like this.
So it's quite refreshing to find one that allows you to savour it.
Savour the views, savour the moment.
So, it doesn't feel like an 8C.
And it certainly doesn't sound like one either.
Oh, it's the most .
soulful-sounding car I think I've ever heard.
It's as though the entire exhaust system is actually made out of Otis Redding.
Left my home in Georgia Heading for the Frisco Bay It's Otis! Don't get me wrong, though.
This is not a slow car.
It has a 444 horsepower Couple that to a super-light carbon fibre and aluminium body, and you end up with a car that accelerates like it's fallen off a cliff.
The top speed is 181.
Thing is, though, driving a car this exquisite, this elegant, quickly, feels wrong.
It would be like pogo dancing to I Heard It Through The Grapevine.
No, no, no, you can't do that! This, this kind of speed, this is where it's at its best.
Half speed.
I don't even feel inclined to drive it fast.
I don't want to hang the tail out on the hairpins.
Just want to put it in auto, put some tunes on the stereo, like so.
Pop on a pair of sunglasses and slow on down.
And pretty soon, you'll want to stop altogether and get out.
Because looking at this car, that's really what it's all about.
It's interesting how many elements from other things are in that shape.
I can see a little bit of Corvette, a bit of E-Type Then there's the, umI think it was called the Discovery, the spaceship in 2001: A Space Odyssey.
I see that at the front.
And I love the way they paint it gold before they paint it red to make the colour richer.
Then there's the name - "Disco Volante" - picked out in the seats.
I know, in Italian, Disco Volante means "flying saucer" but to me, it's the name of Largo's hydrofoil in the Bond film Thunderball.
I love that car.
I really do.
I think it really is time now to bring out my special, "in love" face.
I was jealous of Hammond when he came out to Italy the other day to drive the new Alfa 4C, because, to me, that thing is special.
It'sit's the Angel Gabriel.
But I'm not jealous any more, because this This is the full baby Jesus.
I'm not going to say it's the best car in the world - it certainly isn't the nicest to drive, the brakes are spongy, you can see nothing out of the back.
But as a tool for making feel special, really, nothing gets close.
Nothing at all.
A Maserati heart, an Alfa Romeo badge, exhausts made out of Otis Redding .
and a hand-crafted body to die for.
That is one hell of a combination.
It really is.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, don't Sorry.
What? Hang on.
You were having a go at me earlier on because I preferred the slow Caterham to the fast one.
And here you are, raving about a car that's happiest at half-speed? Well, yes.
You're an utter hypocrite.
No, no - you see, the thing is, I'd prefer to drive to somebody's house in a Lexus LFA, cos I like the power from that screaming V10 engine.
But I'd prefer to arrive in this, because it's elegant, it's beautiful, it's handcrafted How much is it? Uh well, do you know, they won't tell me, even when I lightly tortured them.
But I have heard there's a man in Singapore paid £1.
5 million for his.
Now, there are a lot of import taxes in Singapore - I mean, huge ones.
Even so, that's about 130 That's still £600,000 for the car.
Yes, I know.
And what's amazing is that, in Singapore, you're not allowed to drive a left-hand drive car on the road.
So he's paid £1.
5 million for a car he can't drive.
He's completely mad.
He isn't - somebody's just paid, what, £42 million for a Francis Bacon painting.
You can't drive that, either.
It's not a car.
James, I haven't got time for your pedantry.
Because we have to now put a Star in our Reasonably Priced Car.
Now, my guest tonight is extremely funny, but he can't drive.
So he is the exact opposite of Nigel Mansell.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Whitehall.
How are you? Good, how are you? Look who's here! Hello.
Have a seat.
Oh Ooh Do you know, I haven't seen you since you were in short trousers.
Yes, well, I mean, you know You were a big part of my childhood.
And that's not something that probably everyone in here knows.
Jeremy was a father at the prep school that I went to and I have a lot of very vivid This is a big moment for me, being here, with you, cos With long trousers.
With long trousers on - tight, long trousers.
But you were, like, the first kind of real, kind of, silverback, swinging-dicked alpha male I'd ever set eyes on.
Every other father at the school that I went to was, like, a blubbering-faced posh toff with a Barbour jacket.
Then you came striding across the sports field, a vision in denim, like It was amazing - we were all like, "Oh, God, look at him! "He probably eats his steak rare "and doesn't bother getting out of the bath to take a BLEEP.
" And here you are.
It was always those book signings - that's You had to go, all the parents had to go, if they'd written a book - and almost everyone at this school had Yeah.
You'd be in this room and there'd be Jeremy Paxman with a big stack of books he was trying to sell.
It was you and Paxman I remember it like it was yesterday.
There was one room, it was a science lab, you were at one end, Paxman was at the other.
And it was basically a who's got the biggest dick competition.
He'd have some really acerbic, intelligent book he'd written about the Reformation, then you'd have, you know "Full Throttle", or whatever it was.
It was.
It was.
He'd got a queue of people going, you know, "Your observations on the Plantagenets are most interesting.
" And I got, "Do you think the Subaru is better than the Evo?" Now we get many guests down here who say, "Ooh, no, I can't drive.
" And they mean, "I've never done any track driving "and I'm not very confident and I'm not very good.
" When we say you can't drive, we mean you CAN'T drive.
No, I can't drive at all.
I I mean, I've been in a car once, behind the wheel.
I've done passenger stuff loads of times, I'm amazing.
But the driving aspect, I've done, like, half a lesson? My dad gave me half a lesson and it became clear that it wasn't really a lesson - he wanted a lift to the butchers.
So we drove down the road to the left, he picked up a leg of lamb and we went home.
So that's the only lesson I ever had.
But I've never been behind the wheel of a car on my own ever before.
So I thought it would be good to come and do it Here? Which, of course, meant that we actually had to teach you to drive a car.
When I say, "we"The Stig.
Yeah, I mean, he wasn't he's not a great instructor.
He's not talkative, let's put it that way.
Um well, we've actually got some footage of Jack's first ever driving lesson in an actual Was it a manual? I mean, did it have, like, a lever coming out there? It had a pull-y thing and then three pedals.
Three pedals and a pull-y thing.
This is known as a manual car.
A manual car, yes.
Anybody like to see Jack's first ever driving lesson? Yes! Never, ever done this before.
Here we go, let's have a look.
It should make a "vroom" noise, shouldn't it? Do I am I turning it the right way? No? Right, OK, fine.
'Was he completely uncommunicative?' He didn't even nod.
Yes! Stig, I might need a little bit more from you than this.
OK, right, so that's not working.
By process of elimination, if we come off the clutch and press this Revving.
Yeah, that's revving.
Getting ready.
And your handbrake's on.
That sounds good.
No, it doesn't.
OK, this is getting better.
Oh, Jesus I mean, well done.
But we had to go from that to getting you round a lap in the space of an hour.
I think my priorities were He didn't think that I was taking it seriously, cos when I first got in the car - a perfectly valid thing, it's the thing I always ask when I get in a car, is whether he had an iPhone charger.
Because mine had died and I wanted to get some photos of the journey and he wasn't happy about that.
He's so moody! I asked him if there was a Mrs Stig and that didn't go down well.
No, it wouldn't.
That's what he needs - maybe he's not getting enough of it at home.
I thought of the perfect person for The Stig as well - this is a match made in Heaven - him and the woman who does the demonstrations on The Cube.
With the mask.
They would be perfect together! What would the babies be like? The babies would be amazing! You could do it as a challenge - send them to the Isle of Fernandos! Talking of The Stig not getting enough, how, if you're a 17-year-old youth, do you get any at all from girls if you can't drive them anywhere? Yeah, it was hard.
Especially when I became a stand-up and it was like, stand-up, you're going around on tours, quite rock'n'roll, there would be groupies and stuff, but it's very hard to pull a groupie when your mother has driven you to the gig.
Afterwards, you'd be like, "Yeah, you want to go back to my crib? "My ride's outside, it's the Volvo just there.
"You'll have to sit in the back, cos I ride up front with Mummy.
"Hope you like The Archers!" So when you're doing your gigs now, presumably your mum doesn't take you around.
No - the best thing about this latest tour, it's the biggest one I've done, and I'm going to be in a tour bus, which is amazing.
Cos the worst thing, I find, about doing a tour when you're in a car is having to use petrol station toilets, cos the lock on a petrol station toilet door is always broken.
They're always bust, then you have to do that thing which we all do, which I call "lavatory yoga" where you work out how to keep the door with a broken lock shut.
There's three main schools of it - you've got the Tom Daley, where you lean forward with the arms like that.
Use the fingertips.
But I can't unless I'm playing Candy Crush, so that doesn't work.
Then you've got the Bowing Monk, where you put your head forward and just use it as a doorstop.
But someone can, like, knock you out if they're too insistent on getting in.
Then your third option, which is the best one, which you should always use, is the Woman In Labour, where you plant two feet onto the door.
But I committed to this recently in a petrol station just outside of Bolton, and I'd fully committed, but you have to be a master of your surroundings, I didn't realise the door in question opened both ways! This, like, hairy trucker ripped it off and literally thought I was kind of presenting myself to him! "Hello!" Now, I want to just go on to Are you playing the O2? I'm playing the O2 on the Oh, I've forgotten the date! Come on.
The 17th or 18th March.
Like, roughly.
he's got a ticket.
The 17th! Oh, no, he works here.
And there we are, so It's not just going to be a tour, there's plenty of surprises as well.
There will be the greatest ever Segway entrance to a stand-up tour the world has ever seen.
Somebody's putting you on a Segway? I'm on a Segway, yeah.
Well, that's worth going to see.
It's got everything you'd want from a stand-up comedy tour.
Anyway, the lap.
I ought to explain, you did actually ditch the manual, didn't you, for the lap and go to an automatic? Yeah, I thought that was best cos I wanted to get all the way around it.
The only trouble with an automatic is you're not going to You'll probably not get very high up that anyway, so Let's not worry too much about that.
Who here would like to see the result of your driving lesson? Yeah! Here we go.
Oh, dear.
Flying solo for the first time.
Come on, Jack.
You are a king of speed! We shall see, you look a bit frightened.
I was very frightened.
You've steered round that one.
It sounds awful.
Oh, good God! And off.
That counts though, doesn't it? Yes, yes, yes, you're still To be honest, a lot of what The Stig says is BLEEP! It's really just about Oh! I guess we'll never know, as we do Chicago, heading down to the Hammerhead.
Where are you going? That's completely the wrong Oh, I feel so sick.
You made yourself sick! I made myself sick.
And here we go, round the Hammerhead Whoops! That was quite good.
Not really Ooh! The big circular thing is necessary there in front of you.
Is it low on petrol? Cos it kept beeping.
Right, so, it was beeping at you? Don't go off there! Tyres.
This one was good.
Oh, braking there! That's ballsy because that can upset the rear end in a front-wheel-drive car and I may be talking French as far as you're concerned there.
Only Gambon to go and can you do it? Oh, wait a minute, yes, nearly, you can! Across the line! I got there.
When you bear in mind that you arrived this morning having driven a car once to the butchers and back Yeah.
And then you had a lesson and then put that together, I think that's pretty impressive, I really do.
Oh, thank you.
But how fast do you think you did it? Where do you think you came on the board? Oh, I don't know.
In between Hiddleston and Bonneville? You're hoping to get between Tom and Hugh? Around about the 1.
50 mark? Yeah.
You did it, Jack Whitehall You're leaning forward like a pro One minute One minute, that's good.
50 There's no kind way of saying this.
Aw! It's all right, you know Getting in the car for me was a victory in itself.
Do you want to move it further down? I feel like I'm sullying that person by being there.
But that, I mean Maybe I could come back after I've actually learnt to drive and I would get a competitive time.
I'd like that because this was woeful.
Yeah, I know! At least I'm on the board and not at home crying in my pants, which is where I should be when it comes to driving.
No, I'd like to have you back because it's been bloody good fun having you here.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Whitehall! Now If you want a car that's fast, you're spoiled for choice.
Same story if you want a car that's economical or cheap, or has a big boot, but what if you're a massive showoff and your main requirement is for a car that makes you stand out in your hometown? Well, that can be a lot trickier depending upon the town where you live, as I shall now demonstrate.
Welcome to the United Arab Emirates, where, as you can see, it takes quite a lot to stand out on the car front.
Out here, your common or garden Ferrari or Lamborghini can no longer cut the mustard.
So what do you do if you want to turn heads? Well, I think I may have the answer.
You see, everyone thinks about blinging their wheels, but nobody ever thinks of adding MORE wheels.
This is the new six-wheeled version of Mercedes's iconic G-Wagen.
And beside the extra wheels, it also ticks the rarity box because it's one of only two in existence.
More will be built, though I suspect not many when you consider the price, which is a trouser-troubling £370,000.
The six-wheel G-Class was originally built for the Australian Army, who demanded standard equipment like seats and doors.
In this civilian version, however, you get heated and ventilated electric leather chairs, a leather-trimmed dashboard and a bamboo-lined cargo bay.
You really do get a lot of car for your money, as in A LOT OF CAR.
I mean, look at it.
It's nearly a metre longer than a Range Rover and it's got 37-inch wheels.
I reckon I could get my head in the gap between the wheel and the wheel arch.
Yeah, I can.
Try doing that in a Range Rover.
The six-by-six also weighs three-and-three-quarter tonnes or the same as three VW Golfs.
So, engine-wise, it can't afford to mess about.
It's actually got a 5.
5 litre, from Mercedes's in-house nutterists, AMG.
Oh, we're getting a move on! That's sports car stuff in something the size of a shopping centre.
Fuel economy? Well, I doubt this will be the official transport to the next Greenpeace annual conference.
All I'll say is they thought it best to fit two fuel tanks.
You change over using this switch up here.
And everybody loves an overhead switch.
If I drove this down Ross-on-Wye high street, I would be lord of all I survey.
The undisputed king of Herefordshire.
Never mind Herefordshire, this thing attracts attention even around here.
Seriously? Really? 'Yeah, he's serious.
'As it turned out, 'the policeman had never seen such an unusual car before' There's six wheels.
I guess it's the same on the other side.
and was on his way again after he'd had a look.
' Bye! Lamborghini Aventador police car.
They don't have those in Ross-on-Wye.
Or these Ferrari FF.
That's an S MG.
What a funny day.
Now, although the six-by-six is seriously quick on tarmac and turns policemen's heads, where it's really built to shine is as an off-roader.
Let me give you an example.
A Land Rover Defender can wade through half a metre of water and that's very good.
This can wade through twice that.
However, this being the desert, water is quite hard to find, so if you want to test it, you do have to improvise.
Morning, sorry.
This is, unless I'm very much mistaken, a metre of water.
And my six-by-six is wading through it.
Even dealing with the rubber rings.
Yeah, not having any difficulties with this at all.
But how does it cope with sand? Well, the good news is, sand is one thing we're really not short of.
Welcome to the Empty Quarter.
The largest sand desert in the world.
Covering some 250,000 square miles.
Out here, temperatures hit and there are dunes more than 800ft high.
OK, we have six-wheel drive with the power split 30-40-30 across the axles check.
Stronger front springs from the armoured version of the G-Class check.
Locking diffs - oh, we've got those.
The most you'd expect normally would be three.
On here, five! And you lock them using these buttons in different ways.
Right, let's go.
These are big, big dunes.
This is more of a sand mountain I'm on right now.
Oh! Three-and-three-quarter tonnes of Mercedes is doing this, it just doesn't feel right! This extra axle and these two extra wheels, it changes the way the six-by-six travels over the ground, it undulates, it feels supple.
It's like blasting through the desert dunes .
riding a sinew.
Come on! O-o-o-oh! No! BLEEP! I got some air.
Sorry, everybody.
'Intoxicated by what the Merc could do, 'I drove deeper and deeper into the Empty Quarter.
' Right, where's it go now? Cos Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, for crying out loud! I wouldn't ski down that! OK.
Whoa-oh-oh-aah! Over the top, over the top Oh! Oh, very unpleasant, not nice! It's vertical! I'm in a car, I'm having a plane crash! I'm still going down! Oh, what a stupid place, I hate it! Ahead, I saw a nice, flat desert floor 'and decided that was a much safer place to be.
' It's drifting! Now it's a rally car, a gigantic rally car.
And let's not forget, I'm not having to shout over this, it's not "Raaargh!" in here.
I'm still cocooned in luxury.
It's an amazing device.
Now, when you take an off-roader across sand, the standard practice, as I've done, is to let some air out of the tyres to give them a bigger footprint.
Now I'm going back on tarmac, so I need to reinflate them.
All I've got to do is operate these overhead switches.
I feel like a jet pilot.
Compressor on.
Going up.
And they can reinflate ALL of these tyres in under a minute.
Oh, I love this.
If I did this in Ledbury I'd be mobbed by now.
Leaving the Empty Quarter behind, I headed back towards civilisation.
I'm not going to pretend this is anything less than a preposterous machine.
It's a six-metre, three-and-three-quarter tonne, £370,000, six-wheeled dinosaur, but as dinosaurs go, it is a magnificent one.
Magnificent to behold, magnificently made, it's one of the car world's mad moments.
A day off from Priuses and Leafs.
And even in a country as chock-full of showy-offy cars as this one, it's still really rather special.
You can forget your chrome wraps and whatever, I don't think you can beat just having more wheels than anything else, and I can say with absolute confidence that I have more wheels than any other Oh.
No matter, one thing I can say for sure is that this is the most extreme Mercedes out here.
I doubt there's anything with a Mercedes badge in these parts that can draw as much attention as that.
All right, so I don't have the most wheels, it's not the most extreme Mercedes out here, but the six-by-six does have size on its side.
Bigger than any Range Rover, bigger than any Land Cruiser, bigger than that old Jeep up there and that's the thing - a car can be beautiful but when it's big, it's got presence and they don't come much bigger than Oh my God I want this one.
Embarrassingly, whilst there, I ran the Merc out of petrol in the place where they actually grow the stuff.
Really? It was awful, I felt an idiot.
Never mind that, can we just look at that picture of you at the end? You do look like something out of The Borrowers, to be brutally honest.
But I have to say that Jeep is incredible.
Sadly, it was broken the day I was there, but it does actually move.
And I'd like to see that one day, but now it is time for me to demonstrate that cars are better than motorbikes.
Oh, no.
Hang on.
Jeremy, we've only got a few minutes.
Yes, yes, listen.
Come over here, because what we have here is a table laid for two, OK? And I'm going to remove this tablecloth without knocking anything over.
Where are you going with this? Everybody, stand back behind me, because you need to be quick to do this.
Well Well, yeah.
Oh, well done.
That's really cleared that up for us(!) Bikes are faster than a table! Or something.
What's that got to do with anything? It went rather well, better than I'd expected, if I'm honest! Anyway, the thing is, BMW once did that trick with a much larger table, as I shall now demonstrate with this bit of film.
Well, that is tremendous, it's amazing.
Well done, the motorbike.
But what I'm going to do now is that exact same thing only with a car.
You are aware, aren't you, that a Superbike accelerates very fast? Yes, Hammond, from say 10-150, but to do that you need the instant acceleration, it's 0-10 that matters.
That is a very good point because it's very difficult to get a bike off the line.
Right, I'll admit, it usually spins the wheel or it flips over backwards.
You see, cars don't flip over backwards, it's one of the many reasons why they're better.
And the car I've selected is this one.
A Datsun? A Nissan GT-R.
No, I approve of your choice of car, actually, I have to say.
Yeah, cos May and I were playing with one of these the other day and the way it sets off is simply unbelievable.
I mean, it really is, there's no car I've ever driven that goes from 0-10 faster.
It's got four-wheel drive and an amazing launch control system.
So you put your foot hard down on the accelerator, hard on the brake, take your foot off the brake, computer does everything and you set off.
OK, and this is the table, yeah? Yes, it is.
So let's get this straight.
You are going to pull this tablecloth off this, what, 18ft table? Yes.
Using this Datsun? Listen Without breaking anything? Without knocking a single thing over.
Really? Yes.
The words "stand" and "back" spring to mind.
Ye of little faith.
OK, I'm using the same length of rope that BMW did.
Same amount of slack that they did, we're pulling from the same place that they did.
Everything is What? Have you actually measured this out? A bit.
You've got to go 18ft to get the tablecloth off the table, plus the length of that bit off the end Yes.
plus you got to account for the amount of rope and you've got to stop before you hit the other side of the studio.
No, I haven't.
You have.
I haven't, because I'm not going to drive it.
He is.
Ladies and gentlemen, The Stig has come among us.
Very rarely in the studio.
Hold on a minute.
Very rarely Hold on a minute.
Yes, what? So you are saying he is going to drive across our darkened studio, peering through his darkened visor? Yes.
Is this how this Stig dies? Has he done a book? No, he hasn't.
Right, is he ready? Are you ready? Everybody here ready? Yes! Oh, God! We have no idea how it's going to work out, but I have hope in my heart.
In three, two, one, go! Well? That was mostly incredibly successful.
How, in what way? He didn't hit the wall, as we can see.
But everything else has hit the floor, it's smashed to bits! Yes, but look! There's a whole cup and saucer, not damaged.
It didn't work.
It didn't It is most odd actually.
Can we see a replay of that, maybe work out what went wrong.
Oh, there's the problem.
What? He's doing it too slowly.
No, that's in slow motion, you idiot.
Well, if he hadn't have done it in slow motion, it would have worked! For crying out loud! But now look! It's a disaster.
It's a bombshell.
And that means we can end.
Thank you ever so much for watching, we'll see you next week.
Take care and good night.